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Christ Jokes

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

Three things Christ promises he will never do

He won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.

Jesus Christ was supposed to be named Franklin....

Until Mary stubbed her toe.

If Jesus Christ died for our sins...

then who died for our cos and tans?

If Jesus Christ came in the modern day, what would his favorite gun be?

Nail gun

Judas: the one I bestow with a kiss is the christ

Roman soldier: can't you like... point at him or something?

Judas (putting on lipstick): I don't tell you how to do your job!

Never call your heroin Jesus Christ.

You shouldn’t take the lords name in vein.

I’m never playing videogames with Jesus Christ again…

… it took him 3 days to respawn.

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel...

Walks up to the innkeeper, hands him three nails, and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

What is Jesus Christ's favorite metal band?

Nine Inch Nails

Power of Christ

Heard this one earlier and thought it was pretty good. I think it’s probably a repost so I’m sorry.

A priest was driving along a road a bit rashly while drunk. He’s got the bottle in the passenger seat. Eventually, a cop tails him and pulls him over.

Cop: “Hey Father, how’s it going?”<...

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

A drunk walks up to two priests...

A drunk walks up to two priests...


He says "I'm Jesus Christ."


The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not."


The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."


The second priest gives the same answer.


The drunk glares ...

Did you know that as Christ was getting nailed to the cross...

He actually became holier?

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Jesus Christ was Italian?

He lived with his mother for 33 years; he thought she was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ?

It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture of Jesus Christ

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ himself was a Ford man

....he walked everywhere.

Jesus Christ said " When one door closes another opens":

Not the best line to come from a carpenter

Why did Christ struggle the the crossword

He was stuck on 2 across

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I don't know why y'all think Jesus Christ is coming back.

They didn't nail him to a fucking boomerang.

What do Karlsson, Terminator and Jesus Christ have in common?

They all promise to come back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was Christ not born in Italy?

Because God searched that whole country and he could not find 3 wise men or a single virgin.

What’s Christ’s favorite cheesy cracker?

Jeez-Its.

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"The body of Christ"

A "Wise guy" went to Church to partake of Holy Communion. When his turn came he got close to the priest and opened his mouth. The Priest placed the Holy Host on his tongue saying "The body of Christ" but at the same time released a silent but deadly fart caused by the lentil soup he had for dinner t...

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and Matt Gaetz?

Matt Gaetz is not coming back after he’s crucified

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The Power of Christ

Mary notices that her son Jesus is 30 years old and still a virgin. So she tells the local prostitute to show Jesus, what being with a woman is all about.
The prostitute takes Jesus into a room while his mother waits outside. A few minutes later she comes screaming out of the room.
Mary ask...

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

The real Jesus Christ

Three drunks are sitting in a bar in Amsterdam and start bragging. The first drunk says:"I am Jesus Christ, and I will prove it to you by walking over water". They grab their beers and walk to the closest pond, and of course the drunk falls down in the water. Once back on the waterside the second dr...

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar...

...and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.
He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.”
He then turns to the second priest and say...

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

Why should red blood cells never say 'jesus christ!'

Because you never take the lord's name in vain

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

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What do Jesus Christ and Male Porn-stars have in common?

They both take their sweet time before the second coming.

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon…

Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!

How did Jesus Christ stay in shape?

He cross-trained.

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

Jesus Christ goes up to heaven...

He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.

The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"

Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".

The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"

Jesus says "My ...

What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise?

Cross fit.

I used to think the "CE" in "BCE" stood for "Christ Entrance"

It's a common error

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

If Jesus Christ was born today...

DNA tests would figure out who the father was.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

Jesus Christ wasn’t white...

But according to Catholics he’s still a cracker.

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker?

The expression on their face when they get nailed

Why was Jesus Christ so ripped & muscular?

He did a lot of cross training...

Jesus Christ, 12 years old, steps out of his home but neglects to close the door behind him.

Mary: Hold on, son! Were you born in a barn?

What's so special about Christ?

My father also put me here to suffer and die.

Why doesn't Jesus Christ eat M&Ms?

Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine Jesus Christ having sex...

... Holy fuck!

Christ, party of 13

Jesus and company arrive at the restaurant where they will enjoy their final meal together.

He tells the hostess they will need a space that can seat 26. Only counting 13, she asks why they need such a big table.

With a shrug, Jesus replies: "We like to sit on the same side."

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Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders

Apparently, his saving really got out of control!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when people say "Jesus F***ing Christ"...

..."Jesus Masturbating" is shorter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I personally don’t believe Jesus Christ died a virgin.

I mean he was **nailed** before he died.

What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ?

Being white in Middle East.

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

How was Jesus Christ so ripped?

You never see Jesus Christ rockin a dad bod. How was it that Jesus Christ kept so toned and shredded?

CrossFit

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

Why would Jesus Christ be a great soccer player?

He really knows how to nail a cross...

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Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.

Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

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Jewish friend sent this to me

A jewish guy sends his son to Israel, and he comes back home christian. The man thinks this is odd so he tells his friend about it.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel when he was Jewish and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them wen...

I’ll only watch a Passion of the Christ sequel under one condition.

Jesus has to say, “you crossed the wrong guy!”

Nailed it.

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask...

Be more like Christ they said...

Be more like Christ they said, so I became Jewish.

Why did Jesus Christ get fired from the kosher deli?

Because he Cross contaminated all the food

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish I could be like Jesus Christ...

That son of a bitch retired in his early 30's!

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A Protestant archaeologist uncovered Jesus Christ’s tomb.

And he discovered inside it remains, which beyond any reasonable doubt belong to Jesus Christ himself. The archaeologist understands that this could be catastrophic for Christian faith, since this means that there wasn’t any Resurrection of Christ. He’s in desperate need of advice, and so he decides...

I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

Jesus Christ was once Arrested.

But he was released on Christian Bale.

Everyone knows the story of "doubting Thomas" and his reaction to the death and resurrection of Christ

He was famously known for insisting on seeing the wounds for himself, and while most think it was because he didn't believe the stories he was hearing, I know it was because he wanted to confirm that Jesus was indeed a holey man.

Why did Jesus Christ have to stop playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

What is the difference between Dale Earnhardt Jr and Jesus Christ?

One of them is the son of God and the other one died for your sins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the toilet say after Jesus Christ was done using it?

Holy crap!

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

My religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of Christ.

I totally nailed it.

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Archeologists have reportedly uncovered the chamber pot of Jesus Christ

Holy shit, right?

How do you know when you've found the Anti-Christ?

He turns your wine into water

The boy who would become the anti-Christ has already been born in our planet...

Fortunately, his mom was an anti-vaxxer and died at the age of 6 from the measles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit."
They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys."
The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone g...

Christ, if I said I'll do it I'll do it

No need to remind me every six months...

What does the H stand for in Jesus H. Christ?

Haploid

Considering that Jesus Christ was able to make wine from water

and the fact that I can make water from wine,
does it make me Antichrist?

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