I told my wife I’m going cool myself to -273.15 degrees C.

She has nothing to worry about, I'll be 0K

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

Play it cool...

(Phone ringing)

Boss: Why the hell aren't you picking that up?

Me: I always answer on the third ring, it makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!

Me: (rolling eyes) Fine, (picks up phone) 911 what's your emergency.

I saw on this girl's dating profile that she's a "health and fitness junkie." So that's cool...

We've got one of those three things in common.

What's a kinda cool vegetable?

A RADISH

How do old people become cool again?

Hip replacements!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Guy goes to a clinic to sell sperm...

(This one has a physical punchline that doesn't work well with text, but it was the first dirty joke my grandad ever told me, so I wanted to share)

A man sells his sperm at a clinic Afterward he meets a woman in the elevator, going down.

She says, "What are you here for? I've just so...

Frieza may be cool and all...

But his brother is Cooler

I just watched this cool video about Pluto’s reclassification!

It was very ex-planetary.

A retired marine wanted to die in a cool way...

So he decided: "I'm going to canoe across the Atlantic Ocean, a wave ought kill me!"

And so he went, with his little canoe paddling across the Atlantic Ocean, always screaming:

"One, Two, Three, Four, Marine Corps, Oh Rah Oh Rah, Marine Corps!"

God looks upon him and says: "He s...

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Traditional Japanese outfits are so cool! If you haven't tried one on...

Yukata!

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A young Japanese man was fleeing war

He ended in front of a Buddhist temple. He was granted access to this beautiful place and after a few weeks he saw the oldest high priest planting a tree.
He asked the old priest what is he doing. Priest said that the tree would cast a cooling shadow in the midst of the hottest summer when fully...

How do women in the workplace stay cool?

A glass ceiling fan.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He’s 0K now.

What was cool when you were young, but isn't cool now?

Earth

Scientists experimented on a guy and cooled his body down to absolute zero...

Don't worry, he's 0K

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

Why did the toilet paper act so cool?

Because it was on a roll.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

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It’s Mikes first day of prison.

He walks into his cell, and his cellmate is sitting on the edge of the bed shirtless.

“Listen, first thing you need to know is that this is going to happen. Your only choice is whether is happens with spit or without spit,” says the shirtless celly.

“Well, I don’t want this to happen ...

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Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

An engineer dies and goes to hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and uncle...

Why do you always burn your tongue on coffee from the new “Hipster” coffee shop?

Because you were drinking it before it was cool.

Understanding Engineers

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princes...

Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week.

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder…

The barkeep greets him, and says, “Cool newt! What’s its name?”

The man responds, “His name is Tiny”

The barkeep asks, “why is it called tiny?”

The man answers, “Because he’s my-newt”

Why are stadiums so cool?

Because they're full of fans

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day...

The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal".

The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six".

Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs".

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him...

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

Squares are cool, but circles have

pi

Bad news: The lovely architect down my street has passed away.

Good news: His coffin looks super cool.

Want to double your money instantly without anysort of investment plans?

Cool, me too. I just placed the cash bundle in front of the mirror.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

I was eating pizza before pizza was cool.

I never seem to learn.

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 


The four brothers ...

Hey, cool name

Thanks, it was a birthday present

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish Tinder had it too.

Afghanistan country code is cool

AF

Oftentimes i find myself putting ice cubes on my eyeballs.

I think its because i wanna look cool.

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

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My request for liquid nitrogen was denied by the principal.

Too cool for school!

People think Big Ben is a cool tourist attraction

In America we have thousands of Big Ben’s, most of the time we can’t get around them in a store aisle but it’s still not exactly something you take a selfie in front of.

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A date in the 1950's

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” say...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I got some really cool clothing for my tonsils

Now I have post-nasal drip

Your Highness! Cool round table! Who built it?

Sir Cumferance......

I like my girlfriends like i like my microwaves!

Cool on the outside Hot on the inside and kills every baby i put in there.

I was known as the cool guy until I started bringing drinks and food to parties.

Now I'm the cooler guy.

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So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.

The girl says to the guy, “So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?”

Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The girl replies with “Oh, that’s cool.”
...

Timezones are so cool

Australia is in 2021


USA is in 2020


North Korea is in 1963

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Cletus gets his first job at a small town gas station.

One day, a big old station wagon with Texas plates shows up. He had never seen a car from Texas come in before, so he was impressed. He walks up to the driver’s side. In the front seat we’re two big cowboy looking dudes. The diver says “Fill er er up, son”. Cletus nods and heads towards the rear of...

Why do hospitals have air conditioning?

To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

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An Australian guy with an alligator walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bar, sets the alligator on the counter and asks for a free drink. Bartender tells him "Sorry, we don't do free drinks here." Aussie says "What if I showed you a trick? " Bartender tells him "It will need to be a really cool trick if you want to earn a free drink."

So, the Au...

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A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.

It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.

Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. ...

Guide on how to be cool:

A) Use sunglasses emojis
B)

Mama, how did I get my name?

(USA-centric)

"Mama, how did I get my name?"

"Why do you need to know, Loquinda?"

"It's for my homework."

"Well, I was staying at a LaQuinta Inn the night you were conceived. So I just rearranged the letters a bit to make a pretty name."

"Oh. That's cool. How did m...

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

132 is my favorite number

the sum of all 2-digit numbers one can make from 132 results in 132. 132 is the smallest number with that property.

that's cool.

But it's my favorite because the response I give to many people is 132 in binary and I communicate binary using my fingers.

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

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Poor poor William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Ea...

I never realized seals were cool

They kinda slap though

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Tik tok < pornhub

I met a cute girl at bar recently she told me she was a tik tok influencer,

I said cool I’m on pornhub, maybe we should collab,

either way its only gonna last 10 seconds.

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

Fat shaming is not cool

They have enough on their plate already.

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

It would be cool meeting Mark Zuckerberg

He knows everything about you, your interests, etc.

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I thought being an electrician would be cool.

Getting to hangout with a bunch of strippers and dikes all day long.


But really you're just grabbing and twisting nuts all day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PS5 screenshot spoiler warning is cool

If someone sends you an unsolicited dick pic and if you have not seen that dick before, it will warn you before you open the picture.

A penguin is driving his car through the desert

All of a sudden he finds himself broken down and he's in the middle of nowhere. He pushes his car all the way to the nearest mechanic, takes him days. By the time he arrives he's sweating like a pig, exhausted, basically just barely alive. The mechanic takes the car to his workshop and gets the peng...

I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!

it writes other words too but that's my favorite

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There's a group of alien females abducting men with huge penises.

I don't think you're in any trouble though, I just wanted to tell you how cool this space ship is.

For years as a kid I thought Satan was so cool.

Then I found out my uncle had dyslexia.

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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'. The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policema...

Why are movie stars so cool?

They have a lot of fans.

My radiator broke.



Not cool.

What never stops being cool?

Ice. If it stops being cool, it already turned to water.

What is both legal and cool, pleasant and healthy, free and highly profitable, securing and freeing - all in one, and is available only today?

Voting in USA

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

Why are stadiums so cool?

Because every seat has a fan on it

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate potatoes before they were cool.

Why was he eating potatoes?

Because they’re so underground.

Noisy Mating

A veterinarian had a busy day at the clinic, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a tall, cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. An hour later, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" as...

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

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I close my eyes when I cum

Because cool guys don't look at explosions

Going to a bar

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large woman came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “it’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “oh right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

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An old man who is a veteran of the great war was sitting in his chair next to his fireplace as usual when his grandchildren came for a cool story...

The kids asked "Grandpa grandpa! Tell us a story from your times of war before bed! Please please pleeease..."
The man is sick of telling those stories because they always remind him of the bad times and out of anger, he goes:

-One day when we were in the trench, the enemy got us outnumber...

I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.

I really lost my cool.

Alcohol's cool and all but have you ever had someone care about you?

Me either pass the bottle

Two miners got trapped in a dark tunnel after a mine collapse, blocking their way in, and cutting off the power and lights.

One miner remained calm. He knew that there was other exits from the mine, but in the complete darkness, he had no way to navigate. He remained trapped.

The other miner started panicking. It was so dark, he had a wife and kids at home, he didn’t want to die like this. He was hyperventilating....

Looks like translating jokes is cool now

Bobby is sitting in his living room in his underwear, and wearing a blazer, when his wife comes in.

&nbsp;
&nbsp;

"Bobby why the hell are you wearing a blazer?"

"Well, maybe we'll have guests..."

"Then why don't you have any pants on?"

"Well, maybe we wo...

Girl, you're so cool...

You give me a pilo-erection.

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A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

The cool thing about being alive at this point in earth's history is...

that you might get to see how it ends.

A husband and wife are on a golf course

The wife swings and it cracks to the right nailing a house and smashing a window. Being responsible adults they went to apologize and pay for the damage. Upon knocking on the front door, the door opens wide up to a man with his arms crossed above a broken bottle. The man explains he’s a genie and ha...

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A metal music joke - Met a cool dude at a show last night

Him: "Never seen these guys before. What do they sound like?"

Me: "They're blackgaze."

Him: "....What's their race and sexual orientation have to do with their sound?"

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.

Radish

What do you get if you cross a stereo and a fridge?

Very cool music.

For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring..

On the other hand, you don’t.

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