What do trump and a Christmas tree both have in common ?

They both get thrown out in January

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What are some of the same things you can say while decorating a Christmas tree and while having sex?

"It's a shame we only do it only once a year!"

"It's so goddamn prickly."

"Put the balls on very carefully"

"Enough on this side, turn it around"

"Fake one just doesn't have the smell and feel right."

What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?

A Christmas tree will stay up for weeks, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.

What is something you can say to praise a Christmas tree but shouldn't say about a woman?

Looks pretty in the darkness.

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

Why was Luke under the Christmas tree?

He wanted to feel Obi Wan's presents.

My Christmas tree wss very happy when I removed the decorations from it.

It was absolutely delighted.

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree

They both walk a long time but couldn't find a good one. Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough. It's already getting pitch dark. It's already midnight and finally one of them suddenly says "ugh, let's just pick one without decorations"

What do you call a Christmas Tree that knows Kung Fu?

Spruce Lee

Angel on a Christmas Tree?

Long ago there was a very hectic day at the North Pole getting ready for Christmas Eve and Santa was having a tough time. It seemed nothing was going right and The Claus Man was stressed. So an Angel seeing this thought she would help and went down to a forest and brought back a great looking Christ...

I bought a Christmas tree today.

The guy asked if I was going to put it up myself and I said no, in my living room.

My friend told me he is attracted to Christmas trees and people in animal costumes

He identifies as a douglas furry

I don't understand why cats climb Christmas trees...

they should be afraid of the BARK.

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Your ex told me you remind her of her Christmas tree...

Your balls are only there for decoration purposes!

Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!

Sweetie, the christmas tree is lit, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now lit too!

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas Tree

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

A man goes to the Christmas Tree Store

A man goes to the Christmas Tree Store to pick out the perfect family tree. He finds the best one in the store and says to the salesman

‘I’ll take this one!’

‘Excellent choice!’ says the salesman, ‘are you going to put it up yourself?’

‘Yuck, no!’ explains the man, ‘I’m putting...

What do Millenials and Christmas Trees have in common?

They used to thrive, but now they're dead inside.

Why are christmas trees so fond of the past?

Because the present's beneath them

Everyone likes decorating the Christmas tree, but taking it down confuses me...

It's really disornamenting

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I went to the garden centre today to buy myself a Christmas tree

I went to the garden center today and bought myself a new Christmas tree, the store assistant asked me "will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "no, you sick fuck, I'll be putting it up in my living room."

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They keep dropping their needles!

Melania Trump greeted the White House Christmas Tree.

First natural wood she's seen in years.

A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.

He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"

The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

The elves refused Santa’s orders to decorate the Christmas tree

They were written up for insubornamation

Two guys are looking for a christmas tree in the woods...

They've been walking through the thick snow for about an hour and one of the guys says:
"Ah screw it! Lets just take that big one over there. So what if it doesn't have decorations?"

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You have to compliment boobs like a Christmas tree

If they're real, tell them they look fake. If they're fake, tell them they look real

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What did the rug say to the Christmas tree?

I can see your balls hanging

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

What’s the best way to dispose of your Christmas tree?

Put it on the curb and wait for Lindsey Lohan to steal it

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What does a Reverend and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are both for decoration

"P.S. Haven't seen this joke here yet so I thought I'd share, also isn't my creation one of my friends told me it."

Three blondes go into the woods to find the perfect Christmas Tree

After hours of searching one says:



"Maybe we should just take one of these without the ornaments!?"

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't ...

It only took me 20 minutes to get the Christmas tree up this year.

Took doctors 4 hours to get it back out again.

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My wife was wearing a short skirt as she stood at the top of a Christmas tree...

My wife was standing on a set of steps wearing a short skirt as she placed the star at the top of the Christmas tree.

I couldn't resist, I shoved my head up, slipped her pants to the side and gave her fanny a right good licking.


Everyone else in the ...

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"

"No you sicko- I was thinking in front of the window in the den."

What did the log say to the christmas tree?

**Yule** end up like me if you don't stay away from lumberjacks.

We accidently bought a drunk Christmas tree this year...

That thing is lit every night, I swear to God.

The real reason there's an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to...

Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...

After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in m...

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm tak...

Why do you trim your Christmas tree before you put it up?

To make sure it’s presentable.

A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree...

... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."

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Why Is there a little angel on top of the Christmas tree?

Many years ago, on Christmas Eve, everything went wrong at the North Pole. Mrs Claus was on the rag, the reindeer had the runs, the elves were on strike and Rudolph hit the bottle pretty hard.

Santa was pretty pissed-off and about to explode when the little angel walked in with a freshly cut ...

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.

Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it do...

Two brother sit under the christmas tree....

One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.

The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.

The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!

The other, calmly playi...

A father was decorating the Christmas tree with his son. The boy says:

"Dad can't we use tinsel like everyone else? This is really uncomfortable."

My cat has been nibbling on the Christmas tree...

Now she's coughing up fir balls.

I put the Christmas tree in our bed.

Hopefully my wife will be okay with us having a treesome.

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The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, bu...

My mom went to go buy a Christmas tree from the store

The man behind the counter said "are you going to put it up yourself?" Mom says "no thats terrible, im going to put it in the family room"

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What do boobs and Christmas trees have in common?

When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake

A boy opens up his presents under the Christmas tree

With disappointment he exclaims, "Santa sucks he didn't get me the Xbox I wanted instead he got me a stupid sweater."

Father:"Now, now son, you should feel lucky to have that sweater. There are kids around the world who need that sweater more than they need than the Xbox I accidentally sent o...

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Why is a Christmas tree like a bridegroom?

After the big day, its balls are the first thing to come off.

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Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...?

A Porky-Pine

Two rednecks, Joe and Bubba went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees.

They looked all day without any luck. Near nightfall Bubba finally said, "Joe, I'm takin the next tree we come to, wether it has lights on it or not!"

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Why do porn directors prefer real Christmas trees?

Because they don't need fluffing.

Went out today and bought a Christmas tree, the fella who sold me it asked me was I going to put it up myself, I told him no i'm putting it in my sitting room

Found this somewhere. Lmao

Your mom is like a Christmas Tree...

she gets lit and covered in balls

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but han...

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not get a gift from Santa

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not have a Christmas pudding with their loved ones.

This Christmas,one in five children in London will not have a Christmas tree in their homes.

This is not a message from red cross or salvation army. 20% of children born in London ar...

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

Q: What does the zero say to the eight?

A: Nice belt!

Q: What do you call friends who love math?

A: algebros

Q: How is an artificial Christmas tree like the fourth root of -68?

A: Neither has real roots.

Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?

A: They already 8 (ate)!

Q: How do you kn...

Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay

Because the North Pole was in a bad way

The elves were on strike and not making toys

And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys

Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight

When what came his way ...

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