The 99+ Best B Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”

The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-plea...

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don’t remember the rest.

Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet

Cassette tapes have side A and side B…

… so it’s only logical their successor would be the CD.

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

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The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful

Bitches love being called beautiful

What would Cardi B be called if she decided to live a healthy lifestyle ?

Cardi O

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Mr. S is talking to Mr.B

First time telling a joke here. A bit dry but I find it funny

Mr. S is talking to Mr.B
Mr.B your bathroom is the same exact size like my bathroom. I need to buy tiles, how many boxes did you get when you did yours?

Mr.B: 20 boxes of tiles!

A week later

Mr.S tells Mr....

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?

Wasabi

I asked the B-52s where i could find a Pope

They told me "Rome if you want two!" Had to break the news about benedict to them.

What starts with B and is full of B?

A beehive!

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

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A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem."

The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"

The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stut...

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌

I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I don't know how to driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus

a^2 + b^2 = c^2

But only if the angle is right.

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

Donald Trump was asked "what comes after the letter b in alphabet"

Folks, let me tell you, this is a great question. It's a huge question, it's tremendous. Just last day a decorated veteran with tears in his eyes came to me and asked" sir, please sir, can you answer what comes after the letter b in alphabet?". And let me tell you, the answer is a big deal. It's a b...

What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

It stands for "Benoit B. Mandelbrot"

It looks like almost a year since this one was posted so seemed okay for a repost.

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

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What are sweaty bOObs called?

Humiditities

"What's your plan B if art doesn't work out, sir?"

"Politics."

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

I just took a test and got an A, B, and a C!!

These Hepatitis tests are a joke.

Did you know? Coi travel in groups of 4 once they're attacked koi a b and c swim away

And the d koi is attacked

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Nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on my first day at work

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean...

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

If BJ is Bad Joke then what is B+iJ?

Complex Bad Joke.

And if you didn't find it funny, that's because the Joke part was imaginary.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

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A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you...

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

The B in limb is silent

Just like the p in bathwater

I tried plan a,b,c,d, but none of them worked.

But, plan e might just take off.

You could say I'm B.R.O.K.E.

B - Bad

R - At

O - Acronyms

K -

E -

y=mx+b jokes are great...

but at some point we'll have to draw the line.

What gets four As and a B but still fails in schooling?

ALABAMA

My friend told me, “You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks,

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p...

There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine?

Farmer C

Our Pharmaceutical company's records show that people prefer Pill A and Pill B...

But I think Pill O is being slept on.

I got a handj*b from a blind girl.

She said it was the biggest d\*ck she ever put her hands on.

I said, "No, you're just pulling my leg!"

It’s amusing how Americans love Cardi-B

..but hate Cardi-o

Guy A calls guy B

Guy A tells guy B, "I bet you I can get us the day off at work tommorow," so Guy A tells him that plan.l

The next day guy A goes to work and goes on the roof

The boss walks in and asks him what he's doing, guy A says "I'm a light bulb!"

The boss tells him that he's been working ...

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It's B.B. King's Birthday...

His wife wants to do something special for him, so she goes to a tattoo parlor. She gets a "B" one the left ass cheek and another "B" on the right.
She waits for BB to get home wearing a silky bra and panties. When he walks in his wife stands in front of him and says "Happy Birthday Baby" the...

If A=B and B=C

then do not get a job proofreading.

What's the one piece of advice that would benefit both a tightrope walker and a guy getting a b.j. from an 85-year-old woman?

"Don't look down."

In honor of the father of fractals’ 96th birthday: What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot’s name stand for?

It stands for Benoit B. Mandelbrot

A man walks into a bar and says "G-g-give me a b-b-beer". The bartender says "One b-b-beer coming r-r-right up".

Halfway through the beer a Texan comes in and says in his thick Texas accent, "Gimme a taaall beeeer."

The bartender says in a similar thick Texas accent, "One taaall beeeer coming riiight up."

The first guy says to the bartender, "Hey, are you m-m-making f-f-f-f-fun of m-m-me?"
...

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A bIack man walks into a bar...

and his cell mate laughs his ass off.

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What can you say to a dentist that you can also say to a prostitute?

Give me oral, B!

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

To raise heart health awareness, Cardi B changes her name...

To Cardi O

My asian bf didn't want to stick it in my B-hole

He changed his mind after after I called it my A-hole

Why does Cardi B explore haunted libraries?

To look for ghostwriters!

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as you...

Yo mamas so fat....

She starts the alphabet with O B C D

I got kicked out of a B League baseball game for heckling the players

When they approached me I asked them “Are you telling me I’m outta here?!”

A pianist cuts his hand on the notes B, D, and F#.

He goes to the doctor and tells him this. The doctor says

The damage looks to B minor.

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

What do you call someone getting too cosy with a b

Cosby

B flat, E flat, and G flat walk into a bar. The bartender stopped them and said,

"We don't serve minors"

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Cardi B did a promo at the superbowl

It was for Wet Ass Pepsi

BB King's wife had a B tattooed on each of her cheeks for his birthday

She dropped her panties, turned around and bent over. "Surprise", she said. BB looked at her and asked "Who's Bob?"

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

"Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?"

"Yes."

"That's the spirit!"

Yo Cardi B! What's your favourite shade of yellow?

Okurr!

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

What would you do for Cardi B?

Nothing, but I'd walk miles for Cardi O.

Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony...

He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male.

Got a B in my computer programming class

Call that a C++

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Cardi B was seen running in fear from a water balloon fight.

What a wet ass pussy.

his door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.

He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i ...

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

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A drunk walks into a crowded b...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have...

Cardi B was hosting a private pool party...

With music bumping, and social media blowing up with post about where it was, tons of fans were trying to get in, but bouncers turned them all away unless Cardi B gave approval herself.

As the party reached its peak, screams started coming from the pool and everyone rushed out getting water ...

What comes before part B?

PAR-TAY!!!!

The Pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales....

A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.

"I-i-i... I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father..."

"That would be wonderful, my son. We'll start you with one box. Please go door to door thr...

Little Johnny's b day

It was little Johnny's 8th b day. His mom was about to take a shower when little Johnny asked her if he can shower with her.

Little Johnny's mom said no.
Johnny said that it was her b day and she finally said yes.

In the shower little Johnny looked up a little and asked his mom wh...

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In memory of B.B. King

So B.B. King met a fan of his one night. She gushed about how much she loved his music, seen him 50 times, and even got his name tattooed on her.

He asks where the tattoo is, and she says, "well, it's a little embarrassing. I actually got a "B" on each buttcheek. I was really drunk that nig...

Why is the letter B so cool?

Because it's right in the middle of the AC.

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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

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What do you get when you divide (Sin B) by (Tan B)?

You get roofies, cuffs and a sore butthole

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

What does Cardi B say when fondly remembering the band Nirvana

Oh Kurrrt..

A, B, C

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said.

“Vitamin A, B or C?”, the pharmacist asked.

“It doesn’t matter”, the mother replied.

“He can’t read yet.”

If Cardi B was a bee. . .

Would she make honey moves?

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

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