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The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

The old priest say...

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My friend is a stripper, I'm a warehouse associate. She asked how her job is any different than mine if we both use our bodies.

I said "well it's simple really; I grind metal and you grind wood."

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I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

I went furniture shopping and really hit it off with the female sales associate.

It didn't work out though. She was looking for a serious relationship and I was just searching for one night stand.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

What word starts with N, ends with R and is associated with a race?

NASCAR

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

People tend to associate slash and axl rose

But last time I got my tires slashed, my axels sank

The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates...

The bartender asks “What can I get for you?”

The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.”

The bartender replies “So three drinks?”

“What the hell is three?”

Fishing

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and ...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

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You can't spell associate...

Without Ass I Ate

Here's so OC.

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

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[NSFW] A teacher is showing her class how to associate colors with flavors.

She gives Sally a green Lifesaver. Sally pops into her mouth and says, "it's lime!"

The teacher says, "very good." And hands Timmy a red Lifesaver.

Timmy tastes it and says, "it's strawberry!"

The teacher says,"correct." Next she gives Billy a brown, honey flavored Lifesaver. <...

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A man was driving home from work when he remembered it was the 20th anniversary of his marriage

He still needed to get a gift for his wife, so he stopped at the department store on his way home. He quickly went to the lingerie department to pick up a gift and a sales associate was very happy to help. The sales associate asked what his budget was, to which he responded about $50. She showed him...

Knock knock, whos there? Alzheimer's associated, Alzheimer's associated who?

Oh god, we're too late

I always associate my late uncle with the pop rocks

Both exploded in my mouth...

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

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What religion is a associated with butt sex?

The Peg-ans!

What kind of eyes do Wal-Mart associates have?

The ones that roll-back.

A sales associate asked me which mattress I would buy

I said I'd sleep on it

A Mafia Leader Is Robbed By One of His Foreign Non-English Speaking Associate

The leader figures out who stole the money and hires a translator in order to properly communicate.

Leader: So you're the one who had the guts to steal my money?

Translator (proceeds): He said he didn't do it.

Leader: Tell him to cut the bulls*** and tell me how much he stole....

The Washington Redskins are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

Murphy’s Nails

Two brothers start up a company that manufactures nails, one is in charge of sales and the other marketing. They needed a commercial, so the one in charge of marketing got to work.

A few weeks later he excitedly shows the footage to his brother. It starts with a wide shot of a mob of people ...

Captan Kirk & Today’s Shuttle Launch

If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.

I got fired from my position of sales associate at Dyson vacuums yesterday...

Apparently saying "Would you like to try our vacuums? They suck!" wasn't the best thing to say to the customers.

What is most commonly associated with a circus?

Me.

Because I am a clown.

Did you hear about the bank robbers who managed to evade the police but lost one of their associates from the northern UK?

They got away scot-free

I try not to associate myself with bowlers

They're all a bunch of pinheads

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An explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest...

(long but I don't believe I have seen this yet)

A rich explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest. He has heard of all the wondrous wildlife there is to see, so he sets off with a guide and travels deep into forest. The deeper he goes, the more magical and strange the creatures...

Sherlock Holmes and his trusty associate Dr. John Watson are strolling leisurely through London's botanical gardens. (OC)

They are investigating the mysterious disappearance of a botanist who specialized in arboreal citrus.

Watson squints, focusing his gaze on something across the gardens. He gasps in surprise and grabs Sherlock's arm. He points at the thing that has captivated his attention and asks "Sherlock, ...

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Dunno why people like to associate Comcast with the Nazis

It's not like they're the fascist out there.

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What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

Why did Giuliani's business associates get caught at the gate in an airport?

Because they were too Igor to Lev.

Are you bothered by the fact that the term "dad joke" refers to a certain kind of humor associated with dads, whereas the term "mom joke" refers to jokes that are derogatory towards mothers?

Hi, bothered by the fact that the term "dad joke" refers to a certain kind of humor associated with dads, whereas the term "mom joke" refers to jokes that are derogatory towards mothers, I'm dad.

Furniture shopping

Me and a girl I knew went furniture shopping. We were looking for something to accent my bedroom. When we got to that section of the store, we noticed all the pieces were labeled with a number, up to 10. We asked the associate what the numbers represented and he told us that they were labeled so tha...

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Little Johnny wants to move up to fifth grade

A teacher was having a problem with Johnny in third grade. He said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 5, if not Grade 6. My sister is in Grade 4, I'm doing all her homework and I know stuff that she hasn't even learned."

The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. Little Johnny...

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

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An Indian walks into a grocery store...

He's approached by a store associate who asks him "can I have a moment of your time?" The man agrees and the associate explains to him that they are asking customers to try out a new brand of toilet paper and to come up with names to call it based on their experience. So he convinces the man to try ...

Genie grants three wishes...

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralega...

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

Due to the rise of suspicious clown activity, Party City has removed all associated costumes from its' shelves...

... Clinton and Trump are furious.

Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.

I couldnt find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"

She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."

Imagine my embarrassment...

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

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It's funny how certain scents can bring back memories of people we associated with those scents

like how I remember my ex every time I take a shit.

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The sheriff of a small Texan town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 60 miles per hour in a 30-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a San Francisco law associate, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"

There was a five second pause as the magistrate looked at him. Then he ask...

Gotta love the graphic designer for the PA license plate

...cuz the colors I associate the state with are blue, white, and yellow like the gorgeous beaches it has.

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

I tried buying a vacuum the other day

The sales associate told me they all suck

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[NSFW] A American businessman takes a trip to Japan

An American businessman travels to Japan for a very important business meeting that will make or break his career. He realizes that sealing the deal for their business will not happen in the board room and so he agrees to join them afterwards for a night out on the town.

After a night of dri...

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

I decided to go out horse riding one afternoon on a horse I hadn’t rode before....

I wasn’t sure if the horse was ready for a rider just yet, so I slowly approached him, all the while talking gentle to the horse like I have always done when dealing with newer horses. I kept saying “easy boy” and I slowly reached out to pet him. The horse nervously kept its eyes on me, but he final...

A man enters the gates of Heaven...

And sees a wall of large clocks. He goes up to Saint Peter and asks, “Saint Peter, what are these clocks for?”

Saint Peter replies to the man, “These are the Lie Clocks. Every person has one, and every time you told a lie, it ticked once. Here... this is Abe Lincoln’s clock. It ticked four t...

Rhonda in the pub

Rhonda wandered down to her local public house, for one of their themed dining nights.

Tonight was Chiili, paired with either rum , absinthe or gin. As she entered, she encountered the fragrant aroma of spicy beef and beans, although there was also the faint undernotes of an aroma associated...

A duck walks into a clothing store in 2020 ...

....and waits two minutes for an associate to help her. No one does and the duck gets progressively more upset. And quacks up a storm.

Another shopper passes by, sees the uncovered bill and mumbles “Karen is mighty fowl.”

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