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I defeated our local chess champion in less than three moves ...

Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

Did you hear about the pole vault champion of North Korea?

He’s now the pole vault champion of South Korea.

The World ‘Paper Tearing’ Champion has died .....

RIP!

A limbo champion walks into a bar

They were disqualified

What do you call a champion boxer with flatulence?

Gaseous Clay

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A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

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Chess Champion

The reporter asked the reigning chess grandmaster "What do you do before your games ?"

"Well", said the champ, "I never have sex on the night before a big match"

"Does that help you concentrate? "

"I'm not sure" he sighed "I don't have sex any other night either".

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

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The Pretzel Hold

An American wrestler is competing in the Olympics and is slated to go up against Ivan Bortski, the Russian champ. Coach pulls him aside and says, "Listen this is Bortski the champion. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the Pretzel Hold, his most famous move. You won't win if he gets you in...

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

I have the heart of a champion, the brain of a genius

and the keys to the county morgue.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

The world's crossword champion was buried today.

8 foot down and 3 foot across.

A blind man walks into a bar...

He finds a stool at the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

After a few sips he beckons for the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but before you do tell it, you should know there's a massive bodybuilding world champion sitting n...

Farmer had a champion bull, it bred 200 times a year.

Farmers wife said, “200 times isn’t that wonderful dear,
“Maybe you oughta watch him, maybe he’ll show you how”.
Farmer said, “He’s a heck of a bull, but it wasn’t all with the same cow”

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A world champion in grizzly bear hunting wanted to shoot a polar one

He's got yet another prize in USA for hunting grizzlies, proving he's the best there is. Doesn't matter how hard it would be to hunt one, he would track them and hunt them.

One day he wanted the challenge, and thought he would step up his game and hunt for polar bears. He's no expert in polar...

The world champion in ventriloquism was murdered yesterday.

His scream was heard a mile away.

Did you hear about the Vietnamese brothers who became table tennis doubles champions?

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

Have you heard about the champion of hide and seek?

Me Neither

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

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The running champion says to his friend: "A thief ran away with my wallet!"

"And you couldn't catch up with him?"
"Of course I caught up with him, for a while I was comfortably leading, but when I looked back, the bastard was nowhere!"

A drunk man walks into a bar

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"


The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My frien...

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

Two facts interesting facts about me: 1) I once knocked out a champion boxer with a single punch

2) I'm now banned from Crufts.

After the chess tournament in Australia was over, the champion still walked away empty-handed.

When the judges went to hand him the prize, they said "Here's your check, mate."

Why did the spelling bee champion go to the doctor?

Irregular vowel movements

I went to lunch with a champion chess player.

It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

Who is the REIGNING, DEFENDING and UNDISPUTED Social Distancing Champion of the World?

A whistleblower.

Thomas finally gave up on his dream of being a champion after always vomiting at the National Spelling Bee

He’d always be known as an expeller now.

My friend just became the World Champion in competitive origami.

He’s great at folding under pressure.

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3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

Did you hear about the World Crossword Puzzle Champion who died?

He was buried six feet down and three feet across.

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our buddy Ty is now the state boxing champion.

People from China refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died?

At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...

Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?

It was pretty bad. The first time he saluted, he almost killed himself!

Apparently the former limbo world champion is now a homeless crack addict...

Just makes you think, how low can you go?

The farmer who had a horse and a goat.

This Will Blow Your Mind.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to ...

What do you call a blonde in a closet?

Last year's hide and seek champion.

This Lady had a show dog,

It was a purebred Schnauzer from a champion blood line. All of her time and money went into taking care of this dog. The only problem, she always gets second place. Every dog show, second place.
Well, she’s at the Westminster dog show, the biggest in the world and again, she gets second place!...

My partner asked how I got invited to the Archery Champions Ball.

I told her I had to pull a few strings.

1978: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2005: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2018: UK's prince marries, Liverpool is in the Champions League final, and the Pope is cheering for Real Madrid like a madman.

The Hero reaches the champion and guard of the evil Emperor, and decides to say an epic line.

"My ancestors are smiling at me, Imperial. Can you say the same about you?"

To which the Imperial responds:

>!"No, I've never met your ancestors, why would they smile at me?"!<

My wife hasn't touched my genitals in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white?

Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?

Vowel-halla

A basketball champion in Paralympic walks into a bar

Wait a minute...

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

What was the pirate boxing champion known for?

His left hook.

Have you heard of the golf champion who always got under par?

You should. There are signs everywhere advertising the "no par king".

For the first time in their franchise history the Washington National’s are World Series champions

Scherzer threw his glove out of the way and everybody started crowding the mound, jumping up and down with pure joy. Man the expressions on their faces were completely Bryceless!

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

I’m the undefeated champion of water fights in my neighbourhood.

Nothing beats the kettle

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

A baker gets caught stealing from the reigning champion the night before the Big Bake-off.

If you want to win, sometimes you got to take a whisk.

The Heavy Weight World Champion belt will no longer be fashioned to look like a large watch.

They realized it was just a huge waist of time.

Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?

Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.

A man in the gulag

He heard about the world chess championship match ended recently, but no one there knows the result. When a load of new prisoners arrived, he asked one of them:
- Do you know the result of the world champion match?
- Yes, I lost

I once entered a weather pun competition

I beat the raining champion.

My Russian dad told me to eat the breakfast of champions.....

......so I took a bunch of Steroids

I told my wife she should call me a champion bullrider...

Because I consistently last 8 seconds riding a horned animal.

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