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Weirdest Jokes

My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..

„Were you even listening to me?!“

Why are hot dogs the weirdest dogs?

Because most of them are inbred.

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Japan has the weirdest engineers

They build cars that drive forever but planes that only fly once

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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

What's the weirdest thing to see at nighttime?

The sun

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Watched the weirdest porn today of some sad old man, masturbating.

Then I realised I forgot to turn the screen on.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

Is the Demigorgon the weirdest Sci-Fi monster?

Could be; I haven’t seen stranger things

Weirdest thing. I just saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM.

I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "just checking my balance."

What's the weirdest thing a woman can turn into?

A fish.

(Courtesy of my 15 year old autistic brother)

People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house?

My wife.

My daughter says the weirdest things.

Like "where are my real parents?"

I think the weirdest thing about being dyslexic

Is the look the barista gives you when you add to the spit jar. Like I’m not the one who put it there, Kenlynn, chill out.

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The weirdest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor

He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice”

The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a wee...

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The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

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3 guys awake after a night of sharing a bed

The guy on the rightmost side looks over to the other two, and says,
"I had the weirdest dream last night, I dreamt that I was getting jacked off!"
He looks down, and surely enough, there's cum stains.
The guy on the leftmost side exclaims,
"Weird! I had the exact same dream..."
He l...

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The weirdest thing I saw last night was a Redditor tripping and falling on top of a clown.

It was virgin on the ridiculous.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was a muffler.

I woke up pretty exhausted.

‪A restaurant accidentally served me the weirdest talking steak. ‬"I'm not beef," it confessed.

It was an honest moose steak. ‬

So, I delivered a baby today...

Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.

I'm joking, of course.

I work for UPS.

A nightclub near me won an award for "The weirdest entry policy"

Which is no small feat.

Two engineers are meeting for lunch

Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.

"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.

The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore o...

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A Man Walks Into the Neigbourhood Bar

He goes in and orders a drink for himself. He notices an attractive lady sitting by herself a couple tables away. Too attractive for someone of his own league, he thinks to himself.

Halfway through too many drinks though, he ends up plucking up enough courage and approaches her. "May I sit do...

[Nsfw] This girl from Compton had the weirdest IG page. Turns out she was a real life Vampire!

She sucked all the bloods

The weirdest thing happened to me today, Dwayne Johnson was holding me down wgilst a fishmonger hit me with a frozen fish.

I was stuck between The Rock and a hard plaice

What time is it?

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

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I watched the weirdest porn ever today. The repair man came over, fixed the garbage disposal, then left. That's it, that's all that happened.

Turns out it wasn't a porno after all, and the Do It Yourself, channel isn't what I thought it would be.

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Car Accident

I got into the weirdest car accident the other day. I rear ended a car, and when the driver got out, it was a fucking *dwarf*. He angrily yelled at me, "I am ***NOT*** happy!"

To which I replied, "Well which are you then?!"

Poor ringo

The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner. all of them are happily sitting there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.

  “Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his finge...

I listened to a speech from Trump this morning apologizing for his wrongdoings and taking responsibility...

That was the weirdest dream ever, man.

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A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

My friend just had a baby, and named her Egypt.

Poor child is gonna have the weirdest walk.

Used to have this drama teacher who always said “raising your hand was a waste of time”

He was hands down the weirdest teacher I’ve ever had.

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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

I am a devout in BDSM and have been very open about it to everyone around me

People give me the weirdest looks. Haven't they heard of Buddhism before?

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A married couple goes to Mars

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things.

Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the...

Went out drinking with some friends last night and saw a woman in full church garb getting absolutely plastered.

Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen, bar nun.

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As I spread my girlfriend's ass cheeks, I thought to myself...

This is the weirdest thing I've ever had on toast.

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

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My girlfriend came through the front door and moaned, "I had to walk home in the rain and now I'm really wet!"

I replied, "You get turned on by the weirdest shit…"

The last week or two I've been really obsessed with mixing things.

The last week of two I've been really obsessed with mixing things. I've been mixing anything and everything I can find, from pasta and sauce to the garbage in the trash can and the clothes in my drawer.


The weirdest thing is that when I start mixing something I have a hard time stopping! ...

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My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

I went to the pub and drank 10 beers...

When I finished them I ordererd 9 beers and drank them all. After that 8 then 7 and so on. The weirdest thing was; When I drank fewer beers, I became more drunk!

So I saw a humanoid looking fly the other day...

Let me tell ya, it was the weirdest thing. I was just walking down the street with my friend when we got approached by this guy.
Except he wasn’t really a guy at all, you see. He walked up right and spoke in perfect vernacular, but his eyes were bulbous red compound orbs, his mouth a long tube...

A guy behind me just pulled out a gun.

This must be the weirdest prostate exam he's ever done.

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(NSFW) Three men and a bed

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only one room with only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep. 
The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the crazie...

Justice has been served!

There's been some scumbag called Callum known as cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him.
The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turni...

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A trucker is driving down the road one lonely night..

when he comes upon a brothel so he pulls over. He goes inside and there is an older woman with a glass eye sitting at the front desk.
Man: "Yes how much is a night with your most beautiful girl?"
Old Woman: "If all the way it is around 500"
Man: "That is steep, what about just a blowjob?"<...

I was with my friend on a new bicycle

Bob: Nice bicycle man. Is it new? Where'd you get it?

Me: Dude, the weirdest thing. I was just walking down the street and this very attractive woman on a bike stopped in front of me, dropped the bike, stripped naked and said: "Take whatever you want big boy"

Bob: Good call. The clothe...

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Three men were sleeping in a tent all in a row...

In the morning when they all wake up, the man on the left says:

"I had the weirdest dream last night - I dreamt that someone was pulling my cock"

The man on the right looks instantly surprised and says:

"Now that is strange, I had exactly the same dream - that someone was pulli...

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A pregnant woman with triplets survives three gun shots

About 15 years ago a woman who was pregnant with triplets, two girls, one boy was shot in the stomach three times. She was rushed to the hospital she lived and all the triplets were uninjured what a miracle! So 15 years later the woman was making dinner for her family then her oldest daughter came d...

An Engineer is standing outside of work on Monday morning...

...when his cubical-neighbor pulls up on a brand new motorcycle. "Wow Bill, sweet bike, when did you get that?" he asks his friend.

"It was the weirdest thing," Bill replies, "my old VW was broken down on the side of the road yesterday, and this gorgeous woman pulls up on this motorcycle."...

So I was talking to a woman yesterday...

And told her a very interesting story that happened to me the other day. I told her about this very strange man I saw downtown. It went a little like this:

"So, a weird thing happened to me yesterday. I was out downtown where I saw this guy just standing there. He pulled something out of his...

Fries

Bobby was a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.

He hired a French guy who didn`t speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, Bobby and the French guy ha...

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A guy walks into a bar...

After a long day of work, a guy walks into an empty bar. He looks around and sees no one, but suddenly hears a voice say:

- "You look nice."

He jumps and spins around - but no one is there.

*Again he hears the voice:*

- "That coat looks good on you."

*He looks puzz...

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Three construction workers are building a brick wall in the middle of a swamp.

During a break, the first man, Joe, says, "Let's have a brick throwing competition. Whoever can throw his brick the highest wins!"

"That sounds like fun; I'm in!" Replied the second man, Tom.

"But how will we measure who's goes the highest?" inquired Jim, the third man.

"Simple,...

A Man and his Camel

There once was a very strange, lonely man living out in the woods alone. His family has been gone for many years, and has lived most of his life without anyone. He has had no physical contact with people in such a long time, other than going to town every could of months. But he wanted this to chang...

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