UPJOKE
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I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.



The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.


...

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

How do you exclude a Christian?

Include everybody like Jesus would do.

What do Christians and mice have in common?

They both worship cheeses

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

Why are there no Christian camels?

They don't have bibles

My friend is from another culture, and he’ll ask me questions about Christianity

Like this one time, he was confused about the story of the birth of Jesus.

“Why was the mob involved?

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Says right here, that there were three wise guys there.”

(Edited thanks to u/soveranol for the better joke)

What do you call a Christian who lost their faith?

Holy Ghosted.

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"

"I'm gonna do it," one guy tells the other and disappears through the church door.

5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you ...

A Christian missionary goes to proselytize in Africa and gets lost

So he goes aimlessly through thick forest and stumbles upon a lion. He gets scared the lion will eat him so he starts praying to God to protect him from the lion. Then, suddenly, he sees the lion praying as well!



He gets relieved and tells the lion: Brother! I didn't know you're a bel...

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]

At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a Mormon wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

At a United Church wedding, the minister is pregnant.

At a Unitarian wedding, the minister and her wife are both pregnant.

*Adapted poorly from a joke about Jewish denominat...

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What do Christianity and Mexican pornography have in common?

The coming of Jesus

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

A pastor walked by a ranch when he noticed a sign, "Christian Horse for Sale"

Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.

He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." Th...

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

How to Convince an Orthodox Christian Family to get a Dog?

Tell them it's a Cross Breed.

What is a Christian's favorite chord?

Gsus

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A Muslim and a Christian get into a fight.

Christian: ever seen a cross? I’m gonna shove one up your ass.
Muslim: oh yeah?? Shove the five daily prayers up your ass.
Christian: WTF are the five daily prayers?
Muslim: they’re a pillar of Islam.

(hope it translates well, It’s more hilarious in Farsi)

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

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Two beggars are sitting on a sidewalk in Rome.

One is wearing a large cross, has rosary beads in his hand, and has a picture of the Virgin Mary. The other is wearing a kippah and tzitzit, and has a beard and side curls. The first is getting tons of money, but the second is hardly getting any. A priest comes to the second beggar, and says "you kn...

A devout Christian is about to be attacked by a bear and prays.

“Lord, give that barbaric bear your teachings."

The bear is moved, and suddenly puts his hands together and speaks!

"Heavenly father, thank you for feeding us today."

My dad is a huge fan of Christian screamo...

Whenever he's out working on his car he always singing along like "JESUS CHRIST!" "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"

The Jewish God, The Christian God, and The Muslim God Walk Into a Bar

The bartender says "Hello, Yahweh!"

The Christian horse.

A man was driving down the long highway in his car. All of a sudden his car broke down.

The man walked for a while and ended up at a farm. As he was trying to find the owner of the farm, he spotted one horse and wanted to see if he could borrow the horse. He met with the farmer and asked him...

A Christian missionary walks through the savannah when he suddenly encounters two lions.

The two lions seem to be hungry, so the missionary does the thing he knows best. He kneels down and prays: "Please god make faithful Christians out of these lions."

He looks up and witnesses the two lions lying on the floor with folded paws speaking:

"God is great!

God is good!...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

What do you call a Christian Mingle date who never returned your message?

The Holy Ghost.

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Jewish friend sent this to me

A jewish guy sends his son to Israel, and he comes back home christian. The man thinks this is odd so he tells his friend about it.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel when he was Jewish and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them wen...

Three Christian men from India died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The East Indian fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Sai...

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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Is it wrong for a Christian to have sex before you're married?

Only if it makes you late for the ceremony.

U know why Christians call the preist 'Father' ?

Cuz calling them Daddy would be too suspicious.

Saving a Christian.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

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A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks

And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.

This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse.

On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out.

When Bill got to the ranch, the horse's owner said "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'amen' to make him stop." Bill got on the horse and said "praise the Lord." the horse started to...

As a life long devout Christian, and after many struggles in the past 2 years especially I'm so glad my faith in God has not wavered one bit and he has answered every single one of my prayers

They seemed to all be no.

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An atheist dies and goes to hell...

...and notices he's in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he's then greeted by Satan who says "sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here mate."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of...

A Jewish man's son decides he is going to convert to Christianity....

The father is quite distressed about this, and decides to ask a Jewish friend of his for advice."It's funny you should come to me," his friend says, "because my son did the same thing, not even a month after moving out on his own. I was probably more upset than you seem to be, but I eventually reali...

2 Christians in the Sahara

Were lost and looking for food/water. They found in the middle of the day a small city with a mosque in its entrance. The two men decided to go look for charity there. Before going in they had a discussion:
Man 1: I don't think they will provide us with food knowing that we're Christians, I'll sa...

Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"

They also do takeaways.

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

What do you call a Christian who studies fossils?

An Episcopaleontologist.

In a small town there was a poor Christian old lady. She was always asking the God to bring her groceries. One day her not Christian neighbor went out and secretly bought the lady groceries…

As the lady saw the groceries she rejoiced and thanked the lord. The neighbor was fed up and told the old lady that God did not bring her groceries he did. She yelled thank you Lord for bringing me groceries and making the devil pay for them.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

What do you call a dyslexic Russian Christian priest

Unorthodox!

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There was an earthquake, and the Christian Brothers Monastery was levelled.

All fifty brothers were transported to Heaven at the one time.

at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said "Let's go through the entry test as a group. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands shot up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go to Pur...

What do you call a blind batman?

Christian Braille

A Rabbi, A pundit and a Priest

A rabbi, a pundit and a priest once decided to put their skills to the test,
so they challenged each other...the challenge was who could convert a bear

They all met a few days later.....the pundit n priest were ok but the rabbi was in a full body cast...

so started the pundit...gues...

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Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

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A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.

And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.

I joined a Christian dating site

And got Holy Ghosted

What do Christians say before eating a salad ?

Lettuce pray

An atheist and a Christian go golfing.

On his very first shot, The atheist shanks the ball and angrily shouts, “God Damnit, I missed!”

Then the Christian warns the Atheist, “you should be careful with your words.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

So they continue playing, many times though out the day, The atheist would miss a shot and...

Christians say "Jesus"

Ancient Greek women say "Hey Zeus"

Christians go to church and have to pay tithings

But Atheism is a non prophet organization.

I just found out my favorite arcade game used Christian music from the 1800s Finland in the background.

Yeah. Mortal Kombat used Finnish Hymns

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A certain talk.

One day a vicar bumped into the headmistress of an exclusive girls' school.
"O Vicar, our girls are a certain age and we would like them to to have a Christian perspective on sex. Will you talk to them next Tuesday afternoon?"

The vicar agreed and decided he had better put the talk on his ...

There were two beggars...........

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the be...

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What does a Christian Sex-Ed teacher drink?

Abstininth

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The pope decided to kick out all the Jews from Italy

So one day the pope decided to kick out all the Jews in Italy, and of course the Jews had a thing or two to say about that.

After much uproar the pope relented and said "take 3 days to find your most wisest rabbi and he and I will have a silent battle of knowledge. If I win you leave, if you ...

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

My girlfriend told me "I used to be Christian"

"That's fine" I replied "I don't see why that would bother me"

"Good" She said "because I'm so much happier as Christina"

Christian people are boycotting eggnog this year

They heard if you drink it, you become eggnostic

A Protestant missionary is in India trying to convert Hindus to Christianity

He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.

He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.

"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"

"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"

The missionary tol...

Who was responsible for Christianity really taking off?

Pontious Pilate

What did Batman’s friends say when he ditched them

Christian Bailed

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

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A Jew walks into a Christian church.

Avram went into a Church, took out his Tallis, placed it over his yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. the clergyman entered to start services, "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued praying. Finally the angered clergyman moved toward Avram, "Will all JEWS please leave." At this, Avram ...

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

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How would a Christian Hooker Pray?

Please Good Lord Jizz us

What do you get when you mix a crack head with a Christian?

A Crystal Methodist.

What did the Christian say when he found out about all the corruption in the Church?

*"I think I'm gonna be Sikh."*

One night a humble cobbler and devout Christian was praying when suddenly he heard a voice booming in his head.

"I am the Lord thy God. For offering the one trillionth prayer, I will answer three questions."

The cobbler decided he must think carefully about his questions so that he could do justice to God's message to His creation. After thinking for a bit, he managed to whisper, "Is it true that you m...

A mugger holds a Christian girl walking down a lonely alley at knifepoint.

Mugger: "Gimme all you've got and I'll spare your life!"

Christian: "Please don't hurt me! You can take my wallet, my phone, my jewellery, just leave me my bible!"

*mugger takes phone, wallet, and jewellery, leaving her the Bible. runs away to avoid witnesses*

Christian: "What a...

Just got out of a relationship where He said that if I don’t love him my life will be miserable and I will suffer forever.

That’s why I’m converting out of Christianity.

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...

How do you identify a Christian extremist YouTube video without watching it?

It has 665 likes.

A Nun and a Priest get caught in a Storm

They seek shelter for the night in a cabin in the woods. Theres a bed and a pile of blankets and a sleeping bag inside. The Priest is a Gentleman so he lets the nun sleepd in the bed.

After an hour the nun whispers:

"Priest im so cold, can u get me another blanket?"

He gets up...

What gaming console does a Christian kid play?

PrayStation.

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

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Do you know what Christians, Hindus and Muslims agree on?

Chicken are Fucking delicious.

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A Jew walks into a synagogue

A Jewish guy walks into a synagogue and goes straight over to the rabbi. He says: "Rabbi, I need help. I have a big problem with my son. I did all that I could to raise him in the faith. I took him to Sabbath services every Saturday, and sent him to Hebrew school after regular school every Wednesday...

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a jew, a muslim, and a christian walk into a bar.

the bartender asks the christian what he'll have. and the christian says he'll have a bible. and the bartender asks what it is. and the christian says "oh it's a scotch with cinnamon"

and then the bartender asks what the muslim will have. and the muslim says he'll have a quran. and the barten...

My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian

They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”

My Christian friend keeps asking me to go to church and I keep refusing.

Friend: Why won't you go to church with me? he asked.

Me: Well you see, I'm Jewish and going to church isn't something we do.

Friend: Well, you just haven't found Jesus yet.

Me: Oh no, that's not it. we definitely found him...

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.
ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.

Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you too...

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

Why did a Christian go to church without wearing shoes?

Because it has no soul

Hell is probably full of Christians.

Just like American prisons.

What is the difference...

What's the difference between Christianity and Hinduism.

The Bible tells you to love everyone, but the Kama Sutra shows you how.

Edit: better presentation

A Jewish man's son comes home and says he's converted to Christianity

He's shocked and goes to his friends house only to find out that his son has also converted to Christianity. They get worried and go to their rabbi. To their amazement he turns around and says his son also converted to Christianity. They are all scared now so turn to god. God comes down and listens ...

Why do christian mathematicians hate summer?

It's sin cos tan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

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A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar

A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar. The barman looks up at them and says they only have alcoholic drinks today.

"Then I shall have to leave," States the Muslim "I am not allowed to drink alcohol due to my religion."

"I shall also have to leave," Says the Christian "I am of...

I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.

He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

Hey girl I want to treat you like a trump-loving Christian treats Jesus.

Come over to your dad’s house on the weekend to drink your wine and eat your body, then act like I’ve never heard of you for the rest of the week.

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