The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

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Three generals are arguing over who has the bravest soldiers.

The first general calls up a private from his army and tells him: "Climb that building and leap down from the roof!". With a "Yes sir!", the soldier climbed the building, leapt off and crashed violently on the concrete floor. The second general called up a private from his army and orders him: "Put ...

Why do men generally pass away sooner than their wife?

They want to.

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,

"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge...

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

Why did the general contractor insist on hiring a drag queen to install the house’s front door?

Because a drag queen always knows how to make an entrance.

What do you call the Christmas tree of a General?

Highly Decorated

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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A young private is on sentry duty one night in the guardhouse when the telephone rings

"ARE THERE MANY CARS ON THE OFFICER'S CAR PARK?" a voice bellows down the line?

The private looks at the car park and replies "Only that fat bastard General Jackson's car"

"DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?" the voice shouts. "THIS IS GENERAL JACKSON!"

"And do you know who you'...

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried t...

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

When is a General not a General?

When he's being specific!

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

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Two British army generals are catching up in the mess hall after years of not seeing one another during WWII.

“So Reginald, how you been my old mate?”

“Oh good good. Survived some close calls but can’t complain. How’s the ol’ wife Montgomery?”

“She’s well. Doing well.”

“And Manfred? You see him much?”

“Yep he’s fine. Lost most of his hearing in the battle at Vimy, but bless hi...

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

An American and a Soviet general are at the UN and are bragging about who has the best soldiers.

The American says: "We train our men hard; our boys march 100 miles a day in basic training". The Russian says "Da, so what? Our soldiers march 200 miles a day and double on weekends".

The American retorts "Well... when our GIs march they do it carrying 90lb packs without so much as a complai...

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common? [NSFW]

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

Scouts are generally an easy-going bunch

But they can be in tents

What's an army general's favorite date?

March 4th

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

What did the English general say after a successful bombing raid on a city in southern France?

Be careful. At this point, they don't have much Toulouse.

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

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A general approaches hitler

“Sir, our mining operations are overwhelmed, we aren’t able to ship what we produce. We are simply producing far too many tons of ores!

Hitler responds: “Just mine less”

A grammar nazi interjects: “Mine fewer”

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding...

...and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his h...

I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.

The American and the Russian

Originally told by U.S. President Reagan in one of his speeches:

>An American and a Russian(before the fall of the Soviet Union) were bragging to one another.
>
>
>American: We have a lot of freedom of speech. We can just go to the White House, barge in the President...

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.

I've heard a rumor General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'

- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '

Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how ...

Man says to his wife: today is International Generalizations Day

Wife replies: that's EVERY day with you

I was intrigued because I'd always wondered - so I asked a local council general labourer filling potholes in the road "Do you dig graves?"

He said "Well - they're ok, I suppose"

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the general is leaving the military base for a few days and he's scared that his men with have sex with his wife

so he inserted a blade in his wife's pussy so that if someone touches her ,he'll cut his dick and he'll know it. after a few days the general is back from his trip, he asked everyone to put down their pants to examine their penises, but he didn't find anything, he was so relieved he called the leute...

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

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A man says to his doctor "Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem"

The doctor says "Tell me about your sex life,"

The man says "Well, first thing in the morning, the wife and I have a quick 'morning glory'. Then I go to work and about eleven o'clock my secretary gives me a BJ at my desk. I nip home at lunchtime and do the wife over the kitchen table, then af...

Lincoln, Do the Thing!!! (4th of July Joke)

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking and eating and just generally having a grand ol' time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.

W: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
...

My wife is a lot like the general election...

She only comes once every 4 years.

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

Where do generals keep their armies?

In their sleevies

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately?

A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops.

Its WWIII, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?” The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.” The g...

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

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A young woman goes to the doctor.

The general doctor sits her down and asks her what's wrong.

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a fruitcake!"

The doctor wasn't sure how to respond.

"I see. What's gotten into you?"

"Raisins, butter, flour... All the usual ingredients!"

How does knowledge get spread around an Army base?

It goes from being Private Information to General Information

A man goes to join a monastery

When introduced to the abbott, he finds out it is a progressive monastery, where, while they generally keep the vow of silence, they are allowed to say two words every five years. The guy agrees to it and becomes a monk.

After 5 years the abbott asks him what he has to say. He says: "bad food...

A new general was allotted to a new army base

After some time in the base he realised how there were two army men guarding an empty bench all the time. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been happening since I joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through th...

What are chubby Mid-eastern moms generally named?

Fatima.

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

A North Korean general is to undergo surgery

"His heart again?", asks the doctor

"No, chest expansion surgery, to make room for one more Gold medal"

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General Custer

General Custer just died at his infamous last stand, his wife, making funeral arrangements speaks to his best friend who was also at the battle. " You we there in his final moments, I want you to make his tombstone commemorating his final thoughts and wishes." Mrs. Custer says, thinking it's thoug...

An old Russian WW2 joke

This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.

During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, h...

Once a hobbit gets to around 125 years old, they are very likely to die. And a little known fact is that, when they do, they are generally found to have a raging, post-mortem erection!

That's right, old hobbits die hard.

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This general goes to war and loses his left eye

(Translating this joke from Urdu to English. Let's see how it goes)

This general goes to war and loses his left eye so he visits the eye doctor and asks the doctor his options. The doctor tells him that he could put an artificial eye in his left eye socket. The general agrees and after a few ...

Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?"

Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

If I Owned Texas

"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell" - General Philip H. Sheridan

How many Postmasters General does it take to ruin the United States Postal Service?

Just one.

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.

"Might as well, it's going to be a while b...

Why do mathematicians make up for bad war generals?

They only take pride in numbers.

I started to read a book on general relativity

But I got lost in time

What do they serve at the medicore Chinese restaurant?

General so-so's chicken

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

The departing division general manager met a last time with his young successor and gave him three envelopes.

"My predecessor did this for me,and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck."

The new manager returned to his ...

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What does general grievous say after he gets his penis growth pills?

A fine addition to my erection.

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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received...

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit.

When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone...

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Historians are now generally agreed

that Romulus was a real son of a bitch.

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

Interviewer: So what are your strengths and weaknesses. Me: I have a decent sense of humor but my General Knowledge is not so good.

Interviewer: Ok, then tell us a joke.

Me: Knock Knock.

Interviewer: Who?

Me: 2nd US President.

Interviewer: 2nd US President who?

Me: Like I said, my General knowledge isn't good.

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Indian student in USA(NSFW)

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Ch...

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

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Hitler was in a meeting with his general, Eichmann.

Eichmann asked, "Fuhrer, what shall we do with all the Jews in the concentration camps?"

Hitler repleid, "I will kill 4 million Jews and 1 bicycle boy!"

Confused, Eichmann asked, "But Fuhrer, why would you kill 1 bicycle boy?"

Hitler answered, "See?! Nobody cares about the Jews!...

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A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot ...

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak...

An elderly man is out driving when a man on his radio suddenly announces:

*Beware of a dangerous car driving against the general direction of travel*

Annoyed, the man, alone in his car, mumbles to himself:
*One? There are several hundred of them!*

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

My lack of general knowledge

Is my Achilles knee

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An elderly couple sought help from a Sex Therapist.

They both told the therapist how much they both missed "that spark" that they had early in their relationship. The therapist asked some more general questions and give them a "homework" assignment before their next session. The couple happily went on their way and returned next week. The therapist t...

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So there's a Marine general

an Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy Admiral sitting in the club arguing about who's enlisted members have the biggest balls.

So the Navy Admiral tells a Seaman, "That guy standing at the end of the bar, go kick his ass " So he goes over and proceeds to kick his ass. The Admiral ...

A local general store was held up today, the attacker was overpowered by the brave assistant who hit the guy with her labelling gun...

Police are looking for the would- be robber and say there is now a price on the mans head..

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

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An American guy is talking to his friend about a French girl he likes...

"I've always had a thing for French women!" he says "So I can't wait to tell my crush that!"

"That's not right," says his friend. "It's not good to generalize her like that it'll make her think you see all French as the same! I've had a career in International Relations so I have some advice ...

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an american history professor decided that he wanted a large mural painted in his home.

he called in a famous artist and explained to him that he wanted him to paint what he thought general Custers last thoughts were during his last stand. he went on holiday and he returned see a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many native americans in erotic se...

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

General secretary Gorbachev is going by car to a meeting.

Suddenly, his driver hits a pig near a small village and stops the car.
Gorbachev gives him 100 rubel and tells him, “Take the dead pig, go into the village, find out who it’s owner was, apologize to him, and give him this money.”
Several hours later the driver returns totally drunk. Gorbachev...

My friend is so successful, he does surgery, is a military general, and he was recently knighted by the Queen of England.

We call him Sir Gen

I was out on the street, minding my own business...

when this guy Norman came up to me out of nowhere. I know his name because he immediately introduced himself without bothering to see if I was interested. I did not respond, yet he continued on, trying to strike up a conversation with me. I had things to do, so I pretended not to notice him.

...

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

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So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm...

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.

“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”

The ventriloquist apologizes profusely ex...

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1942. Two Nazi generals are at their headquarters, when suddenly the Red Phone rings.

The red line is reserved for Hitler himself, so they both know who's calling. Their faces turn pale, they look at each other with fear in their eyes. Finally one of them picks up the phone, puts it to his ear and listens. He says:

"Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhre...

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

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