A world tongue twister champion just got arrested

I heard they are going to give him a tough sentence

My friend just became the World Champion in competitive origami.

He’s great at folding under pressure.

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

A limbo champion walked into a bar.

He was disqualified.

My partner asked how I got invited to the Archery Champions Ball.

I told her I had to pull a few strings.

The world champion in ventriloquism was murdered yesterday.

His scream was heard a mile away.

A basketball champion in Paralympic walks into a bar

Wait a minute...

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

Apparently the former limbo world champion is now a homeless crack addict...

Just makes you think, how low can you go?

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

One of my dearest childhood friends is now a world champion wrestler

He’s so popular. Got sponsorship deals with Nike and Adidas. He’s even in talks with UFC! He’s touring the world and hanging out with celebrities. I’m so damned proud of him!!
Only thing is, I’ve been trying for months to get him to meet up for a drink, but he’s a hard man to pin down.

My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our buddy Ty is now the state boxing champion.

People from China refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

My life highlight was being crowned the hide and seek champion at my school, until they discovered I was cheating

I peaked early.

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

I've often wondered what my personal life would be lacking if I'd keep training and become a champion marksman…

…but I realised I wouldn't miss much

Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

My Russian dad told me to eat the breakfast of champions.....

......so I took a bunch of Steroids

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

Vince Lombardi once said "inches make champions"

My girlfriend likes to remind me that his statement is plural.

A baker gets caught stealing from the reigning champion the night before the Big Bake-off.

If you want to win, sometimes you got to take a whisk.

Did anybody hear about the karate champion who joined the army?

It was a disaster!

The first time he tried to salute, he nearly killed himself

Why did the Super Bowl Champions refuse to meet Trump at the White House?

Because they were Patriots.

The Heavy Weight World Champion belt will no longer be fashioned to look like a large watch.

They realized it was just a huge waist of time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess... in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like... what???...

A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess... in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like... what???...

He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a...

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died?

At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Free, no charges

Hi everyone!
A dear friend of mine has bought tickets to the UEFA Champions League final in Madrid on Saturday.
The problem is that he completely forgot that next Saturday is his wedding day, coz he bought the tickets few months before agreeing to the wedding.
Now he wants to know if anyone...

If Oscar Pistorius’s lower legs hadn’t been amputated

he would have been an un-de-feeted champion

Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white?

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

TIL that knitting ex champion Teresa Keller lost her title in 2011 just because she was kitting with a slightly different color.

Oops wrong thread.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World!

...If it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?

A horse walks into a bar

And thus ended his dream of becoming a champion showjumper.

Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?

Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.

What was the pirate boxing champion known for?

His left hook.

I once knocked out a Champion Boxer...

I'm still banned from Crufts.

I don't meant to brag,

but I'm the world champion in false modesty.

A farmer had a champion bull that bred 200 times a year.

His wife said "200 times? isn't that wonderful dear? maybe you ought to watch him, maybe he show you how."
the farmer said " oh he's a heck of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works. Makes the front page ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

I told my wife she should call me a champion bullrider...

Because I consistently last 8 seconds riding a horned animal.

Did you hear about the Knock-knock joke champion?

He won the no bell prize.

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims.
“Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says.
“Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, th...

Gary kasparov (chess master) was sitting next to me in a plane.

He wanted to play chess with me.
I was like " come on Gary, u r like this world champion player... U will beat me in less than 10 moves. "

Gary replied, " I'll play with my left hand"

" That sounds fair" I said. And we played.
I don't know how but Gary beat me in 7 moves. I was...

A Lawyer needs some time off, and he decides to go hunting...

He's in the woods, looking for sport fowl, and he's having no luck. All of a sudden, this glorious pheasant flies up out of the undergrowth, and flies high over the treeline. With careful aim, the lawyer pulls the trigger and BOOM, the pheasant drops like a stone, out of the edge of the woods, and t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

World Wrestling Championship. At the final are American and Japanese wrestlers.

Before the game, the American coach said:

- See John. I have not told you yet, but this Japanese is very strong and very corrupt. He has a favorite grip. If he applies it, everything is lost.

- No problem, trainer. I'll handle him somehow.

The fight begins. The wrestlers go out ...

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All the vowels are having a masturbation contest.

They're trying to prove who would last the longest in bed, so they decide to start by seeing who can last the longest by themselves. As they start, A finished within minutes, closely followed by O. Several more minutes pass, and U cant hold it any longer, climaxing. Y, deciding they didnt identify a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

leprechaun story

An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction.

“What are you making?” asks the golfer. “It smells wonderful.”

“This is a magic brew,” says the leprechaun. “If you drink it, you golf game wil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Getting to know each other

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nic...

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

The 1997 Hide n Seek champion.

Little bit of a read but funny

(Im from Louisiana and we usually use Boudreaux and Thibadeaux as our characters with our cajun accent but for joke purposes ill use tim and matt)
Tim and Matt went to see a wrestling match at a local arena. There was a famous wrestler in town called the Human Pretzel (due to his special move fol...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pedro competes in a milking contest

Pedro was the champion milker in all the towns. No one could milk as much as him. He had won all the annual milking competitions for miles around.

This year also people expect Pedro to win. Frankly, there is more debate about the second and third places.

After the contest everyone is ...

The Rhyming Competition

The was a very classy rhyming competition and after a long day of working through the brackets there were only two contestants left.
While his opponent waited in a sound-proof room backstage, the defending champion takes the podium. His name is Preston Hughs, a scholar, gentleman, and has many of...

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat…..

One day, the horse became very ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: "Well, your horse has a virus.
He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him to sleep."

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar, without know its a lesbian bar, and says to the bartender:

"I have the world's best blonde joke. You wanna hear it?"

The bartender says "Hey, just so you know, I'm the world champion in wrestling. The girl next to you is the world champion in taekwondo an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

The people of Pompeii...

Mannequin challenge champions since 79AD.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Internet recipe competition

There was a new competition for people to post their favorite recipes and the prize for the winner was to be featured on the front page of the local newspaper and the town website.

In an effort to save time and effort, the participants were told to submit these recipes online.

People ...

[NSFW] A knight won a jousting tournament

The princess hosting the tournament said "For winning the joust, I shall reward you according to how your name sounds"

The knight replied "Are you sure milady?"

The princess answered "Of course! The previous winner, Silvers Crowne was granted a silver crown like what his name sounds. N...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend is a car collector. [original]

My friend is a car collector. He has a huge garage full of beautiful cars from all around the world.
He invited me round to see the collection so it was a weekend afternoon I went over.
Some were preserved in their original condition but some have been modified by their owners.

The firs...

US Open...

So there was this golfer that entered the prestigious US open....it was the final day after a harrowing close couple of rounds he was on the final hole, the final putt....It all hinged on this putt...if he made it he would be the champion!!
He was lining up his putt and looking at the grass when ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Horse and Donkey

A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and hit it off, the horse invites the donkey back to his place, they go back and all around the walls are pictures of the horse winning the derby, the Guineas, the oaks etc etc. So anyway they have a bang and the horse suggests going to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the landlord, “What’s this about then?”

The landlord replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own in fact. Take a sip and it’ll magically ...

I have a boat that beats all other boats in races...

... It's a champion ship.

What's another name for skeletons in the closet?

Hide and seek champions.

[Long]Two men sitting at a bar, one asks the other "Do you want to hear a blonde joke"?

The other guy says "Yeah sure, I could do with a laugh".

The first guy is just about to start when he is tapped on the shoulder, and turns round to see three bulked up blondes. The one who tapped him on the shoulder says to him :

"I am the worlds premier female bodybuilder, and a blond...

A New TV Show

In a new TV show, they brought in some random dancing groups from around the world to represent their continent. Every group from each continent would compete for ratings against the other groups from their same continent, until only one group from each continent was left. Then the remaining groups ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A competition between France, England, and Mexico

There was to be a contest between 3 countries to see who has the largest gorilla.

France was up first, so the Prime Minister went up to the podium and told the audience, "Our Gorilla is so big, when it raises its arms, he can touch airplanes in the sky.

The crowd amazed, thinking no c...

How did my son win a Turban at school today?

He was the champion of Hide and go Sikh

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My colleague at work said I'm a gullible twat.

Who am I to argue with the current WWE champion?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Guy and His Turtle Walk Into a Bar...

And he sees another guy sitting at the bar with his pet greyhound. So he walks over to the guy and says "I bet you fifty bucks my turtle can beat your greyhound in a race to the other side of the bar". The guy looks at his pure-bred, muscular champion of a dog - then he looks at buddy's turtle - wit...

My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district

Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County "

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.

A long time ago there was a small jewish commu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Woman: "Master why is it when a women sleeps with many men she is called a slut"...

"But when a man sleeps with many women he is considered a champion".
The master looks at the woman and responds: "a door that can be opened with any key is Useless, But a key that can open many doors is a Master Key".

M&Ms

Sometimes whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two M&Ms in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one M&M cracks, I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab another M&M and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly ...

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