UPJOKE
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Y'all Jokes

Y'all know what the best part of this quarantine is?

Several months of no school shootings.

Did y'all hear about the group of hipsters who drowned at the pond?

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool

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NSFW Y'all know what 80-year-old pussy tastes like?

Depends

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

Y'all know what amazes me the most? A thermosbottle.

In the summer, if you pour a cold drink into it, it keeps it cold. In winter, if you pour hot tea it keeps it warm.



Like, how the hell does the bottle know, when it's summer and when it's winter?

Hope y'all like!

A guy walks up to a girl and says "Hey baby, I'm a pescatarian."

She says "that's the worst pickup line I've ever heard."

So he says "whatever, there's plenty of fish in the sea."

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on..

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Y'all hear the joke about the broken pencil?

Eh, it's pointless

Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.

Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.

It's cake and y'all know the rules!

Have y'all heard about the movie, Constipation?

It never came out

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

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I don't know why y'all think Jesus Christ is coming back.

They didn't nail him to a fucking boomerang.

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

Did y'all hear about the purple stegosaurus?

He stuck out like a dinosaur thumb!

A good math joke for y'all

How do mathematicians scold their children?

"If I've told this to you x times, I've told you (x+1) times..."

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

Y'all ever heard of reverse exorcism?

It's when the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body

Cannot wait to become a proud American!

I'm not immigrating or anything, I'm just not proud to be American.

This joke MIGHT fly over some of y'alls heads.

I asked my pet cat what's two minus two. He said nothing.

A dark one for y'all

"Mommy, Mommy, why do I always go 'round in
circles?"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

Have y'all heard the joke about the boomerang?

I forgot the punchline, but it'll come back to me.

Y'all ready for a dark joke?

Nevermind you won't see it coming

Did y'all hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way, but his legacy will become a pizza history. I'm sending olive my thought and prayers to his family. How sad that he ran out of thyme, here today gone tomato, we cannoli do so much. I never sausage a tragedy.

Y'all should try this

If you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth – just like a garbage bin.🤭

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Y'all hear about them lemon Jews?

They're very hasidic.

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

Y'all probably know this one

A skeleton walks into a bar, order a beer and a mop

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Where y'all from?

Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.

One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.

The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.

Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"

Girl from Connecti...

Have y'all heard about this new app that lets you see ghosts?

It's called Tinder

Y'all heard about that currencies had a competition?

The Korean Won.

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

Y'all wanna hear a joke about a Macguffin?

Wait, I gotta find it first

Did y'all hear about...

Did y'all hear about the guys that broke into the police headquarters last week?

No? Well they stole all the toilets. The cops have no leads and nothing to go on.

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What's the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck tale?

Fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...", while redneck tales begin with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

I hope y'all have a beautiful morning

wood

Since y'all liked the monk joke, I modified a joke told by my high school math teacher.

Once there was a king and he attended that monk's temple. One day the monk was late. The king asked him why he was late. And he replied that he had to help his wife with an errand.

"You are so revered monk and yet, you fear your wife!", the king exclaimed.
" Well, everyone fears his wife",...

Did y'all here about the Colombian Hank Hill?

He sells cocaine and cocaine accessories.

Did y'all hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?

He just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary...

Willow Smith to her friends: "Sorry girls, I can't get jiggy with y'all tonight. My dad said,

'Na na na na nana na'".

Did y'all hear about the accident during the Kowloon Percussion Festival?

There was a tamtam ensemble that was playing a piece, and one of the instruments fell off its stand and rolled into the crowd, injuring a few people.

Headlines were "Hong Kong Gong Song Gone Wrong"

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.

Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his b...

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Did y'all hear about that cop that got caught smoking weed and masturbating in his patrol car?

Apparently he was a high wanking officer.

Y'all probably will hate me for this. Spoiler alert for Frozen II.

In the first movie Anna was Frozen

Now in the second movie Elsa is frozen too (Frozen 2)

I'm sorry I shall take my leave

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What did your husband get YOU?

Three southern belles stood together gossiping. The topic of discussion were gifts from their husbands. Here's how it went.

Pointing at a house on top of a hill, the first southern belle boasts, "Y'all ain't never seen a house like that. My husband built me that there house!" The second south...

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

3 logicians walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Do y'all want a beer?"

The first says "I don't know."

The second says "I don't know."

The third says "Yes."

Y'all hear about after all the commotion over the robinhood stock trading app decided to change its name.

From robinhood to HOODWINKED

Y'all heard about the state gourd of Alabama?

The pump-kin...

Did y'all hear about the wine Uber started making?

It's kinda like a cab but not quite.

This joke is better performed than written but I think y'all will enjoy it

How do you play catch with a kid with no arms or legs?

[Grunt and pretend you're trying to heave something heavy]

Did y'all hear the one about the tortilla song?

Don't have source, but now that I think about it, it may have been a rap

Police officers have been playing Pokemon Go a lot longer than the rest y'all have...

'Gotta catch Jamal'

I was going to tell y'all a joke about time-travel

But none of you liked it.

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Y'all ever hear the one about the recently married Amish couple? NSFW

After a wonderful ceremony, the Amish groom and his new wife hopped into their buggy and started down the road...

After a little while the couple come upon a cattle farm. They see a bull mounting a cow proceeding to fuck. The wife looks to her husband and says, "Honey, what are those cows doi...

"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinson's."

"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."

"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted.

"I can assure you they are very goo...

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A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas.

Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know penguins scream during sex?

Maybe not all of them?
But definitely the one I cornered at the zoo.

Have y'all heard of the cow that produces milk that taste like that stuff of myths?

It's legen-dairy

Y'all heard about the white shirt wearing thief, who got away with a whole lot of iron and chromium, all without dirtying his clothes?

... It was a stainless steal...




Yes, I'll see myself out... Bye!

Have y'all heard that new hot rapper with Muscular Dystrophy?

"TWO CAAAAAAAAAAAAANES!"

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