UPJOKE
ridiculousfoolishgoofywackypatheticstupidfrivolousidioticabsurddumbludicrousnonsensicalfunnyweirdcolloquialism

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

i came up with this one and i think its a little silly. what do you call it when a missile fails to reach it’s destination?

projectile dysfunction

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

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The other day I asked my wife to hand me the newspaper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."...

That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.

i just learned that Darth Vader loved watching silly comedies.

May the farce be with you.

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

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"Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was 'really silly'?"

"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."

Silly Dry Humor.

There were three brothers, Foot, Footfoot and Footfootfoot.

They were living their lives for years but someday Foot became gravely ill and died.After 1 month of mourning Footfoot said to Footfootfoot.

Brother it's been 1 month of mourning and crying over our brother's grave, I can't ta...

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An old woman walks into a bank

She asks for a meeting with the bank manager to set up an account. She explains that she wants to deposit five million dollars.

The bank manager says "If you don't mind my asking, where do you get all of your money?"

The old woman says "I'm a professional bettor."

"So like sport...

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An Englishman asked a Frenchman his favorite animal.

The Frenchman forgot the word in English and said, "My favorite animal is a phoque!"

The Englishman said, "Wait, you said your favorite animal is a fuck?"

"No, silly! A *phoque*!"

"Yeah, a fuck. I get it! But that's not an animal."

"No, a phoque! Especially the ones that...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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Judge- “So Mickey, you’re telling me you want to divorce Minnie because she is extremely silly?”

Mickey- “No, I didn’t say she was extremely silly. I said she is fucking Goofy.”

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A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells: “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man:

“Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?”

The man responds:

“Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”;

S...

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

Old Man VS KGB

An old man somewhere in the Soviet Union's has dug his vase. Early in the morning two KGB officers show up at his place and ask him about his vase. He swears to God that he hasn't got any food.
Then they give him a shovel and point at the place to dig.
He digs the vase.
"Huh you silly old m...

The Russian Potato Crop The Agricultural managers always have to report the yearly crop numbers to the Chairman, and they always lie a little to make themselves look good. But one year the potato crop is very bad.

The potatoes are small, and there aren't very many of them. But the managers tell the Chairman, "There are so many potatoes! We have made a huge mountain of them, that reaches all the way up to God." the Chairman says, "Don't be silly now, you know God doesn't really exist." The managers look at eac...

My neighbor tried to blame me for messing up his drive way

But it was his own silly Asphalt

A dog goes in to the telegram office

A dog goes in to the telegram office, says "I'd like to send a telegram to London. Here's a card with the recipient's details. I'd like the telegram to say:

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

The attendant says, "No worries good sir. Just so you know, we charge by the word and we a...

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

Silly Rabbi

There was a village at the base of a mountain inhabited by mystical creatures known as Trids.
Each year the Trids would climb the mountain. At the very top of the mountain lived a goblin. Upon reaching the top of the mountain the goblin would kick the Trids back down. The Trids loved this tradit...

A young man was sitting outside a pub...

....having a drink and generally feeling good about life when out of absolutely nowhere he was struck across the face by a newspaper wielded by a furious nun. She began sounding off to him about the evils of drink.

"How dare you, you scoundrel! Have you no shame?! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol i...

People sound really silly complaining about Cyber Punk 2077.

After all, the game was released 57 years early.

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A professional gambler dies and goes to Heaven.

A gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder.....

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

Eskimo.

An Eskimo took 6 months to build an igloo, he was so proud of it he bragged to all his fellow Eskimos and invited them over for a party.


Silly move.

It was a house warming party...

Elephant.

Why do elephants have four feet.?

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They would look silly with four inches.

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart...

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"


"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.


"John," she said, (firm loose b...

English can be a silly language...

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications (rather than German, which was the other possibility).

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling h...

I think the world’s greatest dad trophy my kids just got me is kinda silly.

I think I was the only one that knew it was a competition.

Their bio dad definitely didn’t.

Silly kids Halloween joke

What does a Pikachu dressed as a ghost say?









Pika-pika booooo

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

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Peeing at a festival

Last weekend I was at a festival, where the toilets were always crowded. So, like most men, I went to the bushes to pee. Here I saw that the man next to me was peeing through two jets. I got curious so I asked how he did it.

“I fought in Iraq”, he said, “and got hit by a shard of a bullet. Si...

Son: Mom, do you think the kids at school will pick on me?

Mom: Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would you say that?

Why did Silly Billy tip toe past the medicine cabinet?

He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

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A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

The one about the quickly wed couple

So a man, lets call him Dan, meets this girl, we'll call her Stacy, on a blind date. They hit it off right away and chat the night away. Well they go on another date, this one went even better than the last, Dan's heart flutters every time he thinks of her. So then Dan asks her on a third date and t...

Why was the goose acting so silly?

He was on quack!

Silly joke from 5yo neighbor girl: "What did the sick cook make for lunch?"

Mac and sneeze.

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Magical Octopus

There was once a Man who traveled with the local fair, portraying his Magical Octopus. One fair a little boy cam up and said "how is he magical?" the man replied with " he can sing and play any instrument" so the little boy handed over his harmonica to the octopus. The octopus glanced at it, picked ...

A young, extremely perky woman gets into an elevator with an older man...

The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!

The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."

The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."

He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.

Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank ...

which came first, the chicken or the egg?

the chicken, silly! eggs don't have legs, so it would still be stuck on the starting line when the chicken crossed the finish.

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making silly puns about her dark yellow oven glove.

However, I wasn't expecting to wake up this morning and find her gone, I mustard mitt.

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prize winning pig [long]

The Johnson brothers have had longstanding rivalry with fellow farmers the Taft brothers for a decade. The Taft brothers constantly show them up, and Billy (the oldest) decides he's finally had enough, and this year they are going to win the prize for biggest pig at the county fair. He comes up with...

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A husband and wife lay in bed watching tv together

with the remote in his hand, he continuously flicks between 2 channels. one features men fishing while the other contains a lot of sex scenes.

after watching one for about a minute, he flicks back to the other. the wife, who is now annoyed with his indecisiveness, demands that he choose one s...

A joke about mahogany breast implants would be silly

Wooden Tit

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said "you know you wanna"

Jill said yes and lifted up her dress they had some fun

But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn.

Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth", and went to sleep.
Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.

"What the heck are you doing?" he asked
"I'm count...

Trix are for kids!

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.
The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community’s minister to reason with the giant. But before ...

Two blonds walk into a tanning salon…

The receptionist asks, “Are you two sisters?” One replies, “No silly, we’re not even Catholic”.

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Pinocchio and Geppetto are sitting talking one day

Geppetto asks "what's the matter Pinocchio? You seem really depressed"

Pinocchio then replies " aw it's just me and my girlfriend are having problems with our sex life. Every time we try to have sex, she's always complaining about getting splinters and I really don't know what to do about it....

The result of a silly mistake...

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

Help! Please explain this silly kids joke to me...

This joke has been bugging me on and off for around 30-years. I read it in some kind of '1000 jokes for kids' type book - probably written around 1985'ish. The joke is pretty stupid - and i'm reasonably sure it would still be pretty stupid if I actually understood it - however for some unexplained...

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire" is a silly name for a show; everyone wants to be a millionaire. The only people who don't want to be millionaires...

are billionaires.

Some people say Canadian province names are silly.

Personally, I'll have Nunavut.

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"I can't feel my legs!" (Christmas Edition)

Pt. 1

A guy wakes up in a hospital and starts screaming, "I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs! " A nurse rushes to his bed and says, "Of course not, you silly thing, they amputated your arms!"

Pt. 2

Do you know what the poor guy got for Christmas? No? Well, neither does...

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Tailpipe

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at leas...

I'm gonna start a taxi company and employ only lovable, silly, lighthearted drivers.

I'll call it Goober

I never remember silly things

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.

One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.

“Really?”,

one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few ...

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I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild,
romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now',
...

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge!

'Don't be silly' says the Doctor 'What's come over you?'

'So far this morning, six cars, a tractor and a mini bus' replies the patient

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Making a prosthetic boob from a tree would be really silly...

Wooden tit

What Is The Difference Between A Tube And A Foolish Dutchman?

One is a hollow cylinder, and the other a silly Hollander.

Silly Billy

(Its a translation of a popular joke from my country. My English is a bit rusty. )

So Silly Billy was driving and he had a door on the roof of his car. A Police Officer pulled him over.

Police Officer - Where are you taking this door?

Billy - Oh, I am taking it to the locksmith....

Hats off to those people brave enough to wear those silly New Years hats at work.

No... I meant take your hats off. You look stupid.

The famed Montana Buffalo Steak

A cowboy rode to Montana to try the famed Buffalo Steak he had heard about in his travels. He ventured to a tribe of Natives and asked if they had ever herd of or eaten Buffalo steaks before. He of course did not speak their language, but they understood his silly gestures, nodded and equally gestur...

Silly Billy went in a library and said, " I would like to have a pizza."

Librarian - " Sir, this is a library."

Billy goes near his ear
and whispers - " I would like to have a pizza."

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Relax silly!

After having sex with the woman he met, the man sat up against the bed board and started to examine the room. He quickly noticed a picture of an adult male on the beside table.

"Um... Excuse me lady who the hell is that? you didn't tell me you had a husband!" The man yelled

The lady ga...

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My friends username

Was ßilly ßadass.

I thought it made him look silly and sad.

And yes, I know this joke is groß.

Old Marsh was walking home drunk...

...though the graveyard, and the silly ol' sod fell into an open grave just as it started to rain. He tried to climb up the sides but repeatedly slid on the mud, back into the grave. Finally, he resigned himself to his fate and settled into a dark corner of the pit to wait out the storm.

An...

A priest, a philosopher and a politician are playing golf. However, the holes are being blocked by a man seemingly doing silly moves with the club and failing to reach the holes.

The three men start complaining, but the field's manager tells them that the man is blind.

The priest says:

- I'm thankful to Lord that he has given me the sight to see people's failings and tell them the Gospel!

The philosopher says:

- When you think about it, the diffic...

My gf is one of those people who ruin films by asking silly questions when you're trying to concentrate...

Last night we were watching *Schindler's List* when she leant over and whispered in my ear "why are you fapping?"

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"I'm sorry Mickey, I can't file divorce just because you think Minnie's silly."

"Your honor, I don't think you understand. She's *fucking* Goofy!"

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I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes.

I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.

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I'll see myself out.

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“But honey, what about our child?”

“What child?!”

“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

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Did you hear about Mickey and Minnie?

They’re going through a real rough divorce. Things got so chaotic in the courtroom—Minnie was screaming, Mickey threw a chair—that the judge took Mickey back into his quarters to calm him down.

As he’s talking to him the judge says “I just don’t understand it you guys seemed so happy. And th...

Those silly Catholics....

How do you get a nun pregnant??

Dress her up like an alter boy ^.^

Silly Grandad

Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its calle...

(Silly joke) On which starwars planet would you find sheep?

Degobahhhh

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

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Don't be silly, I'm not objectifying women.

I'm not sexually attracted to objects.

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I have a silly friend named Oedipus...

He's a stupid motherfucker.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Set up by a 4 year old

True story. This morning my 4 year old granddaughter asked if I new what a baby jumper was. I told told her I didn’t know. So she grinned, began jumping up and down, and told me it’s a baby that jumps.

Bear with me. I didn’t realize her literal answer was just a set up.

She then asked ...

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