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My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out

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Wright Brothers

Orville Wright: Dick cave?

Wilbur Wright: Definitely not.

Orville Wright: Wiener hole?

Wilbur Wright: Dude, no.

Orville Wright: Cock pit?

Wilbur Wright: Sighs. Okay fine.

5 out of 6 scientists agree

Russian roulette is completely safe

Why did the Pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?

Because he had a really big bill.

Credit: Gravity Falls (felt like sharing this god awful pun)

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

Hey,what's a race thing and starts with n and ends in r


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What do you call a vagina that says the n word?

A racist cunt

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

How can you tell when you've found a really good rock n roll band in Minnesota?

They have two accordions

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"

The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".


A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor "S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."

The doctor replies, "Well how is that?"

So the man says, "W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"

The doctor replies, "Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part righ...

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

How much sleep does a teenager need?

Just five more minutes.

There are 10 types of people in the world...

Those who don't understand binary...

And those who do.

Edit: And those who recognize ternary when they see it.

Edit: And those who've figured out quaternary.

Edit: Right. Right. Quinary too.

Edit: And a few people who figured out that this joke never ends.

Interviewer: "Do you like rock 'n' roll"

Sisyphus: "Not even a bit."

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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You know how they say blondes are dumb?

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop

She's greeted by the cashier who says welcome to my ice cream shop we have almost every flavor you can think of but unfortunately we are out of all chocolate items including ice cream and toppings so what are you having today miss?

She replies can ...

At a hotel, a man sees an attractive lady...

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he catches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"that was so embarrassing" she says and she pops her eye back into place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, will you let me buy you dinner ...

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T


Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people look bright until they start talking.

My wife keeps telling me I'n the cheapest person she ever met.

I'm not buying it.

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The only white man that can say the N word is

An albino black man

First time posting, be gentle...

A child was competing in a spelling bee and was doing quite well, until the moderator said: "your word is 'inward' "....

Spelling bee contestant: "N-I-G-G..."

Moderator: "Jesus no, stop please! "

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter pint. The bartender interrupts them, “You guys need to learn your limits. Two pints, coming right up!”

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?


I don’t understand why white people can’t say the N word

We invented it after all

What does NASCAR stand for?

Non Athletic Sports Centered Around Rednecks

(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln

I just foiled your plan.

What are Mexicans favorite sport?


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Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.

But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."

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What do you call a bunch of corgis fucking?

A (c)orgy.

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

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Me Tarzan, you Jane...

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk ...

Who's the best Mexican Sharpshooter?

Juan Tap

If the number 666 is considered evil 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

I ordered a chicken and eggs from Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

What do you get if you combine two Gs, an I, an E, an R, an S, and an N. I’ll tell you, you get the worst kind o man in the world:


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There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,

and those who bitch about reposts.

Where do you buy illegal n-word passes?

The blackmarket

What is a 4-letter word for a woman that ends with U-N-T

Aunt ... you sicko

A one-legged man goes to a beer bar

Bartender asks "What'll you have?"

He replies "Something hoppy"

I love how Canadian money is Scratch n Sniff!

American money is too, just not intentionally.

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What begins with “N” and ends with “S” And is ruining America?


A cow stumbles into pot field,

The steaks have never been higher.

(Not original from the road sign from somewhere )

Why don’t In n Out and Chick-Fil-A combine restaurants?

They’re too scared and would just Chick n Out.

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

We all know a pirate's favorite letter(s), but what's a Spaniard's favorite letter?

It's n, yay!

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer

It never gets old.

I called my repairman to complain about a faulty icemaker that had been leaking ...

When he came back out to the house, he discovered it was just some ice that had fallen and melted on the floor. I offered my apologies for the mistake. The repairman told me not to worry, as far as he was concerned, it was water under the fridge.

I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn’t what I thought it was.

Stanley the Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license and the first thing they had him do was take an eyesight test. The optician showed him the chart with the letters, "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" asked the optician.

Excitedly, Stanley yelled, "Read it?! I know the guy!"

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What's a 6-letter word that starts with the letter “n”, has 2 vowels in it, the letter "r" in it, and perfectly describes black people?


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Four nuns

There is a bus crash and four nuns are standing at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter comes out and says
“You have all lived very pious lives and are welcome into heaven! All you have to do is wash away your sins with this holy water.”

The first nun walks up and says “I once looked at a man’...

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My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

A bicycle can't stand alone

It's two tired

If you meet someone new, talk about global warming.

Its a really good icebreaker.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly m...

Nicki Minaj is pregnant with Sam 'n Ella twins.

After apparently a guy named Romaine tossed her salad.

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A local radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says,

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"

"Sure it is," arg...

Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

The word "nun" is just the letter "n"...

...doing a somersault.

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think "R", but his first love be the "C".

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Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars.

...I'll see myself out.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

Should've cooked it on aloha temperature..

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?


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A lady from South Carolina meets up with a woman from New York

South Carolina lady: Where y'all from?

New Yorker: Where I'm from, we don't end a sentence with a preposition

South Carolina lady: Oh okay, Where y'all from, bitch?


History Teacher:"Why are the Middle ages called the dark ages?"
John:"Because there were so many nights in them."

If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country if trump wins I'm leaving the country.

Not a political repost I'm just getting deported

Job Interview

"It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17x19?"


"That's not even close!"

"But it was quick!"

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Scottish Flirting

A couple went out to the pub in Scotland for a few drinks. The boyfriend went to the loo, leaving his girlfriend alone at the bar.

A sauced fellow approaches her at the bar. "Wow," he says in his thick accent, "you're so beautiful! If yous was my girlfriend, I'd kiss ye all over!"

The ...

Fords coming out with heated tailgates.

So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it home.

God bless you son

5 year old son after reading story of a king.

Son:Mom, I also want 5 will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

My auntie has a traditional remedy for Tourette's.

She swears by it.

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According to Johnny Depp's interview with David Letterman, he doesnt watch his own movies

lucky bastard...

The Devil went to a small church...

The congregation at a die hard church was in full swing when with a stench of brimstone and puff of smoke the devil appeared! All them members ran from the church except one little old man in the first row who sat looking calmly at him.
The devil loomed over the old man and growled " Do you real...

A man dies and goes to Rock N' Roll Heaven..( semi-long)

Upon arrival he is immersed immediately in all the sights and sounds of everything from classic rock to modern anything you would want to listen to, experience and see in person LIVE that you may of missed during your life on Earth.

He looks over and sees Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Randy Rhodes,...

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an irish daughter

had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....

Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny.

Judge: What?

Lawyer: He's in a cent!

Using the letters P S N I E... name a part of the human body that works best when erect.

If you answered "SPINE" You are correct

Id like to order a number 3 combo with a Mac n cheese side and large coke

Okay that will be $7.86 sir, what kind of drink would you like?


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first asks, "1 beer please!"

The second asks, "1/2 beer please!"

The third asks, "1/4 beer please!"

The fourth asks, "1/8 beer please!"

And so on. Eventually, the bar tender gets very angry, and slams 2 beers on the counter yelling,

"You mathematicians just don...

Have you heard about the shampoo crisis in jamaica?

It's dreadful

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Every N.W.A song

Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas!

Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown.

[Modernized] Why do U.N. tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the village they were supposed to protect.

I lost my watch at a party the other night

It fell in my drink.

I guess it's drinking time.

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Sitting on a park bench

One day a kid was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

An older man walks up and notices the young boy and says, "you shouldn't be eating all those candy bars, they aren't good for you."

The young boy looks at the man and replies, "did you know my grandad lived ...

A Haiku on the Rules of Writing a Haiku

Syllable structure:

First five, then seven, then 5.

Just like this one isn't.

Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.

There was a diamond in the ruff.

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NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'?


you dumb cunt.

I used a N.W.A song for my jazz assessment

My teacher said it was a straight path to an eazy e

Why don't Indians like snow?

Because it's white and on their land

[Warning: Stupid] What dessert did N'Sync always request on tour?

Pie, pie, pie...

Queen Elizabeth may have died at 102 years old

but Princess Diana got to 120 when she died.

How often do i make jokes about chemistry?


What happened to the Guns 'n Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?

Its axle rose.

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I dumped the girl I met at Dyslexia Club because she used the "N" word.


What is the average of 5, 8, 17, N, and N?

Whatever number you want, because the N's justify the mean.

"Hey everybody I'm from the D.N.A"

The National Dyslexics Association.

What do C, V, B, N and M do after work?

They hang around the space bar.

What did the leaders of China and N. Korea order for lunch at their meeting


What bounces and makes little children cry?

My donation check to Feed the Children!

What do you call Mac N' Cheese without a lot of cheese?

Lackin' cheese.

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Why does Japan love Obama?

He is first Barack president.

Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills

If life give you melons...

You're probably dyslexic.

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The name's Brown, B-R-O-W-N

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6' 6", 275 pounds, white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ...

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