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Christmas Tree Jokes

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

I went out to buy a Christmas tree and the guy asked me "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said "No. I was thinking the living room."

How do you feel about live Christmas trees?

Personally, I think they're more festive than dead ones.

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

Leo treats women like Christmas Trees…

no use for em after the 25th

two blondes are looking for a Christmas tree in the forest.

After two hours of searching, one says: let's take one without christmas ornament

For the 11th Day of Christmas.....What do reindeer hang on their Christmas tree?

Hornaments.


Stolen from a streaming Christmas show ....The Cleaner

Christmas trees are bad at sewing

They always drop their needles.

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What's similar between boobs and Christmas trees?

When you see really nice ones, you can't tell if they're real or fake.

The Angel on the Christmas Tree

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Cl...

Why did I name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse?

Because it's just going to die and leave needles everywhere.

*As told to me by David Sedaris while getting a book signed.

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This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, you sick fuck. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

Why was Luke under the Christmas tree?

He wanted to feel Obi Wan's presents.

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

I was at a Christmas tree farm, chatting with the owner

And he told me that if I could find the tallest, heaviest tree and cut it down, that I could have it for free. I accepted the challenge and found the tallest, heaviest tree, and I cut it down. I dragged it to the front the farm to get it ready to take home and the owner exclaimed , “Wow! That’s my b...

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

Why wasn't the elf allowed to use the step ladder to decorate the Christmas tree?

Because of 'elf and safety restrictions.

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A nice christmas tree

A guy walks into a bar decorated for the Christmas holiday and orders a beer. "That's a beautiful Christmas tree you have over there. I hope you're not offended, but I've always found that Christmas trees are a lot like boobs," he tells the bartender. "When you see really nice ones you just have to ...

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree...

... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."

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Why Is there a little angel on top of the Christmas tree?

Many years ago, on Christmas Eve, everything went wrong at the North Pole. Mrs Claus was on the rag, the reindeer had the runs, the elves were on strike and Rudolph hit the bottle pretty hard.

Santa was pretty pissed-off and about to explode when the little angel walked in with a freshly cut ...

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What do you call a vibrator on a Christmas tree?

A pornament.

Why does a fully decorated Christmas tree weigh less than a non decorated one?

Because it's lighter.

Everyone likes decorating the Christmas tree, but taking it down confuses me...

It's really disornamenting

The Story of How The Angel Went on Top of The Christmas Tree

Santa was having a terrible day. The toy factory was broken. Elves weren’t working. Mrs Claus was bugging him about something. He was having to manually make toys out of wood. He was over it. And just as he was hanging on to his lead shred of sanity, he smashed his thumb with a hammer.
And just ...

What do Millenials and Christmas Trees have in common?

They used to thrive, but now they're dead inside.

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Your mom is just like a Christmas tree!

Everyone hangs their balls on her.

What do you call a Christmas Tree that knows Kung Fu?

Spruce Lee

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree

They both walk a long time but couldn't find a good one. Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough. It's already getting pitch dark. It's already midnight and finally one of them suddenly says "ugh, let's just pick one without decorations"

Why are christmas trees so fond of the past?

Because the present's beneath them

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?

A Christmas tree will stay up for weeks, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.

I don't understand why cats climb Christmas trees...

they should be afraid of the BARK.

Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!

Sweetie, the christmas tree is lit, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now lit too!

When I put up my artificial Christmas tree every year I hate bending all the branches back in to shape. This year I advertised on Craigslist for a "fluffer."

Boy, did I get a lot of weird responses.

Due to the economic crisis, my dad decides to save money this year by shopping for a smaller Christmas tree. As he proudly places it on the checkout desk the cashier asks...

"Are you going to put this little tree up yourself sir?", to which my dad answers, "No I'm not you filthy animal! I'm going to put it in the living room!!"

How can you tell the age of a fake Christmas tree?

By the tape rings on the box!

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't ...

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

Two guys are looking for a christmas tree in the woods...

They've been walking through the thick snow for about an hour and one of the guys says:
"Ah screw it! Lets just take that big one over there. So what if it doesn't have decorations?"

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What did the rug say to the Christmas tree?

I can see your balls hanging

My Christmas tree wss very happy when I removed the decorations from it.

It was absolutely delighted.

My friend told me he is attracted to Christmas trees and people in animal costumes

He identifies as a douglas furry

Two blondes go deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree...

After hours and hours of sub-zero temperatures, a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Enough is enough! I'm chopping down the next tree I see! I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

How did the angel get on top of the christmas tree?

So one year, Santa was having a bad time of it. The reindeer were threatening a strike, the elves had to recall 30% of their toys due to manufacturing defects, all in all, just a frustrating time.

So Santa stood up and made a very LOUD announcement.

"I am going to my study. I'm tak...

What’s the best way to dispose of your Christmas tree?

Put it on the curb and wait for Lindsey Lohan to steal it

A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.

He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"

The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

I put the Christmas tree in our bed.

Hopefully my wife will be okay with us having a treesome.

Too Early.

Fireworks being let off already, I think it's bloody ridiculous.

Far too early, my cat was so scared he ran up our Christmas tree..

What did the log say to the christmas tree?

**Yule** end up like me if you don't stay away from lumberjacks.

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What does a Reverend and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are both for decoration

"P.S. Haven't seen this joke here yet so I thought I'd share, also isn't my creation one of my friends told me it."

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

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Why is a Christmas tree like a bridegroom?

After the big day, its balls are the first thing to come off.

What is something you can say to praise a Christmas tree but shouldn't say about a woman?

Looks pretty in the darkness.

We accidently bought a drunk Christmas tree this year...

That thing is lit every night, I swear to God.

My cat has been nibbling on the Christmas tree...

Now she's coughing up fir balls.

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The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, bu...

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in m...

Why do you trim your Christmas tree before you put it up?

To make sure it’s presentable.

Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay

Because the North Pole was in a bad way

The elves were on strike and not making toys

And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys

Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight

When what came his way ...

It only took me 20 minutes to get the Christmas tree up this year!

It took doctors 6 hours to get it back out again.

Two brother sit under the christmas tree....

One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.

The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.

The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!

The other, calmly playi...

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

A father was decorating the Christmas tree with his son. The boy says:

"Dad can't we use tinsel like everyone else? This is really uncomfortable."

What do trump and a Christmas tree both have in common ?

They both get thrown out in January

Melania Trump greeted the White House Christmas Tree.

First natural wood she's seen in years.

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