Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 
One month later the three coup...

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

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A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest,

"forgive me father, for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed"

The priest asks, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

"Well," the guy says. "I was on the seventeenth hole, and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, perfect ...

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

What do you call it when Batman skips going to church?

A Christian Bale

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

Reddit no longer has to fear the Catholic Church!

Now that it has turned 14 the priests are no longer interested.

Did you hear about the disappointing shortage of seats at the Church of Fake Lazer Sounds?

They really need more pews.

What do you call it when an immigrant walks into a Catholic Church?

Alien vs Predator (this is my son’s joke)

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."


He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."


The Father says, "You need to say 40 H...

Granpa walks into a church

He comes up to the priest and speaks:

-Father, I have sinned...

-What happend? Tell me.

-Few days ago my lady bent over to pick up something from the fridge and I don't know what got to me but I went on her and you know..

-Well she is your lady?

-Yes.

-And y...

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If I take a dump in a church bathroom

is it a Holy Shit?

A Higgs Boson walks into a church.

The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here."

The Higgs Boson replies, "But without me, how would you have mass?"

A Husband and Wife are in church listening to a very long and drawn out sermon

After quite a bit of time, the wife gets tired and dozes off. The husband notices this and goes to poke her with his finger to wake her up. At the same time, the priest asks a question to the audience.

"Who freed the slaves from Egypt?"

"GOD" Exclaimed the wife to the husband, very ir...

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences...

"In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There were a few gasps from the parishioners and several of the children began to giggle.

"I loo...

There’s a church in my neighborhood called the Glory House

Do you think their walls are holy?

I drove to my local church to donate cheese to their food shelf.

Jesus take the wheel.

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

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I just saw a church advertisement

They've been under the same establishment for 2,000 years!

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A woman goes to church for confession...

A perfect 10/10, one of the most beautiful women in the world.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“What sins will you be confessing today, my child?”

“I cheated on my husband with another man.”

The priest, still a virgin at age 58, loses all sense of decency as an ide...

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church.

Why aren’t horses allowed in the Catholic church?

Because they’re neigh sayers

Two Rabbis are walking past a church

They see a sign out front that says:

Convert to Christianity and we'll give you $100

They look at each other and the first Rabbi says "I'm going for it man"
About an hour goes by and he comes back outside. And the second Rabbi says
"Well what happened, did you get the money?"...

My friend is a seamstress for the church.

She says her job is habit forming!

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A small church had

a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or ...

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To put an end to the endless accusations, the Catholic Church has proposed that all priests shall be castrated.

If you ask me, they don't have the balls to pull that through.

On Sunday, it was announced from the pulpit that a large, anonymous donation had been made to the church.

The local butcher stood up: "Yes, I thought that was the best way to do it."

Satan appears in the church

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon e...

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

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At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in thecongregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said: “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all th...

“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church...

It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping"

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

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A janitor at a church is minding his own business cleaning the floors when the priest runs to him telling him he needs help

The priest says to the janitor
“J I need your help, I have to run an errand really quick but I need you to fill in for me for confessions.” J says, “Father I cant I don’t know what to assign for punishments or pennants.
Father replies saying, “Its fine there’s a sheet in there that will tel...

I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

An elderly couple are sitting in church,

The wife leans over and whispers "I just cut a silent but deadly, what do I do now?". The husband replies "You need to change the battery in your hearing aid".

-The church musician died.

-So sad, what did he die of?

-Organ failure.

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A Buddhist Monk Goes to a Church

He walks up to the door of the church and nails an advertisement to the door.

The next day the Buddhist monk walks back to the church, only to find that his advertisement has been removed. He takes out another advertisement out of his bag, and promptly affixes it to the door with a nail.
...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two chur...

A man builds a church with a bell tower.

A man builds a church with a bell tower. The bell tower has a hole on the top floor where the man would ring the bell that was forgotten to be patched up.After the construction, he hired a person to ring the bell to inform people when the mass is about to start.

A guy comes in and sees the l...

I got kicked out of a church confessional today.

Apparently "Forgive me father for I have sinned." And "I'm sorry daddy I've been naughty." Don't have the same meaning?

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

What does a church service in Helsinki and Mortal Kombat have in common?

Finnish Hymn

When a woman sits in church her soul fills up with hope

When she sit in a bath something similar happens

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[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

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A small coastal Australian church gets word the Pope is coming for a visit.

The church committee quickly gets together to discuss arrangements and the topic quickly turns to what food they will serve the Pope.

One of the nuns suggests a serve of fish would be appropriate. The committee agrees and one of the priests is nominated to source a fresh fish.

The pr...

People are so disrespectful these days, I was at the church when a woman lit up a cigarette right in front of me

I got so shocked I almost dropped my beer

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Three couples are trying to get married at a local church.

One was an elderly couple, another was a middle-aged couple, and the third a young couple. So the priest calls each of these couples in and presents them with a challenge.

“In order to get married at my church,” he says “you have to go an entire month without having sex.”

So they leave...

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.



“And did he make me too?” she asks next.



“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.



“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

What happens when you sneak up behind a church?

You scare the deacons out of it.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the...

We told the youth at our church that every time they curse they have to do 10 push-ups

So our church is a gym now

My wife is pastafarian whereas I belong to the United Church of Bacon

Our son believes in spaghetti carbonara.

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A pastor in church once made eye contact with me while giving a fiery sermon on how masturbators will burn in hell

Reluctantly, I put my penis back in my pants.

Two men are hired to paint a church

The job doesnt pay too well, so they wanted to save as much money as possible so they bought only as much paint as they thought was needed.

As they are getting close to finishing, they realized that they were not going to have enough paint left to finish the job. One of the men has the brill...

Why the skeletons can't play music in a church?

Because they don't have organs.

I love going to church.

I like that they pass a basket were you grab money.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church

He enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either”.

Why are beetles not in church?

Because they are in sects

No wonder the Catholic church needed to raise so much money for Notre Dame.

Insurance companies won't pay for "Acts of God" claims on a church.

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Crying Irish Woman In Church

And the Priest says, "Mary, why are ye cryin'?"

Mary: "ah jesus Father me husband died last night!"

Priest: "Oh God Bless us and all Harm, did he have any last requests?"

Mary: "aye....MARY PUT THE FUCKIN GUN DOWN!"

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

Why is the Catholic church against abortion?

Less victims for the priests to choose from.

Woman goes to the Priest to ask him to bury her dog in the church cemetery

He tells her "unfortunately, we don't do that. You can take him to the pet cemetery." But the woman pleads "Please, I just need to know I will see him again in heaven, so I need you to bury him in holy ground!" but the priest doesn't budge. "I'm sorry, dear lady, I just can't do that. It's not allow...

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

The devil walks into a church

Everyone runs out except for an old man. The devil asked him why didnt he run out? The man replies with a "I married your sister. I think i can handle you."

The Catholic Church are asking for donations to help rebuild Notre Dame.

You can donate via Papal

Why do melons feel the need to get married in a church?

Because they cantaloupe.

A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner.

The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. “It’s okay, dear,” the mother calms her. “You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning.”



The little girl folds her...

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

Why did the blonde go to church?

She heard there was a guy hung like this!!
(Arms outstretched like Jesus on the cross)

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What kind of Church service should you go to today, this Holy Saturday?

High Church.

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for decades?

Church

A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings.

No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms.

The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little to...

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"...

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Ole and Lena want to join the local church

So they go meet the pastor. The pastor says “This church very high standards for our members. In order for me to accept you as new members, you will have to prove you are worthy by abstaining from sex for 30 days”.

Ole and Lena look at each other and said “Ya, sure, vee vill give it a try”...

What do you call a church on fire?

Notre Flamme

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John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money....

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A man running from the police runs into the Catholic church and hides in confession box..

Another person enters the other side and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

The man not wanting to get caught says, "What have you done my daughter?"

She says, "I have had anal sex with my boyfriend, I know sex is for making children, please forgive me . What is my penance?"...

Why don't ants go to church? I

Because they are in sects.

Ba dum tiss

Why there is no WiFi in church?

They don’t want to know about an invisible power that actually works.

Did you hear the one about the whistle-blower for the Church of Scientology?

Nobody did. He was swiftly killed and any evidence surrounding his existence was erased from history and censored from the internet.

Peter in church...

In a church one Sunday morning a preacher said,

"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,

"Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you...

A naked man broke into a church...

the police chased him around, and finally caught him by the organ.

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During our church service one Sunday...

a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I’m usually not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That’s okay. We like bi...

Squirrels In Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer
& consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will.


At the Baptist church, the squir...

I got kicked out of church

Apparently it’s “rude” to say going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

What do you get when you lay a fart in church?

You get to sit in your own pew.

I couldn’t stand how long church took today

so I sat down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid I hated how the church operated

Its all quiet and dark



All the sitting down and standing up and kneeling



I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me

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In a small parish church, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest, Father Michael.

Father Michael asked the janitor, "Could you hop into the confessional and listen to confessions for me, just for a few minutes? I really have to go to the bathroom, and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance...so whatever she...

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So the “bishop” came to our church yesterday.

He was a fucking imposter. Not **once** did he move diagonally.

How do you get mice out of the church? (semi-OC!)

A priest, minister, and Soviet are discussing the subject of vermin.

Priest: "I have tried everything to keep the mice out of the church. I've tried traps, poison, cursing them to Hell, everything!"

Minister: "I baptized them and made them members of the church. Now I only see them o...

What is a jazz musician that got kicked out of the catholic church?

Sax-communicated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you poop in a church, does that mean its a holy shit?

Poop John the first from the church of the holy shitters says yes

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Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately...

I asked Sister Claire why she insists on wearing a dirty hat to church.

She said it’s just a nasty habit.

My preist suggested I come to church more often.

He's a real pain in the ass.

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