Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the similarity between a vasectomized man and a Christmas tree?

The balls are just for show.

Your mom is like a Christmas Tree...

she gets lit and covered in balls

Why was the Christmas tree sent to the psych ward?

Because it was suffering from ornamental health issues.

Three blondes go into the woods to find the perfect Christmas Tree

After hours of searching one says:

​

"Maybe we should just take one of these without the ornaments!?"

Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!

Sweetie, the christmas tree is lit, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now lit too!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a Christmas tree, whilst packing it up to take home the shop assistant asked me if I was putting it up myself

I told them it was none of their business but I was putting it up in my living room, dirty bastard.

Everyone likes decorating the Christmas tree, but taking it down confuses me...

It's really disornamenting

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the garden centre today to buy myself a Christmas tree

I went to the garden center today and bought myself a new Christmas tree, the store assistant asked me "will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "no, you sick fuck, I'll be putting it up in my living room."

Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"

"No you sicko- I was thinking in front of the window in the den."

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and a IPad ?

Pineapple

We accidently bought a drunk Christmas tree this year...

That thing is lit every night, I swear to God.

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Two brother sit under the christmas tree....

One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.

The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.

The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!

The other, calmly playi...

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

Two guys are looking for a christmas tree in the woods...

They've been walking through the thick snow for about an hour and one of the guys says:
"Ah screw it! Lets just take that big one over there. So what if it doesn't have decorations?"

What did the log say to the christmas tree?

**Yule** end up like me if you don't stay away from lumberjacks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the rug say to the Christmas tree?

I can see your balls hanging

A father was decorating the Christmas tree with his son. The boy says:

"Dad can't we use tinsel like everyone else? This is really uncomfortable."

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...

After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

A man was picking out a Christmas tree

A man was picking out a Christmas tree.

When he goes to pay for it, the cashier asks him, "Will you be putting this up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting! I'm putting it in my living room."

What do you call a Christmas tree that only appears in action movies?

Spruce Willis.

It only took me 20 minutes to get the Christmas tree up this year.

Took doctors 4 hours to get it back out again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a Reverend and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are both for decoration

"P.S. Haven't seen this joke here yet so I thought I'd share, also isn't my creation one of my friends told me it."

Why do you trim your Christmas tree before you put it up?

To make sure it’s presentable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You have to compliment boobs like a Christmas tree

If they're real, tell them they look fake. If they're fake, tell them they look real

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm tak...

My cat has been nibbling on the Christmas tree...

Now she's coughing up fir balls.

The real reason there's an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to...

I put the Christmas tree in our bed.

Hopefully my wife will be okay with us having a treesome.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife was wearing a short skirt as she stood at the top of a Christmas tree...

My wife was standing on a set of steps wearing a short skirt as she placed the star at the top of the Christmas tree.

I couldn't resist, I shoved my head up, slipped her pants to the side and gave her fanny a right good licking.


Everyone else in the ...

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.

Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it do...

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't ...

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, bu...

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in m...

A boy opens up his presents under the Christmas tree

With disappointment he exclaims, "Santa sucks he didn't get me the Xbox I wanted instead he got me a stupid sweater."

Father:"Now, now son, you should feel lucky to have that sweater. There are kids around the world who need that sweater more than they need than the Xbox I accidentally sent o...

A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree...

... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."

My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store

The man behind the counter said "are you going to put it up yourself?" Mom says "no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the hookers hang on the christmas tree?

Whore-naments

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why Is there a little angel on top of the Christmas tree?

Many years ago, on Christmas Eve, everything went wrong at the North Pole. Mrs Claus was on the rag, the reindeer had the runs, the elves were on strike and Rudolph hit the bottle pretty hard.

Santa was pretty pissed-off and about to explode when the little angel walked in with a freshly cut ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is a Christmas tree like a bridegroom?

After the big day, its balls are the first thing to come off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

A Christmas Myth

After learning about different ways to celebrate Christmas, the children were eager to learn more about the subject. Knowing that one of the teachers at their school was from the UK and maybe had an angel on top of the tree instead of the classic star, they went to ask him about it.

It's a lo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...?

A Porky-Pine

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.

By taking down the Christmas tree.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife walked into the lounge after she heard me grunting.

She looked at me on the floor, sweating, with baubles around me. "Why the fuck are you wrestling with our Christmas tree?" she asked.

I said, "Because you told me to take it down."

Late Christmas present

Dear Ben
While going through the garage to look for the Christmas tree I found a present I meant to give to you
I know it's a year later
But you would have loved this dog

Much love
Dad

A Christmas tradition...

It was Christmas eve and Santa was in a really foul mood. The elves were on strike, Mrs. Claus was having one of her snit-fits, and the reindeer had gotten sick with dysentery and were tracking the results everywhere.

Just then, an angel appeared with a Christmas tree. "Hey, Santa! Where shou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The perils of planning a Christmas party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 4

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar...

In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house

This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate

One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don’t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mom asks her kid to get Christmas decorations

A mom asks her kid to get Christmas decorations. She specifically wanted ornament balls to put up around the Christmas tree. The kid leaves the house and several hours pass but he hasn't returned yet.

After what seemed like an eternity, the kid comes back. The mom asks all flustered "What ha...

[Blonde] Two blondes arrive at St. Peter...

...and he promises to forgive all sins and enter Paradise only to the one who answers the question correctly. Sv. Peter asked first blonde to tell him what was Easter. The first blonde said, I know, I know ... It's that holiday on the winter, when we decorate a christmas tree in the house and celebr...

Granny tatoos

80 year old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says "I want to get a tattoo".

The artist hesitantly replys "Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?"

Old lady: "actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right th...

A woman goes to get a tattoo

The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.

Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos

The woman's answers. Because my husband always says the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fart in the elevator

A Stanley Products saleslady gets in an elevator. She’s the only one on the elevator and has to fart. She lets loose and pulls her sample can of pine air freshener out of her kit and sprays it. Next stop a man gets on. He sniffs and looks around. Figuring she might make a sale she asks, “So, do you...

A man is tasked with setting out Christmas decorations on a submarine

He spends all night thinking about it, and eventually decides on a Christmas tree. He spends hours putting the tree up, adding tinsel, baubles, and finally the star on top. He takes a step back, and looks proudly at his work. But when he comes back to it later, he finds it torn down.

The next...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.

I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to this girl, and I nervously asked...

Santa is stressed...

Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week.

But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree ...

What's the best thing to bring to your holiday party?

A Christmas tree. Because they're lit.