I got in trouble at work for stealing a mixing implement

But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

The catholic church needs to implement some kind of Rite of Passage...

It's time to separate the men from the boys.

Why was God hesitant to implement his evolution idea?

He worried it would defeet the porpoise.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

If you elected me president, I would implement a masturbation tax...

Talk about saving the economy single-handedly.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

Why did the Soviets implement 5 year plans instead of 4 year plans?

'Cuz they were stalin'!

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Loot Boxes

Itโ€™s only a matter of time before grocery stores and fast food chains implement the Loot Box strategy for food.

Mark my words one day youโ€™ll be standing in front of a machine all like, โ€œShit this is my last dollar I really hope I get some bread. come on Bread.โ€

โ€œAhhh fuck. . . Cabbage!...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely...

..I thought, I'd call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy h...

Dad Joke

My dad - who was a chef - always referred to the cheese knife as "the lesser implement". Once I was going to ask him "Dad, what's the greater implement?" but I just stopped myself in time.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a building engineer are having a night out...

After a couple of drinks, they are having a chat about god,



The mechanical engineer starts:

"Have you noticed how brilliantly humans mechanics are designed. The joints and the drivetrain are so perfectly executed, that I think God must be a mechanical engineer."


...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Two guys meet in a bar, and over drinks, one of them turns to the other and says, "Erm, I have to confess something, I'm a masochist, I like it when people hurt me."

The other guy says, "Really? I'm a sadist, I like to hurt people, want to come
home with me?"

They get to the sadists house, and into the basement, where the walls are
lined with whips and implements for causing pain, and the masochist is
overwhelmed with joy. He takes off his shirt,...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A woman marries a lawyer

During the wedding night, she says to her husband:

- I have a confession to make. I am still a virgin.

- How is that possible? You have been married 3 more times.

- Well, my first husband was a politician. He kept describing how grand the act would be, but never actually did i...

1008 AD - A tall knight is summoned by his lord...

On the way to the lord's castle, the knight, one Sir Richard of River's Bank is surprised to see that the fields are empty, and the serfs are nowhere in sight. When he arrives, he asks his lord if the summons has anything to do with the absence of the workers in the field, and his lord replies that...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Heaven's New Rule

God was sitting with St. Peter and let him know of a new rule he wanted to implement. "If someone's last day on Earth is terrible, they get one more day."

St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates ready to enact Heaven's new rule when the first soul approached.

St. Peter said "My son,...

[Meta] Can we get length of joke flair similar to /r/TIFU

Is it possible to implement flair beside every joke that indicates the length of the jokes? /r/tifu has something to indicate this. Personally, I like reading longer jokes and I find myself skimming through and ignoring a lot of titles that begin with "What do you" "Who" "Why does a" etc. But even...

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...

The chairman of Perdue Chicken goes to the Vatican to meet the pope.

Jim Perdue, CEO of Perdue Chicken, goes to the Vatican to meet the pope. He says "Pope Francis, it is an honor to meet you. As you know, I am a devoted Catholic, and I'm bringing a generous donation today - 2 million dollars - and in return I simply ask you hear a proposal."

Pope Francis sa...

There was a Mensa convention in SF. (Grandpa's joke)

>
> Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or
> higher.
> Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

God and St. Peter have a meeting in Heaven

They're discussing and God decides that it's getting to crowded so he decides to implement a new rule. From now on in order to get in the newly deceased has to describe their last day to St Peter and if he decides it was a bad day they are admitted.

So St Peter goes back to his post at the Pe...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Conspiracy theorists on Facebook on this joyous day of days.

These guys were brainwashed by the government to cover up Lincoln's murder because Kennedy's assassin really hated marathons. Especially the ones run by Disney every year because he was a nazi and everyone knows nazis are hiding on the dark side of the moon purposely keeping weed from being legalize...

The worker at the match factory.

This guy works in a match factory on the assembly line.

One day he has an epiphany, the next day he marches up to the presidents office.

*"I figured out how to save you millions"* he says.

*"For my idea I want 1 million dollars, if you implement it and it works you have to p...

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