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I heard that as a 40 yo. guy, I should have sex on average 53 times a year.

December is gonna be awesome!

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

What comes after No Nut November?

No Bush December

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

What is United Kingdom's top song for December 2018?

"All I want for Christmas is EU"

Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:

"Let's have another round, shall we?"

It is December in Ontario...

... and the only Snowflakes I can find are on Facebook.

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

A couple went on a date in December...

He pulls out a ring and says,” Merry Christmas!”

So she took the ring and married Christmas.

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

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Since it's Destroy Dick December,

we're gonna have a really white christmas.

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Destroy Dick December has begun...

Now... Everyone! Man your battle ships! We're gonna hunt down Moby & make millions from his corpse!

Blind people are going to rejoice in December 2019.

I'm sure they'd form some sort of 2020 vision.

I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mum promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

December 19 was the 102nd anniversary of the death of Alois Alzheimer.

But of course no one remembered.

Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31.

Unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December.

What did the genetic engineer say on December 25th?

Merry CRISPRmas!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th?

Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've fi...

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A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says ...

Back in December a Santa wondered into the wrong street and couldn't figure out a way out

He was a lost Claus

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

Do you know why Santa only work on the 25th of December?

Because he knows where all the bad girls are...(sorry)

Look, No Nut November jokes are pretty lame right now but

in December their time will come

On a cold winter day....

....31st December 2009, the employees of a company received the following message "While the company recognises your invaluable services, we are sorry to inform that we would be able to pay your salaries only next year". Shocked on seeing this, the employees contacted the salary section of the finan...

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No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

My school is putting on a play called The Nutcracker.

Good thing it shows on December 1.

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The perils of planning a Christmas party

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 4

RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar...

Remember remember

The 1st of December when all the redditors came at once.

From the death notice of a local newspaper: After a very hard and painfull life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace...

The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mailman Gets an Interesting Christmas Gift

Joe the mailman was on his usual rounds in late December when he came upon the Jones residence, finding to his surprise that Mrs. Jones was standing in the doorway in sexy lingerie beckoning him inside. Not one to question a good thing, Joe followed her inside, where she showed him the night of his ...

At the court

Judge: Every one of your answers should be oral! So where were you on the 12 of December?

Suspect: Oral.

A wife got this letter from Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

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So there’s a 12-floor building

The first floor is named January
Second floor is February
Third is March
Forth is April
Fifth is May
Sixth is June
Seventh -July
Eight - August
Ninth - September
Tenth October
Eleventh November
And finally the twelfth floor is named December.

How do ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy and his father walk into a pharmacy store where the boy notices a pack of condoms.

A boy and his father walk into a pharmacy store where the boy notices a pack of condoms.

The boy turns to his father and ask what condoms are, the father explains that they are used for safe sex.

The boy intrigued ask his father why do they come in different quantities per box.
...

The best Easter joke I heard

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies,...

When my parents told me Santa wasn't real, I was incredibly sad.

But then I bumped into him at the mall last December and he cleared that all up for me! Nice joke, Dad!

The Heroic Homeless Man

It’s December 2012, and Christmas is fast approaching. The snow is on the trees, gifts are being bought, and the lake in Central Park is frozen over. Children and the stents are skiing on the ice, having a great time. However suddenly, a little girl falls through the ice. Luckily, a nearby homeless ...

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Hot and cold sex

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After I have sex with my wife, I
am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't get scammed like me

Here is a scam....... Be careful!!!
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while at Home Depot. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20 year-olds girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehic...

A man goes to the doctors to find a cure for his lack of hearing

The doctor prescribed a hearing apparatus, and scheduled him in for surgery in December.

After the surgery was complete, the man asked the doctor if everything went well. The doctor responded, "everything is fine sir. We've run our tests and you're ready to be discharged. Merry Christmas, and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

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The real 12 days of Christmas

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Valley, Colorado

December 14, 1979

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest l...

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

Coming-of-age Family tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that
special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on
the far side for their firs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chuck Norris facts.

-In the average living room, there are 1,385 items Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
-Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he takes a piss.
-When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.
-If you rearrang...

Who are the Minnesota Vikings' toughest opponents?

November and December.

Russianbias

Twenty-five years ago, in December of 1991, the Soviet Union disintegrated. Humorist J.P. O'Rourke, the author of "The Baby Boom: How It Got That Way" told us, "Many of my favorite jokes came from behind the Iron Curtain. Maybe because humor was particularly sharp because it was the only weapon peop...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

Santa on the bad list? Impossible!!!

On the 1st of December a little boy called Jim sends Santa a card asking "can I have a sister for Christmas. The next day he sent one back saying "Ok Jim send me your mother".

So I went to the cinema to book my tickets to the new Starwars

I walked up to the desk, and said "Hi, I'd like two tickets to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi, as close to the release as possible".

The worked replied "Ok, I can get you two tickets for the 16th of December, your showing will be at 16:45. It will be $60 though."
A little miffed at the pric...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered her...

My wife said, "Come on now... It's not the first time you've been premature is it?"

"I know," I replied, "But I just get over excited sometimes.. I can't help it."

"Right.. Let's sort this out. I'll get the decorations down and you put the Christmas tree back in the attic until December."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend works at NASA developing robotic exploration vehicles...

A few years back he was intensely busy with a major project involving a multi-million-dollar remote-controlled rover, often sleeping at the lab and coming home only once every 3-4 days to shower, change clothes, and feed his cats. One of his cats got sick at that time, but he didn't even have time t...

If President Trump passes away while in office, he will never admit it because...

...he'll continue tweeting denials about it from the grave:

===

---

>>###Yes, it is true - Tupac Shakur, the great Afro-American musician, called me about getting together for a meeting. We met, HE IS A GREAT GUY!

>>— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Decembe...

A young American couple are walking through Moscow...

A young American couple are walking through Moscow on an unseasonably warm December night. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think its raining" says the man.
"No, I'm quite sure thats snow."replies the woman.
"How about we ask the guard?" The man suggests. "Oh, Officer Olph? He w...

​SERIOUS WARNING!​ Do not go outside!

On the 31st December around 11:59pm. Do not go outside your house otherwise chances are, you will not come back until next year!!!

Please tell everyone u care for.

Xmas Joke Help

Hi All,

So December 1st is upon us (in Australia at least) and that means that it is time for me to begin my annual tradition of posting daily status updates on facebook with terrible xmas jokes until xmas. An advent calendar of xmas cracker jokes if you will.

Anyway this is my third o...

Seasonal joke I wrote (in Spanish)

I'm a native English speaker, and I wrote this joke while on vacation in Mexico at Christmas time:
I have no idea how to do accents - My Spanish is pretty much just spoken...
Que dijo la persona que estaba callendo de un edificio muy muy alto en diciembre?
Feliz gravidad!
(Translation: W...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, an old married couple goes to the doc . . .

for their annual checkups. He sees the husband first, and he seems healthy, so the doc asks if he has any complaints. "Well, doc, we're having a little trouble having sex. When we do it the first time, I get all hot and sweaty, but the second time, I get chills, and I feel like I'm freezing." ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sexual Appetite

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then...

Accordion and Tuba Duo

A party planner has organized a huge new year's eve party. At the last minute, the band he hired has to pull out because of death in the family. The planner is totally stressed out because he has 500 partiers and no band.

On December 30 he contacts the only local band that was avaliable, a ...

2 village idiots are walking...

...in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other:

"Look, I don't care if the next one doesn't have any decorations, we're taking it for Christmas!"

A long-range trucker was returning home for the holidays

He was looking forward to seeing his family. However, the snows of December were coming in, and eventually it was a full blizzard. He decided to pull over and stay overnight in a little town. The next morning, he went to a diner to get breakfast. He saw eggs benidict on the menu. The waiter said it ...

Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals.

What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tess is sleeping during class

The teacher asks her a question. ''Tess, can you tell us who made the earth?'' The boy behind her stabs her in her butt with a pencil. ''God almighty!'' Tess screams. ''Good job!'' Says the teacher.
A couple of days later, she's sleeping again during the same class. The same teacher asks her ''Te...

An Israeli Joke

An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry ...

Why did the Mexican...

... throw his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!


... go to the home improvement store in December?
Fajitas!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Political Speech for Logophiles. (1 page)

Guaranteed Effective All-Occasion Non-Slanderous Political Smear Speech
By Bill Garvin
MAD #139, December 1970


My fellow citizens, it is an honor and a pleasure to be here today. My opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity toward your city, but I happen to like this area. ...