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Thou Jokes

What be thou name sir knight?

Lost, King Arthur rode through a humble village on his way back from a quest. He finally came across a somewhat weathly looking man in the road and thought he'd perhaps give him directions.

Arthur:
"Sir Knight, what be thoust name?"

Man:
"Cumcisor... "
"Sir Cumcisor"
"An...

“Thou shalt wear a mask”

Hygenesis 20:20

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They say "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself"

But nobody ever appreciates when I try and jerk them off

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate

US: [translation] you're like summer... hot

Not to sound all holier-than-thou...

...but I need new socks worse than you do.

Jesus: love thou neighbor!

Me: how about I just stick with the neighbor's wife?

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

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Why Moses was the one who received the Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?  We're not i...

Does thou dear mother know thy are a horse?

Nay.

Found the moron that doesn't know what "thou" means.

It's obviously you.

A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.

So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.

Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me ...

Jesus said "Come forth and thou shall receive everlasting life,"

I came fifth, and got a toaster

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God went to a Frenchman

He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'

'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied

'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God

'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.

'What are they like?' The Ge...

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God decides to spread his word

so he goes around the nations. He gets to the americans and tries to give a commandment to an american he meets.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
American: "What does it say?"
God: "Thou shalt not kill."
American: "In USA we kill to settle disputes. Murder, execution; that's ho...

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

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A knight is riding on the road in search of adventures.

He sees the road splitting ahead of him, and next to the fork. a rock with some writing upon it. The knight dismounts and reads:

*Should thou go right, thou shalt lose thy steed. Should thou go left, thou shalt lose thy life. Should thou go straight ahead, thou shalt go fucking nuts.*

...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week’s sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially “thou shalt not steal”


Then he got to “thou shalt not commit adultery” and remembered where he left his bike.

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The Irish Sinner

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with yo...

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

I'm so sick of all these REPOSTS

For 25 years I have been working day and night to find the originator of the first joke. I think I may have found it in the original Hebrew Bible.

Adam spoketh to Eve and said, "Now see the mess thou has got us into. I should never have listened to you."

Eve replied, "How the hell was ...

Forgetful preacher...

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town.

Being quite young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

On...

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The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
...

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do n...

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have spoken to a ghost?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Paddy right at the back.
<...

The preacher's sermon was about the ten commandments.



When he got to "thou shalt not steal", he noticed that Scott was looking all around him, but when he got to "thou shalt not commit adultery", Scott started smiling.

After the service the preacher asked Scott what he was thinking during the sermon. Scott said, "When you talked about s...

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God sends an angel down from Heaven...

...To bring the commandments to the people of the world, first the angel visits the French and he says "I have these commandments for you, they'll make your lives better"

"Well, what are they?" asked the French

"Thou shalt not commit adultery" replied the angel

"Bah, we're not i...

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

The priest's missing bicycle

A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining:

\- Someone stole my bicycle!

The wise mayor responded:

\- Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach "Thou shalt no...

I gave the woman next door the Corona virus The husband was fuming, and I feel morally guilty

it goes against what I've been taught.

Thou shall no COVID the neighbors wife..

A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen

And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.

"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".

After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who ...

I can’t get my network printer to work

Oh Brother, where art thou?

The Church just added an 11th COMMANDMENT.

Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor.

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday...

One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?"
The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."

His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandment...

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Forrest Gump passed away

... And he is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it is certainly good to see ye. We hath heard much of you.  I must inform thee that Heaven is filling up fast, and we hath been admin...

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Why didn't Gandalf get hired at Hogwarts?

He kept telling the students,, "Thou shalt not pass."

We find Jesus...

We find Jesus playing golf one beautiful cloud free day (as heaven is floating on clouds) He is joined by Moses and an elderly man wearing tacky old golf clothing.

Moses plays first, he swings his golf stick with precision befitting a man who has used a staff since dawn of humanity, the ball...

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate releas...

the cure for stealing

There is a pastor in a small town who is displeased to discover that someone has stolen his bicycle. It is a small town so he does not own a car and uses his bike to get everywhere. But more upsetting is the fact that he knows everyone in town, since they are all members of his congregation, and he ...

IT dad jokes, anyone?

An old timer IT guy was asked to help one of his clients add a new printer. When he arrived on location, he jumped on the client’s computer and then asked what type of printer it was so he could find it.

The customer frowned, scratched his head, and said “I think it’s a Brother printer, that’...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said sh...

*The Hat*

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments.

Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going t...

I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy’s who has the exact same one

I figured he’d never suspect me…

The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..

I said I have to be honest…

I just came today specifically to take my buddy’s hat…

So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, espec...

There was this young minister that had just started his first preaching gig.

Like many younger folks he was environmentally-minded, and as such he rode a bicycle to church. After a month of preaching he finds his bike gone, and he thinks one of the members of the congregation stole it.

So he goes and talks to an older preacher to ask for advice. The wise minister tel...

One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins

After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'...

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Two Catholic Priests...

Two Catholic Priests live on the opposite sides of town, and pass each other on their bikes on the way to Sunday Mass. One day, one of the priests was walking. So the other priest stopped.
"Father, where is your bike at?" "Well, I think it was stolen, and I don't know what to do."
The one prie...

I Lost My Hat

One Sunday before a church service, a priest notices a man sitting in a pew who he has not seen in years.

The priest approaches and says, "Wow! I can't remember the last time I saw you here! What brings you here today?"

The man replies, "Good morning, father! Well you see, ten years ag...

A rabbi woke up one morning and couldn't find his bike.

After looking everywhere for it, he concluded that one of his parishioners stole it. He goes to the priest and explains his problem.
The priest says, "Why don't you gather all your men at your synagogue and read The Ten Commandments aloud. As soon as you get to "Thou shalt not steal" look everyb...

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

Important Lesson

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one lit...

Our church minister is still banging parishioners despite the pandemic...

Guess he never heard the commandment, "Thou shalt not covid they neighbor's wife".

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

Farmer lost his hat

A farmer wakes up Sunday morning and can't find his hat. It had been brutally hot lately, so he knew he couldn't work his fields without one. It was also a holiday weekend, so the hat shop in town wouldn't open until Tuesday morning.

Not wanting to lose those days of work, the farmer decided ...

Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

“Where’s your bicycle, Father?"

... I asked the parish priest. It was the first time I had seen him walking in years!

“Don’t know, I think it might have been stolen, but I'll know for sure on Sunday” he replied. “At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal’ I'll be watching...

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A man is using an outhouse....

and is taking a pleasant dump one hot summer evening. As he finishes, he stands up, wipes, and begins to pull his pants up. As his pants are coming up a dollar and fifty cents falls out of his pocket and lands in the hole from which he has just risen. "Goddamnit!" he exclaims in anger as he hurriedl...

A guy gets his bike stolen from synagogue...

He goes to see his rabbi one day and says,

"Rabbi you won't believe what happened to me! Last week someone stole my bicycle from synagogue!"

The rabbi is deeply upset by this, but after thinking for a moment he offers a solution:

"Next week come to services, sit in the fron row,...

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments...

... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time.

So he travels to France. "Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God." The French say "Okay we'r...

Did you know everyone with coronavirus is a sinner?

The Bible reads: "Thou shalt not COVID."

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

What did God say to Mike Pence in 2020?

Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor’s wife.

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A Catholic girl's prayer...

“O Virgin Mother, thou who did conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving.”

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for ...

Do me a favor, stay far from labor.

Remember, thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.

Even the Catholic Church is doing its part to combat the coronavirus.

They’re changing one of the commandments to, “thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.”

The priest was walking down the street looking sad.

“What happened?” asked a parishioner.
“I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella.”
“Here’s what you do. Next sermon talk about the Ten Commandments and look around when you quote ‘Thou shall not steal’ and see who bows his head in shame.”

Next week the priest walks happi...

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A black man is lost in a desert

A black man is lost in a desert and just before death God comes before him and asks him what he desires at this moment.

The black man says:" I want lots of water, lots of women on me and I want to be white."

God says:" You ask and thou shall recieve."

And God turns him into a t...

Old Redd Foxx Joke

There were these two preachers in a town who would ride their bikes to church on Sunday and would pass each other on the way. One Sunday, one of the preachers was on foot. The other preacher asked him what happened to his bicycle.

"I'm so mad!" he said. "Someone in my congregation stole my bi...

I don't like Swiss cheese.

It's the way it's always holier than thou.

(With apologies to George R.R. Martin) The temperature having finally gone up above freezing, an early spring rain began to wash away the effects of the Long Winter...

... but in the holdfast of a minor northern lordling, a small privy with several inches of still-frozen accumulation on its roof remained defiant against the downpour: "You'll never melt this! I shall keep my white mantle unto the end of days, by the Old Gods and the New!"

"No, it is inevitab...

The digit seven

A humorous answer to why handwritten digit 7 is commonly written stricken (I've recently read this joke in Russian and made a translation).

When Moses gathered the people at the Mount Sinai, started reading out the 10 commandments and reached the No. 7 (which reads "Thou shalt not commit ...

Jesus said unto his disciples

"Truthfully I speak when I say unto thou: y = x^2"


The disciples listened, conferred a bit between themselves, and Peter raises his head and says: "Lord, we don't understand"


"It's a parabola, you idiots"

A man walks into a church....

before the service is due to start and says to the priest "Father, I wonder if you can help? I left my umbrella here last week and now I can't find it."

"Are you sure you left it here? I haven't seen any umbrellas left in the pews."

"Yes I'm certain Father."

"Well I don't want t...

There was a man lost his favorite hat.

There was a man lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher saw him walk in, and escorted him directly to a pew. The man was too embarrassed to get up right away, so he sat and listened ...

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

Every Monday afternoon, a Catholic priest and an Anglican vicar meet up at the local pub for a drink and a chat.

One day, the vicar doesn't show up, but he DOES show up the next week. The priest asks him why he stood him up.

"You won't believe this, but someone stole my bicycle! I had to borrow a friend's."
"You might be able to find your old one, but how?" the priest wondered. After a minute of t...

Jesus said 'Love they neighbour'...

but one of the ten commandments is 'thou shalt not sleep with thy neighbour's wife', so this puts me in a bit of a predicament.

The bicycle [long]

Two priests were talking, when one of them tells the other that his brand new bicycle has been stolen. He says that it must have been a member of his congregation, as he last saw it at the church.

The other priest says, "This Sunday, during Service, have your congregation recite the Ten Comma...

In olden days,

when the gods were wont to take on human form and tarry with mortals, the Norse god of thunder, he of the hammer Mjölnir, espied a comely young Norsewoman and betook him to her bed. Being a god, he was able to "bring her to Valhalla" seven times over the course of the evening.

In the morning,...

Middle Ages Joke

Flower: I will droop my petals a little.

Aspiring gardener: THOU WILT NOT.

A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.

After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.

The son lifts his face from his palms and...

My heroin-addicted friend

I used to have a great friend. As we grew older, he started doing heroin. Of course, this affected him pretty strongly. Eventually, he even started calling the injection his "God". Weird, I know, but that's just how he was.
Sadly, he passed away recently, although I guess that was to be expected....

Once there was a friar named John

John was a simple man who only wanted to plant flowers. But most people did not care about John's flowers. They would step on them, ride horses over them, and do many other horrible things to poor John's flowers. One day, a child let his dog relieve himself in the flowers, and that was the final str...

Two vicars are talking on the street

"my bicycle was stolen from outside the church"

"have you thought about the police?

"I don't think the police would do a thing like that.. I'm joking, it was probably one of the churchgoers"

"I have an idea. In your next sermon, read out the ten commandments. when you get to, 't...

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Four Nuns Died...

and went to Heaven. St Peter was there to greet them at the Pearly Gates. He looks at the four nuns and says, "Alright Sisters, I need you to line up and confess a sin to me before I can let you into heaven," as the 4 ladies begin to form a line.

St Peter begins, "Nun #1, what sin has thou co...

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