UPJOKE
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What's wet on the inside, hairy on the outside... it starts with C, ends with T, and has a U and N in the middle?

A coconut.

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.



The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.


...

1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

what do u call a pig with 4 eyes

A piiiig.

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Joke from u/dirtydan156

This reminds me of a joke i heard.

A young city slicker from new york decided he wanted to get away from the big city and live a peaceful life out in the country running a farm. So he bought a little property with some fields and livestock. The first day after he moves into the new farmhouse,...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"

The French Ambassador was on a visit to the U.K.

During one stage of the visit, he was travelling in the Royal Carriage with Her Majesty the Queen.

Suddenly, one of the horses let out a tremendously loud and powerful fart.

"Oh dear, one can only apologise!" Said the Queen.

The French Ambassador was shocked. "I thought it was t...

Did you know that the U.S. Constitution protects the right to wear a short-sleeved shirt?

It says "the right to bare arms shall not be infringed."

(credit to my dad for this one)

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I love timezones

In England it's 12PM, in Germany it's 1PM and in the U.S it's 1953.

Fuck you, SCOTUS.

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Your body parts are arguing about who should be in charge.

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

The Pope speeding.

The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments. At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope ...

What sound does a Nintendo police car make?

Wii-U Wii-U Wii-U

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Did u hear

Did u hear about the poor woman who’s husband died during sex?…. I heard she was taking it hard

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I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not.

2 farmers are checking their fences for intruders

1st farmer finds a cow stuck in a post...proceeds to unbuckle his pants and violates the cow....then turns to the 2nd farmer and asks " u want some??" ..2nd farmer answers and says"yeah sure".....



Then sticks his head in the same post....

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

To all the people who type "u" instead of "you" ...

What exactly do you do with all the extra time you saved?

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

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A psycho cannibal is trying to eat your wife . What would u say ?

Keep my wife out of your fuckin mouth

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

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Guy goes to the doctor for a pain in his ass

Tells the doctor "doc ive got some pain right by the entrance of my asshole"

Doc replies: "long as u call it an entrance its gonna hurt"

What do u get when u play a country song backwards?

You get your house back, your wife back and your dog back

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What do u call a teenager who doesn't masturbate

A liar.

In class today, we’re talking about where are parents are from. I said my mom is from England and my dad is from the U.S.

“So you’re Brit-ish?”

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Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven (credits to u/DerRaumdenker)

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

A man wakes up from a coma

Man:what happened?!

Friend:you had a heart attack while playing peek-a-boo

Man:where am I?

Friend:*sigh* I.C.U.

The Netherlands really has the worst customer service: I went to a restaurant and asked "Can I use the Bathroom?" The owner told me.....

U kunt

There's only one word in the English language that begins with U and ends in E.

Unbelievable, right?!

My friend is from another culture, and he’ll ask me questions about Christianity

Like this one time, he was confused about the story of the birth of Jesus.

“Why was the mob involved?

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Says right here, that there were three wise guys there.”

(Edited thanks to u/soveranol for the better joke)

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

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The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

Bros Vs. Hoes. (credit to u/itshimstarwarrior)



*A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.*

**A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had...

My great-grandfather sunk 7 U-boats during WW2

Some say that he was the most incompetent captain in the Kriegsmarine

A American, a French man, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performance

They were in the back peeking through the crowd of people, The performer noticed them struggling to see and notices a wooden box nearby. Without stopping his performance he stands on the box and says, "Can u see me"
They reply
"Yes"
"Oui
"Sí"
"Ja".

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Little boy's wisdom

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minut...

A Genie grants a wish.

I met a magical Genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you.

The Genue saud, "Weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

What do u call someone who has altered their nationality?

An alternative

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.

POST REMOVED

**Rule 3 - No Spam posts.**

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

What do you say when 2 fans of Bono tell you they love you?

I love you too you two U 2 fans.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

If I had a nickel for every time I was called hot, I would be the U.S.A

28.7 trillion dollars in debt

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What do u call a black man that flies plane?

A pilot u racist bastard.

U know why Christians call the preist 'Father' ?

Cuz calling them Daddy would be too suspicious.

‌‌After s‌‌ex w‌‌ith m‌‌y n‌‌ew g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌ast n‌‌ight s‌‌he s‌‌nuggled u‌‌p n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌You a‌‌re d‌‌efinitely t‌‌he b‌‌iggest I‌‌'ve e‌‌ver h‌‌ad."

Apparently "‌‌ditto" w‌‌asn't t‌‌he c‌‌orrect r‌‌esponse.

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

‌‌I w‌‌as f‌‌ucking m‌‌y s‌‌ecretary u‌‌p t‌‌he a‌‌rse w‌‌hen m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌alked i‌‌n

She s‌‌aid, "‌‌You c‌‌an't d‌‌o t‌‌his t‌‌o m‌‌e!"

I s‌‌aid, "‌‌I k‌‌now... t‌‌hat's w‌‌hy I‌‌'m d‌‌oing i‌‌t t‌‌o h‌‌er.

Now that everyone carries a decent camera with them...

Where did all of the U.F.O's go?

It's official, the City Council has approved the removal of all u-turns in town.

There's no turning back now.

Instructions

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv. " until the agency received th...

My chiropractor and I got into a terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

I just came up with this

A photon us going through airport security. The security guard says "that's not a lot of luggage" the photon says "I'm travelling light.

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What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

What u think about our love?

boy: what u think about our love?

girl: try to count the stars in the sky.

boy: awww. . it's infinite?

girl: no darling! It's a

waste of time!

I heard you’re looking for a STUD

I got the STD, I just need U

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What do u call a constipated detective

No shit, Sherlock

My New Company

A buddy of mine and I have decided to go into business making truck bed covers out of oak, maple and teak. The business name will be U-Like Products.

When someone asks what that contraption is on the back of your truck, you can proudly respond, "Wooden U-Like tonneau."

hooker joke #1

So a man get $5 hooker .

The next day he realizes he has crabs ..

furious, the man goes back to the hooker and tells her " hey you gave me crabs wtf"

The hooker replies ...." It was $5 what u expect? Lobsters? .....

What do u call a fish with a bow tie?

So*fish*ticated

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes Y." The priest then turned to her and asked...

And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

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Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

what is the propeller used for on an airplane?

Many people dont know this, but is actually for air conditioning, if u ever get to see it, when the propeller stops the pilot suddenly starts sweating

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

Great news! The U.S. is now 61.7% fully vaccinated ...

... and 28.4% fully dewormed.

A guy asked a girl in a university library...

..."Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and ...

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."

Husband: "Ok and if you fail,...

What does a British person say when they see an American toilet?

It's a potty in the U.S.A.

A Nun and a Priest get caught in a Storm

They seek shelter for the night in a cabin in the woods. Theres a bed and a pile of blankets and a sleeping bag inside. The Priest is a Gentleman so he lets the nun sleepd in the bed.

After an hour the nun whispers:

"Priest im so cold, can u get me another blanket?"

He gets up...

I’m no racist, except when it comes to people who like the 21st letter of the alphabet

U-people make me sick

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

Why did Star Wars come out in the order of 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8,9?

“in charge of scheduling, I was”

Credit: u/Demonazzzz

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what is the one similarity between a dick and a bottled drink

U shake them well for best taste

What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.?

Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line

A Hungarian termite discovered the Noble Eightfold Path

They now call him the Buddhapest

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

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They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

Dating an homeless girl is cool af

Cause u can just drop her off anywhere

T‌‌he U‌‌S i‌‌s h‌‌aving s‌‌o m‌‌any d‌‌isasters a‌‌nd t‌‌ragedies

Y‌‌ou'd a‌‌lmost t‌‌hink i‌‌t w‌‌as b‌‌uilt o‌‌n t‌‌op o‌‌f t‌‌housands o‌‌f a‌‌ncient i‌‌ndian b‌‌urial g‌‌rounds.

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Jokes are like U.S. Presidents

This one is fucking awful

I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger retired from acting but he still keeps busy.

He's working as an exterminator.


(Hi u/govschwarzenegger!)

At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time.

"If we report this, we won't be home in four hours," says one.

"You know what?" says the other, "we'll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!" No sooner said than done.

A short time later, two Mexican border guards come by. One of them says in amazement, "Now he's hang...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

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Did you know that you can substitute the letter U for a vowel into certain words and it would be pronounced almost the same? For example: replace the E in perk or jerk, the O in work, the I in shirk or Kirk...

And according to my girlfriend, the E in sex!

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On a beach

Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs. 3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. 1 said “U ever had a hug?” He said “No” so she hugged him & walked on. 2nd said “U ever had a kiss?” He said “No” so she kissed him & walked on. 3rd said “U ever been fucked?” He said “No” as...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

Flux Capacitor

Part of me feels really bad about this. I mean he's only a kid. He's really too young to understand what I did to him. But do it to him I did. I 121G’d the lad.

I went into an O’Reilly’s store last week to pick up some wiper blades. I had this young kid helping me. He made a comment about how...

I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

I said to my wife while in the bedroom "Your underwear is too tight and revealing"

"Wear your own then" she replied..

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What does a roll of toilet paper and the U.S.S. Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for klingons.

Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it.

"What did you do?" asked his brother.

"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!"

"Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother.

"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"

I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint

Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?

A 70 year old man asked his wife: "do you feel sad when u see me running after the young girls?"

wife replied : no, not at all. every dogs chase cars they can't drive

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

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Being a College Student is hard

Being a college student is hard. Every day, you have to clear up your schedule and make time to sit down and focus, find the right material, make sure no one will interrupt, and really zone in on completion. By the end of the night, your eyes are dry and your wrist is sore. And sometimes after all t...

Veterans Day

An elderly American gentleman of 97 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. He admitted he had been to France previously. "Then ...

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?

U r a bus

What do you call someone who can’t make a good joke?

Somebody who can’t make a good joke

Superman challenges The Flash to a race

"You will never beat me" said the flash, "but I guess I can let you try" they agree to run from the east coast of the U.S to the west.

The race begins and Superman runs as fast as he can, he puts absolutely everything he's got into it but when he gets to the west coast he see's the flash sit...

Constipation ia a side effect of the covid vaccine

After u take the first dose u will have to wait a few weeks for no. 2

Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?

Minnesota!

A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

"And remember," said the boss, "there's no I in TEAM!"

"Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "and there's not much sign of U in it either."

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

How many Google engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. The custom devs will eventually take care of it!

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

This is how u make holy water:

U take the water, and boil the hell out of it

Despite what his detractors say, Donald Trump accomplished what no other U.S. President was able to do.

He got himself impeached. TWICE.

Whats the worst part about having bad memory?

I'll tell u when I remember

A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat:

Lychan Sub Scribe

Tom f‌‌inally d‌‌ecided t‌‌o t‌‌ie t‌‌he k‌‌not w‌‌ith h‌‌is l‌‌ongtime g‌‌irlfriend. O‌‌ne e‌‌vening, a‌‌fter t‌‌he h‌‌oneymoon, h‌‌e w‌‌as c‌‌leaning o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is h‌‌ot r‌‌ods f‌‌or a‌‌n u‌‌pcoming s‌‌how.

His w‌‌ife w‌‌as s‌‌tanding t‌‌here a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ench w‌‌atching h‌‌im. A‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌eriod o‌‌f s‌‌ilence s‌‌he f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks. "‌‌Honey, I‌‌'ve j‌‌ust b‌‌een t‌‌hinking, n‌‌ow t‌‌hat w‌‌e a‌‌re m‌‌arried m‌‌aybe i‌‌t's t‌‌ime y‌‌ou q‌‌uit s‌‌pending a‌‌ll y‌‌our t‌‌ime o‌‌ut h‌‌ere i‌...

A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum

Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?

Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.

An old/dumb "either/or" joke

A man contemplates whether to return home with a taxi or with a bus.

If I take a taxi (he thinks), that's fine. But if I take a bus then there are 2 options: Either I sit alone, or next to someone.

If I sit alone, that's fine. But if I sit next someone, then it's either a man or a wom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into an icecream shop

W: Hi! May I get two scoops of chocolate please?

M: I'm sorry, ma'am. We are currently out of chocolate.

W: What a shame. Well, then could I have a scoop of strawberry, a scoop of vanilla annnnd... A scoop of chocolate please?

M: Ma'am, I will be happy to get you strawberry and ...

A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom

Teacher: “sing the ABC’s, then I’ll let you go”

Kindergartner: “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

Teacher: “Where’s the P?”

Kindergartner: “It’s running down my pants!”

My friend struggles a lot with always writing his n's upside-down.

I told him "That sounds like a u problem."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I also met my girlfriend at a zoo like u/moosekila

She was beautiful, but she was behind bars, now I am.



I know this joke is shit, but she was throwing hers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens if u give a lawyer viagra?

He grows.





But seriously: what do lawyers use for birth control?


Their business card.

There are two letters of the alphabet that I don't know

I don't know u and I don't know y

What do you call an All-Furry Streaming Service?

hUwU

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day,

Anal sex makes your hole weak.










Edit: added “whole”
Props to a fellow redditor for correction. u/rex-natchez!

Do y‌‌ou e‌‌ver w‌‌ake u‌‌p, k‌‌iss t‌‌he p‌‌erson s‌‌leeping b‌‌eside y‌‌ou a‌‌nd f‌‌eel g‌‌lad t‌‌hat y‌‌ou're a‌‌live?

I j‌‌ust d‌‌id a‌‌nd a‌‌pparently w‌‌ill n‌‌ot b‌‌e a‌‌llowed o‌‌n t‌‌his a‌‌irline a‌‌gain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what happens when you assume, right?

U get in between me ass.

(NSFW) a 1990 Kinsey Institute report states that 5 to 10 percent of the U.S. population engages in sadomasochism at least an occasional basis.

That's a rough estimate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

Three men are lost in the southwestern U.S. when they see a strange figure near a cliff.

They approach the figure and he introduces himself. “I am the magical genie of Arizona. When you go over this cliff, say something you desire. I will summon it for you to land on at the bottom of the cliff.” The men are a little uncertain.

The first one peers over the edge of the cliff and f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You’ll often hear that performing oral sex on yourself is more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. What they won’t tell you is at the moment of climax your top half’s instinct is to arch back while your bottom half’s instinct is to thrust forward

So anyway, I learned how to do a backflip

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

What is the one thing that we will never see happening in the U.S.?

School shooting...


where the shooter is eating a Kinder Surprise Egg.

What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

Adults

A, E, I, O, U, Who, When, Where, What...

... and sometimes Y?

What do you call a duck that steals the letters A, E, I, O, and U?

A foul vowel fowl.

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