Jesus Christ walks into a hotel.

He hands the innkeeper 3 nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus Christ walks into bar

Orders 12 glasses of water, looks at his disiples and gives them a wink.

Of all of Jesus Christ's miracles, the most impressive one is...

...having twelve close friends after the age of 30.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

I used to think the "CE" in "BCE" stood for "Christ Entrance"

It's a common error

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"The body of Christ"

A "Wise guy" went to Church to partake of Holy Communion. When his turn came he got close to the priest and opened his mouth. The Priest placed the Holy Host on his tongue saying "The body of Christ" but at the same time released a silent but deadly fart caused by the lentil soup he had for dinner t...

If Christ were alive today, he'd have a huge retirement account

because Jesus saves.

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and Matt Gaetz?

Matt Gaetz is not coming back after he’s crucified

Everyone knows the story of "doubting Thomas" and his reaction to the death and resurrection of Christ

He was famously known for insisting on seeing the wounds for himself, and while most think it was because he didn't believe the stories he was hearing, I know it was because he wanted to confirm that Jesus was indeed a holey man.

Offering his flesh for bread and his blood for wine, Jesus Christ made...

the ultimate snackrifice

What’s the difference between Christ and an oil painting?

It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

This joke nearly got me kicked out of the choir.

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all

It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy

Never call your heroin Jesus Christ.

You shouldn’t take the lords name in vein.

How will we know when the Anti-Christ is among us?

He changes wine into water.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die.

But FAT CELLS… must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.

During a flight in a private jat, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain
point in the travel, they wanted to know
where in the world they are. But the
American has an idea and says:
"I think we are in New York. Let me confirm"
So he opens his window (believe me, it was
a very modern airplane) and put his arm
out. "I was right. Just touch...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says

“Jesus Christ your back!”

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Bosnian joke for ya'

Judgment day comes and big hole in ground opens. And angels tell people to jump in it and they will be judged for their sins. First comes English guy, jumps in a hole, and in darkness he feels Jesus taking his hand "My son, tell me your sins" Jesus says. "I'm sorry Jesus, I was a sinner, I cursed yo...

Excorcising an evil computer be like...

The power of Christ compiles you!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPILES YOU!

Jesus Christ said " When one door closes,another one opens"

Not the best words the customer wanted to hear from a carpenter..

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

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Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.

Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

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A man walks into a bar with a cat...

"Hey, we don't allow cats in here!" the bartender says.

But the man objects. "This isn't just any fucking cat," he drunkenly slurs. "This is a very special cat. I've taught him to do fucking math!"

The bartender is skeptical. "*You* personally taught *that* cat to do math?" he asks....

Did you hear they are remaking “The Passion of the Christ” from the Gentiles point of view?

They’re calling it the “Uncut” edition.

I’ll only watch a Passion of the Christ sequel under one condition.

Jesus has to say, “you crossed the wrong guy!”

Nailed it.

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" Th...

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 1)

He turns up to the interview and there are two other guys.

The first guy gets taken in for an interview and is asked: Who killed Jesus Christ? He replies "The Jews".

The second guy gets taken in and is asked the same thing, to which he replies "The Romans".

The third guy (our gu...

The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.

God calls from the heavens, “it is time.”

But Jesus and his friends can’t hear over all the partying etc

On day 39, same thing. “Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.

Still nothing.

On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he’ll likely b...

The boy who would become the anti-Christ has already been born in our planet...

Fortunately, his mom was an anti-vaxxer and died at the age of 6 from the measles.

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

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Johnny was on a date...

They were getting hot and heavy in the backseat and he reached down into her panties.

Her warm wet pussy opened slightly and he inserted a finger.

After a minute or so of finger banging she whispered in his ear begging him. "Oooh put another finger in."

Surprised he replied "Je...

Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"

The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."

Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."

Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."

The agree ...

A drunk man is in a bar and claims to be Jesus Christ

"Of course you're not Jesus Christ" answers the barman. The drunk man then says "I'll prove it to you". So the drunk man leaves the bar and comes across a priest. Again, he claims to be Jesus Christ. "No you are not Jesus Christ" answers the priest. "Follow me" answers in the drunk man. So both of t...

How did Jesus Christ stay in shape?

He cross-trained.

If red wine is the blood of Christ...

I'm never having white wine again.

Aliens decide to finally visit Earth…

They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"
...

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

What’s the motto for the church’s spaceflight program?

The Power of Christ Propels You!

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Which franchise has the most anticipated final installment for their trilogy?

Christianity, the return of Christ, coming to cinemas near you whenever god feels like it

What was Christ's favorite chord?

Gsus

Why was Jesus Christ so ripped & muscular?

He did a lot of cross training...

Hindu dies and goes to heaven...

Hindu dies and goes to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates, talking to St Peter. He says, "I wish to speak to Jesus Christ", and St Peter turns his head and yells, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

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I hate it when people say "Jesus F***ing Christ"...

..."Jesus Masturbating" is shorter

If Jesus Christ died for our sins...

then who died for our cos and tans?

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"

They run until they reach a dead end.

They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:

"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVE...

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"Your happiest memory.."

A TV crew is shooting a documentary in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview oldest man in the village. The reporter asks him: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life...

"Well, th...

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Jesus Christ ! In a drunken stupor last night, I ingested 45 Viagra pills.

Don't worry. I'm okay now.
But the wife -- she took it pretty hard.

I agree we should keep the “Christ” in Christmas but is there any way we could also work Goku in there?

I'm just Saiyan.
#
#
Merry Christmas yah filthy animals.

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

What did the monk say when he saw Jesus Christ's face in his margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

Vin Diesel wants the next Fast and Furious movie to be a musical.

It’s called “*Jesus Christ, Supercar!*”

The body of Christ

A man.

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

Why doesn't Jesus Christ eat M&Ms?

Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

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I personally don’t believe Jesus Christ died a virgin.

I mean he was **nailed** before he died.

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker?

The expression on their face when they get nailed

What do Swiss Cheese and Jesus Christ have in common?

They are both very **holey**

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.

Some women would find things to complain about even if they were married to Jesus Christ Himself.


"Jesus, did you unload the dishwasher?"

"Honey, I was feeding the 5000."

"Don't give me that... Did you clean the sink?"

"Wist ye not that I must be about My Father's b...

When priests take the Eucharist, it's apparently "the body of Christ" and they're "doing the lord's work."

However, when I do it, I'm "committing cannibalism" and "need to get out of this graveyard and seek help".

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What did the toilet say after Jesus Christ was done using it?

Holy crap!

What's so special about Christ?

My father also put me here to suffer and die.

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

Why did Jesus Christ get fired from the kosher deli?

Because he Cross contaminated all the food

Jesus Christ wasn’t white...

But according to Catholics he’s still a cracker.

“Knock knock” “Hi, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”

“Yes”
.........
................

“Would you like to step inside?”
“I’m not sure, I’ve never made it this far”

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

What is the difference between Dale Earnhardt Jr and Jesus Christ?

One of them is the son of God and the other one died for your sins

Aliens visit earth

People were found by extraterrestrials. Aliens descended from the skies on the earth surface. Humanity wondered who should they sent to talk to the aliens. Top scientists from around the world agreed to send prominent biologist and well-known religion critique Richard Dawkins. He approached the spac...

If Jesus Christ was born today...

DNA tests would figure out who the father was.

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

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I don't know why y'all think Jesus Christ is coming back.

They didn't nail him to a fucking boomerang.

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

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5 Year Old to Dad : Do you know what comes out of a virgin Pussy?

**Dad** : Jesus Christ !!

Who taught you all those bad words ?

I thought of a new name for communion wafers:

Christ krispies.

My wife is rather annoyed.

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ?

Being white in Middle East.

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Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in America?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise?

Cross fit.

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A man sitting at a bar told the bartender, “my grandmother had a great ass.”

The bartender was shocked. “Jesus, man, you gotta be fucking sick to talk about your grandmother that way.” The man got mad, “Jesus Christ, come on! I’m not talking about her rear end, she had a donkey, it lived forever, and worked hard for her.” The bartender apologized. Later on the man said, a l...

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Joke

Cellmate 1: Jesus christ im so horny i would fuck a fly if i caught one

Cellmate 2: buzzzzzzz

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

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Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders

Apparently, his saving really got out of control!

My religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of Christ.

I totally nailed it.

Christ, if I said I'll do it I'll do it

No need to remind me every six months...

Considering that Jesus Christ was able to make wine from water

and the fact that I can make water from wine,
does it make me Antichrist?

A missionary has spent the last few months bringing the joys of Christ to a primitive forest tribe.

He has become a friend of the people, and has taught them much. One day, one of the chieftain's many wives gives birth to an albino child. The chieftain has never seen such such a thing, and immediately assumes that his wife has been unfaithful and has been intimate with the only white man in the fo...

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus Christ?

It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture of Jesus Christ

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Archeologists have reportedly uncovered the chamber pot of Jesus Christ

Holy shit, right?

Jesus Christ goes up to heaven...

He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father.

The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!"

Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father".

The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!"

Jesus says "My ...

What does the H stand for in Jesus H. Christ?

Haploid

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Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

A conversation between a priest and me

Me: So Christ body is bread?

Priest: Yes

Me: It rose from the grave?

Priest: Yes

Me: Because of yeast?

Priest: No

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I wish I could be like Jesus Christ...

That son of a bitch retired in his early 30's!

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

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Two best friends were walking down the street together

The first said, "Oh shit, here comes my wife and my mistress together!" and turns the other way.
"Christ, mine too," says the other.

Why did Jesus Christ have to stop playing hockey?

Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

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The Power of Christ

Mary notices that her son Jesus is 30 years old and still a virgin. So she tells the local prostitute to show Jesus, what being with a woman is all about.
The prostitute takes Jesus into a room while his mother waits outside. A few minutes later she comes screaming out of the room.
Mary ask...

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Oh, April!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and ...

The real Jesus Christ

Three drunks are sitting in a bar in Amsterdam and start bragging. The first drunk says:"I am Jesus Christ, and I will prove it to you by walking over water". They grab their beers and walk to the closest pond, and of course the drunk falls down in the water. Once back on the waterside the second dr...

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A Protestant archaeologist uncovered Jesus Christ’s tomb.

And he discovered inside it remains, which beyond any reasonable doubt belong to Jesus Christ himself. The archaeologist understands that this could be catastrophic for Christian faith, since this means that there wasn’t any Resurrection of Christ. He’s in desperate need of advice, and so he decides...

What do you call Christ on a cracker?

Jeez-It’s.

Christ, party of 13

Jesus and company arrive at the restaurant where they will enjoy their final meal together.

He tells the hostess they will need a space that can seat 26. Only counting 13, she asks why they need such a big table.

With a shrug, Jesus replies: "We like to sit on the same side."

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