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Ground Jokes

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

How does a blind skydiver know when he's getting close to the ground?

The leash goes slack.

Why when a lawyer dies, they bury them 12 feet in the ground?

Because deep deep down, lawyers are good people.

Ear to the ground

The older cowboy turns to the younger one and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground, he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down...

What's the opposite of ground beef?

High steaks

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

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I found a butt plug on the ground

Some asshole must have dropped it

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A guy was walking through the woods, and finds a lamp on the ground, he picks it up and rubs it and a genie comes out.

The dude goes "Whoa! A Genie!" And the genie looking really bored is like, "Alright go ahead, you got 2 wishes.." The dudes like, "Only 2? I thought everyone gets 3? What kind of bullshit genie are you?" And the genie says, "Look in your pants." And the guy does and says "Holy crap! My dick is huge!...

I am sad. My friend said Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground underwater...

I knew he meant well.

You can't run through a camp ground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.

The hunter says "how far do ya reckon that hole goes?" The friend replies with "i don't know, lets chuck something down there and find out." They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, ...

At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground?

I dunno, I just fly the drone.

a person comes across three holes in the ground

“well, well, well”

A school library in Florida burned to the ground yesterday.

They lost both books.

(This is a retelling of a joke from Alf (substitute Melmac for Florida) but I assume it's much older than that!)

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?

The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

The ground trembles with my every step.

I have installed the floorboards incorrectly.

Most vegetables live above ground. But not onions.

Onions have lairs.

My son was shocked that I grounded him over a dad joke

I told him he can’t be shocked while grounded

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

I dropped my lava lamp into a deep hole in the ground.

And now I can’t reach my magma lamp.

A man was found dead in vat of ground chickpeas.

Police are considering it a hummus-cide.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't wear shoes to protect his feet from the ground...



He wears them to protect the ground from his feet

Why is ground beef so popular?

Because the flying cows are really hard to catch.

Why do trans women make the best golf course grounds staff?

They're enthusiastic about getting rid of unwanted balls.

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

When I die, I want my group project members to lower my casket into the ground.

That way they can let me down one last time.

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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

My shoe hates the ground

There's a lot of friction between them.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!!!!! What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his
knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man o...

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

Did you hear about the guy who fell in a hole in the ground that was filled with water?

He couldn't see that well.

What did the ground say to the earthquake?

You crack me up!

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.



The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.


...

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is dri...

A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get...

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

If Major Tom flies really high up, what would you call someone very deep beneath the ground?

Miner Tom

Why shouldn't you grow marijuana in the ground?

Because it's a pot plant.

What noise does a plane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

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If you see a turd lying on the ground

it's usually in the fecal position

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The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

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A nazi walks into a bar...

How someone can hit their head multiple times on a metal bar lying on the ground is a mystery, but that's what the eyewitnesses all claim happened.

Me: "I want to divorce my wife." Lawyer: "On what grounds?" Me: "She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar." Lawyer:"Is she an alcoholic or do you think she might be cheating?"

Me: "No, she's looking for me."

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

When the creator of USB drive will die, they'll lower his coffin into the ground..

..take it out, flip it over and lower again.

I tried reading a book about machines that drill large holes in the ground.

It was boring.

Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship

### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

Whats always on the ground but can't be picked up?

My will to live

My doctor insists that I should reduce my ground beef consumption.

So be it, sea cows it is then.

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

It has been reported that there is a hole in the ground.

We are currently looking into it.

Sometimes I tuck my head to my chest, place my hands on the ground and lean forward..

Because that's how I roll.

Some days it just feels like I might have nothing better to do than talk to a hole in the ground.

Oh well.

I found a small coffee shop named Higher Ground.

Now I know where to find Obi-Wan if I need him.

Two Indians put their ears to the ground........

The first Indian says: "Buffalo come".

The second Indian says: "Buffalo no come".

The first Indian places his ear back on the ground and repeats "Buffalo come".

The second Indian places his ear back on the ground and says "I no hear anything, why you think buffalo come?"
...

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

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An American, a Chinese and a Dane is bragging

The American starts: “We have the biggest Air force in the world. When all our planes takes off, there’s so many planes that not even a single sunbeam reaches the ground.”

The Chinese replies: “Well, but China has SO many ships! If all of our fleet sets sails at once, the ships would fill so ...

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Why did the sailor ground his son?

His grades were below sea level



^^im ^^so ^^sorry

In order to get H2O from the ground

You have to know water well

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A workman is 5 floors up at a construction site and realizes he forgot his hammer...

He leans over the edge of the building and sees his friend on the ground floor. He shouts down to him "Hey buddy I need my hammer." His friends looks up but motions to his ears that he can't hear him.

The workman, thinking quickly, decides to sign out what he wants. He points to his eye for "...

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

I dropped my sirloin on the ground during a cooking contest.

Not a worry, the steaks were low

A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.

Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?

When will people stop eating ground pork?

When pigs fly.

Listen to the ground....

A cowboy is riding across the plains when he comes across a Pawnee indian lying down with his ear placed against the ground & mumbling something.

Knowing what great trackers the Pawnee are the cowboy gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground, but he can't figure out anything just ...

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

What is the common ground between an Ak-47 and bubblegum?

When you pull it out in class everybody wants to be your friend.

I found a dead man's photograph on the ground

Someone shot it

A team of Swedes and a team of Norwegians are hired one day to put up telephone polls...

Their manager explains to them how to drive the poles into the ground, and leaves them to their work while he goes off to attend to other business. At the end of the day, he comes back to see what progress has been made. First, he sees that the Norwegian team has put up 15 poles.

"For a job w...

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

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Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan

Jane wanted to move things along with Tarzan, so she went directly to him and asked him if he had ever had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex”, he replied.

Jane thought for a moment and then explained in detail what sex was to him.

“Tarzan use hole in tree”

Jane was shocked:”No, n...

Better be isolated than grounded

Joe: 45, electrician

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Why can't Peter Pan be grounded?

You: Because he Neverlands.

Me: No. It's because he's a fucking orphan.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Southwest had to ground so many flights because of inclement weather....

I guess you could call this weather "hurricane Brandon".

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

My father grounded me...

He said if he ever saw me in front of the computer he'd smash my face in the keybouvuvwevwevwe Onyetenyevwe Ugwemubwem Ossass

I once got high by snorting ground-up bones of a marine mammal, then I ran my neighbor over.

I did it on porpoise.

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My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an "emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit".

I don't know how I feel about this.

Me and my wife were in a plane about to make a tandem skydive, when we spotted a distinct monument on the ground. However, we couldn't agree on what it was.

We ended up falling out over it.

What do you get when a 50 ton duck stomps on the ground?

An earthquack.

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All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

Growing out of the ground

A fit man was admiring his physique in a full length mirror. While naked, he realized that he didn’t have an ‘all over’ tan. He decided to go to the beach the next day to get a tan. He buried himself in the sand with just his twig and berries exposed.

Two old women were walking by when the on...

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

Jimmy, the electrician's son was grounded by his parents...

I heard his parents say he had no potential

What does a French man say when he drops an egg on the ground?

Oeuf

What do you say about the three holes in the ground?

Well... well... well....
(Got this one from my grandpa <3)

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

Is Tom the cat able to pour gasoline on the ground from a container?

No, but Jerry can.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

If you find a $100 bill on the ground and it takes you a second to pick it up…

It will be worth $50 due to inflation.

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...

Somewhere, buried down deep in the ground

Is the bar future presidents have to get over in order to seem credible, effective, or hell even just aware of their surroundings.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

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An eagle who had just been divorced went out looking for new love one day...

He was flying around, and on the ground he spotted a dove. He flew down,
had a bit of ding dong with the dove,
then flew away. The little dove laid there and said...

"I am a little dove, I've had a bit of love, but I liked it."

The eagle was still flying around, and on the ground...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the...

What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants?

My ice cream cone. =(

*Inspired by actual events.

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

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A farmer is lazily laying on the ground...

Lounging in the morning sun next to his donkey when a man on a bike rides up and asks "Excuse me, do you have the correct time? My watch has stopped."

The farmer reaches over to his donkey, lifts it's testicles for a moment then says "It's 1:24"

The rider is taken aback, "Are you sur...

What did the hole in the ground say to the oil rig?

I’m bored

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I found a butterfly on the ground without wings, so I poured some redbull on it and BAM...

... it drowned

Why did the plane get grounded?

Bad attitude.

TIL The higher you drop a piano, the higher the note that plays when the piano hits the ground

For example, drop it all the way down a mine shaft and it'll hit A minor

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Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Hostile ground

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

Three blondes were walking through a forest when they spotted tracks on the ground.

The first blonde said, "Look, these are deer tracks."

The second blonde looked at them and said, "No you're wrong, these tracks obviously belong to wolves."

The third blonde thought for a minute and said, "You're both wrong, these are wild boar tracks, I'm sure."

They were still...

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral,

a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

Did you hear the Flat Earth Society is really gaining ground?

They say they have members all around the globe now.

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

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