This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

Saving a Christian

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

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He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

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He said, “Yes.”

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I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

&#x200...

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as ...

My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian

They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”

An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked ...

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

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A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar

Spanish Inquisition

After many faithful years as a Christian, John's dedication finally paid off as he found himself the girl of his dreams.

At the wedding he walks over to his best friend for advice.
"Hey man! What is it that I'm supposed to do when I get her all alone after the wedding?"
"Ah, that's simple. You just take your most prized-possession and stick it in where she pees."
"Ah! Thanks dude!"
"No problem!" ...

A Jewish man sent his son to Jerusalem for vacation.

Upon his son's return, the father finds out that his son has turned Christian!

So, the father goes to his friend for emotional support. He says “Ethan, I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian”!

“That’s odd...” His friend said, “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, a...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

A Christian, a Jew, a Pagan, a Muslim, and an atheist walk into a cafe

They drink coffee and have a reasonable, mild-mannered conversation because they're adults.

What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?

“You crossed the wrong guy”



I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it

The Muslim kid who went to a Christian school.

There was this Muslim family who went to a regular public school. Their child wasn’t doing well in school. They thought he needed more attention, so they put him in a private Christian school. When he went there, his grades skyrocketed, and as soon as he got home he would run up to his room and stud...

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Why does Jesus hate Christian rock?

#Because it fucking sucks.

A Christian, an Athiest, and a Vegan walk into a bar...

How do you know? Because they all told you

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A Jewish man and a Christian man are on a plane

On this plane, they have a debate about which religion is more valid. Neither manages to convince the other, but it was a nice friendly conversation. Suddenly, the plane starts to smoke, and ends up crashing in the ocean. Once they're on the safety raft, and the Christian sees the Jewish man cross h...

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There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You for...

I was born Christian.

Then I changed my name when I was old enough.

TIL Christian bands have a favourite chord.

G sus

I used to be a Christian

Woman: I used to be Christian.

Man: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Woman: Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

How many good Christian women are there?

There are nun.

A group of Christians are tasked with changing a lightbulb.

The Charismatic changes it easily; his hands are already up.

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The Roman Catholic refuses; he prefers candles.

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The Pentecostal changes it while his friends pray against the Lord of Darkness.

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The Christian Scientist can't,...

I have a Christian friend who only eats fish

He’s a prescyterian

"I used to be a Christian"

The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?"
The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew, and an atheist go to a coffee shop

A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew and an atheist go to a coffee shop ... and they communicate, have fun, drink coffee, and become good friends. This is what happens when people are not assholes.

A doctor, priest, policeman, dog, Christian, comedian, blind man, Rabbi, firefighter, and Amy Schumer walk into a bar.

The bartender sighs and says, "My life is a joke."

Three christian missionaries stumble upon a cannibal tribe in a tropical jungle

They are immediately captured, and taken back to the village.

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The first missionary is brought in front of the chief, who amazingly speaks good English.

He tells the first missionary, "head out into the jungle, find a single fruit, and bring ten of its kind back. Don...

Yesterday I found $50 on the street and as a good christian I thought, What would Jesus do...

So I died

As a Christian I always take the holy bible into the bathroom to read

And I don't stop till all Acts are done

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit."
They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys."
The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone g...

A detective ask a Christian after him saved a couple from house fire....

Detective : "You're a brave. Not everyone has courageous to jump in a burning house like you".

Christian smile: "It's my duty as a Christian to save other."

Detective : " So do you know why this house suddenly caught on fire?"

Christian : " 5 years ago when they moved in here , ...

A Christian Arab was talking to a Muslim Arab...

They were both arguing on why wine is not allowed. While they were talking the Muslim Arab's wife brought out grapes.

The Christian Man pointed at the grapes and said "the wine comes from the grape so what is the difference".

Next to the Christian man sat his wife and daughter. The Ar...

Two prawns called Christian and Terry are out for their morning swim.

Soon they happen upon a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wi...

Why do Christians hate science?

They always think of it as two Adams bonding.

Christians don't get angry.

They get cross.

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My girlfriend’s parents don’t like me because I’m not Christian.

I’m religious,.

They just like that son of a bitch Christian more.

Why are christians not able to do trigonometry?

Because Jesus took away their sin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish guy sat down opposite a Christian man in front of the church,

As services began, people walked in and stared down the Jew. They then put *obviously* large bills into the Christian man’s plate. This went on for a few days until the priest decided to help the Jew out. “Son. I don’t really think this is a great place for you to try and collect money. Maybe go in ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was talking to a Christian the other day...

He said gay sex is wrong in his eyes. I told him your supposed to put it in your bum.

I've got a Christian mobile

It's pray as you go

A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man.

Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.

A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they have 17 children over the course of 22 years. The woman'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shower sex is like Christian rock

It sounds exciting at first but then it's just awkward and disappointing

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, “We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.”

The Muslim says, “No no no. Whate...

One day every Christian woman on the earth became pregnant

Millions of women suddenly all become pregnant at once, the odd thing was that all of the newly pregnant women were Christian so the pope decided to hold a press conference the next day

A man stood up in the crowd and said "look we all know why we're here, do you have any idea why all your fe...

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm ...

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy.

Suddenly, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they start talking about how they came to their respective faiths. The Christian tells his story first: "One day I was traveling across the Atlantic Ocean when we got caught in a terrible rainstorm. I had lost complete control of the ship, so I got down on my knees and prayed to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Breaking: Evangelical Christian scientists have devised "a cure for homosexuality"!

One problem: It's a repeat-application suppository

"i used to be a Christian"

She said to her boyfriend, he replies "that's ok, I don't mind" relieved she says "oh that's great, I'm so much more comfortable being Christine"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do Christians hate Gays..?

Cos the last time a dude got nailed..

A Buddhist, a Christian, and a Muslim are standing on the top of a cliff.

The Buddhist says, "If I jump, Buddha will save me" and he jumps. As he's flying toward his doom, he's yelling "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!" When he is about to hit the ground, a large hand swoops in and carries him to safety.

The Christian, seeing this, says, "If Buddha saved the Buddhis...

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

A nice Christian joke

A man asks his wife to make him coffee, she refuses and states that he should instead make her coffee. He asks her why he should make her coffee and she says it's because the Bible says so. He states that if she can proove that the Bible says so he will fold and make her a cup of coffee. So she take...

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said...

America is like a Christian

They think heaven is above them and hell is below them

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

To combat drug addiction, Christians are now rebranding herion as "Jesus"

One should never take the Lord's name in vein.

I got banned from a Christian dating site

I suppose "hung like Jesus" *was* a poor choice for a username.

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up...

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Nun. They'll sit in the dark ages.

I don't know why Christians are so hard on unwed teen mothers.

I mean, Jesus turned out alright.

What do you call a gun loving, Christian rock band?

Guns N' Moses

What's the hardest thing about growing up Christian in Alabama?

You don't know which father is going to give it to you first.

A Muslim and a Christian had a disagreement in a bar...

...so they talked it over and resolved their differences because they are both Canadians.

A Christian man ends up on a deserted island...

He is stranded there for a few years until a rescue boat finds him. When the rescuers get onto the island, they are amazed to see what the man has built to survive. The man had built three different structures out of bamboo and leaves. They asked the man what the first structure was. The man said,”T...

A new heavy metal Christian Rock band has started up.

They're called Nuns 'n' Moses

2 Christians are lost in the Arabian desert

The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water. The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day. The second day and night are even worse.

On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque. "We're saved!" exclaims one. The othe...

I finally joined Christian mingle..

my user name is comegetpsalm

Why can't Christians stay in court longer than a week?

Because on the seventh day they rest their case.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus fed 2000 Christians with 2 fishes and 5 loaves of bread

Adolf made 6 million Jews toast.

Earlier today I told my Christian friend to “Have a Good Friday.” He didn’t catch my pun.

I’m not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head.

When England settled her colonies how come America got Christian zealots and Australia got convicts?

Australia got first pick.

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew walks into a church during services, and begins to pray

He puts on his tallis (a Jewish garb for praying), takes out a prayerbook, and recites the beginning of the traditional service. A clergyman notices the Jew, and, bewildered, says, "Will all non-christians please leave."

The Jewish man just continues his prayer, not paying any attention to th...

Did you hear about the guy swindling women by pretending to be Christian Grey

Turns out he was a Con Dom.

My friends asked me why I haven’t tried to get in bed with my Christian girlfriend yet...

I told them “ If I nailed her, Jesus would be crossed”