Gonna dress up as a vaccine this Halloween

since everyone is afraid of them.

What is a meth-heads' favourite part of Halloween?

Only 2 more sleeps until Christmas!

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

This might be the nerdiest joke I know. Here's a bonus mathematical nerd joke:

Why don't riddles work in octal notation?

Because seven ten eleven.

What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

A kid with a speech impediment is trick or treating on Halloween...

At his last door a nice elderly lady opens it and he says the traditional " Bick or beat!" She replied "Oh what do we have hear what are you dressed as little boy?" He proudly replied "I'm a Birate!"
"Oh you're a Pirate!" She responds "Well where are your Buckaneers?" He scowls at the lady and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

For Halloween im gonna be a credit card…

Because I'm always getting denied (by ladies)

My wife wants me to go as a bandaid this Halloween.

But I always have a hard time pulling it off.

When I was young, one Halloween I told my parents, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy."

Exasperated, my mother said, "Don't be Sicily".

Halloween might be the safest day in this pandemic....

Americans will finally be wearing masks

Why is the Mystery Inc not invited to the Halloween party?

They'll unmask everyone if they were invited!

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

There is only one thing I don’t like about Halloween

Which is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought the ex wife some crotchless panties for Halloween...

Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.

What do you call a bunch of kids all dressed up as batman?

Halloween at the orphanage.

For Halloween I was going to dress up as the rising Covid cases

But that doesn’t seem to scare anyone

Wanna know what I am for Halloween?

Alone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese legume go as for Halloween?

An edamummy!

My mate said “There’s only one thing that about Halloween that scares me.”

I asked “Which is?”

“Exactly!” he replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

On Halloween don't wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods.

You'll get Jurasskicked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Halloween trick or treaters knocked my door, dressed as Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

Last Halloween I was driving my son around and we ran into a fire hydrant.

Probably the worst costume I've ever seen.

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

I wore a harp costume to a Halloween party.....

I wore a harp costume to a Halloween party, but my girlfriend thought it was too small. She called me a Lyre.

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

What do Alabamian families do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

Why do hackers celebrate Christmas on Halloween?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

On Halloween, a man and his son came to my house to trick or treat

I asked them what they were both dressed up as and the man said he was dressed as Predator from the movie. As I gave the man some candy, I asked his son what he was dressed as although they were wearing the same thing and he said he was a child predator.

As I gave him some candy I thought wo...

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

It was Halloween and these two guys had a run in with some ghosties and ghoulies.

The lucky one was grabbed by the ghosties.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

I told a knock knock joke while trick or treating last Halloween

I only got a couple Snickers

This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park

What kind of friend says “Let’s go see Saw” and doesn’t turn up?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My crush just asked for pictures of me in my Halloween costume

I sent her my nudes, and I said I'll be going as Adam this year

What's going to be the scariest Halloween decoration this year?

Coffin

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's bad for the environment.

Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Even though it's already Boxing Day I still haven't taken down some of my Halloween decorations

I've got a skeleton in my closet

I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.

I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.

I finally figured out what I’m going to be for Halloween:

Fat.

Did you hear they’re cancelling Halloween this year?

Because nobody would wear a mask.

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

I wanted to buy the perfect Vincent Van Gogh costume for a Halloween party, but couldn't find one.

They were all ear-regular.

Guess what Rudy Giuliani is going to be for Halloween this year??

Hand Stroker’s Drunkula

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

I’m gonna dress up as Jeffrey Epstein for Halloween and crash some parties

I just really don’t wanna hang by myself

Why does the man decorate his house Christmas themed for Halloween?

To scare people who are claustrophobic

What does the gynecologist use on her patients on Halloween? [NSFW]

She uses a **SPOOK**ulum!

What's the scariest costume you will see on Halloween 2020?

A trick-or-treater *without a mask!*

This Halloween my friends and I are going as The Joker

One will be the space cowboy, one will be the gangster of love, and I’ll go as Maurice.

What material did Mario use to make his Halloween costume?

Denim denim denim

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

I don't understand why people are so exited about Halloween

People have been wearing masks for more than half a year now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Halloween joke

A young man in the hospital is smitten with his night nurse, She feels good about him too.
The pain meds he’s on have constipated him and neither want to discuss it. She decides to slip him a laxative to “help” .Just before she’s going to arrive for a visit, he has an accident in the bed, there’...

Corny Halloween

Why should you never goose a ghost?


You might get a handful of sheet !

The one thing that bothers me about Halloween is the Racist Lich that comes around

He's always screaming about Wight Power

How do you fix and update any security issues at halloween?

With a pumpkin patch!

This Halloween was the scariest one on record.

All the kids went as ghosts. And all houses were abandoned.

Silly kids Halloween joke

What does a Pikachu dressed as a ghost say?









Pika-pika booooo

All the nurses are dressing up as witches for Halloween!

They will be scaretakers.

What do you call a Hot Dog on Halloween?

Hot Dog... Why would the date change anything?

I invited one of my friends to a Halloween party.

He said he'll show up like his dad.

He didn't show up.

What is the metric system's favorite Halloween costume?

A skeleton

.

.

(Scale of ten)

Halloween Adventures

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hamm...

I'm dressing my child as The Preadator for Halloween this year

I'm telling people he's a child predator

A good Halloween decoration

If you need a good Halloween decoration, just put up a calendar. Cause nothing is as scary as 2020

A guy at a Halloween party had a girl on his back dressed in green.

The host asked "who's that?" The guy answered "that's Michelle."

You should be a banana for Halloween

Then you know your costume as a-peel!

My wife wanted to dress up as sausages for Halloween

I first tried to talk her out of it by lying, but I had to be frank further down the conversation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Donald Trump and a Halloween Pumpkin have in common?

They're both orange, full of crap and should be thrown out in November.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm excited about Halloween this year

It's the first time in its existence where not wearing a mask will scare the crap out of people.

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

This Halloween is going to be pretty boring...

...with half the country refusing to wear masks.

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

Why couldn't the redneck go as a ghost for Halloween?

Because he was told a redneck in a white sheet was a bad idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two ghosts dressed up as bees for Halloween???

Boobees....

A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

My sister dressed up as a deer for Halloween.

All my friends fawned over her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween

but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass

Halloween is about to be so disappointing.

Might end up just dressing as a handyman and getting some stuff done around the house.

I was thinking of going as a Band-Aid this Halloween, but then I decided against it.

I think it would be hard to pull off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy who fucks his cousin on Halloween?

A pumpkin.

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a Halloween themed Fleshlight called?

A Jackoff-lantern.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

Halloween was last month?

Feels like it was yesterday

Why does Eminem hate Halloween?

Too many ghostwriters

Did you hear about the dog who tried to dress up as a cat but got sick at a Halloween costume party?

He said he wasn't feline well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pandas say on Halloween?

Bam-BOO!

That's the entire joke but this subreddit won't let me post such a short joke, so I'll tell a little story like one of those irritating-as-fuck internet recipe intros that gives WTMI.
My four year old is fascinated by finding the perfect joke. He'll often pick up on jokes from tv ...

Me and my little sister were talking about our plans for Halloween this year

At the very least, we'll all wear masks

Fun Fact: Halloween falls on Friday the 13th this year

Go ahead dumbass, look it up

Halloween Joke

A little boy with a speach impediment went out trick or treating, and about half way through the night, he came upon an old lady's house.
Boy: Twick err Tweet
Old lady: Oh Goodness, a Pirate!! But, where are your buccaneers?
Boy: with a really confused look, points to his ears and says "ri...

FREE Halloween costume idea:

Set yourself on fire and go as the planet.

A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back

His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?"

"A turtle" the man replied

"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask

"Oh, thats just Michelle"

To the kids who teepeed my house this past Halloween:

The joke’s on you now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a perfect excuse to not go to the Halloween party

I'll simply dress up as my sex life

Two Filipino kids go trick or treating on Halloween...

...At the first house they go up to, a lady answers the door.

She says, "oh how cute are you two? Let me guess what you are..."

To the first kid she says, "With your tiara and wand, you must be a princess?"

the first kid says, "Yes! I am a princess!"

The lady says to the ...

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