UPJOKE
helldarngoddamndamnedcursedcursebloodyinfernalhootgoddamnedgoddamheckheavenblamedblame

Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Because I'm going to need a blindfold to hit that

Damn you Food Network, you had me excited for a moment!

Turns out "Beat Bobby Flay" is a *cooking show*. Had me actually interested to tune in for a moment.

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

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my son came to me and asked, dad whats a clitoris?

I answered:

Damn son you should have asked me that yesterday, it was on the tip of my tongue!

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

Moses and Jesus are sitting in a boat on a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I wonder if I’ve still got it.” He stands up and spreads his arms out wide. On command, the waters of the lake part, and the boat settles on the ground. He brings his arms back in, and the water comes rushing back, lifting the boat back to the surface.
<...

Damn boy, are you a bra?

Because you make me uncomfortable but society has brainwashed me into thinking I need you.

Damn Social media

Facebook wants to know "What's on my mind?"
Twitter wants to know "What's happening?"
Google wants to know "Where I am?"
Siri/Alexa wants me to "Say something"!
Damn, the internet is turning into an online wife!

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

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An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn foo...

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

Trump was asked his opinion on Roe VS Wade this morning.

His response?

“I don’t care how they get home, just get them outta the damn country!”

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?

“None of your damn business!”

My friends told me a joke so funny that it stopped water from flowing

It was damn funny

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

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A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

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Damn autocorrect!

My Wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does this make my butt look big?"

I texted back "Noo!"

My phone autocorrected my response to "Moo!"

Please send help!

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A farmer's son is on his way back from the market one day.

As he passes by farmer Jon's house, he sees the barn burning to the ground. Excited to share the news with his father and impress him, he rushes home to tell him. "Pa, pa! You'll never guess what I saw today passing farmer Jon's house!" The father replies " His barn burned down. Heard it on my radio...

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Prostitute Joke.

Man : How much for a blowjob?

Prostitute : Ummm $20

Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess
I am your favourite.

Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that

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This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

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A married guy is complaining to his friend:

“I’ve been having sex with my wife lately, but she’s been making me pay for it like a hooker!”

“How much is she charging you?”

“$50 each time!”

“Damn, that’s a great deal! She’s been charging me $200!!”

Damn I must be an annoying person to be around

I spilled my vegan protein shake while doing crossfit which short circuited my Arch Linux computer. There is no god.

Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like, well damn.

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on

I wouldn’t know why I had so many damn nickels around me

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know h...

Damn

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wif...

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One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: *slaps his face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

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Saw a homeless man take a crap in a see-through elevator

Damn, that shit escalated quickly

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!

Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really ne...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? Wh...

There was a guy in a hospital, and finally woke up.

The guy said, “damn i cant feel my legs.” The doctor said to him, “well thats because we amputated your arms.”

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Three guys go to a luxury resort for a business siminar

This resort happens to have a very high end golf course so they each bring their clubs in the hopes of getting in a round if they get some free time. As luck would have it midweek the day's activities end at lunchtime. So they grab their clubs and head to the clubhouse to see about getting a tee t...

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

Damn girl, do you have Covid?

Because if you’re talking to me, then you have no taste.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

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Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!

Will Smith tied to recent murders to stand trial after damning evidence.

He left fresh prints everywhere

Damn girl, are you a Windows update?

'Cause after I'll do you, you'll be full of bugs

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A cowboy riding his trusty horse, stopped at an old tavern.

He got in and yelled "Bartender! Gimme a drink, will ya? One that's really strong!"

"Right away, sir." The bartender complied, and poured him a glass of a strong and fine scotch. However, after drinking it quickly the cowboy got angry, and made a scene.

"What the hell was that? If I as...

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Everything is big in Texas

A guy walks into bar in Texas and orders a burger. The damn thing is almost 3 lbs with all the fixings.

He asks the bartender " this is the burger you offer?!?!"

Bartender says "yeah man everything is big in Texas"

He is in awe and can't help but wonder what a beer looks like i...

What do hoes and Walmarts have in common?

You may laugh at them sometimes, but when you’re inside one at 4am you’re thinking “Damn I’m glad these are here”

Damn

Two cows were standing in a field when one goes, "Mooo." The other replies, "Damn, I was just about say that."

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

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A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

Passing

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear? "She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night. "The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last re...

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Best pick up line to impress the ladies

“Damn, are you a car alarm? Because you’re really fucking loud and annoying”

I damn near had a threesome last night...

Just needed 2 more people.

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Dirty Johnny: Greatest Joke of all time by Norm MacDonald

In school there was a fella named Dirty Johnny. He was always a trouble maker the teachers never liked him. One day in class the teacher is doing a thing we’re the kids raise their hands to tell a story and then say what the moral is of that story. So a girl raises her hand

The teacher says ...

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Professor of Logic: Norm Macdonald

Just the other week I had someone move next to me. Original neighbor died of cancer about a three month ago. So as the great neighbor I am I go to greet my new neighbor I say “Hey there uhh neighbor just dropping by to say hello, say what do you do for a living?”

He says “Nice to meet you. Im...

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Damn Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class on a Thursday and the teacher made an announcement. She said that she was going to start asking one question every Thursday and if anyone got the correct answer school on Friday would be dismissed. So the first question was...How much does the earth weigh? Little v...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Damn girl, are you a toaster?

Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.

What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?

Damn, foiled again!

There was a man and woman driving down an interstate…

They speed past a sheriff stationed on the side of the road, and the sheriff checks the radar gun. Sure enough, they were speeding, so he takes off and catches up with the elderly couple. He flashes the lights, and they eventually pull over on the side of the road.

The sheriff walks up to th...

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Damn girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

Two Ghosts Walk Into A Bar

Ghost 1: Hey bro, you new here?


Ghost 2: Yeah.


Ghost 1: So, how did you die?


Ghost 2: I got locked in a fridge. At first I was still fine, but then I slowly suffocated and froze to death.


Ghost 1: Damn that's terrible. Sorry to hear that.


Ghost ...

Lottery

Guy is sitting alone in his house watching tv and envious of the latest person who just won the lottery.

" God, I wish I could win the lottery"

Another few weeks goes by and again someone else wins the lottery.

"God, I wish I could win the lottery"

Another month goes by a...

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

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A walk in the woods…

A couple were on a blind date and they decided to take a walk in the woods. After some casual banter they started to feel more and more comfortable with each other and they started to feel a little frisky. They decided to sneak off the path into a dark grove of trees. After finding a good spot, the...

Hold it firmly...

Hold it firmly in your hand.

Put it in your mouth.

Lick it to straighten it.

If it doesn't work, suck it.

Now you can put it in the hole.

Damn threading a needle is no joke.

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Damn Ham

A preacher was invited to a dinner by a nice family. When the preacher arrived the mother realized they did not have a ham for the dinner. She then asked the preacher if he could go to the store to grab a ham. Preacher agrees and heads to the grocery store. The preacher asked a stocker if they had a...

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Man goes to a doctor: “Doc, I want to live forever what should I do?”

The doctor thinks for a moment then asks the man do you drink?
I have a beer or two after work says the man.
OK from now on, no more drinking, ever, not even on your birthday.
Oh that sounds hard, says the man, but OK.
Do you smoke? The doctor asks.
Very little, I hav...

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Heard it?

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

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Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery.

Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery. A week goes by but he doesn't win. The next week, he prays again even harder asking God to help him win the lottery. No dice again though. For a third time, he pulls out all the stops and prays SO DAMN HAAAARRDD to win the lottery, but again is rebuff...

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Damn girl are you a parked car?

Because I would have to be drunk as fuck to hit that

Why the hell didn't Kylo Ren become a damn pilot ?

Because he's a damn driver !

Those damned Flat Earthers…

When will they finally realize that FLATTERY will get them nowhere?

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

These damn millennials...

Walking around like they rent the place

A patient with a serious illness was visiting his old doctor

Before showing the exam results, the doctor needs more informations about his patient, and asks:


-So, what's your job?


-I'm a seer.


-Hmm nice.


Then the doctor puts it on the paper, very slowly.


-Can you do it faster, please? I don't have all day...

My neighbor bulled up in their new Audi…

I said damn, I’ve still got an Innie.

Damn girl, are you my appendix?

Because I don't understand what you do or how you function, but this feeling in my stomach makes me wanna take you out.

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A koala is sitting in a tree.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt. A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says "hey man, can I hit that?"

Koala says "hell yeah man come on up and get you some"

Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together. The weed is incredible and before long ...

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

A man walks into a bar when a nun sees him

"you are just a sad man, the Lord probably doesn't love you because you are a drunk" said the nun

"One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all" replied the man

"getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always lead...

Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?

'Cos you're breathtaking..

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Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube?

Because fuck you, you stupid piece of shit.

Honey, I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. I need you to pay me a compliment.

Ok. Your eyesight is damn near perfect!

- Norm MacDonald

A friend was complaining about Italians. “Damn those Italians and their slanted eyes!”, he said.

I replied, “I think you mean *italics*.

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.


“What?...

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pas...

If your man says he will do the job, he will damn do it

There is no point in reminding him every 6 months

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