I have the heart of a champion, the brain of a genius

and the keys to the county morgue.

A drunk man walks into a bar

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"


The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My frien...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

World tounge-twisting champion was just arrested.

It is expected that he will be given a really tough sentence.

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

Farmer had a champion bull, it bred 200 times a year.

Farmers wife said, “200 times isn’t that wonderful dear,
“Maybe you oughta watch him, maybe he’ll show you how”.
Farmer said, “He’s a heck of a bull, but it wasn’t all with the same cow”

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

My wife hasn't touched my genitals in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

The world's crossword champion was buried today.

8 foot down and 3 foot across.

Did you hear about the Vietnamese brothers who became table tennis doubles champions?

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

A limbo champion walks into a bar

She‘s immediately disqualified

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A world champion in grizzly bear hunting wanted to shoot a polar one

He's got yet another prize in USA for hunting grizzlies, proving he's the best there is. Doesn't matter how hard it would be to hunt one, he would track them and hunt them.

One day he wanted the challenge, and thought he would step up his game and hunt for polar bears. He's no expert in polar...

The World ‘Paper Tearing’ Champion has died .....

RIP!

I once entered a weather pun competition

I beat the raining champion.

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The running champion says to his friend: "A thief ran away with my wallet!"

"And you couldn't catch up with him?"
"Of course I caught up with him, for a while I was comfortably leading, but when I looked back, the bastard was nowhere!"

After the chess tournament in Australia was over, the champion still walked away empty-handed.

When the judges went to hand him the prize, they said "Here's your check, mate."

Two facts interesting facts about me: 1) I once knocked out a champion boxer with a single punch

2) I'm now banned from Crufts.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

Who is the REIGNING, DEFENDING and UNDISPUTED Social Distancing Champion of the World?

A whistleblower.

Thomas finally gave up on his dream of being a champion after always vomiting at the National Spelling Bee

He’d always be known as an expeller now.

Have you heard about the champion of hide and seek?

Me Neither

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

Why did the spelling bee champion go to the doctor?

Irregular vowel movements

The world champion in ventriloquism was murdered yesterday.

His scream was heard a mile away.

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

Did you hear about the World Crossword Puzzle Champion who died?

He was buried six feet down and three feet across.

How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

My friend just became the World Champion in competitive origami.

He’s great at folding under pressure.

My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our buddy Ty is now the state boxing champion.

People from China refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?

It was pretty bad. The first time he saluted, he almost killed himself!

Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?

Vowel-halla

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

My partner asked how I got invited to the Archery Champions Ball.

I told her I had to pull a few strings.

For the first time in their franchise history the Washington National’s are World Series champions

Scherzer threw his glove out of the way and everybody started crowding the mound, jumping up and down with pure joy. Man the expressions on their faces were completely Bryceless!

1978: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2005: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2018: UK's prince marries, Liverpool is in the Champions League final, and the Pope is cheering for Real Madrid like a madman.

Apparently the former limbo world champion is now a homeless crack addict...

Just makes you think, how low can you go?

The Hero reaches the champion and guard of the evil Emperor, and decides to say an epic line.

"My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperial. Can you say the same about you?"

To which the Imperial responds:

>!"No, I've never met your ancestors, why would they smile at me?"!<

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died?

At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...

A basketball champion in Paralympic walks into a bar

Wait a minute...

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

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Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

Vince Lombardi once said "inches make champions"

My girlfriend likes to remind me that his statement is plural.

Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white?

My Russian dad told me to eat the breakfast of champions.....

......so I took a bunch of Steroids

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

I’m the undefeated champion of water fights in my neighbourhood.

Nothing beats the kettle

What was the pirate boxing champion known for?

His left hook.

Once there was champion of all candles. Undefeated by all challengers, it was thought to be invincible. When suddenly, at the peak of it's powers, it was found melted to a mere puddle. There was outrage; cries of conspiracy, murder...

Really, I think it just met its match.

A baker gets caught stealing from the reigning champion the night before the Big Bake-off.

If you want to win, sometimes you got to take a whisk.

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This one is for my chess friends...

Two chess masters are friends for many years and one of them dies.

After a week he shows up in the others dream and he tells him that he has news, good ones and bad ones.

The guy is ecstatic about seeing his friend, and asks what the news were.

He answers: It is wonderful up he...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "...

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago under the wrestling name ‘Paperman’.

I failed to get in though.

At the time Dwayne Johnson was the champion, and the bosses didn’t want me beating him.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

The Heavy Weight World Champion belt will no longer be fashioned to look like a large watch.

They realized it was just a huge waist of time.

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?

Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

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Oh.. those Marines!

*A Marine walks into a bar and notices a Jar on the counter top with money in it.*

**Marine**: "This is new, what's it for?"

**Bartender**: "Its for our weekly challenge"

**Marine**: "Oh I love challenges, what is it for this week?"

**Bartender**: "Oh this one is a specia...

Did you hear about the Knock-knock joke champion?

He won the no bell prize.

I told my wife she should call me a champion bullrider...

Because I consistently last 8 seconds riding a horned animal.

What do you call a competition for computers?

A ChampionChip

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All the vowels are having a masturbation contest.

They're trying to prove who would last the longest in bed, so they decide to start by seeing who can last the longest by themselves.

As they start, A finished within minutes, closely followed by O. Several more minutes pass, and U cant hold it any longer, climaxing. Y, deciding they didnt ide...

Shakhter Karagandy (Celtic's Champions League opponents)

Apparently they've been given permission for their pre-match tradition of sacrificing a sheep, I'd like to see them progress given Celtic's pre-match tradition of sacrificing a Mars bar.

Congratulations 2020 graduating class

Reigning senior skip day champions!

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A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

A blind man walks into a bar

He makes his way to the front, takes a seat and says to the bartender:
"You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
To which the bar tender replies:
"Mate, im blonde, and over there we have the world wrestling champion and he is blonde, on the other side of the room we have the womans boxing world cha...

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A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s no...

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Three guys participate in an annual contest of monkey breeding..

The rules are simple, each participant have an intercourse with a monkey, who can make the monkey give birth to most baby monkeys, wins.

Number three is the last 3 years champion and a natural favorite. Everybody bets their money on him.

First guy gets in an spends 4 hours with the mon...

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