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Improve Jokes

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

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I got some viagra tea bags for Xmas. They don't improve your sex life.

But they stop your biscuits going soft.

I watched a video on how to improve my foreplay

It wasn't too bad once I skipped past the boring part at the beginning.

“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health.

Still got thrown off the bus.

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay techniques....

I had to fast forward through all the boring bits in the beginning though.

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First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

My wife told me to improve on my foreplay technique.

Needless to say, I went golfing straight away.

I have to admit, my wife's cooking has really improved.

That's the best slice of soup I've ever had.

Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them?

Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.

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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

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Adam and Eve...

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflecti...

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The old gunfighter is getting worried

He feels that as he is getting older he is slowing down, and some of the youngsters are getting damn good. He decides he will consult a “gunfighter trainer” to help him improve his technique and show him the latest tricks.

He goes into the bar, and walks up to the gunfighter trainer at a t...

Why do so many Kiwis move to Australia?

To improve the gene pool of both countries

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

The internet has improved equality

We used to have a very mail-dominated society.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has acc...

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It is said that sex was invented by the ancient Greeks, but it was greatly improved by the Romans.

You see, they discovered that you can have it with women too.

Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.

(OC)

One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp.

“I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish.”

The first academic ponders for a mome...

Website....We use cookies to improve performance.

Me...Same.

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

The battle between God and Satan.

An engineer dies and is accidentally sent to hell

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty p...

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

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A freshman college woman is midway through the semester...

...and at her current rate of academic performance she's going to fail one of her classes. So after class she approaches the professor, a mid 40s man, and says "professor, I'll do anything to pass this class." The professor replies "My office hours are on the syllabus, you're free to come by and tal...

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A golfing instructor has no luck teaching a young, married woman. (NSFW)

Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass.

This is beginning to affect his ability to get new clients, and he is constantly getting ribbed by colleagues.

One lesson, after angrily stamping a clump of grass back i...

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A shark was teaching his kid how to eat a human

So the shark told his kid, when you see a human make sure to turn around him one or two times and then you can attack him.
The kid asked: Why should I turn around him and not attacking directly?
The shark dad said: well, they taste better if you scare the absolute crap out of them first.

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

I didn’t think the Chiropractor would improve my posture...

... However, I stand corrected

how do people improve the railway system?

With a training.

What happened when a hurricane hit Alabama?

It caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements.

Where do tyrants shop for palace improvement products?

Home Despot

I've been trying to improve at Excel

I keep watching videos and reading tutorials, but I find I am continually regressing.

(DnD, Spoken) What do you get if a couple of monks in a row, all hold their attack action?

A delayed punchline



Works better if you say it and then just wait a minute before saying the answer, just wanted to share it here, feel free to give thougths on improvements.

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

I got A's in elementary school.

I got C's in middle school. In high school, I got D's and boy did my grades improve.

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May

Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

I asked my wife if she felt my erectile dysfunction has improved since I got on meds…

She said I’ve got room to grow.

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

Education is important

I just found out my best friend slept with his teacher to improve his grade.
I wouldn't have minded so much...if he wasn't home schooled.

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

How can you work to improve your 3D drawings into 4D drawings?

It just takes time

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

A psychologist came to an insane asylum in order to see if inmates were ready to be discharged

The psychologist brought with him a match box, he'd ask each inmate what was the thing he was holding, If they answered correctly, he would discharge them. The first inmate said a "match box", so he was discharged. The second man said "match box" so he was also discharged, so on and so on 'till cam...

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Two snakes bump into each other after a long time

After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.

The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.

After few weeks they bump into one another again.<...

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

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NSFW Since my wife's death my sex life has improved dramatically...

She takes it up the ass now.

How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency?

Reduce the number of downhill lies.

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I guess that was the "mandate"

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie - I've rewritten the military coding for letters. I would appreciate anybody suggestions or improvements here...

Anchovies
Beetlejuice
Cannibal
Deadpool
Echidna
Fallopian
Gallifrey
Hepatitis
Imp
Jabberwocky
Kippersnacks
Lynch (all CIA guys' name)
Megamind
Nala
Octuplets
Paper
Quirky
Rock
Scissors
Tarantula
Umbilical
Vaccine
Wombat
Xystarch (l...

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

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Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

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For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

During lockdown my origami skills have improved...

tenfold

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

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My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

As a young man I was told if I wanted to improve myself I should learn to embrace my mistakes.

Which is why I hug my children every day.

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

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Scientists say masturbating improves the immune system.

Use that information at your own wrist.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?

Take the Domino's sign off the roof.

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements?

He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it

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Having sex at regular intervals improves memory

Have a great 2016 guys.

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

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