UPJOKE
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Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

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If I ever become famous, I'm gonna kiss another guy publicly just to remove homophones from my fan base.

John and Jon, that means you.

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I was gonna make a joke about anal sex…

…butt fuck it

I was gonna make a joke about hanging

But I couldn't wrap my head around it.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it.

You guys didn’t get it.

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I'm not gonna draw a nude picture of you for free.

but I'll do it for exposure.

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

Johnny repeatedly said he was gonna win the defamation case

Which proves that Amber Heard, but didn’t listen

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"

"I'm gonna do it," one guy tells the other and disappears through the church door.

5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you ...

A father picks his son up from school and tells him "Today we're gonna go to the forest and learn some survival."

The son asks "Cool! How long will we be there?"

The father replies: "I don't know, I just gambled the house away."

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium…

but I thought Na, people wouldn’t get it.

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say...

"Look how high up in this tree I am".

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A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

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An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn foo...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you t...

I was gonna take a trip to Bangkok...

But then I thought Phuket

You're never gonna believe this

I was just taking a walk, minding my own business, when a gorgeous woman looked in my direction and screamed, "You're so hot! I love you!!"

You can ask Chris Hemsworth, he was standing right next to me!

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A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking "Oh no! My mom's gonna kill me!"

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

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My dad walked into the room one day when I was 16 and said hey son I'm gonna teach you how to pull out

He meant out of the driveway

A cop pulled me over and asked "Do you know why I pulled you over?'

I Said "if you already forgot, I'm not gonna tell you"

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

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-Johnny you can't bring your cat to the school you're gonna be in trouble for it

\-I know but I can't leave it at home

\-why ?

\-I heard my dad talking to my mum and said : "once the kid goes to school I'm gonna eat that pussy"

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"Aren't you gonna eat me now?" asked the male praying mantis after sex

"Nah, that's just the females."

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"Hey, what are you gonna do with those crazy crystal rocks??"

Nothing... why don't you mine your own bismuth

A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven

They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”

St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”

The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”

The couple then asks “What about a di...

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are **you** shaking, she's gonna eat me!

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

A cowboy on a long journey stops at a small town to wet his throat he ties his horse up outside the saloon and enters...

The town's folk eye him uneasily, but he makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender opens his beer and sets it down on the table. "I'd be careful if I was you. Town's folk don't take kindly to newcomers, they give em a hard time. And that's what you are is a newcomer."

"Is that...

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I was walking my dog this morning when this guy shouted at me "I hope you're gonna pick that shit up!"

I just pulled up my pants and ran

I’ve been called a pervert. I’ve been banned from the mall. I’ve even gotten a few restraining orders, but I won’t let that stop me.

Come hell or high water, I’m gonna figure out Victoria’s Secret.

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At the airport...

Passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. They were getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assured them that the pilots would be there soon.
Finally, two men dressed in pilot uniforms walked up the aisle. Both wore dark glasses, one was using a seeing-e...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

A duck walks into a store...

He shouts at the proprietor, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor answers, "No, we don't."

The next day, the duck returns, and asks, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck food. Now please leave."

The n...

A young man joins the army.

He promises to call his father every week and update him on how things are going. A few months in he calls home and tells his dad that they started doing parachute jumps this week.

Knowing that his son is greatly afraid of heights, the father asked how it went. "Well, I said I wasn't going t...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

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One night, a drunk passed out on a park bench…

and a man walking by late at night saw the drunk there and stopped to check on him. The drunk showed signs of life and the pedestrian, feeling a little frisky, took advantage of the drunk, slipping a $5 bill in the drunk’s pocket afterwards.

The next day, when the drunk woke up, he found the ...

A boy walks into a bakery

He goes to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” The baker answers: “We don’t, sorry”

The next day, the same boy goes to the same bakery, walks to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” Again, the baker answers “we still don’t, sorry!”

After the kid l...

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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is dri...

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2 prostitutes standing on a corner.

2 prostitutes standing on the corner and one of them says "we gonna make a lot of money tonight i can smell the dick in the air"...and the second one replied "sorry i burped"

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

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Guy goes to the doctor for a pain in his ass

Tells the doctor "doc ive got some pain right by the entrance of my asshole"

Doc replies: "long as u call it an entrance its gonna hurt"

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

Lazy farmhands

Three farmers were talking. "You would not believe how lazy my latest farmhand is." one said. "Come watch."

They went to his house and saw a sleeping man. "Hey Joe" his master called. "What? Is it dinner time?" the farmhand replied, then turned around and went back to sleep.

"Ha, that ...

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

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The Moral of the Story

There once was a fly, hovering above a pond.

The fly was thinking "I'm awfully thirsty, I think I'll go down to the pond and have a drink."

What the fly didn't know was that a fish was watching him thinking "That fly is looking awfully thirsty. When he comes down to get something to d...

I bought my epileptic friend a strobe light for his birthday......

He's gonna have a fit when he sees it

A ship was sinking...

The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".

A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he co...

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

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Two guys go hunting in the woods

When suddenly they see a bear coming towards them. They start running and one of them tells the other one "Shoot it Bob, it's going to kill us". Bob aims at the bear and shoots off it's left testicle. The bear gets angry and runs faster. The other guy once again says "Shoot it Bob, it's going to kil...

geography test

What is the capital of Austria?

\- Berlin

What is the capital of France?

\- Berlin

What is the capital of Poland?

\- Berlin

All wrong. Adolf, you're gonna fail the test

\- We shall see

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

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Johhny went to sleep and woke up in heaven

He awoke before the Pearly Gates...

St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Johnny"...

Johnny was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...

St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but...

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A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?

I'm sorry sir, this light bulb was discontinued 12 years ago. you're gonna need a whole new lamp. that'll be $12,500.

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

Guy is at the doctor.

He says "Doc. I can't fart. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I'm so full of gas, but I just can't fart."

So the Doc says "Okay show me."

So Guy pushes really hard and tries his best to make a fart. Eventually he makes a little fart that goes "Pfft, honda."

The doc has a l...

Two mechanics are starting a long work day at the shop. [Long]

Mike: "I ain't feeling like working today."

Sam: "Yeah, me neither."

Mike: "Think I'm gonna head on home."

Sam: "Yeah and get fired."

Mike: "Naw man. Watch this."

Mike: *Proceeds to climb up the tire rack, up to rafters where he hangs upside down by his legs, wit...

People laughed when I said I was gonna be a comedian

Well, they're not laughing now

Man addicted to drinking brake fluid...

claims he can stop any time he wants.

Bonus

I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

doctor: you've been bitten by a radioactive shark me: so i'm gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs...

me: just like a shark.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym, he didn't show up

That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

It could’ve been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry say...

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Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.

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I finished work early.

I came home early one day and caught my wife in bed with one of my friends.

I was angry, I got my gun out of the drawer and shot him dead.

My wife said what the fuck?

You carry on like this you ain't gonna have any friends left.

my wife put a carrot in her you-know-what yesterday

I was gonna eat that and now it tastes like carrot

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

Last bowl of Chili

A man rushes into a diner and sits down at the counter. He asks the waiter for a bowl of Chili.

Waiter points to a man 3 seat down and says "He got the last one"

Man looks at the guy just staring down at the bowl. He asks "Are you gonna eat that? If not I'll take it."

The dine...

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

Was gonna say a nihilist joke

But nahhh it doesn't matter

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.


The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.


The next date sho...

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Lion in the Jungle

A lion is walking through his jungle and steps on someone's poop , so the next day he calls every animal in the jungle and tells them that now there are toilets around the jungle and everyone is to do their business there.

For a week everything went well but one day a bunny is walking throug...

If I win 1million lottery I'm gonna give quarter to charity.

Then I'm gonna keep the $999999.75 for my self

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An atheist dies and goes to hell...

...and notices he's in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he's then greeted by Satan who says "sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here mate."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

I'm gonna make a movie about a man with a speech impediment during world War 2

I'm gonna call it Schindler's Lisp

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

I know I’m gonna get hate for saying this, but there are some races that I just don’t like.

For instance, anything with an obstacle in it. Like if I’m running 10k, don’t make me climb over a wall halfway through it.

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

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New Diet

So I’m at Walmart picking up a bag of dog food for my dog. Waiting in the long line the lady behind me strikes up a conversation. She asks if I have a dog, and I think, why else would I be carrying this big bag of dog food?
Then I said “No, I’m starting the dog food diet again. Even though...

Hooker and the Cab Driver

A hooker hails a cab in NYC.

The cabbie says "where to mam"?

The hooker says "going home" gives him the address and they speed off.

After fighting through traffic for an hour, he finally gets her home; turns to her

and says "that'll be $80 please".

The hooker say...

I was gonna go to this French restaurant…

but French people give me the crepes.

I heard R Kelly is appealing his 30 year sentence.

Said he is gonna try to swap it for two 15's

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cold lips

There once was a young apprentice shepard learning the ropes of his job at an old remote farm in the mountains. The old shepard took the young apprentice under his wing. "Looky here rook, you're going to be staying alone for the night at the farm. We've had problems with the wolves before, but if th...

Rumor has it Marvel is gonna make a movie about Iron Woman

The cast will have a FeMale.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this…'"

I’m gonna tell you a joke about corona virus...

You have to wait 2 weeks to see if you get it!

A wife screamed at her husband: 'You're gonna be real sorry. I'm gonna leave you'

'Make up your mind' said the husband 'Which is it going to be?'

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Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

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