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Peeing at a festival

Last weekend I was at a festival, where the toilets were always crowded. So, like most men, I went to the bushes to pee. Here I saw that the man next to me was peeing through two jets. I got curious so I asked how he did it.

“I fought in Iraq”, he said, “and got hit by a shard of a bullet. Si...

During the 3 days of the Woodstock festival, over 400,000 people attended

The town of Bethel had prepared beforehand and many vendors gathered there to sell food, water, and other necessities.

It's estimated that 2.7 million gallons of water was sold over the weekend,

along with 750,000 cans of beer,

100,000 hot dogs,

15,000 pounds of granola,<...

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A fortune teller once told Hitler he would die on a Jewish festival.

"How do you know" asked Hitler.

The fortune teller replied "Any day you die will be a Jewish festival."

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The Top 10 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes

Here are the Top 10 2017 Edinburgh Fringe Festival Jokes!

1. “I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” Ken Cheng


2. “Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle


3. “I’ve given up asking rhetorical q...

Jeez, that Comedy Festival at the beer factory really got out of control...

What a Brew Haha

Went to an indie film festival on the weekend and learned....

....a lot about Mario Andretti.

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"...

I got arrested for fishing without a license at a dubstep festival.

The arresting officer yelled "drop the bass!"

Breaking News - Devon and Cornwall Music Festival

The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival due to take place this weekend has had to be cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender g...

The counties of Devon and Cornwall organised a huge music festival with the reunions of both The Jam and Cream.

The festival was called off due to the two counties not being able to agree which should go on first.

So the other day I went to a Pride Festival...

I asked where the Greed, Gluttony, Lust, Sloth, Envy, and Wrath Festivals were and they had no clue.

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It was the first session of a packed literary festival.

As was his wont, one particular writer hogged the mic and was refusing to let go.

A seasoned festival-attendee, who had borne the torture of said writer nobly over several festivals, had come prepared this time: with a dozen rotten eggs.

When the writer took a deep breath to launch int...

What do you call a pro-choice music festival?

Bangers for Hangers

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

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An Irishman and an American are talking at a music festival.

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is overpriced and tastes like piss.

American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.

*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un ca...

Did you hear about the Tiny Turbine Festival?

Probably not, it opened with Little Fan Fair

Who says Fyre Festival was a failure?

Instead of entertaining thousands of people it entertained millions.

Why couldn't lil Sebastian make a speech at the harvest festival?

He was a little horse.

Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival?

...They're calling for a Lil Wayne

you know why i didnt go to the bratwurst festival this year?

it was a sausage fest

What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?

An LGBT queue

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg so I said to him, "I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is."

He said, "Have to love Easter, baby."

I went to a beer festival. In order to prevent myself from getting too drunk, I decided to follow the Chicago Bears' offensive game plan.

Three and out.

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I just came home from a film festival where we spent 90 minutes watching a cockroach crawl around the screen...

I couldn't figure out if it was a bug or a feature.

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How many kinds of people?

(Inspired by the joke "there are 2 kinds of people, those who say there are 2 kinds of people and everyone else)

An interfaith conference is held on diversity. An attendee from each religion addresses their view on the kinds of people in the world.

An atheist rushes the podium and says...

I went to a German food festival and almost died from food poisoning

It was the wurst.

I recently attended a really wild Pagan Religions Festival

People got really into it! They were worshiping anyone that wasn't nailed down

I was telling my friend about an upcoming vietnamese Pho festival. He asked what kind of festival? I said, did I stutter!?

I know it's awful. Downvote accordingly.

I absolutely hate screening films for the Grasshopper Film Festival

Everybody's a cricket.

This joke won the funniest joke award at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

The Islamic State is hosting a music festival in Iraq.

The first annual Allahpalooza is sure to go off with a bang.

Did y'all hear about the accident during the Kowloon Percussion Festival?

There was a tamtam ensemble that was playing a piece, and one of the instruments fell off its stand and rolled into the crowd, injuring a few people.

Headlines were "Hong Kong Gong Song Gone Wrong"

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What do you call having sex on festival of colour?

Holi Fuck.

What did one witch say to the other at the harvest festival?

That's macabre

I recently went to a music festival and urinated in these futuristic "pod" toilets a couple of times.

I had like two pees in a pod.

True story: I'm at a music festival with my wife and she is looking good.

I convince her to go to the port-a-potties. I ask here how high do you think the floor is off the ground. She says "I don't know, 3 inches?". I seductively ask her if she would like to accompany me in to the port-a-pottie and Join the 3 inch club. She looks at me sarcastically and says......"Oh, I'...

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Have you ever had sex at a music festival?

It's fucking in tents.

Four freshman partied too hard during a music festival and unable to make it back for their final exam the next day

As they drove back to the college, they tried to think of a good excuse. Finally, they agreed to the same story: a tire was blown in the middle of nowhere at mid night so they were stuck. They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the excuse. The understanding professor...

A man asked for directions to the guillotine festival...

It's just ahead.

What do you do at a festival when the bass is too much?

Drop some acid, it'll neutralize the effect

What town should a "mountain oyster" festival be held in?

Oxnard, CA

How many people at a Music Festival does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Zero, its already lit

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I was surprised to meet a very mean Jamaican...

At the Jerk Festival.

The Lone Ranger is out checking out the countryside on Silver one day when he gets ambushed by an Indian war party...

He wakes up to find himself tied up in a tepee.

He looks around and sees the Indian chief and a bunch of others.

The chief says to him, "Lone Ranger! At last I have you! I am going to sacrifice you to the gods in three days at our festival. I am, however, a fair man, and I will grant...

Why did the cops arrest the guy selling water at a music festival?

They said he was in tent to supply.

At the pearly gates, a line of people wait to get into heaven. St Peter asks “what did you do for a living?”

The first man says “I was a doctor. I made sure people were healthy and saved lives a few times.”

St Peter says “great, come on in” and waves him through the gates.

The second man says “I was a bartender. It may not sound glamorous, but I listened to people talk about their problems a...

The death count nears 50 after scaffolding collapses and crushes fans at a rock music festival...

Eye-witnesses say there was a lot of heavy metal.

What's the difference between wit and a joke?

A young filmmaker excited to be part of his first film festival is attending a talk between a director and a writer. At the end of the talk he gets up and shouts out, "If I could ask a question, what's the difference between wit and a joke?"

The writer looks at him for a second, picks up his...

Sausage festivals...

They're the wurst kind.

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Why do hippies have sex at music festivals?

Because it is intents

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Well, it's a well story.

When I was in my 5th grade, my English teacher told this story.
Once there lived a landlord in a village.He was rich. He had a daughter which meant the world to him. One day while he was on his way to work, he heard the news that his daughter fell inside a well, while she was playing. He immediat...

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the dr...

One day Temel was driving his truck down the road when he realized that his brakes were not working.

Just when he was trying to think of what to do, he came to a fork in the road. On one side, there was an enormous festival, with thousands of people, and on the other side, there was one kid playing with a ball. After thinking long and hard, Temel decided that killing one kid was preferable to killi...

A joke my mom told me today

One day Donald Trumps assistant told him, he had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade in Washington, where he (Trump) was celebrated. Millions lined the parade route and cheered when the president came by. Bands played, children threw confetti in the air, there were balloons everyw...

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

Just water for me, please

An American, an Irishman and a Dutchman are spending the day at a beer festival I Germany. After a long day, they end up at a local pub near their hotel. The bartender asks the American what he will have. – I'll have a Budweiser, he answered, the best beer in the world. Next to be asked was the Dutc...

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

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A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it correct that Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev won a luxury car at the All-Union Championship in Moscow?

Radio Yerevan answered:In principle, yes. But first of all it was not Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev, but Vassili Vassilievich Vassiliev; second, it was not at the All-Union Championship in Moscow, but at a Collective Farm Sports Festival in Smolensk; third, it was not a car, but a bicycle; and four...

They tried to warn us, it's finally happening, minorities herding white people into camps.

Here in Oregon we call them "music festivals"

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What does a true Scot keep under his kilt?

A Scotsman is at a festival, and he comes dressed in his best kilt (worn properly, of course). As the festival proceeds, the Scot starts to get very drunk, and so he sits under a tree with his beer mug and falls asleep. A couple of "pretty lasses" walk by and see the Scot passed out under the tree.<...

A guy goes to heaven ...

and he meets God. God says "You were a good person, come with me" God takes him to what looks like a festival. As they get closer, he hears gunshots. He turns and aske God what this is. He replies "Well, since you were a good person, and did not sin once in your life, you get to commit one sin, f...

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So I was at a festival with a load of stalls. I was busy deciding what to spend my only £1 on when I spotted something which really caught my eye 'Get punched by Chuck Norris for just 95p'. I'd struck gold! So, I headed over to this stall expecting a large queue. However, the only person there was C...

In the 70's my friend was a high class call girl

Her 'pimp' was movie star Michael Caine, he got her the highest profile jobs in the industry and she got to 'work' with a lot of famous people.

This particular time she was at the Isle of Wight music festival and had to go and 'service' some musicians, well she gets back stage and there they...

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