UPJOKE
juneseptemberjanuarynovemberaprilmonthfebruarychristmasmarchyearoctoberjulydecjulian calendaraugust

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Make sure to poop before midnight on 31st December.

You don't want to hold on to previous year's shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the evening of 24 December 1944...

...a team of Allied commandos were taking advantage of the German revelry, sneaking behind enemy lines to kill or capture the kommandant of the nearby Nazi base, Klaus von Braun.

From their position in the shadows, they watched the kommandant as he passed from soldier to soldier, thanking...

One 23rd of December, Santa's doorbell rings.

He opens the door and there is a little man there in a blue uniform with a peaked cap. "Evening!" he says, "...or whatever time it is up here. Hopkins, Civil Aviation Authority. It's time for your checkride".

Santa begs his pardon politely and Hopkins digs through the satchel he is carrying a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.....

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

What did the genetic engineer say on December 25th?

Merry CRISPRmas!

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg

That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If November is "No Nut" November What Does That Make December?

The cumming month?

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

December 19 was the 102nd anniversary of the death of Alois Alzheimer.

But of course no one remembered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

What do chickens celebrate in December?

Eggs-mas

There's a Friday the 13th this December

A nightmare before Christmas some may say

How many Seconds are in a year?

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

We should add a leap second to December 31st 2020

Just to make people watching the live clock think for a split second that the year will never end

It was early December, and a cartographer was looking at a map of Costa Rica.

The cartographer noted that the northern part of the country, along the Nicaraguan border, was fairly wide, but the country's width diminished as it trended southeast. At the border with Panama, it was much narrower.

"Hmm," mused the cartographer. "It's beginning to look a lot like Isthmus."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With a sexy smile, she said to me "Kiss me where the sun don't shine."

...so I booked us two tickets for a December holiday in northern Norway.

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Concentration camp, December 24th 1940s

It's Christmas Eve 1940 and there is room full of Jews who are prisoners at a concentration camp. It's the holiday season and The commandant is in a particularly good mood so he goes to the room and opens the door.

"It's Christmas and I'm in a giving mood," he says, " I've decided to let you ...

What is United Kingdom's top song for December 2018?

"All I want for Christmas is EU"

Christmas gifts will be delivered on January 8 this year instead of December 25

Santa has been asked to quarantine for 14 days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im getting sick of destroy dick december..

Still waiting for jerk-off january and fap febuary

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a cold December day

"Just wait out here," says the Lone Ranger. "I need to see a man in the saloon. They won't let you in, it's illegal to serve alcohol to your people."

"It's freezing," complains Tonto as he hitches the horses to the rail. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Run up and down to keep warm," the L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says ...

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

The doctor has given me two months to live.

I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since it's Destroy Dick December,

we're gonna have a really white christmas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our catholic priest used to stick anointing oil up his bum in December

He said he was Father Chrism-ass

Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:

"Let's have another round, shall we?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

A 70 year old man wants to marry a 25 year old woman.

His lawyer is trying to talk him out of it.
After an hour of arguing with his client for the lawyer says, “Do whatever you want, but I warn you, these May/December weddings often end in death!”

That stops the older man for a second. He stops, ponders, and finally says, “Well - If she dies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September

It's the dictionary

Last December I had too much eggnog and ended up sleeping with a ghost.

I really got into the Christmas spirit.

Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31.

Unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would be the female equivalent of No Nut November?

Get your alliteration skills on people. So far I've come up with Dildo Denial December or Forbidden Fingering February,

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

Time for a Christmas joke...

Some time in the early 80s, during perestroika, a couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square in late December.
There was a fine mist in the air, and the couple are arguing.

I think it’s snowing," says the man.

"No. That's definitely rain ," replies his wife.

"Too cold for r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't Jews celebrate December 25th?

They don't believe Santa Claus Israel

The attack on Pearl Harbor will always be the 2nd worst tragedy to happen on American soil on December 7th.

The first being my birth.

Do you know why Santa only work on the 25th of December?

Because he knows where all the bad girls are...(sorry)

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

My grandfather was arrested several times...

...for selling a phony immortality elixir.

Once in 1885, again in 1922, a third time in 1964, another time in December 2021...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that as a 40 yo. guy, I should have sex on average 53 times a year.

December is gonna be awesome!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

I bought the 250 million year old pink Himalayan salt

Behind the package, on the label, it says that it expires in December 2022

Reddit should rename "share" to "spreddit", "delete" to "shreddit" and "karma" to "creddit".

Yet they haven't. I really don't geddit.

Edit: it's currently December 22nd of 2021 and I confess: this joke is a repost

... just like the hundreds of other copies of this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the growing popularity of no nut november, its wave of abstience is spreading to other months

Such as: no jizz july, no semen september and no dong december

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot and cold sex

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After I have sex with my wife, I
am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with h...

Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s!

(born on December 31st, 1999)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to the gym for the new year

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that it's the new year I'm sick of all the gym rats bitching and moaning about all us newbies taking up space in their gyms," the guy complains to the bartender. "We didn't complain when they came to use our pubs in December."

Russia vs NATO

A russian general goes into a coma in December 2021 ans wakes up in March 2022. His assistant is updating him on the latest development:
- General, tov. Putin ordered a special operation against Ukraine, which is actually a war against NATO to establish world dominance in the next 100 years. So f...

I feel bad for my buddy over in Spain.

I asked him, "Has December been a good week for you so far?"


He said it was actually a mes.

December 31st of this year will be Ramones day.

When 2020 has 24 hours to go.

When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified.

But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.

A letter from Walmart

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Study suggests that a man does sex for a minimum 30 times a year.

Looks like it is going to be fun December for me.

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet.

January — ABCD...


February — EFG...


March — HIJK...


April to December — ELEMENOP.

What does Marie Antoinette and me have in common?

It is likely at one point on December the 16th over the years, we have enjoyed a cake day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

A joke my dad used to tell me when I was young.

Andre and Tony are good seven year old best buds with each other. one day they are playing hide & seek by a park. The December weather makes hiding in the snow extra fun. Eventually after playing the game for awhile, Andre notices how Tony seems to always find him. So, Andre asks Tony how he is ...

two blondes in a forest

In December, two blondes in a forest are looking for a Christmas tree. They go all around the forest for hours. Then one of them says:
"I am very tired and I am fed up with the searching - let's take some tree without the decoration."

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

It is December in Ontario...

... and the only Snowflakes I can find are on Facebook.

Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since...

14-December-2020

What to get dads for Christmas

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

Remember remember

The 1st of December when all the redditors came at once.

If President Trump passes away while in office, he will never admit it because...

...he'll continue tweeting denials about it from the grave:

===

---

>>###Yes, it is true - Tupac Shakur, the great Afro-American musician, called me about getting together for a meeting. We met, HE IS A GREAT GUY!

>>— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Decembe...

Christmas Eve

It was December 24, Joseph and Mary had been travelling all day, in the evening they arrived at the town of Bethlehem. They stopped at the first inn, and Joseph went inside to get a room for the night. The innkeeper told him they were all full. So they went to the next inn down the road. It was ...

They're gonna beat this horse down the old town road until it can't die no more

This song has been rereleased twice now since December with just different artists added in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man brings home a X-Mas tree...

"Oh boy, this place looks amaaaazing! It is cozy and warm, so much better than the forest in which I grew up! What are those? kids? I love kids! and they are giving me clothes! Those balls are a bit heavy but they make for some really pretty earings. And those scarfs are so lustruous I wanna cry. Th...

When I was a kid, we were so poor....

That Mom used to cut off the bottoms of our pockets on December 24th, so we'd have something to play with Christmas morning.

I don't get why we have to know when the fall of Berlin was

obviously Berlin has fall every year September to December

New Years dad jokes.

*11:59 on December 31st*
Every dad in the world:”See you next year!!”

One November night, a man suggests a Christmas movie when trying to choose something to watch with his wife.

"We can't watch that," says the wife. "We have to wait until December." The husband agrees to this, so they watch something else.

Several months later, in the middle of Summer, the wife sees something that reminds her of an event from her past. "Wanna hear something funny that happened when I...

It's 69 degrees right now in December

I didn't realize it would be this nice out

Jesus' Birthday

I've been hearing that Jesus wasnt even born December 25. Some experts think he could have been born in the spring.

At least we have the date of his death nailed down.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.