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Christ Jokes

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.
AI Image Generator

I’m never playing videogames with Jesus Christ again…

… it took him 3 days to respawn.

Jesus Christ was supposed to be named Franklin....

Until Mary stubbed her toe.

If Jesus Christ came in the modern day, what would his favorite gun be?

Nail gun

If Jesus Christ died for our sins...

then who died for our cos and tans?

Did you know that as Christ was getting nailed to the cross...

He actually became holier?

Judas: the one I bestow with a kiss is the christ

Roman soldier: can't you like... point at him or something?

Judas (putting on lipstick): I don't tell you how to do your job!

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

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Did you know that Jesus Christ was Italian?

He lived with his mother for 33 years; he thought she was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"

The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."

Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."

Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."

The agree ...

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

What is Jesus Christ's favorite metal band?

Nine Inch Nails

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

Power of Christ

Heard this one earlier and thought it was pretty good. I think it’s probably a repost so I’m sorry.

A priest was driving along a road a bit rashly while drunk. He’s got the bottle in the passenger seat. Eventually, a cop tails him and pulls him over.

Cop: “Hey Father, how’s it going?”<...

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

Never call your heroin Jesus Christ.

You shouldn’t take the lords name in vein.

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

Jesus Christ said " When one door closes another opens":

Not the best line to come from a carpenter

Jesus Christ himself was a Ford man

....he walked everywhere.

What do Karlsson, Terminator and Jesus Christ have in common?

They all promise to come back.

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I don't know why y'all think Jesus Christ is coming back.

They didn't nail him to a fucking boomerang.

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

During the Pontius Pilate number in Jesus Christ Superstar, I thought the orchestra hit a wrong note, but they were actually changing key and it was Pilate who didn’t keep up.

So I thought it was caused faulty instrumentation but it was really due to Pilate error.

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon…

Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!

Jesus Christ, 12 years old, steps out of his home but neglects to close the door behind him.

Mary: Hold on, son! Were you born in a barn?

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

Why did Christ struggle the the crossword

He was stuck on 2 across

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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Why was Christ not born in Italy?

Because God searched that whole country and he could not find 3 wise men or a single virgin.

What’s Christ’s favorite cheesy cracker?

Jeez-Its.

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What do Jesus Christ and Male Porn-stars have in common?

They both take their sweet time before the second coming.

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and Matt Gaetz?

Matt Gaetz is not coming back after he’s crucified

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

Jesus Christs walks into ..

A hotel, he hands the innkeeper three nails and he asks “Can you put me up for the night?”


Credit: Brandon Lee, The Crow

Why should red blood cells never say 'jesus christ!'

Because you never take the lord's name in vain

Jesus christ walked up to the front desk at a Marriott hotel

He laid three nails on the counter and said, "can you put me up for the night?"

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

I used to think the "CE" in "BCE" stood for "Christ Entrance"

It's a common error

Following the recent anti-Islam film made, there will be a film made to mock Jesus Christ.

It will be released in 1979 and will be called Life of Brian

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ?

It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture of Jesus Christ

What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise?

Cross fit.

Everyone knows the story of "doubting Thomas" and his reaction to the death and resurrection of Christ

He was famously known for insisting on seeing the wounds for himself, and while most think it was because he didn't believe the stories he was hearing, I know it was because he wanted to confirm that Jesus was indeed a holey man.

If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all

It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy

How will we know when the Anti-Christ is among us?

He changes wine into water.

How did Jesus Christ stay in shape?

He cross-trained.

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker?

The expression on their face when they get nailed

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

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Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.

Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

Jesus Christ goes up to heaven...

He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.

The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"

Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".

The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"

Jesus says "My ...

Why was Jesus Christ so ripped & muscular?

He did a lot of cross training...

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I hate it when people say "Jesus F***ing Christ"...

..."Jesus Masturbating" is shorter

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The Power of Christ

Mary notices that her son Jesus is 30 years old and still a virgin. So she tells the local prostitute to show Jesus, what being with a woman is all about.
The prostitute takes Jesus into a room while his mother waits outside. A few minutes later she comes screaming out of the room.
Mary ask...

The real Jesus Christ

Three drunks are sitting in a bar in Amsterdam and start bragging. The first drunk says:"I am Jesus Christ, and I will prove it to you by walking over water". They grab their beers and walk to the closest pond, and of course the drunk falls down in the water. Once back on the waterside the second dr...

I’ll only watch a Passion of the Christ sequel under one condition.

Jesus has to say, “you crossed the wrong guy!”

Nailed it.

A drunk man is in a bar and claims to be Jesus Christ

"Of course you're not Jesus Christ" answers the barman. The drunk man then says "I'll prove it to you". So the drunk man leaves the bar and comes across a priest. Again, he claims to be Jesus Christ. "No you are not Jesus Christ" answers the priest. "Follow me" answers in the drunk man. So both of t...

Jesus Christ wasn’t white...

But according to Catholics he’s still a cracker.

The boy who would become the anti-Christ has already been born in our planet...

Fortunately, his mom was an anti-vaxxer and died at the age of 6 from the measles.

What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ?

Being white in Middle East.

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

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Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders

Apparently, his saving really got out of control!

The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.

God calls from the heavens, “it is time.”

But Jesus and his friends can’t hear over all the partying etc

On day 39, same thing. “Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.

Still nothing.

On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he’ll likely b...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car..

A police officer pulls over a speeding
car. The officer says, *‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’*

The driver says, *‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’*

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, *‘Now don’t be sill...

“Knock knock” “Hi, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”

“Yes”
.........
................

“Would you like to step inside?”
“I’m not sure, I’ve never made it this far”

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Jesus Christ ! In a drunken stupor last night, I ingested 45 Viagra pills.

Don't worry. I'm okay now.
But the wife -- she took it pretty hard.

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

Why doesn't Jesus Christ eat M&Ms?

Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

If Jesus Christ was born today...

DNA tests would figure out who the father was.

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Jewish friend sent this to me

A jewish guy sends his son to Israel, and he comes back home christian. The man thinks this is odd so he tells his friend about it.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel when he was Jewish and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them wen...

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I personally don’t believe Jesus Christ died a virgin.

I mean he was **nailed** before he died.

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

What did the monk say when he saw Jesus Christ's face in his margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

My religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of Christ.

I totally nailed it.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.


"Jesus, did you unload the dishwasher?"

"Honey, I was feeding the 5000."

"Don't give me that... Did you clean the sink?"

"Wist ye not that I must be about My Father's b...

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

A missionary has spent the last few months bringing the joys of Christ to a primitive forest tribe.

He has become a friend of the people, and has taught them much. One day, one of the chieftain's many wives gives birth to an albino child. The chieftain has never seen such such a thing, and immediately assumes that his wife has been unfaithful and has been intimate with the only white man in the fo...

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

Why did Jesus Christ get fired from the kosher deli?

Because he Cross contaminated all the food

What is the difference between Dale Earnhardt Jr and Jesus Christ?

One of them is the son of God and the other one died for your sins

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

I was folding my pants, fresh out the drier, and found a dollar in a pocket. Jesus Christ...

How long have I been laundering money?

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Imagine Jesus Christ having sex...

... Holy fuck!

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An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit."
They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys."
The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone g...

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

Considering that Jesus Christ was able to make wine from water

and the fact that I can make water from wine,
does it make me Antichrist?

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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

Christ, if I said I'll do it I'll do it

No need to remind me every six months...

What does the H stand for in Jesus H. Christ?

Haploid

Why did Jesus Christ have to stop playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

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