Three things Christ promises he will never do

He won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

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Did you know that Jesus Christ was Italian?

He lived with his mother for 33 years; he thought she was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

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Why was Christ not born in Italy?

Because God searched that whole country and he could not find 3 wise men or a single virgin.

If Jesus Christ was a dinosaur..

He'd be Tyrannosaurus Resurrex

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What do Jesus Christ and Male Porn-stars have in common?

They both take their sweet time before the second coming.

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

Why should red blood cells never say 'jesus christ!'

Because you never take the lord's name in vain

What’s Christ’s favorite cheesy cracker?

Jeez-Its.

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel.

He hands the innkeeper 3 nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus christ walked up to the front desk at a Marriott hotel

He laid three nails on the counter and said, "can you put me up for the night?"

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

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An eldery Jew buys a lottery ticket every day from the small minimarket from the corner.

And every day he says the same thing: "Hashem (God), please let me win the lottery - if I do I will give a million dollars to charity"

And each day he loses. And still, every day he repeated the same prayer "Hashem, please help me win the lottery - I will give a million dollars to charity"...

I used to think the "CE" in "BCE" stood for "Christ Entrance"

It's a common error

What’s the difference between Christ and an oil painting?

It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

This joke nearly got me kicked out of the choir.

Never call your heroin Jesus Christ.

You shouldn’t take the lords name in vein.

An amish man, a hippie and jesus walk into a bar.

An amish man, a hippie and jesus walk into a bar.
An old man at the bar turns to them and surprised, he asks: “Why is it that three men that are so different from each other travelling together?”
The Hippie says “I want to learn the ways of the amish to be freed from materialism.”
The...

Jesus Christ, 12 years old, steps out of his home but neglects to close the door behind him.

Mary: Hold on, son! Were you born in a barn?

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and Matt Gaetz?

Matt Gaetz is not coming back after he’s crucified

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

Everyone knows the story of "doubting Thomas" and his reaction to the death and resurrection of Christ

He was famously known for insisting on seeing the wounds for himself, and while most think it was because he didn't believe the stories he was hearing, I know it was because he wanted to confirm that Jesus was indeed a holey man.

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A guy keeps falling asleep in church (Long)

So Charlie has a problem with falling asleep in church. He turns to his friend sitting beside him. "Here", he says handing him a straight pin. "Stick me with this pin if I fall asleep". His friend agrees, and Charlie settles in for the service.

The service goes on for a while, and the priest ...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

My dad is a huge fan of Christian screamo...

Whenever he's out working on his car he always singing along like "JESUS CHRIST!" "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"

Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"

The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."

Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."

Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."

The agree ...

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

A man goes to his doctor to treat his stomachache and is prescribed a suppository.

Doctor: "So you know how to take this pill? It's a suppository."

Man : "Of course I know how to take a pill! Thanks, Doc."

The man walks out of the doctors office. The next day, the office gets a phone call from the man.

Man: "These pills don't work! My stomach hurts even worse ...

Why did Jesus’s nieces and nephews hate his wife?

Because she was the Aunty Christ.

Patrick was having a vacation in Australia

and couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls....So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.

Your best bet is to grab you...

If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all

It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy

Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says

“Jesus Christ your back!”

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A young man goes to dinner at the GF's house for the first time after having had beans for lunch.

As they're sitting around the table, the father asks, while petting the family dog Rufus, what the young man's intentions are for his daughter. The young man starts to reply that his intentions are honorable and that he intends to be respectful, but he realizes that he's got a fart building, so he's...

Paddy's deaf wife

Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that Paddy could perform to give the do...

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

Leg amputated

Guy goes into hospital to get his leg amputated! But the surgeon makes a mistake and removes the good leg!

The guy wakes up from anesthetic and the doctors at his bedside. Hello sir, I will get straight to it, do you want the good news or the bad news?

Guys says" bad news first then go...

How will we know when the Anti-Christ is among us?

He changes wine into water.

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Defining piracy

If i have fish and you are hungry and I offer you my fish - That's generosity...
If i have fish and you are hungry and you eat it without my permission - That's stealing..
If i have fish and 5000 of you are hungry and i make 5000 copies of the fish and all of us eat contently - I am fukin Jes...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

Jesus and his dog

When Jesus Christ was a very young boy of 8 or 9 years, he did all the things other boys of his age did. He played with his toys and ran with his friends. But like most little boys that age, he really wanted a puppy. He begged Joseph to let him have one but Joseph said he wasn't ready for the respon...

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Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.

Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

Jesus Christ said " When one door closes,another one opens"

Not the best words the customer wanted to hear from a carpenter..

The boy who would become the anti-Christ has already been born in our planet...

Fortunately, his mom was an anti-vaxxer and died at the age of 6 from the measles.

Two guys are sitting on a couch

watching a reality cop show. One of them says: "World outside is so brutal, Jesus Christ, so violent and scary. I don't think I can go outside ever again."

His friend: "At some point we have to! I'm afraid the homeowners are coming home soon."

Jesus is back...

Two homeless friends meet in a small british town on a Sunday morning after a long time.

*We must celebrate, let's have a drink, what do you have on you?*

*I only have a few Euros, and you?*

*Me too, hardly enough to have a nice drinking day.*

After a moment of silence, t...

I’ll only watch a Passion of the Christ sequel under one condition.

Jesus has to say, “you crossed the wrong guy!”

Nailed it.

How did Jesus Christ stay in shape?

He cross-trained.

A drunk man is in a bar and claims to be Jesus Christ

"Of course you're not Jesus Christ" answers the barman. The drunk man then says "I'll prove it to you". So the drunk man leaves the bar and comes across a priest. Again, he claims to be Jesus Christ. "No you are not Jesus Christ" answers the priest. "Follow me" answers in the drunk man. So both of t...

The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.

God calls from the heavens, “it is time.”

But Jesus and his friends can’t hear over all the partying etc

On day 39, same thing. “Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.

Still nothing.

On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he’ll likely b...

Just another Jesus joke.

Why did Jesus Christ cross the road?

He wanted to get across.

If Jesus Christ died for our sins...

then who died for our cos and tans?

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

"What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almig...

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

What was Christ's favorite chord?

Gsus

Why was Jesus Christ so ripped & muscular?

He did a lot of cross training...

So, the Pope dies and goes to heaven...

He approached the pearly gates as angelic music plays around him and soft light baths him.

Knocking, he is surprised when Hari Krishna open the gate to him.

"Hello. Who are you?" He says in a thick Indian accent.

"I'm the Pope."

"Great. What is a Pope?"

"The head...

Jesus and Moses were playing some Golf

As they approached one particular hole, a short Par 3, with a pond where the hole was located right at the edge of the pond.

You know, Moses, this hole is designed just like hole 15 at Pinehurst. I once watched Jack Nicholas use a 9 iron to get a hole in one here!

As he pulled out his...

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

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I hate it when people say "Jesus F***ing Christ"...

..."Jesus Masturbating" is shorter

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

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A businessman's talking parrot orders 5,000 barrels of crude oil

A businessman with a talking parrot goes to work. He leaves the parrot behind at home, and the intelligent bird decides to fuck around with his old man.

As soon as the man leaves through the door, the parrot picks up the phone and says, "Hello, I'd like to order 5000 barrels of crude oil."...

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

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A USMC veteran decides he wants to die in a very badass way.

After some time thinking, he figures the most badass way to die is while rowing across the Atlantic (keep in mind, he's a Marine; not too bright). So he makes his way to the East Coast, buys a dingy, and gets to rowing.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MARINE CORPS! MARINE CORPS!" he eagerly chants as...

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

What did the monk say when he saw Jesus Christ's face in his margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

I agree we should keep the “Christ” in Christmas but is there any way we could also work Goku in there?

I'm just Saiyan.
#
#
Merry Christmas yah filthy animals.

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I personally don’t believe Jesus Christ died a virgin.

I mean he was **nailed** before he died.

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker?

The expression on their face when they get nailed

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

Why doesn't Jesus Christ eat M&Ms?

Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

The body of Christ

A man.

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

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Muhammed, Confucius, and Buddha walk into a bar

The bartender spots them and says "aw, Christ!"

Muhammed says, "nah, it's Saturday, Jesus don't drink on the Sabbath."

“Knock knock” “Hi, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”

“Yes”
.........
................

“Would you like to step inside?”
“I’m not sure, I’ve never made it this far”

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I don't know why y'all think Jesus Christ is coming back.

They didn't nail him to a fucking boomerang.

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."


Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."


Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."


Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
...

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What did the toilet say after Jesus Christ was done using it?

Holy crap!

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.


"Jesus, did you unload the dishwasher?"

"Honey, I was feeding the 5000."

"Don't give me that... Did you clean the sink?"

"Wist ye not that I must be about My Father's b...

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

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The Power of Christ

Mary notices that her son Jesus is 30 years old and still a virgin. So she tells the local prostitute to show Jesus, what being with a woman is all about.
The prostitute takes Jesus into a room while his mother waits outside. A few minutes later she comes screaming out of the room.
Mary ask...

Jesus Christ wasn’t white...

But according to Catholics he’s still a cracker.

If Jesus Christ was born today...

DNA tests would figure out who the father was.

When priests take the Eucharist, it's apparently "the body of Christ" and they're "doing the lord's work."

However, when I do it, I'm "committing cannibalism" and "need to get out of this graveyard and seek help".

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

During a flight in a private jat, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain
point in the travel, they wanted to know
where in the world they are. But the
American has an idea and says:
"I think we are in New York. Let me confirm"
So he opens his window (believe me, it was
a very modern airplane) and put his arm
out. "I was right. Just touch...

Why did Jesus Christ get fired from the kosher deli?

Because he Cross contaminated all the food

What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise?

Cross fit.

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

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Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders

Apparently, his saving really got out of control!

I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ?

Being white in Middle East.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ?

It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture of Jesus Christ

I was folding my pants, fresh out the drier, and found a dollar in a pocket. Jesus Christ...

How long have I been laundering money?

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

My religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of Christ.

I totally nailed it.

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A man walks into a bar with a cat...

"Hey, we don't allow cats in here!" the bartender says.

But the man objects. "This isn't just any fucking cat," he drunkenly slurs. "This is a very special cat. I've taught him to do fucking math!"

The bartender is skeptical. "*You* personally taught *that* cat to do math?" he asks....

Jesus Christ goes up to heaven...

He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.

The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"

Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".

The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"

Jesus says "My ...

A missionary has spent the last few months bringing the joys of Christ to a primitive forest tribe.

He has become a friend of the people, and has taught them much. One day, one of the chieftain's many wives gives birth to an albino child. The chieftain has never seen such such a thing, and immediately assumes that his wife has been unfaithful and has been intimate with the only white man in the fo...

Christ, if I said I'll do it I'll do it

No need to remind me every six months...

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Bosnian joke for ya'

Judgment day comes and big hole in ground opens. And angels tell people to jump in it and they will be judged for their sins. First comes English guy, jumps in a hole, and in darkness he feels Jesus taking his hand "My son, tell me your sins" Jesus says. "I'm sorry Jesus, I was a sinner, I cursed yo...

The real Jesus Christ

Three drunks are sitting in a bar in Amsterdam and start bragging. The first drunk says:"I am Jesus Christ, and I will prove it to you by walking over water". They grab their beers and walk to the closest pond, and of course the drunk falls down in the water. Once back on the waterside the second dr...

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 1)

He turns up to the interview and there are two other guys.

The first guy gets taken in for an interview and is asked: Who killed Jesus Christ? He replies "The Jews".

The second guy gets taken in and is asked the same thing, to which he replies "The Romans".

The third guy (our gu...

Excorcising an evil computer be like...

The power of Christ compiles you!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPILES YOU!

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

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I wish I could be like Jesus Christ...

That son of a bitch retired in his early 30's!

Why did Jesus Christ have to stop playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

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