I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.....

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

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If November is "No Nut" November What Does That Make December?

The cumming month?

Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

We should add a leap second to December 31st 2020

Just to make people watching the live clock think for a split second that the year will never end

Christmas gifts will be delivered on January 8 this year instead of December 25

Santa has been asked to quarantine for 14 days.

Happy December 32nd!

Trump just filed a suit to officially make December four years long.

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Our catholic priest used to stick anointing oil up his bum in December

He said he was Father Chrism-ass

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"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a cold December day

"Just wait out here," says the Lone Ranger. "I need to see a man in the saloon. They won't let you in, it's illegal to serve alcohol to your people."

"It's freezing," complains Tonto as he hitches the horses to the rail. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Run up and down to keep warm," the L...

The attack on Pearl Harbor will always be the 2nd worst tragedy to happen on American soil on December 7th.

The first being my birth.

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A man brings home a X-Mas tree...

"Oh boy, this place looks amaaaazing! It is cozy and warm, so much better than the forest in which I grew up! What are those? kids? I love kids! and they are giving me clothes! Those balls are a bit heavy but they make for some really pretty earings. And those scarfs are so lustruous I wanna cry. Th...

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An old couple goes to their doctor

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with...

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:

"Let's have another round, shall we?"

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

There's a Friday the 13th this December

A nightmare before Christmas some may say

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Why don't Jews celebrate December 25th?

They don't believe Santa Claus Israel

What is United Kingdom's top song for December 2018?

"All I want for Christmas is EU"

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

I feel bad for my buddy over in Spain.

I asked him, "Has December been a good week for you so far?"


He said it was actually a mes.

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

What does Marie Antoinette and me have in common?

It is likely at one point on December the 16th over the years, we have enjoyed a cake day.

Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet.

January — ABCD...


February — EFG...


March — HIJK...


April to December — ELEMENOP.

December 19 was the 102nd anniversary of the death of Alois Alzheimer.

But of course no one remembered.

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

Last December I had too much eggnog and ended up sleeping with a ghost.

I really got into the Christmas spirit.

There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September

It's the dictionary

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Since it's Destroy Dick December,

we're gonna have a really white christmas.

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Concentration camp, December 24th 1940s

It's Christmas Eve 1940 and there is room full of Jews who are prisoners at a concentration camp. It's the holiday season and The commandant is in a particularly good mood so he goes to the room and opens the door.

"It's Christmas and I'm in a giving mood," he says, " I've decided to let you ...

Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since...

14-December-2020

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

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Study suggests that a man does sex for a minimum 30 times a year.

Looks like it is going to be fun December for me.

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

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Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31.

Unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.

A wife got this letter from Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

9 of the top 10 days to give birth fall between Sept. 9 and Sept. 20. Given that pregnancies last an average of about 38 weeks, this means many people are conceiving in December, around the holidays.

In other words, if you can't afford to give presents, get f**ked.

When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified.

But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

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A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says ...

What did the genetic engineer say on December 25th?

Merry CRISPRmas!

What to get dads for Christmas

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December.

The doctor has given me two months to live.

I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.

Blind people are going to rejoice in December 2019.

I'm sure they'd form some sort of 2020 vision.

WWE is postponing their upcoming event in Saudi Arabia until December.

And they are changing the name of the event to December to Dismember.

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My friends said that virgins are good at remembering

He said that on december 5/2005 at 8:54 pm when i was taking a dump

Back in December a Santa wondered into the wrong street and couldn't figure out a way out

He was a lost Claus

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I heard that as a 40 yo. guy, I should have sex on average 53 times a year.

December is gonna be awesome!

Do you know why Santa only work on the 25th of December?

Because he knows where all the bad girls are...(sorry)

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

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Are you TIRED of ads?

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December 31st of this year will be Ramones day.

When 2020 has 24 hours to go.

two blondes in a forest

In December, two blondes in a forest are looking for a Christmas tree. They go all around the forest for hours. Then one of them says:
"I am very tired and I am fed up with the searching - let's take some tree without the decoration."

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

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Two boys

It's a freezing Sunday morning in December and a Nun is about to enter the back of the church when she sees 2 boys sitting on the back steps, shivering like crazy. She asks:

"Boys? Why are you out here sitting in this freezing weather?"

One of the boys replies:
"Because the Priest ...

Walking on Water

A girl was told all her life that all the women in her family could walk on water on their 21st birthday. She never believed her mom but when it came time for her 21st birthday, she stepped out onto a lake and promptly fell.

When she came back, she confronted her mom and asked her why she cou...

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Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

A Christmas Myth

After learning about different ways to celebrate Christmas, the children were eager to learn more about the subject. Knowing that one of the teachers at their school was from the UK and maybe had an angel on top of the tree instead of the classic star, they went to ask him about it.

It's a lo...

It is December in Ontario...

... and the only Snowflakes I can find are on Facebook.

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

When I was a kid, we were so poor....

That Mom used to cut off the bottoms of our pockets on December 24th, so we'd have something to play with Christmas morning.

Jesus' Birthday

I've been hearing that Jesus wasnt even born December 25. Some experts think he could have been born in the spring.

At least we have the date of his death nailed down.

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

Remember remember

The 1st of December when all the redditors came at once.

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The Heroic Homeless Man

It’s December 2012, and Christmas is fast approaching. The snow is on the trees, gifts are being bought, and the lake in Central Park is frozen over. Children and the stents are skiing on the ice, having a great time. However suddenly, a little girl falls through the ice. Luckily, a nearby homeless ...

They're gonna beat this horse down the old town road until it can't die no more

This song has been rereleased twice now since December with just different artists added in

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Do I have to draw you a picture?

Son: "Dad, a kid got in trouble at school today for saying "bitch" and "pussy", what does that mean?"

Dad: Grabs an old muffler shop calendar and a marker. "Look here Junior." Dad uses the marker and circles the genitalia of the nude Miss December, then points. "That right there, that i...

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Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

On a cold winter day....

....31st December 2009, the employees of a company received the following message "While the company recognises your invaluable services, we are sorry to inform that we would be able to pay your salaries only next year". Shocked on seeing this, the employees contacted the salary section of the finan...

I don't get why we have to know when the fall of Berlin was

obviously Berlin has fall every year September to December

A joke my dad used to tell me when I was young.

Andre and Tony are good seven year old best buds with each other. one day they are playing hide & seek by a park. The December weather makes hiding in the snow extra fun. Eventually after playing the game for awhile, Andre notices how Tony seems to always find him. So, Andre asks Tony how he is ...

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No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

It's 69 degrees right now in December

I didn't realize it would be this nice out

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