UPJOKE
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U Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes are like U.S. Presidents

This one is fucking awful

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the grea...

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Why did the US take the "u" out of words like "colour" and "honour"?

Because, fuck you, that's why

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

If U.S. taxpayers had to pay maternity leave....

The right to abortion would be the first amendment.

A Muslim walks into the U.S

Just kidding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked...

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat.

There seemed to be one
next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there,
he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary
Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have tha...

A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff..

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his ...

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

/u/username goes to the grocery store....

username checks out.

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.

Muslims in the U.S.A

[Removed]

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I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not.

A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"

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Do u speak English.!

U Speaka Da English? A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come t...

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.

He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks bac...

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cause you’re blocking the TV

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

What starts with f and ends with u c k

Firetruck you dirty language monster

Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.

Coconut.

The current U.S. Secretary of State and the 16th U.S. president have something in common…

They’re both a Blinken

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

A train goes under a tunnel. Credits to /u/capilot

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the y...

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NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'?

"Count"




you dumb cunt.

1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

what do u call a pig with 4 eyes

A piiiig.

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An German naval captain is reassigned to a new u-boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.
Calling for his first officer, he ...

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How did u do it so well?

Couple claiming Virginity:
Girl: If this is your 1st time, then how did u do it so well?

Boy: If this is your 1st time, then how do u know that I did well???

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

People in the U.S. eat more bananas than monkeys.

In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas,
and only ate 6 monkeys.

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If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

adults

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

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U.S. news......

In U.S. news, a Woman tries to cut of her lovers penis but instead she missed and cut his thigh.



She is currently being charged with a misdaweiner.

What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

What do u get when u play a country song backwards?

You get your house back, your wife back and your dog back

I could tell u a roof joke

But it probably just go over ur head

What's the police's favorite gaming console?

WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

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How does a member of the U.S. military show their gratitude to the prostitute they just visited?

Thank you for your cervix.

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide.

At least we're in the top 10.

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

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Joke from u/dirtydan156

This reminds me of a joke i heard.

A young city slicker from new york decided he wanted to get away from the big city and live a peaceful life out in the country running a farm. So he bought a little property with some fields and livestock. The first day after he moves into the new farmhouse,...

What are the only two words in the English language that have two U’s together?

Vacuum and Sheep.

I'm starting to hate the U.S. government

The NSA appears to be the only department which listens

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Did u hear

Did u hear about the poor woman who’s husband died during sex?…. I heard she was taking it hard

I just found out what it's called when you can't sleep and u just eat instead.

It's called....

Insomnomnomnomnomia

To all the people who type "u" instead of "you" ...

What exactly do you do with all the extra time you saved?

What do u get when u cross a mexican with a octopus?

Best damn apple picker you've ever seen.

I asked my horse who sang her favorite version of Nothing Compares 2 U.

She neighed.



(RIP)

A man made an illegal U-turn at a red light when taking his son to school. He said, “Oh no! I have made an illegal U-turn!”

The son replied, “It’s ok, dad. The police car behind us did the same thing!”

I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”

The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the ...

Once this damned war is over, me and some of the lads are gonna throw a massive rave party for Russians and Ukranians, Chechens - everyone is welcome! We're hiring some of the biggest DJ's from the U.S, U.K, Poland, Germany....

And

a

Czech

one,

too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When u get to college u get the freshman15 - what do u call the weight u gain during quarantine?

The Covid-19

girl are u my neighbor's wifi?

cuz u have a stupid name and im having trouble connecting

Do u know y i knock on my fridge before opening

Because there might be a salad dressing inside

What do u call a woman with only one leg (left) ?

Eileen Wright

PS4/Xbox joke

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

Why did Jabeur lose the U.S. Open Tennis final?

She was Iga to play, but she just couldn't turn it ons.

What do u call a fish with a bow tie?

So*fish*ticated

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven (credits to u/DerRaumdenker)

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

What do u call it when a trumpet farts?

A toot !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

Bros Vs. Hoes. (credit to u/itshimstarwarrior)



*A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.*

**A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had...

They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border

Since no one can get over her...

If I had a nickel for every time I was called hot, I would be the U.S.A

28.7 trillion dollars in debt

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What do u call a teenager who doesn't masturbate

A liar.

What do you get, when you cross an Eldritch Horror, with an E-Girl?

CthUwU.

What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ?

**A bloody mess.**

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

Gubble-u Gubble-u Gubble-u Got com ...

... a great website for trainee ventriloquists.

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What do u call a constipated detective

No shit, Sherlock

I recently bought a ouija board the other day, I asked a question: “hello, is anybody there?” The reply I got was: “Y. O. U. U. U. U. U

Guess I accidentally bought a soulja board

Which U.S. state abbreviation is the best?

I'm not sure, but Oklahoma's is OK.

What u think about our love?

boy: what u think about our love?

girl: try to count the stars in the sky.

boy: awww. . it's infinite?

girl: no darling! It's a

waste of time!

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

Captain, are u sure we're sailing to Italy?

-Of course.
-But the compass is upside down.
-Off course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandma's Tattoo(x-post credit to /u/pantyraid7036)

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

What are U, E, U, E doing in Queue?

They're waiting for their turn.

A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, “Give me all your money!”

The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!”

The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

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A psycho cannibal is trying to eat your wife . What would u say ?

Keep my wife out of your fuckin mouth

The French Ambassador was on a visit to the U.K.

During one stage of the visit, he was travelling in the Royal Carriage with Her Majesty the Queen.

Suddenly, one of the horses let out a tremendously loud and powerful fart.

"Oh dear, one can only apologise!" Said the Queen.

The French Ambassador was shocked. "I thought it was t...

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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

My great-grandfather sunk 7 U-boats during WW2

Some say that he was the most incompetent captain in the Kriegsmarine

What happened after the U.S. imposed the death penalty for banking-related crypto fraud?

Bank-Man fried!

What do China and the U.S have in common with each other?

The United States lets it’s citizens make fun of the nation’s government. China also lets it’s citizens make fun of the U.S government

How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

U know why Christians call the preist 'Father' ?

Cuz calling them Daddy would be too suspicious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do u call a black man that flies plane?

A pilot u racist bastard.

Phil Mickelson just missed the cut at the U.S. Open

He must be LIV-id

Welcome back to /u/JokeExplainBot

I banned on a rule that we had enforced in the past. However, we talked the issue over and were able to reach common ground. Sorry for any trouble this caused.

/u/ElderCunningham

This is how u make holy water:

U take the water, and boil the hell out of it

The U.S. election results delay is pathetic

In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.



The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.


...

Great news! The U.S. is now 61.7% fully vaccinated ...

... and 28.4% fully dewormed.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

What do u call an annoying zen master from Hungary?

Buddhapest

I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint

Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

If you commit 90 sins, u will get caught 45 times. Why?

Because Sin 90 = Cot 45!

The U.S mint stopped making pennies.

I don't know why, it doesn't make any cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Korean Pop is KPop

Is Chinese Rap Crap?

EDIT: I just got on and looked at this post.....
THANK U SO MUCH!!!! This was my first post and it got all the way to the top!! Thank you sooo much!!

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God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

What do u call a cute portal?

"A door-able"

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

Hey girl are u a brain tumor?

Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

Why can't people in the U.S. play chess?

Because their king is actually a pawn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love timezones

In England it's 12PM, in Germany it's 1PM and in the U.S it's 1953.

Fuck you, SCOTUS.

Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system?

There would be mass confusion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a pain in his ass

Tells the doctor "doc ive got some pain right by the entrance of my asshole"

Doc replies: "long as u call it an entrance its gonna hurt"

TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Three Chinese brothers emigrated to the U.S.

They were told to change their names, Bu, Chu, and Fu, into names sounding more familiar for American ears, so Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck, and Fu went back to China.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

The new U.S. President

Is not your average Joe.

After what happened at the U.S. Captiol

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

I worked at the U.S.Mint because it was the only job close by

I didn't have a car, it was just the only thing that made cents at the time.

I said to my wife while in the bedroom "Your underwear is too tight and revealing"

"Wear your own then" she replied..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens if u give a lawyer viagra?

He grows.





But seriously: what do lawyers use for birth control?


Their business card.

A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn't know why the U.S. deported him there.

Can you imagine Hispanic?

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

A werewolf stenographer starts a YouTube channel from his post on a U-boat:

Lychan Sub Scribe

Do U want Super Bowl Tickets?? Read below.

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED... A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2021 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid 11,500 each. It comes with ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner and 400.00 bar tab. Also a back stage pass to the winners locker room. He didn't realize last year when he bought them, i...

Did you know that the U.S. Constitution protects the right to wear a short-sleeved shirt?

It says "the right to bare arms shall not be infringed."

(credit to my dad for this one)

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

u didn’t get it

Two engineering students were biking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off ...

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

I saw a U.F.O!!!!!

But then learned its called a canary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!

Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising u...

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