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You know how they say blondes are dumb?

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop

She's greeted by the cashier who says welcome to my ice cream shop we have almost every flavor you can think of but unfortunately we are out of all chocolate items including ice cream and toppings so what are you having today miss?

She replies can ...

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

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A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"

The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".


(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln

I just foiled your plan.

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What do you call a vagina that says the n word?

A racist cunt

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?


There are 10 types of people in the world...

Those who don't understand binary...

And those who do.

Edit: And those who recognize ternary when they see it.

Edit: And those who've figured out quaternary.

Edit: Right. Right. Quinary too.

Edit: And a few people who figured out that this joke never ends.

My wife keeps telling me I'n the cheapest person she ever met.

I'm not buying it.

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T


At a hotel, a man sees an attractive lady...

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he catches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"that was so embarrassing" she says and she pops her eye back into place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, will you let me buy you dinner ...

Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z

Groom: Why did you say that?

Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'

My cat is the opposite of a scratch n sniff sticker

First he sniffs me, then he starts stratching

Did you know that light travels faster than sound?

That's why some people look bright until they start talking.

A child was competing in a spelling bee and was doing quite well, until the moderator said: "your word is 'inward' "....

Spelling bee contestant: "N-I-G-G..."

Moderator: "Jesus no, stop please! "

How much sleep does a teenager need?

Just five more minutes.

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The only white man that can say the N word is

An albino black man

First time posting, be gentle...

What are Mexicans favorite sport?


What does NASCAR stand for?

Non Athletic Sports Centered Around Rednecks

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What do you call a bunch of corgis fucking?

A (c)orgy.

Why don’t In n Out and Chick-Fil-A combine restaurants?

They’re too scared and would just Chick n Out.

I love how Canadian money is Scratch n Sniff!

American money is too, just not intentionally.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter pint. The bartender interrupts them, “You guys need to learn your limits. Two pints, coming right up!”

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Two mathematicians are having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about what the unwashed masses understand about math.

The first (and somewhat snotty) mathematician claims that the average American has trouble counting, much less doing complex math; the second (and rather down with the modern student, if he does say so himself) mathematician says people are generally smarter than they know, and you just have to enco...

I ordered a chicken and eggs from Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

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There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,

and those who bitch about reposts.

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Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.

But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."

What is a 4-letter word for a woman that ends with U-N-T

Aunt ... you sicko

A one-legged man goes to a beer bar

Bartender asks "What'll you have?"

He replies "Something hoppy"

A cow stumbles into pot field,

The steaks have never been higher.

(Not original from the road sign from somewhere )

I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn’t what I thought it was.

Stanley the Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for his driver's license and the first thing they had him do was take an eyesight test. The optician showed him the chart with the letters, "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" asked the optician.

Excitedly, Stanley yelled, "Read it?! I know the guy!"

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Me Tarzan, you Jane...

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk ...

If the number 666 is considered evil 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer

It never gets old.

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What's a 6-letter word that starts with the letter “n”, has 2 vowels in it, the letter "r" in it, and perfectly describes black people?


I called my repairman to complain about a faulty icemaker that had been leaking ...

When he came back out to the house, he discovered it was just some ice that had fallen and melted on the floor. I offered my apologies for the mistake. The repairman told me not to worry, as far as he was concerned, it was water under the fridge.

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

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Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


Nicki Minaj is pregnant with Sam 'n Ella twins.

After apparently a guy named Romaine tossed her salad.

If you meet someone new, talk about global warming.

Its a really good icebreaker.

A bicycle can't stand alone

It's two tired

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Four nuns

There is a bus crash and four nuns are standing at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter comes out and says
“You have all lived very pious lives and are welcome into heaven! All you have to do is wash away your sins with this holy water.”

The first nun walks up and says “I once looked at a man’...

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.

So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly m...


History Teacher:"Why are the Middle ages called the dark ages?"
John:"Because there were so many nights in them."

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My girlfriend said to me "sex is better on holiday"...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

The word "nun" is just the letter "n"...

...doing a somersault.

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A local radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.

So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says,

The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"

"Sure it is," arg...

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Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

What's a pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think "R", but his first love be the "C".

Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

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Scottish Flirting

A couple went out to the pub in Scotland for a few drinks. The boyfriend went to the loo, leaving his girlfriend alone at the bar.

A sauced fellow approaches her at the bar. "Wow," he says in his thick accent, "you're so beautiful! If yous was my girlfriend, I'd kiss ye all over!"

The ...

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

Should've cooked it on aloha temperature..

A man dies and goes to Rock N' Roll Heaven..( semi-long)

Upon arrival he is immersed immediately in all the sights and sounds of everything from classic rock to modern anything you would want to listen to, experience and see in person LIVE that you may of missed during your life on Earth.

He looks over and sees Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Randy Rhodes,...

What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?


What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars.

...I'll see myself out.

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A lady from South Carolina meets up with a woman from New York

South Carolina lady: Where y'all from?

New Yorker: Where I'm from, we don't end a sentence with a preposition

South Carolina lady: Oh okay, Where y'all from, bitch?

If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country if trump wins I'm leaving the country.

Not a political repost I'm just getting deported

My auntie has a traditional remedy for Tourette's.

She swears by it.

Job Interview

"It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17x19?"


"That's not even close!"

"But it was quick!"

God bless you son

5 year old son after reading story of a king.

Son:Mom, I also want 5 will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Have you heard about the shampoo crisis in jamaica?

It's dreadful

Using the letters P S N I E... name a part of the human body that works best when erect.

If you answered "SPINE" You are correct

The Devil went to a small church...

The congregation at a die hard church was in full swing when with a stench of brimstone and puff of smoke the devil appeared! All them members ran from the church except one little old man in the first row who sat looking calmly at him.
The devil loomed over the old man and growled " Do you real...

Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny.

Judge: What?

Lawyer: He's in a cent!

an irish daughter

had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....

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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as th...

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According to Johnny Depp's interview with David Letterman, he doesnt watch his own movies

lucky bastard...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"

... Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider...

Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first asks, "1 beer please!"

The second asks, "1/2 beer please!"

The third asks, "1/4 beer please!"

The fourth asks, "1/8 beer please!"

And so on. Eventually, the bar tender gets very angry, and slams 2 beers on the counter yelling,

"You mathematicians just don...

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Every N.W.A song

Verse 1: Sellin' crack rocks and shootin' muthafuckas!

Verse 2: Police pull me over just 'cause I'm brown.

I lost my watch at a party the other night

It fell in my drink.

I guess it's drinking time.

[Warning: Stupid] What dessert did N'Sync always request on tour?

Pie, pie, pie...

What do C, V, B, N and M do after work?

They hang around the space bar.

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Sitting on a park bench

One day a kid was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

An older man walks up and notices the young boy and says, "you shouldn't be eating all those candy bars, they aren't good for you."

The young boy looks at the man and replies, "did you know my grandad lived ...

What happened to the Guns 'n Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?

Its axle rose.

A Haiku on the Rules of Writing a Haiku

Syllable structure:

First five, then seven, then 5.

Just like this one isn't.

Fords coming out with heated tailgates.

So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it home.

My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.

There was a diamond in the ruff.

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I like my coffee like I like my girlfriend

Not fucking my best friend STACY YOU WHORE!

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

I dumped the girl I met at Dyslexia Club because she used the "N" word.


"Hey everybody I'm from the D.N.A"

The National Dyslexics Association.

What is the average of 5, 8, 17, N, and N?

Whatever number you want, because the N's justify the mean.

What did the leaders of China and N. Korea order for lunch at their meeting


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NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'?


you dumb cunt.

What is a word that starts with ‘n’ and ends with ‘r’ that you never want to call a black person?


What bounces and makes little children cry?

My donation check to Feed the Children!

Queen Elizabeth may have died at 102 years old

but Princess Diana got to 120 when she died.

What do you call Mac N' Cheese without a lot of cheese?

Lackin' cheese.

Why don't Indians like snow?

Because it's white and on their land

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Two old ladies, Wanda and Jean, were chatting one day, talking about this 'n' that, when the subject finally got around to sex...

Wanda said she enjoyed sex all the time and actually, just as much as ever.

Jean was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

Wanda said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage, she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head...

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The name's Brown, B-R-O-W-N

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6' 6", 275 pounds, white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ...

Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills

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Why does Japan love Obama?

He is first Barack president.

How often do i make jokes about chemistry?


What does the N on the Nebraska football team’s helmet stand for?


If life give you melons...

You're probably dyslexic.

What has an N, an I, two Gs, an E, and an R, and is brown?


I ap-p-p-p-lied for a j-job as a r-r-r-radio an-n-nouncer.

Sh-sh-shame on them, rej-jecting me because I'm b-b-b-black.

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Sixth-grade teacher

Mrs. Fisher, the sixth-grade teacher, tells the class that today they’re going to have a spelling bee.
Instructing the first kid to stand up, she asks, “Robert, what does your father do for a living? Say
it nice and clearly, and then spell it out.”
“My father’s a baker,” answers Robert. “B-...

What is DJ Khaled's favorite number?

11, because it is another 1.

Riddle me this: What's Hot N Red, Best in Bed?

A bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos cause I'm alone