Across Jokes - 132 Hilarious Across Jokes

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.

Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it w...

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

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Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

The first economist says to the other "Ill pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The second economist takes the $100 and eats the pile of shit.

They continue walking until they come across a second pile of...

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The fi...

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

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Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

osMoses

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

'cause it was pissed off.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.

(OC)

One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp.

“I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish.”

The first academic ponders for a mome...

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

‘It’s obscene!’, she yells. The receptionist goes up to her room and says, ‘Well ma’am, you can’t see anything from your window except the man’s head.’

No...

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

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A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing. After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an en...

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

A penguin decides to take a road trip and drive across the country to see the world.

A penguin decides to take a road trip and drive across the country to see the world. So, he hops into his car and starts driving. He's cruising down the highway when suddenly, his car starts making strange noises, and smoke starts pouring out from under the hood.
Panicked, the penguin manages t...

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

M...

A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I do...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

An ant travelled across the Mexico into USA..

It's now import-ant.

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Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach when they come across a man sunbathing.

He has no arms or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him a big hug.

The second girl asks him if he has ever been kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and gives him a long lingering k...

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I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.

He said “For fuck’s sake, will you stop painting the damn things and just hammer them into the damn wall”

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

I came across a door

with a sign that said “must remain closed at all times”.

I’m not sure why they bothered installing it.

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal ...

Two native Americans are walking across the plains

Two Native Americans are walking through the Great Plains. Suddenly the ground started to rumble. One of them sticks his ear to the ground for a few seconds. He stands back up and motions to the other “Buffalo come”. The other looks at him and asks him how he knows. The first cups his hand to the si...

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A man is looking for a long lost treasure and comes across an old witch.

He says, "I'm looking for the Treasure of the Hidden Sea. Do you know where to find it?"

She smiles and says, "I do. But there is a price to pay if you do."

"I'll pay anything," the man says knowing that he's been looking for this treasure for three decades. "Just tell me how to get ...

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A man walking his dog comes across an old man sat on a park bench sobbing

He walks up to him out of concern, and says "Is everything OK?".

The old man says "Well not really".

"What's wrong?" says the man?

"Well a couple of weeks ago, I married this 30 year old exotic dancer. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Every morning, she wakes me up...

Two cats decided to have a swimming race across the English channel

The English cat's name was One-Two-Three, and the French cat's name was Un-Deux-Trois. They both swam as fast as they could across the Channel, but in the end, the One-Two-Three cat was declared the winner because.....

the Un-Deux-Trois cat sank! (quatre cinq)

I just came across an old photo of my wife's mum

She hasn't spoken to me since

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Guy walks into a bar Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, really confused, pours him another drink. The guy pays him $100 and refuses the change again. Just as he's about to sip his drink, the little guy appears, knocks the drink to the floor and runs off again.

Now the bartender pours him another drink and asks him about the little g...

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Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

Two cats--one English, one French--held a swimming race across the English Channel.

The English cat was named One Two Three; his French competitor was named Un Deux Trois.

Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

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A man on a train is sitting across a gorgeous young lady, with tight short skirt on (NSFW)

She uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully apologizes, and promises that it will not happen again.
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The man w...

What's the difference between a race across Asia, and one across Europe?

The one across Europe eventually ends because it has a Finnish line

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

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So, I was sitting on a train across from a beautiful Thai girl.

And all I could think was "Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner." And then she did.

A man boards a plane with seven kids. After they settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks:

"Are all of these kids yours?"

He replies: "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

A man had pen-pals all across the Caribbean.

He had one friend in in Cuba and many all across Jamaica. One day the Cuban is traveling abroad near the man's home and asks if he can stop by for dinner while he's there. The man thinks this is a fantastic idea and starts cooking when his roommate walks in.
"Hey, what's up?"
"One of my pen-pa...

Three scientists came across a sheep with black wool in a paddock.

The first scientist said “Seeing as this sheep has black wool, we must be able to conclude that all sheep have black wool”

The second scientist said “No, you are wrong. Seeing as this sheep has black wool, we can only conclude that some sheep have black wool”

The third scientist said “...

Tim, Tom, and Long John were taking a walk across a bridge.

About half-way across, the three men decided to stop and take a leak off the side of the bridge.

While they were relieving themselves, Tim notices, "That water is pretty far down there!"

Tom wonders aloud, "I wonder how cold that water is."

John says, "It is co...

A man moves across country to a new city.

A man moves to a new city and starts a new job.

Lunchtime comes around and his coworker asks him to join him. They go to a restaurant down the road, sit down and he orders the Club Sandwich.

They get their food after a couple of minutes and talk about work.
The man is intrigued...

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”

A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”

Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out ...

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

A nearsighted whale followed a submarine across the ocean

Every time it fired off a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.

I came across an old photo of my great grandmother earlier today.

Took me nearly an hour to clean it off.

A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

Edna Mode has been to fashion shows across the global, but there’s one place she will never visit…

Cape Town

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Why did the Pigeon fly across the road?

To shit on the other side.

Two guys come across a dog licking it's own balls.

One of them says, "man I wish I could do that."

The other one says, "I'd pet him first if I were you".

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Superman is flying across town when

He spots Wonder Woman laying on a roof top naked. All exposed soaking up the sun. He thinks to himself, "I'm Superman. I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could swish down there, do a few pumps and be out before ya know it!"

So, Superman swoops down, pumps out at Mach III and is gone jus...

I recently came across a big sum of money.

That´s the reason I got fired from the Bank.

It seems like everyday I come across a new article about a cure for Alzheimer's

Turns out it's actually the same article.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

A man sees a blonde across the river.

Man: How do I get to the other side?

Blonde: You are on the other side.

Today I helped a little old lady with a walker across a busy street

And some of the other car drivers were so inspired they joined me in honking at her.

Paddy and Mick take a short cut home across a farmers field

Paddy: "Ahhh, Mick look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"

Mick says: "Herd of Cows, Paddy... Herd of Cows"

Mildly infuriated, Paddy replies:

"Of course I've heard of Cows, Mick: there's a bloody flock of them in the next field!!"

It's crazy how many people are talking about the Oscars across all my social media feeds

Everything is popping up everywhere, all at once

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Two brothers come across two fields at night.

Two brothers come across two fields at night. One field is full of watermelons, the other one is full of olive trees.

The two brothers decide to steal some olives and watermelons so they could eat it at home. One brother goes to the watermelon field, the other one goes to the olive trees fie...

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes

He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"

I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.

I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke

"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.

I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."

With a whoosh, my wis...

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks the guy across from him why his hands were all over his face:

The guy across replies: "Because I am a clock you drunk fuck."

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

The founder of Dulux paints has frozen to death whilst trekking across the Arctic

Doctor's said he could have done with another coat

A recently divorced woman comes across a genie in a lamp

A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach, when she notices a lamp in the sand. She picks it up and rubs it, and out pops a genie. "I am the genie of this lamp," he said, "and I will grant you three wishes, but under one condition: whatever you receive, the person you hate the most will ...

There were two friends who had to jump across two buildings…

The first friend jumped across no problem, but the second friend was scared of falling. The first friend pulled out a flashlight and said “Hey, I will shine a light between the gap and you walk across the beam”
The second friend replied with “You think i’m crazy? You will just turn it off halfway...

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The best palindrome i've ever come across is ...

The best palindrome i've ever come across is tit and boob

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

Pharaoh's were buried with their hands across their chest...

....because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

A Spanish man is driving a tractor trailer across France and into Italy.

A Spanish man is driving a tractor trailer across France and into Italy. At the border he gets stopped by the French police and questioned about the contents of his truck. "Caracoles" he says. Not understanding, the police open it up and say "Oh, escargots." The Spanish man replies, "Sì, es cargo."

A police officer is eating chicken with rice, sitting across from a stranger

While eating he says, "Boy do I sure love Jasmine rice."

The stranger sitting across from him says, "That's not Jasmine rice, it's Basmati."

The police officer replies, "Are you sure? Do you mind if I ask you some questions about it?"

To which the stranger responds, "No, I know ...

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

He walks up to the farmer and asks,

"Hey there, c...

Sven and Ole were hiking when the came across some tracks.

Sven said, "Look, coyote tracks."
Ole replied, "Those aren't coyote tracks they're deer tracks."
They stood on the tracks arguing for over 30 minutes then were hit by the train.

One sunny day in January 2021, an older man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a parch bench

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old ...

A young woman takes a taxi across town...

When they get to her destination the driver checks the flag fare and says "$35 please."

The woman says "I'm sorry, I haven't got any money"

The annoyed driver looks over the back seat to see the young lady pull up her skirt to reveal she's not wearing any panties.

"Perhaps we ca...

I came across my mum and dad's love letters today

I tried to wipe it off, but they're ruined.

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their50th wedding anniversary.”You know,” she said, “We were probably sitting in the kitchen across fromeach other 50 years ago.”

“Yeah,” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

"So let’s get naked now,” she suggested.So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “My nipples feel just as hot lookingat you today as they did 50 years ago.”
<...

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I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together...

It was very confusing.

What do you call a sick bird trying to get across the border?

An illegal

how many people have been vaccinated all across the globe?

i dont have the exact number, but its probably moderna few.

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What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room that means it’s good.

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.

"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."

"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.

"He's ...

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I saw five cockroaches marching across my basement floor today

I grabbed my shoe and started hitting them with the sole. I killed four, but one escaped and hid.

It was the sole survivor.

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A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert...

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of waiting,...

Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

I came across a guy changing his tire on the side of the road

So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap!

“Oh my God! My arm I broke my f-ing arm!”

“Which bone?” He asked me, as he ...

Why was chickan across road?

That would be because my brother is terrible at both crossword puzzles and spelling.

I walked across a bridge

And as I got to the other side I threw my boomerang, but it never came back. So as I was walking back across the bridge I was wonder, "why didn't it comeback" then all of the sudden
It hit me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when t...

Man is crawling across the desert, dying of thirst

Suddenly he sees something in the distance, it looks like a well, he runs towards it.
Upon reaching it he exclaims WATER!!

And from the well he hears WHERE??

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sorry if this comes across as offensive...

Two dyslexic men attempt to rob a train.
One man shouts to the carriage "Air in the hands motherstickers!"
The other man shouts "This is a fuck up!"

Two old men across the bar

I saw two old men across the bar and told my buddy, we gotta be careful otherwise that's gonna be us in 10 years.

He looks at me and say: "That's a mirror dummy..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

How much does it cost to get a ship across the Atlantic?

It's 100% free

^(just pay shipping)

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

A man is driving across town with his dog.

He sees a traffic light and begins to stop.

The dog says, "Why are you slowing down, the light's gray?"

A plane was traveling across the Atlantic...

...when there was an explosion from one of the engines.

Pilot: "I'm afraid we're all gonna crash and die because it's just too heavy to keep it in the air."

Despite throwing all unnecessary items from the plane, it still descended rapidly.

Suddenly, a Frenchman stood up and shou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:

Man: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "I've never been hugged before."

The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.

Man: "What's wrong now?"

Woman: "I...

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Apologize and wipe it off

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table...

...took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married thirty years, and there's something I must know. In all of these thirty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth swallowed hard and replied, "Well, Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful...

A duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer.

The bartender thinks "Wow, a talking duck," and pours him a beer.

The bartender asks "I don't think I've seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?"

The duck says "No, I live across town. I'm a drywaller, and I'm working the office renovation across the street. I...

How does a vampire get across the ocean?

a boat

Two cannibals comes across a body and start eating.

One starts at the head and the other at the feet. After a few minutes go by the guy at the head says, “Hey man how’s it going down there?” The guy says, “I’m havin a ball!” The guy at the head goes, “Woah slow down you’re eating too fast!”

On his cake day, the man swims across the river

When he is in the middle of the river, suddenly a loud voice out of nowhere asks: “plus two or minus two?”
The man decides that more is better than less and says : “plus two”.
At first it looks like nothing happened, but when he gets out of the water, he releases he now has 4 balls.
The man...

I want my remains scattered across the world

I also don't want to be cremated.

What's the worst thing you can come across while searching the web?

Your keyboard.

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