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Santa Claus Jokes

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.

A child asked Santa Claus

“How did your reindeer get their names?”



Santa replied, “I named them after memories, like pranced frolicking through the snow!”


“What about Donner?” the child asked.


A shadow settled on Santa’s face, and after a moment he began: “The year was 1847, and snowfal...

Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause

It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.

Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

There are four stages in your life involving Santa Claus.

First you believe in Santa Claus, then you don't believe in Santa Claus, then you are Santa Claus to your family, and then you look like Santa Claus.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after three Hoes

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”

Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, please send me your mother.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Santa Claus"

A girl is sitting at the edge of a tall building, contemplating suicide on Christmas day. Santa Claus sees the girl and sits down beside her.

"What's wrong my child?" asks the man.

"I have no job, no friends and no one who loves me and today i'm reminded of this even more.. there's no ...

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

What do you call a Santa Claus who cannot afford to give gifts?

Saint Nickelless.

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

Ladies! Please stop asking Santa Claus for the perfect man!

I almost got kidnapped 3 times today!

I can relate to Santa Claus...

I'm old
I'm fat
And no one believes in me

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A prostitute and Santa Claus

A prostitute walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "So, what did you ask Santa for this year?" the bartender asks. "$30," the prostitute replies, "just like everyone else."

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms.

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don’t believe in Santa.

3) You pretend to be Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

What do you get when you imprison Santa Claus?

Nicholas Caged

Santa Claus gets captured and interrogated by the KGB

“You are a very suspicious man. Who did you say you are?”

“I’m Father Christmas.”

“Then who is this Santa?”

“Oh that’s also me, I have many names, ho ho ho!”

“So you are a spy then? And what kind of jet is that? It is not detectable by our radars.”

“You mean the sl...

Why did Santa Claus wash his clothes in Tide?

It was too cold out Tide.

What style of potato chips does Santa Claus like best?

Kringle Cut

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

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Santa Claus breaks down in the hood

So, one Christmas Santa Claus's sleigh broke down in the hood, around a bunch of hookers, and Santa Claus got knocked the fuck out, and the cops rolled up and asked what happened, and the hooker said, ain't nobody gonna be callin me a hoe 3 times

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

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What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?

Santa goes *down* the chimney.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Krampus?

Santa comes once a year and loves everyone, the Krampus comes once a month and hates women.

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

I was chatting with my Finnish friend the other day...

I asked him where his favorite part of Finland was.

He said "Hyvä kysymys! I really like Rovaniemi for the Santa Claus Village!"

I asked him "Hyvä kysymys? What's that?"

All he said was "Good question!"

It's been a week and he still hasn't told me what it means.

(I...

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?

The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

What do you call a person who doesn't believe in Santa Clause?

Eggnog-stic.

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

Santa Claus is near

I can sense his presents

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

How can Santa Claus possibly practice social distancing?

He stays at least 6 feet away from his HO HO HO’s!

What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenaged boy?

They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.

You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture?

In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Santa Clause?

Santa stops after 3 ho’s.

Santa Claus, a blind guy, and an honest corporate executive approach a dollar on the sidewalk. Who picks it up first?

None of them, because the blind guy wouldn't see it, and the other two don't exist.

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus

He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

You know, I’ve never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I’ve never seen my Dad.

Where does Santa Clause stay when traveling?

In the Ho Ho Hotel

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

What does the Egyptian Santa Clause say when he enters a child's house?

I come bearing glyphs

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

I asked Santa Claus what three gifts he would like to share with his wife for Christmas, and all he said was a...

Ho Ho Ho.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa Claus is such and arsehole

He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....

Do you know why santa clause is always so happy?

Cause of all his ho’s

Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa Claus

One day, a young women, who was 25, was standing at the edge of a bridge ready to jump. It was Christmas Eve. Then a man dressed in a Santa Claus outfit came up and asked "What's wrong?". She replied with "My husband died, I lost my job, I have no family, and I've run out of money." The man then sai...

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

Last Christmas Santa Claus got stuck in a particularly narrow chimney

He suffered from Claus Trophobia.

Santa Claus must be Asian..

That's why all of his toys say "Made in China."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is Santa Claus?

Because if in Spanish, "Santo" or "San" is used for male saints...
(San Francisco, San Diego)
And "Santa" is used for female saints...
(Santa Monica, Santa Barbara)
Wouldn't that make Santa Claus transsexual?

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

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