To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

It makes sense that venice has been hit hard by the virus.

where else can you be guaranteed that they won't run out of face masks?

Max asks his best friend Oscar a question.

Max: "Hey Oscar, wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"
Oscar: "Uh ... not really."
Max: "I guarantee it's a good one."
Oscar: "Uh ... okay."
Max: "Okay. Start it."
Oscar: "Uh ... knock-knock."
Max: "Who's there?"
Oscar: ???

An overweight guy is watching TV.

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

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What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman’s sex drive?

Wedding cake.

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be some...

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I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW]

www.reddit.com

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I honestly don’t understand why the church is so against Harry Potter

Nothing guarantees you pre martial virginity more than talking about what animal you patronus would be and what your wand would be made of.

Is paying a person to kill them self

A money back guarantee?

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A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"

Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back.

The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. ...

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Only two things are guaranteed in life...

Reposts and people who bitch about reposts

I always like to go bowling on Thanksgiving.

Because I am guaranteed to get a turkey that day.

Queen Elizabeth only plays poker on the toilet.

That's because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

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A black man, mexican man and a redneck are walking down the beach one day when they stumble upon a magical lamp.

They rub it and a Genie pops out. "Thank you for freeing me from 1000 years inside! I will grant each of you ONE wish!"

The black man goes first : "I wish all black people could be returned to Africa to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many gene...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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What crappy thing is guaranteed to occur in the middle of a Saturday?

A 'turd'

What is guaranteed to get girls wet?

Water.

It's decent money, but you can't guarantee a living as a sign spinner.

They have a high turnover rate.

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I guarantee you Adam & Eve were white.

You ever try and take a rib from a black man?

What's the best way to guarantee you won't go to jail.

Become a politician.

With each new release of skyrim on differing platforms, what is guaranteed for skyrim superfans?

More solitude

Lose 20 Lbs. Guaranteed!

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.

A month later, he returns and n...

Do you know why it is that Waldo wears stripes?

He doesn't want to be spotted.

(Someone told me this joke today at work, so I guarantee it's been around, but I had to share it.)

It is 1850 in California, where a group of miners are looking for gold.

Hundreds of miners flock to a local river and reserve their spots for mining.

Some manage to secure a spot on the river before the rush, and the spots are taken instantly. Ones that slept in are too late and have to move on to the next one. Some of them will never find gold, even the.miners i...

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Read this.. It will put smile on your face * GUARANTEED *

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much a...

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

[Long]Husband takes wife to play golf.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy driv...

My toothpaste says it guarantees whiteness within two weeks..

Yet after two weeks I'm still asian

If you ever wonder what kind of music windmills like

I can guarantee you that they are huge metal fans

I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!

Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

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A black man, a Mexican, a Muslim and a hillbilly are all playing Russian Roulette together. Who is guaranteed to win?

Society.

This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a bit in a Pink Panther movie

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies,...

Decrease the odds of terrorism on a plane

The odds of a suicide bomber being on your plane are 1 in 10 million.

The odds of two random unrelated suicide bombers on the same plane are virtually impossible.

So if you want to guarantee that you won’t die from another suicide bomber on your flight then you should wear a bomb.

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What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?

Go ask your mother

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I can almost guarantee this has been posted before but I enjoyed it ...

So I'm sitting here in an internet cafe, with the biggest, ugliest and angriest bastard I've ever seen standing right behind me reading every word I ty

What spice is guaranteed to make your girlfriend walk out on you?

Bay Leaves

So a zebra dies and goes to heaven.

Upon reaching heaven the zebra is met by St. Peter who tells him, "Zebra, you have led a good life so I will allow you into heaven and as a bonus you may ask any question you can think of."
So the zebra ponders for a moment and says "ever since I've been born there is a question that has been bot...

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post t...

Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

Brewster the Rooster

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

The firs...

Try this at the bars, guaranteed 18% success rate:

You: Do you have a permit to carry that?

Her: Carry what?

You: DAT ASS! Then issue a citation with your phone # on it.

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Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.

Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold ...

What is the best joke a swordsman has ever told?

I'm not sure, but I guarantee it's not a riposte.

Donald Trump was guaranteed to become president and Muslims native to America started fleeing the country, trying to find out where to head next.

I don't know about the others. But for me, just to get away from Trump, Iran.

"You look wonderful, dear."

A man’s wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours, applying the “miracle” products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and asked, “Darling, honestly now, w...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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A new weight loss program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, heran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subs...

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Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.

Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...

A young Naval Officer has just boarded a ship that he will serve on for the next year.

He meets with the captain who gives him a tour, and tells him the way things are done on this ship. After the tour the young officer asks his captain “Sir we’re going to be on this boat for the next year, how do you guys last that long without the company of a woman?”. The captain ushers the young o...

Which space on a Battleship grid guarantees victory?

I1

I served an old man at the bar the other day.

He made me privy to a conversation he had just had with his wife. He asked her, "If I died, would you remarry?"

His wife replied, "Well...maybe, but no guarantees".

"You can't go through life lonely", he said. "I think you should. But would you live in our house together?"

"W...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

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Guaranteed to get you past a traffic ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have o...

My ex made this Facebook status about how she feels like someone is watching her...

...but I’ve been following her around all week and I can guarantee no one is stalking her.

Overhead in a country ruled by a dictator

Citizen: What happened to freedom of speech in this country?

Dictator: Freedom of speech has always been guaranteed in this country. It is freedom after speech which we can’t guarantee

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have l...

A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place

"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel

"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"

The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.

The angel had one more thing to say t...

Can someone explain this joke to me?



Shutterstock

A Man Walks Into a Bar...

he leans over and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"
The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."
The man reaches...

A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.



“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they would doubl...

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Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”

Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number. later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the...

Don`t buy Colgate whitening substance.

It guarantees whiteness within 14 days. It was been 2 weeks and I am still asian...

Pick-up line guaranteed to work every time!

Does this smell like chloroform to you??

[LONG] A few lumberjacks were realxing around a campfire after a long days work...

They had cracked open a couple of beers and were telling stories of the biggest trees they've cleared, and how easily they fell after 9 or 10 swings of their axe.

The biggest, burliest man speaks up after a few men had spoken and says, "That's nothing. I can cut down trees twice the size of t...

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Sex frog

[Long]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly l...

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A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.

"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"

"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece...

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A girl walks into a tattoo parlor and explains that she's always wanted a tattoo of her favorite country music star on the inside of her thigh...

She's really conflicted though, because she can't decide between her two favorites, Conway Twitty or George Jones.

The tattoo artist offers a solution: he would do both Conway Twitty AND George Jones, one on each thigh, for only $200 with a free money-back guarantee...if she doesn't like his...

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A very fat man wants to lose weight

A very fat man wants to lose weight. After many failed attempts, he sees an ad:

Lose weight with pleasure!! Guaranteed results!!

Three diferrent packages:
Begginer: 20 pounds in 5 days
Intermediate: 40 pounds in 3 days
Advanced: 60 pounds in only 1 day!
...

Cruel March Madness Odds

If you want a sure thing in your men’s NCAA tournament pool, you’ll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to co...

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Catch me if you can

John is pretty overweight and struggles to loose weight. He finds an add that guarantees weight loss up to 50 pounds in 3 sessions. Sceptical at first he makes an appointment.
On his first appointment he is greeted and shown to a room where the treatment will proceed. He enters the room but immed...

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He walks into a bank

# NSFW
^(sorry i forgot to flair the post)

A man walks into a bank. At the teller’s window, he deposits $5,000. When he leaves, the manager walks up to the teller, concerned.

“Where does he get all that money?” said the manager to the teller, “There’s something mighty suspicious ...

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Playing golf and sliced into a field of buttercups.

As I was ready to hit I heard a voice that said “don’t hurt any buttercups”

I asked “who are you?”

“I’m Mother Nature, if you can chip out of this field of buttercups without harming a single one, I will guarantee you have butter everyday for the rest of your life”

I responded “...

People don’t realize that vandalizing Trumps Hollywood Star is a bad thing

It guarantees him the newest and shiniest star on the walk. Art of the the Deal

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Work or Play?

Guarantee this is a repost because it still makes me laugh to this day.

A general, major, and lieutenant were arguing in the command tent while having drinks about whether sex was work or play.
General: "25% play, 75% work"
Major: "50/50"
Lietenant: "75% play, 25% work"

They g...

A new recruit was on his first day on a submarine

He speaks with an officer, who assigns him a job and says "if you dont like your job, come talk to me, and i will give you a new one.

"Why is that?" Asks the recruit.

To which to officer responds "this sub has guaranteed reposts."

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VA Governor Northam has not made a public appearance since Saturday

This is partly thanks to a tunnel system that connects his residence to his office. It is predicted that when he does resurface & sees his shadow, we are guaranteed 6 more weeks of scandals.

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A man is at a conference in Las Vegas....

...and decides to procure the services of a call girl. The hooker comes to his hotel room and they proceed to negotiate.

"What's on the menu?" the man asks.

"Well, a hand job is $500," said the hooker.

"Five hundred dollars? For a hand job?" the man exclaimed.

The hooke...

Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy?

Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.

I showed a girl my third leg. She blocked me.

I have a bad back so sometimes I use a cane.

So anyway, I found a girl I didn’t know personally and messaged her “Do you want to see my third leg? It’s hard, black, and a lot longer than you’re expecting. I guarantee it.” So she said “Hell yeah! Send it!” So I sent a picture of my cane.
...

I think my shampoo is making me fat...

...it says guaranteed to increase the Volume

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

A man sees an ad in the paper

The ad reads "Guaranteed program to help you get fit!"

The man thinks to himself "you know, I can stand to lose a few pounds" and calls the number. A man answers the phone and says "thank you for contacting us. We offer 3 plans. The first is our lightest plan and the third is our most intens...

Irish Airways

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your capt'n S Murphy O'Sullivan welcoming you to Irish Airlines! We apologise for the 4 day delay in takin' off, sadly this was unavoidable due to to the bad weather and happy hour at Ó Ceallaighs' bar.

This is flight 367 to Shannon Airport, Landi...

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