This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professor, giving a lecture on involuntary muscle contractions, pointed to a gorgeous young woman and asked: “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She answered, “Probably out drinking with his mates.”

Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Nurse: “Is this her first child?”

Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!”

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

My friend asked me to stop using contractions...

I can't and I won't.

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He missed a colon, she missed a period, and they both hated contractions.

What do you call it when a very pregnant woman starts using fake words like “did’ve?”

A Braxton Hicks contraction

My wife screamed in pain during labour

I asked, “What’s wrong?”.

She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”

“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

I called the hospital and pleaded, "Doctor! She's going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?" "Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're ...

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, “Oh god! The triplets are coming!”

“One and a two and a three and a!”

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A woman shouts to her husband "Im having contractions!"

Her husband walks over to her and hands her a bag of apostrophes. The woman, relieved, says "thanks, I'm feeling much better now."

What is Snoop's favorite contraction?

We'd

Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labor and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital. Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax...

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

A guy calls 911 in a panic

"My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!" He said

"Calm down" the 911 operator said. "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot!" The guy shouts in anger. "This is her husband!"

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Loving Wife

A couple years ago I met the love of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, and compliments all of my weaknesses with her strengths. Recently, she became pregnant and I could not be more filled with joy. We found out we were having a boy, which was the perfect icing on the cake. Now there will be so...

A man rushes his wife to hospital

As she finally lies down on a bed, she starts yelling "Don't! Shouldn't! Can't! Isn't!"

The man asks the doctor, "What's going on? She's speaking incoherently! Is this normal?"

The doctor nods unconcernedly. "Oh yes, it's perfectly normal," he says, "she's just having contractions."

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