"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..."

"...We're a non-prophet organization."

I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..

Did *not* see that coming.

My friend decided to start an industry selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets have been going through the roof.

What did the prophet Mohamed say when his wife asked for a divorce?

"Those are pretty big words for a 6 year old!"

Why are corporations and mosques so similar?

They both only care about the prophet

Step 1: Adopt a religion.

Step 1: Adopt a religion.
Step 2: ????
Step 3: Prophet.

Where did the annoying prophet go on vacation?

Budapest!

A prophet as a child (an oldly but a goody)

A child was a prophet, granted the ability to see the future

One night he went to sleep, and he had a dream where a raven came down to him and told him "tomorrow, your aunt will die"

The next day, the boy told his parents about the dream

They called his aunt to earn her, but a ...

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

Did you know that God is rich?

Yeah, back in Israel he made a prophet.

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.

I've started a new business making statues of people who can tell the future...

...so far, I'm making a prophet.

Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

The story of Moses is a bit confusing to me...

1. He sees a burning bush.

2. ???

3. Prophet

Hippocrates and the Prophet

Tiresias, blind prophet of Apollo, once went to Hippocrates with a serious case of depression. In no time, Hippocrates had figured it out -- "Aha!" said he; "an imbalance of black bile!" He bled the excess melancholia into an urn and handed it to the prophet. Tiresias did not see the humour.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A very pious Jew is praying to God.

A very pious Jew is praying to God. He says “Oh God, I’ve read all of your words, studied the speeches of your prophets, but one thing has eluded me. If you could just tell me your name I would die a happy man.”

The man is startled to see God himself descend from the heavens, and listens as G...

Guide to being worshipped:

Step 1: Be born

Step 2: Hide in a cave for 3 days

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

Have you heard about pogo stick cult?

Prophets have gone through the roof.

A friend of mine

started a business selling trampolines to fortune-tellers.

He says prophets are going through the roof!

A prediction business recently shut down due to bankruptcy.

It wasn't going well to begin with, seeing as though they didn't manage make any prophets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

London taxi.

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because...

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

When is the only time a Mormon bets?

When there is a Prophet involved.

What do you call a man who can predict the number of fish a boat will catch?

A net prophet.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

How to use religion to your advantage

1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet

Abraham's Four-Step Plan

Step 1: become religious

Step 2: receive the literal word of God

Step 3: ???

Step 4: prophet

I found out my friend was running a charity for atheism.

He said it was a non-prophet organization.

*long*Muslim Extremist rides a Cab...

Extremist: Can I ask you a question?
Driver: Sure.

Extremist: Did they have radio in Prophet Muhammad's time?
Driver: No

Extremist: So why do you have it on?
Driver: *Turns off radio*

Extremist: Did they have Air-conditioning in Prophet Muhammad's time?
Driver: No...

Agnostics need a better bookkeeper

They don't know if they have a prophet or not.

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

I knew a guy that was selling exploding prayer rugs in the middle east

He told me prophets were going through the roof

An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefiel...

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.

I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.

It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists...

...only run non-prophet organizations.

What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?

A non-prophet organization

How to start a fiscally successful church:

Step 1: Learn how to converse with your God

Step 2: Do That

Step 3: Prophet!!!

For an introductory guide on how to talk to your God please send 9.99 to my church address. Email for details.

Talked to an atheist today.

Turns out he’s part of a Non-Prophet organization.

A friend of mine makes prayer mats with hidden explosives

I asked how his business is doing, he said: "Great! Prophets are through the roof!"

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

What do you call it when a group of atheists come together to help people?

A Non-prophet Charity

Steps to success:

1. Predict the end of the world.
2. Write a book about it.
3. Prophet?

Why was God such a savvy businessman?

He knew how to make prophets.

I just started volunteering at this place called Muhammad's Bakery.

It's a naan prophet organization.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Hey Virgin Mary! Stop having sex for money”!

“Whoa Whoa Whoa...I’m just trying to make a little prophet”

Who do businessmen pray to?

The Prophet Margin

So I recently opened a suicide bomb shop in Syria, and it's doing great!

Prophets are going through the roof.

The Pope dies and ascends into heaven. St Peter mets him at the Pearly Gates and welcomes him into the fold.

"Pope, welcome. We would love to make your stay here as comfortable as possible in return for your faithful service to the Lord during your time on earth. What could we do for you?"

The Pope replied "I spent my life studying the word of God, but it was always in the hand of man, and therefore...

I used to work at a charity where nobody was allowed to mention Jesus

It was a non-prophet

The car of a woman stops at midnight

A man come to help her. He start fixing the car.

After he finished, he tells the woman to try and start the car.

"Jesus, make this car start."
"Saint Mary, make this car start."
" St. Peter, make this car start." said the man.

"You must be a very religious Christian man."...

Why didn't Jesus start a charity?

Cuz they're not for prophets.

What is atheism?

A non-prophet religion

A Muslim goes to Heaven and meets Saint Peter at the Gate.

He looks at Peter and says "This has to be a mistake. I demand to see prophet Mohamed right now!"
Saint Peter says "Calm down. Would you like a coffee or a cappuccino or something to drink?"
The Muslim says "No, thanks. But I don't think I'm supposed to be here."
Peter responds "Alrig...

[OC] I'm starting a Deist church.

It's a non-prophet institution.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

26 groaners

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still....

I started a figurine company that specializes in miniature Muhammad statues

We make a small prophet.

Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?

Because the shelter was non prophet.

Psychiatric ward: A new patient is introduced.

Nurse: "Welcome! Would you tell us a little about yourself?"
Patient: "Alright. I am the last prophet among mankind."
Nurse: "Well, ain't that something! Who told you this?"
Patient: "God Himself."
-A deep voice could be heard from one of the patients in the back:
"I never t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is it weird that the Jews killed Jesus?

They love prophets

An Easter Joke (a bit late)

So after Christ rose from the dead he was on a stroll with some of his disciples. One of them said, "Say Jesus, do you mind showing us how you walked on water?"

Jesus said, "Well, these were miracles, not exactly parlor tricks. But you know what, I don't mind."

^^^^Another ^^^^discipl...

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