UPJOKE
hideoushorriblegrotesqueatrociousfrightfulrepulsiveevildespicablevileawkwardhorrifyingnastyunsightlyunattractiveshameful

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"

Boyfriend: "You're both."

Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"

Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

Yo mamma so ugly

She looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

An ugly arrogant woman NSFW

An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7.

Why the h...

Yo mamas so ugly

Her portraits hang themselves

Yo mama so ugly, when she was young,

her mama left her outside a store and got fined for littering.

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Your mama so ugly

Her blowjobs count as anal

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

Women usually call me ugly until they see how much I actually make

then they start calling me poor & ugly

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At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

Honey, I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. I need you to pay me a compliment.

Ok. Your eyesight is damn near perfect!

- Norm MacDonald

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

A woman gets on to a bus, holding her unfortunately ugly baby.

The driver laughs and says "what an ugly kid!"

Fuming, the woman sits down and turns to the man next to her. "That driver was so rude to me. I should really give him a piece of my mind."

The man nods sympathetically. "You go tell him, I'll hold your dog."

Yo Momma is so ugly

The government extended mask mandates to give everyone's eyes a break

A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly.

In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says,

“What a hideous baby.”

“I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life,” the man says, and

hurries to the train conductor to complain.

“I’m so sorry, sir,” the train conductor says, when the man tells her
he wa...

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

I just got arrested for being too ugly. Can you bail me out?

Not you! Now we're both stuck in jail!

How do know you are ugly?

Your dog keeps it's eyes closed whilst humping your leg

You're so ugly...

You're so ugly that when you were told 'you have a face only a mother could love' your Mum sued them for defamation of character.

kind of ugly



A guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "sheesh, what an ugly kid!"


The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."


The guy, pretty embarrassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"


"I'm his m...

The Ugly Bus

A bus filled with burn victims unfortunately crashes over a cliff and they all arrive at Heaven's gates in front of St. Peter.

God instructs St. Peter to give them all one wish since they've had a tough life as burn victims.

St. Peter explains this to the group and the first person ask...

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What sexual position makes ugly babies?

Idk, ask your parents.

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You are so ugly...

you extort money from people by threatening to release YOUR sex tape.

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

I am not saying my ex wife was ugly...

But I had to quit my job, so I didn't have to kiss her goodbye in the morning.

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3 Ugly Dudes

3 ugly guys were sick and tired of being ugly so they went to see a witch and ask for her advice.

The witch instructs the three to go to one specific bridge, jump off of it and while falling, yell how they want to look like. They could even simply name any celebrity and look like them.
...

Ugly Baby & the Bus Driver

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. While trying to pay for the bus fare, the bus driver made a comment about how ugly the baby was. Mad about the comment the bus driver made, the lady was huffing and puffing and was clearly upset when she sat down.


"What's wrong?", said the man next t...

Your mama so ugly

Your mama so ugly she can scare Cujoh off a meat truck

I wish I could be ugly for one day

Being ugly every day sucks

Yo Mama so Ugly....

that she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

Yo mama so ugly

She made blind kids cry.

Your face is so ugly

when your momma dropped you off to school she got a littering fine

Your family is so ugly...

...your photo albums only contain the negatives

I asked my doctor “how do I lose 35lb of ugly fat?

He said “cut your head off”.

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The trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

\- “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

\- “We’re taking United,” wa...

Yo momma is so ugly

Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn’t

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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds

As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly...

Cashier: Scans Condoms “Do you need a bag sir?"

Me: "Jesus. She’s not THAT ugly."

Yo mama is so ugly

Yo mama is so ugly she tried to enter an ugly contest, but they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

A bus full of ugly people got into a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throug...

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know that?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly:"

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A very ugly, too ugly actually, ass-faced man, was walking down the street one evening.

Suddenly he hears "Help! Help!!!".



He searches around and realizes that the noise was coming from an uncovered manhole where an unfortunate citizen had fallen.

Our guy sticks his head into the manhole to see who fell in, and he hears from below:

\- Yo, what are you doing...

3 Girls die together, & went to heaven

Saint Peter said, "We have only one simple rule here. Don't step on the turtles, walk carefully"

Girl 1 walks uncautiously and steps on a turtle.
Saint peter - what have you done? We are going to give you one of the worst punishments.
Girl 1 - It was by mistake, just give me one exc...

*The parking tickets*

I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a **handicap spot**.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writ...

My doctor told me I'm overweight,

I said, "I want a second opinion." He said, "OK, you're ugly too!"

Yo mama so ugly

She entered a Miss America pageant and nearly lost her citizenship.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

I knew this girl, pretty ugly,(kind of a dog), but she always had a fashionable wardrobe.

She was a woof, in chic clothing.

A man walks into a pet shop ...

A man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

He asks the owner: "How much is the green one here?"

The owner says: "$1.000."

Customer: "That's a lot, why so much?"

Shop owner: "He can sing two arias from Mozart operas."

Customer: "How much is the red one over there?...

If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly

They would find me atractive

Do you ever looked at someone and think, "DAMN this guy is UGLY as F**K"?

Anyway, I'm getting rid of all the mirrors in my house.

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

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I'm not saying I'm ugly.

But when I'm watching porn the hot sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

How can you tell a woman is really ugly?

A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.

Ugly Patient

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied...

I'm so ugly...

I'm so ugly that when I entered my dog in an ugly dog contest, they gave me the ribbon and a scratch behind the ear!

Yo mamma’s so ugly...

Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

Yo momma so ugly...

We’re gonna lie to her that the pandemic isn’t over so she can keep her mask on.

You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking

just in case I start seeing two of you...

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

A guy with 2 dogs walks into a bar

A guy walks into his local bar with two dogs. "I didn't know you had dogs," the bartender comments. "They're not my dogs," the guy replies. "They're my sister's." "Wow, your sisters are ugly," the bartender says.

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat she has her own gravity

But she so ugly people are still repelled by her

I just had a nightmare where I was ugly.

But I just woke up and looked in the mirror, _dreams really do come true!_

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I was sitting in my new class one day.

I was sitting in my new class one day, waiting for the period to start, when this really hot girl walked in. She was looking at me throughout the whole period. So after class I decided to walk up to her and ask her for her number.

I was a bit ugly so she looked at me weird, but reluctantly s...

I'm not saying the women in my local pub are ugly...

But there's a paper bag machine in the gents'.

Made up by my son…

Yo mama so ugly when she looks in the mirror all she sees is a deflection.

I sold the ugly suit!

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

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Guy walks into a bar…

Sits down and orders a drink, when suddenly he notices 2 girls sitting in the corner talking to each other, one of them is gorgeous, and the other is fugly.

He walks up to the ladies, approaches the ugly one and says “Hey, can I ask you out?”

Amazed, the ugly girl replies “Of course, s...

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins,

so he asked, "Do you play hockey?"

"No."

"Do you play soccer?"

"No."

"Do you play any other physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

What's a fast way to lose ten pounds of ugly weight?

Cut off your head.

When you feel yourself ugly and poor,

don't be so desperated, at least you have good judgement

My friend has been going to the gym because people kept calling him "fat" and "ugly".

Now they just call him "ugly".

Two girls are applying for a job interview, one was super beautiful while the other with super ugly,

The boss looked at them and said " I don't care about your looks, my only criteria is if you are qualified for the job, the one who answer my question will be hired"

Then he asked the beautiful girl " what is China's population?" the girl answered " 1,400 billion"

The boss said " good...

Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?"

Husband: "Right"

What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A tinder surprise.

Yo mama so ugly...

The beggar gave her money to get a surgery.

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Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is a lot lock rock climbing

You should never look down

A wife tells his husband:

"You don't treat our kids the same". The husband replies:

"Which one do you mean? Johnny, Steve or the ugly one?"

Yo mamma so ugly

The CDC recommends she continue to wear a mask after the pandemic is over.

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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

If someone gave you $200 because “you’re ugly”, would you take the money?

Me: Absolutely! I’m ugly, not stupid.

Not a proper joke but it was the smart answer that made me giggle.

Born so ugly

The proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth

Growing up, I always though I was chandler. Now that I have an Appartment I know

that I'm actually ugly naked guy.

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

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I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son...

All the while we were travelling, the little boy kept looking back making ugly looking faces and poking tongues at me.

Eventually, I said to him "My mother always told me that if I pulled an ugly face, and the wind changed direction, I'd stay like that!"

The little bastard promptly rep...

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This girl told me my shoes were "fucking ugly"

So me being who I am, I took a trip to Foot Locker. I came back about 2 hours later.

"Hey so I went to the shoe store..."

The girl looked at my shoes, disguised.

"You didn't get any new shoes..."

I looked at her very confused

"OH no I wasn't going to buy shoes, I ...

A woman walks into a bar....

with a parrot on her shoulder, and sits down next to a drunk.

The drunk says "What an ugly pig.'

The woman says "that's a parrot'

The drunk says "I was talking to the parrot"

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Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

You can't be trans and say that you're ugly

You're a customisable character

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

***Thomas, Jane or the fat and ugly one?***

A woman with a baby and she decides to take the bus...

When she enters the bus, the bus driver says "thats an ugly baby." The now furious woman goes to sit in the back of the bus, the man beside her notices that she is mad and he askes what the problem was. The woman said "the bus driver insulted me" so the man responded with "really... you should go co...

A man ask a pretty women: ”if there is a scale of a person’s looking, on the left is ugly, and on the right is pretty, so what do you think of me?”

”I think you are in the middle,” says the women.

”So my looking is just okay,” says the man, a bit disappointed.

”No, you are pretty ugly, ” says the women.

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Fuck ugly people.

That way you'll finally get laid.

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Where does extra virgin olive oil come from?

Ugly olives

Ugly Kid

You're so ugly, when you were born, your mum said, "what a treasure!" and your dad said, "Yeah. Let's Bury it!"

A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby.

I told him, "that's a really nice phone."

You're either ugly or your mean. You can't be both.

Mitch McConnell: "Allow me to introduce myself"

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

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