I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awful puns are jokes too.

I was telling my mate Edward that I couldn't stop referring to myself as male genetalia. He told me I could stop any time I wanted.

I said, "No, I'm a dick, Ted."

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

Insomnia is awful.......

but on the plus side, only three sleeps till Christmas!!

Why do ducks make for awful roommates?

They are always high on quack.

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

I just watched Godzilla Vs. Kong, it was awful...

...One could even say it’s Monstrous

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

Doctor says "I've got bad news and worse"

John says "Oh, no, what's the bad news?"

Doctor: "Well, the bad news is that you've got 24 hours to live"

John: "That's, that's awful, what could be worse than that?"

Doctor: "Well, I've been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder! "So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver...

I hate jokes about airline crashes

They're just plane awful.

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

Appreciating Art

A lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today. She informed me that she i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A genie once told me I could get an amazing memory and a small dick, or a huge dick and awful memory.

And I remember exactly what I chose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the awful news? The energizer bunny died of sexual malfunction.

Someone put the battery in backwards and he just kept coming and coming and coming and coming.

Having Gandalf as a driving instructor is awful

Keeps telling me I'm not gonna pass :(

Dave and the barber

So this guy Dave is in getting a haircut. He tells the barber, “I’m going on a three week vacation to Europe.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re going to hate it. Everything is so comp...

What feels really nice at home and is absolutely awful in public?

Sitting on a warm toilet seat...

The 2020’s were an awful decade.

I hope the 2021’s go by a lot faster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John, Paul and Frank go to heaven

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oranges sound excruciating

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and Lulu was among them:
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter.
Grandma asked. "Why are you standing i...

I opened an awful men’s wig shop.

It’s called hell toupee.

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.

He said he'd be right back

So there’s these three Catholic priests go fishing at the local lake for the day

While their there, they notice that the fish aren’t biting. They’re bored out of their minds until one of them says something about it.

The first priest mentions that “We always give confession amungst others, but we never have the opportunity to give it amungst ourselves.”

The other t...

I wanted to share this hilariously awful Polish joke with you, but...

I can't seem to find it on the PlayStation Store anymore.

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike and Mark

Mike and Mark are identical twin brothers.

Mike is a really good guy. Helps his friends in need, visits their mother regularly and is a pillar of their community.

Mark is a real ass. Self-centered, steals from his friends ignores their mother and is an all around douche bag.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with a robot is awful...

He just nuts and bolts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

There’s a peanut on an airplane

And he’s chatting it up with a flight attendant, this peanut’s name is Dillon. They’re having a very intimate conversation about where they’re from and where they are in life right now. Dillon is in the middle of explaining his ethnic background when the flight attendant interrupts him and says ‘No ...

Two eggs are taking a bath. ‘It’s awfully hot in here’ one egg says.

‘That’s what gets me hard’ the other egg answers.

Got a ferret a few days ago (old joke maybe repost)

My wife cried"What about the awful smell?"
I answered "He'll get used to it!"

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful.

He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

A: My dog has no nose.

B: How does he smell?

A: Awful.

What is Banana short for?

Barack O'Nana


I said this joke in a dream and it's awful but I needed to get it out of my head

My favourite part is that it doesn't even work if you read it in a north American accent lmao

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a wife with problems, it's awful I tell you!

She likes to talk during sex. Last week she called me from the Hotel.

Why do pandas make awful boyfriends?

Because he only eats shoots and leaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

200 IQ baby

Father: “Say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “No, say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”

Baby: “Fuck you”

*Mother arrives home*

Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?

Baby: “Fuck you”

Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a...

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Position

A young woman with oozing sores on her elbows and knees went to see a doctor. "You've got to help me," she said. "These sores won't heal. I can't wear any long sleeves or slacks, and they look awful." The doctor consulted his medical books and finally said, "I can only come up with one question to h...

A joke from the Soviet era.

Reagan is visiting the Soviet Union and arrives at the Ukrainian city of Odessa. Expecting a warm welcoming party by the people of the city, he is both shocked and offended that no one is greeting him at the city gates. The embarrassed Soviet officials scramble to find someone to fire the ceremonial...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful.

My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”

I said, “Get inside.”


credit: Anthony Jeselnik

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three female friends are at the bar, bragging about how much sex they get.

Somehow, this conversation gets to bragging about how loose they all are.

The first one says, "I get so much sex, I can fit two dicks at once, no problem!"

The second says, "Oh yeah? I get double- fisted every weekend and it feels great!"

They look at their third friend, and say...

The casting for Hamilton was awful,

It makes no sense cast an American to play King George who is obviously British.

[At dinner] Her: We have to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes.

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was dragged into a white van in the middle of the street

He finds himself in an interogation room where he is being accused with treason, and he must tell on his accomplices. The man is definitely innocent. After a few hours the investigators bring this big Russian guy , Igor, and tell him to go down to the basement and fuck the guy in the ass until he co...

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think your job is awful...

...Just remember that somewhere in Bavaria, Germany, there is some miserable bastard in charge of putting turn signals in BMWs.

Stung

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.

The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into his local tavern after being away at sea.

The owner greets him and says “Good to see you, friend. Hey, you didn’t have a peg leg last time you were in here. What happened?”

The pirate replied, “I fell off the deck during an awful storm. A shark bit off my leg while I was in the water, so now I have this peg leg.”

The owner sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An odd funeral...

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual funeral procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the doctor's with an awful rash on his penis

The doctor asks if the man had been overseas recently, to which the answer was yes (he had just returned from a holiday in Asia).

The Doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Hong Kong Dong and your penis needs to be removed."

The man was shocked and extremely upset.
He left...

Boy, I Had it Tough!, "I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.

"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had.".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loud Snoring At Camp

Four guys were at deer hunting camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Luigi because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Luigi and comes to breakfast the...

I thought people would take issue with my having two wives.

But everyone said it was awful bigamy.

A man wakes up at home with an awful hangover...

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest o...

I own the world's worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it's awful.

My wife told me to stop making awful dad jokes.

I told her that she can’t stop me. I’m a groan man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

So my wife died last night!

Mourning breath was awful this morning...

Doctor joke number 2

Patient) Doctor i was feeling awful and i had decided to commit suicide by taking 1000 aspirins.

Doctor) Really and what happened?

Patient) After the first 3 i felt a lot better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian and German go to hell...

Russian and German died and went to st. Peter. St. Peter asks both of them.
"Well, both of you did bad things in your life so you are definitely going to hell. But I'll give you a choice today. You can choose, go to Russian hell and eat a bucket of shit every morning or go to German hell and eat...

What is that awful smell?

Oh, it's just the ol' factory.

The Robot Family.

It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family. Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife Z7-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their ...

Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

This is an awfully hard time for me financially.

Last month I was unable to pay the bills to my exorcist and as a consequence I have been repossessed.

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

An awful joke that popped into my head

What do you give a dog that graduates from university?

A pedigree

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

Why would a tree make an awful Uber?

They can’t decide on a route.

This sub is just terrible bank of awful puns

and I'm losing interest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is watching this awful show about a fat, naked man masturbating

And then I realised that my TV wasn't turned on.

2020 has an awful beginning, God send out angels

Angels fly to Jan 28th in Jamaica and alert people "there will be a big earthquake". people saved there say to angels: "you saved many lives, please have a rest!"

Angels fly to Jan 26th in L.A USA and alert Kobe" there will be a flight crash", Kobe saved and says to angels "you saved many li...

A husband and wife have another awful argument,

The wife calls her mother. “I can't handle this anymore mom! I’m coming over to live with you.” To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.”

So I heard this pretty awful pun about eggs the other day....

and I was like oh no, not egg-hen!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from IRS shows up at the rabbi's house

"So, you produce a lot of waste during your ceremonies that could potentially be sold for profit but it's missing from your books, how do you account for that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the matzo bread you eat... It's awfully dry, it must surely leave a lot of crumbs... What do you d...

Halloween every year is awful.

Kids do not stop coming to my door for candy. Left and right, I have to say “I’m sorry. I don’t give out candy” so much that I just put a sign in my yard telling everyone this fact. However, they see lights and still come knocking on my door. This year, I’m going to do what I should have done years...

What's really good on pie and really awful on people?

Crust

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

A group of Americans were touring Ireland

One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your day...

What I had to do in Texas...

This is a pretty old one, but I figure it's worth telling just in case people on this sub haven't heard it.

In a typical wild west desert town, a typical rugged cowboy/drifter type rides his horse up to a saloon, then ties it to the post and saunters in for a drink. While he's drinking, some...

Why is it awful to be an egg?

You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a museum exhibit on feces, but the lighting was awful.

I couldn't see shit.

I rung up work this morning..

"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."

"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."

"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old lady in a bus

OL: stop the bus. I need to poop.
BD: gran, I can't stop the bus. We're 30 mins to a rest stop. Hold it in. It's just your imagination.
OL: really, stop the bus. It's peaking.
BD: it's just your imagination.
5 mins later, BD stopped the bus as he smelled something awful.
BD: gran, did...

The CEOs of Miller, Budweiser, Cours, and Guinness walk into a bar

The CEO of Miller says to the bartender, "I want the best beer you have, a Miller Lite."

"Oh no," says the Budweiser CEO. "Your head is on backwards. Me, I'll have the king of beers, a Budweiser."

"I'll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water," chimes in the Coors C...

An awful conductor...

So, a polish train conductor is carrying people to go out of the country. However, the tracks were icy because it was the middle of winter.
So the train slipped and rolled over eight times. Miraculously all but three people lived. When the conductor was trialed for manslaughter, he was found guil...

This is so awful. It must go on to infect others.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn trousers.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

A stoner comes to the doctors for some medical issues

The checkup is going well until the doctor notices an unrelated bruise on his leg. He asks the stoner and the guy elaborates.

“So my friend gave me a magic blunt,” the stoner says “my friend tells me that if I’m not careful then the blunt can cause problems and turn to stone. Well I ignored ...

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”
Suddenly she burst out crying.
“But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things...

And elderly couple...

hire an attorney and tell him they want to get divorced. He looks at them in shocked disbelief and exclaims, "Henry! Dorothy! You are both in your 90s. You've been married for 72 years. Why do you want a divorce now?"

Dorothy looks him in the eye and says, "It's been awful, but we wanted...

Did you know Yul Brynner smelt awful and was a Liverpool FC fan?

Yep, Yul never wore cologne.

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse...

... He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?" The Indian replied, "Many moons."

What makes an awful sniper?

Bad scoping mechanisms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While eating at their favorite diner, two Texans hear an awful choking sound.

They turn around to see a lady turning blue.


The first Texan rises, hitches up his jeans and walks over to the lady.

He asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asks. She again shakes her head no.


With that, he helps her to her feet, ...

With the weather conditions being as awful as they are, I thought I´d visit my 90 year old neighbour and ask if she needed anything from the shops.

Turns out she did, so I gave her my list too, no point in both of us going out in this weather!!

A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.

“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”

“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”

“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking,...

An awful joke

A kid is bored sitting in a waiting room, so he decides to tell the man sitting next to him a joke.

“Hey mister, wanna hear a joke?” Says the kid.

“Sure, Why not?” the man says.

“What do you get when you mix a giraffe and an octopus?”

“What?”

“Something very ugly!”...

Thumb in the soup at the restaurant

A man goes to a restaurant with his wife. They look at the menu and order some starters and two soups. After placing their orders they start to notice something strange: there is only one waiter and he puts his thumb in the soups of the other customers when he carries them to the tables. The man and...

A Man is in an Awful Car Accident [Long]

A man is in an awful car accident - so bad, that he is literally, well, decapitated.



Thanks to the miracle of science, however, his body was no longer needed, and his head was attached to a bionic system which made him stronger, faster, and he would live longer with it.


...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

Two farmers are sitting in a bar, feeling sad.

"I've had a horrible week," said Farmer Brown. "My tractor broke last week, and I have tried to buy a new one, but no one is selling a tractor at a reasonable price."

"Let me tell you something that happened yesterday," said Farmer Gray. "Yesterday I went into my barn to milk the meanest cow ...

I slept with my best friend’s wife and now I feel awful.

She must have given me the flu or something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nun's Story

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go ov...

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?

The 2016 election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has neve...

What makes awesome good and awful bad?

What makes awe**some** good and aw**ful** bad?



Moderation

A charity office noticed that their town's most successful lawyer had never given any of his hundreds of thousands of dollars to the charity. One of the charity reps called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that, despite your wealth, you haven't given a cent to charity," said the charity rep. "Wouldn't you like to make at least a small donation?"

"Did you research also tell you that my mother is dying of cancer?" replied the lawyer.

"No," answered the charity rep.
<...

I heard the employee healthcare plan for Apple is awful

It only covers iDoctors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

On our honeymoon my new wife told me I was an awful lover.

I don't know how she could determine that in 2 minutes.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.