Who was the most high-tech prophet? Moses.

He used a tablet.

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

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I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

What is atheism?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're...

A prophet in france

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me."...

Step 1: Travel back in time

Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

Did you know that Athiest organizations are tax exempted?

Its because they're non-prophet organizations.

What's the difference between A prophet and Profits?

One works for the Church, and one is why the Church works.

A corrupt policeman asking for bribes

There was a corrupt policeman who always stopped people and asked them for bribes. One time he worked all day and didn't stop anyone. He realized as the sun was going down that he didn't have any money in his pocket so he said to himself, “I'm going to stop the next person I see.” Shortly thereafter...

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He ...

In the past people listened to prophets

Now they listen to profits

how to become a prophet

1-write things that don't make sense on a paper

2-bury it

3-prophet

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.


I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

What did the prophet Mohamed say when his wife asked for a divorce?

"Those are pretty big words for a 6 year old!"

I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..

Did *not* see that coming.

What is atheism?

A non - prophet organization

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

How to start a cult

1. Claim you have talked to God
2. ???
3. >!Prophet!<

I've started a business crafting small figurines of Muhammad.

It's making little prophets.

Prophetic Dreams

As a boy i had dreams that told the future.

One night when i was young, a crow came to me in a dream.

"Your aunt is going to die!" It cawed.
I woke up immediately and ran to tell my parents.
They told me
"Go back to bed its only a dream."

Then that morning they got a...

Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?

They’re a non-prophet organization

Joseph Smith's Guide to wealth

Step 1: “translate” an “ancient text” “God” sent you to write.

Step 2: Convince everyone all other churches are fake and God only speaks to you!

Step 3: Prophet!

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

Where did the annoying prophet go on vacation?

Budapest!

I started a business selling landmines as prayer mats.

The prophets are through the roof!

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

Most would say atheism isn't the best business model

Some would even say it's non-prophet!

"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..."

"...We're a non-prophet organization."

Hippocrates and the Prophet

Tiresias, blind prophet of Apollo, once went to Hippocrates with a serious case of depression. In no time, Hippocrates had figured it out -- "Aha!" said he; "an imbalance of black bile!" He bled the excess melancholia into an urn and handed it to the prophet. Tiresias did not see the humour.

A prophet as a child (an oldly but a goody)

A child was a prophet, granted the ability to see the future

One night he went to sleep, and he had a dream where a raven came down to him and told him "tomorrow, your aunt will die"

The next day, the boy told his parents about the dream

They called his aunt to earn her, but a ...

What do you call a cute prophet?

Adoracle

I just heard that atheists are trying to get tax exempt status.

They are a non-prophet organisation.

What's a Ferengi's least favourite band?

The lost prophets

How do you start a religion?

Step 1: Get knocked up.

Step 2: Call it an "immaculate conception".

Step 3: Prophet.

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President visits an asylum convinced there must be some sane people committed at the asylum.

He comes upon a well-dressed man in his forties sitting under a tree and praying. Thinking the man looks normal the President asks the man what was going on and the man says, “Please don’t disturb me. I am the last messenger and prophet.”

The President realizes the man must be bat shit crazy ...

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A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks the fortune teller what his future would look like if he became an artist.

To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large bong, takes a hit, then looks into his crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."

So the businessman asks him about his second choice,...

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One day a man gets on a bus and sees the most beautiful Muslim woman sitting in one of the seats.

Even with her headscarf he can tell she’s gorgeous. The seat next to her is open so he sits beside her. He decides he has to have her, but can’t think of what to say to her so he asks, “do you want to have sex?”

The woman slaps him and gets off the bus. A few stops later the man goes to get ...

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in pub...

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A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

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A joke that made my girlfriend laugh

Her: Aren’t you cold?

Me: Well as a wise prophet once said, ‘the cold never bothers me anyway’.

Her: Huh, Elsa isn’t a prophet?

Me: Yes she is, Disney made a butt tonne of money off of her!

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

A devout Muslim decides to go skydiving

He jumps off the plane and when it's time to open his parachute he pulls the cord and nothing happens. As he is hurtling towards the ground, he starts praying to Allah and the prophet Muhammad for mercy. Miraculously, a giant gust of wind picks him up and and begins to slow his fall. Surprised by t...

Did you know that you don't pay taxes on flatbreads if they have a picture of Mohammed on it?

That's because naan-prophets are tax-exempt.

Why shouldn’t atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

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What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

If you switch the B and S in Osama bin Laden, it becomes Obama Sin-Laden . . .

Some might consider that prophetic, others slanderous.

But I say it's just flippin' BS.

An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefiel...

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

How does God make money off his followers?

By making a prophet.

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

Star Trek: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Captain Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken had gone before!"
Spock: "At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do."
McCoy: "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a barnyard psychologist!"
Scotty: "Because it couldna change the laws o' physics!"
Computer: "Insufficient data."

D...

Jesus would make an excellent businessman.

He was turning up prophets before he was even born.

I got sent to jail because I thought I was Jesus.

It was a for-prophet prison.

Less and less people are buying into religion.

Prophets are down.

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

Why was Mohammed's mom so rich?

Because she made a prophet.

Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

How to use religion to your advantage

1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet

I found out my friend was running a charity for atheism.

He said it was a non-prophet organization.

Why are corporations and mosques so similar?

They both only care about the prophet

What do you call it when a group of atheists come together to help people?

A Non-prophet Charity

One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die.

When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death.

A mo...

Why was God so rich?

Because he had so many prophets

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.

Did you know that God is rich?

Yeah, back in Israel he made a prophet.

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A very pious Jew is praying to God.

A very pious Jew is praying to God. He says “Oh God, I’ve read all of your words, studied the speeches of your prophets, but one thing has eluded me. If you could just tell me your name I would die a happy man.”

The man is startled to see God himself descend from the heavens, and listens as G...

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