Depends Jokes - 45 Hilarious Depends Jokes

JUST DEPENDS

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."

"Depends on what?" he asks.

"On my bottom -- w...

What does going down on an old woman taste like?

Depends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most of life’s questions can be answered with “Depends”

Specifically for whoever smeared shit inside the capitol

Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Door mum

Door mum who?

I've come to bargain

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

Scientists now believe that the success of the Olympics depends almost entirely on the 100m dash.

They call it the critical race theory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do we have diaper brands named "Huggies, luvs and Depends?

When a baby shits themselves we will still "Hug" and "love" them.

When an old person shits themselves it "depends" who is on the will...

My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology.

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

The spread of coronavirus within a country depends on two factors:

1) How dense the country’s population is
2) How dense the country’s population is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depend...

Someone asked President Biden, "Boxers or briefs?"

He said, "Depends."

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Depends on how clumsy you are.

*There, I've killed it. Move on /r/jokes, move on.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A veterinary student is taking an important exam, and it's come to such a point that him passing or not passing depends on the last question.

The question is "How to perform an abortion in a domestic goat?".

Unfortunately, the student doesn't know the answer and fails the exam. Afterwards he goes to a bar to drown his sorrows.

When he comes there, the bartender asks him:

- You seem to have something on your mind. How...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid is asking his father:

"Dad, can I have a bike please?"
The father look at him and answer: "Well, it depends my son."
"Depends on what?"
"Does your dick touch your ass?" The father asks.
"Hummmmm no?"
"Then you can't have a bike!"

Few years later, the same kid is now a teenager and he start asking hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father and little boy go fishing

After an hour fishing, dad cracks open a beer. Little boy looks up at his dad with wonder and asks for a sip. Dad says "Well Son, that depends. Can your dick reach your asshole?"

Little boy says "No."

Dad tells him "Some day it will. That's the day you can have a beer." And...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…

Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.

Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table d...

“Does a photon going through two slits act like a particle or a wave?”

“Well, it depends on how you look at it…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

A man runs into a bar and shouts, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?!”

The bartender says, “Depends. Less than 3 feet.”

The man cries out, “Oh my God! I just drove over a nun!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

- Dad, are mermaids fish or women?

-It depends on if you are horny or hungry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Y'all know what 80-year-old pussy tastes like?

Depends

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid ...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

Why are net fishers pro-education?

Because their success depends on schools.

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

Some asked me if 5 followers was alot

I said depends on your context to be honest you see 5 followers on Facebook is next to nothing but 5 people following you down a dark alley….

Well that’s a lot

[I apologize if this violates rules][NSFW/NSFL] how many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends on how hard you throw

Drunk man: "Is life worth living?"

well, it depends on the liver.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers but only 4 parachutes.

The pilot announced of the crash and immediately took his own parachute.
The 1st passenger, the President, said ,"I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die." He took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane.
Th...

when you visit America, what will the temperature of the water be?

It depends what state it's in

What do they call the 4th of July in nursing homes?

In Depends Day.

The Rabbi’s Final Lesson

One afternoon, a synagogue’s Senior Rabbi invited the Assistant Rabbi in for a chat.

“Nu? As you know, 53 years I’ve led this Holy Congregation. Next week, I’ll retiring. Before I move to Florida and you never hear from me again, do you have any last questions? Are there any great words of ...

How much lead is safe to eat

It depends on the velocity

What's a Grecian urn?

It depends on where he works.

Q:"Are Schrodinger joke any good?"

A: "I donno man. Depends on the observing public."

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

It depends on whether you'll see them later or in a while.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.

This joke is about perception and perspective.

It just depends how you look at it.

How many chef do you need to solve world hunger?

Depends on how you cook them

Do philosophers use diapers?

It depends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

pharmacy question...

Went into the pharmacy today and sheepishly asked the attractive lady behind the counter if they do Viagra.
"We do" she replied.
I questioned "Can I get it over the counter?"
She said "Depends how many you take".

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.