I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

TIL The higher you drop a piano, the higher the note that plays when the piano hits the ground

For example, drop it all the way down a mine shaft and it'll hit A minor

When will people stop eating ground pork?

When pigs fly.

What sound does a 747 make when it hits the ground?

Boeing, boeing

Every recipe for meatballs I find says to crack open a couple of eggs into some ground beef.

I guess that's why the two yolk is always in the cow mince

Man in a hotel bar bets a man that the updrafts on the side of the tall building he can jump off the roof and safely land on the ground, softly...

The other guy says laughs it off, and the first guy says, "tell'em barkeep!"

Bartender sighs, "I've seen him do it."

Second man is rightly confused, but intrigued.

Five minutes later, he watches the man jump off, and last second slows and settles to the ground. He's in shock. W...

Today I made an in depth presentation about ground breaking research on bad effects of the two legged posture in humans

It was well received. In fact they even gave me a standing ovation.

Tonto puts his head to the ground....

...and says: "Buffalo come".

Lone Ranger: "How do you Know?"

Tonto: "Face Sticky.."

Did you hear the story about the 3 holes in the ground?

Well, well, well...

What do you call it when you dropped your mobile in a deep hole in the ground?

Digital well-being.

Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground?

He didn't pay a tension.

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

My wife said my obsession with everything Muppets had put our relationship on fragile ground.

I took her hands in mine, looked her straight in the eyes and said, “Oh sweetheart, it’s *’down in Fraggle Rock.’*”

A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster

A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster.

There was a crowd watching two fencers trade blows.

The first fencer performed an attack and the crowd gasped.

The king, who isn't into the sport, asked his swordmaster about the move.

"That's what you'd call ...

What do you say when you come across three holes in the ground?

Well well well...

Fun fact: members of the equine family can send messages to each other by stamping the ground in distinct patterns.

It's their Horse Code.

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Someone told me opium was made out of ground rooster beaks.

But that's poppycock.

A man was walking along the road when he saw a Native American with his ears to the ground, muttering words.

The man walked over and listened to what the Native American was saying.


The Native American was muttering: "Big minivan, blue Honda, man driving with dog, Colorado license plate, travel 125 mile a hour."



The man was surprised and asked the Native American how he knows th...

How does a blind parachutist know when he's near the ground?

The lead on his guide dog goes slack.

What sound does a sheep, drum, and snake make when they hit the ground?

Baa Dum Tss

Why can't you run through a camp ground?

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

A man called the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted. He was accidentally connected to the Lord's Cricket Ground.

"So how did it go ?", he asked.

The person on the other side of the line said, "We've got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

How do you ground a gen z?

Make them go outside and socialize.

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So a man is in the waiting room for his therapist. He is lying on the ground, and has a jar of planters peanuts. He sticks is penis is the peanuts and is getting it on. The Therapist walks out and says "What the hell are you doing?"

He says "Cant you see I'm fucking nuts?"

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and an antivaxx adult find a $100 bill on the ground, who picks it up?

The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

Will the Supreme Court ban epilepsy on 4th Amendment grounds?

It violates the right to be free from unreasonable seizures

I mean being born on solid ground must be a really scary ordeal... terrifying...but imagine being born in the ocean...

now that's waterfying.

A friend of mine can float one inch off the ground when he drinks Jack Daniels.

He’s a bourbon legend.

My friend keeps saying cheer up it could be worse you could be in a hole in the ground full of water

I know he means well

What lies on the ground, 100 feet up in the air?

A dead centipede.

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

Did you hear about the guy that fell into the big hole in the ground with water at the bootom?

He couldn't see that well

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is only 3cm

From the ground

I ground up the stems of some plants to spray all over the lisp convention next week.

They're gonna be pithed.

I just found a packet of Hubbell lubricant laying on the ground..

It must be for when you get Space Jammed.

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

My company just installed an elevator that labels the ground floor as "2" and goes up from there.

It's wrong on so many levels.

Numerous people in Africa are falling ill due to a lack of clean water above ground

I hope they 'get well soon.'

I don’t know why all these countries are ordering to ground the Boeing 737 max

They literally ground themselves

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No, you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when...

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

At the ISIS training ground

Director: All right, I am going to show you how to perform a successful suicide bombing

Director: Watch carefully, because I only going to show you this once

What do you call a gem 6ft under the ground?

My grandmother.

I found this little baby eagle on the ground and it looked like it was sick.

I thought about taking it to the vet, but I didn't pick it up because it's ill eagle.

Guy walks into a bar, orders 2 shots. Dumps one on the ground.

Bartender asks who it was for. Guy replies "my unborn child"
"Sorry to hear man, what happened?" Asked the bartender.
Guy looked him square in the eye "dried up in a sock."

The coffin of a parking officer was being lowered into the ground

All of a sudden a voice from inside the coffin screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a dwarf whose testicles touch the ground?

Dragon Balls.

If a cow with no legs is ground beef and a cow with three legs is lean beef. What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your momma

Batman lay battered and bruised on the ground as the joker walked off basking in his victory

Robin approaches Batman and kicks him!

Batman: “why did you do that?”

Robin: “looked like you could use a side kick!”

TIL about a ground breaking invention that's shaking the construction industry

It's called the jackhammer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

How long does it take a cross dresser to get to the ground if they jump out of a plane?

Depends on the drag coefficient

What is the common ground between an Ak-47 and bubblegum?

When you pull it out in class everybody wants to be your friend.

A college professor was very worried about his recent study on earthquakes.

It turns out his findings were on shaky ground.

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

A pioneer in a wagon was on a trail heading west when he came across an Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground

He stops perplexed at the sight. And he hears the Indian speak slowly and softly.

"Settlers, covered wagon, man, woman, two children, a dog with a limp."

Amazed, the pioneer said, "You can tell all of that just by putting your head to the ground."

"No," said the Indian. "They ...

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

My friend Nick is known as the grill master amongst us, but his ground burgers are undeniably the best.

He's got a real Nick knack patty whack!

While in California, I wanted to enjoy breakfast at Mission Beach and some guy just threw my waffle on the ground.

I hate sandy Eggo.

What snaps, crackles and pops when you throw them on the ground?

The elderly.

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

How long does it take for you to hit the ground after slipping on a banana peel?

One banano-second.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy and little girl are in the play ground playing when suddenly

The little girl stops lifts her dress and says “you see that?”

The little boy responds “yes”

She says “that’s a vagina. What do you have?”

The little boy stands up and opens his pants and says “ I am not sure, just this dangling thing”

“ Well, what’s called?” She asks. <...

A cowboy is riding along when he comes across a Indian with his ear to the ground

The cowboy wonders what the Indian is doing, but before he can ask, the Indian says, "A wagon came through here four hours ago."



"That's amazing!" the cowboy exclaimed.



"It was carrying a family of a husband, wife, and two little girls, travelling west."



...

A large wooden stake in the ground

(This post has been removed because it might cause a fence.)

A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."

"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.

"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.

The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"

"Yeah she owns half ...

The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground.

"This is a bad sign" they remark.

Due to growing environmentalist concerns, Germany and Austria decided to limit the amount of ores and minerals they were extracting from the ground.

They said, "Mine fewer!"

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"

"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"





**Bang**



"Okay, what do I do now?"

Two best friend olives are rolling around on the ground.

As they are rolling and playing one of the olives get squished. In complete shock the one olive says, "are you okay?!?" The squished friend says, "olive!"

Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.

I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."



The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:



"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do not take on pupils now. C...

Shovels were a ground breaking invention...

But dumbbells were an uplifting one.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Doesn't matter.

I was walking with my friend today and we saw some money on the ground

I pointed it out to him but he didn’t pick it up. I looked at him and said “at least pick it up man, it’s common cents.”

I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor

He was condescending.

If a plane tries to land but can't deploy its wheels, what sound does it make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing

When arguing, never throw dirt at your opponent

All you do is lose ground

Why are lawyers buried 15 feet deep in the ground when they die?

Because deep down they are good people.

It has been reported that there is a hole in the ground.

We are currently looking into it.

How do you burn an entire country to the ground?

Keep putting water on a Greece fire.

&nbsp;

*Too soon?*

One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground.

Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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