The 107+ Best Cool Jokes

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The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish Tinder had it too.

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokemon

I said 'ditto'

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.

Radish

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

Just found this cool new app that tells you which family members are racist...

Its called Facebook

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths

and the Bowman family were archers

and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

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Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool

Wooden tit?

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

Why are birds so cool?

They know what's up.

Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool?

Don't believe me?

Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!

What does your lateral thigh muscle have in common with a really cool kidnapper?

They're both hip abductors.

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

2/22/22 may seem cool...

but I was around for 12:34:56 7/8/90

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language...

...entirely out of tattoos.

My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me

She is not a fan.

How to be cool:

A) Use the sunglasses emoji.

B)

I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!

it writes other words too but that's my favorite

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.

Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

Being a vampire is cool and all...

But I couldn't see myself enjoying it.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

I get being "mysterious" is cool...

But turn signals are for the populations safety...

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.

For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

Dating an homeless girl is cool af

Cause u can just drop her off anywhere

Why are stadiums such cool places?

Because they are full of *fans*

Why did the toilet paper act so cool?

Because it was on a roll.

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

I was walking down the road along with my dog, looking cool in my black sunglasses when a youtuber pulled me aside.

He said,

"If you can walk round the park and back to me, I'll give you 10 bucks. The catch is that you will have to do it blindfolded"

I accepted his challenge and completed it in under 5 minutes. He was surprised and asked me how I did it so quickly. I replied,

"It was just a ...

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

I learned something really cool today.

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it's a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only ...

How do celebrities stay cool?

They have fans

Mittens keeping it cool.

A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and see a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, "These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose...

Cooling yourself to -273C is completely fine...

If you do, you'll be 0K!

Endothermic reactions are cool and all.

But I like exothermic reactions better. They give me a warm fuzzy feeling :)

What was cool when you were young, but isn't cool now?

Earth

I saw on this girl's dating profile that she's a "health and fitness junkie." So that's cool...

We've got one of those three things in common.

When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

Play it cool...

(Phone ringing)

Boss: Why the hell aren't you picking that up?

Me: I always answer on the third ring, it makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!

Me: (rolling eyes) Fine, (picks up phone) 911 what's your emergency.

Incest isn't cool...

I can count at least 17 reasons why on my hands

A retired marine wanted to die in a cool way...

So he decided: "I'm going to canoe across the Atlantic Ocean, a wave ought kill me!"

And so he went, with his little canoe paddling across the Atlantic Ocean, always screaming:

"One, Two, Three, Four, Marine Corps, Oh Rah Oh Rah, Marine Corps!"

God looks upon him and says: "He s...

How do women in the workplace stay cool?

A glass ceiling fan.

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I thought being an electrician would be cool.

Getting to hangout with a bunch of strippers and dikes all day long.

But really you're just grabbing and twisting nuts all day.

Why are stadiums so cool?

Because every seat has a fan on it

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Traditional Japanese outfits are so cool! If you haven't tried one on...

Yukata!

Freeza is cool

But his brother is cooler

I was eating pizza before pizza was cool.

I never seem to learn.

Hey, cool name

Thanks, it was a birthday present

Squares are cool, but circles have

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Timezones are so cool

Australia is in 2021

USA is in 2020

North Korea is in 1963

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

You know who ate Five Guys before it was cool?

Jeffery Dahmer.

Afghanistan country code is cool

People think Big Ben is a cool tourist attraction

In America we have thousands of Big Ben’s, most of the time we can’t get around them in a store aisle but it’s still not exactly something you take a selfie in front of.

I was known as the cool guy until I started bringing drinks and food to parties.

Now I'm the cooler guy.

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At the age of 4, I remember thinking: "I can count to 10, so cool!" At the age of 5, I remember thinking: "Wow, I can count to 100 now, so cool!"

And at the age of 6: "When does this thing even fucking end?!"

I got some really cool clothing for my tonsils

Now I have post-nasal drip

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PS5 screenshot spoiler warning is cool

If someone sends you an unsolicited dick pic and if you have not seen that dick before, it will warn you before you open the picture.

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15˚C...

and still be 0K?

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

For years as a kid I thought Satan was so cool.

Then I found out my uncle had dyslexia.

For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring..

On the other hand, you don’t.

Your Highness! Cool round table! Who built it?

Sir Cumferance......

Fat shaming is not cool

They have enough on their plate already.

It would be cool meeting Mark Zuckerberg

He knows everything about you, your interests, etc.

Why are movie stars so cool?

They have a lot of fans.

You guys, I just drew a really cool creature - it's half moose, half elf

Sorry to boast, I'm just feeling pretty proud of moose-elf.

I never realized seals were cool

They kinda slap though

My chemistry teacher keeps talking about this guy "Kelvin" like he's soooo cool,

but in my opinion he is absolutely 0K.

People have often said that bees making honey sounds cool...

...but honestly, I never understood what all the buzz was about.

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

Working in a mirror factory would be pretty cool.

I could totally see myself doing it.

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.

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An old man who is a veteran of the great war was sitting in his chair next to his fireplace as usual when his grandchildren came for a cool story...

The kids asked "Grandpa grandpa! Tell us a story from your times of war before bed! Please please pleeease..."
The man is sick of telling those stories because they always remind him of the bad times and out of anger, he goes:

-One day when we were in the trench, the enemy got us outnumber...

Looks like translating jokes is cool now

Bobby is sitting in his living room in his underwear, and wearing a blazer, when his wife comes in.

 
 

"Bobby why the hell are you wearing a blazer?"

"Well, maybe we'll have guests..."

"Then why don't you have any pants on?"

"Well, maybe we wo...

What never stops being cool?

Ice. If it stops being cool, it already turned to water.

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Sexism isnt cool at all

Bitches hate that shit

Why are fireworks so cool?

It’s cause they’re lit.

The cool thing about being alive at this point in earth's history is...

that you might get to see how it ends.

MY SPANISH FRIENDS THINK IM COOL

I moved into a Spanish neighborhood and immediately hit it off with them. They think im so cool they nicknamed me coolo

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

I went to this really cool restaurant where they gave out free bandanas with the meals

My girlfriend didn't like it though. She kept saying stuff like, "You're embarrassing me" and "Please take that napkin off your head."

Why is the letter B so cool?

Because it's right in the middle of the AC.

Alcohol's cool and all but have you ever had someone care about you?

Me either pass the bottle

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cool funny jokes that i can copy and paste on to reddit

wait this isn't google

shit

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A metal music joke - Met a cool dude at a show last night

Him: "Never seen these guys before. What do they sound like?"

Me: "They're blackgaze."

Him: "....What's their race and sexual orientation have to do with their sound?"

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar(a joke)

She says,

"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"

The Russian replies,

"I work for KGB."

"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"

"About me or about you?"

Wouldn't it be cool if when Thanos snapped half of the audience dissapeared.

Too bad only DC movies can do that.

I think the Dysons in washrooms these days are pretty cool

But I have to say, they're the messiest urinals I've ever used.

Nobody Cool Ever Watches Michael Bay Movies

Because Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions

To stop kids from doing drugs, they should give the drugs less cool names.

If Ecstasy was called moist curdle, I can assure you that nobody would be interested in trying it!

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

How do you keep a prince cool?

Use an heir conditioner.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

What did the cool guy say to the 16th US President when his pigs began fusing with one another?

ayy bruh ham linkin

My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter

And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!

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How come all the other planets are named after cool stuff like gods?

Meanwhile, Earth is named after that dirty shit on the ground.

I gave my daughter a watch for Christmas. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

Need something cool to say

Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell?
“Yep, gravity still works!”

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