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Achieved Jokes

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

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No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes thefollowing suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. T...

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefitted from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.

Within a year his son had completely automated the company, upgraded ...

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I have achieved immortality

I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won't die a virgin.

When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.

I turned 40.

I achieved my personal best in the 100 metres yesterday...

74 metres.

I achieved my goal of personal growth...

verified by the scale this morning.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

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Did you hear about the woman who finally achieved her life long dream of working as a dildo tester?

People said she didn't have it in her, but she does.

I have achieved the peak ramen-to-income ratio.

If I make more money, I'll eat less ramen.

And if I make any less money, I'll also eat less ramen.

I have achieved my life's goal of writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It's a play on words.

My wife just accused me of having never achieved anything in life because of my addiction to board games.

I think she must have forgotten that time I won second prize in a beauty contest. . .

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I finally achieved my dream of staring in a porn film

I was the man leaving early for work

Did you hear about the scientist that achieved absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment?

He only made it to Nearvana.

Donald Trump is the only person in the world who achieved this and made a history.

He won an argument against a woman

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

Me and my friends have achieved the level of Led Zeppelin's members in musicianship.

The drummer plays the drums like Jimmy Page, the guitarist plays the guitar like John Bonham, the bassist plays the bass like Robert Plant and I sing like John Paul Jones.

Today I finally managed a feat coveted by many but achieved by few

I got the USB in by flipping it just twice.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

The Invasion of Normandy

It was a tough morning on the Omaha beach, and the landing of the Allied troops was not going well. The beach was riddled with obstacles and mines, and the German gunfire was relentless.

Suddenly, the Allied men notice a man emerging from the waters. “I can help you”, he declares in deep voic...

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The rectum stretcher

Just as a car crosses over a bridge, a cop jumps out from behind a bush and signals the driver to the pull over. The cop walks over to the car window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The driver responds "No sir I do not, but it couldn't have been much faster than 50......

Your momma's so fat

She achieved herd immunity by herself

Greta Thunberg should really mention this sub Reddit in her next public speech

This sub has achieved almost 100% recycling rate for the jokes, perfect example of how a sustainable society should be.

A pregnant woman enters the delivery room with her husband

The doctor tells them that a new scientific breakthrough has been achieved : A way to transfer pain felt from one person to another. "This way, you can share the pain between the two of you, if you wish." The husband and wife agree.

"Great", says the doctor. "Considering men don't come close ...

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:

*"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE World"* No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:
1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no on...

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

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Mad Aussie Farmer

Old Ted, Whose wife had died many years ago, happened to convince a beautiful young lady more than half his age to marry him. He promised to care for her and make sure she was left with his farm when he passed away.

After a year of marriage, however, Old Ted was unable to bring his beautiful ...

Thanos would have made a great President.

He would have achieved social distancing in a snap.

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.

You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Roc...

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

dream

Chatting with my colleagues, my colleagues said: I once had a dream of owning a house of my own when I was 30 years old. I asked: Has your dream come true? A colleague said: half achieved. I asked curiously: how is it half? A colleague said: I am thirty years old.

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Russian jokes under communism

To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting shit into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, t...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

I was staying in a hotel last night. Before I went to bed, I phoned down to reception.

“Hi, this is room 317. Can I have a wake-up call, please?”

The receptionist replied, “Yes. You’re fat, in your 40′s and given you’re staying in such a cheap hotel probably haven’t achieved much in your life.”

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The comparisons between Trump and Hitler are a bit unfair...

...Hitler actually achieved his goals.

I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

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