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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ...

and i still got thrown off the bus

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I didn’t think the Chiropractor would improve my posture...

... However, I stand corrected

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school

Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw tha...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

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My woman wanted to try new things to spice up sex.

I told her to come over and I would show her the improvement on the 69. She got pissed when I told her it's called the 68. You suck my dick and I owe you one.

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the e...

A baby key is watching his dad unlock a door…

One key see, one key do.





Please improve on this, I just came up with it.

The Chinese Premier, along with the South Korean and Indonesia President Went to See God

In 1975, Zhou Enlai, Park Chung-hee, and Suharto came before God to ask a question.

Zhou Enlai went first: "God, when will my country become prosperous?"

God replied: "30 more years".

Zhou Enlai wept because he knew he will never see it in his lifetime. Indeed, he would pass awa...

A man completely blindsided his wife of 2 years, asking her for a divorce.

Although she was shocked and heart-broken, she asked the man *why* he wanted a divorce.

**Man:** Do you remember when we first met?

**Wife:** Yes…

**Man:** Well back then I had awesome long hair, I didn’t have a car but I had a janky motorcycle that I loved, I worked in a Bar,...

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

Jesus is sitting in heaven looking glum, when St Paul says

"You've been down lately, come join me for yoga this afternoon, it'll improve your energy levels and perk you right up, Lord"



Jesus looks up, his expression remaining grim



"I'll pass, I've had bad experiences with Pilates"

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

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< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

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Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.




(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

How can you work to improve your 3D drawings into 4D drawings?

It just takes time

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch

I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.

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Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

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NSFW Since my wife's death my sex life has improved dramatically...

She takes it up the ass now.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

What do you call a pizza with no toppings?

Mushroom for improvement

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

During lockdown my origami skills have improved...

tenfold

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

The first Condom was invented by the Welsh using sheep intestines

The English improved upon the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

I’ve been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven’t noticed any improvement.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

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Scientists say masturbating improves the immune system.

Use that information at your own wrist.

Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May

Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

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Why planes don't have babies?

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '

The mother (who could...

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Having sex at regular intervals improves memory

Have a great 2016 guys.

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.

My efforts were all in vin.

Why do all math teachers wear glasses ?

Cuz it improves division

To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I guess that was the "mandate"

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

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NSFW NSFL A dude want to grow a big one

While visiting a nude sauna, man#1 notices another man with probe down to his knees. Amazed and shocked, decided to ask or advice.

How did you get it so long?
Well... you tie a 5lbs weight to it and wait a week.

In a week there is no improvement. Dude decides to tie a 5 gallon buck...

The Doctor suggested my wife and I try different lubricants to improve our relationship

I think loctite is the superior lubricant, my wife doesn’t agree but I doubt we’ll ever be separated.

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

In the time of the Holy Roman Empire

There was a chronic shortage of hay with which to feed the Army's horses. So much so that the Emperor issued a mandate that restricted its use, even going as far as cutting in half the width of all brooms.

This became standard use and over time no one questioned it. With the exception of lowl...

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

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A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

-

Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

-

What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

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Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

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For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “...

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

A guy walks into bar, orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong, Bob?" the bartender asks. "Oh nothing really," Bob replies. "I guess I'm just not myself today." "Yes," the bartender agreed. "I noticed the improvement immediately."

I wanted to impress my friends so I learned how to improve my guitar skills.

Even though I considered it as A Major task, I could only C Minor improvement.

How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency?

Reduce the number of downhill lies.

What is the different between the original steam engine and the improved one

*Watt

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

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My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

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A prostitute in Utrecht walked into a doctor's office asking for information about a breast enlargement.

When asked how she'd pay for it, she said she had insurance. The doctor was curious why it would be covered. She replied that it covers ergonomic improvements

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

As a young man I was told if I wanted to improve myself I should learn to embrace my mistakes.

Which is why I hug my children every day.

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

Did you hear about the most recent Vietnamese automobile?

It was Nguyen improved.

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Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

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(One of my dad's favourite jokes) - A mute man meets one of his mute friends

'Hello' his friend says.

The mute man is shocked, and points to indicate his friend's sudden use of speech.

'Oh yes,' the friend replies, 'I've found a fantastic doctor that helped me speak. Here, have his contact details and give him a visit'

The mute man excitedly goes to se...

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

I've been putting margarine on my cut for a week now but there's been no improvement at all.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

Ladies! Scientists have found a sure way to improve your handjobs...

Use your mouth.

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

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In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?

Take the Domino's sign off the roof.

What do you call a vitamin that improves your eyesight?

Vitamin c.

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

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I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

I think I look better without my glasses on.

A bit fuzzy, sure, but an improvement overall.

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

There’s a new and improved tide pod.....

I wonder if the taste changed.

I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements?

He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it

Even if you don't notice any improvement from acupuncture,

you can't say it's pointless.

My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face.

I wear contacts.

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

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