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A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.

The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

A blonde goes up to a priest and asks,"Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?"

He replied,"Do you mean a choir?"

She snaps back,"Ok,acquire a church singing group."

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

A drunk staggered into a Catholic church

He entered a confessional booth, sat down and said nothing. The priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the man stayed silent. Finally the priest knocked loudly on the wall three times. The drunk mumbled "Ain't no use in knocking, there's no paper on this side either"

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

Sign found on a laundrette near a church.....

Dirty habits?? No problem

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

What kind of alchohol do you find in church?

Holy spirits!

Church Priests will hate 9/11 anniversaries from now

Because it turned 18 today

He who farts in church...

Sits in his own pew.

We had to say goodbye to the church choir last Sunday.

It was due to unforeseen organ failure.

Two painters are painting a church

They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away.

A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch.

"Repaint and thin no more"

Little Bob went to church with his mom

At some point, he started feeling dizzy and unwell. He turns to his mom and asks: "Mom, can we leave now?"

"No Bob", his mom replied curtly.

"I feel very bad, I think I'm going to throw up".

"Then get out, find a bush to vomit in and come back".

Bob gets up and leaves, th...

What do you call a spider in a catholic church?

Father Longlegs.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

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A guy comes home from church with two black eyes. “How did you get those?” His wife asks. ...

The guy explains “Well there was a woman sitting in front of me and I noticed her dress was stuck in her bum crack, so I lent over the pew and pulled it out and she turned round and hit me”.
“That explains one eye.” The wife responds “What about the other one?”
“She seemed so miffed that I t...

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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 
One month later the three coup...

What do you call Batman when he doesn't go to church on Sunday?

Christian Bale.

Did you hear about the earthquake that destroyed 4046.856 square metres of land during church?

Some people call it a massacre

A Higgs boson walks into a church.

The priest says : Your kind is not welcome here.

Higgs boson: But without me you can’t have mass!

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

A young girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

"Wow, it's really pouring sky buckets out here!" she yells to the priest greeting visitors.

Before he can respond, the sky releases a torrential downpour, as if a thousand firehoses opened up from the clouds.

"Whoa! Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!" she exclaims. Suddenly, a c...

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

My own pastor told me this joke at Church

A man is sleeping peacefully in his comfortable bed.

His mother suddenly yells at him, "GET UP! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR CHURCH!"

He groans. "I don't want to go to church."

Mom: "Why not?"

Man: "I don't like any of the people there. They're such goodie goodies, it's boring."...

Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!

Priests do it all the time

Two nuns are riding their bikes to church

The one nun says to the other "I dont beleive I've ever came this way". To which the other nun replies "oh dear sister, it's the cobblestones "

I tried to start the Church of Teflon

but I couldn't find any adherents.

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession.

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling ...

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

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Four nuns go to the church, wishing to confess their sins.

One of the nuns go first, talking to the priest.
"Forgive me father, for I have witnessed a man's flesh sword," she says with regret.

"Alright, head up and wash your eyes with this holy water bowl." Says the priest and pushes her aside. "What about you, sister?" He asks the second nun.
...

One time I was in a church and yelled "creeper!!"

Everybody said amen.

There's these two priests walking out of a church, having a conversation, when a drunk approaches them.

"Hey (hiccup), do you two serve the church?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm the Son of God, so you guys are serving me."

"No, my friend, you are not."

"Really, I am. I can prove it."

"Okay, go ahead and prove it to us."

"Alright (hiccup), follow me."

The two pries...

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

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[NSFW] When I was 12 I was super sad, so I went to the Catholic Church for help...

But then I was just fucking depriest

What is the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in shower?

One has a soul full of hope, another has a hole full of soap.

Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

A photographer went to a Catholic church...

...and caused a mass shooting.

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A Catholic church is burning down

There is a group of choir boys and 2 priest

The priest ask the other priest if they had enough time to save the kids.

He turns around and says "nah fuck em"

The other priest replies " Its gonna be close, might have enough time for a few"

I found a church where they include dairy with communion.

They call it "Cheeses of Nazareth"

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

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A boy is sitting crying on a church stairs....

A stranger walks by and asks him: Why are you crying little one? What happened?

Boy: \*sobs\* My mother died.

stranger: I´m so sorry, do you want to go in and talk to a priest maybe?

Boy: \*shakes his head\* Not really. I´m really not in the mood for sex right now.

I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic church.

Oh well...out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

A group of crows flew into a church during the Sunday service.

It was a Mass murder.

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A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest,

"forgive me father, for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed"

The priest asks, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

"Well," the guy says. "I was on the seventeenth hole, and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, perfect ...

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.

He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.

The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.

Five minutes pass. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The pries...

Why doesn't the Church take the issue with priests molesting children seriously?

Because it's a minor problem.

What kind of church do two women get married in?

Lesbyterian.

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

Satan appears in the church

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon e...

Two thieves go to the church with their loot to confess..

.. their sins to the lord. They both decide to offer some part of the gold they robbed to the church to wash away their wrongdoings. But they couldn't decide how much of each of their loots to offer.

The first one thinks for a minute, draws a foot long circle on the floor and says, "Oh lord, ...

One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

Did you hear about the two kids who walked into a church?

It was kind of silly, the second one should have seen it coming.

What do you call a bone of the body that defies church teaching?

A blasFEMUR

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

There’s a church in my neighborhood called the Glory House

Do you think their walls are holy?

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

Reddit no longer has to fear the Catholic Church!

Now that it has turned 14 the priests are no longer interested.

One day in a Detroit Church...

A priest asks if anyone has a disability that needs to be prayed for.

A man steps up, “I need help with my hearing!”

The priest prays his heart out for him, a hand on each ear. Once he is finished he asks, “How is your hearing now?”

The man responds, “I don’t know, it’s on Thurs...

My son is in the church choir

I didn’t think he had it in hymn

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."


He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."


The Father says, "You need to say 40 H...

How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?

They use the pew, pew-pew pews.

Two Rabbis are walking past a church

They see a sign out front that says:

Convert to Christianity and we'll give you $100

They look at each other and the first Rabbi says "I'm going for it man"
About an hour goes by and he comes back outside. And the second Rabbi says
"Well what happened, did you get the money?"...

Did you hear about the disappointing shortage of seats at the Church of Fake Lazer Sounds?

They really need more pews.

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

What do you call it when an immigrant walks into a Catholic Church?

Alien vs Predator (this is my son’s joke)

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If I take a dump in a church bathroom

is it a Holy Shit?

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[Long] [NSFW] Three couples wanted to join a very strict church.

As they met with with the Membership Committee, the Lead Elder told them they could join if they passed a simple test of purity.

"All you need to do it abstain from sexual intercourse for six months," he said. "Do that and you are in."

Six months passed and the three couples returned t...

When I was a kid the police came to the church to ask if anyone knew any child molesters.

The priests fingered me.

“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church...

It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Granpa walks into a church

He comes up to the priest and speaks:

-Father, I have sinned...

-What happend? Tell me.

-Few days ago my lady bent over to pick up something from the fridge and I don't know what got to me but I went on her and you know..

-Well she is your lady?

-Yes.

-And y...

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church.

An elderly couple are sitting in church,

The wife leans over and whispers "I just cut a silent but deadly, what do I do now?". The husband replies "You need to change the battery in your hearing aid".

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences...

"In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There were a few gasps from the parishioners and several of the children began to giggle.

"I loo...

A Husband and Wife are in church listening to a very long and drawn out sermon

After quite a bit of time, the wife gets tired and dozes off. The husband notices this and goes to poke her with his finger to wake her up. At the same time, the priest asks a question to the audience.

"Who freed the slaves from Egypt?"

"GOD" Exclaimed the wife to the husband, very ir...

I drove to my local church to donate cheese to their food shelf.

Jesus take the wheel.

I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two chur...

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I just saw a church advertisement

They've been under the same establishment for 2,000 years!

On Sunday, it was announced from the pulpit that a large, anonymous donation had been made to the church.

The local butcher stood up: "Yes, I thought that was the best way to do it."

My friend is a seamstress for the church.

She says her job is habit forming!

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A woman goes to church for confession...

A perfect 10/10, one of the most beautiful women in the world.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“What sins will you be confessing today, my child?”

“I cheated on my husband with another man.”

The priest, still a virgin at age 58, loses all sense of decency as an ide...

Why aren’t horses allowed in the Catholic church?

Because they’re neigh sayers

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A Buddhist Monk Goes to a Church

He walks up to the door of the church and nails an advertisement to the door.

The next day the Buddhist monk walks back to the church, only to find that his advertisement has been removed. He takes out another advertisement out of his bag, and promptly affixes it to the door with a nail.
...

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At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in thecongregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said: “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all th...

What does a church service in Helsinki and Mortal Kombat have in common?

Finnish Hymn

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To put an end to the endless accusations, the Catholic Church has proposed that all priests shall be castrated.

If you ask me, they don't have the balls to pull that through.

I got kicked out of a church confessional today.

Apparently "Forgive me father for I have sinned." And "I'm sorry daddy I've been naughty." Don't have the same meaning?

When a woman sits in church her soul fills up with hope

When she sit in a bath something similar happens

-The church musician died.

-So sad, what did he die of?

-Organ failure.

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.



“And did he make me too?” she asks next.



“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.



“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

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Three couples are trying to get married at a local church.

One was an elderly couple, another was a middle-aged couple, and the third a young couple. So the priest calls each of these couples in and presents them with a challenge.

“In order to get married at my church,” he says “you have to go an entire month without having sex.”

So they leave...

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping"

People are so disrespectful these days, I was at the church when a woman lit up a cigarette right in front of me

I got so shocked I almost dropped my beer

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A small coastal Australian church gets word the Pope is coming for a visit.

The church committee quickly gets together to discuss arrangements and the topic quickly turns to what food they will serve the Pope.

One of the nuns suggests a serve of fish would be appropriate. The committee agrees and one of the priests is nominated to source a fresh fish.

The pr...

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for decades?

Church

What happens when you sneak up behind a church?

You scare the deacons out of it.

Why are beetles not in church?

Because they are in sects

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Crying Irish Woman In Church

And the Priest says, "Mary, why are ye cryin'?"

Mary: "ah jesus Father me husband died last night!"

Priest: "Oh God Bless us and all Harm, did he have any last requests?"

Mary: "aye....MARY PUT THE FUCKIN GUN DOWN!"

Two men are hired to paint a church

The job doesnt pay too well, so they wanted to save as much money as possible so they bought only as much paint as they thought was needed.

As they are getting close to finishing, they realized that they were not going to have enough paint left to finish the job. One of the men has the brill...

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