Winston Churchill Jokes

These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."


Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clem... read more

He was there to deliver a speech and to present at the dedication of a bust in his honour.

After his speech, an attractive and ample woman approached the wartime Prime Minister of England and said, "Mr. Churchill, I have travelled over a hundred miles for the unveiling of your bust."

C... read more

Shaw writes to Churchill: "I'm reserving you two tickets for my new play. Come with a friend (if you have one, that is)."

Churchill replies to Shaw: "I can't make the first performance. I'll make sure to watch the second performance (if you have one, that is)."

*This exchange has mad... read more

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ... read more

Women (to Winston Churchill): If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee.

WC: If you were my wife, I'd drink it!



This joke always makes me laugh.

He was close, but no cigar

"Sir, you are disgustingly drunk"

Churchill: "Madam, you are disgustingly ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober."

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's ... read more

The police have nothing to go on.

Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

Nowadays, history will be kind to me because I intend to delete it.

"Would you sleep with me for 1,000,000$?"

"YES!"

"How about 1$?"

"You pig, what kind of woman do you think I am????"

"We have already established that, we are now simply negotiating the price"

[ Attributed to various famous people in the past (including Winston Chu... read more

people would buy into it and take it seriously."

- Winston Churchill

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ... read more