We had a party in the office yesterday. As the evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table. I remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!” She blushed and asked if I really meant it.

“Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!”

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress



(my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

Sometimes you have to step on people's toes if you want to progress in life.

Unless you hope to be a professional ballroom dancer.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

Alabama is so progressive that

the women don't even change their last names when they get married

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

Counterstrike is actually the most progressive game

Because the terrorists get equal access to weapons and stand a chance of winning

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A man has been getting progressively fatter and decides he needs to change.

He sees an advertisement that claims it'll help you lose 6 lbs in 3 days. With nothing to lose except 6 lbs he calls up the company and says hell give it a try. When he wakes up the next morning he hears a knock on the door and opens it to discover a topless brunette standing there. Smiling cheekish...

A man works at a paper company

His job was to design a new kind of paper that won't rip apart when you need a paper to last. He spent months working on his newest design, and the day his boss was supposed to come by to see his progress, he was full of hope.
His boss comes to his office, grabs the stack of paper that the man h...

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A school hired a new Spanish teacher fresh out of college.

On the teacher's first day, the principal decides to sit in her class to observe and takes a seat next to Little Johnny. As the class progresses, the teacher writes a sentence in Spanish on the board. Suddenly, she drops the chalk on the floor and bends down to pick it up. When she straightens back ...

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

If you think about it, Futurama was an extremely progressive show.

Truly ahead of its time.

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

You finish??

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a...

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.


When questioned, he said, "There's something ab...

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?

Congress

An old lady goes to the doctor.

She mentions that no matter what, when she farts, they are always silent and don't smell.

To illustrate her point she lets one go.

Old lady: see doctor it was silent and I don't smell anything.

Doctor: I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back i...

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A woman goes to her doctor

"Doctor, please help me. My husband is _lazy_ in the bed, if you know what I mean"

The doctor smiles and says

"I have what you need. Science has made gigantic progress in this field."

The doctor gives her a small packet.

"Put the content of this sachet in his food and you...

My little girl just said to me: Dad, how is progress possible if our growth is stunted by perpetual tribalism and xenophobia?

And I said......Wow, you're a German Shepherd, I didn't know you could do that.

What's a Democrat's favorite genre of EDM?

Progressive house.

The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it lo...

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

What do you call a progressive coffee shop?

Stay Woke

Bed monsters

A guy had a fear that there was a monster living under his bed, and he decided to seek professional help. During the consultation, the shrink told him his situation was unusual but not unheard of. He can be cured, but it would take at minimum 6 session at $250 each.

The guy declined citing t...

A famous French fighter pilot ace in WW1 is on a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman after the war...

After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her. Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts. He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her. After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”

He repli...

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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

A guy hires a contractor to do some work on his house

He doesn’t like the front of his house and decided he wants new columns, new everything. He selects a contractor and starts working on choosing materials. He ultimately decides on a wooden column with a rustic flair, and a slate tile under the front porch.

The contractor does the work well—h...

A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison

He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.

After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.

He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally bein...

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If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

We live in a progressive society.

Everyone is getting progressively stupider.

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

Me and a friend were in a bar...

As the night progressed, tensions were flared between us and another group of rather large gentlemen.

It got a bit heated and they eventually starting sizing us up and squaring up to us. They became extremely aggressive and wanted to fight.

My friend looked at me and said “pretend we...

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Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

“Knock Knock!” “Who’s there?”

“It’s Dave!”

“Dave who?”

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

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An old Soviet joke

Stalin invited General Zhukov into his office for a conference, and yells at him for 2 hours regarding the war's slow progress.



As Zhukov steps out of the office, he mutters under his breath, "that damn mustachioed son of bitch!"



Unfortunately, he is overheard by Stalin...

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin.

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him thr...

A teacher was concerned about the progress of one of her students

Billy was in the third grade but he was still having trouble with basic maths problems. His teacher noticed this and offered to help Billy work on his maths with some 1 on 1 tutoring. She begins by asking him "Billy, if there are 3 birds in the tree and your daddy comes along and shoots one of them,...

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

I appauld Amazon for being progressive on the whole "Who can use which restroom issue".

They don't care who pees in what bottle.

A blonde is at a magical staircase that’s 100 steps high.

At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can’t go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier.

The first joke comes and the blonde is stoi...

I've been going to the gym for 10 years with no progress...

Apparently, you have to actually exercise while you're there to see any results.

As my mother got older, her vision got worse so her optometrist prescribed her progressive lenses...

Now she can't see race.

If 'Pro' is Opposite of 'Con'...

What's the opposite of 'Progress'?

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American P. O. W

At the end of the cold war their was an American Prisoner Of War still being held at a Russian military camp, The Russian commander walks up to the American and says "Your in luck my American friend for the war has ended." I am a fair commander but you have killed several of my men, I will however g...

I've assigned for a 6 months gym membership and i still have'nt seen any progress!

I must go there myself and see what went wrong.

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

The Great War

A man invents time travel in 1915. He goes 100 years into the future and exclaims in awe

“My god, how far has the world progressed since The Great War”

“Don’t you mean World War One”

“One?”

What's the opposite of a progressive?

A French tank.

Progress is amazing. "Whites Only" is in the past

This new color safe bleach is fantastic.

In a progressive move, Mattel is making a new boyfriend for Barbie who's a homeless man from New Jersey

Hobo Ken.

A penguin driving through the desert

started to have car trouble, so he decided to drive to the nearest mechanic to get his car checked out. After he dropped his car off, he decided to walk down the block to get some ice cream, since it was a particularly hot day. Unfortunately, he was only able to devour about half of his vanilla cone...

A motherboard went on a date with a processor

- they didn't read each other's BIOS and found out out they weren't compatible so they just got drunk.

As the night progressed they tried to figure out a way to make it work. Finally the processor convinced the motherboard to come back to his place and see what would happen.

But then...

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A guy went to a therapist

Because he had constant dreams of cats playing football everyday, so the therapist asked him to eat nothing before he sleeps food might be the reason.

He came back the day after with no progression, he was still getting dreams of cats playing football.

Oh well, the therapist said, toda...

Why don't progressives go to the dentist?

Because dentists like everything straight and white.

What kind of tea is hard for democrats and progressives to swallow today?

Reality.

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You can't say America isn't inclusive and progressive

The Current president is a black man and latest election was between a female and a mentally handicapped person.

It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress...

having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands.

He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteri...

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

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Every day after dessert, Marvin and Ethel meet in their spot at the back of the nursing home and they start to kiss.

Progressively, their kissing gets more and more intense. And since Marvin is a very desirable man among the other elderly ladies, Ethel has to make their sessions interesting so he doesn’t leave her. So, every day Ethel will slide her hand down Marvin’s torso and grab his penis and she will leave he...

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A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks "What are you doing?" She replies "...

What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress?

Me

A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to go to the toilet

The cowboy gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, he smashes the floor with his foot three times. Everybody stops making noise and look at him attentively.

"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right o...

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I asked a nun friend of mine if I could kiss her ...

She said yes.

A few days later, she let me kiss her again.

The next time I saw her, I asked if I could french kiss her.

She hesitated, then said "Well, okay" so we frenched and it was amazing.

After that, I asked if I could french her again, and maybe touch her.

...

Two doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.

The first doctor says “I’m telling you, it’s spelled W-U-M-B”

The second replies, angrily “Of course it isn’t, you fool, it’s W-O-U-M-B!”

A senior nurse, with years of experience, appalled by what she’s hearing, hurries over to put a stop to the shouting match in progress.

“Doc...

Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions?

They give me the EBGBs.

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Ms. Dolores is reviewing the alphabet with her third-grade class...

One particular student, Johnny, is a troublemaker. He always looks for an opportunity to disrupt class and shock the teacher, and today is no different.

Ms. Dolores starts off with the letter "A". "OK, class, who knows a word that begins with 'A'?"

Johnny raises his hand before anyone ...

I just started the tequila diet and I'm making great progress!

I've already lost 2 days!

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Watching Childbith

The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"

"Oh, no," the man shook his head.

The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly.

As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing f...

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Her husband's libido

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 
 
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 
 
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 
 
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.  'Give him an 'Irish Viagr...

You know homeless people are the real progressives of this country.

Always asking for change.

Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"

Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

English version of Breaking bad in progress

It will last one season with only one episode where Walt will be diagnosed with Cancer but will get treated by NHS and wil end up living on benefits.

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When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

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What do you call a basement full of progressives?

A whine cellar.

Have you heard about the judge who left his job to become a public speaking instructor?

He progressed from reading sentences to entire paragraphs.

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[Long] A redneck walks into a bar and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender pours his drink and says, "Good taste. Bud is my favorite."

The redneck replies, "Bud is all I drink these days. I used to be a Coors man but that beer is worse than piss! Last time I drank Coors, I blew chunks!"

Taken back, the bartender accepts his patron's tastes and s...

Old Time Story

Old teacher walks with his students down the road.
They see a hole with a bull stuck in it and a man, trying to pull the bull out without any progress.
Teacher waves to his students and in five minutes they help the man, the bull is saved and they keep walking.
A bit later they see an...

A lot of people say I can't draw because I'm blind...

I think they're right, I see no progress.

I just got a socially progressive phone...

It has an LGBTQWERTY keyboard

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

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