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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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I thought being an electrician would be cool.

Getting to hangout with a bunch of strippers and dikes all day long.


But really you're just grabbing and twisting nuts all day.

Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero

Don't worry, he's 0K

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

Why are stadiums so cool?

Because every seat has a fan on it

People have often said that bees making honey sounds cool...

...but honestly, I never understood what all the buzz was about.

For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring..

On the other hand, you don’t.

so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask

but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony

My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter

And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

I have a really cool joke about alzheimer's.

I have a really cool joke about alzheimer's.

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

It was cool being an introvert till the government started telling everybody to do it.

Now I wanna go outside.

To stop kids from doing drugs, they should give the drugs less cool names.

If Ecstasy was called moist curdle, I can assure you that nobody would be interested in trying it!

Working in a mirror factory would be pretty cool.

I could totally see myself doing it.

I left my Chinese dumplings to cool on a third floor window ledge.

The police arrested me for wonton endangerment.

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

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The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish tinder had it too.

I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!

it writes other words too but that's my favorite

To people who wave a paper to cool yourself, I tell you

not a fan

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

One of my friend, an introvert is amazingly cool person. You give him time and will start to grow on you....

He really is a fungi.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

What did the cool guy say to the 16th US President when his pigs began fusing with one another?

ayy bruh ham linkin

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The...

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

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The condoms

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop ...

My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

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Legs in Japanese cartoons are cool

I just love anime shins.

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Someone asked me, “If 2020 was a car, what would it be?”

I told them, “It would be a BMW. It looked real cool at first, but the reliability turned out to be pretty shit, and whoever’s driving is a total asshole.”

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

Did you know that an helicopters propeller serves to keep the pilot cool?

Because when it stops the pilot starts sweating.

Need something cool to say

Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell?
“Yep, gravity still works!”

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The Excuse

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weeke...

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

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Ladies night out...

So, two ladies ditch their husbands for a ladies night out on a Friday night and they go do whatever middle-aged women think is cool to do on a Friday night. One thing leads to another and these two ladies have drunk a little bit too much and decide to head home and sleep it off. So they're driving ...

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.


She turned out to be an undercover detective.


How cool is that at her age?!

How do football players stay cool?

By standing close to the fans

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Yes I get all the cool numbers- 420 is a weed thing, 69 is a sex thing...

and 9:45 is bedtime.

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Baby whale : "Dad, where did I come from?"

Dad whale: "You came from my penis, son"

Baby whale : "Ok cool. Thanks, Dad"

Dad whale : "You're whale cum"

I met this girl with a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh

Cool thing about it is, if you put your ear up to it, you can really smell the ocean

I gave my daughter a watch for Christmas. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

Why Engineers go to Heaven

An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell.  Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.

God looked...

Wouldn't it be cool if when Thanos snapped half of the audience dissapeared.

Too bad only DC movies can do that.

A wonderful birthday poem

**MARCUS:** Happy birthday, Bob. I have a poem for you.
**BOB:** Cool! Let me hear it!
**MARCUS:** Don’t worry about the past — you can’t change it.
Don’t worry about the future — you can’t predict it.
And don’t worry about the present — I didn’t get you one.

Some cool facts about the names of groups!

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of nuns is called a gaggle.

A group of Catholic Priests is called a Cell Block.

There's an ultracryogenic explosive that's perfectly safe until it's cooled to absolute zero.

0 K boomer.

Blondes

3 blondes were hiking when they saw some tracks. One blonde said “Wow cool, those are moose tracks”. Another said “Um no, they’re obviously elk tracks”. The third said “Are you guys stupid? They’re clearly deer tracks”. That’s when the train hit them.

Guy calls his buddy and says, "Hey man, I'm throwing a party this weekend!"

"Gonna get a case of beer; what are you thinking?"

Buddy responds, "Anything but Heineken is cool with me. Drank a case of Heineken last weekend, and I blew chunks."

Guy says, "Dude, drinking a whole case of anything is going to make you puke."

Buddy responds, "No, man, you don'...

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What do guns and orgasms have in common?

They're both pretty cool but if you have either in a bank you're going to jail.

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Having sex is like having a Porsche. The first time you try it it's over way too fast, you couldn't wait to do it again and people probably think your cool for the rest of your life...

...also I've never had a Porsche.

Why did the blond take a car door down to the beach?

If it get too hot he could just roll the window down and let some cool air in

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Bob and John.

Bob "Hey John, they say if you get punched in the eye, you get black eye right?"

John "I guess so yeah."

Bob "cool now can you punch my dick?"

John "what why?"

Bob "cause then I'll get a black dick."

John "that joke was awful."

Bob "who's joking?"

My Hungarian boss' favorite joke

In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash. As soon as he'...

MY SPANISH FRIENDS THINK IM COOL

I moved into a Spanish neighborhood and immediately hit it off with them. They think im so cool they nicknamed me coolo

Why don't hipsters drink iced tea?

Because they drank tea before it was cool.

My roommate keeps taking my bottle of water out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

A rich man buys a new Lamborghini.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first stoplight, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
<...

A guy walks into a bar..

.... he notices a monkey sitting at the bar. He asks the bartender, "what's with the monkey?" The bartender walks around, sits next to the monkey, and smacks it upside the head with a pan. The monkey goes down and gives him a bj. The bartender walks back and says "pretty cool eh, you want to give ...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool

My friend made a puppy out of glue!

I thought it was cool until it bit a mailman. He’s a viscous dog.

When I was a child, I really loved reading all the stuff about north pole, animals that inhabit it etc.

But it is not as cool as it used to be....

A young man drives to his friend with a new Porsche

The friend is surprised and wants to know how he got the cool car.

He replies: "So I was taken by a woman as a hitchhiker. Suddenly she stops at a rest area, pulls her panties down, wags it in front of my nose and tells me that I can now have everything I want from her. Said , done. And here ...

What vegetable is only slightly cool?

A Radish

I love Doritos

If the government is putting chips inside of people I would like to request cool ranch Dorito for mine.

You know who ate Five Guys before it was cool?

Jeffery Dahmer.

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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right ...

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office...

...and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop.
"That desk is going for £2000," says the shopkeeper.
"£2000 for an old desk? That's outrageous!" exclaims Eric.
"Ah", says the shopkeeper, "but this is a magic desk." He turns to the desk and asks, "Desk, how much money do I have i...

Definitely a repost, but the following is an alleged question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an alleged answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students ...

Why is the letter B so cool?

Because it sits right in the middle of AC!

When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

My brother tried to argue that earthquakes are much worse than volcanoes because volcanoes are cool.

I shook my head and told him his argument is on shaky ground.

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A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

A: Hey, How do you manage to stay cool all the time?

B: I don’t get into arguments with stupid people. I just cut it short and say, “You’re right.”
A: But that’s completely irrational and wrong!
B: You’re right.

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A penguin walks into a bar

And orders a glass of coke. The bar tender slides the penguin a cool can. The penguin immediately slides the can back. “Bartender, I do believe I ordered a glass.” Confused, the bar tender pours a glass of Coca Cola and the penguin gets up. A man stops the penguin and asks “Why wasn’t a can ok?” The...

Dads are cool

They never tell you they f*cked your mom

I cried because

Pessimist: of my ugly shoes until I met a man with no feet

Economists: the man with no feet saved so much on shoes

Minimalist: I can’t be as minimal cool as the dude with no feet

F*ckboy: I can’t say look ma, no feet!

Foot-fetish lovers:

Remember when glaciers were cool?

That's all. What's a good follow up? It's a climate change joke. Idk.

“Man... I’ll never be as cool as a bicycle or a motorcycle...”

He moped.

If I got a penny for every time I wasn't cool

I'd have... NO PENNYS!
*-whips out deck of Pokemon cards-*

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Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.



She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".



I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

How do you keep a prince cool?

Use an heir conditioner.

I used to live with a girl with a parrot that never shut up

The parrot was cool tho

What does a Reddit mod and a hipster have in common?

Mods self-isolated before it was cool.

You are a nice curve, a beautiful curve, the best curve.

Cool, I've just flattered the curve.

How to be cool:

A) Make the sunglasses face

B)

I think the Dysons in washrooms these days are pretty cool

But I have to say, they're the messiest urinals I've ever used.

I got this really cool Mickey Mouse watch. It shows the time very clearly.

The dial is really really handy.

Parallel universes are a cool concept

but there’s no way I could park in one.

I love my new air conditioner.

It's so cool!

Four ducks are in court for fighting in the park

Judge: You, first duck, what's your name

Duck1: Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.

Judge: Okay, that's cool...You, second duck, what's your name?

Duck2: Duck Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck Duck: I was j...

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Sexism isnt cool at all

Bitches hate that shit

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