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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health.

Still got thrown off the bus.

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"...

How can you work to improve your 3D drawings into 4D drawings?

It just takes time

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

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NSFW Since my wife's death my sex life has improved dramatically...

She takes it up the ass now.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

During lockdown my origami skills have improved...

tenfold

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

My eyesight has improved over the past few years

But I really wished I had 20/20 vision a few years back

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

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Scientists say masturbating improves the immune system.

Use that information at your own wrist.

A man asked his friend "how did your mother died?"

"She fell off the roof and destroyed the balcony" his friend replied.

"Oh then she died?" asked the man.

"No, then she fell on the garage and destroyed it." his friend responded.

"Ah! Then she died?" the man asked again.

"No! Then she fell on the car and destroyed it"
...

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There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette stranded on a magic cliff.

This cliff is magical because when you jump off, you can become anything you say.

The three girls want to escape so the brunette jumps off and yells, “paper airplane!” She turns into one and flies away.

The redhead jumps off and says, “Bird!” She becomes a red bird and flies away...

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My marriage counselor told me that to improve my marriage, I have to show my love to my wife

I was a bit skeptical, but made a date with my love and showed her to my wife.

I've just woken up from a coma with five broken bones.

I’m going to sue that incompetent son of a bitch!

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

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A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.

My efforts were all in vin.

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

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Having sex at regular intervals improves memory

Have a great 2016 guys.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

Once a mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, sealed a few screws and everything worked perfectly.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is a third of my monthly salary!", he yelled.

Well, all the sam...

English is to become the official language of the EU

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I guess that was the "mandate"

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

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A man suffered from excruciating headaches for years.

He saw doctor after doctor, and tried many different medications and treatments without success. At long last he found a specialist who discovered the cause of his problem. The doctor informed the man that his pain was being caused by a rare condition in which his testicles were pushing into the bas...

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

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A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

-

Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

-

What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

The test

Students in a design school were doing the final test. The assingment was to design some piece of furniture. They started. Someone was designing a couch, someone a bed, but one student was drawing a bunch of dolls in a strait line. The proffesor was surprised and he asked the student if he knew what...

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

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My wife loves me so much...

...when my doctor told her that more frequent sex would improve my health, she killed herself.

My teacher said I could be a doctor when I grew up!

She still wants me to improve my handwriting though

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

I just got fired from the post office

My supervisor took me into his office and we actually had a really good conversation. He told me that I wasn't meeting expectations in my current position, and that they didn't have any other jobs open at the moment. I said that I could see where he was coming from, and that I had no hard feelings. ...

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...
...

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What caused Tipper Gore to have a sudden sexual awakening?

Improvements were made in the Al Gore Rhythm.

Damn politicians

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning t...

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

Why Engineers go to Heaven

An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell.  Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.

God looked...

My girlfriend just called me up and told me that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May

Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

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For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

Why did the psychic enjoy reading their book in the snow?

To improve their cold reading.

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

The Welsh invented the condom using sheep's guts

But the English improved upon the idea by taking them out of the sheep

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

What do you call it when a white guy is dancing and has a seizure?

An improvement.

A man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates.

When he gets there, he is perplexed and confused to see everyone aggressively whipping eggs, and mixing flour and batter.


He looks around and finds an entire section specially reserved for decoration, with elaborate arrangements of strawberries, frosting and tiering that would have done...

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

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There’s an unusual hospital

where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.

For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want ...

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

I read that the Welsh invented the condom in the Middle Ages by using a piece of sheep’s intestine.

The English later improved the design by taking it out of the sheep first.

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My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Sa...

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

As a young man I was told if I wanted to improve myself I should learn to embrace my mistakes.

Which is why I hug my children every day.

I've been putting margarine on my cut for a week now but there's been no improvement at all.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency?

Reduce the number of downhill lies.

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

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Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

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I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

Even if you don't notice any improvement from acupuncture,

you can't say it's pointless.

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Two Japanese men are driving at night.

To improve their English, they choose to speak in English for the duration of their drive. Not only must they get used to English, they must get used to the differences in the car compared to cars in Japan.

As they set off in the pitch dark road in the backwoods, one of them immediately spea...

A golfer is involved in a terrible car crash and is rushed to the hospital

Just before he is put under, the surgeon pops in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing days are over !!! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The g...

What do you call a vitamin that improves your eyesight?

Vitamin c.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?

Take the Domino's sign off the roof.

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

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If you are ever

If you are ever lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house.


"Well I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament".



Classic Mitch Hedberg

When I was younger, I had a tough time concentrating in school

My parents told me that if I didn't improve, they would have to send me to Concentration Camp

A teacher asked her kids...

a polite way to say I need to use the bathroom on a date. The first child said “I need to use the bathroom.” To which the teacher replied “That could be better,” The second kid spoke and said, “Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.” The teacher said that was better but could still be improved. John...

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

When I got eye contacts it really improved my social life

Now I can recognize people's faces

My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face.

I wear contacts.

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

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