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My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

I didn’t think the Chiropractor would improve my posture...

... However, I stand corrected

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health.

Still got thrown off the bus.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

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Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.




(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvem...

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

I have a really good book on how to improve your memory.

I just can't seem to remember where I put it.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

The first Condom was invented by the Welsh using sheep intestines

The English improved upon the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first

How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch

I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

How can you work to improve your 3D drawings into 4D drawings?

It just takes time

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

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Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

A guy walks into bar, orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong, Bob?" the bartender asks. "Oh nothing really," Bob replies. "I guess I'm just not myself today." "Yes," the bartender agreed. "I noticed the improvement immediately."

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NSFW Since my wife's death my sex life has improved dramatically...

She takes it up the ass now.

Did you hear about the most recent Vietnamese automobile?

It was Nguyen improved.

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

I think I look better without my glasses on.

A bit fuzzy, sure, but an improvement overall.

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(One of my dad's favourite jokes) - A mute man meets one of his mute friends

'Hello' his friend says.

The mute man is shocked, and points to indicate his friend's sudden use of speech.

'Oh yes,' the friend replies, 'I've found a fantastic doctor that helped me speak. Here, have his contact details and give him a visit'

The mute man excitedly goes to se...

During lockdown my origami skills have improved...

tenfold

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

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Scientists say masturbating improves the immune system.

Use that information at your own wrist.

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

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A man wanted to become a rich and famous painter...

But he lacked the skills. So the Devil came to him and said "I will make you a world class painter, you'll be rich and famous. In exchange, I want your soul." The painter agreed, and Lucifer snapped his fingers. A set of brushes appeared, which Satan quickly possessed. After being possessed by Satan...

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie - I've rewritten the military coding for letters. I would appreciate anybody suggestions or improvements here...

Anchovies
Beetlejuice
Cannibal
Deadpool
Echidna
Fallopian
Gallifrey
Hepatitis
Imp
Jabberwocky
Kippersnacks
Lynch (all CIA guys' name)
Megamind
Nala
Octuplets
Paper
Quirky
Rock
Scissors
Tarantula
Umbilical
Vaccine
Wombat
Xystarch (l...

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore?

So far, they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

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Having sex at regular intervals improves memory

Have a great 2016 guys.

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.

My efforts were all in vin.

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May

Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

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In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I guess that was the "mandate"

Why can’t you have a 12 inch nose?

Cause then you have a foot on your face, which is an improved look for you actually.

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A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

-

Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

-

What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

You should wear glasses while you're doing math

It improves division

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

Once again, a unit of Spartans was about to be annihilated in glorious battle, and the iconic "Tonight, we dine in Hell" line was uttered.

There was much rejoicing at this promise of improvement.

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

Reposts versus retellings. (Not a joke)

I just wanted to make a quick PSA about jokes.

Jokes are meant to be retold. A good joke gets told a thousand times, and spreads like a virus. Like a virus a joke will often mutate and change as it passes from person to person, often tweaked for better performance.

Now, what is the dif...

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

Dad: I don't understand

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

R/jokes

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no,"...

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

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For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

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A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

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There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette stranded on a magic cliff.

This cliff is magical because when you jump off, you can become anything you say.

The three girls want to escape so the brunette jumps off and yells, “paper airplane!” She turns into one and flies away.

The redhead jumps off and says, “Bird!” She becomes a red bird and flies away...

The effects of COVID-19 on Trump

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany said “President Trump remains in good spirits, has mild symptoms, and has been working throughout the day.”

Who'd have guessed COVID-19 would improve Trump's work ethic?

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

A new CEO takes his seat at the helm of a large corporation

He finds three envelopes on his desk, numbered 1 to 3, and a note.

"Dear successor,
On this desk you find 3 envelopes that will help you in times of a crisis. Open them only in the order they are numbered, and only when you face a crisis that you cannot manage.
Best of luck"

...

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

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My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency?

Reduce the number of downhill lies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does masturbation improve reading?

I read that masturbation brings a remarkable improvement in lexicon, and I was absorbed by this statement devoid of reason. Everyone knows that it exacerbates me when I witness a petulant fool brandishing bombastic cultisms as banal corollaries whose ephemeral purpose is to obscure the rickety colle...

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FaceID

What does it say about you when you enable FaceID and go to put your phone in your back pocket and it unlocks??


I feel like Apple is either saying I have good looking butt or my face needs improvement.

Once a mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, sealed a few screws and everything worked perfectly.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is a third of my monthly salary!", he yelled.

Well, all the sam...

As a young man I was told if I wanted to improve myself I should learn to embrace my mistakes.

Which is why I hug my children every day.

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

The test

Students in a design school were doing the final test. The assingment was to design some piece of furniture. They started. Someone was designing a couch, someone a bed, but one student was drawing a bunch of dolls in a strait line. The proffesor was surprised and he asked the student if he knew what...

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A friend of mine realized that he had to give up coke, drinking and fucking dirty hookers every day

During this time of abstinence, his physical health improved a lot. He put on some healthy weight and even some muscles. However, mentally he got really depressed, a total wreck. He was especially sad over his new sex life.

Long story short, now he's back at it again; drinking, taking cocaine...

I've been putting margarine on my cut for a week now but there's been no improvement at all.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

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Vacation Blues

I had returned from my vacation trip to China during which I spent an evening with a most interesting young lady.
One morning about a week later I felt the most excruciating pain coming from my penis.

Upon inspection I discovered to my horror that my penis had turned blue and green.
...

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

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I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?

Take the Domino's sign off the roof.

What do you call a vitamin that improves your eyesight?

Vitamin c.

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Basil worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some...

BREAKING NEWS! A hurricane has just hit New Jersey...

It has inflicted about $25,000 worth of improvement.

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

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A man suffered from excruciating headaches for years.

He saw doctor after doctor, and tried many different medications and treatments without success. At long last he found a specialist who discovered the cause of his problem. The doctor informed the man that his pain was being caused by a rare condition in which his testicles were pushing into the bas...

I just got fired from the post office

My supervisor took me into his office and we actually had a really good conversation. He told me that I wasn't meeting expectations in my current position, and that they didn't have any other jobs open at the moment. I said that I could see where he was coming from, and that I had no hard feelings. ...

When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

Even if you don't notice any improvement from acupuncture,

you can't say it's pointless.

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

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