UPJOKE
godjeremiahisaiahchristianityislamzechariahmuhammadchristmalachimosesjesusdivinationsamuelprophecyezekiel

Prophet Jokes

A prophet in france

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me."...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're...

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

What do you call the prophet with a cocaine addiction?

Nostril-Damus

Who was the most high-tech prophet? Moses.

He used a tablet.

What did the prophet Mohamed say when his wife asked for a divorce?

"Those are pretty big words for a 6 year old!"

Some bugs are worshipping a false prophet

Imma scare the bee jesus out of them

I started a company...

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be?

A Non-Prophet organization.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.

The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”

Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”

The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class.”.

A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..."

"...We're a non-prophet organization."

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

Prophetic Dreams

As a boy i had dreams that told the future.

One night when i was young, a crow came to me in a dream.

"Your aunt is going to die!" It cawed.
I woke up immediately and ran to tell my parents.
They told me
"Go back to bed its only a dream."

Then that morning they got a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..

Did *not* see that coming.

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a prophet who lived in the hills nearby...

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiousity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, wit...

In the past people listened to prophets

Now they listen to profits

Where did the annoying prophet go on vacation?

Budapest!

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.


I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

What's the difference between A prophet and Profits?

One works for the Church, and one is why the Church works.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

Hippocrates and the Prophet

Tiresias, blind prophet of Apollo, once went to Hippocrates with a serious case of depression. In no time, Hippocrates had figured it out -- "Aha!" said he; "an imbalance of black bile!" He bled the excess melancholia into an urn and handed it to the prophet. Tiresias did not see the humour.

An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefiel...

The Church of Satan

... Is a non-prophet organisation.

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

I started a business creating religious statues..

I have yet to make a prophet

Step 1 - fool people into believing you've been chosen by God to spread his word

Step 2 - prophet

What is atheism?

A non - prophet organization

What do you call a religious organization that doesn’t make any money?

A non-prophet!

A prophet as a child (an oldly but a goody)

A child was a prophet, granted the ability to see the future

One night he went to sleep, and he had a dream where a raven came down to him and told him "tomorrow, your aunt will die"

The next day, the boy told his parents about the dream

They called his aunt to earn her, but a ...

What happened after God legalized weed?

Prophets were at an all-time high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

How to start a cult

1. Claim you have talked to God
2. ???
3. >!Prophet!<

Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?

They’re a non-prophet organization

What was Moses's plan?

1. talk to burning bush
2. part Red Sea
3. climb Mount Sinai
4. ?????????
5. PROPHET!!!!

I've started a business crafting small figurines of Muhammad.

It's making little prophets.

If you switch the B and S in Osama bin Laden, it becomes Obama Sin-Laden . . .

Some might consider that prophetic, others slanderous.

But I say it's just flippin' BS.

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke that made my girlfriend laugh

Her: Aren’t you cold?

Me: Well as a wise prophet once said, ‘the cold never bothers me anyway’.

Her: Huh, Elsa isn’t a prophet?

Me: Yes she is, Disney made a butt tonne of money off of her!

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm going to set up my own religion!

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.

Its a non-prophet organisation.

So a New Yorker wishes to join the Taliban...

And they take him to their leader.

"Do you accept Allah as your God and Mohammad as your prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Will you jihad for the glory of God and his prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Do you believe that after you die, you will join your brethren in God's paradise where rivers of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

I asked my Arabic friend how he made all his money…

He said it was 3 simple steps:

Step 1: Be named Muhammed.
Step 2: Start a new religion.
Step 3: Prophet.

What do you call it when a group of atheists come together to help people?

A Non-prophet Charity

Did you know that Athiest organizations are tax exempted?

Its because they're non-prophet organizations.

Step 1: Travel back in time

Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

What is atheism?

A non-prophet religion

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

my 14 year old came back with this after his biology class

Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane?
A. osmoses

Christians go to church and have to pay tithings

But Atheism is a non prophet organization.

Why are corporations and mosques so similar?

They both only care about the prophet

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.

So there's this girl named Mary...

1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

A Muslim goes to Heaven and meets Saint Peter at the Gate.

He looks at Peter and says "This has to be a mistake. I demand to see prophet Mohamed right now!"
Saint Peter says "Calm down. Would you like a coffee or a cappuccino or something to drink?"
The Muslim says "No, thanks. But I don't think I'm supposed to be here."
Peter responds "Alrig...

The unpaid internship

A guy walks into a bar and notices a fortune-teller with a crystal ball sitting over in the corner. "What's up with that?" he asks the bartender. "Oh she's doing free readings here tonight, you know to get established," the bartender says. "So tonight she's a not-for-prophet."

Why didn't Jesus start a charity?

Cuz they're not for prophets.

What's a Ferengi's least favourite band?

The lost prophets

How does God make money off his followers?

By making a prophet.

The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

Did you know that you don't pay taxes on flatbreads if they have a picture of Mohammed on it?

That's because naan-prophets are tax-exempt.

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He ...

I found out my friend was running a charity for atheism.

He said it was a non-prophet organization.

Did you know that God is rich?

Yeah, back in Israel he made a prophet.

I got sent to jail because I thought I was Jesus.

It was a for-prophet prison.

Joseph Smith's Guide to wealth

Step 1: “translate” an “ancient text” “God” sent you to write.

Step 2: Convince everyone all other churches are fake and God only speaks to you!

Step 3: Prophet!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.