My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

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Two economists are walking in a forest when they come across a pile of shit.

The first economist says to the other “I’ll pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit.” The second economist takes the $100 and eats the pile of shit.

They continue walking until they come across a second pile of shit. The second economist turns to the first and says “I’ll pay you $100 to eat tha...

What do you call a sick bird trying to get across the border?

An illegal

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

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A man walking his dog comes across an old man sat on a park bench sobbing

He walks up to him out of concern, and says "Is everything OK?".

The old man says "Well not really".

"What's wrong?" says the man?

"Well a couple of weeks ago, I married this 30 year old exotic dancer. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Every morning, she wakes me up...

Two guys come across a dog licking it's own balls.

One of them says, "man I wish I could do that."

The other one says, "I'd pet him first if I were you".

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forrest The bear is chasing the rabbit trying to kill it. Until they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each

Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.

Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears ...

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

Why did One Two Three cat win a race with Un Deux Trois cat across a river?

Because quatre cinq

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays...

...they seem to be a dying breed

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

It was pissed off.

Bonus: what's rubbery and sticks to Windows? Condomsation.

A man stumbles across a magic lamp while walking in a forest

Upon rubbing it a genie appears and says that for freeing him he will grant him one wish.

The man thinks for a while and finally says :
" I wish that I peed out don perignon champagne"

The genie albeit confused grants the wish.

The man quickly hurries home and tells it all h...

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

He was pissed off.

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said....

"Stop, don't do it!"


"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.


"Well, there's so much to live for!"


"Like what?"


"Are you religious?"


He said: "Yes."


I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"


"Christian."


"Me too. Are ...

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Two economists are walking in the park when they come across a pile of dog shit

One economist turns to the other and says, "I'll give you $500 if you eat that dog shit." Tempted by the sum, the second economist picks up the dog shit and eats it. True to his work, the first economist gives him $500 and they continue on with their walk.

After a while, the pair come across ...

Duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, now can I have my b...

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Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach when they come across a man sunbathing.

He has no arms or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him a big hug.

The second girl asks him if he has ever been kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and gives him a long lingering k...

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I was walking through the park and came across this guy typing on an old-fashioned typewriter.

He tapped his chin for a second before saying, "Othello" and began typing away.

Being the curious jerk that I am, I peered over his shoulder to see what he was doing.

He had typed "Othello" on one line and followed it with a description of the name as classically used in the English ...

I recently came across this show called Paw Patrol

I like how it teaches children, from an early age, that the police patrol the poor.

Two blondes were taking a walk through a bush when they came across a set of tracks.

‘I’m sure they’re bear tracks!’, said the first blonde.
‘No, they’re deer tracks’, said the second blonde, confidently.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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A man on a train is sitting across a sexy young lady, with a short skirt on

The young lady uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully says "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again!"
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The ...

How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy?

Do some light speed.

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The best palindrome i've ever come across is ...

The best palindrome i've ever come across is tit and boob

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a stru...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

I pointed towards two old drunks sitting across the table in the bar

and told my friend "We'll be like that in another 10 years"

He said "That's a mirror you idiot!"

If There’s Hell Below …

As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

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A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert...

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of waiting,...

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

how many people have been vaccinated all across the globe?

i dont have the exact number, but its probably moderna few.

I own a chain of garden centres across the US

I got hoes, in different area codes.

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

[nsfw] Three guys were hiking and took a short-cut across a farmer's field, where the found a pig stuck halfway through a fence.

"I wish that was my Nancy, my girl friend" said the guy from Florida.
" I wish that was my cousin Mary-Lou" said the guy from Georgia
"I wish it was dark out" said the guy from Alabama

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Did you ever hear the story of Captain Richard, who smuggled potatoes across the Atlantic?

He ran a Dick-tater-ship

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𝗧𝘄𝗼 𝗻𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲

There were two statues standing in the park.

One of a naked man, and one of a naked women.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells the...

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."

She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."

A young woman takes a taxi across town...

When they get to her destination the driver checks the flag fare and says "$35 please."

The woman says "I'm sorry, I haven't got any money"

The annoyed driver looks over the back seat to see the young lady pull up her skirt to reveal she's not wearing any panties.

"Perhaps we ca...

Man is crawling across the desert, dying of thirst

Suddenly he sees something in the distance, it looks like a well, he runs towards it.
Upon reaching it he exclaims WATER!!

And from the well he hears WHERE??

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What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room you know it’s some good shit!

A police officer came across a pair of boys eating fireworks and batteries

He decided to charge one and let the other off

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:

Man: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "I've never been hugged before."

The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.

Man: "What's wrong now?"

Woman: "I...

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

An Indian governor visits a Chinese governor on diplomatic business.

A wealthy Chinese governor was hosting an Indian governor at his governor's mansion, and he just couldn't resist boasting about how well he gamed the system to enrich himself. After a lavish lunch, he called the Indian governor over to his balcony window. Pointing at a magnificent bridge across the...

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

Two cannibals sat across from each other for lunch.

They decided to share what seemed to be a rather thin and short fellow between the two of them for lunch. One started at the brow line the other at the toes. The cannibal on the top side made his way to the shoulder and asked the other "You said before you have never eaten around here before so what...

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Mortician.

A mortician was going about his typical day of embalming and what not, when he came across a client that had the biggest male member he had ever seen. Even by porn standards his hog was huge. So the mortician decides he needs to preserve this monstrosity of man meat because this definitely has to be...

This joke's idea comes from somewhere I can't remember. I was watching MKay's or FakeJake's video (It was several days ago, and they both post videos reading reddit post.) and I come across the first half of my joke (It isn't a joke, the person was actually asking for the advice through messages.)

Person A: Bro, I need your advice. How do I kindly reject a person. Person B has confessed to me, and I'm not ready yet. He's interesting, but I don't want to date, yet. I told him to wait until tomorrow for my answer.

A's Bro: Tell him, "You and I are reading the same book. But, you are seve...

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.

"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."

"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.

"He's ...

On his cake day, the man swims across the river

When he is in the middle of the river, suddenly a loud voice out of nowhere asks: “plus two or minus two?”
The man decides that more is better than less and says : “plus two”.
At first it looks like nothing happened, but when he gets out of the water, he releases he now has 4 balls.
The man...

Into the Valley

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, what do you want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

The government has installed the first publicly available enema station which they plan to eventually build across all major cities.

It has officially been declared public enema number one.

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A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

One sunny day in January 2021, an older man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a parch bench

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old ...

A man is sitting at home…

when he hears a knock at his door. He opens the door and there’s no one there- cranes his neck to look and see if anyone is hiding he looks left and right- nothing.
As he’s about to close the door- he looks down and sees a snail. He shrugs his shoulders and flicks the snail across his yard.
...

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The Life Saver

>A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, he starts choking and goes blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to panic, shouting for help.
>
>An attractive, well-dressed but serious looki...

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic…

A penguin drives his car to the mechanic’s shop and says the engine is making a weird noise.

“Alright,” the mechanic says. “Give me a little bit and I’ll take a look. In the meantime, you can go to the ice cream shack across the street…”

The penguin went an ordered a vanilla ice crea...

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

Did you know, if you laid out all of your veins end to end across a football field...

You would likely die.

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A guy goes up to the bartender and bets him $50 he can pee in a beer glass from all the way across the bar...

... without getting a SINGLE drop on the bar. The bartender thinks it’s impossible so he takes the bet.

The guy places the glass at one end of the bar & stands at the other. He unzips and starts a’pissin. And it goes AAAAALL over the place, not a single drop even coming close to the glas...

Why did I walk all across Europe?

I wanted to get to the Finnish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

"All right woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex." she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"

The husband looks at her and...

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A man is walking down the beach..

A man is walking down the beach at dusk when he comes across a girl laying on a blanket watching the sunset. She doesn’t have any arms or legs and she’s crying.

He feels bad for her and is compelled to ask “Sweetie, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” “Well Mr, I don’t have any arms or legs, I...

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A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street.

He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish." The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka." When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her. It was the be...

An Irishman, an Englishman, and an Welshman were walking along the beach when they came across an old lamp wedged in the sand.

They picked it up, gave it a little rub, and a genie appeared.
“I usually give three wishes,” proclaimed the genie, “but as there are three of you, I will give you one wish each.”
The Irishman paused for a second then said, “I wish there was no more racist stereotypes in the world.”
“Grant...

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A group of friends was walking around the red light district and came across a sign that said “donuts.”

Hank turned to the other two, Joey and Carl, and said, “Guys, I heard about this! The girl puts a donut on your junk and then goes to town. It’s supposed to be the best thing you can do here. We should do it. It’s not like we’re going to get this chance again!”

Reluctantly, the other two agr...

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The Little Green Man

One day there was a little green man who had just got home from his little green job.

He got to his little green door, opened it, stepped inside, hung up his little green coat and decided to run his little green bath while he drank a little cup of green tea.

As soon as his little green...

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A grizzly bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest, when both come across a magic lamp and rub it at the same time

A genie pops out and says: “I’ll grant you both three wishes. Let’s start with you, bear. What do you want?”

The bear says: “I wished all the grizzly bears, other than me, in this forest, were female”, and the genie grants it.

The rabbit says: “I wish for a Harley Davidson”, and the g...

A Welshman, Scot and Englishman are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each.

The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my father before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”

Whoosh, and so it was.

The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.”

Bang, there was a wall around E...

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

Man walks into a bar with a Giraffe

Sits down at a table and orders a round, whiskey for him and a double for the giraffe

This goes on for a few more rounds until the giraffe is all but passed out, laying across the table

Man stands up and starts to stagger to the exit.

Barman looks over and says "Hey - you can't...

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

There a 502 bricks in a plane, one falls out, how many bricks are left?

501

Hoe do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door

How do put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door

The lion king invites all the animals to a party, but ones missi...

A man was driving his car when he saw a three-legged chicken dart across the road at an incredible speed...

Intrigued, he slammed his brakes and watched the chicken run to a farm so fast he couldn't believe it.

The man quickly turned into the farm's driveway and drove to the farmhouse. Upon reaching it the farmer emerged and asked, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Did you see a three-legged ...

A daddy hedgehog is teaching his sons how to cross a road

He explains 'if you see a car coming, go to the middle and curl up in a ball, it will pass right over you.' He then demonstrates, walking across the road and, when a car comes, curling up into a ball and letting it pass safely over the top, and then heading to the other side.

He then tells th...

A man is lost in the forest late at night...

(Quick note: I first heard this joke in Chinese, so this is an attempt to translate it to English)

...and stumbles across a cabin with a light on inside.

He knocks on the door, and is greeted by a kind-looking old lady, who happily welcomes him inside, treats him to a hot meal, allows ...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

I was out shopping with the wife when we came across a group of young ladies wearing mini skirts. I said, “ooh look at them legs! I bet you had legs like them.”

She didn’t answer but I think she was upset since I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp to Walmart.

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry!

(Works best verbally)

A man and a woman were out on a first date together.

Everything was going great and they were getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman commented on the size of the man’s hands and feet. “I didn’t notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!”

The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thought quickly a...

I hope someone comes across this distress signal

Damn it, I used the wrong flare

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...

And one night, one night they decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto this roof and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight.... Now, the first guy, he jumps across no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make t...

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

Doing a crossword puzzle I came across a clue “Part of the body where you might insert a plug. 3-Letters”

Turns out the correct answer is “EAR”. I was way off.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

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A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the ur...

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.

Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.

"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..

"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.

"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.

"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?

Few minutes later,...

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

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A man goes for a walk in New Zealand…

Along the way he comes across a Kiwi farmer. He stops and greets the farmer with a hearty ‘hello’ and the farmer returns his greeting.

The man looks down at the farmers dog and asks the farmer if he can have a chat to the dog.
Perplexed, the farmer responds: ‘ Sure, but the dog doesn’t ta...

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads.

I call it "Uneasy Rider".

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He then replies......

"No. I work for a condom company. These are my customer complaints."

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A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

a woman walks into a bar and takes a seat across from the female bartender

"I'll take a shot of anything, I'm celebrating taking the Bechdel test."

The bartender pours her a whiskey and says, "think you'll pass?"

"I just did!" she says as she downs the shot.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.


Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it w...

I was walking across the road and someone opened their window and threw a block of cheddar at me

I thought to my self,
“Well that wasn’t very mature.”

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A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met...

A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met. One day he plucked up the nerve to ask one of them, "So how come all you philosophy majors are so smart?" 

"Oh, that's no mystery," the philosophy major answered. "We've al...

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My wife and I have oral sex every day

Across the room she yells, “Fuck You!” And I yell “Fuck You too!”

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A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach...

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie.

Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double."

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my ...

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

What do you do when you come across your ex in a Karaoke bar?

The polite thing would be to offer them a towel!!

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

How does a vampire get across the ocean?

a boat

So a chicken walks into a bar...

Fellow is about to order a beer, when the bartender cuts him off -

> Pardon, but we're closing early tonight - my wife's birthday! And we did last call a few minutes ago.

> Why don't you try the place across the street?

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A man was walking down the street and comes across something on the ground that looked suspicious

Curious, he bends over, grabs some with his finger, and licks it

" Ewww, that was dogshit..

Thank god I didn't step on it"

A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

They are shown into a room where a naked woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.

The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.

The engineer walks halfway across the room.

"You fo...

What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt?

Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!

An Acadian, a Newfie and a Quebec'er were walking down the beach when they they found a Genie's lamp

The Genie said that he would grant them each one wish. The Genie turned to the Acadian and asked "What will be your wish?"

The Acadian said "Well, I had to start working out West and they don't speak a lot of French there, so it would be nice if they would accept me for who I am."

Th...

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A joke my dad told me...

A young American man went to Scotland to see the sights, he travelled from village to village, admiring the architecture and stonework, all the rustic buildings and cozy homes.

So he decides in one of the villages to stop at a sleepy little pub. There's an old man sitting at the bar alone, no...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

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Dad shark is explaining to his son shark what to do when he comes across a human in the ocean.

"First you circle around him two times from the right side then another two times from the left.Then you circle around him three times from the right side then three times from the left.And after that you eat him".Now say it back to me."First you circle around him two times from the right side,one t...

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There are two men hiking through the jungle

They come across a village of native Indians who take them hostage. The leader tells them that they have two options for punishment. Death or boomba?

“Well I don’t wanna die so I’ll choose boomba” says the first guy.

Then comes out boomba. A 700 hundred pound naked man covered in wart...

The woman across the street only has one arm. My wife says I shouldn't call her bandit because her name is Debbie.

Who ever heard of a "one-armed Debbie?"

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

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Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

Hunting Fun

Two guys go hunting one day and they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. The first guy says to his buddy, "Man I'm not gonna lie. It's been a while. This sheep is looking pretty good."

Second guy says, "sure dude. Go for it. I won't tell anyone."

So the 1st guy pulls...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

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Windows

John is arrested for breaking windows, found insane, and sent to an asylum. At entry they ask him, What do you want to do?

I want to break all your windows!

After a month they i try again and get the same answer. Another 6 months and still all he will say is,

I want to break all...

Robin Hood's Successor

It had been many years since Robin Hood began his quest of "stealing from the rich and giving to the poor". By now he was growing old and tired, and wanted to find someone who could carry on his legacy and lead a new band of Merry Men.

He searched through many villages for someone he could de...

I want my remains scattered across the world

I also don't want to be cremated.

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

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Why do ghost dogs always haunt us by dragging their butts across the ground?

They have unfinished business.

I was shipping comedians across the countr but it took to long

They said it was bad timing but great delivery

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

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