UPJOKE
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Stupid Jokes

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Why are so many americans stupid?

Cause they shoot the ones that go to school

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

The Democrats have a plan to make the Republicans sound stupid.

Operation "Just Let Them Talk"

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Why are there so many stupid people in the world?

Because shitty parents don’t know how to swallow

My wife said that if I got her any more stupid gifts she'd burn it.

I hope she likes her candle

What do you call a really stupid fish?

A dumb bass

70% of people are stupid

I’m obviously part of the other 40%.

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

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My wife and I recently agreed to a Hall Pass system, but she made such a stupid choice.

I told her that the two women I picked were Scarlett Johansson and Gal Gadot.

But instead of celebrity hunks, my wife went with the 2 guys who cut our grass.

Yo Mamma soooo stupid ...

Her offspring doesn't even know how to finish a sen

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

Upon being caught in a lie, my boss ask me, "Who's stupid, me or you?".

I told him he doesn't hire stupid people.

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo mamma

Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...

Stupid gift

My girlfriend told me if I bought her one more stupid gift, the she would burn it.


So I bought her a candle.

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

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Three men are discussing whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 128 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

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Blonde Joke.

Guy says to a Blonde girl.

I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits,

no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the

Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

Blonde says don't be fucking stupid, have another go...

Dumb, Yet Stupid

Godzilla: I don't feel so well...
Mothra: What did you eat?
Godzilla: Netflix.
Mothra: Why did that make you sick?
Godzilla: Dunno. I feel like I've eaten Stranger Things...

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid.

If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

The other day I bought Canadian insurance, but then I realized how stupid that was.

When am I gonna get attacked by a Canadian?

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

My stupid, hungry donkey decided to eat a window

It was a huge pane in the ass

I saw a sign that said: "Society for asking stupid questions".

A man walked up and asked: "Excuse me, is this the society for asking stupid questions?"

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This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a b...

What’s wrong with grown adults that regularly mess up they’re/there/their?

Their stupid

I recently came home to my wife, slightly drunk, watching something on the TV. "No! Don't go in there! Don't be so stupid!" she was shouting...

Turns out she was watching our wedding video.

My wife: Instead of thinking about stupid jokes all day, why don’t you write a book instead?

Me: That’s…..a novel idea.

My wife said I should stop making stupid puns and take her abortion more seriously.



I won't let this d-fetus.

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

Tried donating blood today. Never again. Too many stupid questions.

Who’s blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

I’m only trying to help.

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

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If you punch your own balls and it hurts, does that make you strong or weak?

Stupid, it makes you stupid

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Abusive Children.

I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is ...

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A Farmer's Marriage

A farmer and his wife are having some issues with their marriage. One day, the farmer takes a little baby sheep inside his house and finds his wife.

"Just so you know, this is the pig I have sex with when you're not around," the farmer says.

"What are you, stupid?" his wife asks. "That...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

A stupid pun joke- The moon and the sun are having a conversation

The moon and the sun are having a conversation.
The moon says “Hey, you have been pretty dark lately. That kinda defies your entire sol purpose. The sun replies with “When will you stop telling me these stupid puns like a lune-atic.”

What is the difference between stupidity and genius?

"What is the difference between stupidity and genius? Genius has its limits."
-- Albert Einstein

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How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!...

Don't you just hate it when people come knocking on your door, telling you that you need to be saved or else you're gonna burn?

Stupid firefighters.

I am so tired of jokes about Americans being stupid and not understanding the metric system.

At least we don’t panic when the temperature hits 40 kilometers!

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My wife was screaming and yelling at the tv, “Don’t go to church you stupid bitch,” I said “what are you watching?”

She said, “Our wedding video.”

Mrs. Johnson

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend. One day while they were getting intimate she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she start...

A friend of a new father asks him "Seriously, you named your son Bugatti? Are you stupid?"

The father responds "I may be stupid, but at least I have a Bugatti!"

My wife said to me, "If men are agreeing with you, you said something stupid!"

I responded, *"I agree with you, honey."*

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A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells: “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man:

“Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”

The man responds:

“Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”;

S...

A man and his wife are speeding down the highway when they get stopped by a police officer

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asks
"Not really" the man answers
"Don't worry, sir, you're not in trouble, I actually pulled you over because I find the way you drive your car really impressive, you're a skilled driver, I bet you aced your driving exam and really earned that ...

I wish I was stupid.

Y'all seem so happy.

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Have you ever been driving

And seen another driver do something so incredibly stupid that you had to stop masturbating?

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3 Irishmen in a pub

Mick, Sean and Paddy are chatting in a pub.
Mick says “some women are so stupid, my wife has just bought herself a car and she can’t even drive yet!”
Sean says “That nothing, my wife has gone on a diet and she’s not even fat!”
Paddy says “That’s fuck all boys, my wife has taken 30 condoms w...

Adam and Eve

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

Adam: Pretty good, I guess.

God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?

Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?

God: So you would enjoy looking at her.

Adam: And...

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first timer questions.

One day, a guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have before we hit the ground?

Our instructor looked at him and in a perfect deadpan voice, answered, "The rest of your life."

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What do you call a stupid religious person.

Holy shit.



(This isn't meant to offend anybody.)

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts

is to make males stupid.

"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...

Or something shorter, like "co-vid".

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If you ever hear these four words directed at you, you will be forced to realize how really fucking stupid you are.

"Hi. I'm Chris Hansen."

What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle?

The Polar Bear

I remember sitting once in psychology class learning about Pavlov thinking "those stupid dogs"

And then the bell rang and we all had lunch

Wrestling is stupid...

Some guys with no pants fight for a belt.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

People looked at me stupid when I said I saw my first Irish-Egyptian hieroglyph today...

It read "Made in Eejit"

Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...

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Did you know that Flemish people are consistently rated as highly attractive, but have a low average IQ?

Stupid sexy Flanders.

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

Two managers were complaining about how stupid their employees were.

Manager A: The other day, I told Joe, "Here's $100. Go buy a car for me." And he said ok and left. It's $100! Where are you going to find a car being sold for $100?

Manager B: That's nothing. The other day, I told Moe, "Hey, go to my house and check if I'm home." And he said ok and left. Ob...

I used to think that crystal girls where stupid.

All their talk about how crystals would "align their chakras and give them powers" made me think they were dumb.

How could a rock give them powers?

But then I tried crack.

I’m already going 75 mph in a 35 zone, stop tailgating me!

Also the blinking lights on top of your car looks stupid

A blonde called her car customer service saying she could only drive her car during the day. During the night, it didn't move at all.

A mechanic comes and after an inspection couldnt find anything wrong.

"You sure you put the right fuel?"
"Yup. Petrol"

Eventually, he asks her if shes using the right gears.

She says, "Of course, I'm not stupid. I'm using D during the day and N during the night"

Rebmudneve is a stupid sounding word

But it’s even dumber backwards

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

A friend of mine gets a big raise every year. His secret? Always negotiate on a rainy day.

I thought it was crazy. I should've left it at that. But I'm a sucker for a good misconception… and I was due for a raise.

I waited for a nice rainy day. Not a misty day, or a drizzle. It had to be full-on rain. Inevitably, the day arrived and I requested a meeting with my boss. He listened i...

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Male pupil: The principal of our school is stupid.

Female pupil: Do you know who I am?


Male pupil: I don’t know.


Female pupil: The principal’s daughter.


Male pupil: Hey, do you know who I am?


Female pupil: I don’t know.


Male pupil: That’s good.

Your mother is so fat and stupid

She came last in the human race

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

Stupid TV Trivia- Here are some of mine- post your own!

Did you see "Gilligan’s Island" that time when they almost got rescued?

Remember that "Star Trek" episode when they met those aliens?

Did you catch "Jersey Shore" when they got drunk and had that fight?

How about "The Bachelorette" episode when she cried.

Did you see t...

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%

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