Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

You’re so ugly that when you were born….

Your mother said “what a little treasure.”

Your father replied “yeah let’s bury it.”

Your mama is so ugly

The world faked a virus just to get a mask on her face.

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"

Boyfriend: "You're both."

Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"

Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

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An ugly man is sitting alone in a bar when suddenly a beautiful woman approaches him.

The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?"

The man is stunned as he never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees.

They both get into his car and drive out past the edge of town. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city.

Wit...

Yo mamas so ugly

Her portraits hang themselves

A woman gets on to a bus, holding her unfortunately ugly baby.

The driver laughs and says "what an ugly kid!"

Fuming, the woman sits down and turns to the man next to her. "That driver was so rude to me. I should really give him a piece of my mind."

The man nods sympathetically. "You go tell him, I'll hold your dog."

Yo mama so ugly, when she was young,

her mama left her outside a store and got fined for littering.

Yo mamma so ugly

She looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

An ugly arrogant woman NSFW

An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7.

Why the h...

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

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At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

I knew this girl, pretty ugly,(kind of a dog), but she always had a fashionable wardrobe.

She was a woof, in chic clothing.

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Your mama so ugly

Her blowjobs count as anal

kind of ugly



A guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "sheesh, what an ugly kid!"


The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."


The guy, pretty embarrassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"


"I'm his m...

Yo mama is so ugly

Yo mama is so ugly she tried to enter an ugly contest, but they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama's so ugly

She went to a haunted house and came out with a job application

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3 Ugly Dudes

3 ugly guys were sick and tired of being ugly so they went to see a witch and ask for her advice.

The witch instructs the three to go to one specific bridge, jump off of it and while falling, yell how they want to look like. They could even simply name any celebrity and look like them.
...

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I'm not saying I'm ugly.

But when I'm watching porn the hot sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

A short and ugly man had another unsuccessful date

In frustration, he slammed the table he was sitting at. “I can’t live like this anymore!” he screamed. “Life is too cruel to people like me!”

His waitress saw this outburst and came by.
“Don’t despair, sir. There’s a group of people who are physically smaller than average and heavily scr...

Yo momma is so ugly

Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn’t

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money l make

Now they call poor and ugly.

Yo mama so ugly

She entered a Miss America pageant and nearly lost her citizenship.

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

How can you tell a woman is really ugly?

A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.

Ugly Patient

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied...

I'm so ugly...

I'm so ugly that when I entered my dog in an ugly dog contest, they gave me the ribbon and a scratch behind the ear!

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Yo mama so ugly

when she gives head, it counts as anal.

If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly

They would find me atractive

I'm not saying my wife is ugly but...

Years of chewing tobacco has discoloured her tooth

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

***Thomas, Jane or the fat and ugly one?***

I'm not saying the women in my local pub are ugly...

But there's a paper bag machine in the gents'.

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat she has her own gravity

But she so ugly people are still repelled by her

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

When you feel yourself ugly and poor,

don't be so desperated, at least you have good judgement

I just had a nightmare where I was ugly.

But I just woke up and looked in the mirror, _dreams really do come true!_

Yo momma so ugly...

We’re gonna lie to her that the pandemic isn’t over so she can keep her mask on.

Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?"

Husband: "Right"

What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A tinder surprise.

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins,

so he asked, "Do you play hockey?"

"No."

"Do you play soccer?"

"No."

"Do you play any other physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

Yo mama so ugly...

The beggar gave her money to get a surgery.

Yo mamma so ugly

The CDC recommends she continue to wear a mask after the pandemic is over.

What's a fast way to lose ten pounds of ugly weight?

Cut off your head.

Never let anyone tell you that you are ugly.

Because you know that yourself.

Two girls are applying for a job interview, one was super beautiful while the other with super ugly,

The boss looked at them and said " I don't care about your looks, my only criteria is if you are qualified for the job, the one who answer my question will be hired"

Then he asked the beautiful girl " what is China's population?" the girl answered " 1,400 billion"

The boss said " good...

I sold the ugly suit!

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ...

I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...

"You must be single"

"Because of what im buying?"

"No, because youre ugly"

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The Trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Delta," was the ...

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Wanda needs a dishwasher repairman.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't b...

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I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.

Seriously, what is the world cumming to?

My friend has been going to the gym because people kept calling him "fat" and "ugly".

Now they just call him "ugly".

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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

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So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket f...

Born so ugly

The proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth

Do you ever looked at someone and think, "DAMN this guy is UGLY as F**K"?

Anyway, I'm getting rid of all the mirrors in my house.

Yo mamma’s so ugly...

Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking

just in case I start seeing two of you...

Ugly Ones

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous.

God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throu...

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day

Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

If someone gave you $200 because “you’re ugly”, would you take the money?

Me: Absolutely! I’m ugly, not stupid.

Not a proper joke but it was the smart answer that made me giggle.

You know the story of the ugly duckling?

Pretty fowl story

You can't be trans and say that you're ugly

You're a customisable character

Looks doesn´t really matter

* Girl: The reason why you´re still single is because your standards are too high. Looks doesn´t really matter, you know.
* Boy: Wow! You´re the first non-beautiful person that I´ve heard say that looks doesn´t matter..
* Girl: WHAT?! Are you calling ME ugly!!!
* Boy: Why so upset? You just...

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This girl told me my shoes were "fucking ugly"

So me being who I am, I took a trip to Foot Locker. I came back about 2 hours later.

"Hey so I went to the shoe store..."

The girl looked at my shoes, disguised.

"You didn't get any new shoes..."

I looked at her very confused

"OH no I wasn't going to buy shoes, I ...

Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...

You're either ugly or your mean. You can't be both.

Mitch McConnell: "Allow me to introduce myself"

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

A man is tossed off an ocean liner and ends up on a desert island..

There are 2 other men who were living on the island so the man pitched a house and stayed waiting to be rescued. After 2 weeks, the other 2 men go and take a bath in the springs, shave their faces with cut glass and comb the rats out of their hair. The new man asks, "*what are you doing that for?*" ...

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Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

My woman is so ugly that we only make love like spies

Undercover.

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

You know you're ugly...

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

You’re momma so ugly

That when bob the builder see her he says I can’t fix that

Sorry, it won't happen again!

Yo mamma is so ugly, when she brought a pig into Walmart, the manager said, "Get that pig out of here," and the pig said, "Sorry, it won't happen again!"

A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby.

I told him, "that's a really nice phone."

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A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”

Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”

A man was making a robot out of whatever he could find

The head was an old toaster, the torso a series of welded wrenches and bolts, the arms and legs bits of rebar. It wasn’t pretty, so he gave it an ugly name: Brek.

The thing worked fine, but it wasn’t terribly balanced. The left hand was heavier than the other, so it always leaned to the left....

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How I lost my Teeth

I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”

I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.

So I said, “ Well you bett...

A man ask a pretty women: ”if there is a scale of a person’s looking, on the left is ugly, and on the right is pretty, so what do you think of me?”

”I think you are in the middle,” says the women.

”So my looking is just okay,” says the man, a bit disappointed.

”No, you are pretty ugly, ” says the women.

My blow up doll is ugly as sin

But she always manages to take my breath away

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

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Fuck ugly people.

That way you'll finally get laid.

Your mom is so ugly that. . . .

The entire world created a virulent strain of Coronavirus just so she'd wear a mask.

And she's so dumb, she thinks that masks aren't effective.

Some guys are just lucky

Despite being ugly, poor and old, my neighbor manages to always bring a new young girl home from the bar every night.
I don't get it, he's not even a great conversationalist, he just sits at the bar licking his eyebrows all night.

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Think of this every time I check out

I'm in the grocery store ready to check out. Hot pockets, pack of ramen, single roll of TP, bottle of soda,

Cute cashier looks at me "Single?" she asks

"Heh yeah what have it away?"

"You're fucking ugly"

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A joke from Berlusconi

It's 10 pm and a rich businessman, Mr. Bestetti, is working at his home office when his wife enters the room shouting: "I have talked with our priest, he told me everything! You cheat on me by going to the strip club! I am going to go to the lawyer and get a divorce, and you'll give me half of every...

My dad always said

"don't be mad 'cause you're ugly. Be mad 'cause it'll never go away. BUT, if you're gonna be ugly, at least be funny. Because the longer they laugh, the longer they keep their eyes closed."

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..

and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, an...

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Getting oral sex from an ugly person is like bungee jumping.

You know it’s gonna be fun but for fuck sakes don’t look down!

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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A woman goes to a grocery store to grab a few things.

She brings her basket to the checkout counter and begins to offload it. She has a half gallon of milk, some apples, a frozen pizza, a pint of ice cream, a loaf of bread, a box of pasta, some canned tomatoes, and some aluminum foil.

The clerk, looking over the assortment of items as he rings h...

I am 70% lame, 50% ugly

and the remaining % good in maths

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed

I'm not in middle school anymore

A lady and a parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home, she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you ...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

Twins!

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe you got laid twice."

Yo momma is so ugly.....

Walmart started requiring her to wear a face mask 10 years before they even heard of coronavirus.

Doctors opinion

Doktor to patient “you are too fat”
Patient: “I would like a second opinion”
Doktor: “you are also ugly”

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

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