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A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.

And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.

I don't understand why christian people hate people with piercings.

Jesus had 4 of them.

My Christian friend keeps asking me to go to church and I keep refusing.

Friend: Why won't you go to church with me? he asked.

Me: Well you see, I'm Jewish and going to church isn't something we do.

Friend: Well, you just haven't found Jesus yet.

Me: Oh no, that's not it. we definitely found him...

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs?

The same.

A Christian went on a safari in Africa

And met a lion. The Lion started to chase him. As the man was running for his life, he started praying the Lord:

"Oh Lord, please make so the lion has a Christian thought."

So as the lion caught the man, it kneeled and started praying:

"Please Lord bless this meal that you are p...

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

Christian, muslim and buddhist are goingto jump from a 100 story building to see which religion is the best.

The muslim jumps first and while falling he starts repeating: "praised be Allah", gets to the 30th floor while still repeating the same and then he proceeds to splat on the ground.

The buddhist goes second and jumps and starts repeating:"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha" he gets to the 60th floor and h...

Damn girl, is your name Christianity?

Cause I wanna spread you. Whatever means necessary.

What did the Christian monk say to the Hindu monk?

“Your karma ran over my dogma!”

Two friends: a christian arab, and his indian friend were on a plane

Suddenly there was a turbulance and the captain announces “ this is the captain, I am sorry to inform you that we have technical problems with one engine and we need to loose some weight “ the passengers were upset when he continued “ we’ll be fair with everyone: Africans and asians we need you to ...

A muslim, a christian, and a buddhist compete to see who has the most powerful God by jumping off a 100 story building. Whoever survives the fall, wins.

The christian comes first. He jumps off the building and says: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." until he falls to the ground and dies.


Next up, the buddhist. He jumps off the building and says: "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Budda..." until he reaches an inch off the ground and floats away saf...

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A man slapped my butt on a Christian young adults’ retreat...

Church officials advised me to turn the other cheek.

(True story of mine from a few years back, just making the best of it and laughing about it, please don’t take offense)

Pureflix is known as the Christian Netflix. They missed a big opportunity by not calling themselves...

**...Cruciflix**

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

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Muslim, Jewish and Christian man

A Christian, a Muslim and a jew are sitting in an apartment chatting. They then decide they want to make tea. The Christian and The Muslim are arguing over who should make it. After a while of going back and forth they look over to the Jew and say:

‘Hey, why doesn’t he brew’

A Christian, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist all die...

They find themselves on a path in the clouds. First they path slopes down, and they're amazed at how easy it is with the sun on their backs. When it slopes up, they're surprised to find they're not winded. The path curves around a bend slightly to the north. Continuing the curve, they feel the heat ...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

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A devout Christian, Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar

The barternder approaches them as they get seated at the table.

The Christian guy: Jesus turned water into wine. It was the first miracle he performed. So I will go with some wine today.

The Jewish guy: Arak, the licorice flavored spirit is highly preffered in Isreal. It makes me feel ...

Christians are always wearing a cross and hoping for Jesus to return.

Well, is the first thing you would want to see if you were Jesus is a cross?

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

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A Christian Priest arrives at the gates of Hell

"How'd you die?" asked a demon.
The priest replied, "I had a heart attack."
D: Well what happened?
P: Someone broke my windows, popped the tire on my Harley, and stole all my tools out of my shed.
D: Well that'd give anyone a heart attack. But you're a priest! Why are you in hell...

Catholics and Christians have waited generations for Jesus' return. Little did they know that though he's been here all along.

Because he's brown

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

What are Christian hookers good at?

Missionary work.

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonn...

Who’s your favourite Christian rock band?

Mines psalm 41

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A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar...

... but the bar is closed, and they all get fined for breaking lockdown rules.

What do christian vegans hunt?

Lettuce prey

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

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A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

A Christian newlywed couple buys their wedding cake.

They ask the baker to print the Bible verse **1 John 4:18**, which says the following:

>*"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..."*

However, the baker accidentally ends up printing **John 4:18** instead, which reads:

>*"For you have had five husbands, ...

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Why doesn't Jesus like Christian music?

Because it fucking sucks.

I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump...

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "...

My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian.

So I immediately broke up with her. It may come across as judgmental, but really, I’ve only ever known and loved her as Christine

I dont get why Christians are so bad at managing money. Aren't they supposed to model Him?

And He is known as the God who saves!

Im so sorry.

"Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks…

You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f\*cking cross?"

What kind of Christians like the movie Cats the most?

Evanjellicles.

I'm putting together a Christian Metallica all puppet cover band.

Gonna call it Pastor of Muppets

2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.

In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.

John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to ...

What does a Christian rabbit say when it sees it's food?

Lettuce pray.

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What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.

He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

I am 100% behind Christianity and Biblical study being a part of the American education system

This way, we will have a steady production of atheists.

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A deeply Christian couple book into a hotel and say to the clerk....

"We hope the porn in the room is disabled?"

clerk replies "No it's just regular porn you sick bastards"

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

Did you hear about the non-denominational Christian who converted to Catholicism because of his Catholic wife?

He didn’t believe in sects before marriage.

What does being a fundamentalist Christian and the game Snake have in common?

You can't touch yourself.

What’s a Christian’s favorite guitar chord?

Gsus

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

A Christian church worker told me the recipe on how to make holy water. I have decided to tell you all how to make it

Step 1: put water in a pot that's on the stove

Step 2: set stove to the highest temp you can get it and boil the **hell** out of it

Praise the lord

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse, so he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘Praise the Lord!’ to make him go and ‘Amen!’ to make him stop.” Bill got on the horse and said, “Praise the Lord!” Sure enough, the horse started t...

Grandma Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just com...

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar

And had a wonderful time together sharing drinks, paid their tab, and left. It was quite pleasant.

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand...

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What do you call a Christian boy that can run faster than the priest?

A virgin.

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

Billionaires and Christians have a lot in common.

For instance, just like Jesus, Jeffrey Epstein died for their sins.

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

A teacher is discussing with a boy and girl about Christian faith

The teacher asks them, “Now, where do good people go to when they die?” The boy pokes the girl with a pencil and she pops up and yells, “For heavens sake!” The teacher tells her that she is right.
The teacher then asks, “So, what religious figure is known to be the son of god?” The boy pokes the ...

What’s it called when an alcoholic Christian dies from drinking?

Deliverance

Christian joke.

When Jesus was born, almost everyone got stoned.

If he was born in the 70s, almost everyone would get stoned.

Nothing changed! Except they seem to enjoy it more in the 70s!

I joined a Christian gym glass recently

It's called Jehova's fitness

Many Christians believe that the person who crucified Jesus made a very bad move.

I don't know, 'cos I think he nailed it.

What do you call it when Batman misses church?

Christian Bale!

50% of Christians say they will go to hell and back for Donald Trump

They're half right

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Two Jews walk past a sign outside a church

“Convert to Christianity now, get $100!”

Micha can’t resist such easy money, and enters the church, while Ben decides to wait outside.

After a while, Micha returns, and Ben asks:

“Well? Did you get the 100 dollars?”

Micha scoffs, and says:

“Money! That’s all you ...

A Christian Lion

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men.

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."

He l...

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

A Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian were arguing about their faiths...

The Muslim says that theirs is the true faith. The Buddhist says Nirvana is key, while the Christian of course argues that Jesus is the way.

This went on for hours until finally the Christian says, "let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will...

Everything was going great with me and my girlfriend until she told me she used to be a Christian. I wouldn't put up with it, so I dumped her.

Call me judgmental all you want, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

Not for you

A Christian Armenian man walking by the border of Armenia and Iran sees a few Iranian men pushing a car stuck in a ditch. Every time the Iranian men push they yell allah akbar! 1.. 2... 3... Allah akbarrr! As the Armenian man joins in pushing the car, the Iranians are surprised to hear the Christian...

A Christian and a Muslim have a conversation

The Muslim tells the Christian that he has to stop wherever they are to pray at a certain time

The Christian, surprised by this says “oh my god”

Then the Muslim replies, “no. MY god”

Why do Christians hate butchers?

They don’t condone beating meat

My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian

They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”

A fight happened in my Christian Minecraft server

Nothing too big.Just a little "Frick"tion

What do Christian necromancers say?

Raise the Lord!

One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

What did both the Christian and the Atheist say to God?

You're Unbelievable.

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The Christian says: “The Jews and Muslims are wrong.”

The Muslim says: “The Christians and Jews are wrong.”

The Jew says: “The Muslims and Christians are wrong.”

The Atheist says: “You *all* are *correct*.”

Why do born again Christians like to play hide and seek with Jesus?

Because they keep finding God

A Christian friend of mine told me he wanted to get stoned

So his funeral is in two weeks

Kerala was the first indian state where Hindus got converted to Christianity

Saint Thomas, who was one of the disciples of Jesus Christ visited Kerala in 52 AD.

How did St Thomas convert Keralites to Christianity ?

St Thomas said, "Jesus healed the sick ".
People didn't believe .

He said, "Jesus died for you".
People said "Oh pl...

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What’s the difference between Christians and Jews?

Christians get guilt from the Bible. Jews get it from their mother.

Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

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Abby went to christian school...

But she was always sleeping because it was so boring. One day, the teacher called on her.

"Abby, what do we call Him?"

Abby didn't stir. However, Little Jimmy came to the rescue and poked her in the back with a pencil

Abby cried out, "GOD ALMIGHTY"

"Very good Abby" the te...

A man joins an atheist club at his school and at the first meeting says "Hello, I'm Christian" and the leader of the club kicks him out.

It's difficult being an atheist named Christian.

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I want to marry a good Christian woman someday...

because if she believes that shit, imagine how easy it will be to get her to believe my lies when I come home at 2am.

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

Don’t die, there is so much to live for...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
He said "Why shouldn't I?".

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, are you religious or atheis...

To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

A devout Christian man living in New Orleans refuses to leave his home after hearing news of an imminent hurricane and flood.

A richly devout Christian man lives alone in New Orleans. He keeps to himself mostly, isolating himself in prayer and self-reflection with little care for the outside world.


One day, the man notices it growing dark outside earlier than normal. He steps outside and feels the wind has pick...

When a good christian girl starts ignoring your calls, it is not ghosting.

It is holy ghosting.

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You know it's funny that a lot of Christians are against porn

I mean hey, I'm not the one praying to a guy getting nailed!

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

Will be opening up a Christian gym soon.

Can't decide what to call it, Jehovah's Fitness, or CrossFit.

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