I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

A blond man.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone.

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" Asked the doctor.

"No. This is her husband."

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

My friend asked me to stop using contractions...

I can't and I won't.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Program for a mobile device. 3 letters

Wife: App

Husband: Common Jewish surname, 5 letters

Wife: Stein

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Male poss...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Involuntary muscle contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscle Contraction” to his first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do ...

A guy calls 911 in a panic

"My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!" He said

"Calm down" the 911 operator said. "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot!" The guy shouts in anger. "This is her husband!"

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to have contractions! I need you to drive to the hospital!”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right, I’m here, what do you want me to do now?!”

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

A woman shouts to her husband "Im having contractions!"

Her husband walks over to her and hands her a bag of apostrophes. The woman, relieved, says "thanks, I'm feeling much better now."

A man rushes his wife to hospital

As she finally lies down on a bed, she starts yelling "Don't! Shouldn't! Can't! Isn't!"

The man asks the doctor, "What's going on? She's speaking incoherently! Is this normal?"

The doctor nods unconcernedly. "Oh yes, it's perfectly normal," he says, "she's just having contractions."

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

Did you hear about the pregnant woman who went into labor and started shouting, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"?

She was having contractions.

What is Snoop's favorite contraction?

We'd

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Loving Wife

A couple years ago I met the love of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, and compliments all of my weaknesses with her strengths. Recently, she became pregnant and I could not be more filled with joy. We found out we were having a boy, which was the perfect icing on the cake. Now there will be so...

The pain transformer

A pregnant couple arrived to the hospital after the woman started to feel contractions.

Seeing the woman's pain, the doctor offered a new treatment: A pain transformer which after applying it, the pain will pass (some percentage of it) to the father.

The father, who wanted best for his...

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

.A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a d...

My wife was in labor with our daughter

My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting
"Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing, she is just having contractions."

A pregnant woman visits the doctor...

A nine-month pregnant woman goes to the doctor for her check-up. The doctor asks her how she feels.

"I am doing fine doctor, just waiting on my little bundle of joy. How much longer must I wait?"

"You're not ready yet. Come see me in two days and we'll see where you are."

Two d...

A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

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