A cabbie picks up a nun.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.


She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and ha...

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

It's Halloween and a little boy dressed as a pirate goes up to the door and yells "Trick or treat!"

The man opens the door, and upon seeing the little boy says "Hey matey! Where's your buccaneers?"

The little boy says "Under my bunkin' hat!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last Halloween, I dressed as premature ejaculation

I just came in my pants.

What's a child molester's favorite thing about Halloween?

Free Delivery!

A kid is Trick or Treating on Halloween

He goes up to a door and knocks. A man opens the door and asks "What are you supposed to be?" The kid says "I'm a birate." The man asks "Do you mean pirate?" The kid says "No, I mean birate." The man asks "Well, what's that on your shoulder?" The kid says "It's my barrot." The man asks "Don't you me...

Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

There’s only one thing I don’t like about Halloween

Which is

What do people from Alabama do on Halloween?

PUMP-KIN

A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back....

The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"...

I went to a halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken

So we're at a Halloween party....

And a dementor kissed my boyfriend. He doesn't seem affected. Should I be worried?

Was told this year I can’t put up my Halloween decoration..

Which is a shame I thought a sign saying “child molester” was really scary.

A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back

His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?"

"A turtle" the man replied

"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask

"Oh, thats just Michelle"

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp

The host asked me: What are you?

Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.

Host: You're costume is too short to be a harp

Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

What do you call a reindeer on Halloween?

A cariboo.......

I'll see myself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween

but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass

A dad buys his son a halloween costume

-Dad,can I take the price tag off now?It's really annoying..
-No,keep it until we get home so we can really scare mom

6 more months until Halloween

Which means 2 more weeks until stores start putting out Halloween decorations.

Why do we use buckets at Halloween and baskets for Easter?

Because baskets are more holey

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy shows up to a Halloween party...

No shoes, shirt, socks...

The hosts asks: what are you supposed to be?

A pre-mature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.

A MtF Trans woman goes to a Halloween costume party...

But she shows up in her regular clothes. The party goers ask "did you forget this was a costume party?"

She replies "Oh I remembered. I'm dressed as one of the X-Men."

I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.

I didn’t show up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Halloween is a day to dress up as something you're not

That's why most girls go as something sexy

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER.....

What’s the difference between Halloween and Christmas?

The supermarkets don’t seem to know either.

What is Caitlyn Jenner going as for Halloween?

An Ex-Man

Preemptive Edit: Proudly! Proudly going as an Ex-Man! Yikes....

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

What do rednecks like to do for Halloween?

Pump kin

What do you call a dirty Halloween film?

Things that go Hump in the Night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boss is hosting a costume party for Halloween

We see all the usual costumes, that you buy at the store, and even a few homemade ones, but I noticed that the intern was only wearing a pair of jeans. We’re all trying to figure out what his costume is, a shitty hulk? That Kylo Ren meme? Nobody knows, until one person walks up to him and asks:
<...

What’s a hillbillies favourite thing to do on Halloween?

Pump Kin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'

'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

Little Johnny wore his Halloween costume to Christmas dinner.

Dad allowed it since oct(31) = dec(25)

My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

On Halloween night, a kid knocks on this man’s door. As the man opens the door...

Kid: Bick ‘r beat!

Man: I’m sorry, what was that?

Kid: Bick ‘r beat!

Man: Oh, you mean ‘trick or treat’?

Kid: Yeah! Bick ‘r beat!

Man: Ok, so what are you supposed to be, young man?

Kid: I’m a birate!

Man: Could you say that again?

Kid: A birat...

What similarities does Trump share with the Halloween Pumpkin?

Other than the obvious, both are orange...

1) They are hollow inside and...

2) ..should be thrown out in November!

Why is halloween candy so similar to anti-vax kids?

Because both dont last very long

Why do meth heads like Halloween so much?

Just 2 more sleeps 'til Christmas!

I don’t celebrate Halloween but if I did I’d be carving your face

Cause I always make my pumpkin smile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her "What are you suppose to be?"

She said, "Puss in boots."

So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, "Who the fuck are you suppose to be?"

I said, "If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator..."

What does a panda eat on Halloween?

BamBOO

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The woman stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want."

So the husband also took off all his clothes and tied a string to his penis with ...

A kid from the Make A Wish Foundation told me he wanted to be Batman for Halloween...

So I murdered his parents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I told my girlfriend to dress up as the "Like Button" for Halloween...

So I could SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m gonna be a hero for Halloween

I’m gonna be the guy that killed Hitler

Why did the man dressed as a ghost get kicked out of the Halloween party?

He showed up sheetfaced.

The ghosts have begun planning for Halloween this year

Beware, they're quite the cunning strategeists

A kid asks his greedy father money to buy a police costume for Halloween

He told him just go undercover.

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

My friend asked if I wanted to be the Terminator or a 17th century composer for halloween

So I said "I'll be Bach"

What is r/jokes favorite Halloween costume?

Repost Malone

What's the best part about being a meth head on Halloween?

Just two more sleeps till Christmas!

Every Halloween my dad dresses up as a superhero.

He is the invisible man

I went as the Air for Halloween

But everyone saw right through my disguise.

A Halloween Joke

A skeleton, a jack-o-lantern, and a scarecrow are hanging out in a corn field.

The skeleton fancies the jack-o-lantern and says, “Never have I seen eyes shine as bright as yours, only adding to the beauty of such a glowing smile.”

The jack-o-lantern, however has a crush on the scare c...

I'm gonna be Sayori for halloween!

Look, I've even got the rope and footstool ready!

I went to a Halloween party dressed as an egg and hooked up with a guy dressed as a chicken.

The classic debate was finally resolved that night. It was the chicken.

Friend:- What’s your last minute costume for Halloween)

Me:- Anything that can have the word disappointing it front of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kid knocked on my door the night before Halloween...

I opened the door and he shouted

“Trick or Treat !”

I replied back to him

“It’s not even Halloween yet and what have you come as then?”

“A Werewolf!”

He shouts again, I replied...

“But you’re just in normal clothes”

And the little shit said

...

I was told to dress as the scariest thing possible for the Halloween party...

How do I dress as my student debt?

I saw the best Halloween costume. The guy had dirty clothes, dried blood- the works.

“Zombie?” I guessed.
“No. Art major.”

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

Halloween

I’m going to be brett kavanaugh for Halloween so even the houses that don’t have candy can give me candy.



Because I can’t take no for an answer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made my front yard into a cemetery for Halloween... then my neighbor put a fog breathing dragon on his roof.

I told him if he wanted a dick measuring contest he could have asked his wife.

What did the Mongolians give out for Halloween?

Khandy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have sex on Halloween, is it a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

Well it’s only a graveyard smash if she’s had a abortion

Q: What is the scariest Halloween decoration theme for 2018?







A: Saudi Arabian consulate

I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hotdog.

I'm on a roll.

Today a trick or treater came to my door looking for halloween candies.

I gave him a chocolate bar and on his way out he shouted "your wife is pretty". Needless to say the wife got excited and said cute what was he dressed up as. My response was easy "He was dressed up as a blind kid apparently"

Why can't ghosts have babies? [Halloween Joke]

Because they have hollow-weenies!

My Friend Dressed Up As A Monocle For Halloween

He made a spectacle of himself

Belated halloween joke

One moonless night, a man is walking home from the pub. He's whistling to himself and enjoying the cool night air when he hears a distant thumping behind him. He thinks nothing of it and continues on his way.

Soon, he notices that the thumping noise is getting louder..

"thump.. thump.....

What does Charlie Brown on Halloween and a U.S. Marine finding out where hes getting deployed in 2004 have in common?

They can both be heard dejectedly saying "I got a rock."

I should’ve dressed up as an A-10 pilot named Ernest for Halloween.

Then I could say I’m “Brrrrrrrrrrrrt and Ernie.”

I would dress up as a Procrastinator for Halloween.

Never mind, I’ll do it later

As Halloween Approaches, it's Important to Remember the 'Golden Rule' of Being a Ghost:

Boo unto others as you would have them boo unto you.

My daughter baked home-made yucky-looking cookies for Halloween.

It was a Gross Domestic Product.

I am going to dress up as a police officer for Halloween

At least I'll scare the black guys

Me and my friends went as famous musicians for Halloween.

While everyone decided who they would be I said
"I'll go buy my costume now, then I'll be bach"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dressed as a donkey for halloween...

But Facebook has revealed that I made a total ass of myself.

This year for Halloween, I'm going to use my arthritis to really help bring my zombie costume to life

Paaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnsss

Last Halloween i dressed up as Julius Caesar, and my friends ditched me

Talk about getting stabbed in the back

Pirate for Halloween

A little boy with a speech impediment dressed as pirate for Halloween. He knocked on the door and when the lady answered he said "pick or peat". The lady asked what? He replied "pick or peat" and shook is bag. The lady said oh trick or treat and the little boy shook his head yes.

The lady th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers ready for Halloween.

There's nothing sexual in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw the girl i had sex with on Halloween yesterday

I don't know why she was still dressed up as a guy though...

Last Halloween, Schwarzenegger, while carrying a piano over his shoulders, throws me an organ.

"What's this for?" I say.

He replies, "I'll be Bach.

And you be Beethoven."

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