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Messiah Jokes

"Our Lord has many names. The Almighty. The Messiah. The Alpha and the Omega. The Shepard. Howard."

What do you he doesn't go by "Howard"?! Do you not know "The Lord's Prayer":



*Our Father who art in Heaven*

*Howard be thy name*

What position does the Messiah play in Hockey?

Goalie...Jesus saves man))))))

When I was a kid I thought I was the Messiah.

Every time my dad said anything to me it always started with "JESUS CHRIST!"

Bernie Sanders isn't a Messiah.

He's just a Jewish guy sacrificing himself to save millions from their own sin and ignorance while being insulted the entire time. Clearly no basis for a religion.

How many men does it take to father a Messiah?

Everyone in the village but the carpenter.

Peter and the Messiah were out for walk...

when Peter asks, “Master, why do you and your disciples not have nice things? You are the son of God. A king. Why don’t you buy something like a new boat, or a palace?” The Master stops, puts his hand on Peter’s shoulder and says, “Jesus saves.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Jesus get those sexy messiah abs?

He did crossfit.

What do you call the musical Messiah?

Gsus

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.


3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

Once upon a time in a distant land, the people looked up to the heavens and prayed to their gods to bless them with bountiful harvest and send them messiahs in human form

Europeans showed up instead....

The other day I snuck a peek at my shrink's notes and I saw she'd written "MESSIAH COMPLEX" in big capital letters. It caught me off guard.

I've known I'm the messiah all of my life but I've never been called complex before.

Jesus is crucified on Golgotha, a hill overlooking Jerusalem

On the first day, Jesus calls out to his friend and disciple Peter. "Peter, please, come to me," Jesus shouts.

However, Jesus is being guarded by soldiers who have been told not to let anyone speak to Jesus.

This doesn't deter Peter, who hears the cries of his Messiah and tries to bypa...

[Composer Joke] JS Bach died and went to heaven...

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp...

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

There's an apartment building in my neighborhood that's full of guys who think they're Jesus

It's a Messiah Complex

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nailed It

Jesus has been crucified and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them one wish before he ascends into heaven.



The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says "Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool".



...

A mourning man goes to see Jesus

He walks up to messiah, eyes red from crying.


"Oh Jesus, he snivels", "I need you help. My father died and I ... I need you ..."


"My child, I am here for you, and I knew your father, he was a good man and is certainly in heaven now."


"Comforting as that is, Jesus, I ...

Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem.

They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myr...

...How did you do it?

There was once a train operator who had been driving trains for well over 20 years. Over the course of his career, he had experienced a number of close calls in the accident department. At long last, sadly, he hit a schoolbus full of children on its way out of the elementary school parking lot, kill...

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