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Merry Jokes

Is it "Happy Impeachment" or "Merry Impeachment"?

I don't want to offend anyone.



Treason's Greetings and Impeach Navidad!

Merry Christmas?

A few years ago, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her anything.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Because you still haven't used the one I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna happy new year!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

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Donald Trump

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

 

Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended...

A friend of mine asked me why Merry and Pippen didn't just walk behind Treebeard through Fangorn Forest? I said "I don't know, why?"

He said " They wouldn't follow Ent trails". I said "That's an offal joke".

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

Merry Christmas and a

'Happy new ear', wished my Plastic Surgeon as he unwound the bandages.

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Twas the night before xmas and everyone was feeling merry

Merry got disgusted and went home

Merry Christmas from the FAA

Santa decided to make sure that his equipment was working. He hitched up the reindeer and ran pre-flight tests on the sleigh. Everything was just fine. As he swung up into the seat, he sees a man wearing a trenchcoat and carrying a shotgun walking towards him.

The man smiles and says, "Hi! I'...

Merry Christmas everybody!

One day four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the re...

Why do the ferris wheel and the merry-go-round never go on holiday together?

Because they travel on different planes!

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Merry Xmas in advance. Kind Of

Father of all non veg:

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

Surprised father answered- 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?

In her 30's to 40's,...

Ye old merry jokes

There are 3 milk bottles outside of a castle. 2 are full, 1 is half full. What's the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd.

The merry widow dies and goes to heaven

When she gets to the pearly gates she asks if she can be reunited with her late husband.
St Peter: "What's his name?"
Her: "Ted Smith."
St Peter: "We've got many, many Ted Smiths up here. Help me narrow it down. Where was he buried and what were his last words?"
Her: "He was bur...

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

Merry Christmas!

From everyone at the Alzheimer's society.

How do you wish Beethoven aMerry Christmas?

Fur-Elise Navidad!

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!

Maby a cross-post to math is in order.

I was sat on a merry-go-round thinking...

I need to start a revolution

Merry Christmas everyone from r/Jokes!

I hope this post will be online by the 24th as I am using Internet explorer.

What do you call an epileptic on a merry-go-round?

A Fidget Spinner.

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Merry Christmas

Its Christmas Eve and Santa comes down the chimney and sees a hot girl sitting there. She says "Santa, please stay. Santa says " ho ho ho gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the children I know." So she takes off her shirt and pants and says "Santa please stay." Santa says " ho ho ho gotta ...

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

How does a sheep say Merry Christmas?

Fleece navidad

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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Merry Christmas! Read Below For The Humor⬇️

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all ...

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!

This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room.

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Contest! The Three Funniest Jew Jokes get a free Christmas hat [US & Canada Only]

We're jews over at Rally Flip Cap and we think Jewish jokes are hilarious. We also think ironic prizes are hilarious. So to celebrate Hanukkah we're going to giveaway 3 Merry Christmas hats!

The 3 most upvoted jokes get this hat for free, completely free, including the shipping, no hidden fe...

You’re riding a giraffe and a tiger is chasing you.. What do you do?

You get off the merry-go-round

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Hi Lads.

Iv'e got a load of Victoria Secret Bra sets just arrived which will make a lovely Christmas present.

If you can send me a picture of your wife's tits, I'll let you know if I have any that will fit.

Merry Christmas..

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam" .... (An original LOTR-themed meta-joke for you.)

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam."

With them was Gandalf, returned from over Sea with Frodo in tow just for the occasion. No one in living memory – at least now that the elves were all in the Undying Lands to...

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Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

What did the artificial Pokemon say after being greeted, "Merry Christmas"?

Mewtwo.

Merry Christmas everyone! Does anyone know how to take care of birds?

I just received a bird in a tree anonymously, if anyone could help me, thanks!

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This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking with Merry and Pippen...

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark. He w...

A Swedish Farming Village in 1265...

...is facing a crisis. They haven't had any rain in almost 2 months. All of their crops are dead or dying, and many of the citizens are starving.

One day, Sven comes bursting into his kitchen, scooping his wife Helda into his arms and dancing with joy.

"Sven! What's gotten into you? Wh...

Robin Hood fought long and hard to keep religion out of Sherwood Forest...

Until one day his bow broke. The next day Tuck arrived and stayed with the merry men.

Remember, only yew can prevent forest friars!

It was Christmastime, and everyone was feeling merry..

..so she went home.

----
I know it works better when spoken. My grandpa used to say this line every Christmas. RIP Tata, you made reddit.

Merry 4th of July! The difference between Uncle Sam and Santa Claus is...

Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.

You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?

Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!

Merry Christmas everyone!

All I did was wish everyone and their families a Merry Christmas, and now they're all mad at me.

Last time I volunteer at THAT orphanage.

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What did the testicle say to the other testicle?

"Between you and me, I think something's up."

I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!

The kidnap

A blonde is running a little short of cash, so she goes to the playground and kidnaps Johnny.

She takes him to her home and writes a note:

\- “If you want to see Johnny again, leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a plain paper bag by the merry-go-round at the playground by 8 AM tomorro...

Why was the narrow strip of land with sea on either side, forming a link between two larger areas of land so happy?

It was a merry isthmus!

What did Bullwinkle say to Rocky on December 25th?

Merry Christmoose!

What do you call a grasshopper that forgot the words to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas?"

A "hum" bug.

Mints

My third favourite type of mint is spearmint.
My second favourite type is peppermint.
However, my absolute favourite type is a compliment.
Merry Christmas!

What do you call a person afflicted with cerebral palsy that likes riding on merry-go-rounds?

A Fidget Spinner.

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

I'm not sure from which country is that happy soda...

... but it seems to be a merry can.

What do you call an old snowman?

Water...



\---

*Courtesy of my 8-year-old this morning. Merry Christmas!*

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Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood (LRRH) was traipsing through the forest on her way to Grandma's house when she met a woodcutter who was surprised to find her alone in the forest.

"LRRH!" he exclaimed. "What are you thinking? The Bid Bad Wolf (TBBW) will find you out here and when he does, you know h...

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We everyone, I wish a of you ovey people a happy christmas, ive ife to the fu est, and make merry with a your fami ies.

crap sorry, noel.

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.

Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate y...

Robin Hood's Successor

It had been many years since Robin Hood began his quest of "stealing from the rich and giving to the poor". By now he was growing old and tired, and wanted to find someone who could carry on his legacy and lead a new band of Merry Men.

He searched through many villages for someone he could de...

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Steve goes to his doctor...

Steve goes to his doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician, "You take some pills, and your problems are history." ...

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Husband grabs her tits....

...and yells Merry Titmas honey! Wife whacks his balls....and yells Jingle Balls to you too!

What does a drug dealer says at the end of the year?

Merry cryst meth!

Robin Hood's last words

As Robin Hood lie dying, his loved ones and merry men, not so merry now, gathered round. With faltering, hesitant breathes, he calls for his bow and an arrow.

"This bow," he says, "has saved my life, kept me fed, brought peace to our land. I will fire it one last time and beg only that I be b...

Any Christmas Plans?

I'm going to a Lord of the Rings themed Christmas party, can't wait to eat, drink and be Merry.

There's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular

lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power too. The third kingdom is struggling and poor and barely has an a...

I came up with a joke on Tinder. It was wasted on her.

Frodo, Sam, Pippen and Merry went to Kay's Jewellers. Frodo said to the jeweler: "We are all getting married this weekend, and we shall need 4 wedding bands!". The jeweler responded, "I'm sorry, we are almost completely sold out. The best I can offer is one ring to woo them all."

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

All Pedro wanted was weeweechu

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's lo ok at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch...

A crocodile is walking to the Roman Colosseum, where a gladiator duel is scheduled to take place.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the ...

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I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...

Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my ass.

The twelve days of Jokemas, day twelve

What is Santa's favorite part of celebrating Christmas every year?

It's in the present

Merry Christmas everyone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Santa say to the three prostitutes standing on the corner.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

Why do people in the US get so happy when they drink coke?

Because it’s a merry can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman's birthday was in just a few days...

Her husband asked her if she could have anything she wanted on her birthday, no matter how impossible, what would it be?

The wife told him "It's kind of silly, but I'd really like to be six again."

That gave the husband a great idea for a big surprise. On the morning of her birthday, h...

What did Pippen do when he got drunk?

He began to feel Merry

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring...

Because the carbon monoxide detector failed.

Merry Christmas Reddit!

I'm a bit of a Scrooge

But last night I had a visit from three spirits. The were called Jack, Jim and Henry... Made for done wonderful Christmas cheer...

Merry Christmas

A Gentleman happening to turn up against a House to make Water,

did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, ‘till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.

The Wi-Fi at my parents' house is really slow, so I hope this sends...

but I just wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas for tomorrow!

Unpopular opinion: Fetus Deletus is a tasteless joke

Unlike abortions, which are packed with flavour. Merry Christmas.

The three sons of an old woman return home after years seeking their fortune

The three sons of an old woman return home after years seeking their fortunes.

They make merry and have dinner together. And before leaving, they hand their mother gifts.

The eldest son gifts his mother the deed to a massive palatial chateau in the French Riviera.

The middle son...

Why is it a good thing to study oceanic trade routes?

Because you’ll have a maritime (merry time)!

Tattoo

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tat...

What nationality was the third wise man?

Myrrhican!

Merry Christmas!

Please notify if repost. (first)

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor, asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied wit...

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