I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

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What does an 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depend...

My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology.

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. Sometimes it takes one. Sometimes it takes a Zildjian.

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A veterinary student is taking an important exam, and it's come to such a point that him passing or not passing depends on the last question.

The question is "How to perform an abortion in a domestic goat?".

Unfortunately, the student doesn't know the answer and fails the exam. Afterwards he goes to a bar to drown his sorrows.

When he comes there, the bartender asks him:

- You seem to have something on your mind. How...

My date asked if I'm a cat guy or a dog guy. I said

It depends how it's prepared.

How many lawyers does it take to tile a roof?

It depends on how thinly you slice them

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Most of life’s questions can be answered with “Depends”

Specifically for whoever smeared shit inside the capitol

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(LONG) An Elderly man and his Grandson go fishing

If you've ever been fishing, you know there's a lot of waiting. To pass the time, the Elderly man pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking. Seeing this, the boy asks "Hey grandpa! That looks super cool! Can I try?"

Not wanting the kid to start smoking, he says "well that depends... can your ...

Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Door mum

Door mum who?

I've come to bargain

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Two horny badgers

One night, two horny badgers walk into a brothel. They only had an one dollar bill to pay with. They see the clerk and ask her:

"What's in stock for us?"

"Depends. How much money do you have?"

"Only one dollar, ma'am."

"Well, with one dollar you can just go fuck yourselve...

The spread of coronavirus within a country depends on two factors:

1) How dense the country’s population is
2) How dense the country’s population is

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Ugliest man on Earth

A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him. Each time he'd look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.

"I'm sorry sir, let me buy you a drink."

The fellow accepted and then accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.

"Surely you know th...

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Why do we have diaper brands named "Huggies, luvs and Depends?

When a baby shits themselves we will still "Hug" and "love" them.


When an old person shits themselves it "depends" who is on the will...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

How many babies does it takes to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw.....

What’s the difference between a fetish and a hobby?

***Depends where you stick the ship in a bottle after you finish painting it…***

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What do a sports refree and a pornstar have in common?

Their living depends on blow job

Drunk man: "Is life worth living?"

well, it depends on the liver.

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Ladies: How can you tell the difference between being hungry and being horny?

# Depends on where you put the cucumber.



My wife can't get over this joke she heard on TicTok. She's told 10 people today. Practically forced me to post in on Reddit.

What's the Difference between pink and purple?

Depends on how hard you grip it.

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

Some girl

Some girl asked me if she was wearing too much make up.

I told her it depends on if she was trying to kill batman.

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

JUST DEPENDS

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."

"Depends on what?" he asks.

"On my bottom -- w...

I asked my doctor if I could take a bath with diarrhea

He said, "it depends on the amount"

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Choices

A man in a nursing facility turned 80. At his party, a large cake was wheeled in, and an escort popped out of the cake and said, "Hey birthday boy, would you like to have some super sex?" And the old man replied, "I guess it depends on what kind of soup."

how do you recognise a lawyer?

It depends.

How long does it take for a crow to eat a dead squirrel on the road?

It depends on the traffic


(English is not my first language so sorry for any mistake)

What color is a mirror?

It depends who you ask

Who‘s gonna win the Euro 2020 finale?

Depends on how many lasers the crowd brings

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

It depends on whether you'll see them later or in a while.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

That, however, depends on how good your aim is

A Man wonders, if he died before his wife...

A husband, seeing his wife prepare her will says, "If you died before me, I cannot imagine dating again. It would take me months or years to even begin to consider someone else. How long would you wait?"

She ponders the question and replies, "Well, honey, that depends on who shows up at the f...

How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?

Depends how big the perch is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hadn't had sex in over two years, so decided to bite the bullet and visit a prostitute..

"Err, how much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.

"Well that depends." She purred, sexily. "How much have you got?"

"About a litre and a half, I reckon."

What’s the difference between a chestnut and a walnut?

Depends on the amount of foreplay.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

What noise does a Deer make?

Depends how fast you're going.

I asked my grandma if she wore adult diapers

She said: "Well, depends."

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid ...

Where do you find reindeer ?

It depends where you left them.

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Do you know, what does "to be good in bed" means?

Well, it depends.

Before the marriage: You have endurance, you know what to do and you can bring the most desirable pleasure.

After the marriage: You don't snore, you don't fart and you don't steal the whole blanket.

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