Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?

Because he comes once a year, and is down your chimney.

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

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The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

Santa Claus is near

I can sense his presents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa Claus goes down a chimney to find an older woman laying on the couch in a bath robe..

She says to him, “Santa can you stay with me tonight, please?”
Santa says, “no no no, gotta go. Gotta deliver presents to all the boys and girls”
She takes her bath robe off to reveal that she’s wearing lingerie underneath and asks Santa, “Santa would you please stay the night with me?”
San...

What did Mrs. Claus said when Santa Claus asked how is the weather?

"It looks like rain dear!"

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

- removed -

You know how Santa Claus is different in each culture?

In pirate culture he’s called shanty claus

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

Dad, is it true that Santa Claus and St.Nick are the same person?

Yes, son. That’s just his nick name...

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

My son wrote to Santa Claus asking him for his divorced parents to be reunited

What a terrible way to find out Santa isn't real

What do Santa Claus and Micheal Jackson have in common?

They both leave kids' rooms with empty sacks

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I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

What’s the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?

One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty women live.

Last Christmas Santa Claus got stuck in a particularly narrow chimney

He suffered from Claus Trophobia.

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Why doesn't Santa Claus masturbate on Christmas?

Because he doesn't exist.

Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

Why does Santa Clause hate Darth Vader?

He's always feeling his presents.

I remember being a kid, just laying in bed, waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then that awkward silence when he got dressed and left....

What does Santa Claus do when Ms. Claus isn't home?

Ho Ho Hoes

What do Santa Claus and pop-up ads have in common?

They both know there are naughty girls in my area!

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three HOs

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

Why is santa Claus a man?

Because no women will wear the same dress every year!

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

Why did Santa Claus shoes break?

...because he had so many missile toes.

When I was a kid on Christmas nights I used to wait for Santa Claus to come

Then he would zip his pants up and give me my presents.

What do Santa Claus and my dad have in common?

I’ve never met the real one...

How old is Santa Claus?

The same age as your father.

What's Santa Claus's favorite recreational drug?

Candycain

*badum*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Santa Claus say the three prostitutes?

Merry Christmas.

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

You know, I’ve never seen my Dad and Santa Claus in the same room

Come to think of it, actually, I’ve never seen my Dad.

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

What did Santa Claus say when he met the Kardashian sisters?

Ho Ho Ho

Where does Santa Clause stay when traveling?

In the Ho Ho Hotel

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus

He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

Do you know why santa clause is always so happy?

Cause of all his ho’s

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

I used to think that song meant Mommy was cheating on Daddy. Now I know it means Mommy and Daddy are just into role play.

How does Santa Claus get so much work done on Christmas Eve?

He sleighs all day.

What does a Janitor have in common with Santa Claus?

Leave out some cookies for them and you'll receive better treatment.

What kind of medal would Santa Claus win?

A Noel Prize

If michael jackson was dressed as santa claus how would he get in your house?

Down the chimi-NE-HE!

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"Santa Claus"

A girl is sitting at the edge of a tall building, contemplating suicide on Christmas day. Santa Claus sees the girl and sits down beside her.

"What's wrong my child?" asks the man.

"I have no job, no friends and no one who loves me and today i'm reminded of this even more.. there's no ...

Which type of liquor does Santa Claus smell like?

It depends on which mall you're at.

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?

They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)

The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl waiting for him.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl in pajamas waiting for him.

The little girl is excited to see Santa and says "Santa Clause wont you stay and play with me?"

Santa, being a busy man says "Ho, Ho, Ho, I've got to go, there are plenty of ...

How do you call someone who is afraid of santa claus?

Claustrophobic

What did Santa Claus say when he heard Mrs Claus had been cheating on him?

Hoe hoe hoe

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