Cool Jokes - 108 Hilarious Cool Jokes

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The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish Tinder had it too.

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.

Radish

Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero

Don't worry, he's 0K

My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokemon

I said 'ditto'

"Never lose your cool"

\-LL Jay

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths

and the Bowman family were archers

and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

What's cool cool cool

Ice cubed

Just found this cool new app that tells you which family members are racist...

Its called Facebook

How to be cool:

A) Use the sunglasses emoji.

B)

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.

Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

2/22/22 may seem cool...

but I was around for 12:34:56 7/8/90

An airplane's propeller is just a big fan, and its purpose is to keep the pilot's cool.

Need proof?

Watch how much they "sweat" when it stops spinning!

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language...

...entirely out of tattoos.

What does your lateral thigh muscle have in common with a really cool kidnapper?

They're both hip abductors.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!

it writes other words too but that's my favorite

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

What was cool when you were young, but isn't cool now?

Earth

I get being "mysterious" is cool...

But turn signals are for the populations safety...

Being a vampire is cool and all...

But I couldn't see myself enjoying it.

Mittens keeping it cool.

A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and see a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, "These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose...

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.

For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

All this neopronouns stuff is cool and all...

I just can’t find a guide on how to pronouns them.

How do celebrities stay cool?

They have fans

My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me

She is not a fan.

Dating an homeless girl is cool af

Cause u can just drop her off anywhere

Why are stadiums such cool places?

Because they are full of *fans*

Hey, cool name

Thanks, it was a birthday present

Why did the toilet paper act so cool?

Because it was on a roll.

Incest isn't cool...

I can count at least 17 reasons why on my hands

I learned something really cool today.

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it's a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only ...

Cooling yourself to -273C is completely fine...

If you do, you'll be 0K!

Play it cool...

(Phone ringing)

Boss: Why the hell aren't you picking that up?

Me: I always answer on the third ring, it makes me seem cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP!

Me: (rolling eyes) Fine, (picks up phone) 911 what's your emergency.

Endothermic reactions are cool and all.

But I like exothermic reactions better. They give me a warm fuzzy feeling :)

Freeza is cool

But his brother is cooler

Why are stadiums so cool?

Because every seat has a fan on it

Timezones are so cool

Australia is in 2021

USA is in 2020

North Korea is in 1963

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

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An engineer goes to hell

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..." At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on thi...

Afghanistan country code is cool

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar(a joke)

She says,

"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"

The Russian replies,

"I work for KGB."

"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"

"About me or about you?"

Squares are cool, but circles have

Fat shaming is not cool

They have enough on their plate already.

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

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I thought being an electrician would be cool.

Getting to hangout with a bunch of strippers and dikes all day long.

But really you're just grabbing and twisting nuts all day.

How do women in the workplace stay cool?

A glass ceiling fan.

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

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An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.

The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically wav...

I was eating pizza before pizza was cool.

I never seem to learn.

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.

^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

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Sexism isnt cool at all

Bitches hate that shit

Why are fireworks so cool?

It’s cause they’re lit.

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PS5 screenshot spoiler warning is cool

If someone sends you an unsolicited dick pic and if you have not seen that dick before, it will warn you before you open the picture.

What never stops being cool?

Ice. If it stops being cool, it already turned to water.

(cool title)

There was a pirate captain who, every time his crew went raiding, always instructed his first mate to bring him a red shirt to wear. After several wildly successful raids with the captain leading attack, the first mate got curious and asked, "Captain, why is it every time we go a-plundering ...

A retired marine wanted to die in a cool way...

So he decided: "I'm going to canoe across the Atlantic Ocean, a wave ought kill me!"

And so he went, with his little canoe paddling across the Atlantic Ocean, always screaming:

"One, Two, Three, Four, Marine Corps, Oh Rah Oh Rah, Marine Corps!"

God looks upon him and says: "He s...

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Dads are cool

They never tell you they f*cked your mom

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.

(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

Why are movie stars so cool?

They have a lot of fans.

It would be cool meeting Mark Zuckerberg

He knows everything about you, your interests, etc.

I never realized seals were cool

They kinda slap though

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

MY SPANISH FRIENDS THINK IM COOL

I moved into a Spanish neighborhood and immediately hit it off with them. They think im so cool they nicknamed me coolo

When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

People think Big Ben is a cool tourist attraction

In America we have thousands of Big Ben’s, most of the time we can’t get around them in a store aisle but it’s still not exactly something you take a selfie in front of.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

You know who ate Five Guys before it was cool?

Jeffery Dahmer.

I got some really cool clothing for my tonsils

Now I have post-nasal drip

Your Highness! Cool round table! Who built it?

Sir Cumferance......

Looks like translating jokes is cool now

Bobby is sitting in his living room in his underwear, and wearing a blazer, when his wife comes in.

 
 

"Bobby why the hell are you wearing a blazer?"

"Well, maybe we'll have guests..."

"Then why don't you have any pants on?"

"Well, maybe we wo...

I was walking down the road along with my dog, looking cool in my black sunglasses when a youtuber pulled me aside.

He said,

"If you can walk round the park and back to me, I'll give you 10 bucks. The catch is that you will have to do it blindfolded"

I accepted his challenge and completed it in under 5 minutes. He was surprised and asked me how I did it so quickly. I replied,

"It was just a ...

Need something cool to say

Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell?
“Yep, gravity still works!”

Why is the letter B so cool?

Because it's right in the middle of the AC.

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.

I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

What does a cool snake say?

In the hiss house!

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Traditional Japanese outfits are so cool! If you haven't tried one on...

Yukata!

Nobody is born cool

Unless it's a miscarraige.

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

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At the age of 4, I remember thinking: "I can count to 10, so cool!" At the age of 5, I remember thinking: "Wow, I can count to 100 now, so cool!"

And at the age of 6: "When does this thing even fucking end?!"

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

Why are B's so cool?

Cause they're in between the AC

Working in a mirror factory would be pretty cool.

I could totally see myself doing it.

How do you keep a prince cool?

Use an heir conditioner.

Nobody Cool Ever Watches Michael Bay Movies

Because Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions

How do football players stay cool?

By standing close to the fans

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

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A man and his wife are having trouble in bed...

... the woman never even gets close to having an orgasm. She complains to her husband that it is way too warm in their house and that's why she can't have an orgasm.

The man decides to consult a sex therapist for a possible solution. The therapist says the man should cool his wife off by waf...

People have often said that bees making honey sounds cool...

...but honestly, I never understood what all the buzz was about.

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Cool Joke

So there is this bear and this rabbit walking together in the woods. They come across this mysterious lamp. Of course they rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says they get six wishes, three each. Meanwhile the bear is like "Oh yeah! Time to get some wishes!" and the rabbits just like "Oh this ...

For years as a kid I thought Satan was so cool.

Then I found out my uncle had dyslexia.

I saw on this girl's dating profile that she's a "health and fitness junkie." So that's cool...

We've got one of those three things in common.

Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15˚C...

and still be 0K?

I put the cool into school

And the lit into illiterate

Parallel universes are a cool concept

but there’s no way I could park in one.

Snow sculptures are cool!

Icy pose

Why is the hipster sweating?

Because he wore a scarf before it was cool.

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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