What’s the most progressive thing about Joe Biden?

His dementia

Progressive and Allstate decided to merge and become one company

They're now called "Prostate"

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

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Donald Trump decides to visit Mexico to see the progress of his border wall.

While out in the middle of the hot sun he notices a pond of water by a farm. Thirsty, after having drunk all the water he brought with him, he decided to kneel down and take a drink.

An older Mexican man approaches him and says “No bebas el agua, las vacas se han cagado en ella.” (Translated...

What do you call a progressive Ewok?

An Ewoke

Sorry, and double sorry if someone else has already thought of this. Thought if it today on my own, but figure it’s been done...

I used to eat a dozen doughnuts and hate myself. So I went on a diet, and I have made some real progress!

Now I hate myself after only one doughnut!

It's strange to see all these NASCAR fans upset with NASCAR for taking a progressive stance.

Normally they seem to like seeing things turning to the left.

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con'...

...what's the opposite of progress?

Chess is a very progressive game...

Because if the soldier gets to the enemy's territory, his reward is getting to marry the king.

Three guys are stranded on an island...

There's a white, black, and chinese guy that are stranded on an island together. Trying to figure out how to survive, they decide to divide up responsibilities. The white guy's job is to look for food and water. The black guy's job is to build shelter. And the chinese guy's job is to look for suppli...

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress



(my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)

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The New Owner

A rich man bought a failing factory, and decided he was going to turn it around himself.

The first day the new owner grabs the factory foreman, and tells him he’s going to get some real progress out of these lazy workers. They walk out onto the factory floor and see a young man lounging up ...

Why aren't progressives worried about things getting worse?

Because they are getting progressively worse.

What’s the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

No progress since I joined the gym 5 months ago.

I'm going down there in person tomorrow and talk to the manager.

The pain of PSG

After a tragic and devastating loss in the UCL final,the players and staff return to their hotel with heavy hearts and minds.While traveling back to the stay on the bus,even finishing check-in,none of them have the
intention to speak a word.

But then the hotel goes into a blackout;an...

The opposite of a pro is a con.

The opposite of progress is Congress.

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A man with a horrible stutter goes into a bar

Buh buh buh bartender, can I have a buh buh buh beer? The bartender nods to him and pours him a beer. A few minutes later the bartender says, hey buddy, I used to have a stutter just like that, but I found a way to get over it. Can I tell you how? Please duh, duh, do, says the stuttering man. And th...

A gynaecologist wants a change of profession.

A gynaecologist was a bit bored of his job and wanted a change of profession. He decided that he liked the idea of becoming a mechanic and applied for a position at the local garage. Sure enough he got the job and on his first day he was waiting for his first task. A car pulls up needing some work d...

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

Jacinda Ardern is so progressive..

..that her country are already living in the next decade!

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What did the Japanese Psychologist name his progressive rock band?

Pink Freud

Alabama is so progressive that

the women don't even change their last names when they get married

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

Of Mayhem from Allstate Insurance and Flow from Progressive Insurance had a baby...

They would name it Aggressive Prostate Insurance.

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

Sometimes you have to step on people's toes if you want to progress in life.

Unless you hope to be a professional ballroom dancer.

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A man has been getting progressively fatter and decides he needs to change.

He sees an advertisement that claims it'll help you lose 6 lbs in 3 days. With nothing to lose except 6 lbs he calls up the company and says hell give it a try. When he wakes up the next morning he hears a knock on the door and opens it to discover a topless brunette standing there. Smiling cheekish...

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A group of prisoners is in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he has committed.

The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder!" Everyone gives him approving look and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoi...

If you think about it, Futurama was an extremely progressive show.

Truly ahead of its time.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

My little girl just said to me: Dad, how is progress possible if our growth is stunted by perpetual tribalism and xenophobia?

And I said......Wow, you're a German Shepherd, I didn't know you could do that.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

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If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

A teacher was concerned about the progress of one of her students

Billy was in the third grade but he was still having trouble with basic maths problems. His teacher noticed this and offered to help Billy work on his maths with some 1 on 1 tutoring. She begins by asking him "Billy, if there are 3 birds in the tree and your daddy comes along and shoots one of them,...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Progressive rock bands probably hate today.

Because it's 4/4.

Two explorers discover two adjacent islands, both inhabited by indigenous tribes...

They want to be the first to contact these tribes, learn their language, and report their findings as soon as possible. To help speed things up, they decide to split up to an island each, learn the languages of each tribe, and meet back up later to discuss findings.

After a couple weeks, one ...

What do you call a progressive coffee shop?

Stay Woke

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

Asylum

It's three crazy people in a mental asylum who have to take their exams to see if they've made any progress. A doctor walks in front of them and asks the first crazy guy, "Three times four?"

He answers, "Wednesday." He moves on to the second and asks, "Three times four?" He says, "1592." The...

I've decided to combat the Coronavirυs by raising awareness.

I spent the day canvassing the street and delivering 10-minute lectures to passerbys about the importance of social isolation, especially if you're feeling sick.

I think I'm making progress. I've already spoken to 50 people today!

I'm especially proud of today's efforts because I woke ...

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

New doctor is being mentored by old doctor...

...as they make rounds visiting patients, new doctor reads the chart of one of the patients and turns really sad.

Old doc: "what's the matter?"

New doc: "Well, this young patient is about to have his leg amputated and I have no idea how to break these terrible news to him."

Old...

We live in a progressive society.

Everyone is getting progressively stupider.

Science is progressing in leaps and bounds. In 20 years...

...we'll definitely have better smartphones.

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"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?"

"Of course we will. We're Progressive."

An old lady goes to the doctor.

She mentions that no matter what, when she farts, they are always silent and don't smell.

To illustrate her point she lets one go.

Old lady: see doctor it was silent and I don't smell anything.

Doctor: I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back i...

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Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

I appauld Amazon for being progressive on the whole "Who can use which restroom issue".

They don't care who pees in what bottle.

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

I've been going to the gym for 10 years with no progress...

Apparently, you have to actually exercise while you're there to see any results.

A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse ev...

Progress is amazing. "Whites Only" is in the past

This new color safe bleach is fantastic.

What's the opposite of a progressive?

A French tank.

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

I've assigned for a 6 months gym membership and i still have'nt seen any progress!

I must go there myself and see what went wrong.

A man works at a paper company

His job was to design a new kind of paper that won't rip apart when you need a paper to last. He spent months working on his newest design, and the day his boss was supposed to come by to see his progress, he was full of hope.
His boss comes to his office, grabs the stack of paper that the man h...

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A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back ...

Why don't progressives go to the dentist?

Because dentists like everything straight and white.

In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey

Hobo Ken.

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So Johnny has a gaming system, and he liked to play a certain fighting game...

But his TV was very old, and whenever he attacked, there would be lines across the screen of the TV.

Johnny sent the TV in for repair, and was excited when he got it back. Although, still, the problem persisted.

So Johnny bought another copy of the game, thinking that the problem might...

It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress...

having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands.

He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteri...

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A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks "What are you doing?" She replies "...

What kind of tea is hard for democrats and progressives to swallow today?

Reality.

What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress?

Me

Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"

Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions?

They give me the EBGBs.

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You can't say America isn't inclusive and progressive

The Current president is a black man and latest election was between a female and a mentally handicapped person.

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

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On a sunny morning Brezhnev goes out on the balcony of his apartment

He looks to the east, and says, “Hello, sun!” The sun replies, “Good morning, dear Leonid Ilyich, the beloved leader of our glorious socialist motherland, the hope of all progressive humanity, and the guardian of peace on Earth!” In the evening, Brezhnev admires the beautiful sunset and fishes for a...

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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

English version of Breaking bad in progress

It will last one season with only one episode where Walt will be diagnosed with Cancer but will get treated by NHS and wil end up living on benefits.

I just started the tequila diet and I'm making great progress!

I've already lost 2 days!

Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

Me and a friend were in a bar...

As the night progressed, tensions were flared between us and another group of rather large gentlemen.

It got a bit heated and they eventually starting sizing us up and squaring up to us. They became extremely aggressive and wanted to fight.

My friend looked at me and said “pretend we...

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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

You know homeless people are the real progressives of this country.

Always asking for change.

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

A coffee addict goes to rehab to get clean

During group reflection they said

Group: "Steve tell us a little about your struggles"

Steve: "Well it started off as a kid, my grandpa would let me sip on a coffee with lots of cream and sugar. I knew from the moment it hit my lips, coffee was what i wanted to do with my life. By the...

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A woman goes to her doctor

"Doctor, please help me. My husband is _lazy_ in the bed, if you know what I mean"

The doctor smiles and says

"I have what you need. Science has made gigantic progress in this field."

The doctor gives her a small packet.

"Put the content of this sachet in his food and you...

I just got a socially progressive phone...

It has an LGBTQWERTY keyboard

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What do you call a basement full of progressives?

A whine cellar.

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin.

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him thr...

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