An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

What shows a nose is on strike?

A pick-it sign

What did Sonic say when he started a hunger strike?

Gotta go fast!

If lightning always follows the path of least resistance

Why doesn't it only strike in France?

Did you hear that everyone at the mint went on strike?

They wanted to make less money.

Polyphemus the cyclops learns his assaulter's name and yells to Poseidon to strike him down Poseidon asks why?

Polyphemus:
"He's O-dissing-us"

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

A sailor walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with another man...

The guy asks him: “So how many of the 7 seas have you sailed?”

The pirate responds “7!! There aren’t 7 seas lad, there are 26 and I’ve sailed 25”

“Oh really which seas have you sailed?”

“Well I’ve sailed
the A Sea,
the B Sea,
the C Sea,
the D Sea,
the E Sea,
th...

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

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I was on the toilet for the strike of midnight last night.

Same shit, different year I guess.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you sit on the toilet 11:59pm and the clock strikes midnight

It’s the same shit different day.

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A miner back in the 1800s finally strikes gold

Amazed by his good luck, he decides that he wants to go into town and celebrate with a prostitute.
He walks into the local tavern, goes up to the barkeep and says,
“I’m looking for the toughest whore in the Yukon!”
The barkeep looks at him and says
“We got her! Go upstairs and she’s in t...

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

I asked 50 lighting strike survivors about the impact it had on their lives...

The results were shocking.

Dentists across the country are going on strike.

Brace yourself.

If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?

The conductor.

How do Counter Strike players clean their computers?

They dedust it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation...

Before long they're arguing...

Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."

Chinese man: "For what?"

Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"

Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"

Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"

Chinese man: "Well, you...

When an eel strikes your heel and severe pain you feel...

... That's a moray.

When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike

People would routinely bring him flattened bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, ...

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I saw in the newspaper: "Serial rapist strikes again!"

Strike all you want ya cunt, you're not getting a pay rise.

How many strikes does it take to get a French baseball team out?

None. They’re already on it.

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

What's the opposite of "The Empire strikes back"?

The Emperor has a stroke.

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bartender notices one of his regulars at the bar looked depressed, so he strikes up a conversation

“What’s got you down?” the bartender asks.

“Well,” the man says sheepishly, “I got fired for having sex with my boss’s daughter.”

“You old dog,” the bartender chuckles. “I understand why he’d be upset, but i would think what you do on your personal time is none of his business. Did you...

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

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Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas!

Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!

What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter?

Shock and Awwwww

I organized a strike for my university

It's a lot harder than you think when it's an online university.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

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Did you hear about the prostitute who got fired for going on strike?

She just didn't give a fuck.

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

What do you call it when all the pieces on the Chess Board go on Strike??

A Piece-ful Protest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's official, when the clock strikes midnight

we can all legally have sex with kids from the 90s!

Doctors who are practicing homeopathy will go on strike.

It will last five seconds.

A man strikes up a conversation with another gentleman who is older he tells him its going to be his 50th wedding anniversary this week

the young man replies wow, that's amazing. tell me what's your secret.
the older gentleman replies well ill tell you, it all started back when we were on our honeymoon. we were at the grand canyon and going to take a mule ride down into the valley. we saddled up and my wife tried to get on the m...

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A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind."

The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."

I often hear of aircraft been taken out of action by bird strikes.

What I want to know is, what does their union even want?

I was gonna make a joke on Counter Strike...

..but it was Globally Offensive.

Lighting strikes an orchestra who gets hit first?

The conducter



.... I'll see myself out

2016 strikes again. The inventor of the inappropriate innuendo has died.

His family are taking it really hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks in to a pub in Ireland..

A guy walks in to a pub in Ireland, no one is there but the bartender. He decided to sit down and have a pint.

They strike up a conversation, the bartender says, “you see this bar here? It’s the nicest bar in all of Ireland. It’s 100% oak, chopped the trees down myself. It’ll be here for 100’...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

"Do Not only strike while the iron is hot, but make it hot by striking."-Oliver Cromwell

Tried this on my girlfriend, now I'm going to jail.

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I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

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A nun and a priest are playing golf.

On the first hole, the nun hits a hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I missed!" Yelles the priest. "The nun says "Do not say that or God will strike you down." On the ninth whole, the nun hits another hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I miss...

BREAKING: Professional Bowlers go on Strike.

Let's spare them our thoughts.

When my wife and I watch baseball, we play a game we like to call "kissing baseball." Whenever a pitch is thrown, I kiss her on the strikes

And she kisses me on the balls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked ...

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A tired man decides he needs to get away from it all

He quits his job, packs up his belongings, and flees to a remote region of Siberia.

After days of hiking through the cold, he stumbles upon a small tribe entirely comprised of men.

“A visitor has found our humble community!” the tribe’s leader announces. “Come, join us brother!” The wh...

When the Empire Strikes Back was being filmed, they considered getting rid of James Earl Jones and bringing in Hulk Hogan instead to be Darth Vader.

But they quickly decided not to when they realized the line "No Luke, I am your father, brother!" Was way too confusing.

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The Invisible Masturbator strikes again!

Nobody saw him coming

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A Catholic priest and an atheist are playing golf

On the first hole, the atheist hits the ball into the woods, and exclaims "Oh, for Christ's sake! I missed." The priest tells him "careful my son, God will punish you if you use such language." They finish the hole, move on to the next hole, and, this time, the atheist hits the ball into the sand. H...

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Flights can seem quicker when you strike up a conversation with someone.

So this guy decides to do so with the young girl sat next to him. "Would you like to chat? It'll make the flight seem quicker." "Ok" say the little girl, "what would you like to talk about?"
Deciding to be wicked he says "what about how there is no god, heaven or hell and we all just die and tha...

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Birhtday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to ...

Have you ever heard of the Bowling Ball Killer?

He waits till he sees a group of people standing in a perfect bowling pin formation and then that's when he strikes. Very disturbing.

(not mine, but my partner's joke)

Empire Strikes Back is still my favorite StarWars episode.

One could say it is a perfect 5/7.

I don't get how pitchers ever throw strikes

Every time I watch, they always throw balls

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Priest and nun playing golf.

A priest and a nun are playing golf. The nun, on the first course, swing and hit the ball, right in the hole at the first strike. The priest hit the ball and threw it around. "Fxxx! I've missed!" said the priest. The nun glance at him and disagrees, moving the head. On the second hole, same scene: t...

The bowling alley down the street just had its 300th strike.

They must have terrible working conditions.

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Mahatma Gandhi The Wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the British would tell you.

It's a Hindi legend. Gandhi was an Indian activist, so powerful and wise he could walk miles and miles without shoes, developing blisters on his feet. He had such a knowledge of resilience, he could even live through hunger strikes w...

When doctors go on strike ....

"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

The Women's March is organising a strike day where women won't do anything

Thank god I know how to make sandwiches

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

Little Johnny strikes again

The teacher came up to johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what seperates you from a monkey.

Johnny said with confidence "the desk".

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Strike 1 !

People always ask me about my brother who plays in the MLB but they never ask me about two of my other brothers who are both gay . which is sad . They only care about the pitcher but not the catchers.

What is Donald Trump's favorite Counter Strike map?

de_port

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On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.

Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking at the caterpillar and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this caterpillar. But I'll wait until it has eaten the bud so that I can go and fill my belly!! " and then it waits patiently for the caterpillar to eat the bud.

Watching from another branch, ...

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A man is standing in line at the pearly gates...

When he strikes up a conversation with the man next to him. ''So how did you die,'' he asks him. The man responds ''Oh I froze to death. It wasn't too bad, pretty peaceful. What about you?''

The man says ''well I was a rich man with a huge house and a nice car and I began to think my wife was...

Strike Asks Employers to Imagine "A Day Without a Woman."

I knew traffic seemed smoother than usual this morning.

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Little Johnny swears all the time

His mother is at hers wit’s end. So she went to consult with a Priest.

“My daughter, sometimes we have to strike where it hurts the most, to educate our children. Let me ask you, do you give your son a monthly allowance?”

“Yes, Father, I give him 50 bucks.”

“So, every time he u...

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A diarrhea outbreak strikes. Buddha, God, Jesus, Muhammad and Lord Krishna all get explosive diarrhea.

Holy shit!

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So, This guy is sitting at the bar, when he sees another guy sit next to a girl, strike up a conversation, and then about 15 minutes later, they leave together. He observes this happen every night, but with different women for a week...

Finally he is so curious as to what this guy's secret is, he approaches him, and says "Bro, you gotta tell me what your secret is! I've watched you walk in here, and take home a different woman every night for over a week now! What are you saying to them?"

The stranger smiles sheepishly, and ...

Where does an Afghan boy go during a drone strike?

Everywhere.

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Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer had some wolves take out a couple of his best young chickens, a pullet (young female chicken) and a cock (male chicken). He heard that his neighbor down the road had a few fine chickens for sale so he decided to walk over to see if he could strike a deal.

The farmer arrives at his n...

The Toaster leads the Kitchen Appliances on Strike. [LONG]

I looked around the kitchen in exasperation.

"We have will be heard! We have a voice! We have rights!"

"Umm, no you don't." I said to the speaker, "you're literally a wok."

"Well that may be, but we will not be abused any longer!"

A chorus of "Yeah," "You tell 'im!" and "...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk....

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not for the easily offended - one of my favorites

Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."

So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask...

I know a pair of Chinese-American Twins

One of them, Ving, is a childhood friend of mine. I'm not particularly close with his sister, Ling, but we get along.

One day, Ving tells me he wants to change his name to "Lee". He thinks it'll help him fit in more, as it's a more American name. Ling, who's proud of her heritage and traditio...

High Noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike?

Because it was extremely reactive