A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, “Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?”

The judge says, “That is correct.”

“And does it mean that I can’t call a pig Ms. Harding?”

“No,” says the judge, “you are free to ca...

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

If I had a nickel for every time I was called hot, I would be the U.S.A

28.7 trillion dollars in debt

I bought a book called "how to scam people on-line"

This was three months ago and it still hasn't arrived ?

“Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?” “Well son, your mum really really loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks Dad”

“You're welcome Alan”

A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.”

Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage...

I was once in a band called "1023MB”,

I thought we had potential, but we just couldn't get a gig.

What will the 10th movie in the Fast and Furious franchise be called?

Fast10

Your seat belts

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire so she called 911.

The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house is on fire!”.

The operator asked, “Where are you? ”

The blonde answered, “At my house”.

The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how do we get there?”.

The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”

A police officer called the station on his radio.

“I have an interesting situation here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“No, the floor’s still wet.”

Whats it called when a king and queen have no children?

A receding heir line

What's a rimjob on an airplane called?

Skyrim

Who the hell called them 'Topless Bars.' ?

And not 'Breastaurants.'

What is a double date called in Alabama?

A family reunion.

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

There really should be a subgenre of hip-hop called Bubble Rap

It would probably sound a lot like pop.

Thought about a programming workshop called "Teaching Seniors to Code!"

Hospital didn't like my idea for some reason

What is Karen called in Europe?

An American

What is it called when a statistician can't get an erection?

Percentile disfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pornstar say when he called in sick? (NSFW)

Sorry, boss, I can't come today.

What is it called when a group of drug addicts overthrow the government?

A high coup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex position 69 will now be called 96

This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.

An older woman who dates younger men is called a cougar. What do you call an older man who dates younger women?

Rich.

A Girl called me ugly before she found out how much money I make.

Now she calls me ugly and poor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a sexist.

I'd not have to ask for dowry.

If a group of lions is called pride, what do you call a group of humans?

Prejudice.

I went to a restaurant called The Lord Giveth.

He also does takeaway

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

An ambulance was called to a local restaurant this afternoon.

When the paramedics walked in, the saw two men on the floor having seizures. The paramedics split up, each going to one of the men. Suddenly, both men stopped their convulsing. The paramedics asked if they were all right.

"Oh, we're fine. We both have epilepsy, but we don't let it interfere w...

What will Post Malone's workplace be called?

Post office

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Writing a book called "The Art of Not Giving a Fuck". Will I get into legal trouble?

The difference is subtle.

Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife.

It's cutting edge technology.

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

The worst pub I've ever been in was called "The Fiddle"..

It was a Vile Inn...

What is it called when the British compare their old coins?

A farthing contest..

My friends dad went and joined the band called hinges

and they support the doors

Why isn't toothpaste called teethpaste?

I mean, you use it to brush all your teeth and not just one tooth.

What’s a failed circumcision called

A Beheading

Whats it called when you barely pronounce a T?

Subtlety.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

A man was on his deathbed when his wife called the local priest to administer the last rites.

When the priest came, he started giving the man a sermon about the 'washing away of our sins. The priest man then told the dying man to denounce Satan. "Let the Devil know, that you hate him and his evil ways," the priest said.

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order to the ...

I just joined a gang called square root 2

Because I'm irrational

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A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.”

Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another.

And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audien...

Who called It blindness and not

See sickness.

why are they called trojan condoms?

because when they break a bunch of men come out

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess!"

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, ...

What is a group of introverts called?

An oxymoron!


please help me

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

I explained to a friend that I had a condom break, so I called the manufacturer and gave them the serial number from the condom ...

at this point he said to me, "Wait a minute!!! You're telling me that every condom has an individual serial number?"


I said, "Yes, you've never seen that? I GUESS YOU'VE NEVER HAD TO UNROLL ONE THAT FAR"


:)

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

Do you know why they called it TikTok?

Cos in just a matter of seconds it steals all your data!

The school called a woman and told her: "Your son has been telling lies"

"You're right", she replied, "I don't have any kids."

Do you think Jack can tell me what a person from Corsica is called?

Corsican

My friend called me the other day and told me he hated working at the can recycling plant

He said it was, “soda pressing”

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I called in on my doctor yesterday because I had found deep inside between my buttocks a full-stop and also a comma just below it.

He took one look, paused for a moment, and then referred me for a semi-colonoscopy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't click on a website called Best Porn Ever.

Aparently it has a viras that dissabls yur spelchek.

If a mini quiz were called a “quizzicle,” what would a mini test be called?

A quiz. Get your mind out of the gutter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taliban commander called a meeting.

-Fellow taliban fighters! Are we a great nation?!
- YEEEES!
- How come we still don’t have a nuke?!
- well... that’s a shame commander! Let’s get one!!
So they got together, built a huge rocket out of tree, emptied some space in the middle using axes, cooked some uranium-235 using old Am...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a website full of sexy images of Archduke Ferdinand. It's called...

OnlyFranz

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

I've called my dog Cadbury Research Department

He's a chocolate lab



They used to be called 'jumpolines'...

...until your mom jumped on one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

If humans doing stunts is called a circus...

Then cars doing stunts should be called a Carcuss

What's Mike Tyson's locksmith called?

Keith

I've just written a book called "Fifty Shades of Gravy"

It's very saucy

My friend called me in church and I was so embarrassed

My ringtone is highway to hell

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

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