Who was the most high-tech prophet? Moses.

He used a tablet.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're...

Atheism has a rubbish business model

It's non-prophet.

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

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I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

A prophet in france

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me."...

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

So a New Yorker wishes to join the Taliban...

And they take him to their leader.

"Do you accept Allah as your God and Mohammad as your prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Will you jihad for the glory of God and his prophet?"

"Yes!"

"Do you believe that after you die, you will join your brethren in God's paradise where rivers of...

I asked my Arabic friend how he made all his money…

He said it was 3 simple steps:

Step 1: Be named Muhammed.
Step 2: Start a new religion.
Step 3: Prophet.

An Afghan villager is walking down a road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets his fellow villager going the opposite way.

He says, "Ahmed, Prophet Muhammad would never let his wife walk ahead of him."

The first villager replies, "Well, at the time of the Prophet there were no minefields."

What do you call a group of atheists?

A non-prophet

Who's the best businesswoman in the bible?

Pharoah's daughter; she went to the Nile bank and drew a little prophet

In the past people listened to prophets

Now they listen to profits

How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:

Prophet.

The unpaid internship

A guy walks into a bar and notices a fortune-teller with a crystal ball sitting over in the corner. "What's up with that?" he asks the bartender. "Oh she's doing free readings here tonight, you know to get established," the bartender says. "So tonight she's a not-for-prophet."

Step 1: Travel back in time

Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

What did the prophet Mohamed say when his wife asked for a divorce?

"Those are pretty big words for a 6 year old!"

how to become a prophet

1-write things that don't make sense on a paper

2-bury it

3-prophet

Did you know that Athiest organizations are tax exempted?

Its because they're non-prophet organizations.

Prophetic Dreams

As a boy i had dreams that told the future.

One night when i was young, a crow came to me in a dream.

"Your aunt is going to die!" It cawed.
I woke up immediately and ran to tell my parents.
They told me
"Go back to bed its only a dream."

Then that morning they got a...

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He ...

What is atheism?

A non - prophet organization

I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..

Did *not* see that coming.

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.


I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

A corrupt policeman asking for bribes

There was a corrupt policeman who always stopped people and asked them for bribes. One time he worked all day and didn't stop anyone. He realized as the sun was going down that he didn't have any money in his pocket so he said to himself, “I'm going to stop the next person I see.” Shortly thereafter...

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

Where did the annoying prophet go on vacation?

Budapest!

How to start a cult

1. Claim you have talked to God
2. ???
3. >!Prophet!<

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

Hippocrates and the Prophet

Tiresias, blind prophet of Apollo, once went to Hippocrates with a serious case of depression. In no time, Hippocrates had figured it out -- "Aha!" said he; "an imbalance of black bile!" He bled the excess melancholia into an urn and handed it to the prophet. Tiresias did not see the humour.

I've started a business crafting small figurines of Muhammad.

It's making little prophets.

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

A prophet as a child (an oldly but a goody)

A child was a prophet, granted the ability to see the future

One night he went to sleep, and he had a dream where a raven came down to him and told him "tomorrow, your aunt will die"

The next day, the boy told his parents about the dream

They called his aunt to earn her, but a ...

I started a business selling landmines as prayer mats.

The prophets are through the roof!

Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?

They’re a non-prophet organization

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..."

"...We're a non-prophet organization."

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One day a man gets on a bus and sees the most beautiful Muslim woman sitting in one of the seats.

Even with her headscarf he can tell she’s gorgeous. The seat next to her is open so he sits beside her. He decides he has to have her, but can’t think of what to say to her so he asks, “do you want to have sex?”

The woman slaps him and gets off the bus. A few stops later the man goes to get ...

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

Joseph Smith's Guide to wealth

Step 1: “translate” an “ancient text” “God” sent you to write.

Step 2: Convince everyone all other churches are fake and God only speaks to you!

Step 3: Prophet!

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

What's a Ferengi's least favourite band?

The lost prophets

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A joke that made my girlfriend laugh

Her: Aren’t you cold?

Me: Well as a wise prophet once said, ‘the cold never bothers me anyway’.

Her: Huh, Elsa isn’t a prophet?

Me: Yes she is, Disney made a butt tonne of money off of her!

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A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks the fortune teller what his future would look like if he became an artist.

To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large bong, takes a hit, then looks into his crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."

So the businessman asks him about his second choice,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in pub...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

A devout Muslim decides to go skydiving

He jumps off the plane and when it's time to open his parachute he pulls the cord and nothing happens. As he is hurtling towards the ground, he starts praying to Allah and the prophet Muhammad for mercy. Miraculously, a giant gust of wind picks him up and and begins to slow his fall. Surprised by t...

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

Did you know that you don't pay taxes on flatbreads if they have a picture of Mohammed on it?

That's because naan-prophets are tax-exempt.

Why shouldn’t atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

If you switch the B and S in Osama bin Laden, it becomes Obama Sin-Laden . . .

Some might consider that prophetic, others slanderous.

But I say it's just flippin' BS.

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

How does God make money off his followers?

By making a prophet.

Jesus would make an excellent businessman.

He was turning up prophets before he was even born.

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

Less and less people are buying into religion.

Prophets are down.

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

Why was Mohammed's mom so rich?

Because she made a prophet.

I found out my friend was running a charity for atheism.

He said it was a non-prophet organization.

How to use religion to your advantage

1. Claim divine visitation of some nature
2. ???
3. Prophet

Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

What do you call it when a group of atheists come together to help people?

A Non-prophet Charity

Why was God so rich?

Because he had so many prophets

Why are corporations and mosques so similar?

They both only care about the prophet

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.

One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die.

When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death.

A mo...

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