A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.

He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."

The pastor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"

But nobody ever appreciates when I try and jerk them off

“Thou shalt wear a mask”

Hygenesis 20:20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Atti-la-lot

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Not to sound all holier-than-thou...

...but I need new socks worse than you do.

I Lost My Hat

One Sunday before a church service, a priest notices a man sitting in a pew who he has not seen in years.

The priest approaches and says, "Wow! I can't remember the last time I saw you here! What brings you here today?"

The man replies, "Good morning, father! Well you see, ten years ag...

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

Found the moron that doesn't know what "thou" means.

It's obviously you.

Jesus said "Come forth and thou shall receive everlasting life,"

I came fifth, and got a toaster

Does thou dear mother know thy are a horse?

Nay.

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

Hope it ain't a repost.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest w...

The bicycle [long]

Two priests were talking, when one of them tells the other that his brand new bicycle has been stolen. He says that it must have been a member of his congregation, as he last saw it at the church.

The other priest says, "This Sunday, during Service, have your congregation recite the Ten Comma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Catholic Priests...

Two Catholic Priests live on the opposite sides of town, and pass each other on their bikes on the way to Sunday Mass. One day, one of the priests was walking. So the other priest stopped.
"Father, where is your bike at?" "Well, I think it was stolen, and I don't know what to do."
The one prie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Did you hear that there's now an 11th commandment?

Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's wife.

There was this young minister that had just started his first preaching gig.

Like many younger folks he was environmentally-minded, and as such he rode a bicycle to church. After a month of preaching he finds his bike gone, and he thinks one of the members of the congregation stole it.

So he goes and talks to an older preacher to ask for advice. The wise minister tel...

Our church minister is still banging parishioners despite the pandemic...

Guess he never heard the commandment, "Thou shalt not covid they neighbor's wife".

The digit seven

A humorous answer to why handwritten digit 7 is commonly written stricken (I've recently read this joke in Russian and made a translation).

When Moses gathered the people at the Mount Sinai, started reading out the 10 commandments and reached the No. 7 (which reads "Thou shalt not commit ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The God came down..

.. and went to the Germans and said, “I have commandments for you that will make your lives better.”

“What are commandments?” The Germans asked.

“They are rules of living.”

“Can you give us an example?”

“Thou shalt not kill.”

“Not kill? Sorry, we’re not intere...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do n...

What did God say to Mike Pence in 2020?

Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor’s wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Moses was the one who received the Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?  We're not i...

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

I gave the woman next door the coronavirus.

Her husband's fuming.

And I feel morally guilty.

It goes against everything I was taught.

Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbour's wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God decides to spread his word

so he goes around the nations. He gets to the americans and tries to give a commandment to an american he meets.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
American: "What does it say?"
God: "Thou shalt not kill."
American: "In USA we kill to settle disputes. Murder, execution; that's ho...

Did you know everyone with coronavirus is a sinner?

The Bible reads: "Thou shalt not COVID."

The priest's missing bicycle

A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining:

\- Someone stole my bicycle!

The wise mayor responded:

\- Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach "Thou shalt no...

Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

A rabbi woke up one morning and couldn't find his bike.

After looking everywhere for it, he concluded that one of his parishioners stole it. He goes to the priest and explains his problem.
The priest says, "Why don't you gather all your men at your synagogue and read The Ten Commandments aloud. As soon as you get to "Thou shalt not steal" look everyb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic girl's prayer...

“O Virgin Mother, thou who did conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving.”

Even the Catholic Church is doing its part to combat the coronavirus.

They’re changing one of the commandments to, “thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God went to a Frenchman

He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'

'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied

'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God

'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.

'What are they like?' The Ge...

Rabbi and a priest

The rabbi said to the priest "why haven't I seen you riding your bicycle to mass lately?"

The priest replied that his bike had been stolen and he had been forced to walk to mass every day. "The worst part do it all" he said "is that I think someone from my congregation stole it."

The r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man is lost in a desert

A black man is lost in a desert and just before death God comes before him and asks him what he desires at this moment.

The black man says:" I want lots of water, lots of women on me and I want to be white."

God says:" You ask and thou shall recieve."

And God turns him into a t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

William Shakespeare takes a potion and is propelled into the modern age.

Smart as ever, he rapidly learns the global situation in politics and entertainment and even becomes highly Internet literate.
He discovers that a famous actress has been named after his wife Anne Hathaway. He decides she is extremely beautiful but wants to meet her in person to determine if s...

Jesus said unto his disciples

"Truthfully I speak when I say unto thou: y = x^2"


The disciples listened, conferred a bit between themselves, and Peter raises his head and says: "Lord, we don't understand"


"It's a parabola, you idiots"

I don't like Swiss cheese.

It's the way it's always holier than thou.

“Where’s your bicycle, Father?"

... I asked the parish priest. It was the first time I had seen him walking in years!

“Don’t know, I think it might have been stolen, but I'll know for sure on Sunday” he replied. “At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal’ I'll be watching...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forrest Gump passed away

... And he is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it is certainly good to see ye. We hath heard much of you.  I must inform thee that Heaven is filling up fast, and we hath been admin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
...

A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.

After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.

The son lifts his face from his palms and...

Old Redd Foxx Joke

There were these two preachers in a town who would ride their bikes to church on Sunday and would pass each other on the way. One Sunday, one of the preachers was on foot. The other preacher asked him what happened to his bicycle.

"I'm so mad!" he said. "Someone in my congregation stole my bi...

An upset man goes to see his Rabbi

"Rabbi, last week someone stole my bike from synagogue!" he says. The Rabbi is deeply upset by this, but offers a solution: "Next week, come to services, sit in the front row, and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. And when we get to 'Thou shalt not s...

My heroin-addicted friend

I used to have a great friend. As we grew older, he started doing heroin. Of course, this affected him pretty strongly. Eventually, he even started calling the injection his "God". Weird, I know, but that's just how he was.
Sadly, he passed away recently, although I guess that was to be expected....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is using an outhouse....

and is taking a pleasant dump one hot summer evening. As he finishes, he stands up, wipes, and begins to pull his pants up. As his pants are coming up a dollar and fifty cents falls out of his pocket and lands in the hole from which he has just risen. "Goddamnit!" he exclaims in anger as he hurriedl...

A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday...

One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?"
The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."

His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandment...

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

*The Hat*

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments.

Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going t...

First God created the world

Then he created all the plants and creatures upon it, and thereafter did he create man in his own image. Seeing that man was clever, God invented the alphabet and gave it to man for his use. But lo, God's alphabet had only 24 letters within it, and man was sorely angry, being unable to write some of...

Jesus said 'Love they neighbour'...

but one of the ten commandments is 'thou shalt not sleep with thy neighbour's wife', so this puts me in a bit of a predicament.

A man walks into a church....

before the service is due to start and says to the priest "Father, I wonder if you can help? I left my umbrella here last week and now I can't find it."

"Are you sure you left it here? I haven't seen any umbrellas left in the pews."

"Yes I'm certain Father."

"Well I don't want t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bible does not condemn homosexuality

The verse most people bring up is Leviticus 18:22, which says "Thou shall not lie with a man as thou would with a woman." This line has nothing to do with homosexuality.

What the verse actually means is that it's ok to lie when your wife asks if she looks fat but not when your buddy does.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Jesus and St. Peter are playing golf...

Peter takes a nice clean stroke landing safely on the green, ready for the putt.

Then Jesus comes up to stroke.

Jesus absolutely splits it. It goes directly into a water hazard, where it is then eaten by a fish.
"Pay up." Peter begins, but he is interrupted.
"Doth Thou doubtest t...

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

Once there was a friar named John

John was a simple man who only wanted to plant flowers. But most people did not care about John's flowers. They would step on them, ride horses over them, and do many other horrible things to poor John's flowers. One day, a child let his dog relieve himself in the flowers, and that was the final str...

Middle Ages Joke

Flower: I will droop my petals a little.

Aspiring gardener: THOU WILT NOT.

[religious] [nsfw] a priest is driving a nun home.

On the way, he puts his hand on her leg. Noticing this, the nun says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." The priest apologizes and returns his hand to the wheel.

A few minutes later he tries again, sliding his hand higher up her leg. Again, the nun says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." "The flesh ...

the cure for stealing

There is a pastor in a small town who is displeased to discover that someone has stolen his bicycle. It is a small town so he does not own a car and uses his bike to get everywhere. But more upsetting is the fact that he knows everyone in town, since they are all members of his congregation, and he ...

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Because thou art hot and maketh me want to take off my clothes.

A man went to college

A man from Alabama comes back to his hometown for a visit after his first year in college.

His friend meets up with him and asks what he learned from college?

Man: Well I learned biology for one.

Friend: Oh really? Speak in biology to prove it.

Man: Amoeba, nucleus, and ...

We find Jesus...

We find Jesus playing golf one beautiful cloud free day (as heaven is floating on clouds) He is joined by Moses and an elderly man wearing tacky old golf clothing.

Moses plays first, he swings his golf stick with precision befitting a man who has used a staff since dawn of humanity, the ball...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God sends an angel down from Heaven...

...To bring the commandments to the people of the world, first the angel visits the French and he says "I have these commandments for you, they'll make your lives better"

"Well, what are they?" asked the French

"Thou shalt not commit adultery" replied the angel

"Bah, we're not i...

The priest was walking down the street looking sad.

“What happened?” asked a parishioner.
“I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella.”
“Here’s what you do. Next sermon talk about the Ten Commandments and look around when you quote ‘Thou shall not steal’ and see who bows his head in shame.”

Next week the priest walks happi...

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments...

... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time.

So he travels to France. "Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God." The French say "Okay we'r...

An old priest goes golfing

An old priest goes golfing one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.

"That goddamn wind!" says the old pries...

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for ...

Calculus joke...

Two college professors are having lunch at a local diner.

John (a math professor) says "you know, it really is sad how very little the general population understands higher math."

Bill (a physics professor) responds "There you go again with your holier-than-thou attitude, I'm sure more...

Real Middle-aged Texting.

Man: "Fair maiden, wherest doth thou reside on this fair evening?"

Woman: "Good sir, I am trapped within the reside of mine parents"

Man: "Oh, mine love, how I wish mineself were trapped in thine reside so I could bury my face deep within thine bossom."

Woman: "Mine parents shal...

Nun 3

A priest is giving a young nun a lift home from church one day,  and as he’s shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun’s knee.

The young nun looked up at the priest and says, “Father, remember Luke 14:10.”

The priest withdraws his hand, embarrassed.Next time, they stop at a light, H...

A Sunday School Teacher . . .

A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four Nuns Died...

and went to Heaven. St Peter was there to greet them at the Pearly Gates. He looks at the four nuns and says, "Alright Sisters, I need you to line up and confess a sin to me before I can let you into heaven," as the 4 ladies begin to form a line.

St Peter begins, "Nun #1, what sin has thou co...

A carpenter and a priest were playing golf...

The carpenter swings, and misses. He yells "God damn it!"
The priest rebukes him "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain!"
The carpenter just waves him off, and swings again. And misses. "God DAMN it! Missed again!"
The priest exclaims "The Lord might strike you do...

In olden days,

when the gods were wont to take on human form and tarry with mortals, the Norse god of thunder, he of the hammer Mjölnir, espied a comely young Norsewoman and betook him to her bed. Being a god, he was able to "bring her to Valhalla" seven times over the course of the evening.

In the morning,...

A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital.

Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" The patient replies,

"Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe...

A preacher gives a sermon on the 10 Commandments ...

hoping that when he got to "Thou Shall Not Steal" whoever stole his bike would confess.

No one confessed.

But when he got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" he remembered where he left his bike.

Every Monday afternoon, a Catholic priest and an Anglican vicar meet up at the local pub for a drink and a chat.

One day, the vicar doesn't show up, but he DOES show up the next week. The priest asks him why he stood him up.

"You won't believe this, but someone stole my bicycle! I had to borrow a friend's."
"You might be able to find your old one, but how?" the priest wondered. After a minute of t...

A man was walking home one Sunday morning.

A man was walking home one Sunday morning. He had forgotten his hat, so when it started to rain, he ducked into a church. There were many hats and coats in the entryway and he was about to steal one of the hats when part of the sermon caught his attention and he decided not to.

The sermon end...

A man dies and appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates...

...St. Peter asks him, "Hast thou done anything that wishes to qualify to enter heaven?"

The man ponders and replies that he can think of one thing.

"One time these group of bikers were harassing this old lady, I told them to stop but they didn't, so I walked up to the biggest most hea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

old old lady walks into an adult store. .(NSFW)

she's really old, like 90+ old, she even shakes so she has to use a walker, as shaky as she was she approached the counter;

the attendant thou surprised that a lady that old would go to a adult store did his job.

attendant: hello, is there anything I can do for you?
old lady: yes, d...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.