A prophet in france

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me."...

A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

Who was the most high-tech prophet? Moses.

He used a tablet.

Please donate to atheism.org

Don’t worry, it’s a non-prophet organisation.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're...

I used to own a business, where I sold landmines disguised as prayer mats..

The prophets are going through the roof

In the past people listened to prophets

Now they listen to profits

Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?

They’re a non-prophet organization

how to become a prophet

1-write things that don't make sense on a paper

2-bury it

3-prophet

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A joke that made my girlfriend laugh

Her: Aren’t you cold?

Me: Well as a wise prophet once said, ‘the cold never bothers me anyway’.

Her: Huh, Elsa isn’t a prophet?

Me: Yes she is, Disney made a butt tonne of money off of her!

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

I noticed lately you guys like translated jokes, here's an arabic one

A muslim extremist went in a taxi and on his way to his destination he noticed the radio was on so he asked the taxi driver..

M: Did they have radio in Prophet Mohammad's time?

T: No.

M: So why do you have the radio on?

T: *turns off the radio*

Then the extremist a...

Most would say atheism isn't the best business model

Some would even say it's non-prophet

What is atheism?

A non-prophet organisation.

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A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks the fortune teller what his future would look like if he became an artist.

To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large bong, takes a hit, then looks into his crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."

So the businessman asks him about his second choice,...

What did the prophet Mohamed say when his wife asked for a divorce?

"Those are pretty big words for a 6 year old!"

I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..

Did *not* see that coming.

A devout Muslim decides to go skydiving

He jumps off the plane and when it's time to open his parachute he pulls the cord and nothing happens. As he is hurtling towards the ground, he starts praying to Allah and the prophet Muhammad for mercy. Miraculously, a giant gust of wind picks him up and and begins to slow his fall. Surprised by t...

Prophetic Dreams

As a boy i had dreams that told the future.

One night when i was young, a crow came to me in a dream.

"Your aunt is going to die!" It cawed.
I woke up immediately and ran to tell my parents.
They told me
"Go back to bed its only a dream."

Then that morning they got a...

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in pub...

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

Why shouldn’t atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

I've started disguising landmines as temple doormats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

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One day a man gets on a bus and sees the most beautiful Muslim woman sitting in one of the seats.

Even with her headscarf he can tell she’s gorgeous. The seat next to her is open so he sits beside her. He decides he has to have her, but can’t think of what to say to her so he asks, “do you want to have sex?”

The woman slaps him and gets off the bus. A few stops later the man goes to get ...

Did you know that you don't pay taxes on flatbreads if they have a picture of Mohammed on it?

That's because naan-prophets are tax-exempt.

What kind of organization does an atheist start?

A non-prophet one

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

Where did the annoying prophet go on vacation?

Budapest!

"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..."

"...We're a non-prophet organization."

What do you call a cute prophet?

Adoracle

A prophet as a child (an oldly but a goody)

A child was a prophet, granted the ability to see the future

One night he went to sleep, and he had a dream where a raven came down to him and told him "tomorrow, your aunt will die"

The next day, the boy told his parents about the dream

They called his aunt to earn her, but a ...

Hippocrates and the Prophet

Tiresias, blind prophet of Apollo, once went to Hippocrates with a serious case of depression. In no time, Hippocrates had figured it out -- "Aha!" said he; "an imbalance of black bile!" He bled the excess melancholia into an urn and handed it to the prophet. Tiresias did not see the humour.

The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

How does God make money off his followers?

By making a prophet.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

I met Jesus's personal trainer the other day

He was making a pretty big prophet

A friend came to me and asked, "what is atheism?"

I replied, "a non prophet organization"

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

I got sent to jail because I thought I was Jesus.

It was a for-prophet prison.

Jesus would make an excellent businessman.

He was turning up prophets before he was even born.

If you switch the B and S in Osama bin Laden, it becomes Obama Sin-Laden . . .

Some might consider that prophetic, others slanderous.

But I say it's just flippin' BS.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

Step 1: Receive message from God.

Step 2: Spread God's message to the people.

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet!

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What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

Less and less people are buying into religion.

Prophets are down.

Why is Blizzard still popular in majority Muslim countries?

Because all they care about is prophets.

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefiel...

Why was Mohammed's mom so rich?

Because she made a prophet.

Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

Why was God so rich?

Because he had so many prophets

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A very pious Jew is praying to God.

A very pious Jew is praying to God. He says “Oh God, I’ve read all of your words, studied the speeches of your prophets, but one thing has eluded me. If you could just tell me your name I would die a happy man.”

The man is startled to see God himself descend from the heavens, and listens as G...

A prediction business recently shut down due to bankruptcy.

It wasn't going well to begin with, seeing as though they didn't manage make any prophets.

How to use religion to your advantage

1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet

I found out my friend was running a charity for atheism.

He said it was a non-prophet organization.

Have you heard about pogo stick cult?

Prophets have gone through the roof.

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

Why are corporations and mosques so similar?

They both only care about the prophet

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A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

What do you call it when a group of atheists come together to help people?

A Non-prophet Charity

One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die.

When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death.

A mo...

Talked to an atheist today.

Turns out he’s part of a Non-Prophet organization.

I got a job talking about religion

So far it's been very prophetable.

Agnostics need a better bookkeeper

They don't know if they have a prophet or not.

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.

I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.

It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

What do you call someone that tells the future for free?

A not-for-prophet

How come the majority of nonprofit organizations

Are PROPHET ORGANIZATIONS?

What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?

A non-prophet organization

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.

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