UPJOKE
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My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young woman was invited to a party

While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself....

I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses really good ingredients, what did you think asshole?

As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging

Joke I read on Facebook a few years ago.

A man came into a shop with a
'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I- I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,"

said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s...

What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.



j/k…rolling.

‌‌Can w‌‌e b‌‌an "‌‌Yo M‌‌omma" j‌‌okes f‌‌rom t‌‌his s‌‌ub? T‌‌hey're o‌‌ld, s‌‌tupid, a‌‌nd h‌‌ave b‌‌een d‌‌one b‌‌y l‌‌iterally e‌‌veryone h‌‌undreds o‌‌f t‌‌imes.

Just l‌‌ike y‌‌o m‌‌omma.

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

What do you call it when J.K. Rowling goes to the beach?

A Surf and Terf.

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

Donald J. Trump has been impeached

Finally, something he's earned

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

3 Irishmen walk out of a bar

Nah, j/k

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishma...

What does Bugs Bunny put on his intergalactic PB&J sandwich?

Space jam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another soviet joke.

A lawyer (L) walks in the court and meets a judge(his friend) (J) exiting a courtroom and laughing his ass off.
L - Hey, why you laugh so hard?
J - Oh, i'v just heard a very good joke.
L - care to share it?
J - No, can't. Just sentenced a guy for life for telling that joke.

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

My chemistry teacher offered me a Pb and J sandwhich.

Hospital bill is pretty high.

J_fr_y _pst_in

Anyone wanna play hangman

‌‌I w‌‌a‌‌s i‌‌‌‌n V‌‌enic‌‌e B‌‌eac‌‌h i‌‌‌‌n J‌‌anuar‌‌y a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌her‌‌e w‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌omeles‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n w‌‌it‌‌h a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌ig‌‌n t‌‌ha‌‌t s‌‌ai‌‌d "‌‌‌‌1 d‌‌olla‌‌r f‌‌o‌‌r d‌‌irt‌‌y j‌‌oke."

Seeme‌‌d l‌‌ik‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ g‌‌oo‌‌d i‌‌nvestmen‌‌t t‌‌‌‌o m‌‌‌‌e s‌‌‌‌o I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ladl‌‌y h‌‌ande‌‌d o‌‌ve‌‌r a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ollar.

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Alrigh‌‌t s‌‌i‌‌r w‌‌hat‌‌s y‌‌ou‌‌r n‌‌ame?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Bobby"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌S‌‌o Bobby, t‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌lac‌‌k r‌‌ooste‌‌...

During Jimmy’s turn with Santa they have a tense interaction at the end of which Santa shouts “NO!!!!” at Jimmy and storms off leaving the kids angry and crying.

When parents ask him what went down between them Jimmy says it was going well till Santa asked him who his favorite president was and he told him it was Obama. So Santa asked him for his next favorite president on and on and Jimmy diligently answered one by one - Abraham Lincoln, JFK, The Roosevelts...

Michael J Fox takes a job as a bartender

On his first shift James Bond walks in.

"What'll it be?" Says Michael

Bond takes one look at him and replies.

"I'll have a Martini"

A person was pulled over in California

The police officer asked “Where are you going to?”
The person replied “To San Jose” (pronouncing it with the “j” sound)
The police officer said “In this part of the country we pronounce j like h. How long have you been around here”
The person said “Since about Hanuary. I plan to leave aroun...

I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning

The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

According to J.D. Power, Ford is one of the most reliable brands.

75% of Fords are still on the road. The other 25% made it home.

Why does Michael J. Fox make really good coffee?

Because he's rich and can afford high quality beans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Chinese music is called C-pop, Korean music is called K-pop, and Japanese music is called J-pop, what do you call Drake's music?

Crap.

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

Why does Michael J Fox like COVID-19?

No more hand shaking!

If someone made a sculpture in Minecraft of J-Lo.

Would you name it Jenny from the Block?

who is James bonds favorite bar tender?

Michael J. Fox

J-Lo's new nickname

Jennifer Lopez is called J-Lo. She dropped the last 3 letters of her last name. She got rid of them. Dispensed with them.

Doesn't that make her a pez dispenser?

Why was O.J. allowed out of jail for thanksgiving?

He was the only one in his family who knows how to carve up white meat.

A reporter asked trump what the letter J in Donald.J.Trump stands for ?

He replied " Jenius"

I accidentally ate a Pb&J for lunch today.

I ended up with lead poisoning.

Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump

A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read.

If BJ is Bad Joke then what is B+iJ?

Complex Bad Joke.

And if you didn't find it funny, that's because the Joke part was imaginary.

You have to be from Hong Kong to get this joke.

My dad's coworker, Joachim, was applying for a visa to travel to America at the U.S. Consulate in Hong Kong. The immigration officer interviewing him ask where in the U.S. he was planning to stay.

"San Jose" , he answered.

The immigration officer corrects him that in the U.S. they pr...

A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom

Teacher: “sing the ABC’s, then I’ll let you go”

Kindergartner: “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

Teacher: “Where’s the P?”

Kindergartner: “It’s running down my pants!”

It's About Time

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on.

In the driver's seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as...

J: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an ithberg.

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

So I read J. K Rowlings announcments.

I finally understand how dumbledore got The title of headmaster.

The ABCs of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously.

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous a...

What's the difference between Tang and O.J?

Tang won't kill you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

J. K. Rowling has revealed one of the teachers at Hogwarts was a hermaphrodite.

Professor Clitdick

Ford is working on a special edition O.J. Simpson Bronco

But instead of white it will be Nicole Brown with blood red interior

Do you know what J.F Kennedy says to a girl at the bar ?

Damn girl, are you a bullet ? 'Cause I can get you out of m'y head

I created a website for unfinished t's, i's, and j's.

crossand.me

There’s a fine line between H and J...

It’s called “I”

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

Why doesn’t Bob Marley eat PB&J sandwiches?

Because he’s more of a jam man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her

I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women

Who's Michael J. Fox's favorite author?

Shake-spear

Michael J Fox stole my old iPhone & hacked his way into it.

I think he’s looking for The Secret of my 6S

Alan Dershowitz has defended O.J. Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, and Donald Trump

The stabber, the nabber, and the grabber

Michael J. Fox has contracted coronavirus

Contact tracing shows he got it from shaking hands

T‌‌he Trump f‌‌amily i‌‌s f‌‌lying f‌‌rom N‌‌ew Y‌‌ork t‌‌o D‌‌C.

Donald l‌‌ooks d‌‌own o‌‌n t‌‌he c‌‌ities b‌‌elow a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌I t‌‌hink I‌‌'ll t‌‌hrow a‌‌ $‌‌1000 b‌‌ill o‌‌ut o‌‌f t‌‌he w‌‌indow a‌‌nd m‌‌ake s‌‌ome A‌‌merican h‌‌appy"

Melanie s‌‌ays, "‌‌Oh h‌‌oney w‌‌hy n‌‌ot t‌‌hrow t‌‌en $‌‌100 b‌‌ills a‌‌nd m‌‌ake 1‌‌0 A‌‌mericans h‌‌appy?"
...

Man o.j simpson was a great football player

He killed it on and off the field

What's J. K. Rowling's favourite side of a triangle?

The Harrypotenuse

So j made a joke up

A master chef dies goes to heaven. Immediatly he finds himself in the kitchen doing what he loves. He begins cooking all the foood just like he did when he was alive. Finally he gets a strange order, a steak well done sprinkled with holy water. So he asks whats up with this order.

For Christs...

A chemist walks into a bar and orders a Pb&J sandwich.

He dies of lead poisoning.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

A quote of the President: Donald J. Trump

“I have broken more Elton John records. He seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don’t have a musical instrument. I don’t have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No, we’ve broken a lot of records. We’ve broken virtually every record. ...

What do Michael J. Fox and the new guy at the warehouse have in common?

Both have trouble with the fork lift

Michael J Fox grabs a soda...

His friend says: “You never drink those.”

Michael replies: “I just figured I’d shake things up”

Why did O.J. Simpson want to flee to Alabama?

Everybody there shares the same DNA.

(Mandatory ba dum tss).

A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-phosphorus-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y and Z.

"Umm.. Why did you say phosphorus?"

Because it is the ....EL-EM-ENT-AL P.

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

What did the hot tub say to his spouse when he found out she was cheating?

J'ACUZZI!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between Donald J. Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talke...

I ap-p-p-p-lied for a j-job as a r-r-r-radio an-n-nouncer.

Sh-sh-shame on them, rej-jecting me because I'm b-b-b-black.

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit, a fox and a bear were about to be drafted into the forest miltary

A rabbit, a fox and a bear were about to be drafted into the forest miltary.

First, the recruiters came to Mr Rabbit's home.

- Knock-knock
- Who is it?
- We're the recruiters, we want to draft you to the army.

Mr Rabbit thinked fast and he cut of his thumb. Then he opened ...

"You're not gonna get a quote out of me." - Donald J. Trump

"Wrong." - Donald J. Trump

What is rapper Eminem's favorite vaccine?

J and J, cause you only get one shot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

Things Michael J. Fox would be good at

Grating Parmesan cheese.

What did the D.J. say to the Vegetable Farmer?

Lettuce turnip the beet.

What is O.J. Simpson's internet address?

Slash slash backslash slash slash escape

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

What is O.J. Simpson's favorite drink?

Margarita, but he swears he never wanted tequila.

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