I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!

it writes other words too but that's my favorite

My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

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Having sex is like having a Porsche. The first time you try it it's over way too fast, you couldn't wait to do it again and people probably think your cool for the rest of your life...

...also I've never had a Porsche.

Tall people are cool

I really look up to them

Wouldn't it be cool if when Thanos snapped half of the audience dissapeared.

Too bad only DC movies can do that.

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The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish tinder had it too.

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

Some cool facts about the names of groups!

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of nuns is called a gaggle.

A group of Catholic Priests is called a Cell Block.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

MY SPANISH FRIENDS THINK IM COOL

I moved into a Spanish neighborhood and immediately hit it off with them. They think im so cool they nicknamed me coolo

What vegetable is only slightly cool?

A Radish

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

My brother tried to argue that earthquakes are much worse than volcanoes because volcanoes are cool.

I shook my head and told him his argument is on shaky ground.

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Can we cool it with the Epstein jokes already people? I mean christ, the man had children.

Locked in his basement.

The day before my wedding, my dad sat me down and said, “Before you get married tomorrow, consider the following carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring...”

“And on the other hand, you don’t.”

“Man... I’ll never be as cool as a bicycle or a motorcycle...”

He moped.

Why is the letter B so cool?

Because it sits right in the middle of AC!

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

Remember when glaciers were cool?

That's all. What's a good follow up? It's a climate change joke. Idk.

A: Hey, How do you manage to stay cool all the time?

B: I don’t get into arguments with stupid people. I just cut it short and say, “You’re right.”
A: But that’s completely irrational and wrong!
B: You’re right.

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My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

I got this really cool Mickey Mouse watch. It shows the time very clearly.

The dial is really really handy.

You know who ate Five Guys before it was cool?

Jeffery Dahmer.

If I got a penny for every time I wasn't cool

I'd have... NO PENNYS!
*-whips out deck of Pokemon cards-*

Living in Switzerland would be cool,

The flag is a big plus.

How do you keep a prince cool?

Use an heir conditioner.

Why are stadiums so cool?

Because they're filled with fans

That new face app is cool

Anti vax parents can see what their kids woudlve look liked


Inspiration Credit: @funnymanfields

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

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A bear and a rabbit stumble upon a fairy

"You both get three whishes granted", says the fairy. The bear does not need to think for long and says: "I want to be compelling to all female bears in this entire forest!"

"Ok," says the fairy, "and what is your wish, little rabbit?"

"I'd like a beautiful and strong helmet, which fit...

What do you do to stay cool when it’s 100 degrees in NYC?

Dress as a cop.

You think you are cool..

But you are just in room temperature.

I think the Dysons in washrooms these days are pretty cool

But I have to say, they're the messiest urinals I've ever used.

I found a cool spider in my backyard today.

I picked it up and drove it accross the city.

Now it's far from home.

You think people in bands are cool?

Imagine Dragons

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

People need to cool with the FaceApp age filter...

It's getting old.

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Did you hear about the person who got cooled to absolute zero?

Yeah he fukin' died.

Why are B's so cool?

Cause they're in between the AC

In the 1950s I had a black friend who was so cool

He always sat at the back of the bus

It'd be cool if Jesus was like a new code-name for Heroin...

Bunch of people addicted to taking the lord's name in vein...

You know what's cool about owning a Chevy?

well, the logo is a big plus

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Sexism isnt cool at all

Bitches hate that shit

How to be cool in 2 steps.

A) Get sunglasses

B)

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

A colony on the moon would be a pretty cool thing.

Especially on the dark side.

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Picked up a hitch hiker

***I pulled this on my boss last week. Luckily he is cool so I knew he wouldn't fire me or send me home.

The joke is way better in person and gets a huge laugh if told straight faced like a story that happened to you. Make sure you say the ending with plenty of gusto.

Here's how it go...

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What do you call a cool sheep?

A baaaaaaaaadass.

Why are fireworks so cool?

It’s cause they’re lit.

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of..

tattoos.

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

I asked my bro if it was cool to bang my clone.

He shrugged. "You do you, fam."

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Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online....

She's really cute and sexy, and now shes just told me shes an undercover cop!

How fucking cool is that for somebody her age

Nobody is born cool

Unless it's a miscarraige.

So my girlfriend and I are about to get down to doing the deed and she whispers "Turn off the light and stick it in my ass" So I did...

She screamed "It Burns!!". I likely could have waited for it to cool off first.

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I was sitting at a bar beside this old guy..

After a few drinks the old guy leans over to me and says,"I fucked your mother"

I ignored him

A couple more drinks he leans back over and says, " Your mother blew me"

I kept my cool and ignored him again

A couple more drinks and he leans over and says, " I fucked your mo...

Schools are using Honda compact cars for Drivers Ed.

I think that's cool. Kids learn to drive, and get a class in Civics at the same time.

When I first met my wife, I was worried that my fetish might scare her off

but she ended up being cool with it, so I got off on the right foot.

One day, a lady named Anne wanted to change her name...

One day, a lady named Anne decided she was bored of her name and wanted to change it to Penny-Anne. That's not what I would choose, I would do something cool like Proffeser Spider Ninja, but that's why I haven't changed my name. Anyway, changing your name can be like $200, and Anne didn't have a lot...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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Kids think us elders are so out of touch.

Kids think us elders are so out of touch.

My daughter walked in on me flossing.

"Dad. What are you doing? That's not cool"

"This is the easiest way for me to dry the bit between balls and my asshole,"

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The apple

Guy goes to a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. Guy says WTF and the bartender insists, Just Taste It!



Guy bites it and it tastes like rum! The bartender says Now Turn It Around. The guy does and it tastes like coke! The guy is amazed and chomps away...

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cool funny jokes that i can copy and paste on to reddit

wait this isn't google



shit

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

Sure it’s cool that swinger parties have an aptly themes musical selection

Pity that it got a little stale after the fifth round of ‘Last night a DJ shaved my wife”

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A man is out playing golf one day. He finds some golf balls that have been lost by other golfers and they look like they are of a high quality so he puts them in his pocket and plays on.

Back at the club house he goes to the bar to get a drink when a stunning, large breasted young blonde lady comes and stands next to him. They get to some polite conversation and the guy is acting cool. The blonde looks down and notices a bulge in trousers and begins to blush in embarrassment as she ...

My friend always asks me "Why do you put your laptop on top of a cooling rack when you're using it?"

I told him "Because this site uses cookies."

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

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Some kids are cool... Other kids are hot...

But I’m in the fucking middle being damn room temperature

I went to this really cool restaurant where they gave out free bandanas with the meals

My girlfriend didn't like it though. She kept saying stuff like, "You're embarrassing me" and "Please take that napkin off your head."

At a fencing tournament, two people are sitting and watching the fight take place.

One of the spectators had spent her whole life devoting herself to the craft, and would have entered the tournament had she not retired a few years ago. The other, simply a fan who thinks swords are cool, having no real understanding of the sport. The fencer on the left side was playing very aggress...

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”


The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a...

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A man sees a friend reading a book

Man: Hey Carl whatchu reading there

Carl: Sherlock holmes, he's a detective who uses logical deduction to solve crimes.

Carl sees the confusion on his friends face and explains.

Carl: Do you have any pets?

Man: yea, I have two goldfish

Carl: From there I deduce tha...

What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

My dad got really angry when our AC stopped working.

This always happens when he loses his cool.

Student in a test

An engineering student was in oral test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?".

The student answered " the bus"

Professor : cool, tell me what you would do i...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

My friends found a cool racing game.

Recently my friends and I found an interesting new game, it’s sort of like a mix of an MMORPG and a racing game. You play as a car and you level up and get cool new gear and it makes you better and also looks cooler.

Anyway, we played this game for quite a while, slowly improving and getting ...

Why are physicists still considered "not" cool...

When Thermodynamic entropy is getting cooler all the time?

I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said “ I know what I want, but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…

Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

My ex-girlfriend got a parakeet, and that damn thing never shut up...

but the bird was cool.

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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

Yeah Frieza was cool...

But his brother was cooler.

I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.

On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.

On the other hand, you don't.

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

Wife called me up

- “what are you doing hon?”

- “in the middle of an epic boss battle”

- “cool. What game are you playing?”

- “Game? I’m in the middle of my performance review at work”

Look at that cloud, trying to act all cool..

He's nothin' but smog

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I held the door open for a japanese dude today

He said “sank you”

So I punched him in the fucking face, its not cool to bring up pearl harbor like that.

I played a cool video game with some really hammered dudes,

We were Super Smashed Bros.

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A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

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Racist or not?

Weather it's fashion, music or sports, black people have always been at the forefront of trend setting. They were even sitting at the back of the bus before it was cool.

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.

Radish

My friend bought a DeLorean, but I never see him drive it.

He brags about it a lot, but I've never seen it leave his garage. I finally asked him "This is cool, but do you ever actually drive it?"

"Sure," he said, "from time to time."

Dear "cool kids"

They didnt name a candy after you did they?

Sincerely,
Nerds

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.
HER: That's so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Me: you want to come over tonight?

Her: Sure. But I’m still on mg period until Tuesday...

Me: So?? I’m really offended that you think it’s all that I’m looking for!

Her: You’re right. Sorry about that.

Me: Never mind just give me some time to cool off.

Her: Ok

Me: I‘ll just talk to you on Tuesday.

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