[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

I don’t know why all these countries are ordering to ground the Boeing 737 max

They literally ground themselves

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

The coffin of a parking officer was being lowered into the ground

All of a sudden a voice from inside the coffin screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

I found this little baby eagle on the ground and it looked like it was sick.

I thought about taking it to the vet, but I didn't pick it up because it's ill eagle.

Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No, you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when...

The other day, I found a $20 bill lying on the ground in the street. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I asked myself: “what would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

If a cow with no legs is ground beef and a cow with three legs is lean beef. What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your momma

Why did the myopic man fell in the hole in the ground?

Cuz, he didn't see that Well

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

I saw a very attractive guy spank his child after he threw his fries on the ground

I also threw my fries on the ground.

TIL about a ground breaking invention that's shaking the construction industry

It's called the jackhammer

Batman lay battered and bruised on the ground as the joker walked off basking in his victory

Robin approaches Batman and kicks him!

Batman: “why did you do that?”

Robin: “looked like you could use a side kick!”

How long does it take a cross dresser to get to the ground if they jump out of a plane?

Depends on the drag coefficient

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Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

Got my coffee this morning, full of grounds, ugh.

\#noFilter

A pioneer in a wagon was on a trail heading west when he came across an Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground

He stops perplexed at the sight. And he hears the Indian speak slowly and softly.

"Settlers, covered wagon, man, woman, two children, a dog with a limp."

Amazed, the pioneer said, "You can tell all of that just by putting your head to the ground."

"No," said the Indian. "They ...

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

There was 4 inches of snow on the ground,

and the road crews were out in full force. One guy driving a snowplow noticed a car following him no matter how many turns he made. After about 30 minutes he pulled over and asked the driver why she was following him. She said that her husband told her that if she ever got caught out in the snow to ...

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What do you call a dwarf whose testicles touch the ground?

Dragon Balls.

While in California, I wanted to enjoy breakfast at Mission Beach and some guy just threw my waffle on the ground.

I hate sandy Eggo.

My friend Nick is known as the grill master amongst us, but his ground burgers are undeniably the best.

He's got a real Nick knack patty whack!

How long does it take for you to hit the ground after slipping on a banana peel?

One banano-second.

What snaps, crackles and pops when you throw them on the ground?

The elderly.

The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground.

"This is a bad sign" they remark.

A cowboy is riding along when he comes across a Indian with his ear to the ground

The cowboy wonders what the Indian is doing, but before he can ask, the Indian says, "A wagon came through here four hours ago."

​

"That's amazing!" the cowboy exclaimed.

​

"It was carrying a family of a husband, wife, and two little girls, travellin...

Two best friend olives are rolling around on the ground.

As they are rolling and playing one of the olives get squished. In complete shock the one olive says, "are you okay?!?" The squished friend says, "olive!"

A large wooden stake in the ground

(This post has been removed because it might cause a fence.)

Due to growing environmentalist concerns, Germany and Austria decided to limit the amount of ores and minerals they were extracting from the ground.

They said, "Mine fewer!"

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

Shovels were a ground breaking invention...

But dumbbells were an uplifting one.

I was walking with my friend today and we saw some money on the ground

I pointed it out to him but he didn’t pick it up. I looked at him and said “at least pick it up man, it’s common cents.”

I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor

He was condescending.

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Doesn't matter.

A man is walking in the forest and finds a GIANT hole in the ground...

Wanting to see how deep it is, he finds a small stone and throws it in

He listens for it to land but doesn’t hear anything...

“Geez that’s deep” he thinks, and begins looking for for an even bigger stone to try with

He finds a good sized boulder and tosses it in..

Once ag...

What is the common ground between an Ak-47 and bubblegum?

When you pull it out in class everybody wants to be your friend.

If a plane tries to land but can't deploy its wheels, what sound does it make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing

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A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."

​

The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:

​

"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do n...

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

When arguing, never throw dirt at your opponent

All you do is lose ground

Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.

I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.

A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."

"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.

"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.

The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"

"Yeah she owns half ...

Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground?

He didn't pay a tension.

A Big Hole In The Ground

These two men are walking through the woods one day and they come across a big hole in the ground. Now this hole is huge, like some sort of endless pit. So the one man says to the other, “I wonder how deep this hole is?”

He then proceeds to pick up a rock and toss it in the humongous hole. Th...

One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground.

Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.

Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"

"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"





**Bang**



"Okay, what do I do now?"

I heard that someone dropped their scrabble letters on the ground

At least... that’s the word on the street

How do you burn an entire country to the ground?

Keep putting water on a Greece fire.

 

*Too soon?*

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Two cowboys, Bill and Jim, are riding out when they see a pile of horseshit on the ground

"I bet you ten bucks you can't eat that pile of horseshit, Jim", says Bill, being a joking kind of a guy.

However Jim, being helluva tough guy, answers the bet and eats the pile of shit. Bill reluctantly give him the well-earned $10.

Still, Jim is somewhat upset after eating a pile of ...

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I just saw 2 guys trying to rob this old man. The old man was trying to stand his ground and things were getting violent so I thought I’d lend a hand...

We fucken beat his ass he didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

Why are lawyers buried 15 feet deep in the ground when they die?

Because deep down they are good people.

I was filling up my car and fuel leaked onto the ground in the shape of "HA."

Guess someone knew I needed some laughing gas.

A man is jogging along the road when he find an absolutely pristine tennis ball on the ground.

It doesn't seem to belong to anyone. So he picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
While waiting at a cross walk another man notices the bulge and asks "What is that?"
"A tennis ball" he replies.
"Oh, that must hurt a lot! I once had a Tennis Elbow"

My dad lifted me off of the ground.

Me: “Put me down.”

Dad: “You’re stupid.”

It has been reported that there is a hole in the ground.

We are currently looking into it.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft

Today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

A criminal was pushed on to the ground

he *felon* his ass

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he'...

Why did the flying cows decide to come back to the ground?

The steaks were too high.

Hostile ground

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, hammered into the ground, again?

Repost.

I just realized that shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

*Ba-dum-tss*

You can't run through a camp ground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

My girlfriend: “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”

“Good idea,” I said, “We can cover more ground that way.”

An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm sorry Mickey, I'm afraid I can't grant you divorce on the grounds that Minnie is mentally unstable...

"Mentally unstable?! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

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*Puts arm around friend* "What's the different between an asshole and a hole in the ground?"

"You can't put your arm around a hole in the ground."

So a priest, an imam, and a rabbi find a bag of money laying on the ground

They all decide that they should take but can’t decide how much to give to god and how much to keep for themselves.

The priest says”We should draw a circle on the ground and throw the money in the air, whatever lands inside the circle goes to god and whatever lands outside goes to us”
...

A woman golfer walks up to a grounds keeper..

A woman golfer walks up to a grounds keeper and says, "I just got stung by a bee!" "Where at??" Asks the grounds keeper. "Between the first and second hole." Replied the woman. The grounds keeper looks her up and down and says, "Well, It sounds like your stance is too wide."


Credit: I ...

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A guy is sitting on the ground crying.

A stranger asks him what's wrong. He points to a bridge and says "see that bridge? I built that. But do they call me Joe the Builder? Nooo" and then points to a mural and says "I also made that graffiti mural. But they don't call me Joe the Artist." He started crying again. "But you fuck one sheep--...

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

If you're ever being chased by a bear or a cougar, quickly lay on the ground for 5 seconds.

Have you ever heard of the 5 second rule?

Why did the pirate’s mother ground him?

His report card had 7 C’s

How do the blind know when they're reaching the ground on a parachute jump?

The leash goes slack