Did you hear they’re cancelling Halloween this year?

Because nobody would wear a mask.

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

A guy at a Halloween party had a girl on his back dressed in green.

The host asked "who's that?" The guy answered "that's Michelle."

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

Why couldn't the redneck go as a ghost for Halloween?

Because he was told a redneck in a white sheet was a bad idea.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

I was going to dress up as a police officer for Halloween this year

But my friends protested.

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

There was a costume party on Halloween...

Everyone was there except one guy

Many people asked him why his brother never showed up

His reply was, “Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween.”

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

Me and my little sister were talking about our plans for Halloween this year

At the very least, we'll all wear masks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy who fucks his cousin on Halloween?

A pumpkin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Did you hear about the dog who tried to dress up as a cat but got sick at a Halloween costume party?

He said he wasn't feline well.

Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two ghosts dressed up as bees for Halloween???

Boobees....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Donald Trump and a Halloween Pumpkin have in common?

They're both orange, full of crap and should be thrown out in November.

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pandas say on Halloween?

Bam-BOO!

That's the entire joke but this subreddit won't let me post such a short joke, so I'll tell a little story like one of those irritating-as-fuck internet recipe intros that gives WTMI.
My four year old is fascinated by finding the perfect joke. He'll often pick up on jokes from tv ...

Fun Fact: Halloween falls on Friday the 13th this year

Go ahead dumbass, look it up

Why do engineers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because OCT 31= DEC 25.

There is only one thing i dont like about halloween

Which is...

To the kids who teepeed my house this past Halloween:

The joke’s on you now

halloween, the one day a year money really does grow on trees

while in the age of covid-19 at least

Why does Eminem hate Halloween?

Too many ghostwriters

Halloween was last month?

Feels like it was yesterday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

Two Filipino kids go trick or treating on Halloween...

...At the first house they go up to, a lady answers the door.

She says, "oh how cute are you two? Let me guess what you are..."

To the first kid she says, "With your tiara and wand, you must be a princess?"

the first kid says, "Yes! I am a princess!"

The lady says to the ...

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

Halloween Joke

A little boy with a speach impediment went out trick or treating, and about half way through the night, he came upon an old lady's house.
Boy: Twick err Tweet
Old lady: Oh Goodness, a Pirate!! But, where are your buccaneers?
Boy: with a really confused look, points to his ears and says "ri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a Halloween themed Fleshlight called?

A Jackoff-lantern.

I saw a little person at a Halloween party. He was dressed as Prince Andrew but hauling around a small compressor with him.

I approached him and asked what the deal was and he told me he was "compressed heir."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Halloween

A Trick or Treater just knocked the door dressed as Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid, I was petrified

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Halloween

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.

My kid wanted to be a super hero for Halloween but he got in trouble so I made him go as a sack of wheat flour.

He was a gluten for punishment.

My sister dressed up as a deer for Halloween.

All my friends fawned over her

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

One time I hosted a Halloween party and everybody had the same costume

The invisible man

What do the Hungarians cook for Halloween?

Ghoulash

TIL - as of 2019, Halloween has not fallen on Friday the 13th for the last 666 years

This is probably because Halloween is October 31st

Halloween fun!

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The bartender came over to take their orders. "And what would you, eh, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his compani...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a perfect excuse to not go to the Halloween party

I'll simply dress up as my sex life

Are any Halloween monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

FREE Halloween costume idea:

Set yourself on fire and go as the planet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to Mia Khalifa's house on Halloween be like

Trick or Tits

Why do skeletons hate Halloween party’s?

They have no-body to dance with

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

What's worse than using your family as political props?

According to my HOA, using them as Halloween props.

How do you scare a computer at Halloween?

With a Terror Bite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought the Mrs some crotchless knickers for Halloween.

Nothing sexual it's just to give her a better grip on her broomstick:

What music band is the least popular around Halloween?

The Smashing Pumpkins

The wife and I dressed as Peruvian owls for Halloween.

We were Inca hoots.

What kind of bees come out at Halloween?

Boo bees

Why do catholic priests love Halloween?

Free delivery!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween

but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass

I got invited to a bad taste halloween party. I was going to go as a suicide victim.

But decided to go as Jeffrey Epstein instead.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER... FASTER.....

Alabama’s State Holiday is Halloween

A holiday to pump-kin

This year for Halloween, I’m dressing up as the scariest thing I can imagine

Myself, but more successful

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

I saw lot of kids wearing Elsa costume for Halloween today.

Its been 6 years since the movie released. I think kids should just Let it Go.

What does Barbie do on Halloween?

Pumpken

A Halloween joke?

A homeless man named Sturgis was walking down to his town's Human Resources to apply for housing assisstance. When he gets there, he sees some strange creatures in line ahead of him. Cousin It from the Adams' family was there, as well as the Looney Tunes version of Mr. Hyde. Among them was your typi...

John didn't wear the mask

**The dialog about John who didn't wear mask and regretted it and his friend**



\- John, put on your mask!

*- No! It's harmful.*

\- John put it on, what are you doing?

*- I ignore the masks*

\- John! Get out of here and don't ever come to a Halloween party l...

What did the hive of bumblebees decide to be for Halloween?

Boo-bees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A late Halloween political joke.

The president and his wife were invited to a Halloween costume party. The Donald enters their apartment and notices Melania is wearing nothing but a pair of hip boots. "What the hell is that?"

Melania looks at him and says, "It's my costume: I'm going as Puss In Boots."

Donald nods a...

A joke for Halloween: why are vampires so easy to fool?

Because they're suckers.

Ive been going through all this Halloween candy, and i have some bad news.

No drugs.

A man walks into a Halloween party wearing nothing but his underpants and has a woman stuck on his back

His friends see him and ask "What are you supposed to be?"

"A turtle" the man replied

"What? How is that a turtle? and why is there a woman on your back? the friends ask

"Oh, thats just Michelle"

What do you call one trillionth of a Halloween scare?

A pico boo.

Halloween every year is awful.

Kids do not stop coming to my door for candy. Left and right, I have to say “I’m sorry. I don’t give out candy” so much that I just put a sign in my yard telling everyone this fact. However, they see lights and still come knocking on my door. This year, I’m going to do what I should have done years...

A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Halloween party?

Because he had no body to go with.

Best tips for Halloween:

Be yourself

What do Mummies like listening to on Halloween?

Wrap Music

This Halloween I'm being the Australia rugby team

I'm not dressing up I'm just going out early

I was going to dress up my unvaccinated kids as the measles this Halloween

But they’re all dead.

Last Halloween there was a knock at the door

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, "Honey there's a witch at the door. What shall I do?"
She shouted back, "Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost."
My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

What are you gonna be for halloween?

Alone.

My friend was asking for Halloween costume ideas, and I told him he could pull off a good Two-Face.

He said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah, you just have to make one half look good!"

I need Halloween costume ideas

I was planning on going as a yoghurt but then I realised it'd be considered cultural appropriation.

Halloween must be soon...

Because everyone is ghosting me...

Why was Brexit planned to happen on Halloween?

Because we’ll be turning away children knocking on our door asking for food.

It's Halloween and a little boy dressed as a pirate goes up to the door and yells "Trick or treat!"

The man opens the door, and upon seeing the little boy says "Hey matey! Where's your buccaneers?"

The little boy says "Under my bunkin' hat!"

I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.

I didn’t show up.

What's a child molester's favorite thing about Halloween?

Free Delivery!

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