UPJOKE
christmaseastervigilsaintirelandjack-o'-lanterncelebrationmeat-free daydayhallowe'enfrankensteinpaganismpumpkinbonfireholiday

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A guy goes to a Halloween party in just his jeans

No shoes or shirt nothing but jeans. He’s making his rounds and enjoying some drinks and the comes up to him and asks, “So what are you supposed to be?” The guys responds, “I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host pauses for a second really staring at this guy’s costume and finally says, “I don’t get ...

Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?



Because it would dampen his spirits.

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

A guy walks into a bar on Halloween

A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a were...

A Halloween joke I made up when I was 12: What did Dracula name his boat?

The Blood Vessel

I'm going as Cocaine for Halloween.

That way someone will do me in the bathroom.

My disabled friend wants to be a Band-Aid for Halloween but he’s got no arms…

I don’t know how he expects to pull it off

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

What do you call a DJ on Halloween?

The boogie-man

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

I swapped the wrappers around on my wife's Halloween candy.

She didn't appreciate the joke at all. Now she's got her Snickers in a Twix over it.

I don't get Halloween. It's perfectly fine for kids to go to strangers homes and ask for candy.

But I go driving around in my van offering kids candy, I get reported to the police!

A friend of mine worked at a production line for a toy factory, producing Dracula dolls. Shortly before Halloween, demand was high, but he only had one colleague.

So he had to make every second Count.

Got sent home from work for my Halloween costume..

Apparently, being a brillo pad was too abrasive for some people.

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I dressed up as a wrench for Halloween

My wife got mad called me a fucking tool.

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”

What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party.

A pair of hot twin sisters, one blonde, the other brunette get invited to a Halloween party. The theme is "snacks" so they decide to go as a pair of popular candy bars.
The party is a real blast and the brunette is having tons of fun, but the blonde is just kind of off to herself with no one giv...

What do people in Alabama like to do for Halloween?

Pump-kin

The Competition - Wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So, he organized a little competition.

The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.

The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood.

Dracula was impresse...

When Bill Cosby passes away I'm going to dress as his final resting place for Halloween.

I hope my Cos Tomb gets compliments.

What do people in Seattle call a group of little kids dressed as ghosts for Halloween?

A micro-boo-ery!

Happy Halloween :)

My friend Brian is having a rough time of it this Halloween.

He was attacked by dyslexic zombies.

Happy spooky day!

Halloween joke

What do Dracula's girlfriend and a bad boxer have in common?

They both go down for the count!

This Halloween, I stopped the pranksters before they covered my house with eggs again.

We met up for negotiations and signed a trick or treaty.

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

I thought of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.

It’s really hard to pull it off.

a guy walks into a bar for a Halloween party...

and is surprised to see the bar decorated for Christmas. "What's with the Christmas decorations?" the guy asks the bartender. "I thought this was supposed to be a spooky Halloween party." "Oh, these decorations are very scary for a lot of people," the bartender replies. "We're gonna terrify people w...

A guy walks into a bar on Halloween

"Have you decided on a costume for our Halloween party tonight?" the bartender asks. "Yes, I've decided to come as a period," the guy replies. "I'll just show up late and scare the hell out of everyone."

For this Halloween, I will dress up as a candle

This way, every girl i meet can blow me

What’s the top halloween costume worn in New Jersey?

A gaba-ghoul

Why are cornfield mazes part of our Halloween tradition?

They are exceptionally ear-ie.

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Superman went to a Halloween party

Someone was dressed as a Bitcoin.

Someone dressed as a Dogecoin.

Someone else dressed asEthereum.

Superman was pissed.

He didn't realize it was gonna be a Crypto night.

It's almost Halloween

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You can tell its getting closer to Halloween," the guy tells the bartender. "Just today I saw a gal dressed up like Snow White working in the shoe store down in the local shopping center .... She was the fairest of the mall."

Jack is hosting a halloween costume party

Jack is hosting a Halloween costume party. He sends invitations to every one of his friends. He prepares excellent food, hires a band for music, sets up the tables and furniture, et cetera.

Then the big day comes. All of Jack’s friends come dressed in their finest costumes. Frankenstein’s Mon...

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Halloween party

Bob decides to throw a costume party for Halloween. He has an excellent turnout and the party is packed wall to wall. Everyone is dressed up... well almost everyone. Bob sees his co-worker George across the party just wearing a pair of jeans, no shirt shoes or socks, just jeans. So Bob decides to co...

My 6 year old’s halloween joke

Q. What do ghosts have on their bottom?

A. A boo-ty

I went to a Halloween party

I decided to dress as a clown. On my way to the party, a man in a suit stopped me. He said he was glad he finally found me. I had to explain that he must have me confused for somebody else, but he told me I was dressed like him. I explained that I was just wearing a costume, but he laughed it of...

Why does a witch not wear underwear on Halloween?

So she can get a better grip on her broom

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

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My wife said she was going to come to the Halloween party dressed as our Sex life

So she didn’t come

I dressed up as a UDP packet for Halloween…

…but I don’t think anyone got it.

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

I'm going to dress up as a Subaru head gasket for Halloween.

There's a really good chance I'll get blown.

I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween.

It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

How did one vampire give COVID to the other one?

By coffin on him!

Happy Halloween :)

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar during the town's annual Halloween celebration. "I'd sure like to try out that giant corn maze they set up, but I'm afraid I'd get lost and kill half the day in there," the guy tells the bartender. "There is actually a guide you can hire that will take you through the entire l...

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey...

The bartender gives him one, looks at him head to toe, and asks, "So, what did you dress up for this Halloween?"

The man replies, "A nine-carbon chain".

The bartender chuckles and says, "A nine-carbon chain with alcohol?"

"Yeah, any problem with that?"

"No, nonanol"
...

A guy walks into a bar

"Haven't seen you in a while. Did you have a good Halloween?" the bartender asks. "Sure did. My wife and I dressed up as Peruvian Owls," the guy tells the bartender. "We were Inca hoots."

What did Matthew McConaughey say when he was turned into a zombie?

Yes, of course:

"I'll rot, I'll rot, I'll rot!"

Happy Halloween!

He has a nun fantasy

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:

\- “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers,

\- ”My son, you...

Strangely, my son farts a lot whenever it's Halloween.

That's why he always dresses up as Jack the Ripper.

At a Halloween party

A: What are you dressed as?

B: I'm a harp.

A: Your costume's too small to be a harp.

B: Are you calling me a lyre?

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

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Halloween Party

Frank decided to have a Halloween party and asked everyone has to come as an emotion. On the night of the party there was a knock on the door.

Frank opened the door to see John dressed in all blue. Frank asked what is he dressed as and John answered he’s blue with sadness. Frank said great...

Do we even need Halloween anymore?

I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for 14 months...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

Yo mamma so fat…

For Halloween she put on a bedsheet and went as Antarctica.

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.

He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

Of all the holidays that jehova witnesses should celebrate...

... You'd think halloween would be it. Knocking on strangers doors, how could they pass that up?!

Three blondes die in a car crash and find themselves at the Pearly Gates in front of Saint Peter.

He says, "Before I let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. What is Easter?"



"Oh," says the first blonde. "That's that time in the fall when you go door to door collecting candy."

"No," says Peter. "That's Halloween."


"Oh," says the second blonde. "That'...

A tip for younger married men

If your wife walks into the room and asks what you think of the dress she just bought, DO NOT ask her if it’s for Halloween.

I am in the doghouse…

A monster party

To celebrate Halloween, the classic Halloween monsters decided to throw a party. At full swing, some of the monsters decided to have a drink and sit down.

The werewolf said, “I can’t believe everyone came!”

Dracula chuckled and said, “Yes, this is a good party.”

Frankenstein’s m...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Boy the Halloween vandals and pranksters hit my neighborhood hard already. They destroyed a bunch of street signs," he tells the bartender. "They really pulled out all the stops."

Do you know what I love?

Halloween. There's nothing quite like the look on a kids face after they take a bite of a big ole caramel covered onion.

Halloween logic-gate joke I came up with

What do you call someone who will always banish one of 2 spirits, but never both?

An XORcist

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

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This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

My love life has been vacant for so long...

... it became a Spirit Halloween.

When one door closes...

A Spirit Halloween store opens.

How do Halloween characters listen to their music?

Scare pods

For Halloween, I'm getting plastered.

I don't drink, I'm just going as a white guy.

I’d make a skeleton joke for Halloween

But you wouldn’t find it very humerus.

How can you tell Halloween is just around the corner?

Stores start putting out their Christmas decorations.

halloween joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife. I went to a costume party, and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They'd come to the party together dressed as t...

(OC) I always wanted to be a ghost for Halloween

Mom thought it was a good idea because when I was up to something she could see right through me, but Dad said I was too dense.

It’s so hot this summer…

The Halloween candy at Walmart is starting to melt.

the day after halloween, a trick or treater knocked on my door.....

he was dressed in just red tights and a red spandex shirt, red sneakers, red hat.

i said to him, "sorry little buddy, halloween is over, i dont have anything for you today...what are you supposed to be anyway>?"

he said "im a period, sorry im late..scared ya didnt i?"


...

I miss Halloween

I can no longer take free candy from creepy strangers.

I need a woman to help with my Halloween costume this year. I’ll be a zombie

And you lay there and get eaten.

I used to use a Halloween themed dating app

I left because I kept getting ghosted.

Why did Casper oversleep on Halloween?

He had too much boos!

I'm not putting any Halloween or Christmas stuff in my yard this year.

I'm just going to stand on my back porch reciting the Gettysburg address. That will be my deck oration.

A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

This might be the nerdiest joke I know. Here's a bonus mathematical nerd joke:

Why don't riddles work in octal notation?

Because seven ten eleven.

Got dumped on Halloween…

Well at least she didn’t ghost me

I don't know why we put up those Halloween decorations at work.

We already have a skeleton crew.

How did the Halloween store stay open during the labor shortage?

They operated with a skeleton crew.

My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney's Up for Halloween.

I'll dress up as an old guy and she'll dress up as a tombstone.

A Halloween costume idea

A nurse walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Are you coming to our big Halloween party?" the bartender asks. "Yes, I've already planned my costume. I'm going to come as a horrible monster made entirely out of blood," the nurse says. "I'm going to be a hemogoblin."

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Here's a Halloween joke!

Three guys run into a museum to hide from the hoard of zombies coming down the road. While looking for something to eat and drink one of the survives finds a golden lamp and out pops a genie roaring out.

“You can have three wishes. So what is the first wish?” One man says ” I want to go back...

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I had the strangest visitors this halloween…

As I opened the door, there stood three men. One butt naked with only a glass jar over his pecker, one in overalls and one furiously masturbating.

After overcoming my initial shock, I asked the man in overalls what the fuck they were doing here. He replied:”hey, sweetie, wanna do it machinist...

Visiting Nan's for Halloween

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

Why couldn't the redneck dress as a ghost for Halloween?

His daddy had already taken all the white sheets.

What did one pumpkin say to the other after the halloween party?

Damn! We got lit last night!

A boy dresses up as a politician for Halloween

A boy dresses up as a politician for Halloween. His father speaks to him.

Father: What are you dressed as son?

Boy: I'm a politician dad!

Father: I'm not convinced, son. You haven't said anything controversial yet.

The boy pauses for a few seconds before speaking.

...

A kid with a speech impediment is trick or treating on Halloween...

At his last door a nice elderly lady opens it and he says the traditional " Bick or beat!" She replied "Oh what do we have hear what are you dressed as little boy?" He proudly replied "I'm a Birate!"
"Oh you're a Pirate!" She responds "Well where are your Buckaneers?" He scowls at the lady and ...

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A Halloween tale of horror

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. With Halloween coming up they start talking about things that scared them when they were kids. "When I was a kid, my brother told me that earwigs actually lived in your ears and crawled inside to eat your brains. And I believed him," he tells the barten...

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

What is a meth-heads' favourite part of Halloween?

Only 2 more sleeps until Christmas!

It was Halloween in a southern town in the USA.

A Boy wanted to wear a costume for Halloween but he didn't own any so he went to his Mother to ask her to go shopping in order to get one. But her mother said, "Oh I think your Father had a ghost costume at home, let me get it!" She later returned and put the costume on the Boy. The Boy said, "The c...

Halloween is strange

Halloween is the only time of year you can point out that someone's children are little monsters and not have them take offense.

Halloween joke:

Checked into an AirBnB. The owner warned me the sofa was haunted,
Turned out it was an upholstergheist.

Halloween Dinner

\[True Story\]

My wife decided to make something new this Halloween. She made a meat loaf in the shape of a small coffin. She then placed it on a plate in a bed of fresh peas.



She called the dish "Rest in Peas."

I heard there's a pretty good Halloween display in the Los Angeles Harbor this year.

Everywhere you look is quite the freight.

A Halloween joke for you

Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're ...

My neighbor knocked on my door and said it was too early to decorate my house for Halloween

Big talk from someone who wears her witch costume year-round.

In honor of his being the first 90 year old in space, I’m going as the Star Trek Cleveland Steamer for Halloween

Just as soon as I perfect my William Shatner chest costume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate Halloween

Zombies are stupid, vampires suck, werewolves can bite me, and succubi? Fuck em.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought the ex wife some crotchless panties for Halloween...

Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.

When I was young, one Halloween I told my parents, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy."

Exasperated, my mother said, "Don't be Sicily".

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.

"Trick or treat!"

"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"

"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"

Why is the Mystery Inc not invited to the Halloween party?

They'll unmask everyone if they were invited!

I was going to make a nun costume for Halloween, but now I'm hesitant...

They say it's habit forming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do folks in West Virginia do for Halloween?

Pump Kin

A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.

The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

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Despair

I was going to a Halloween party and the theme was to dress up like an emotion. Well i showed up with nothing but a pear covering my twig and berries. when everybody was like ,"what the hell man?" I said "what? I'm fucking despair"

Why do hackers celebrate Christmas on Halloween?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

For Halloween I was going to dress up as the rising Covid cases

But that doesn’t seem to scare anyone

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese legume go as for Halloween?

An edamummy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween

but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass

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