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A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.

The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

I never shower before church.

I like to sit in my own pew.



Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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Why do I hate going to church?

I hate all the sitting kneeling and standing. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

" The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?...

What is the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in her bath?

The woman in a church has her soul full of hope whereas the woman in her bath has her hole full of soap.

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Why don't young boys like going to church?

It's a massive pain in the ass.

Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir?

Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

A church's bell ringer passed away.

So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting
the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.


They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.


The next ...

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable.

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

Why does the skeleton go to church?

It keeps him on the straight and marrow.

I was runner-up in a 10K race benefiting by my local Catholic church.

Sister Mary ended up placing first. We spoke after the race and she really complimented my running skills. Such a kind and humble lady. She said my ability was second to nun.

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"*Wow!*" the girl shouts. "Now it's *really*...

A drunk staggered into a Catholic church

He entered a confessional booth, sat down and said nothing. The priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the man stayed silent. Finally the priest knocked loudly on the wall three times. The drunk mumbled "Ain't no use in knocking, there's no paper on this side either"

It’s hard to move up with a career in the church

The man at the top never retires.

Saint McDonald’s church of the holy

They have some of the best fryers is the world

I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

Sign found on a laundrette near a church.....

Dirty habits?? No problem

I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

What do Finnish churches and Mortal Kombat have in common?

Finnish hymns

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 
One month later the three coup...

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

What kind of alchohol do you find in church?

Holy spirits!

Why do aliens refuse to destroy churches in movies?

Because the Davis Entertainment Company still owns the right to Alien vs Predator

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

He who farts in church...

Sits in his own pew.

Two painters are painting a church

They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away.

A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch.

"Repaint and thin no more"

We had to say goodbye to the church choir last Sunday.

It was due to unforeseen organ failure.

My own pastor told me this joke at Church

A man is sleeping peacefully in his comfortable bed.

His mother suddenly yells at him, "GET UP! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR CHURCH!"

He groans. "I don't want to go to church."

Mom: "Why not?"

Man: "I don't like any of the people there. They're such goodie goodies, it's boring."...

One time I was in a church and yelled "creeper!!"

Everybody said amen.

Why you'll never see temples/mosques/churches/gurudwara with free WiFi?

It's because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Little Bob went to church with his mom

At some point, he started feeling dizzy and unwell. He turns to his mom and asks: "Mom, can we leave now?"

"No Bob", his mom replied curtly.

"I feel very bad, I think I'm going to throw up".

"Then get out, find a bush to vomit in and come back".

Bob gets up and leaves, th...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What do you call a spider in a catholic church?

Father Longlegs.

What kind of killer targets Catholic churches?

A mass murderer

A Higgs boson walks into a church.

The priest says : Your kind is not welcome here.

Higgs boson: But without me you can’t have mass!

Why do churches have so many statues and paintings featuring naked boys?

Early form of motivational art - to keep employee morale up and remind them what they're working for.

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Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

Did you hear about the earthquake that destroyed 4046.856 square metres of land during church?

Some people call it a massacre

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

Church Priests will hate 9/11 anniversaries from now

Because it turned 18 today

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession.

Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.

Father: When was the last time you made a confession?

Man: I never have, I am Jewish.

Father: Then why are telling ...

Two nuns are riding their bikes to church

The one nun says to the other "I dont beleive I've ever came this way". To which the other nun replies "oh dear sister, it's the cobblestones "

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!

Priests do it all the time

There's these two priests walking out of a church, having a conversation, when a drunk approaches them.

"Hey (hiccup), do you two serve the church?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm the Son of God, so you guys are serving me."

"No, my friend, you are not."

"Really, I am. I can prove it."

"Okay, go ahead and prove it to us."

"Alright (hiccup), follow me."

The two pries...

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Four nuns go to the church, wishing to confess their sins.

One of the nuns go first, talking to the priest.
"Forgive me father, for I have witnessed a man's flesh sword," she says with regret.

"Alright, head up and wash your eyes with this holy water bowl." Says the priest and pushes her aside. "What about you, sister?" He asks the second nun.
...

I tried to start the Church of Teflon

but I couldn't find any adherents.

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[NSFW] When I was 12 I was super sad, so I went to the Catholic Church for help...

But then I was just fucking depriest

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A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest,

"forgive me father, for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed"

The priest asks, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

"Well," the guy says. "I was on the seventeenth hole, and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, perfect ...

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic church.

Oh well...out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

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A Catholic church is burning down

There is a group of choir boys and 2 priest

The priest ask the other priest if they had enough time to save the kids.

He turns around and says "nah fuck em"

The other priest replies " Its gonna be close, might have enough time for a few"

Why doesn't the Church take the issue with priests molesting children seriously?

Because it's a minor problem.

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

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A boy is sitting crying on a church stairs....

A stranger walks by and asks him: Why are you crying little one? What happened?

Boy: \*sobs\* My mother died.

stranger: I´m so sorry, do you want to go in and talk to a priest maybe?

Boy: \*shakes his head\* Not really. I´m really not in the mood for sex right now.

I found a church where they include dairy with communion.

They call it "Cheeses of Nazareth"

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A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.

He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.

The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.

Five minutes pass. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The pries...

Satan appears in the church

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon e...

A group of crows flew into a church during the Sunday service.

It was a Mass murder.

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

What kind of church do two women get married in?

Lesbyterian.

Two thieves go to the church with their loot to confess..

.. their sins to the lord. They both decide to offer some part of the gold they robbed to the church to wash away their wrongdoings. But they couldn't decide how much of each of their loots to offer.

The first one thinks for a minute, draws a foot long circle on the floor and says, "Oh lord, ...

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

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Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

What do you call it when an immigrant walks into a Catholic Church?

Alien vs Predator (this is my son’s joke)

Two Rabbis are walking past a church

They see a sign out front that says:

Convert to Christianity and we'll give you $100

They look at each other and the first Rabbi says "I'm going for it man"
About an hour goes by and he comes back outside. And the second Rabbi says
"Well what happened, did you get the money?"...

There’s a church in my neighborhood called the Glory House

Do you think their walls are holy?

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

One day in a Detroit Church...

A priest asks if anyone has a disability that needs to be prayed for.

A man steps up, “I need help with my hearing!”

The priest prays his heart out for him, a hand on each ear. Once he is finished he asks, “How is your hearing now?”

The man responds, “I don’t know, it’s on Thurs...

Reddit no longer has to fear the Catholic Church!

Now that it has turned 14 the priests are no longer interested.

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."


He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."


The Father says, "You need to say 40 H...

What do you call a bone of the body that defies church teaching?

A blasFEMUR

Why are the churches always clean in Bethlehem

Jesus swept.

My son is in the church choir

I didn’t think he had it in hymn

Did you hear about the disappointing shortage of seats at the Church of Fake Lazer Sounds?

They really need more pews.

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?

They use the pew, pew-pew pews.

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Have you seen a leprechaun nun?

Two lepracauns walk up to the doors of a Catholic Church in Ireland. One of them knocks on the door. The father opened the door and says, "yes, my sons. What can I do for you?" The first leprechaun asks, "tell me father, do you have any leprechaun nuns in your church?" The father, taken aback, says,...

An elderly couple are sitting in church,

The wife leans over and whispers "I just cut a silent but deadly, what do I do now?". The husband replies "You need to change the battery in your hearing aid".

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousan...

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If I take a dump in a church bathroom

is it a Holy Shit?

Rubbing it just ain't the same

A man goes to church and tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife." The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?" The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other." The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putt...

How do churches acquire holy water?

They boil the hell out of it.

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two chur...

Granpa walks into a church

He comes up to the priest and speaks:

-Father, I have sinned...

-What happend? Tell me.

-Few days ago my lady bent over to pick up something from the fridge and I don't know what got to me but I went on her and you know..

-Well she is your lady?

-Yes.

-And y...

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[Long] [NSFW] Three couples wanted to join a very strict church.

As they met with with the Membership Committee, the Lead Elder told them they could join if they passed a simple test of purity.

"All you need to do it abstain from sexual intercourse for six months," he said. "Do that and you are in."

Six months passed and the three couples returned t...

I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

A Husband and Wife are in church listening to a very long and drawn out sermon

After quite a bit of time, the wife gets tired and dozes off. The husband notices this and goes to poke her with his finger to wake her up. At the same time, the priest asks a question to the audience.

"Who freed the slaves from Egypt?"

"GOD" Exclaimed the wife to the husband, very ir...

When I was a kid the police came to the church to ask if anyone knew any child molesters.

The priests fingered me.

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A Buddhist Monk Goes to a Church

He walks up to the door of the church and nails an advertisement to the door.

The next day the Buddhist monk walks back to the church, only to find that his advertisement has been removed. He takes out another advertisement out of his bag, and promptly affixes it to the door with a nail.
...

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences...

"In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There were a few gasps from the parishioners and several of the children began to giggle.

"I loo...

I drove to my local church to donate cheese to their food shelf.

Jesus take the wheel.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "...

On Sunday, it was announced from the pulpit that a large, anonymous donation had been made to the church.

The local butcher stood up: "Yes, I thought that was the best way to do it."

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

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