Halloween Jokes - 120 Hilarious Halloween Jokes

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist.

Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.

I dressed up as a screwdriver this past Halloween.

It wasn't the best costume but I still turned a lot of heads.

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?

Because it would dampen his spirits.

Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

This Halloween I went as a 'former gifted student.'

I just wore normal clothes, and when people asked me what I was supposed to be, I sighed and said "I was supposed to be a lot of things."

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

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A guy goes to a Halloween party in just his jeans

No shoes or shirt nothing but jeans. He’s making his rounds and enjoying some drinks and the comes up to him and asks, “So what are you supposed to be?” The guys responds, “I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host pauses for a second really staring at this guy’s costume and finally says, “I don’t get ...

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP.....

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Halloween at a Hospital.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea an...

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Halloween Party (NSFW)

A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis... Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as.

"A fireman" he replies

"Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says

...

I'm going as Cocaine for Halloween.

That way someone will do me in the bathroom.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

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Halloween party

Bob decides to throw a costume party for Halloween. He has an excellent turnout and the party is packed wall to wall. Everyone is dressed up... well almost everyone. Bob sees his co-worker George across the party just wearing a pair of jeans, no shirt shoes or socks, just jeans. So Bob decides to co...

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.

The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"

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My wife said she was going to come to the Halloween party dressed as our Sex life

So she didn’t come

(OC) I always wanted to be a ghost for Halloween

Mom thought it was a good idea because when I was up to something she could see right through me, but Dad said I was too dense.

A guy walks into a bar on Halloween

A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a were...

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

Silly kids Halloween joke

What does a Pikachu dressed as a ghost say?

Pika-pika booooo

A Halloween joke I made up when I was 12: What did Dracula name his boat?

The Blood Vessel

Halloween candy

Halloween was over. All the trick or treaters came and went. Some got candies. Some got confused when we said "trick" and sprayed them with water.

A couple of hours later while we were taking the candy bag inside, a 12 year old came dressed in all red.

Naturally, I told him that Hall...

Halloween Costume.

I went to the store to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween.

The shop assistant brought out a Manchester United football shirt.

I said "You must of misheard me, I said I want to look like a Count."

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Because OCT 31= DEC 25. (Yes, I realize I'm a day late on this, so sue me).

Please don’t hand out raisins this Halloween…

Eggs have gotten really expensive.

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My Halloween joke

A young man in the hospital is smitten with his night nurse, She feels good about him too.
The pain meds he’s on have constipated him and neither want to discuss it. She decides to slip him a laxative to “help” .Just before she’s going to arrive for a visit, he has an accident in the bed, there’...

Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?" Me: "Drunk"

Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
Me: "Mad"

Christmas after Halloween is like me as a teenager.

It comes fast.

All the nurses are dressing up as witches for Halloween!

They will be scaretakers.

A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.

Apparently the answer is Chicken.

(Edit: Typo)

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!

You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

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A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

Halloween joke

What do Dracula's girlfriend and a bad boxer have in common?

They both go down for the count!

I swapped the wrappers around on my wife's Halloween candy.

She didn't appreciate the joke at all. Now she's got her Snickers in a Twix over it.

In 2023 we're not calling them Halloween costumes anymore...

It's *occultural appropriation*

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

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I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

What music band is the least popular around Halloween?

The Smashing Pumpkins

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This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

BREAKING News: Government declares Halloween a nationwide statutory holiday. All workers eligible.

For the first time ever, Halloween will be staffed by a skeleton crew!

6 more months until Halloween

Which means 2 more weeks until stores start putting out Halloween decorations.

halloween joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife. I went to a costume party, and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They'd come to the party together dressed as t...

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Halloween Party

Frank decided to have a Halloween party and asked everyone has to come as an emotion. On the night of the party there was a knock on the door.

Frank opened the door to see John dressed in all blue. Frank asked what is he dressed as and John answered he’s blue with sadness. Frank said great...

At a Halloween party

A: What are you dressed as?

B: I'm a harp.

A: Your costume's too small to be a harp.

B: Are you calling me a lyre?

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year

Wear a mask!!!

What do rednecks do on Halloween?

Pump-kin.

Happy Halloween

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in. The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle-aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

I was thinking of dressing up as a Band-Aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.

It would be really hard to pull off.

I went as the Air for Halloween

But everyone saw right through my disguise.

What's the best part about being a meth head on Halloween?

Just two more sleeps till Christmas!

Why can't ghosts have babies? [Halloween Joke]

Because they have hollow-weenies!

A Halloween Limerick

A lady vampire named Mable

Had a period that was awfully stable.

So once a full moon

She took out her spoon

And drank herself under the table.

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Three friends go a halloween costume party..

They're greeted at the door by the host. "Okay, so we have Steve Irwin, a zombie\- wait, why are you just in you underwear?"

"I'm premature ejaculation; I've come in my pants"

Hollywood Halloween

Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone were discussing their next Halloween costumes. They wanted to get away from the typical scary characters and do something different.

Bruce: 'how about historical figures? I'll go as Freud.'

Sly: 'ok, sounds good. I'll go as Leonardo Da Vinci.'
...

It's almost Halloween

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You can tell its getting closer to Halloween," the guy tells the bartender. "Just today I saw a gal dressed up like Snow White working in the shoe store down in the local shopping center .... She was the fairest of the mall."

Halloween Joke

This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he’s just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders.

The host says to him, “Dude, this is a Halloween party! You’re supposed to be wearing a costume?”

The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I’m a snail!”...

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.

He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

The Competition - Wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So, he organized a little competition.

The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.

The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood.

Dracula was impresse...

Why does a witch not wear underwear on Halloween?

So she can get a better grip on her broom

Got sent home from work for my Halloween costume..

Apparently, being a brillo pad was too abrasive for some people.

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

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Superman went to a Halloween party

Someone was dressed as a Bitcoin.

Someone dressed as a Dogecoin.

Someone else dressed asEthereum.

Superman was pissed.

He didn't realize it was gonna be a Crypto night.

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

I went to a Halloween party

I decided to dress as a clown. On my way to the party, a man in a suit stopped me. He said he was glad he finally found me. I had to explain that he must have me confused for somebody else, but he told me I was dressed like him. I explained that I was just wearing a costume, but he laughed it of...

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I dressed up as a wrench for Halloween

My wife got mad called me a fucking tool.

At a Halloween party, I met a guy and said, “Nice costume. Casanova?”

Him: Guy Fawkes.

Me: I wouldn’t have put it that way, but I guess you’re right.

A guy walks into a bar on Halloween

"Have you decided on a costume for our Halloween party tonight?" the bartender asks. "Yes, I've decided to come as a period," the guy replies. "I'll just show up late and scare the hell out of everyone."

a guy walks into a bar for a Halloween party...

and is surprised to see the bar decorated for Christmas. "What's with the Christmas decorations?" the guy asks the bartender. "I thought this was supposed to be a spooky Halloween party." "Oh, these decorations are very scary for a lot of people," the bartender replies. "We're gonna terrify people w...

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp

The host asked me: What are you?

Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.

Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp

Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

What do you call a DJ on Halloween?

The boogie-man

Do we even need Halloween anymore?

I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for 14 months...

Fun Fact: Halloween falls on Friday the 13th this year

Go ahead dumbass, look it up

A man goes to a halloween party...

...in nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and ask,

"Hey man, what are you meant to be?"
He replies, "I'm a turtle."
His friends respond, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"
The man replies, "Oh, ...

I'm drunk and I might've made up a joke?

What do people in Alabama do on Halloween?

Pumpkin.

My 6 year old’s halloween joke

Q. What do ghosts have on their bottom?

A. A boo-ty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm really looking forward to Halloween this year. I'm doing a SAW themed party for my kids and their friends.

It begins with twelve children locked in the basement and I've hidden the Wi-Fi password inside the stomach of one of them.

Happy Halloween

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Boy the Halloween vandals and pranksters hit my neighborhood hard already. They destroyed a bunch of street signs," he tells the bartender. "They really pulled out all the stops."

I miss Halloween

I can no longer take free candy from creepy strangers.

Halloween joke:

Checked into an AirBnB. The owner warned me the sofa was haunted,
Turned out it was an upholstergheist.

What’s the top halloween costume worn in New Jersey?

A gaba-ghoul

My friend Brian is having a rough time of it this Halloween.

He was attacked by dyslexic zombies.

Happy spooky day!

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

Halloween logic-gate joke I came up with

What do you call someone who will always banish one of 2 spirits, but never both?

An XORcist

Strangely, my son farts a lot whenever it's Halloween.

That's why he always dresses up as Jack the Ripper.

I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.

I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.

Halloween Dinner

\[True Story\]

My wife decided to make something new this Halloween. She made a meat loaf in the shape of a small coffin. She then placed it on a plate in a bed of fresh peas.

She called the dish "Rest in Peas."

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

Halloween Joke

A cab driver picks up a Nun in San Francisco . She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot of...

A Halloween costume idea

A nurse walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Are you coming to our big Halloween party?" the bartender asks. "Yes, I've already planned my costume. I'm going to come as a horrible monster made entirely out of blood," the nurse says. "I'm going to be a hemogoblin."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a Halloween joke!

Three guys run into a museum to hide from the hoard of zombies coming down the road. While looking for something to eat and drink one of the survives finds a golden lamp and out pops a genie roaring out.

“You can have three wishes. So what is the first wish?” One man says ” I want to go back...

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There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.

The first man foun...

There is one thing I hate about Halloween,

wich is...

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”

What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought the ex wife some crotchless panties for Halloween...

Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Halloween tale of horror

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. With Halloween coming up they start talking about things that scared them when they were kids. "When I was a kid, my brother told me that earwigs actually lived in your ears and crawled inside to eat your brains. And I believed him," he tells the barten...

What do you call a little kid that dresses up like a cop for halloween?

Blueface baby

Got dumped on Halloween…

Well at least she didn’t ghost me

Visiting Nan's for Halloween

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

One Dark Halloween Night........

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel...

Why did Casper oversleep on Halloween?

He had too much boos!

A Halloween joke for you

Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're ...

What is Caitlyn Jenner going as for Halloween?

An Ex-Man

Preemptive Edit: Proudly! Proudly going as an Ex-Man! Yikes....

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

I’d make a skeleton joke for Halloween

But you wouldn’t find it very humerus.

This Halloween, I stopped the pranksters before they covered my house with eggs again.

We met up for negotiations and signed a trick or treaty.

How do Halloween characters listen to their music?

Scare pods

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to be an anti-vaxxer for halloween

but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass

For Halloween, I'm getting plastered.

I don't drink, I'm just going as a white guy.

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

This might be the nerdiest joke I know. Here's a bonus mathematical nerd joke:

Why don't riddles work in octal notation?

Because seven ten eleven.

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