What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A cat-has-trophy.

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old rabbi wins the lottery

The man wins $3,000,000.00

A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house

She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"

The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family...

Australian Grandmaster wins big chess tournament, "so would you like the prize money as cash or..?" "check, mate"

Hey so I won a college chess tournament and are about to go into an Instagram live video with a talkative person(the host,lady) and the college chess coach "Dan" (friend of mine,older) . So what are some jokes I can do?

I'm thinking of..

Host:"so you've played a lot of chess huh?"
...

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something.

Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.



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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

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Think you can do better?

A circus came to town, places an ad for an animal trainer in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female. The offer could be for one, so the best performer wins the job.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared because she came to the inter...

A man is on vacation in Spain.

He stops at a local inn to stay and is having a drink down in the bar.

Once there he was challenged by the bartender to win a free meal and a drink. He needs only score higher on a trivia quiz against a very smart chicken.

Amused and figuring he couldn’t lose to a bird he accepts. Th...

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

The German women’s beach volleyball team plays against the Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team. Who wins?

The audience

What do you call a chess club bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?

Chessnuts boasting in an open foyer

They say quitters never win

So I’m gonna keep smoking

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wins the lottery

He goes to the bank to open a bank account so he can keep his money safe. He sees this lovely cashier lady, approaches her and says: "I fucking want to open a shitty account in this lame ass bank."

Cashier lady resents that and pretends that she didn't understand what he was saying and asks h...

A man is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and is at the million dollar question.

The question is "which of these birds doesn't build its own nest? a.the cuckoo b. the sparrow c. the eagle or d. the red-tailed hawk. He only has "phone a friend left", so he calls his friend and repeats the question. His friend immediately says it's the cuckoo. The guy asks if he's sure and he says...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus

The bartender, upon seeing the octopus, says "hey hey hey I run a respectable establishment here, no cephalopods allowed!"

The owner of the octopus says "no, wait, this is the most amazing octopus in the world, it can play any musical instrument known to man."

As fate would have it, th...

No matter who wins the election

Oklahoma will be OK

An American wins 2000 pounds gambling in Britain.

As he receives his winnings, all he can say is:

“That’s a ton of money”

If Trump wins I will start drinking again

If Biden wins I will start drinking again

The truth is I'm going to celebrate the end of 2020

Everyone is a “capitalist”

Until their friend wins the lottery.

If Trump wins a second term he will halt all shredded cheese production.

He is going to make Americans grate again . . .

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he

walks into a room people call him

'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his Cava Sangria, he noticed a sizzling, delicious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied: "Ah, Senor. You have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight today. A delicacy!"
The tourist said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me a...

A british person plays chess with an american,

The british person always wins. Why?


Their queen never dies.

A man wins a lottery worth 1 Million dollars.On the same day, his wife asks him what would you do with the money if I left you today?

He replied, "That's not possible, you cannot win 2 lotteries on the same day!"

Pragmatism wins!

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work.

They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said. “No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll...

A man wins big...

*pardon if this is a repost*

A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.

When he arrives, he asks his wife "Wha...

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Father, that is what you taught me

A world renown prostitute decided to make a "tournament". She was very experienced and very confident in her abilities. Anyone to just make her make as much as a sound during intercourse wins one million dollars. Men from all around the area lined up for a chance to win, no one succeeded.

Wo...

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