UPJOKE
terribledreadfulhorrendoushorrificterriblydreadfearfulfearsomefrightfulfrighteningdireabominablehorriblebadlousy

Awful Jokes

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.

He said he'd be right back

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

A man wakes up at home with an awful hangover...

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest o...

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

Why do anarchists have awful taste?

They have an aversion to things that rule.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady took her awful grandkids to the Grand Canyon.

These kids were the worst. Constantly fighting, constantly screaming, constantly doing things they shouldn't, actively trying to piss off everyone else. Finally they sent her over the edge. >!Those kids are stronger than they look.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with a robot is awful...

He just nuts and bolts

I'm really awful at remembering classic sayings but you know what they say

Practise makes it better

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful.

He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Willy was bashful, awful bashful.

Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves' bull. Everybody was out but Elsie Graves, and Elsie wasn't bashful at all. Willy, he stood there turning red and he couldn't even talk. Elsie says, 'I know what you come for; the bull's out in back a the barn.'

Well, they took the heifer out ...

Insomnia is awful.......

but on the plus side, only three sleeps till Christmas!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awful puns are jokes too.

I was telling my mate Edward that I couldn't stop referring to myself as male genetalia. He told me I could stop any time I wanted.

I said, "No, I'm a dick, Ted."

I’m tired of hearing people say British food tastes awful. In fact, British food is the third most delicious food in the world

The first being French food, and the second is food from all other countries.

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

Why do ducks make for awful roommates?

They are always high on quack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes are like U.S. Presidents

This one is fucking awful

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has neve...

I just watched Godzilla Vs. Kong, it was awful...

...One could even say it’s Monstrous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is just awful, but I laughed. From a member of my weekly volunteer teaching group in Japan: My friend called me up and asked, "Hey are you free tonight?"

I replied, "Of course, I'm an American."

I made an awful joke about an axe and no one laughed...

It wasn't very cleaver.

Why do pandas make awful boyfriends?

Because he only eats shoots and leaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lead actress in the local theatre production of the "Diary of Anne Frank" was so awful

That in the scene where the Nazi officer enters and shouts

" Where isth she ? "

"In the attic" shouted half of the audience

The 2020’s were an awful decade.

I hope the 2021’s go by a lot faster.

Having Gandalf as a driving instructor is awful

Keeps telling me I'm not gonna pass :(

An awful conductor...

So, a polish train conductor is carrying people to go out of the country. However, the tracks were icy because it was the middle of winter.
So the train slipped and rolled over eight times. Miraculously all but three people lived. When the conductor was trialed for manslaughter, he was found guil...

The casting for Hamilton was awful,

It makes no sense cast an American to play King George who is obviously British.

My thesaurus is awful.

Not only that, it's also awful.

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

I opened an awful men’s wig shop.

It’s called hell toupee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think your job is awful...

...Just remember that somewhere in Bavaria, Germany, there is some miserable bastard in charge of putting turn signals in BMWs.

What is that awful smell?

Oh, it's just the ol' factory.

An awful joke

A kid is bored sitting in a waiting room, so he decides to tell the man sitting next to him a joke.

“Hey mister, wanna hear a joke?” Says the kid.

“Sure, Why not?” the man says.

“What do you get when you mix a giraffe and an octopus?”

“What?”

“Something very ugly!”...

Halloween every year is awful.

Kids do not stop coming to my door for candy. Left and right, I have to say “I’m sorry. I don’t give out candy” so much that I just put a sign in my yard telling everyone this fact. However, they see lights and still come knocking on my door. This year, I’m going to do what I should have done years...

This sub is just terrible bank of awful puns

and I'm losing interest

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

Why is it awful to be an egg?

You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.

What feels really nice at home and is absolutely awful in public?

Sitting on a warm toilet seat...

Why would a tree make an awful Uber?

They can’t decide on a route.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a wife with problems, it's awful I tell you!

She likes to talk during sex. Last week she called me from the Hotel.

An awful joke that popped into my head

What do you give a dog that graduates from university?

A pedigree

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the awful news? The energizer bunny died of sexual malfunction.

Someone put the battery in backwards and he just kept coming and coming and coming and coming.

I wanted to share this hilariously awful Polish joke with you, but...

I can't seem to find it on the PlayStation Store anymore.

A husband and wife have another awful argument,

The wife calls her mother. “I can't handle this anymore mom! I’m coming over to live with you.” To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.”

This is awful but what does Mike Tyson say when he gets the job as Death?

"I had my scythe set on you for quite some time."

Sorry I'm bored and just thought of this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A genie once told me I could get an amazing memory and a small dick, or a huge dick and awful memory.

And I remember exactly what I chose.

What makes an awful sniper?

Bad scoping mechanisms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

Oh No! Not ELON!

Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.

After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.

The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....

"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the doctor's with an awful rash on his penis

The doctor asks if the man had been overseas recently, to which the answer was yes (he had just returned from a holiday in Asia).

The Doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Hong Kong Dong and your penis needs to be removed."

The man was shocked and extremely upset.
He left...

My wife told me to stop making awful dad jokes.

I told her that she can’t stop me. I’m a groan man.

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know th...

What's really good on pie and really awful on people?

Crust

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

Mom can I get a motorcycle?

Do you remember what happened to your uncle Louie?

That horrible, awful accident that killed him…

So you don’t want me to buy a motorcycle?



No, you can have his

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

"I was 19" says the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out

"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately,...

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is watching this awful show about a fat, naked man masturbating

And then I realised that my TV wasn't turned on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While eating at their favorite diner, two Texans hear an awful choking sound.

They turn around to see a lady turning blue.


The first Texan rises, hitches up his jeans and walks over to the lady.

He asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asks. She again shakes her head no.


With that, he helps her to her feet, ...

A Man is in an Awful Car Accident [Long]

A man is in an awful car accident - so bad, that he is literally, well, decapitated.



Thanks to the miracle of science, however, his body was no longer needed, and his head was attached to a bionic system which made him stronger, faster, and he would live longer with it.


...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

This is so awful. It must go on to infect others.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn trousers.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

What's the difference between awkward and awful?

Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a museum exhibit on feces, but the lighting was awful.

I couldn't see shit.

Awful food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in New York..

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and no...

So I heard this pretty awful pun about eggs the other day....

and I was like oh no, not egg-hen!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

200 IQ baby

Father: “Say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “No, say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”

Baby: “Fuck you”

*Mother arrives home*

Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?

Baby: “Fuck you”

Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

"I'd like to return this gum, it tastes awful"

"Um, sir, those are bandaids."

"I'd like to return these bandaids. I think someone ate some."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful.

My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”

I said, “Get inside.”


credit: Anthony Jeselnik

What’s great is US but awful in UAE

getting stoned

My new thesaurus is truly awful!

I honestly have no words to describe how angry I am!

[At dinner] Her: We have to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes.

Me: Ok. And for the main course?

Why do blondes make awful bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

I heard the employee healthcare plan for Apple is awful

It only covers iDoctors

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool

...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope.

Now you've got a swing.

Did you know Yul Brynner smelt awful and was a Liverpool FC fan?

Yep, Yul never wore cologne.

I slept with my best friend’s wife and now I feel awful.

She must have given me the flu or something.

This is an awfully hard time for me financially.

Last month I was unable to pay the bills to my exorcist and as a consequence I have been repossessed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"

The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"

The ballad of Awful Ed

A British man was tending a bar in the wild west Americas of 1867. He hadn't owned the bar long, but for the most part it was quiet in the town where he did his business.

One day, a cowboy in a panic ran into the bar screaming "Everybody run for your lives! Awful Ed is coming to town!!!". Alm...

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

On our honeymoon my new wife told me I was an awful lover.

I don't know how she could determine that in 2 minutes.

What do you call a German cowboy with awful dress sense?

Hans of the vile vile vest

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.