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Easter

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any ...

Ok guys. No jokes about Jesus on Easter...

**He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.**

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A dirty Easter Joke,,,

A rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, ta...

My favorite Easter Joke

St Peter meets three new potential Heaven Members and says, “Ok, tonight we’re going to have a quiz. Just a simple question: What is Easter?”

The first guy says, “oh, that’s easy. It’s when the family gets together and have turkey and mashed potatoes and…”

“No, no. That’s Thanksgiving!...

Easter - Shout out to Judas for the long weekend!

I hadn’t heard this before - a punchline 2000 years in the making…

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I feel like such a failure. This weekend I promised my boys an Easter egg hunt

But the prostitute made me wear a condom.

What do you call it when a catholic Easter service gets way too loud?

Density— It’s mass over volume!!

How do you make easter easier?

You uncross the t and dot it instead.

Why did the Easter kangaroo turn on the light?

Because it was so dark. (Original joke by my 3 year old. I'm dying)

One time I saw my baby brother SCREAMING at his Easter candy.

I was like what’s going on? And he says,

“I’m giving shout-outs to my Peeps!”

Several churches were having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the deacons met an...

So these three people die and are at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says to them "before to can enter the kingdom of heaven, you must answer a question. Why do we celebrate easter?"

First one thinks and says "easter is for the kids to get candy. They dress up in costumes and go door to door getting treats right?"

"No, I'm sorry." St. Pet...

My 9 year old son asked "Daddy... why is mummy called Teresa?"

Me: "Oh, well that's easy! You see, your mummy really really, REALLY loves Easter... Teresa is an anagram of Easter, see?"

Using a pen and paper I showed him once more - Easter....Teresa.

Him: "Wow dad that's SO cool! Thanks dad!!"

Me: "Hey, no problem Alan"

Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the city one day

On the way home, he rang his son to make sure he had all the groceries they needed at home. He told him all they needed was some coffee, so Arnold went in to his local store to get some.

On the way to the checkout tills, he passed all the Easter eggs the store had, and it brought back memorie...

What is more East than East?

Easter

Arnold's favorite holiday

They asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favorite holiday was - to which he replied: "I still love Easter baby!"

Public Service Announcement

If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs.

What do you call someone who isn't sure if the Easter Bunny is real?

An Eggnostic.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense like the Santa, Tooth fairy and Easter Bunny

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Know why Mrs. Bunny likes Mr. Bunny?

Because he always Easter out.

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

Why does Jesus hate M&M’s?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.




Happy Easter, everyone.

Easter falls on a different day every year.

I think we ought to finally nail it down.

I wasn't going to visit my family this Easter, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he'd sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

"Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were t...

Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?

They hid their own eggs.

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

What does the Easter Bunny listen to while hiding eggs?

Hip hop.

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t get any eggs for Easter.

His wife asked, **”Does this mean you hate Easter now?”**

Arnold replies, in his signature accent, **”No, I still love Easter, baby.”**

The kids at the Easter egg hunt were wondering why I was pouring concrete into the eggs.

Then it hit them.

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

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Why does the Easter Bunny hide its eggs?

It doesn't want anyone to know it's fucking a chicken.

My seven year old figured out Easter this year

He said “The Easter Bunny isn’t real dad. It’s really a man dressed as a bunny that hides eggs in your house”

The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a White Rabbit." The Easter Bunny says,

"I don't care, just give me something hoppy."

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

Why did kids get more easter egg chocolates than usual this year?

It was due to the rabbit eggonomic growth.

It's Easter Sunday!

Just saying that if he came back on a Monday we could have had a long weekend.

What do you guys think of my idea to abstain from working with spreadsheets for 40 days before Easter?

Because personally, I think it's Excel Lent.

What do they celebrate instead of Easter in California?

Wester.

What's the Easter Bunny's favorite beer?

A double IPA because of it's high alcohol content he can get drunk quick, after dealing with those kids all day.
Oh... the the fact that it's extra hoppy is just a bonus!

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How does a casual-catholic scientist collectively refer to Christmas and Easter church services?

Critical Mass.

{Ba-Dum-Tss}

My parents named me and my sister after anagrams of things they love most...

So my sister is Teresa because they love Easter, still not worked out why I'm called Alan.

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Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

Why do we color Easter eggs?

Because Jesus dyed for your sins.

Happy Easter!

Do to covid-19 the format of this year's Easter egg hunt has changed.

Instead of trying to find eggs in a garden, everyone will be trying to find eggs in a grocery store.

Why is Sunday afraid of Easter?

Because Easter falls on Sunday!

Courtesy of my eight year old daughter! Is this a joke anyone’s heard? She says she invented it but man... that’s very clever. I’m a proud papa.

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

What’s a catholic priests favorite Easter treat...

Lil’ Peeps

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Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday?

It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass.

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for Easter.

When he returns to California his friend says to him, “Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”

To which Arnie replies: “Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite g...

This is the story of Easter

While travelling throughout Jerusalem, President Trump suddenly gets a heart attack and subsequently dies. De undertaker tells the american diplomats and bodyguards that accompanied him this: "You could have him sent home for $50000 or you could bury him here in the holy land, after currency exchang...

What are we doing for Easter?

Wife: What are our plans for Easter?

Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.

Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.

Husband: What do you mean?

Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.

Where do Easter farts come from?

The Easter Bummy

There are three advantages alzheimer's...

1. You can hide your own easter eggs.

2. You get to meet new people everyday.

3. You can hide your own easter eggs.

Happy Easter 2020

Jesus called and said he isn't leaving the tomb until COVID 19 has passed.

What did the Easter Egg say to the Boiling Water?

It’s gonna take me awhile to get hard. I just got laid by some chick.

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

Miss Annie was teaching Sunday school to a group of first graders.

She explained that Easter would come soon, and asked if anyone knew which holiday Easter was.

Little Suzie asked, “Is that the holiday where we get a tree, and everyone gets presents?”

Miss Annie said, “No that is Christmas.”

Little Billy asked, “Is that the holiday where we hav...

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Easter Sunday; Jesus comes back to Earth...

*Coughs through a hole in his hand*

Jesus: “Holy shit...My bad....”

An already drunk man walks into a bar,

shouting "happy new year, everybody."
The bartender answers "its easter already, you moron."
The man becomes pale and mumbles "oh no, i am gonna be in real trouble with my wife, when i get home..."

How do you make Easter easier in just one simple step?

Replace the T with an I.

I accidentally drank the water we used to color eggs for Easter.

I think I dyed a little inside.

Late Lent/Easter Joke

Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forb...

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight

Happy Easter!

I think if women really got to know me they’d find my personality a lot like a chocolate Easter bunny.

On the outside sweet but Hollow and disappointing on the inside.

Today, I summarized the story of Easter for my 15 y/o son:

"... and then Jesus respawned."

Not sure where I’ll go for Easter this year. Somewhere different...

maybe the laundry.

What is the difference between a dead body and an Easter egg?

One is buried in a casket while the other is carried in a basket


P.s Got it from BoJack Horseman

Why is Easter the most popular Klingon Holiday?

Because it is a good day to dye.

Why do Spanish people eat rice on Easter?

Cause Jesus Arroz from the dead.

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

Easter Joke

So three brothers die together, on Easter Sunday. All three then arrive at the pearly gates and meet Saint Peter.

"Well, none of you have been that good. But none of you have been that bad either," Saint Peter says, looking over the story and deeds of their lives. "I'll tell you what. Seeing...

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

Pope Francis has cancelled the Easter events this year due to COVID-19.

I guess he’s just gonna Passover it this year.

How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?

Tell her a joke at Christmas

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Need your eggs fertilized this Easter?

I've got a cock for that. Just needs grains 2x a day.

I saw Batman leaving Church early on Easter

It was the first time I had seen a Christian Bale

Since it’s Easter, what do you call a group of rabbits hopping backward in sync?

A receding hareline.

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A man goes to church on Easter Sunday and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife asks him how he got the black eyes.

Man: Old Ms. Johnson was sitting in front of me during mass, when she stood up I noticed her dress was stuck in butt crack, so I reached out and gently tugged it out. She spun around, was really mad and punched me in the eye.

Wife: that exp...

Easter is canceled

They found the body

I gave my friend some cash yesterday, he says he'll return it at Easter...

I'm a bit out of pocket, but I'm glad I Lent him the money.

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Religion is like a dick

I don’t mind if you have one, but I don’t want you shoving it down my throat. Unless it’s Easter.

wait..

Where does Quentin Tarantino hide his Easter eggs?

In his movies



Alt. Punchline, Inglorious Baskets. Hoppy Easter yall!

Why does Trump want to open up in time for Easter?

He’s giving up his grandma for lent.

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

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So the Saturday before Easter is on 4/20 this year...

I guess it’s a High Holy Saturday.

Easter Joke

A Buddhist, Hindu, and atheist die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them and says, "Well I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you backed the wrong horse. Christianity is the true faith, but the good news is you can still get into heaven if you can correctly answer a question."

He...

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A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

Happy Greek Easter! Which Greek God loved to collect animals?

Zoos

What beer do you drink on Easter Sunday?

Rolling Rock

“Hey dad, why is my sisters name Teresa?”

“Your mother named her after her love for Easter, and when you rearrange the letters you get Easter.”

“Alright, thanks dad..”

“No problem Alan!”

What is Easter?

As told to me by a priest when I was little:

Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?"

The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney an...

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?

The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

(I feel like I should put a note here: this is not to mock religion... It's just a joke. If this offends you please get a sense of humor.)

So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...

Easter this year is April Fools Day

Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

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Some big shots get together for a gentleman's night during Easter holidays.

Three CEO's of some big companies get together to smoke cigars and drink expensive whiskey.

They gathered at a chalet and brought a waiter with them to serve the drinks.

"Finally some alone time" says the first CEO. Sent my wife to an all inclusive spa in Austin. It cost me $10k but it...

Why do we use buckets at Halloween and baskets for Easter?

Because baskets are more holey

What is Easter?

Three men all die in an accident and met Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates.

"Welcome to heaven gentlemen. I would love to let you in but before I can do that I need to prove that you're devout Christians. If you can tell me what Easter is I can let you through."

The first man st...

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

An Easter Joke (a bit late)

So after Christ rose from the dead he was on a stroll with some of his disciples. One of them said, "Say Jesus, do you mind showing us how you walked on water?"

Jesus said, "Well, these were miracles, not exactly parlor tricks. But you know what, I don't mind."

^^^^Another ^^^^discipl...

My aunt: what is Easter gonna be like next year

Me: How should I know I don’t have 2020 vision

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