UPJOKE
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Called Jokes

Chuck Norris called 911

And asked if they needed help.
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What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American
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If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

I started a band called 999 Megabytes

We still haven't gotten a gig.
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If Stranger Things was British it’d be called

Bit Odd Innit?
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Why is Texas called the Lone Star state?

Because you can’t leave a zero stars rating
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I’m in a band called “The Palindromes.”

Our first single is called “If I had a HiFi.”
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Son: why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan
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President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.
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Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."

Friend: "Ok shoot"

Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

Friend: "I dunno what?"

Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?

Friend: I dunno what?


*Click*

Whomever called them Kegels….

And not puss-ups really missed out
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One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.
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When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

'T. Hanks - For the Memories'
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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

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The new sex position is called Brexit:

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

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My wife called out another man's name during sex

If I ever find out who this "Ron Hole" is, I'm going to kill him

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

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My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.
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I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.
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a scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'
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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
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If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying
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What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
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I called the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decide...
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When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

So my twin brother called me from prison

He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
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What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry
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Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
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The first song from my new group, The Palindromes, is called...

If I Had A Hi-Fi
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What will the USA be called if it spilt into 2?

USA and USB
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What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.
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What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.
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Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.
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I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy.
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Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious
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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.
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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
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My math teacher called me average...

How mean.
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What is it called when you buy prostitutes in bulk?

Holesale

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My boss called this morning and shouted,

“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”

“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.

“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”

So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”

I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.
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My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."
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If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
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what's a person with reddit premium called?

predditor
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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.
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A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...
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If someone who speaks three languages is called trilingual and someone who speaks two languages is called bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?

American
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I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing :/
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Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."
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I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.
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Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence"
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What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation
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My wife called me pretentious

I was so surprised my monocle fell out..
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I work with a Chinese guy called Kim

One night we were at the bar having a drink and I asked “Do you ever get tired of westerners saying all Chinese people look the same?”

He replied: “Kim is at the bar getting the drinks. I’m his wife.”
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Someone just called me, sneezed and hung up.

God, I hate cold callers.
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People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated
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A group of professors were called and sat on a plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off, all the professors were informed that the plane was made by their students. Then all the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape with the exception of one professor who remained seated with so much confidence and calmness...
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You can paint a thousand paintings and not be called an artist...

You can run a thousand marathons and not be called an athlete...

You can cook a thousand meals and not be called a chef.

But as soon as you kill ONE PERSON...
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Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."
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I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin
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The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked


"Very critical," replied the officer


"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away
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Have you heard about the new sex position called the Liz Truss?

That's when you give her a weak Pound, then immediately leave the House.

A police officer responding to a gunshot call called his police chief.

"We got an old lady who shot her husband for walking on the floor after she just mopped it," he reported.

"Have you arrested her?" the chief asked.

"Nope. The floor's still wet," he replied.
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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?

Joe mama.
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I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears

Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
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A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...
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"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat."
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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

I called Shotgun long before everyone else, but still had to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.
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Why is it called white noise?

Because if it wasn’t white, it’d be called disturbing the peace
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I called up GameStop customer support

They told me to hold.
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My wife called me earlier.

“Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!"

“I'm having a few beers with the guys" I said.

“Well, I need you to come and open the door for me" she snapped "I've forgotten my key!"

“Calm down,” I replied. "I'll send Dave through...
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What is a Bear with no teeth called?

A gummy bear...
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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second ...

My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau...

...but that’s the highest form of flattery.
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Wife: Our son called me a bitch today

Husband: What! That little son of a bitch

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...
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The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful

Bitches love being called beautiful

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.
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My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs
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What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.
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Google's app management app is called "Google Play" and their payment app is called "Google pay"

Their navigation app should be called "Google Way"
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A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”
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I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
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I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.
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