It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

Silly Russian joke

Flight attendant is making an announcement:
*-Is there an anesthesiologist on board?*
Some bloke says:
*-I am anesthesiologist!*
The flight attended tells him to come to seat 12A. He comes to the seat 12A and there is another bloke pouring vodka into plastic cups. He says:
*...

Silly joke from 5yo neighbor girl: "What did the sick cook make for lunch?"

Mac and sneeze.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judge- “So Mickey, you’re telling me you want to divorce Minnie because she is extremely silly?”

Mickey- “No, I didn’t say she was extremely silly. I said she is fucking Goofy.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff

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A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

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NAOMI: Did you know that my name backwards is ‘I MOAN’? That’s just so funny because I love moaning.

LANA: You can just fuck off with your silly games.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
<...

Why was the goose acting so silly?

He was on quack!

True story but funny.

While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity.



I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it... tax dollars in ac...

Where are the Super Duper Missile Project offices located?

Right next door to the The Ministry of Silly Walks of course.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

A dangerous pun...

Two Mexicans got lost in the desert.

Juan says to Miguel.

'look, Miguel, it is a bacon tree!'

'Don't be silly Juan it is a mirage, do not waste your energy!'

'miguel, I am so thirsty and hungry I must go and investigate,'

As Juan approaches two men jump out and sho...

A joke about mahogany breast implants would be silly

Wooden Tit

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a

big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips

her knickers off and says

'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' sa...

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

Samwise is preparing for his wedding...

He gathers his fellow hobbits around and then turns to Pippin.
"Pippin, I want you to be my best man."
Pippin is overjoyed, but before he can celebrate, there's a sound of someone crying, he turns and sees Frodo standing there with teary eyes.
"But Sam, what about me?" Frodo so...

At one point, a brother cell and sister cell were together as one being

They fought a lot and it was usually the sister cell who started it and the brother cell was very impatient.

One day the brother cell was very angry. He was very irritable. He was ready to take some drastic actions if anything tipped him over the edge.

The sister cell, noticing his v...

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making silly puns about her dark yellow oven glove.

However, I wasn't expecting to wake up this morning and find her gone, I mustard mitt.

My girlfriend said to me, "Look at me, I'm getting fat"

I told her "Don't be silly... You've always been fat"

A boy and girl are playing in a swimming pool...

The boy says to the girl... I’m going to duck you!
The girl laughs and says... don’t be silly you can’t even say it properly

Jack and Jill went up a hill.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said "I know you wanna."

Jill said yes, took off her dress and they had some fun.

But silly Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

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Mickey Mouse finds himself in front of a divorce hearing..

Judge " Mr. Mouse I can't see on these grounds to grant the divorce on the fact Miney Mouse is fucking silly"

Mickey Mouse " Your honor I never said she was fucking silly I said she was fucking Goofy"

One my dad loves to tell from time to time.

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire" is a silly name for a show; everyone wants to be a millionaire. The only people who don't want to be millionaires...

are billionaires.

Having 12 pet birds sound a bit silly...

Dozen tit.

Why was the iPhone wearing glasses?

It lost all its contacts.





Part of my WFH agreement is that I have to check in with my Director (I'm IT PM) every day, so rather than just saying "morning - I'm on!" I am sending her a silly IT joke :D Any good suggestions?

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My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

English can be a silly language...

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications (rather than German, which was the other possibility).

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling h...

The result of a silly mistake...

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

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What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

Confession: I believed in Santa Claus until I was 15.

I cringe at my stupidity looking back, but fortunately I've come to my senses and don't believe in silly fairy tales anymore, thank God.

Two blondes find a set of tracks in the snow.

"They're rabbit tracks!" Said Trixie.

"No, silly, they're Bear tracks!" Said Susie.

This went on for a while, until the train hit them.

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Reese and his girlfriend get pulled over for speeding

Reese: Is there a problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone
Reese: No, I was only going 65
Reese's girlfriend: Oh Reese, you were going at least 80
Reese: \*glares at his girlfriend\*
Cop: I'm also writing you a ticked for your broken taillight
Reese...

I'm gonna start a taxi company and employ only lovable, silly, lighthearted drivers.

I'll call it Goober

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the car...

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With age, you gain wisdom.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. She even kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the check out and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look...

What borders on silly?

México & Canada

If you are telling your friend Lee about your silly seal named Sealie, you'd say, "See my silly Sealie seal, Lee."

... sorry, I'm a new dad.

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

He says: "Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."

The bartender does just that and hands him the bill. The drunk goes: "Oh I don't have enough money"

The bartender slaps him a few times and tosses him out.

The next day the same guy wal...

Alexa where is my father?

A girl was sitting on the couch watching a movie with her family when she suddenly gets the idea to see if Alexa can tell that her father is watching the movie as well, so she tells her family to wait and check this out and proceeds to pause the movie and asks out loud Alexa where is my dad?
"He ...

A yak walks into a bar and orders a beer.

He asks the bartender, "Do you have any gluten free snacks to go with the beer?"

"Why do you think we would have gluten free snacks?", quips the bartender.

"I'm sorry, I'm a silly yak", says the yak.

A foolish Dutchman

What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman?

One is a hollow cylinder

and the other a silly Hollander.

Why do bears have a fur coat

Because they would look silly in a sweater (I got that from my grandpa)

A dignified matron notices that although her dog is affectionate,

he no longer comes when she calls him. Worried that something might be wrong, she takes him to the vet.

The vet examines the dog and says, "He's fine, it's just that his ear canals are blocked by fur, so he can't hear you. I can trim it near the surface, but it's also growing farther down i...

A priest, a philosopher and a politician are playing golf. However, the holes are being blocked by a man seemingly doing silly moves with the club and failing to reach the holes.

The three men start complaining, but the field's manager tells them that the man is blind.

The priest says:

- I'm thankful to Lord that he has given me the sight to see people's failings and tell them the Gospel!

The philosopher says:

- When you think about it, the diffic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: "I fell in love with a beautiful girl."

Father: "That's great, do I know her?"

Son: "Yes, it is Andrea who lives across the street."

Father: "Oh that is bad, I am sorry, don't tell this to your mom but Andrea is your sister."

The boy is upset, but accepts the truth.

After few months he comes to his dad again...

a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde were walking through the woods.

They were making their way for quite some time, when all of a sudden, they stumbled upon a pair of mysterious tracks belonging to an animal they've never seen before.


The brunette gets down and takes a closer look. " you guys are silly, these are obviously deer tracks " she laughs. ...

Help! Please explain this silly kids joke to me...

This joke has been bugging me on and off for around 30-years. I read it in some kind of '1000 jokes for kids' type book - probably written around 1985'ish. The joke is pretty stupid - and i'm reasonably sure it would still be pretty stupid if I actually understood it - however for some unexplained...

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

why did silly Billy tip toe passed the medicine cabinet?

Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

Some people say Canadian province names are silly.

Personally, I'll have Nunavut.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

Very long.

First off, let me describe to you a little creature.

There lives in the forest a little guy known as a 'Twid'. A Twid resembles nothing so much as a Smurf on psychedelics. They have punked out hair, multi-colored skin, tattoos and piercings. Also, the sole reason for a Twid's existence on th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I asked my wife to hand me the news paper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."...

That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.

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I was riding my motorcycle down a serpentine in Switzerland

When I entered a small forest in the valley a deer showed up in the middle of the road, and in spite of all of my maneuvering I crashed in to it and flew into a ditch going along the road and passed out. When I woke up and climbed up back to the road i saw a beautiful old cabriolet with a hot brunet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Making a prosthetic boob from a tree would be really silly...

Wooden tit

A man gets his favorite's sports team hat stolen...

Angry and in a fuss, he stomps around his living wondering who took it. He loves his team and he misses his hat.

So he hatches a plan.

"I know, ill go to church, during sermon ill sneak to coat check. For sure someone is gonna have the same hat and i'll just take it. Ya that'll show e...

Hats off to those people brave enough to wear those silly New Years hats at work.

No... I meant take your hats off. You look stupid.

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“But honey, what about our child?”

“What child?!”

“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.

[Long] Rabbi Goldman, World Traveller, comes to a lovely island in the South Pacific.

It's a beautiful place, lush and vibrant, and it's home to a tribe called the Trids. Goldman makes a good impression on them, and they're a very welcoming people already, so it' s not long before they're having a nice cookout to welcome him.

While they're eating, Rabbi Goldman looks inland, a...

Those silly Catholics....

How do you get a nun pregnant??

Dress her up like an alter boy ^.^

Date: What do you do for a living?

Me: I am an investment banker by day, but an alien hunter by night.

Date: Silly you, there are no aliens.

Me: You're welcome!

I never remember silly things

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.

One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.

“Really?”,

one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few ...

Can a woman have a child in her 70s?

No, children are zero when born silly!

My gf is one of those people who ruin films by asking silly questions when you're trying to concentrate...

Last night we were watching *Schindler's List* when she leant over and whispered in my ear "why are you fapping?"

Coding humor

99 silly bugs in the code,
99 silly bugs,
Pass one down,
Patch it around,
127 silly bugs in the code!

(Silly joke) On which starwars planet would you find sheep?

Degobahhhh

Silly Billy

(Its a translation of a popular joke from my country. My English is a bit rusty. )

So Silly Billy was driving and he had a door on the roof of his car. A Police Officer pulled him over.

Police Officer - Where are you taking this door?

Billy - Oh, I am taking it to the locksmith....

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