A Holocaust survivor passed away, went to heaven, and told God a Holocaust joke

God: Holocaust jokes aren’t funny

Holocaust Survivor: I guess you had to be there

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...

 

 

..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

A boy has a question about God

Sorry if this has been posted before. I just heard it and I’ve never seen it on here before.

There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is s...

If everyone is a child of God...

...then Jesus isn't all that special, really.


It's a joke. Please don't be offended.

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

God called on the Pope, Donald Trump, and Bill Gates, and told them,

"I called you together to let you know that I am tired of all the bickering, hate and violence in the world. You have 30 days to get things in order, then I am going to end the world. "

The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were ...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

Nothing says I have total faith in God

than the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

To all of my friends I am like a God.

They only remember me when they need help. Then forgets me again afterwards when I'm not needed.

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

God, bored one day, decides to visit one of his most loyal followers and grant him one wsh.

Follower: Wow, anything I want!?!?

God: Yes, as long as it is in reason.

Follower: OK, can I get a highway from my house to Hawaii?

God: I'm sorry, that would interfere with other people and nature, so I'm afraid I cannot do that.

Follower: Alright, I wish to be able to u...

A holocaust survivor dies of old age. When she goes to heaven she tells god a holocaust joke.

God responds “I don’t find that funny”

The survivor replies “I guess you had to be there”

Courtesy of Ricky Gervais in “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”

I asked God what the most unlikely thing was in the universe.

He replied

How did the God of Mischief escape Assgard unnoticed?

He was low-key.

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An angel asked God, “Why did you make sex so good for the humans?”

God said, “‘Cuz I want them to scream my name.”

Why didn't God make two Yogi Bears?

The second time he messed up and made a Boo-Boo.

What do you call a scientist who believes in ancient gods and goddesses?

Carl Pagan!

Came up by myself!

Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “

“Ok, ask away” God said.

“Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked.

“the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted.

The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

What's God's favorite chord? (music joke)

G sus

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

Oh my god I'm in trouble I just sold my soul to satan.

No problem, I just bought 2 atheists souls for a dollar each and traded them for mine.

A man jumps off a cliff with faith that God will save him

The man hits the ground full force and is left barely alive and bleeding out. A doctor passing by notices the struggling man and says, "Sir, I'm a doctor, please let me help you!" To which the man replies, "Get away from me! I have faith that God will heal me!" And the doctor walks away. Another doc...

Person 1: God bless America.

Person 2: Why, did it sneeze?

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

Dear God: As we approach 2020

Feel free to fulfill that 2012 Prophesy

People treat me like a god

They completely ignore my existence until they need something

What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

Three Engineers are Discussing God

The structural engineer says "I think God must've been a structural engineer. The musculoskeletal system is perfectly designed to allow us to walk upright."

The electrical engineer says "Interesting, but you are obviously wrong. God is an electrical engineer. The nervous system is so compl...

What did God say about Saint Joan when she arrived in heaven?

Well done.

God said to John, come forth and recieve eternal life,

But he came fifth and won a toaster.

What did Jesus say when God ordered an ark to be built?

I Noah guy...

Have you ever wondered if zits are just God trying to speak to you in Braille?

Mine say, "Nobody will ever love you."

There was once a sculptureer who couldn't sculpt hands for the love of god

Which is why every sculpture of his was a bust!

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NSFW:If God didnt intend for man to eat pussy

He wouldn't have made it look so much like a taco.

My friend, after defeating me in a game, said he's god.

Joke's on him, I'm atheist.

Jacob survived the Holocaust, but his family did not. Angrily, Jacob raises his fist to the sky and shouts "God, give me back my family!"

A few seconds later, a big load of fine ashes is poured down on Jacob and a deep voice from above roars "Here you are, Jacob."

Jacob looks down, then he looks up and shyly notes: "They also had gold teeth."

i wish people would stop bringing god into everything

jesus christ, it's so annoying.

God explain to stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell

God : You prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell ?

Stalin : i chose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal

If Gods favorite guitar chords is a Gsus....

The is the Priest's favorite chord A minor?

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A man goes to a mountain to talk to God...

He shouts on the top: "God, I asked you to let me win the lottery, but I lost!"

Thunder, wind and a cloud opens giving shinning rays of light, a voice roars: "I told you that I would put the winnning numbers on your wife's buttocks, all you had to do was take a look! The winning number was 77...

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Hitler and Stalin go straight to hell after their death. There, they meet God.

God asks Hitler how many women he had relations with ?

Hitler replies ,” one ,only one.”

God gives him the keys to a brand new Mercedes for his loyalty.

God asks the same question to Stalin and is met with the answer of 7-8 women. The good not happy with this answer gives Stalin...

A Doberman, German Shepherd, and Cat are sitting before God in the judgement hall

God looks at the Doberman and asks "Doberman, what did you believe in?"

The Doberman replies "I believed in being faithful and loyal to my master until the day I died."

God answers "Very well. You may come sit to my left side. Shepherd, what did you believe in?"

The Shepherd say...

If the Bible was to be summed up in one sentence it would be “ God created a man and a woman ...

... and then promptly lost control of events.”

I really believe that Allah is the one true god,

I mean the universe started with an explosion, didn't it?

Why do surgeons have a God complex

Because religious people always thank them after operations go well

God: We should let these “humans” have time to rest.

Angel: Agreed

God: How about we have them go to sleep at night?

Angel: That sounds good! But how will they go to sleep?

God: That’s easy. We make them pretend to go to sleep for a few minutes, before it actually works and then they fall asleep.

Angel: ....

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

Three Gifts from God

God is so kind, and he gives Americans three gifts honesty, intelligence, and Donald Trump.

He doesn't want to see Americans become too greedy, so each person can only choose two gifts.

If a person chooses honesty and Trump, then he will not be an intelligent person.

If a person...

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So 4 Nuns die and go to the heaven...

They are met by the god himself at the pearly gates...



Looking at them the god says, "you have spent your entire life doing my work and spreading my message and therefore you may enter the gates of heaven, but before you do that, you must tell me right now if you have ever committed a...

What's the difference between God and a surgeon?

God knows that he's not a surgeon.

The Elder Gods don't pay for cable TV, HBO, or FiOS...

They have Cth-Hulu

A secretary knocks on God's door.

"The atheists are here to see you" she says.

God replies, "Tell them I'm not here"

If life is a game, then God is the developer.

And I'm the bug tester...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again:

Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!


The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!


Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.

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God and Jesus were hashing out the final details of his life on earth.

"The only thing remaining is to decide upon your mode of death," said God. "Which do you prefer, crucifixion or killer bees?"

Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and said, "I think I will go with crucifixion."

And that's why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross in...

There is more evidence of my existence than of any of the gods.

Yet nobody believes in me.

A husband walks into the bedroom, is shocked by what he sees and shouts, "Oh my God Carol, no!" She explains, "But I told you all about us." He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is."

I have the body of a god

...unfortunately it's Thor.

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God : Anyone who kills Hitler gets a free pass into Heaven

Hitler : *laughs in Nazi*

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Sa...

I asked God for a bike, but I know that’s not how he works...

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Thank God I don't have a superiority complex

I'm so much better than those types of people

Why could the god of thunder not speak well after he got his wisdom teeth pulled...

Because he was too Thor.

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God walks in on his son masturbating

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

If God had a Lamborghini...

it'd be the Lam of God.

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane

and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the ...

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

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God tells Jesus that he's also the Jews' God.

Jesus: No way!

God: Yaweh

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me…"

God commented, "Well, what a big deal – inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was appare...

What do God and a meter stick on crack have in common?

They're both high rulers.

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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

God has been working very hard and needs a vacation

So Gabriel suggests he take a trip down to Earth, “After all,” says Gabriel, “You haven’t been there in forever and things have really been coming along.”

“Are you kidding me?” replies God, “Last time I went there, I banged some Jewish chick and they still haven’t stopped talking about it.”

When God closes a door, he opens a window.

My electric bill is through the roof.

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Some people say God is Good.

By that logic, Bob is Boob.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

A man died and met God in Heaven

The man asked God.
Man: God is it true that a million years to you is just like one second?

God: Yes

Man: God is it also true that a million dollars is just like one cent to you?

God: Yes.

Man: So can I please have a million dollars

God: Sure thing! Just ...

Why did the atheist sue God?

He knew he'd never see him in court.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

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Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.

God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?"
"Yes Sir" Peter replied.
With that God left and Peter called the...

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

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3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

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A man with a 25-inch long penis asks the God to help him.

Man: I can’t live with such a long penis.
God: Go to a lake, you will find a female frog. Ask her to marry you, she’ll say ‘No’ and you will lose five inches.

He went and asked the frog: Will you marry me?
Frog: No He lost five inches.

He thought 20 inch is still long, so he a...

What if you get to heaven and God says...

"Hey, you're finally awake."

God is always listening..

...besides Google, Facebook, NSA, FBI, CIA.

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What did God say when he was trying to make the first male snake but accidentally made it female.

“Crap! I made a miss snake.”

God? What's a billion years like to you? Nothing but a mere sec. Really!? Well then what's a billion dollars to you? Nothing but a penny. Well... Can I have a billion dollars then?

Sure... Hang on a sec.

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A Black man and a White man are arguing about what colour God is

The 2 men were arguing this for quite some time, each say God is their respective skin colour when a priest walks by. The white man asks the priest whether God is black or white. The priest responds with “why don’t you ask God yourself. So the Black man proceeds to yell out “God are you black or are...

So I was telling a holocaust joke to God the other day

He didn't get it, I think he might've needed to be there to understand.

Why did God create Adam before Eve?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it

The Norse gods are sleeping off an orgy...

The God of Thunder turns to the young woman next to him and says, “I am Thor!”

The gal looks up through sleepy eyes and replies, “You think you’re Thor! I’m tho Thor I can barely pith!

(Kinda an aural joke. If you could say it out loud it might work better.)

God made bi people overpowered

They have more options

God spoke to me in the Sistine Chapel

Kept saying “Quiet, Quiet, No Photos Please”

A banker died. When he arrived at the junction between heaven and hell, God gave him a choice between the two. The banker decided to take a tour.

He toured heaven. It was calm, serene and comfortable. Then he toured hell. There were nightclubs, endless bars, girls all around and loud music. He obviously chose the hell.

When he entered hell, there were fireballs, demons spitting java and not a pickle to eat. He turned to God and asked ...

You tell people God is looking over them they get happy

But when I do the same I get a restraining order? Pff

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Everything else was made in China.

When Moses made it to the Red Sea he screamed 'God damnit'

That's how he was able to cross.

A blonde was going ice fishing. When she drilled the first hole she heard a voice “there’s no fish under the ice!” So she stood up and found a new spot. As she drilled the second hole she heard the voice again “there’s no fish under the ice!!” So the blonde responded with a shiver “god is that you?”

“No mam I’m the janitor of this ice rink”

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