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Christmas Day Jokes

The Aborists came to my house on Christmas Day.

I was visited by the tree wise men.

It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

Why didn’t Lassie have to save Timmy on Christmas Day?

No well

Every Christmas day we have pigs in blankets.

Or as some people might call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room.

Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie....

It was a partridge on a par 3.

Why was the ghost sad on Christmas Day?

Because he had no presence.

...sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

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A little girl was talking to a cop on Christmas day...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop c...

"Did you know that Christmas day falls on a Friday this year?" said one blonde to another.

"Oh dear!!" her friend replied, "I hope it's not the 13th?"

My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out

because Santa didn't come.

I was so poor as a child that

If I didn’t wake up with a hard on on Christmas Day I didn’t have anything to play with.

Why is being a parent on Christmas Day like being at work?

You do all the work and some guy in a suit takes credit.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day.

It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

“HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?” The second little boy pauses and says “well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?”

The first little boy excitedly replies ”Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can’t believe all you g...

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Three men die on Christmas Day

As they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he explains that because they died on such an important day, in order to get into heaven, they need to show him something Christmas-y.

They all look at each other, knowing that they don't have anything festive on them, so they would have to improvis...

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

Christmas Day accident

Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H.

His gums aren't itching, but now, he can...

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Dear readers, this Christmas day, one in five children in London will not have a gift from Santa!!

one in five children in London will not have a christmas tree at home.

one in five children in London will not have a christmas dinner with their family.



This is not an advertisement for Red cross or Salvation Army, one in five children born in London are Muslims and they dont ...

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.

_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!

_Charlie:_ Was c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Santa say to the fourth prostitute he slept with on Christmas day?

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean I'm gonna stop at 3 ho's.

Me and my wife were having an argument about which family we will spend Christmas Day with...

I’m sure many couples can relate. I want to spend it with mine and she obviously wants to spend it with hers. It led to a big argument where she yelled, “You like your family way more, you hate my relatives”

I replied, “That’s not true, I like your mother in law way more than mine”

Why did the programmer buy a Jack O' Lantern on Christmas Day?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

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^Can't ^remember ^where ^I ^heard ^it ^before

HELP: Trying to write a joke

I hope this doesn't go against any sub rules. I'm ok if it gets deleted.

So, I had an idea pop into my head last night, and I need some help in fleshing out the body of the joke.

It would go something like this:

A man and his son are walking near (body of water) on Christmas Day...

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one C...

I hope the far east finally collaborates with the u.s. on eradicating the virus.

I mean, it's Christmas day, we could use the good China.

You better not.

I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.

Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"

The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"

Christmas Joke

We were all having sparkling wine on Christmas day when my friend said it had given him a headache so he was going to leave. Turns out he was fine and had just wanted to leave early. It was a sham pain.

Let him Go!

There once was a man named Juan. Juan worked super hard for his family of four including his oldest daughter Navi. One year on Christmas Eve, Juan is illegally detained. Navi, being his activist daughter immediately rallied her friends. They met in front of the jail on Christmas Day and they all cha...

Why did the dyslexic Christian kill himself on Christmas day?

Because Satan was crawling down his chimney.

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

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