This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

in the church there is a priest and a bellman

the bellman asks the priest if he could take some time off to go on holiday the priest says sure but you have to find someone to cover for you he says "sure i already had someone in mind, problem is he has no arms " the pries confused asks "how will he ring the bell?" the bellman replies with "don't...

Why don't churches have WiFi?

They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

My Christian friend keeps asking me to go to church and I keep refusing.

Friend: Why won't you go to church with me? he asked.

Me: Well you see, I'm Jewish and going to church isn't something we do.

Friend: Well, you just haven't found Jesus yet.

Me: Oh no, that's not it. we definitely found him...

What’s the difference between school and church?

In school, the teachers care about you mentally, at church, the priests care about you physically.

Why are there so many old people in church?

They’re cramming for the final

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitt...

What did Donald Trump say when he walked into a church and saw all the benches were made of cardboard?

Fake pews.

You know why churches dont have wifi?

Cause they don’t want to deal with an invisible power that actually works


Not original, a friend told it to me years ago.

What do you call it when Batman misses church?

Christian Bale!

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Little Susie goes to church every Sunday, but she has trouble staying awake during class...

Little Johnny sits behind her, and one day a nun comes up to Susie and asks her,

“What is the name of out lord and savior?”

Little Johnny pokes Susie in the back with a stick to wake her up, she jolts up and yells

“Jesus Christ!”

“Very good Susie.”

She falls back a...

A priest gives a young nun a lift home from church one day..

As he’s shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun’s knee.

The young nun looks up at the priest and says, “Father, remember Luke 14:10.”

The priest withdraws his hand embarrassed.

Next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher up on her thigh, again the n...

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Two Jews walk past a sign outside a church

“Convert to Christianity now, get $100!”

Micha can’t resist such easy money, and enters the church, while Ben decides to wait outside.

After a while, Micha returns, and Ben asks:

“Well? Did you get the 100 dollars?”

Micha scoffs, and says:

“Money! That’s all you ...

Two old ladies were attending a church service

And about half way through one says:

"I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

The other woman proceeds to lean over slowly and say:

"Put some new batteries in your bloody hearing aids!"

going on social media these days is like going to church

after 5mins, I feel guilty af

It's really nice to see Churches embrace internet technology during this pandemic.

Our priest even bought my son his own Webcam.

Why did the chicken cross the road?







To take a photo in front of a church.

Two older Jewish men walked by a Catholic Church with a sign in front that said “Convert today and get $100”

The first man turned to the second and said “$100?!? I’m going in!” and walked into the church, leaving his friend to wait for him outside. When the first man came back out, the second asked, “OK, so now you’re Catholic but did you at least get the $100?”. The first man gave him a look and said “It’...

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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.

One month later the three coup...

The local nun has always been washing and hanging her clothes outside the church every other day for decades.

But recently, when it came time to collect the dried clothes, it was at least -30C and she just broke her habit.

Have you heard about the Catholic church that is having drive-up confessions due to COVID-19?

It’s called “Toot and Tell or go to Hell”

A kid at church with his parents turned to his mom and said “mom I have to go pee” she looked back and said “we’re in church don’t say pee say whisper”

So the next weekend he looked at his dad and said “dad I need to whisper” and his dad said “do it in my ear”

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She asked me, "Father, what is the church's position on fellatio?"

It reminded me of the first time I was asked that question. It was a lady who had just wedded.

I told her then, "I wish I can tell you, but I don't know what fellatio is." So then she showed me.

Now whenever anyone asks me that question, I tell them... "I wish I can tell you, but I do...

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it...

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One's got hope in her soul. The other has soap in her hole.

A bishop came to my Church.

He was an impostor. Never once moved diagonally.

Man: "Can you tell me how much it is to rent a church singing group?

Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?"

Man: Sure, Father, sure. Can you tell me how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"

A pastor was in his church with his congregation during Coronavirus.

He was praying to God for help to shield them from getting the virus.

An individual in one of the rows stood up and said to the pastor “Matthew 18:20 says Where two or three are gathered in my name there I am with them, so we all don’t have to meet in a large group and will be protected from ...

What does a pride of lions do in church?

They prey.

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Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

Why aren’t chickens allowed in church?

Because they only use fowl language.

His first time visiting white church, my black friend danced for joy and shouted "Hallelujah!" every time the preacher spoke.

That's the last time I invite him to a funeral.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to m...

How much humour does a woman of the church have?

Nun

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front doors of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running towards the exit, trampling over each-other in a frantic effort to try and escape evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious of the fact that God's mortal enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walks up to the man and asks, "do you know who I am?"

The man replies, "yep, sure do."

"Aren...

An old married couple are in church one Sunday

When the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

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Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were ...

A homeless man with poor clothing is walking one day when he sees a church is having a service so he goes inside. When he gets inside a person walks up to him looks at his clothes and tells him to leave.

The man goes and sits outside and has a small cry when a voice behind him says "whats wrong"?. When he explains what has happened the voice replies don't worry my son my name is god and I have been trying to get into that place for years

What do you call a church shooter?

Mass murderer

A holy man was feeling distraught one morning, so he sat alone in his church praying to God for guidance...[long]

The Good Reverend had been giving into indulgence far too often lately; drinking wine, his Tuesday night Poker games, and sneaking peeks at those unmentionable places on the Interwebs.

It had started innocently enough, but the priest was getting carried away and the guilt was finally getting ...

The Church just added an 11th COMMANDMENT.

Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor.

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A man and his wife go to church

The man has a plan since his wife keeps falling asleep during mass. The man brought a pencil with him to poke his wife so that she would stay awake.

During mass, the priest decides to play trivia, at which this point the wife is asleep. The priest asks “Who was atoned for the sins of man?” ...

why did the orphan go to church?

so he had someone to call father

Difference between women coming out of church and women coming out of the bath?

Church women have hope in their souls.

It seems I’ve joined a church run by the Thieves’ Guild.

We’ve been reading the Bribe-al.

A priest was asked whether he had exploited anyone from the church. Father replied:

I have exploited none.

What would you call a war between Area 51 and the Catholic Church?

Alien vs Predator

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher ...

The Catholic Church banned plastic bags from its premises.

They consider them to be sac-religious.

Thanks to COVID-19 both churches and casinos have closed

When heaven and hell both agree on something, you know it's serious!

I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.



Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

What did the Storm Trooper say when he farted in church?

"Pew, pew."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Why don’t church ladies like chicken?

They’re offended by their fowl language.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy asks the Church Priest "What are you doing Father?"

"It's called masturbating. You'll be doing this soon", replies the priest.

"Why Father?"

"Because my wrist is killing me."

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonn...

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

Forget separation of church and state...

... I need separation of home and work.

A man is praying in church.

He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?"



"Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?"



"God, what is a million years to you?"



"Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second."



"Hmm," ...

Because of the coronavirus, churches unable to meet in person this Sunday...

...will be celebrating "E-ster."

I saw my wife slightly drunk, yelling at the TV :”Don’t go in the church, you moron”

She’s watching our wedding video again

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

A church decides that god will protect them from the Corona Virus

As a result, **they all agree that they should not wear masks**, because they trust god so much. Weeks later, they all are infected and die from the virus.

They go to heaven and ask god, **"why didn't you protect us?"**

God responded **"that's what the masks were for you dumbasses"**

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Mary walks into her church weeping and goes to the Priest and bawls "Father. My husband has died"...

The priest says "Oh Mary, I'm so sorry for your loss. I knew Peter, he was a good man. Did he have any last wishes before he died?"

Mary said "Yes Father. He said 'Mary can you please put down the fucking gun'"

Three priests are meeting to discuss how to manage church funds

Three priests are having a meeting and the topic of money comes up. The question each has to answer is what is the best way to decide how much money goes back to God and how much money the priest keeps for himself.

The first priest says that he prefers to completely clear a large table and s...

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A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.

The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

One Sunday, in a church...

...the preacher said out loud: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation shouted,"Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation shouted,"Amen!"

"And if...

The piano at the church stopped working last week

Total organ failure

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Why did the farmer take his milk to the church?

Because it needed to be pastor-ized

Lindsay Lohan at a Church joke

Lindsay Lohan goes to Church but is not sure what the schedule is due to the virus. She spots little Johnny and asks him.

Lindsay Lohan: "Is mass out today"


Little Johnny: "No, but your hat is a bit crooked"


I am going to Hell.

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What does the Catholic Church and Hollywood have in common?

They both have a sense of moral superiority while their elites are sex offenders.

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

While watching Dracula, I was surprised by how good he was at playing the church organ. But then, you know what they say about Count Dracula.

His bite is worse than his Bach.

Why don't skeletons play music in church?

Because they don't have any organs!

Aliens arrive on earth, and the Catholic Church arranges a meeting with them.

They ask the aliens if they believe in god. The aliens respond, “That’s why we came here! Mount Olympus is on Earth, right?”

Do you know why Churches dont make jokes?

They have Nun

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

Two priests from different churches die and meet in hell

Priest 1: Why did you land here in hell?

Priest 2: Well, I was accused by St. Peters of cracking jokes during the service, so he sent me here. How about you?

Priest 1: Yeah, I too was accused of kidding.

Even the Catholic Church is doing its part to combat the coronavirus.

They’re changing one of the commandments to, “thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.”

A Nun was praying when the priest approached her

The Priest Lightly Tapped the Nun on the shoulder and asked her to follow him

The Priest Walked Away and The Nun quickly followed not far behind him

They arrived In a Room Behind the Church

The Priest Went inside the room and gestured for the Nun to do the same

"Sister, C...

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What's the difference between a man praying in a church and a man praying at a blackjack table?

The motherfucker at the blackjack table means it.

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I honestly don’t understand why the church is so against Harry Potter

Nothing guarantees you pre martial virginity more than talking about what animal you patronus would be and what your wand would be made of.

“Jesus loves you” is a beautiful thing to hear at church.

But a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

They're accepting contactless for donations in churches now

I just wish they had contactless priests too.

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

For the 1 year anniversary of the priest Jhon at a church many people came hearing the mayor speech.

The mayor was late so the priest Jhon started talking:

-You know first my expectations for this city was really low the first man who confesses to me was an horrible human being. He cheats on his wife multiple time with different women, he lies to everyone and admits being corrupted in his jo...

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

What’s the difference between a church bell and a politician?

I church bell peals from the steeple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do I hate going to church?

I hate all the sitting kneeling and standing. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

" The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?...

A man goes to church for the first time...

When the service was over, the preacher greeted him at the back doors.

“Preacher, that was a damn fine sermon” the man said.

“Oh my”, said the preacher “we don’t use that kind of language in church”.

“I’m sorry” said the man-“I’m new to church and I’m not really sure what to d...

A priest was knocked out on the way to church

He was quickly rushed to the hospital straight after. Whilst he was being wheeled through the hospital he thankfully woke up and asked one of the nurses “Am I in heaven?”
The nurse replied “No, father, you’re in the children’s ward”

Two Nuns cycling down a Church Lane. One says I have never come this way before.

The other Nun says, nor have I, must be the cobbles.

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

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In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman...

She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy. The young woman replies: "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though."

"Do not worry," the pr...

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

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The priest in a small village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds & discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cockfights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners

in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men ...

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On a fine Sunday the church was full...

The father was preaching while suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "Patrick you Bastard"
In about 20 mins she screams again "Patrick you Bastard"
This goes on through out the whole session and as people were leaving, father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what wa...

I grow and sell fruit to Catholic churches across the country.

I mass produce mass produce.

My local church has just started accepting contactless donations!

I’ve suggested they implement contactless priests

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

One day, a man, upon returning from church carried his wife on his shoulder and started dancing and smiling.

His wife, surprised by his behavior, asked: "Honey, did the pastor preach today on how to be romantic ?"

The husband answered: "No, he said that we should carry our STRESS, BURDENS and SORROWS with joy"

Why did the vegan get kicked out of church?

He said he really enjoyed seitan.

An older man with a touch of dementia wobbles into a Catholic Church, sits down in the confessional booth, but doesn't utter a word. The Priest coughs, hoping to get a response. But the older man just sits and says nothing. Finally the Priest raps his knuckles three times on the screen.

The older guy mumbles, "Don't bother knocking, pal. There's no paper over here either.”

The Pope dies and arrives at Heaven's gates.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

Grandma Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just com...

A plane with 4 passengers...

A plane with 4 passengers aboard is about to crash. The passengers are Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope, and a 10 year old school boy. There are only 3 parachutes - the pope says he needs to sort out the Catholic Church so he grabs a chute and jumps. Trump shouts he has the greatest brain in the...

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Why don't young boys like going to church?

It's a massive pain in the ass.

What do you call a church-owned catapult?

A nunchuck!

In the Catholic Church, the pope is elected for life.

Putin has met with 3 of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.



"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Pati...

My gf broke up with me after I was kicked out of her church, but we still talk sometimes

I call it excommunication

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

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