UPJOKE
christianitycatholicprotestantreligionchurchmelkiteevangelicalchristprotestantismcatholicismbaptistfundamentalistislampentecostaljesus christ

Christian Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting,

but Hindus never have any beef.

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.



The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.


...

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

A very christian woman

A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.

A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar

and keep their religions to themselves.

I don't understand Christians

They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.
ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.

Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you too...

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian

They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you slap a christian girl on the ass...

Would she turn the other cheek?

Saving a Christian.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]

At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a Mormon wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

At a United Church wedding, the minister is pregnant.

At a Unitarian wedding, the minister and her wife are both pregnant.

*Adapted poorly from a joke about Jewish denominat...

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

if Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief?

The Bible.

Why do women find Christian Grey so appealing?

Beats me.

Just been banned from a Christian dating website.

Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!

Wife: I used to be a Christian.

Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now!

My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist, an Agnostic and an Atheist all walk into a restaurant...

They talk, laugh, drink and become good friends. It's not a joke, it's what happens when you're not a fucking asshole.

Christians are such hypocrites.

I saw a bumper sticker that said "I stand up for **GOD!**" but that dude was totally sitting in his car.

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

My wife is a very devout Christian woman.

She’s so Christian that she’s saving herself for her second husband.

Christian girls are mean as hell

I didn't know it was possible to be holy ghosted.

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

What do Christians and mice have in common?

They both worship cheeses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine if Christians switched church service from Sunday to Saturday.

There would be mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.

The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.

The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.

The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to...

A little old Christian lady...

...comes out onto her front porch every morning and shouts, "Praise the Lord!"

And every morning the atheist next door yells back, "There is no God!"

This goes on for weeks. "Praise the Lord!" yells the lady. "There is no God!" responds the neighbour.

As time goes by, the lady r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim and a Christian get into a fight.

Christian: ever seen a cross? I’m gonna shove one up your ass.
Muslim: oh yeah?? Shove the five daily prayers up your ass.
Christian: WTF are the five daily prayers?
Muslim: they’re a pillar of Islam.

(hope it translates well, It’s more hilarious in Farsi)

Christians who celebrate Hannukah

Are in the menorahty.

What do you call it when two christians have a baby together?

Cross breeding

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After on...

I noticed something about Christianity…

It’s literally pray to win

What’s a Christian’s favorite flower? Jesus Rose.

Just wrote this and said it to my wife. She laughed.
Happy Easter y’all!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Mexican porn and Christianity have in common?

They both have Jesus coming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Christians always sexually unsatisfied?

They are always waiting for the Second Cumming.

Why are christians not able to do trigonometry?

Because Jesus took away their sin.

Christian people are boycotting eggnog this year

They heard if you drink it, you become eggnostic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christian businessman asks the teenage receptionist, "is the porn in the hotel room disabled?"

She gives him a look of utter disgust and says, "no, it's just regular porn you weirdo."

What are Christian hookers good at?

Missionary work.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

Are Christian’s allowed to sing Eminem in church?

Or do their Psalms get sweaty?

Christian Aliens

A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the pope's turn, he asks: **"Do you know about our lo...

The Christian horse.

A man was driving down the long highway in his car. All of a sudden his car broke down.

The man walked for a while and ended up at a farm. As he was trying to find the owner of the farm, he spotted one horse and wanted to see if he could borrow the horse. He met with the farmer and asked him...

a Christian walks into a bar. how do we know? he told everyone.

an atheist walks into the bar right after. how do we know? he told the Christian.

Christians only

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Sikh." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Buddhism."
“Go to room 18, but be very quiet ...

"I used to be a Christian"

The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?"
The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"

My girlfriend told me "I used to be Christian"

"That's fine" I replied "I don't see why that would bother me"

"Good" She said "because I'm so much happier as Christina"

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
...

Two Jewish guys are walking.....

when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in...

A Christian newlywed couple buys their wedding cake.

They ask the baker to print the Bible verse **1 John 4:18**, which says the following:

>*"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..."*

However, the baker accidentally ends up printing **John 4:18** instead, which reads:

>*"For you have had five husbands, ...

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

Devout Christian lady

Maria, a devout Christian, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, Maria got married again and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria’s funeral, the pastor said, “At last, they’re finally together.” Maria’s daughter as...

A Protestant missionary is in India trying to convert Hindus to Christianity

He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.

He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.

"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"

"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"

The missionary tol...

Why do Christians never redline their cars?

Because they need to leave vroom for Jesus.

Why are there no Christian camels?

They don't have bibles

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!

Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The faithful Christian

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian, and now found himself in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian husband asks his wife, on their first night together, "Are you a virgin?"

Wife replies : Yes but only on the backside and you?

Husband : Me too but only on the front.

If you play a G, C, and D on a piano, they're the most Christian notes...

...because it's a Gsus chord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew walks into a Christian church.

Avram went into a Church, took out his Tallis, placed it over his yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. the clergyman entered to start services, "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued praying. Finally the angered clergyman moved toward Avram, "Will all JEWS please leave." At this, Avram ...

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

A Christian welder is tasked with making a new frame for a stained glass pane…

…and is asked by his dyslexic priest to do so inside the church, beneath a steel statue of Jesus for it to be blessed by the lord.

The welder tries to do so but struggles as he cannot get the final metal ends of the frame to weld correctly, and more frustratingly he cannot seem to find out w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

What do you call batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

2 Christians in the Sahara

Were lost and looking for food/water. They found in the middle of the day a small city with a mosque in its entrance. The two men decided to go look for charity there. Before going in they had a discussion:
Man 1: I don't think they will provide us with food knowing that we're Christians, I'll sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christian vs Jewish

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be perm...

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

Christians say "Jesus"

Ancient Greek women say "Hey Zeus"

What is a Christian's favorite chord?

Gsus

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Christian couple checks into a hotel and request that all the in-room porn be disabled.

The clerk says, “I’m sorry, we only have regular porn”.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never understood why us Christians had a reputation as homophobes

When our whole religion started because a guy got nailed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious o...

I finally broke down and joined ChristianMingle.com...

My username is ComeGetPsalm

I joined a Christian dating site

And got Holy Ghosted

My dad is a huge fan of Christian screamo...

Whenever he's out working on his car he always singing along like "JESUS CHRIST!" "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"

Why was the dyslexic dog a Christian?

Because he believes in himself.

A Christian missionary goes to proselytize in Africa and gets lost

So he goes aimlessly through thick forest and stumbles upon a lion. He gets scared the lion will eat him so he starts praying to God to protect him from the lion. Then, suddenly, he sees the lion praying as well!



He gets relieved and tells the lion: Brother! I didn't know you're a bel...

Who was responsible for Christianity really taking off?

Pontious Pilate

A devout Christian is about to be attacked by a bear and prays.

“Lord, give that barbaric bear your teachings."

The bear is moved, and suddenly puts his hands together and speaks!

"Heavenly father, thank you for feeding us today."

An atheist and a Christian go golfing.

On his very first shot, The atheist shanks the ball and angrily shouts, “God Damnit, I missed!”

Then the Christian warns the Atheist, “you should be careful with your words.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

So they continue playing, many times though out the day, The atheist would miss a shot and...

A pastor walked by a ranch when he noticed a sign, "Christian Horse for Sale"

Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.

He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Christian Sex-Ed teacher drink?

Abstininth

Christian Kittens

A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box.

When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.

"They're Christian kittens," rep...

What do christian vegans hunt?

Lettuce prey

What gaming console does a Christian kid play?

PrayStation.

What do you call a Christian who studies fossils?

An Episcopaleontologist.

Christian Horse

A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."

Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How would a Christian Hooker Pray?

Please Good Lord Jizz us

How to Convince an Orthodox Christian Family to get a Dog?

Tell them it's a Cross Breed.

What do you call a dyslexic Russian Christian priest

Unorthodox!

U know why Christians call the preist 'Father' ?

Cuz calling them Daddy would be too suspicious.

I joined a Christian gym glass recently

It's called Jehova's fitness

A Jewish woman wants her son to have a bris but her Christian husband is against it

She goes against his wishes and has a secret bris.

The husband shows up unannounced and everyone in the synagogue is in shock.

The mother gasps, "How did you know?!"

The father replies "I could see it coming a mohel away."

Why do christian mathematicians hate summer?

It's sin cos tan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it wrong for a Christian to have sex before you're married?

Only if it makes you late for the ceremony.

A priest goes in a safari...

A priest goes on a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion.
Priest: "Dear Lord, I haven't asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace that this lion be imbued with Christi...

Two Christians are lost in an Arabian desert

David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help. After a very long time in the heat of the desert and al...

How are Christians against piercings?

Didn’t Jesus have 4?

The Jewish God, The Christian God, and The Muslim God Walk Into a Bar

The bartender says "Hello, Yahweh!"

Hell is probably full of Christians.

Just like American prisons.

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

A Jewish man's son decides he is going to convert to Christianity....

The father is quite distressed about this, and decides to ask a Jewish friend of his for advice."It's funny you should come to me," his friend says, "because my son did the same thing, not even a month after moving out on his own. I was probably more upset than you seem to be, but I eventually reali...

When the missionaries came to Africa to spread Christianity

The missionaries met Shaka Zulu and told him, 'if you do not convert to Christianity you will go to hell and burn in eternal fire'

Shaka Zulu replied, 'Around here we eat fire!!'

Two american jewish men send their sons to Jerusalem to learn about their culture.

A year later the two are having a chat:

-- I am so disappointed in my son, I don't know what to do... Once he returned, he claimed to have become christian!

-- My son as well, this is a tragedy.

-- We should go see our Rabbi, maybe he can guide us.

The two then visit the...

My friend is from another culture, and he’ll ask me questions about Christianity

Like this one time, he was confused about the story of the birth of Jesus.

“Why was the mob involved?

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Says right here, that there were three wise guys there.”

(Edited thanks to u/soveranol for the better joke)

On a hot Ramadan day...

On a hot Ramadan day, the Bektashi and his friend are caught by the police while eating watermelon in public. Both are taken to the police station. The commissioner asks the friend:

"It's the holy month of Ramadan, aren't you ashamed to eat openly?"

The friend, with a bowed head, can't...

What do you call a Christian Mingle date who never returned your message?

The Holy Ghost.

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.