Progress Jokes - 89 Hilarious Progress Jokes

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

What is the opposite of progress?

Congress

Alabama is so progressive that

the women don't even change their last names when they get married

It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.

Tomorrow I'm going there in person to see what's really going on.

Alabama is a really progressive state...

Because when a woman gets married in Alabama she doesn't have to change her name!

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Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

Why are so many robots progressive?

Many of them have transistors.

A team of Swedes and a team of Norwegians are hired one day to put up telephone polls...

Their manager explains to them how to drive the poles into the ground, and leaves them to their work while he goes off to attend to other business. At the end of the day, he comes back to see what progress has been made. First, he sees that the Norwegian team has put up 15 poles.

"For a job w...

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

What’s the most progressive thing about Joe Biden?

His dementia

Why was the ghost progressive?

Because he had transparents.

The progressive mobster

He kills women and children also.

Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.

LG's new Bluetooth department is very progressive

Everyone there is LGBT

I am a very progressive indian

I break the stereotype that all Indians are smart

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If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

Men, if you're in a new relationship with a woman, but things aren't progressing physically, buy her a bra from the clearance rack.

At that point, it's already 50% off.

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

Even though we're progressing, we really need to get rid of certain races.

Such as the 800 meter dash.

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch

He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes.

Three days later he asks for a report.

The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement an...

Jacinda Ardern is so progressive..

..that her country are already living in the next decade!

Chess is a very progressive game...

Because if the soldier gets to the enemy's territory, his reward is getting to marry the king.

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress

(my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

We live in a progressive society.

Everyone is getting progressively stupider.

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

What do you call a progressive Ewok?

An Ewoke

Sorry, and double sorry if someone else has already thought of this. Thought if it today on my own, but figure it’s been done...

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

(Work in progress)What do you call a bunch of ravens pretending to be crows?

A conspiracy to commit murder!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Why aren't progressives worried about things getting worse?

Because they are getting progressively worse.

If you think about it, Futurama was an extremely progressive show.

Truly ahead of its time.

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Donald Trump decides to visit Mexico to see the progress of his border wall.

While out in the middle of the hot sun he notices a pond of water by a farm. Thirsty, after having drunk all the water he brought with him, he decided to kneel down and take a drink.

An older Mexican man approaches him and says “No bebas el agua, las vacas se han cagado en ella.” (Translated...

Why don't progressives go to the dentist?

Because dentists like everything straight and white.

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What did the Japanese Psychologist name his progressive rock band?

Pink Freud

Progression of the New Year's resolution:

Exercise
Exercis
Exerci
Exerc
Exer
Exe
Ex
E

What's the opposite of a progressive?

A French tank.

What do you call a progressive coffee shop?

Stay Woke

Progress is amazing. "Whites Only" is in the past

This new color safe bleach is fantastic.

In a progressively incestuous household...

...it's about upping the auntie

English version of Breaking bad in progress

It will last one season with only one episode where Walt will be diagnosed with Cancer but will get treated by NHS and wil end up living on benefits.

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

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A man has been getting progressively fatter and decides he needs to change.

He sees an advertisement that claims it'll help you lose 6 lbs in 3 days. With nothing to lose except 6 lbs he calls up the company and says hell give it a try. When he wakes up the next morning he hears a knock on the door and opens it to discover a topless brunette standing there. Smiling cheekish...

Science is progressing in leaps and bounds. In 20 years...

...we'll definitely have better smartphones.

Sometimes you have to step on people's toes if you want to progress in life.

Unless you hope to be a professional ballroom dancer.

"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "John." "John who?" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"John."

"John who?"

John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively

It's strange to see all these NASCAR fans upset with NASCAR for taking a progressive stance.

Normally they seem to like seeing things turning to the left.

Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions?

They give me the EBGBs.

I've been going to the gym for 10 years with no progress...

Apparently, you have to actually exercise while you're there to see any results.

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Still a work in progress, but original

Theres a Chinese guy and an American guy sitting outside when all of the sudden the Chinese guy looks up in the sky and says "omg Aryans!"
The American guy says " those arent Nazi's, those are aliens!"

I just started the tequila diet and I'm making great progress!

I've already lost 2 days!

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What do you call a basement full of progressives?

A whine cellar.

You know homeless people are the real progressives of this country.

Always asking for change.

What's a Christian's favourite chord progression?

G,Esus.

I used to eat a dozen doughnuts and hate myself. So I went on a diet, and I have made some real progress!

Now I hate myself after only one doughnut!

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Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

I've assigned for a 6 months gym membership and i still have'nt seen any progress!

I must go there myself and see what went wrong.

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.

A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

My little girl just said to me: Dad, how is progress possible if our growth is stunted by perpetual tribalism and xenophobia?

And I said......Wow, you're a German Shepherd, I didn't know you could do that.

What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress?

An old man had died. His funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that is your father in there."

What kind of tea is hard for democrats and progressives to swallow today?

Reality.

It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress...

having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands.

He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteri...

I appauld Amazon for being progressive on the whole "Who can use which restroom issue".

They don't care who pees in what bottle.

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

Where do file transfers get drunk?

The progress bar.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.

The second orders half a beer.

"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.

"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.

The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mo...

After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds.

Unfortunately, all that money still weighs less than a kilo.

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"

Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.

a women goes to seek out advice about her husband's hearing, as the situation seems to be getting progressively worse she's increasingly worried about him

"He'll be fine don't worry mam, he's in good hands"

assured the senator.

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks...

In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey

Hobo Ken.

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

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A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks "What are you doing?" She replies "...

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French fighter pilot.

A woman is working in the bar she owns when in walks a very handsome man. They get chatting and it turns out he is a frenchman named Piere. They get on very well. He tells her about his daring adventures as an ace fighter pilot. She is getting more and more turned on by him and, when she can stand i...

Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

An elderly woman is reminiscing:

\- Such an incredible progress in medicine! When I was younger, all the doctors were telling me to get undressed, now it's enough for me to show my tongue!

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

The Invasion of Normandy

It was a tough morning on the Omaha beach, and the landing of the Allied troops was not going well. The beach was riddled with obstacles and mines, and the German gunfire was relentless.

Suddenly, the Allied men notice a man emerging from the waters. “I can help you”, he declares in deep voic...

So, if the opposite of 'pro' is 'con'

What's the opposite of 'progress'?

You know, there was this IQ test designer suffering from the worst writer's block

He'd make decent progress, working out patterns like 'circle-3, triangle-2...' but no matter what, he always found himself going back to 'square-1'.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.

"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progre...

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Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'Wh...

Rich guy hires an immigrant handyman.

As he's leaving for work one day he says "Luigi, today please paint the porch"
Later he calls Luigi to check on his progress.
"Did you paint the porch, Luigi?"
"Yes sir, and a, I painted the a bmw too"

Good news bad news

Doctor: I’ve got good news and bad news, what would you like first?

Patient: Uuummm I’ll take the bad news first, just to get it out of the way.

Doctor: you have Dimentia, and it seems to have progressed pretty quickly.

Patient: Okay now give me the bad news, just to get it out ...

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