UPJOKE
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Ugly Jokes

Yo mamma so ugly

She looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mamas so ugly

Her portraits hang themselves

An ugly arrogant woman NSFW

An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7.

Why the h...

Yo mama so ugly, when she was young,

her mama left her outside a store and got fined for littering.

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

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What sexual position makes ugly babies?

Idk, ask your parents.

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

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3 Ugly Dudes

3 ugly guys were sick and tired of being ugly so they went to see a witch and ask for her advice.

The witch instructs the three to go to one specific bridge, jump off of it and while falling, yell how they want to look like. They could even simply name any celebrity and look like them.
...

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

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At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

A bus full of ugly people crashes...

A bus full of ugly people crashes. Everyone dies and goes to heaven, forming a line at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there and says, "Before you get into heaven, you get one wish." The first person in line says, "I wish I was beautiful!" Poof, they're beautiful, they get into heaven. The second guy...

Yo Momma is so ugly

The government extended mask mandates to give everyone's eyes a break

Yo mamma’s so ugly...

Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking

just in case I start seeing two of you...

​

Women call me ugly only until they find how much I make

Then they call me ugly and poor!!

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

Your mothers' so ugly

When she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

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A brutally ugly woman...

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"

Yo mama is so ugly

Yo mama is so ugly she tried to enter an ugly contest, but they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama so ugly…

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

Yo mama so ugly

When she sits on her phone, it unlocks.

Your momma so ugly…

She went into a haunted house and came out with a job application

Yo momma is so ugly

Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn’t

Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?"

Husband: "Right"

A short and ugly man had another unsuccessful date

In frustration, he slammed the table he was sitting at. “I can’t live like this anymore!” he screamed. “Life is too cruel to people like me!”

His waitress saw this outburst and came by.
“Don’t despair, sir. There’s a group of people who are physically smaller than average and heavily scr...

Yo mama is so ugly

Bill Cosby gave her a roofie-less drink.

I was told since I’m ugly, to try to be funny.

So I started telling people I’m good-looking.

You’re so ugly…

That when your mom gave birth to you, she got a ticket for littering.

You're so ugly...

You're so ugly that when you were told 'you have a face only a mother could love' your Mum sued them for defamation of character.

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The ugly frog

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog.
Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance.
Princess:
\- "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog:
\- "I know, I know, I got a rea...

Ugly Baby & the Bus Driver

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. While trying to pay for the bus fare, the bus driver made a comment about how ugly the baby was. Mad about the comment the bus driver made, the lady was huffing and puffing and was clearly upset when she sat down.


"What's wrong?", said the man next t...

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

Yo momma so ugly...

We’re gonna lie to her that the pandemic isn’t over so she can keep her mask on.

Your mama so ugly

Your mama so ugly she can scare Cujoh off a meat truck

People say there are no advantages to being ugly

But conveniently, my portraits just hang themselves.

Yo mama so ugly…

Even Ripley couldn’t believe it.

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself. "Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in." The first person steps up and thinks for a momen...

I was an ugly child.

No one ever told me that to my face, but I grew up catholic and never got touched, so I can take a hint.

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know that?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly:"

You're so ugly that when you were born....

Your mother said "what a little treasure."
Your father replied "yeah let's bury it."

I was so ugly as a child

Had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

How do know you are ugly?

Your dog keeps it's eyes closed whilst humping your leg

The ugly lady

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her,

\- "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same par...

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

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[NSFW] Your momma so ugly

when she was giving blowjobs, everyone though it was anal.

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Your Momma so ugly...

When she masturbates, its considered a hate crime.

A bus full of ugly people

Heading to the national ugly people convention rolled off a cliff and everyone died. They ended up in heaven, St. Peter at the gates exclaimed “wow, you guys are ugly, I feel bad so I’ll grant you all one wish”

The first person says “I want to be beautiful”
Poof, he was a handsome man.
...

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Necrophilia is such an ugly word. I don’t have sex with corpses, I make love to them.

I’m a necromancer.

Your mama is so ugly

She fell into a gorilla exhibit and got shot.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...

My wife is so ugly...

she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself.

Why did the pot farmer have such ugly fields?

He was afraid to use a weed whacker.

Your face is so ugly

when your momma dropped you off to school she got a littering fine

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Using what sexual position often causes a couple to have an ugly baby?

I don't know, ask your mom.

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A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stri...

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The ugly man

Once upon a time there was a man so ugly that society shunned him and he lived alone in a little house outside of town near the railroad tracks. He kept to himself most days but sometimes visited a dive bar further up the tracks where he'd nod to that bartender and sit in a corner and quietly drink ...

Camouflage clothing is so ugly...

It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.

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How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.

Yo mama's so ugly

When she got deserted on an island full of cannibals, the cannibals took up fishing.

Your mama is so ugly….

Her passport photo says This Page Left Intentionaly Blank.

You know you're ugly when....

it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
(add your own)

kind of ugly



A guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "sheesh, what an ugly kid!"


The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."


The guy, pretty embarrassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"


"I'm his m...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

I'm so ugly...

I'm so ugly that when I entered my dog in an ugly dog contest, they gave me the ribbon and a scratch behind the ear!

The ugly baby

A woman is getting on the bus with her baby in her arms. She's fumbling through her purse looking for the fare when the bus driver looks across and says "Gees lady, that's The Ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
She throws the fare at him and stumbles to the back of the bus in a huff.
"What happe...

If I had a dollar for every woman who thought I was ugly...

Eventually they wouldn't think I'm ugly.

You’re so ugly...

You are the reason Star Wars takes place in a galaxy far far away!

My son (now 11) came up with this and it cracks me up every time.

The Ugly Bus

A bus filled with burn victims unfortunately crashes over a cliff and they all arrive at Heaven's gates in front of St. Peter.

God instructs St. Peter to give them all one wish since they've had a tough life as burn victims.

St. Peter explains this to the group and the first person ask...

Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside

But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

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What do you call a bunch of ugly people in a flying car having an orgy because they feel sorry for each other?

A shitty pity gang bang.

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

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A very ugly, too ugly actually, ass-faced man, was walking down the street one evening.

Suddenly he hears "Help! Help!!!".



He searches around and realizes that the noise was coming from an uncovered manhole where an unfortunate citizen had fallen.

Our guy sticks his head into the manhole to see who fell in, and he hears from below:

\- Yo, what are you doing...

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An ugly and a handsome friend were drinking in a bar

The ugly friend starts cracking up

Handsome Guy: What happened?

Ugly Guy: What do you call 3 people having sex?

Handsome Guy: ummmm........threesome?

Ugly Guy: What do you call 2 people having sex?

Handsome Guy: um.....twosome..!

Ugly Guy: And that's why lad...

Your family is so ugly...

...your photo albums only contain the negatives

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

Ugly Patient

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied...

I am not saying my ex wife was ugly...

But I had to quit my job, so I didn't have to kiss her goodbye in the morning.

I got into a bad fight with my girlfriend last night. It turned ugly because she thought I cheated, and I hadn't

We’re in the kitchen and she tries to hit me with a Spatula. I react pretty quickly but all I have is a dish to block it with; but it’s simply no match.

All hell breaks loose when she tried to go for the midsection with Knives. I got lucky and was defended with my well-placed Buckle. It’s ge...

A lady is walking down the street and sees a parrot in the window of a pet store.

She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and s...

Yo Momma so ugly...

Scorpion from Mortal Kombat be like "Stay over there."

„Honey, I feel so ugly and fat, I really need a compliment from you...“

„Babe, your observation skills are really good.“

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat she has her own gravity

But she so ugly people are still repelled by her

Girls must buy $1000 purses just to impress other girls...

No guy has ever said " Bro, she was ugly...but that purse..."

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I'm not saying I'm ugly.

But when I'm watching porn the hot sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly.

In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says,

“What a hideous baby.”

“I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life,” the man says, and

hurries to the train conductor to complain.

“I’m so sorry, sir,” the train conductor says, when the man tells her
he wa...

Cashier: Scans Condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”

Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

A terribly ugly woman enters a store.

On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?" "No," the woman says, "They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?" The clerk says: "No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice."

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You are so ugly...

you extort money from people by threatening to release YOUR sex tape.

I sold the ugly suit!

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ...

I just got arrested for being too ugly. Can you bail me out?

Not you! Now we're both stuck in jail!

How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

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