Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

Easter

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any ...

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

What's the best thing about having dementia at Easter?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who does the easter hide eggs?

Why does the Easter *bunny* hide eggs?

He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens.

Do to covid-19 the format of this year's Easter egg hunt has changed.

Instead of trying to find eggs in a garden, everyone will be trying to find eggs in a grocery store.

Me: Why is my sister’s name Teresa?

Dad: because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram for Easter.

Me: Thanks, dad.

Dad: no problem, Alan.

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for Easter.

When he returns to California his friend says to him, “Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”

To which Arnie replies: “Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite g...

Easter Joke

So three brothers die together, on Easter Sunday. All three then arrive at the pearly gates and meet Saint Peter.

"Well, none of you have been that good. But none of you have been that bad either," Saint Peter says, looking over the story and deeds of their lives. "I'll tell you what. Seeing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the Earth’s gravity increases a bit on Easter Sunday?

It’s cuz there’s a lot more mass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Easter Sunday; Jesus comes back to Earth...

*Coughs through a hole in his hand*

Jesus: “Holy shit...My bad....”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] [Easter] How do you say “Robert and Richard had intercourse with the rabbit” without any Rs?

Bob and Dick fucked the bunny

My favorite Easter joke

Three blondes die in a car crash and find themselves at the Pearly Gates talking to St. Peter. "Before I let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. What is Easter?"
"Oh" says the first blonde. "That's that time in the fall when you go door to door collecting candy." "No" says Peter...

This is the story of Easter

While travelling throughout Jerusalem, President Trump suddenly gets a heart attack and subsequently dies. De undertaker tells the american diplomats and bodyguards that accompanied him this: "You could have him sent home for $50000 or you could bury him here in the holy land, after currency exchang...

Today, I summarized the story of Easter for my 15 y/o son:

"... and then Jesus respawned."

Where do Easter farts come from?

The Easter Bummy

There’s two types of people who don’t like Easter. Type 1 People on diets and

Type 2 Diabetics. \~ *Gary Delaney*

Happy Easter 2020

Jesus called and said he isn't leaving the tomb until COVID 19 has passed.

Not sure where I’ll go for Easter this year. Somewhere different...

maybe the laundry.

What did the Easter Egg say to the Boiling Water?

It’s gonna take me awhile to get hard. I just got laid by some chick.

Great Easter joke I heard today

**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"

**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."

**Wife**: "What do you mean?"

**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."

**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."

**Husband**: "What do you m...

Why is Sunday afraid of Easter?

Because Easter falls on Sunday!

Courtesy of my eight year old daughter! Is this a joke anyone’s heard? She says she invented it but man... that’s very clever. I’m a proud papa.

Hey Jesus, what you're gonna do this Easter?

Dunno. Probably just hanging 'round.

I think if women really got to know me they’d find my personality a lot like a chocolate Easter bunny.

On the outside sweet but Hollow and disappointing on the inside.

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight

Happy Easter!

Why do we color Easter eggs?

Because Jesus dyed for our sins.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

What do you guys think of my idea to abstain from working with spreadsheets for 40 days before Easter?

Because personally, I think it's Excel Lent.

What is the difference between a dead body and an Easter egg?

One is buried in a casket while the other is carried in a basket


P.s Got it from BoJack Horseman

Why is Easter the most popular Klingon Holiday?

Because it is a good day to dye.

Why do Spanish people eat rice on Easter?

Cause Jesus Arroz from the dead.

Pope Francis has cancelled the Easter events this year due to COVID-19.

I guess he’s just gonna Passover it this year.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

Why does Trump want to open up in time for Easter?

He’s giving up his grandma for lent.

So to celebrate Easter today,

I asked my parents to take us to Chick-Fil-A, since we hadn't eaten there in a long time.



Boy, were they in for a surprise.

I accidentally drank the water we used to color eggs for Easter.

I think I dyed a little inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Need your eggs fertilized this Easter?

I've got a cock for that. Just needs grains 2x a day.

Don’t tell me about the Birds and the Bees

A father asked his ten year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.” The dad was perplexed. “Why don’t you want to know?”

“When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny speech.’ When I wa...

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said

"Have to love Easter, baby...."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

[Easter Joke] Q: What kind of exercise did Jesus do to get such good abs?

A: Crossfit

How do you make Easter easier in just one simple step?

Replace the T with an I.

Technically Trump was right about when Covid-19 would go away.

Odds are we'll be opening back up by Easter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the Saturday before Easter is on 4/20 this year...

I guess it’s a High Holy Saturday.

No jokes about Jesus on Easter weekend.

He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.

Easter is one of the few non-drinking holidays.

Unless you have the right attitude and a can-do spirit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

Easter Joke

A Buddhist, Hindu, and atheist die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them and says, "Well I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you backed the wrong horse. Christianity is the true faith, but the good news is you can still get into heaven if you can correctly answer a question."

He...

Since it’s Easter, what do you call a group of rabbits hopping backward in sync?

A receding hareline.

I gave my friend some cash yesterday, he says he'll return it at Easter...

I'm a bit out of pocket, but I'm glad I Lent him the money.

So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...

“Do you know what Easter is about?”

a man asks to a group of friends.

“Of course!” says the first friend, “It’s the one where the guy in the red suit goes down the chimney and-“

“No, not at all.”

A second friend chimes in, “Oh, I know this! It’s where you write cards to the ones you love and give chocolate hearts ...

Arnold Schwarzenegger joined an Easter egg hunt but didn't find any eggs. His secretary asks "Does this mean you hate Easter now?"

He shakes his head and responds:
"I still love Easter baby."

My aunt: what is Easter gonna be like next year

Me: How should I know I don’t have 2020 vision

Late Lent/Easter Joke

Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forb...

Blondes know Easter

Three blondes die and go to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven."

He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

She answers, "That's the time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."

St. Peter say...

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?

The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

(I feel like I should put a note here: this is not to mock religion... It's just a joke. If this offends you please get a sense of humor.)

What is Easter?

Three men all die in an accident and met Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates.

"Welcome to heaven gentlemen. I would love to let you in but before I can do that I need to prove that you're devout Christians. If you can tell me what Easter is I can let you through."

The first man st...

Why do we use buckets at Halloween and baskets for Easter?

Because baskets are more holey

I floss religiously.

Every Easter and Christmas.

Did you hear Easter was canceled

Yah apparently they found the body

I'm going to Rio de Janeiro over Easter to see if I can find Jesus.

Heard he's really big over there!

Happy Easter Weekend ...

It is the day of Christ's crucifixion, and Jesus is being nailed in as his followers gather at the base of Golgotha to weep and mourn.

As they pray, they hear Jesus call out in a soft voice: "Peter ... Peter ..."

"Our Lord calls to you, Peter!" Thomas says.

Emboldened, Peter t...

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

My brother isn’t celebrating Easter with us this year...

He’s Egg-Nostic

Easter mass

Easter was was very traditional this year the priests and bishops came, the altar boys didn’t say anything, and when the service was over the priests went to a different church.

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

What is Easter?

As told to me by a priest when I was little:

Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?"

The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney an...

Easter is on April 1st this year.

Where we remember the original April fools joke performed by Jesus himself.

I saw Batman leaving Church early on Easter

It was the first time I had seen a Christian Bale

How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?

Tell her a joke at Christmas

If Jesus was born on Christmas and was resurrected on Easter, what happened on Black Friday?

Sales at K-Mart

Easter this year is April Fools Day

Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

What beer do you drink on Easter Sunday?

Rolling Rock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some big shots get together for a gentleman's night during Easter holidays.

Three CEO's of some big companies get together to smoke cigars and drink expensive whiskey.

They gathered at a chalet and brought a waiter with them to serve the drinks.

"Finally some alone time" says the first CEO. Sent my wife to an all inclusive spa in Austin. It cost me $10k but it...

Easter Joke

Do you think Jesus hates nail salons?

I'm religious about brushing my teeth.

I do it twice a year on Christmas and Easter.

The last time Easter fell on April Fool’s Day...

...Jesus tricked everybody by making them think he was dead for two days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys die and go to Heaven...

St. Peter is working the gate and tells the men, "All your paperwork appears to be in order. But before I allow you into heaven I need you to answer one final essay question. In 50 words or less, can you tell me the true meaning of Easter?"

The first man scratches his head, "Well, you cut dow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to church on Easter Sunday and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife asks him how he got the black eyes.

Man: Old Ms. Johnson was sitting in front of me during mass, when she stood up I noticed her dress was stuck in butt crack, so I reached out and gently tugged it out. She spun around, was really mad and punched me in the eye.

Wife: that exp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chickens react to Easter Eggs

Some farmer's kids are painting eggs for Easter. One looks up and says, "Hey, how do you think the chickens would act around these?"

"I don't know," says the other. "Let's find out!"

They go into the chicken coop, steal the fresh eggs and replace them with the colorful eggs. The kids s...

In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke.

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jes...

Oh my good and fellow Christians! It has been foretold our Lord and savior will once again rise from the dead and bless us all this Easter!

April Fools!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirty Easter Joke

This rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, he thinks about it for a ...

A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning cloths and goes shopping for the week

She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?"

The butcher just shakes his head. "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb...

My grandmother was a somnambulist who had recurring dreams of coloring Easter eggs

Conveniently, she dyed in her sleep last week.

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday by sneaking into the chicken coop and replacing every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats the shit out of the peacock.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.

In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”

How do things come out of the Easter Bunny?

With rear eggularity.

Happy Greek Easter! Which Greek God loved to collect animals?

Zoos

Why does the Easter Bunny drink IPAs?

He loves the hops.

How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?

He uses Hare Spray...

(Ill see myself out)

An Easter Joke (a bit late)

So after Christ rose from the dead he was on a stroll with some of his disciples. One of them said, "Say Jesus, do you mind showing us how you walked on water?"

Jesus said, "Well, these were miracles, not exactly parlor tricks. But you know what, I don't mind."

^^^^Another ^^^^discipl...

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