How does a blind parachutist know when he's near the ground?

The lead on his guide dog goes slack.

My friend keeps saying cheer up it could be worse you could be in a hole in the ground full of water

I know he means well

What’s the difference between an Islamic wedding and an ISIS training ground?

I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

Why can't you run through a camp ground?

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Did you hear about the guy that fell into the big hole in the ground with water at the bootom?

He couldn't see that well

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

Numerous people in Africa are falling ill due to a lack of clean water above ground

I hope they 'get well soon.'

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

At the ISIS training ground

Director: All right, I am going to show you how to perform a successful suicide bombing

Director: Watch carefully, because I only going to show you this once

I don’t know why all these countries are ordering to ground the Boeing 737 max

They literally ground themselves

What sound does a 747 make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

I saw a very attractive guy spank his child after he threw his fries on the ground

I also threw my fries on the ground.

Guy walks into a bar, orders 2 shots. Dumps one on the ground.

Bartender asks who it was for. Guy replies "my unborn child"
"Sorry to hear man, what happened?" Asked the bartender.
Guy looked him square in the eye "dried up in a sock."

A college professor was very worried about his recent study on earthquakes.

It turns out his findings were on shaky ground.

The coffin of a parking officer was being lowered into the ground

All of a sudden a voice from inside the coffin screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

I found this little baby eagle on the ground and it looked like it was sick.

I thought about taking it to the vet, but I didn't pick it up because it's ill eagle.

Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No, you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when...

What do you call a gem 6ft under the ground?

My grandmother.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a dwarf whose testicles touch the ground?

Dragon Balls.

If a cow with no legs is ground beef and a cow with three legs is lean beef. What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your momma

TIL about a ground breaking invention that's shaking the construction industry

It's called the jackhammer

How long does it take a cross dresser to get to the ground if they jump out of a plane?

Depends on the drag coefficient

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

Got my coffee this morning, full of grounds, ugh.

\#noFilter

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

Batman lay battered and bruised on the ground as the joker walked off basking in his victory

Robin approaches Batman and kicks him!

Batman: “why did you do that?”

Robin: “looked like you could use a side kick!”

A pioneer in a wagon was on a trail heading west when he came across an Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground

He stops perplexed at the sight. And he hears the Indian speak slowly and softly.

"Settlers, covered wagon, man, woman, two children, a dog with a limp."

Amazed, the pioneer said, "You can tell all of that just by putting your head to the ground."

"No," said the Indian. "They ...

While in California, I wanted to enjoy breakfast at Mission Beach and some guy just threw my waffle on the ground.

I hate sandy Eggo.

How long does it take for you to hit the ground after slipping on a banana peel?

One banano-second.

A large wooden stake in the ground

(This post has been removed because it might cause a fence.)

What snaps, crackles and pops when you throw them on the ground?

The elderly.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and little girl are in the play ground playing when suddenly

The little girl stops lifts her dress and says “you see that?”

The little boy responds “yes”

She says “that’s a vagina. What do you have?”

The little boy stands up and opens his pants and says “ I am not sure, just this dangling thing”

“ Well, what’s called?” She asks. <...

What is the common ground between an Ak-47 and bubblegum?

When you pull it out in class everybody wants to be your friend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

My friend Nick is known as the grill master amongst us, but his ground burgers are undeniably the best.

He's got a real Nick knack patty whack!

A cowboy is riding along when he comes across a Indian with his ear to the ground

The cowboy wonders what the Indian is doing, but before he can ask, the Indian says, "A wagon came through here four hours ago."

&#x200B;

"That's amazing!" the cowboy exclaimed.

&#x200B;

"It was carrying a family of a husband, wife, and two little girls, travellin...

The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground.

"This is a bad sign" they remark.

Two best friend olives are rolling around on the ground.

As they are rolling and playing one of the olives get squished. In complete shock the one olive says, "are you okay?!?" The squished friend says, "olive!"

Due to growing environmentalist concerns, Germany and Austria decided to limit the amount of ores and minerals they were extracting from the ground.

They said, "Mine fewer!"

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

Shovels were a ground breaking invention...

But dumbbells were an uplifting one.

I was walking with my friend today and we saw some money on the ground

I pointed it out to him but he didn’t pick it up. I looked at him and said “at least pick it up man, it’s common cents.”

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

A man is walking in the forest and finds a GIANT hole in the ground...

Wanting to see how deep it is, he finds a small stone and throws it in

He listens for it to land but doesn’t hear anything...

“Geez that’s deep” he thinks, and begins looking for for an even bigger stone to try with

He finds a good sized boulder and tosses it in..

Once ag...

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Doesn't matter.

I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor

He was condescending.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."

&#x200B;

The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:

&#x200B;

"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do n...

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."

"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.

"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.

The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"

"Yeah she owns half ...

When arguing, never throw dirt at your opponent

All you do is lose ground

Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.

I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.

Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"

"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"





**Bang**



"Okay, what do I do now?"

If a plane tries to land but can't deploy its wheels, what sound does it make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing

A Big Hole In The Ground

These two men are walking through the woods one day and they come across a big hole in the ground. Now this hole is huge, like some sort of endless pit. So the one man says to the other, “I wonder how deep this hole is?”

He then proceeds to pick up a rock and toss it in the humongous hole. Th...

One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground.

Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.

I was filling up my car and fuel leaked onto the ground in the shape of "HA."

Guess someone knew I needed some laughing gas.

How do you burn an entire country to the ground?

Keep putting water on a Greece fire.

&nbsp;

*Too soon?*

Why are lawyers buried 15 feet deep in the ground when they die?

Because deep down they are good people.

I heard that someone dropped their scrabble letters on the ground

At least... that’s the word on the street

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two cowboys, Bill and Jim, are riding out when they see a pile of horseshit on the ground

"I bet you ten bucks you can't eat that pile of horseshit, Jim", says Bill, being a joking kind of a guy.

However Jim, being helluva tough guy, answers the bet and eats the pile of shit. Bill reluctantly give him the well-earned $10.

Still, Jim is somewhat upset after eating a pile of ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just saw 2 guys trying to rob this old man. The old man was trying to stand his ground and things were getting violent so I thought I’d lend a hand...

We fucken beat his ass he didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us

Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground?

He didn't pay a tension.

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

It has been reported that there is a hole in the ground.

We are currently looking into it.

A man is jogging along the road when he find an absolutely pristine tennis ball on the ground.

It doesn't seem to belong to anyone. So he picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
While waiting at a cross walk another man notices the bulge and asks "What is that?"
"A tennis ball" he replies.
"Oh, that must hurt a lot! I once had a Tennis Elbow"

Hostile ground

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

My dad lifted me off of the ground.

Me: “Put me down.”

Dad: “You’re stupid.”

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft

Today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

A criminal was pushed on to the ground

he *felon* his ass

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he'...

An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.

I just realized that shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

*Ba-dum-tss*

Why did the flying cows decide to come back to the ground?

The steaks were too high.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, hammered into the ground, again?

Repost.

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So the other day while I was watching porn the male porn star fell on the ground while changing positions...

I never laughed so hard.

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

My girlfriend: “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”

“Good idea,” I said, “We can cover more ground that way.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

*Puts arm around friend* "What's the different between an asshole and a hole in the ground?"

"You can't put your arm around a hole in the ground."

A woman golfer walks up to a grounds keeper..

A woman golfer walks up to a grounds keeper and says, "I just got stung by a bee!" "Where at??" Asks the grounds keeper. "Between the first and second hole." Replied the woman. The grounds keeper looks her up and down and says, "Well, It sounds like your stance is too wide."


Credit: I ...