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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ...

and i still got thrown off the bus

My friends are concerned I'm spending all my free time studying esoteric, difficult philosophy, unable to either improve or leave it behind.

I'm Locke into Confucious Nietzsche Hobbes, in a Plato but can't Descartes it.

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My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

I didn’t think the Chiropractor would improve my posture...

... However, I stand corrected

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the e...

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

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Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.




(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

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Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

What do you call a pizza with no toppings?

Mushroom for improvement

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

I’ve been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven’t noticed any improvement.

My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch

I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

How can you work to improve your 3D drawings into 4D drawings?

It just takes time

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

The first Condom was invented by the Welsh using sheep intestines

The English improved upon the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first

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Why planes don't have babies?

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '

The mother (who could...

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NSFW Since my wife's death my sex life has improved dramatically...

She takes it up the ass now.

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

Why do all math teachers wear glasses ?

Cuz it improves division

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

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NSFW NSFL A dude want to grow a big one

While visiting a nude sauna, man#1 notices another man with probe down to his knees. Amazed and shocked, decided to ask or advice.

How did you get it so long?
Well... you tie a 5lbs weight to it and wait a week.

In a week there is no improvement. Dude decides to tie a 5 gallon buck...

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

In the time of the Holy Roman Empire

There was a chronic shortage of hay with which to feed the Army's horses. So much so that the Emperor issued a mandate that restricted its use, even going as far as cutting in half the width of all brooms.

This became standard use and over time no one questioned it. With the exception of lowl...

During lockdown my origami skills have improved...

tenfold

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

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Scientists say masturbating improves the immune system.

Use that information at your own wrist.

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Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie - I've rewritten the military coding for letters. I would appreciate anybody suggestions or improvements here...

Anchovies
Beetlejuice
Cannibal
Deadpool
Echidna
Fallopian
Gallifrey
Hepatitis
Imp
Jabberwocky
Kippersnacks
Lynch (all CIA guys' name)
Megamind
Nala
Octuplets
Paper
Quirky
Rock
Scissors
Tarantula
Umbilical
Vaccine
Wombat
Xystarch (l...

A guy walks into bar, orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong, Bob?" the bartender asks. "Oh nothing really," Bob replies. "I guess I'm just not myself today." "Yes," the bartender agreed. "I noticed the improvement immediately."

Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May

Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

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Having sex at regular intervals improves memory

Have a great 2016 guys.

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.

My efforts were all in vin.

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A prostitute in Utrecht walked into a doctor's office asking for information about a breast enlargement.

When asked how she'd pay for it, she said she had insurance. The doctor was curious why it would be covered. She replied that it covers ergonomic improvements

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “...

To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I guess that was the "mandate"

Did you hear about the most recent Vietnamese automobile?

It was Nguyen improved.

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(One of my dad's favourite jokes) - A mute man meets one of his mute friends

'Hello' his friend says.

The mute man is shocked, and points to indicate his friend's sudden use of speech.

'Oh yes,' the friend replies, 'I've found a fantastic doctor that helped me speak. Here, have his contact details and give him a visit'

The mute man excitedly goes to se...

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A man wanted to become a rich and famous painter...

But he lacked the skills. So the Devil came to him and said "I will make you a world class painter, you'll be rich and famous. In exchange, I want your soul." The painter agreed, and Lucifer snapped his fingers. A set of brushes appeared, which Satan quickly possessed. After being possessed by Satan...

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Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

I think I look better without my glasses on.

A bit fuzzy, sure, but an improvement overall.

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

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A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

-

Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

-

What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

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In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

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For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore?

So far, they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.

What is the different between the original steam engine and the improved one

*Watt

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency?

Reduce the number of downhill lies.

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

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My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

Why can’t you have a 12 inch nose?

Cause then you have a foot on your face, which is an improved look for you actually.

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

As a young man I was told if I wanted to improve myself I should learn to embrace my mistakes.

Which is why I hug my children every day.

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

Once again, a unit of Spartans was about to be annihilated in glorious battle, and the iconic "Tonight, we dine in Hell" line was uttered.

There was much rejoicing at this promise of improvement.

I've been putting margarine on my cut for a week now but there's been no improvement at all.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

Reposts versus retellings. (Not a joke)

I just wanted to make a quick PSA about jokes.

Jokes are meant to be retold. A good joke gets told a thousand times, and spreads like a virus. Like a virus a joke will often mutate and change as it passes from person to person, often tweaked for better performance.

Now, what is the dif...

Ladies! Scientists have found a sure way to improve your handjobs...

Use your mouth.

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?

Take the Domino's sign off the roof.

What do you call a vitamin that improves your eyesight?

Vitamin c.

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

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I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

R/jokes

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no,"...

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

There’s a new and improved tide pod.....

I wonder if the taste changed.

When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

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A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

Dad: I don't understand

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

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