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Improve Jokes

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Husband and wife are discussing ways to improve their sexual communication.

Wife says, “If you want to have sex, touch my left breast. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my right breast.”

Husband replies, “Ok. And if you want to have sex, touch my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my penis two hundred times.”

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health..

Still got thrown off the bus.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

How do I improve my ADHD?

I really want AD4K.

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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

Playing Legend of Zelda has really improved my work ethic

My boss says that I'm "Hylian Efficient."

I watched a video on how to improve my foreplay

It wasn't too bad once I skipped past the boring part at the beginning.

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I got some viagra tea bags for Xmas. They don't improve your sex life.

But they stop your biscuits going soft.

I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay techniques....

I had to fast forward through all the boring bits in the beginning though.

My wife told me to improve on my foreplay technique.

Needless to say, I went golfing straight away.

The internet has improved equality

We used to have a very mail-dominated society.

Website....We use cookies to improve performance.

Me...Same.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May

Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

I've been trying to improve at Excel

I keep watching videos and reading tutorials, but I find I am continually regressing.

how do people improve the railway system?

With a training.

How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”

Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them?

Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

I didn’t think the Chiropractor would improve my posture...

... However, I stand corrected

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback,

but completely ruined by too much.

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

Where do tyrants shop for palace improvement products?

Home Despot

What's so great about llamas doing improve?

The Spit Takes

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

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The Turks invented sex

and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.

The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americ...

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

I have a really good book on how to improve your memory.

I just can't seem to remember where I put it.

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

How can you work to improve your 3D drawings into 4D drawings?

It just takes time

How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency?

Reduce the number of downhill lies.

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

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It is said that sex was invented by the ancient Greeks, but it was greatly improved by the Romans.

You see, they discovered that you can have it with women too.

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.

My efforts were all in vin.

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Having sex at regular intervals improves memory

Have a great 2016 guys.

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements?

He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

5 Tips To Improve Your Writing

1. Contractions aren't necessary.

2. Do not overuse exclamation points!!!!!!

3. Don't be redundant, because it can be boring to read the same things over and over again, just restated.

4. Do not appear condescending to your readers. "Condescending" means to look down upon someon...

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NSFW Since my wife's death my sex life has improved dramatically...

She takes it up the ass now.

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?

Take the Domino's sign off the roof.

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

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My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

Selling an improved autocorrect?

Shut up and take my monkey.

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

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I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

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A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

-

Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

-

What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

Even if you don't notice any improvement from acupuncture,

you can't say it's pointless.

There’s a new and improved tide pod.....

I wonder if the taste changed.

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The spoon

Customer at restaurant drops a spoon. Waiter nearby immediately replaces the dropped spoon with a clean one from his breast pocket. Next time the customer sees him, the waiter has a new spoon in his breast pocket so the customer asks about the spoon.


“The owners hired a consultant some t...

What's terrible but never gets improved

The bad jokes on this subreddit

I was at my local home improvement store yesterday

And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

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An engineer goes to hell

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..." At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on thi...

I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

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An improved Game of Thrones joke

Robert Baratheon, Renly Baratheon and Stannis Baratheon go into a tavern. They order ale, but when the barkeep brings them over, they each find a fly in their cups. Robert goes into rage and smashes the cup, demanding new ale. Renly takes the fly out and laughs with the barkeep about it. Stannis rea...

I've always wanted to improve my knowledge of Greek Mythology....

It's been my achilles elbow for quite some time.

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For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

What do you call a vitamin that improves your eyesight?

Vitamin c.

— You know, that doctor actually managed to improve my memory.

— Really? That's great! What's his name?

— Umm... you know that flower, the beautiful one, with red petals, a nice smell and thorns?

— You mean a rose?

— Yes, rose, exactly, thank you! (turning to his wife) Rose, honey, what's my doctor's name?

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I guess that was the "mandate"

When I got eye contacts it really improved my social life

Now I can recognize people's faces

I love smoking weed in a home improvement store.

Best way to take your highs with your Lowe's.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

How do you get Reddit to improve their search function?

Have CNN report on how bad it is

When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

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Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.




(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

What do you call a home improvement store for tyrannical leaders?

Home Despot.

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