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Champion Jokes

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

The World ‘Paper Tearing’ Champion has died .....

RIP!

A limbo champion walks into a bar

And then loses his title

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chess Champion

The reporter asked the reigning chess grandmaster "What do you do before your games ?"

"Well", said the champ, "I never have sex on the night before a big match"

"Does that help you concentrate? "

"I'm not sure" he sighed "I don't have sex any other night either".

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

Did you hear about the pole vault champion of North Korea?

He’s now the pole vault champion of South Korea.

The world champion in ventriloquism was murdered yesterday.

His scream was heard a mile away.

What do you call a champion boxer with flatulence?

Gaseous Clay

The world's crossword champion was buried today.

8 foot down and 3 foot across.

I have the heart of a champion, the brain of a genius

and the keys to the county morgue.

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died?

At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...

Have you heard about the champion of hide and seek?

Me Neither

A drunk man walks into a bar

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"


The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My frien...

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

My friend just became the World Champion in competitive origami.

He’s great at folding under pressure.

Why did the spelling bee champion go to the doctor?

Irregular vowel movements

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A world champion in grizzly bear hunting wanted to shoot a polar one

He's got yet another prize in USA for hunting grizzlies, proving he's the best there is. Doesn't matter how hard it would be to hunt one, he would track them and hunt them.

One day he wanted the challenge, and thought he would step up his game and hunt for polar bears. He's no expert in polar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Limbo champion went to the bathroom.

He left his drink on the table. Another competitor quietly whispered "Quick! Drug his drink with viagra!"

Farmer had a champion bull, it bred 200 times a year.

Farmers wife said, “200 times isn’t that wonderful dear,
“Maybe you oughta watch him, maybe he’ll show you how”.
Farmer said, “He’s a heck of a bull, but it wasn’t all with the same cow”

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

Did you hear about the World Crossword Puzzle Champion who died?

He was buried six feet down and three feet across.

Who is the REIGNING, DEFENDING and UNDISPUTED Social Distancing Champion of the World?

A whistleblower.

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The running champion says to his friend: "A thief ran away with my wallet!"

"And you couldn't catch up with him?"
"Of course I caught up with him, for a while I was comfortably leading, but when I looked back, the bastard was nowhere!"

What do you call a skeleton in a closet?

International hide and seek champion 1954

Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?

It was pretty bad. The first time he saluted, he almost killed himself!

How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

Apparently the former limbo world champion is now a homeless crack addict...

Just makes you think, how low can you go?

Did you hear about the Vietnamese brothers who became table tennis doubles champions?

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

After the chess tournament in Australia was over, the champion still walked away empty-handed.

When the judges went to hand him the prize, they said "Here's your check, mate."

A basketball champion in Paralympic walks into a bar

Wait a minute...

Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

Thomas finally gave up on his dream of being a champion after always vomiting at the National Spelling Bee

He’d always be known as an expeller now.

My partner asked how I got invited to the Archery Champions Ball.

I told her I had to pull a few strings.

My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our buddy Ty is now the state boxing champion.

People from China refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

I once knocked out a Champion Boxer...

I'm still banned from Crufts.

What was the pirate boxing champion known for?

His left hook.

Two facts interesting facts about me: 1) I once knocked out a champion boxer with a single punch

2) I'm now banned from Crufts.

Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?

Vowel-halla

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Did you hear about the Knock-knock joke champion?

He won the no bell prize.

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?

Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

The Hero reaches the champion and guard of the evil Emperor, and decides to say an epic line.

"My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperial. Can you say the same about you?"

To which the Imperial responds:

>!"No, I've never met your ancestors, why would they smile at me?"!<

I told my wife she should call me a champion bullrider...

Because I consistently last 8 seconds riding a horned animal.

Shakhter Karagandy (Celtic's Champions League opponents)

Apparently they've been given permission for their pre-match tradition of sacrificing a sheep, I'd like to see them progress given Celtic's pre-match tradition of sacrificing a Mars bar.

A baker gets caught stealing from the reigning champion the night before the Big Bake-off.

If you want to win, sometimes you got to take a whisk.

Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white?

The Heavy Weight World Champion belt will no longer be fashioned to look like a large watch.

They realized it was just a huge waist of time.

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

For the first time in their franchise history the Washington National’s are World Series champions

Scherzer threw his glove out of the way and everybody started crowding the mound, jumping up and down with pure joy. Man the expressions on their faces were completely Bryceless!

(OC) I saved up my money for years and finally bought a race horse. I wanted him to have a name befitting a champion. So I named him cancer.

Because cancer always wins.

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s no...

3 elderly football (soccer) fans walk into a church …

3 elderly football fans walk into a church. The first is a Liverpool fan, the second is a Tottenham fan and the third is an England fan. As they walk through the doors a bellowing voice greets them from above. It’s God and he exclaims “Welcome! I don’t do this often, but every now and then I like to...

Husband eats dog food

A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examination with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.

"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making thier foo...

My wife hasn't touched my genitals in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

I don't meant to brag,

but I'm the world champion in false modesty.

A blind man walks into a bar...

He finds a stool at the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

After a few sips he beckons for the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but before you do tell it, you should know there's a massive bodybuilding world champion sitting n...

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