UPJOKE
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I have to admit, my wife's cooking has really improved.

That's the best slice of soup I've ever had.

Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them?

Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

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It is said that sex was invented by the ancient Greeks, but it was greatly improved by the Romans.

You see, they discovered that you can have it with women too.

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

Website....We use cookies to improve performance.

Me...Same.

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling migh...

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Two snakes bump into each other after a long time

After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.

The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.

After few weeks they bump into one another again.<...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

Where do tyrants shop for palace improvement products?

Home Despot

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health.

Still got thrown off the bus.

how do people improve the railway system?

With a training.

I've been trying to improve at Excel

I keep watching videos and reading tutorials, but I find I am continually regressing.

I didn’t think the Chiropractor would improve my posture...

... However, I stand corrected

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

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Adam and Eve in the garden..

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflec...

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Peaches

A man goes to the patent office and tells the clerk that he would like to patent a powder which you sprinkle on your wife's vagina which makes it taste like peaches.

"Get out of here.", the clerk says, "I can't patent anything like that." The man glumly leaves the office.

However, he i...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

A man went into a music shop

A man went into a music shop looking for a new instrument.

The owner introduced him to a lot of different instruments: flutes, trumpets, drums and guitars but none of them caught the man's interest.

The man nearly gives up when he spots a saxophone hanging in the corner. He tries it an...

Just had a Palm reader read my hand today.

She said she wanted a second edition! Apparently the message was to heavy handed, to improve she said I should wash my hands of any unnecessary plot lines.

After rewatching Doctor Strange use the Eye of Agamotto

I thought that it would be a good idea to list other lesser known, possibly not as powerful, Eye Relics for those who may not know of their existence.

The Eye of Hellomoto: Helps improve Motorola phone reception.

The Eye of Pickamoco: Aids in clearing the nasal cavity of any sorcerer...

I asked my wife if she felt my erectile dysfunction has improved since I got on meds…

She said I’ve got room to grow.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs...

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An American goes to Ireland (long) NSFW

An American man goes to Ireland and goes to an Irish pub. As he starts drinking more and more, he has to release the valve and goes to the restroom. The urinals were occupied, so the man opens a stall. When he opens a stall he sees a little man in green suit. The little man in the green suit says, '...

Why do billionaires race to space?

Cause the bubble they live in is so limiting.
They'd prefer to exist in a vacuum.

(Note: I made this joke up. Help me improve it and share your funny alternative answers in comments :))

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

Greek vs. Italian

Two old men are arguing about the history and the splendors of Athens and Rome.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek...

A car gets stopped on the road

In a few seconds, the car is surrounded by cameras and journalists and a reporter tells the driver:

"Congratulations , you're the 10 000 000 car on this road, you're getting 10 000 000 €!! What will you do with that money?"

The male driver thinks for a moment, then replies: "Well, firs...

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My Ex-wife Wanted a b00b Job.

In an effort to save money, I told her that taking a few sheets of toilet tissue and rubbing it between her boobs twice a day would make her boobs grow. So my ex did this diligently for 3 months. Finally, after seeing no improvement, she came to me with a look of disappointment on her face. She aske...

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I'm just not myself today :(

A guy walks into bar, orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh. "What's wrong, Bob?" the bartender asks. "Oh nothing really," Bob replies. "I guess I'm just not myself today." "Yes," the bartender agreed. "I noticed the improvement immediately."

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

A man stormed into the Doctor's office

A man stormed into the doctor’s office full of excitement. He grabbed the doctor’s hand and pumping it furiously, exclaimed “Doc, I just want to thank you and tell you how your treatments have improved my life! The bold way that incorporate new scientific breakthroughs with traditional holistic has ...

How can you work to improve your 3D drawings into 4D drawings?

It just takes time

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A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

What's so great about llamas doing improve?

The Spit Takes

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May

Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

I’m quite bad at archery

But I aim to improve

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

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There’s an unusual hospital

Where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them. For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word Shorty tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything ...

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

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NSFW Since my wife's death my sex life has improved dramatically...

She takes it up the ass now.

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

I put horns on my laptop

to improve it's RAM capability

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.

My efforts were all in vin.

During lockdown my origami skills have improved...

tenfold

To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I guess that was the "mandate"

The Christmas Elf

A Christmas elf walks into a bar and orders an eggnog. "What brings you to town?" the bartender asks. "I'm taking music classes at the community college. Santa requires it of all the Christmas elves now," the elf says. "It's supposed to improve our rapping skills."

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

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Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.




(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

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Second opinion

A man was walking into the therapist‘s office and sat down. „What’s your problem?“, asked the therapist. The man answered: „Well I have massive struggles to find a girlfriend and I don’t know why“. He looked the man deep in the eyes and said with a very meaningful face: „Well it’s because you’re ugl...

How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency?

Reduce the number of downhill lies.

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

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For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

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Scientists say masturbating improves the immune system.

Use that information at your own wrist.

Here's an old one.

I cant remember where I got this one from but here it is.

This man wants to reconnect with nature and disconnect from society for awhile. So he drives to his uncle's cabin in the woods. The uncle has no electricity, no phone or internet. The man thinks it's the perfect get away.
The firs...

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

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Having sex at regular intervals improves memory

Have a great 2016 guys.

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My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

I Used to Miss My Wife

Then my aim improved.

As a young man I was told if I wanted to improve myself I should learn to embrace my mistakes.

Which is why I hug my children every day.

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

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A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

-

Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

-

What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

I always put my glasses on when doing Math homework.

It improves division

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Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

I wanted to impress my friends so I learned how to improve my guitar skills.

Even though I considered it as A Major task, I could only C Minor improvement.

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

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My woman wanted to try new things to spice up sex.

I told her to come over and I would show her the improvement on the 69. She got pissed when I told her it's called the 68. You suck my dick and I owe you one.

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?

Take the Domino's sign off the roof.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

I've been putting margarine on my cut for a week now but there's been no improvement at all.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

What is the different between the original steam engine and the improved one

*Watt

Stuttering Sam the S-S-S-Salesman

Three guys, Adam, Barry and Sam, got hired by Mike the Manager to sell bibles door-to-door. First day of work, they had a quick meeting with Mike and they were each given a separate area of the city that they were to try to sell their bibles. They were to go out, use their best judgment as to the lo...

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I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

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