There is only one thing I don’t like about Halloween

Which is

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

A little boy is dressed as a pirate captain for Halloween.

He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers.

She says "Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be?"

He says "I am a pirate captain".

She says "Well--where are your buccaneers?"

He says "Right here under my bucken hat."

For Halloween im gonna be a credit card.

Because I'm always getting denied

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

On Halloween, a man and his son came to my house to trick or treat

I asked them what they were both dressed up as and the man said he was dressed as Predator from the movie. As I gave the man some candy, I asked his son what he was dressed as although they were wearing the same thing and he said he was a child predator.

As I gave him some candy I thought wo...

What do Alabamian families do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
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**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought the ex wife some crotchless panties for Halloween...

Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.

Wanna know what I am for Halloween?

Alone

For Halloween I was going to dress up as the rising Covid cases

But that doesn’t seem to scare anyone

Last Halloween I was driving my son around and we ran into a fire hydrant.

Probably the worst costume I've ever seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese legume go as for Halloween?

An edamummy!

Why do hackers celebrate Christmas on Halloween?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

My mate said “There’s only one thing that about Halloween that scares me.”

I asked “Which is?”

“Exactly!” he replied.

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Halloween trick or treaters knocked my door, dressed as Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

A mathematician walks into a pub on Halloween.

The bartender hands him a menu with all of the holiday specials. The mathematician orders a “pumpkin porter.” When he finishes it, he orders a “witch’s brew.”

Later, he orders a pint of “Santa stout.” After paying his tab, the mathematician leaves.

An old guy sitting at the end of the...

I told a knock knock joke while trick or treating last Halloween

I only got a couple Snickers

It was Halloween and these two guys had a run in with some ghosties and ghoulies.

The lucky one was grabbed by the ghosties.

On Halloween don't wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods.

You'll get Jurasskicked.

What did the turkey dress up as for Halloween?

Goblin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My crush just asked for pictures of me in my Halloween costume

I sent her my nudes, and I said I'll be going as Adam this year

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park

What kind of friend says “Let’s go see Saw” and doesn’t turn up?

I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.

I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's bad for the environment.

Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Why was Count Dracula not invited to the Halloween party?

Because everyone thought he sucked

What's going to be the scariest Halloween decoration this year?

Coffin

I finally figured out what I’m going to be for Halloween:

Fat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a shitty year for Halloween monsters

Real life has been a lot scarier

I’m gonna dress up as Jeffrey Epstein for Halloween and crash some parties

I just really don’t wanna hang by myself

Guess what Rudy Giuliani is going to be for Halloween this year??

Hand Stroker’s Drunkula

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

What does the gynecologist use on her patients on Halloween? [NSFW]

She uses a **SPOOK**ulum!

This Halloween my friends and I are going as The Joker

One will be the space cowboy, one will be the gangster of love, and I’ll go as Maurice.

Why does the man decorate his house Christmas themed for Halloween?

To scare people who are claustrophobic

What material did Mario use to make his Halloween costume?

Denim denim denim

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Halloween joke

A young man in the hospital is smitten with his night nurse, She feels good about him too.
The pain meds he’s on have constipated him and neither want to discuss it. She decides to slip him a laxative to “help” .Just before she’s going to arrive for a visit, he has an accident in the bed, there’...

I don't understand why people are so exited about Halloween

People have been wearing masks for more than half a year now

This Halloween was the scariest one on record.

All the kids went as ghosts. And all houses were abandoned.

Corny Halloween

Why should you never goose a ghost?


You might get a handful of sheet !

How do you fix and update any security issues at halloween?

With a pumpkin patch!

I wanted to buy the perfect Vincent Van Gogh costume for a Halloween party, but couldn't find one.

They were all ear-regular.

Happy Halloween: Who knows how much 2000 decomposed bodies weigh?

A skeleton.

The one thing that bothers me about Halloween is the Racist Lich that comes around

He's always screaming about Wight Power

What's the scariest costume you will see on Halloween 2020?

A trick-or-treater *without a mask!*

All the nurses are dressing up as witches for Halloween!

They will be scaretakers.

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

What is the metric system's favorite Halloween costume?

A skeleton

.

.

(Scale of ten)

I invited one of my friends to a Halloween party.

He said he'll show up like his dad.

He didn't show up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spooky Halloween time!

Along a dark road. On a dark night, a man was walking home. A fog rolls in. The man puts his ear buds in. Listening to classical. A little bit of Bach never hurt anyone. The man, in the middle of "Toccata and Fugue in D minor" hears a loud bang behind him.

It wasn't metal or a gun or a firewo...

Silly kids Halloween joke

What does a Pikachu dressed as a ghost say?









Pika-pika booooo

A good Halloween decoration

If you need a good Halloween decoration, just put up a calendar. Cause nothing is as scary as 2020

Did you hear they’re cancelling Halloween this year?

Because nobody would wear a mask.

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year

Wear a mask!!!

This Halloween will have a full moon, only happens every 400 years...

It’s gonna be lit!!

You should be a banana for Halloween

Then you know your costume as a-peel!

Halloween Adventures

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hamm...

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I'm excited about Halloween this year

It's the first time in its existence where not wearing a mask will scare the crap out of people.

My wife wanted to dress up as sausages for Halloween

I first tried to talk her out of it by lying, but I had to be frank further down the conversation.

Halloween is about to be so disappointing.

Might end up just dressing as a handyman and getting some stuff done around the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

This Halloween is going to be pretty boring...

...with half the country refusing to wear masks.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

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A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

I was thinking of going as a Band-Aid this Halloween, but then I decided against it.

I think it would be hard to pull off.

A guy at a Halloween party had a girl on his back dressed in green.

The host asked "who's that?" The guy answered "that's Michelle."

Why couldn't the redneck go as a ghost for Halloween?

Because he was told a redneck in a white sheet was a bad idea.

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

Why did the spider get on the computer?

To check his website.



This is my son's favorite joke and he wanted me to post it for Halloween.

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Donald Trump and a Halloween Pumpkin have in common?

They're both orange, full of crap and should be thrown out in November.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy who fucks his cousin on Halloween?

A pumpkin.

Me and my little sister were talking about our plans for Halloween this year

At the very least, we'll all wear masks

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two ghosts dressed up as bees for Halloween???

Boobees....

Did you hear about the dog who tried to dress up as a cat but got sick at a Halloween costume party?

He said he wasn't feline well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

What is a skeletons favorite snack?

Ribs.

My son wanted me to post this one too!

Happy Halloween!

Why does Eminem hate Halloween?

Too many ghostwriters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a Halloween themed Fleshlight called?

A Jackoff-lantern.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pandas say on Halloween?

Bam-BOO!

That's the entire joke but this subreddit won't let me post such a short joke, so I'll tell a little story like one of those irritating-as-fuck internet recipe intros that gives WTMI.
My four year old is fascinated by finding the perfect joke. He'll often pick up on jokes from tv ...

Fun Fact: Halloween falls on Friday the 13th this year

Go ahead dumbass, look it up

Halloween was last month?

Feels like it was yesterday

Dad's Shortcut

Dad used to tell us about the time he took a short cut home on Halloween. He grew up on a farm in western New York state, and at the time Halloween meant going out with his friend, Tommy, to do pranks. They had been out pranking drivers by tying a couple tin cans to the two ends of a long string, ...

To the kids who teepeed my house this past Halloween:

The joke’s on you now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

' 911, what's your emergency '

'Heyy, I know its been a week since Halloween is over But I'm seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighbours tree is not a Decoration '

halloween, the one day a year money really does grow on trees

while in the age of covid-19 at least

My sister dressed up as a deer for Halloween.

All my friends fawned over her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween

but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass

Two Filipino kids go trick or treating on Halloween...

...At the first house they go up to, a lady answers the door.

She says, "oh how cute are you two? Let me guess what you are..."

To the first kid she says, "With your tiara and wand, you must be a princess?"

the first kid says, "Yes! I am a princess!"

The lady says to the ...

Halloween Joke

A little boy with a speach impediment went out trick or treating, and about half way through the night, he came upon an old lady's house.
Boy: Twick err Tweet
Old lady: Oh Goodness, a Pirate!! But, where are your buccaneers?
Boy: with a really confused look, points to his ears and says "ri...

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the boos!!!!

Happy Halloween redditors!!!

FREE Halloween costume idea:

Set yourself on fire and go as the planet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a perfect excuse to not go to the Halloween party

I'll simply dress up as my sex life

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

There are three certainties in life:

Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.

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