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Banks need to be better at restocking these ATMs at Xmas….

This is the 5 th one I have been to that said insufficient funds

I bought my wife a Ferrari for Xmas.She said that's no good to me,I want something that does 0-to-160 in less than 3 seconds.

So I bought her bathroom scales.

Twas the night before xmas and everyone was feeling merry

Merry got disgusted and went home

The sweater my wife gave me for Xmas was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

I got a jigsaw puzzle for xmas. It said on the box "3yrs+"

but I finished it in only 3 days!

My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas.

I said, you're kidding me.

The day after xmas a man is incredibly drunk after promising his wife he wouldn't drink, and stands up to go home ...

SMASH .. He smashes face-first down on the ground, he's so wasted. He grabs a bar stool and drags himself up to the bar, resting his weight against it for a second and makes a move for the door.

'SMACK' straight down onto the floor again, crawls to the door, and spend the next 50 minutes get...

What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet.

Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L

Going through the loft and found some Xmas presents from last year

A real shame about that dog for the kids...

My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg.

It's just a stocking filler

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My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

Wow!! it is almost Xmas. I can't believe where the year has gone....

It seemed to have Zoomed by.

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My friend called me a cunt because i always buy him socks for Xmas

I said, " You bastard, its the thought that counts".

I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Xmas?

He felt his presents.

Went to buy a Xmas tree today, got chatting to the guy behind the counter, asked if I was going to put it up myself

I have to admit, I’ve tried a lot of things but that sounds particularly painful

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For Xmas I had the words “ I love you” tattooed on my dick

My wife said


Stop trying to put words in my mouth

50 cent gave Eminem a really high quality sweater for xmas. EMINEM was super thankful and said to him

GEE, YOU KNIT.

Who knew.

I just burned 2000 calories after my xmas feast

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

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Xmas shopping manners

I was in the ASDA today with 2 trollies of ale when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?” She said “yeah” I did the decent thing and said “if I were you I'd fuck off to another till, I'm gonna be ages”

Got an echo dot for xmas, I asked her to play some white noise to help me sleep.

Alex started playing Eminem.

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What did the rug say to the Xmas tree?

Your balls are hanging.

NEW XMAS SONG CONTROVERSY

The media is reporting that the Xmas song, 'All I Want For Christmas is my Two Front Teeth' as being offensive to rednecks

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So there is this one time when a rich man came accross a poor man in a stall on xmas.

The poor man asked, "so what present are you gonna give your wife this year?"

To which the rich man responded, "a diamond ring and a lamborghini."

"why those two things?" asked the poor man in confusion.

"Well, because if she doesn't like the ring, she can use the lamborghini to...

Why their are Angels on top of the Xmas Tree

Have you ever wondered how the tradition of putting an angel on the tree started? It may not be as magical as you might think,

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

T...

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Got the wife a plunger for xmas...

Cause she loves to bring up old shit.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

My wife wanted to watch a movie, I suggested Die Hard, which I borrowed from our 70 y.o neighbor Mr. Murry Habitt back in xmas. I said :

Old Habitt's Die Hard

What is Mrs. Claus supposed to get the man with everything for Xmas?

The bill

My Dad's favourite joke to tell over Xmas dinner

Part 1:

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants walking by?
A: Look, there go the elephants

Part 2:

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants walking by with sunglasses on?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognise them

Part 3:

Q: What did Tarzan do whe...

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

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I just bought a Xmas tree.

The sales assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

I replied "No you sick bastard. It's going in the living room.

It was Xmas Eve and I could hear faint Latin rhythms and long guitar notes coming from behind the fireplace.

Santana was stuck up the chimney.

What did Jefferey Dahmer's mom say when he passed the meat at Xmas dinner?

Jeff, you know I don't like your friends.

Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas.

The front says "I will do anything for love"

On the rear it says "but I won't do that"

A romantic Xmas shopping trip

A husband and wife go shopping for Xmas presents. After a couple of hours of scouring the shelves at the big department store, the wife realised she couldn’t see her husband anywhere. She phoned him to find out where he is.
 

*“Sorry dear, I wanted to go and get you a surprise Xm...

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Merry Xmas in advance. Kind Of

Father of all non veg:

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

Surprised father answered- 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?

In her 30's to 40's,...

What does a Transvestite do on Xmas day?

Eat, drink and be Mary.

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I’ve decided what to get the wife for xmas

She’s going to get a pair of socks, and a dildo. If she doesn’t like the socks, she can go fuck herself.

We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?

Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

Family xmas problem solved

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of ea...

Our Xmas dinner also happens to be my New Year's resolution

Bone-less turkey

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Xmas morning finally came, and little timmy was so excited...

... We he opened his present and found the train set he had wanted. After the gifts were finished, he set it up while his mother went to cook dinner.

From the kitchen she hears him start up the train, then all of a sudden it comes to a stop, she hear her son say "alright, all you bitches and ...

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A guy buys his wife 2 Xmas presents...

The wife opens the first present...
"Oh, a pair of slippers", she says as she quickly moves on to the second present.
"A vibrator?" she says in shock.
"Yeah", says the husband. "If you don't like the slippers you can go fuck yourself".

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Young Paddy

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good qua...

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey Xmas CD, and now it's fine.

My Grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses.

On Xmas Day she was drinking straight out of the bottle

Walkers have brought out some new flavours for christmas this year

Along with pigs in blankets and glazed ham flavours, they have the more realistic xmas joys like Brussels sprout flavour.
Ungrateful child flavour, moaning resentful relative flavour, and my personal favourite, drunken row and domestic violence flavour .

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Alf and Doris have been married for 50 years

Every morning throughout those 50 years Alf has woken himself and Doris up by doing the worlds biggest fart. The violent and clockwork nature of Alf’s farting seemed to be an inhuman ability and Doris constantly warned Alf that one day he would fart his guts right out into his shorts.
 ...

What do you call someone who would do *anything* for a chocolate snack cake?

A ho ho ho.


(merry xmas!)

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Little Timmy is in bed and hears a noise

Its the week before Xmas, he gets out of bed and walks down the hallway to his parents room. He opens the door and he see's his Dad taking his Mom doggystyle. Dad notices Timmy, looks down, winks and says;

"Back to bed lad, theres a good boy"

And off Timmy goes...

A few days lat...

I was in Sainsburys earlier today

And a dear old lady at the front of the checkout queue had just had her trolley full of Xmas shopping scanned. The bill came to £61.17. She emptied all her notes & coins onto the counter & with the help of the checkout girl began counting it all up. It came to £59.85. She then started sobbin...

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A woman has three applicants for one job ...

After exhaustive testing, interviewing and HR profiling they are still in a dead heat.

Finally she decides to go with what Easter means to each one. Just a random question that may give her insight to offer one of them the job.

The first applicant, scratches his head and says "that's...

What has eight arms and tells the time?

A clocktopus

Shoutout to the popper from my Xmas dinner

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