My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Nurse: “Is this her first child?”

Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Involuntary Muscular Contractions"





A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"to his first year medical students.Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.



He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ...

My wife said, “I’m getting sick of you overusing contractions.”

Me: It’s what it’s.

Friend: Contractions are overused.

Me: That they’re.

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

I just realized that never is a contraction of 'not ever'.

And blush is a contraction of 'blood rush'.
And studying is a contraction of 'student dying'.

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

Wife is pregnant, due any day.

Suddenly the contractions Start.



"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.

Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"

My friend asked me to stop using contractions...

I can't and I won't.

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?!" He asked, "Is this her first child?"

"No! This is her husband!"

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

What does a muscle contraction cost?

80p

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

What is Snoop's favorite contraction?

We'd

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to have contractions! I need you to drive to the hospital!”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right, I’m here, what do you want me to do now?!”

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, “Oh god! The triplets are coming!”

“One and a two and a three and a!”

Why did the strict grammar teachers break up?

He forgot to use a colon, she missed a period, they both hated contractions, and when they think of their future life, it's only a parent they see.

What do you call it when a very pregnant woman starts using fake words like “did’ve?”

A Braxton Hicks contraction

A man is at his wife's bedside during her first pregnancy, when she starts shouting at him.

"I've! Shouldn't! You're! Can't!"

The man gets worried, and starts asking the nurse what's happening.

The nurse pats his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, this is normal. She's just having contractions."

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