An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation...

"I think it's raining", says the man.

"No, it's snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

What's the best way to get upvotes on Christmas Eve?

It's a piece of cake.

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it ‘soots’ him.

This guy was shopping in town with his wife on Christmas Eve.

They got separated so she called him on his phone and said: "Where are you?" The guy said, "Do you remember that little jewelry store we went to last year where you saw the diamond bracelet that you loved but I didn't have enough money to buy it?" She said "Yes! Yes! I remember!" So the guy said, "I...

Three men all passed away on Christmas Eve.

. Upon arrival at the pearly gates Saint Peter was feeling Joyous.

He asked each of them if they could produce something of the season he would grant them quick admission

The first fellow thought for a moment, pulled out a set of keys from his pocket, showed them To St. Peter, and repl...

An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve?

He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.

Why did the Karen travel to Bethlehem on Christmas Eve?

She wanted to speak to the manger!

A young girl is praying before bed on Christmas Eve...

"Dear God, please help me with my dyslexia, Mom and Dad had to help me with my list to santa. I almost asked Satan for my first bar. I was so embarrassed. Also, please be with those poorer and less fortunate than us. Amen"

And God said to the little girl, "Woof!"

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A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?

Because he always accepts cookies.

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Three lads die on Christmas Eve...

Three lads die on Christmas Eve. They approach the pearly gates and St. Peter says that in the Spirit of Christmas, that if they can produce an item representing the Christmas season, they will gain admission. 

David the Englishman pulls out his lighter, flashes it and states, "'Tis a candle ...

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"The 24th of December is Christmas Eve"

"No it fucking isn't, Adam."

It was Christmas Eve.

A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.

"What is that?" he asked.

She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'M...

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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man p...

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It's Christmas Eve and Santa is very angry...

...his reindeer cannot fly because they ended up drinking mulled wine and are now very drunk. His elves are refusing to produce any more presents because they are angry about their pay and an angel Santa sent off to get a Christmas tree hasn't returned yet. "How the hell am I going to get Christmas ...

I just opened up my presents for Christmas Eve

Too bad I didn't get any lotion to have something to play with

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On Christmas Eve, a postman is collecting letters from the post box when he comes across a letter addressed to Father Christmas

Intrigued, he opens it, to find, scrawled in orange crayon, the words

"Dear Santa,

My family is very poor, so this year I don't want any presents. Please could you just send me £20 so I can give it to my parents?

Love Kevin".

Touched, the postman searches his pockets, wh...

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Three co-workers stopped for a drink after work on Christmas Eve

One drink led to another, and they progressed to some serious partying. Later in the evening, they were on their way to another spot when their drunken driver crashed the car, killing them instantly.

The three find themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. He tells ...

Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve?

The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.

A couple are in Moscow on Christmas Eve

A slight precipitation starts coming down and the couple starts arguing. The husband says, “look it’s raining” but the wife says, “no, that’s clearly snow”.

The arguing continues for a minute and then they decide to ask a local for help. They stop a man and ask his name and he replies, “Hello...

T'was a wet and rainy Christmas eve...

...when santa landed on our roof.

The slippery condition were quite treacherous,

as a reindeer missed its hoof.

Santa and his reindeers came sliding down.

I would've laffed if it was a clown.

One by one, they got tangled in the lights,

and came crashing down...

What do the wives of Santa’s Reindeer do on Christmas Eve while Santa and the Reindeer are off delivering presents? (NSFW)

They go into town and blow a few bucks.

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A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back...

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl waiting for him.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl in pajamas waiting for him.

The little girl is excited to see Santa and says "Santa Clause wont you stay and play with me?"

Santa, being a busy man says "Ho, Ho, Ho, I've got to go, there are plenty of ...

Christmas Eve, cop pulls over a man for speeding

Cop says "Listen, It's Christmas, I wanna end my shift and go home, and not have to do paper work. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off".

Speeder thinks a minute, then replies "My wife left me for a cop, and I was afraid he was you and you were bringing her...

Why does Santa have to be extra careful with his health around Christmas Eve?

It's flue season.

I'll never forget the Christmas Eve my father went to jail.

It didn't take long before he got violent, abusive, screaming and thrashing around, smearing feces on the walls...

I'll never play Monopoly with him again.

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Three man die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven . . .

. . . where they are met by Saint Peter.

''In order to get in,'' He tells them, ''you must each produce something representative of the holidays.''

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. '' This represents a candle of hope.'' Impressed, Peter lets him ...

My childhood memories of Christmas are dominated by the time I sneaked downstairs one Christmas Eve and heard my mother telling Father Christmas that he was a fat, lazy, good for nothing drunken slob...

I saw mommy dissing Santa Claus...

What do you do if somebody dies Christmas Eve?

Wait 12 hours and have Christmas Mourning

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Christmas Eve and Santa was out delivering presents...

He arrived at a set of three houses, he went down the first chimney, and there was a woman stood their in her bra and knickers, she said "Shag me Santa Clause" he replied with "Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa's gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the people I know"

So up the chimney he shot, and straight d...

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Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve...

When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them.

"Welcome to Heaven!" exclaimed St. Peter, "Since this is Christmas time there is a special rule for getting in - you must have an ordinary object with you that you can interpret to represent Christmas."

The first man ...

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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

They all arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at them and says “In order to enter, you must present me with one item that reminds you of Christmas and gives you Christmas Spirit”

The men are confused, but the first one reaches into his pocket and takes out his keys. He says “the jingle...

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Christmas eve pet store purchase

A guy frantically runs to the pet store on christmas eve and go's up to the owner-

Guy - I'm needing a puppy for my wife for christmas. I know I've left it late but can you please help!?

Store Owner - sorry son. your shit out of luck it being christmas eve n all, the cute pets are all ...

I remember as a child, lying awake at night on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa to come...

...then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Why do Mexican families make tamales on Christmas Eve?

So the kids have something to unwrap on Christmas morning.

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A man is standing on top of the tallest building in the city on Christmas Eve.

A man is standing on top of the tallest building in the city on Christmas Eve. He's had enough of his life - his boss hates him no matter how hard he works, his wife has fallen out of love with him and he's completely in debt with the bank. He approaches the edge of the building, ready to end it all...

3 blokes died on christmas eve

they all get up to the pearly gates, saint peter said "sorry boys i cant let you in, unless you've got something christmassy on you" so he said to the scotsman "what have you got?" so he fiddled around and come out with a set of keys and rattled them, and said 'I've got a christmas bell" "in to heav...

A couple walked home on Christmas Eve in Soviet Russia when the weather turned bad

The wife said, "it's snowing!"
"No dear, it's raining," replied the husband.
They argued this as they walked until they came across a guard. After learning his name they asked, "Comrade Rudolph, is this snow or rain?"
"It's rain," he replied.
"See," said the husband, "Rudolph the Red...

We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve.

We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night'.

My dad is the meanest person in the world

On Christmas Eve, he fired his air gun in to the sky, and came back inside to tell me that Santa has committed suicide.

People need to stop pretending Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's a Christmas Eve movie.

Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying...

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

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An unexpected surprise for Santa

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa’s gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you k...

A couple were Christmas shopping at the Mall on Christmas Eve and the Mall was packed.

Walking through the Mall, the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere to be found and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

She used her mobile to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. The husband, in a calm voice, said, "Honey, do...

Santa’s Reindeer’s competition

In the days leading up until Christmas, all of Santa’s reindeer throw a party, with each reindeer throwing their own party on a different day. During the day before Christmas Eve, the elves, reindeer, and Claus’ would decide who threw the best party that year and there would be a prize.

The d...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

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BB'S In The Cookie Dough

(This is an older joke but one of my favorites)

Three children always go to their Grandmothers house for Christmas Eve.

Every Christmas Eve their Grandmother would prepare a big bowl of cookie dough that they would all bake cookies with on Christmas morning.

Yet every Christmas ...

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The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Sim...

What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas Eve!! :D


Sorry everyone. I no longer use FB so you have now inherited my yearly Christmas post.


Happy Holidays everyone :)

Angel on a Christmas Tree?

Long ago there was a very hectic day at the North Pole getting ready for Christmas Eve and Santa was having a tough time. It seemed nothing was going right and The Claus Man was stressed. So an Angel seeing this thought she would help and went down to a forest and brought back a great looking Christ...

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Concentration camp, December 24th 1940s

It's Christmas Eve 1940 and there is room full of Jews who are prisoners at a concentration camp. It's the holiday season and The commandant is in a particularly good mood so he goes to the room and opens the door.

"It's Christmas and I'm in a giving mood," he says, " I've decided to let you ...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.

Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate y...

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

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(NSFW) Learned this one when I was like 8 or 9.

A really hot woman stays up waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve. Just as she’s about to fall asleep she finally hears footsteps on the roof and seconds later, out pops Santa from the fireplace!

Hi Santa! Will you please stay? I put out cookies for you!

“Ho ho ho! Gotta go, gotta go! Got...

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

A Christmas tradition...

It was Christmas eve and Santa was in a really foul mood. The elves were on strike, Mrs. Claus was having one of her snit-fits, and the reindeer had gotten sick with dysentery and were tracking the results everywhere.

Just then, an angel appeared with a Christmas tree. "Hey, Santa! Where shou...

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An actor, a businessman and a redneck

An actor, a businessman and a redneck are sitting in a bar on Christmas eve. The actor says, "I got my wife the perfect gift. A dress and a diamond necklace. That way if she doesn't like dress she has a diamond necklace."

The business man says, "I got my wife a new sweater and a ring. That wa...

Let him Go!

There once was a man named Juan. Juan worked super hard for his family of four including his oldest daughter Navi. One year on Christmas Eve, Juan is illegally detained. Navi, being his activist daughter immediately rallied her friends. They met in front of the jail on Christmas Day and they all cha...

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