I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

Quick question

How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

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An 8 year old girl asks a question to her grandfather.

An eight-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him: "Grandpa, what is couple sex?''
The grandfather was very surprised that she would ask such a question. But he decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get ...

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

You know what you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question...

...

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Teacher asks third grade students a question.

“Who can give me a rhyme that ends with ‘if I can, if I can, if I can’?”

Bobby at the front puts his hand up, “I’ve got one miss.”
“Let’s here it bobby” teacher replies.
“When I grow up to be a man, I want to visit Germany and Japan, if I can, if I can, if I can.”

“Very good bo...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

A physics teacher writes a question on a board

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

​

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

&#x...

i have a 2B pencil, and a 2H pencil, the question is which should i use?

2B or not 2B?

I would donate blood more often, but I'm embarrassed about all the personal questions they ask

Like "who's blood is this?" and "how did you get so much?"

A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'

'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

A biology teacher asks a student a question about the homework

Mr. Ambrose says: "Suzie, which part of the human body gets 10 times bigger whenever it is stimulated?"

The whole class starts laughing, and Suzie panicked, saying: "you can't get me to say that, it's inappropriate!
Through all the chaos, Gavin raises his hand and yells: "isn't it the pupi...

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question?

TEACHER: Yes!
STUDENT: How do you put an
elephant inside a fridge?
TEACHER: I don't know.
STUDENT: It's easy, you just open
the fridge and put it in. I have
another question!
TEACHER: Ok, ask.
STUDENT: How to put a donkey
inside the fridge?
TEACHER: ...

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 12 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. ...

At my exam on religion I was given a multiple choice question to define atheism

Eventually I checked "none of the above."

Teacher: "whoever answers my next question can go home."

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: "who just threw that?"

Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap o...

Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions?

I do.

Bob tries to get a job and has to answer questions from the interviewer.

Interviewer: Are you smart?

Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever.

Interviewer: How so?

Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: H...

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My first grader got home from school and asked me a question…

"Daddy, is 'hell' a bad word?"

And I told him, "Yes, that is a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, okay?"

My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"

So I had to explain to him that "hell" and a...

Question in a medical board exam - Fill the blank - "When a young female faints, you immediately feel her p - - s - "

Those who answered PULSE are successful doctors today.

I went to a halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken

I was applying for an Australian citizenship when the interviewer asked me a question

He asked, “Do you have a criminal record?” I said, “No, is that still required?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The 6th grade science teacher asks her class a question.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will g...

“One last question,” said the job interviewer.

“What would you say your biggest weakness is?”

The interviewee thinks for a moment, smiles confidently, and says “I never know when to quit, sir.”

The interviewer chuckles. “Well, I must say, I’m very impressed with your resume and skillset. I’m happy to welcome you aboard!”

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Movie idea

There should be a hostage movie where instead of holding up a bank or skyscraper, the bad guy is a coworker who keeps asking questions at the end of a meeting.

I need help with my crossword question 2 across

Name something Jesus was nailed to.

A friend told me that there are no stupid questions.

I told him to AskReddit

Question: what did socialists use to light their houses before candles?

Answer: electricity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 9 year old daughter is starting to ask me some really embarrassing questions about sex that I dont want to answer

I mean, just yesterday she asked me “is that the best you can do?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

Is George Straight?
Is Marvin Gay?
Is Rebecca Black?
Is Barry White?

Sure makes Stevie Wonder!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. ...

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you sa...

A client told me he had some questions about carcinogens in his home

I told him I’d answer asbestos I can

Whenever I meet someone and they ask what my kids name is, I think “what a personal question”

I just met you and already you want the password to literally every one of my accounts

A skydiving instructor is answering questions for his beginner’s class.

“So if my parachute doesn’t open,” a student asks, “and my reserve chute doesn’t work, how long have I got until I hit the ground?”

The instructor tells the man, “You’ve got the rest of your life.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

The punchline comes before the question.

What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?

​

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they’d mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.

“Well, weaknesses...” he said “I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality”

"And your greatest strength?” She asked.

“Oh, I’m the Batman”

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.

"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."

"It’s in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."

"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the *job.*" the interviewer sighed.

The ad said, "Answers! $50. No questions asked."

So I handed the guy 50 bucks, he said "no" and walked away.

Did anyone see the questions on that math test?

It was in tenths!

Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.

Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...

The real 150 million dollars question.

Why did reddit accept 150mil from Tencent?

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms?

A punchline.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A very serious question.

If your uncle jack helps you off an elephant, will you help your uncle jack off an elephant?

Legitimate question, what's that canine constellation called?

[SIRIUS]

My left-handed friend writes weird answers to questions.

He can't be right.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

The teacher ask Bob a question

"If 3 birds are sitting on a tree branch, then i shot one with a rifle, how many are they left?"

\*None miss, they left because they were scared\*

"No Bob they are 2 remaining, but i like the way you think"

Bob then remain silent for a bit, and ask the teacher something

\...

What do my date last night and this question have in common.

They were both ended inappropriately by a period.

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

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