Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

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A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

A plane was traveling across the Atlantic...

...when there was an explosion from one of the engines.

Pilot: "I'm afraid we're all gonna crash and die because it's just too heavy to keep it in the air."

Despite throwing all unnecessary items from the plane, it still descended rapidly.

Suddenly, a Frenchman stood up and shou...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

My wife and I were walking home from dinner when we came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law.

My wife asked, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "No, 6 should be enough."

Two people are walking across a field when one of then spots a hole in the ground.

P1: Look out for that hole!

P2: what hoooooooooooooooooo...

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

Women are lean at marriage, making it easier to carry them across treshold.

Then we get heavier so men can't get us out of the house. xD

Somebody told me there's an invasive species of giant frogs destroying local populations all across North America...

... What a bunch of bull.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?...

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars...

Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wron...

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.

'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored t...

Coroner: "i came across my exe wife at the morgue last night."

Doctor: "was it hard to take?"

Coroner: "not really, I'm used to her ignoring me."

A man is driving across town with his dog.

He sees a traffic light and begins to stop.

The dog says, "Why are you slowing down, the light's gray?"

Three people, a Welshman, a Scotsman and an Englishman, are walking along together when they come across a genie.

The genie offers them three wishes.

The Scotsman goes first, saying, “I want a wall across the Scottish/English border to stop the English from coming into my beautiful country!”

The genie grants his wish and the Scotsman disappears.

The Englishman goes next, saying, “I want a w...

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

I recently came across Shakespeare's chewed pencil...

It's so chewed, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

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A man is going on a walk through the woods and stumbles across a glowing lamp, and out comes a genie who him grants 3 wishes.

The man says to the genie, “I wish to have unlimited wishes.” The genie denies this wish and declares that it is against the rules to grant more wishes. Then, the man says, “I wish for you you to summon a different genie that would be willing to grant me extra wishes.” Once again, the genie denies t...

A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you.

The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”

The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

He walks up to the farmer and asks,

"Hey there, c...

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestan...

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Why did the bra stretch across the road?

To set a booby trap

A boy sees a beautiful girl across the street.

After they hit it off, he goes home and excitedly tells his dad the news.

“Dad, I just got to know this amazing girl across the street! She lives really close by and her name is Jenna. I really like her!”

The father winces and looks at him. “Son, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Jenna i...

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

A man was walking down a bright road when he came across an elderly women

He noticed she was searching for something, and that she appeared very distressed. He asked her, "Excuse me 'mam, do you need some help?" She replied " Oh yes please! I lost my necklace! It's a family heirloom and it's priceless!" He asked, "Okay well let's think back, where do you think you lost it...

Man in bed with his wife... Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders... across her waist.. under her neck... below her neck... under her back.. & suddenly STOPS! Wife: (in a romantic voice) "Why did you stop?"

Man: "Got the remote, you can go back to sleep."

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

What should you do if you come across a man eating crocodile?

Wipe it off, apologize, and leave him to finish his exotic meal in peace.

Yesterday I was cleaning and came across pictures of my wife and another woman going at it

I came across it again a few minutes later. Unfortunately that time ruined it.

An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat?

Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.

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A white man comes across a Native American lying with his ear pressed against the ground between a pair of tire tracks.

“What’s going on?” the white man asks.

“White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,” replies the Native American.

“Wow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?”

“No, you idiot! That’s what the asshole who hit me was drivi...

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A man has a chat with his neighbour across the road about the neighbour needing help with their back garden...

When the two finish their conversation, the man agrees to help the neighbour with his garden, and when they finish the job, the neighbour will pay the man.

The next day comes and the man comes back from the neighbours house all puffed out and tired, he sits down on the couch and calls his fr...

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

A man was walking along a solitary forest path when he came across a fork in the road.

He stopped and pondered for a second.

...and then he picked the fork up, dusted it off and used it to eat his lunch.

Can't let a perfectly good utensil go to waste.

Two engineering nerds were walking across their college campus.

One of them had a bike:

Nerd 1: Where did you get that bike, man; it looks pretty well made.

Nerd 2: Yesterday I saw a beautiful woman riding this bike in the park, and I winked at her. She came over, threw the bike down, took off her clothes, and said to me 'take what you want'.
...

What should you do when you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling "TGIF!"

The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!"

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down aft...

What happens when you come across a lion in the jungle?

Wipe it off and politely apologise

What did the goat say when it walked across the street?

Baaah

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the ...

Have you ever had the privilege of sailing across the North Atlantic Sea?

Neither has the Titanic.

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappear...

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An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

Three explorers, one Irish, another English, and an American, were walking in the Amazon. Soon they came across a tribe and the leader told them that if they wanted to pass through their territory that they had to pass the three caves test.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never bee...

3 blondes were walking on a path

They came across a set of tracks and were debating about what animal they were from.

Blonde 1: These are definitely deer tracks.

Blonde 2: They are not. These are clearly elk tracks.

Blonde 3: Both of you are blind. These are obviously moose tracks.

That’s when the train ...

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes

He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"

A guy is crossing the street when he comes across a garage sale

A guy is crossing the street when he comes across a garage sale.

He gets closer and starts taking a look at the items on display when he sees this huge TV.

He walks up to the seller and asks him.

- "Hey how much does that TV cost?"

- "It's only 1 dollar."

- "Only ...

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”

So they pick up a few pebbles...

An old couple used to live across the street from the cemetery...

Now they live across the street from their house.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

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Stumbling across some lines of code you wrote in your last job, is like running into your ex

They still look good, although not perfect and showing some signs of age.

You remember the good and bad times you spent with them.

You recollect all the little mistakes you made, and wonder whether you could've done something differently.

You've learned a lot, and hope to use th...

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

Two Boys Sitting Across the Street from a Brothel

The boys, who are 18 and 19 but have never been with a woman, see men go in and come out with big smiles on their faces, so they decide to go see what it's about.

They knock and this big madam opens the door, saying "what can I do for you young men?"

"We want to know why all the men in...

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

A nerd is riding a bike on the college campus when he comes across his friend.

The friend asks, "Where did you get that awesome bike?"

"You won't believe what happened," the nerd says. "I was walking on a trail yesterday, minding my own business, when this really beautiful woman rode up to me. She threw the bike on the ground, took off all her clothes, and said '*take w...

A Joke for those of you across the Pond.

I feel like the double decker bus is a bad invention for one reason. Well, more like three reasons. It is the only time where you can get in a car crash, fall down the stairs, and be in England at the same time.

What did the Guatemalan man do when he saw a deer run across his car’s path on the motorway?

He accidentally ran over it in His panic.

bah dum tss

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

Driving across the country, a man came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing.

Next to them was a sign that read "Turn around. The end is near." The driver didn't like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, "Mind your own business, you religious nuts!"





A few seconds later the two men fishing heard tyres screech, then a splash.
Th...

What is the worst thing to come across while searching the internet?

Your keyboard.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

What do you call Joaquin Phoenix when he's walking across a busy road?

Jay Joaquin Phoenix.

After The Flood...

After the flood, satisfied his work was done, Noah was inspecting the Ark one last time when he came across a pair of snakes.

"Why are you still here?" he asked in surprise. "It's safe now. Go forth! And multiply!"

The snakes stared at him in confusion.

"But....we're adders."

An Englishman named "One-two-three" and a Frenchman named "Un-deux-trios" challenged each other to see whose cat could swim across the Channel first...

After a grueling competition, One-two-three won after Un-deux-trois quatre cinq.

Two guys are walking down the street and come across this dog licking his balls.

One guy says "Man, I wish *I* could do that". The other guy responds "Maybe you should pet him first!"

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I have built a thousand houses, yet nobody calls me Peter the House Builter. I have sailed across all the seas yet nobody calls me Peter the Sea Crosser

But i fuck ONE silly goat...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.


Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it w...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

So, full disclosure: There's this lady across the street whom I've been into for a while now.

I just started talking to her and I gotta say...

Lawn distance relationships aren't that bad.

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.

The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!”
An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.
Suddenly,everything--the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man--...

I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...

I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it. Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle. When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed. Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.

I just never saw what the bi...

Walking through the jungles of Africa, a man comes across a pygmy standing next to a ferocious dead lion.

So the man approaches the pygmy and asks him, " Did you kill that lion ? "

"Yes", says the pygmy, "I killed it with my club."

Impressed by the tiny fellow, the man exclaims, "Wow! How big is your club ?"

The pygmy looks up at the man and says, "There are about ninety of us."

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Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

osMoses

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

After tennis, I came across 2 dogs fighting in the park

so I whistled and threw a tennis ball into the brush. They immediately stopped fighting and chased after the ball. Minutes later they returned, but didn't have my ball.

So I gave them a no ball peace prize

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A teenage girl came across an old man sitting next to his radio, tapping his cane in time to a Lil Wayne song.

"Holy crap! I didn't know you'd like rap music?!"
"I didn't, either," the old man replied. "It all started after my hip op".

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

Because it got pissed off.

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A blind man walks into a bar.

He sits down, and orders a drink. After a little while he speaks up,
“Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?”

A hush falls across the bar. The woman to his left responds,

“you’re blind, so it’s only far that you know this. The bartender is a 30 year old blonde woman. The woman...

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Three men come across a genie. The genie explains to them that they are each granted one wish only if they jump off a cliff and say what they desire...

The first guy immediately runs and hops off the cliff while screaming, "Burgers!" and he lands in a mountain of burgers.

The second guy gave a little more thought to his wish before he promptly dived off and yelled, "Money!" He lands in a mountain of money.

The last guy had thought abo...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who swam across the English Channel?

A clever dick

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

Three men died and went to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven. Where it has been decreed that each person gets a vehicle according to their deeds.
The first man arrives and god asks "How long were you married for?"
"20 Years" said the first man
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" God asked
"Uhh... 5 ti...

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

My girlfriend and I were coming up with baby boy names and we came across the name Saul.

I asked if he turned out to be a good person would his name change to Paul?

Why haven't we come across any time traveller from the future?

The world ends in 2020. So does humanity.

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

Why couldn't Jesus complete the crossword?

Because he got stuck on 2 across

Old married couple

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

"Betty,soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know.

In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


Bet...

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Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when t...

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I saw five cockroaches marching across my basement floor today

I grabbed my shoe and started hitting them with the sole. I killed four, but one escaped and hid.

It was the sole survivor.

Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days

The lion starts hunting the two men. The men sprint as fast as they can until of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He turns to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Overjoyed to see his prayer answered, he t...

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I just took the manure truck across the scales

It weighed a shit ton

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence

The father says to the son "Watch this." and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son "Your turn, son." The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence.

A zoo’s only gorilla dies...

so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.

In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion’s enclosure, taunting the animal below. ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to ...

What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street?

Au!

Two cats tried to cross the river. One cat was named 'One Two Three', the other cat was named 'Un Deux Trois'. Which cat made it across?

'One Two Three' because 'Un Deux Trois' Quatre Cinq .



It's a pronunciation thing.

I came across this equation on my chemistry test - C2H6O...

Looks like I'm dealing with an alcohol problem.

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So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

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The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

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A scientist turns up a bottle then immediately spits the contents across the room.

You said that was water! It tastes like fucking peroxide!

You asked what I was drinking I said H^(2)O. Then you asked what was in that bottle and I said ," That's H^(2)O^(2)'

A guy was riding his bike across the border with a bag

The border police waves him aside and ask what it’s in the bag. He answered „sand“ and after the police looked into it they confirmed it’s really sand and let him pass

The next day the guy wanted to cross the border again with a bag full of sand. The police were skeptical but they haven’t fo...

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

A police officer, was scheduled for all-night duty at the station...

... he was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said "Honey, would you go down to the all-nigh...

A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.

He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"

The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

Two elderly men sitting in park

Two elderly men sitting in park. Both are starting to have Alzheimer symptoms. They discuss as they usually do on Monday PMs.



One of them sees a food truck across the park and tells the other one: "I'd like an ice cream, chocolate almonds ice cream. Do you want me to get you one ?"...

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim...

Mechanic vs. heart surgeon ... similar jobs?

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the

mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I as...

Ocean full of Beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

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The Golf Pro

A golf pro is going over his morning instruction list and sees the usual: a lawyer, a CEO, etc… Looking down the list, he sees someone who listed prostitute. Finally, someone different!

He meets her out on the putting green and introduces himself. “I would like to start your lessons by seeing...

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the ba...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

Who led the Jewish people across a semi permeable membrane?

Os-Moses.

The Lucky Frog

A man goes golfing and notices a frog in the green at the first hole. He doesn’t think anything about it, puts the ball on the tee and prepares to swing when he hears, “Ribbit, 9 iron.”

The man looks around in surprise but doesn’t see anyone. He turns back to his ball and prepares to swing a...

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

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