My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

Why did Republicans get mad when Sting got a facelift?

Because they hate Police reform.

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

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My friend told me “ maaan my boss got mad and ate my ass out”

And I told him “ I think you mean he chewed your ass out” he said “ What’s the difference, same thing “
“Well your way sounds like you got your Christmas bonus early “

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Seeing my son throw tantrums about going to the toy store makes me so mad

All he does is make excuses and I'm afraid he might get fired from his position any day.

How can you tell the ocean was mad?

It was violently waving

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My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.

I, personally, am on the fence.

People who get mad at me for breastfeeding in public can f*ck off!

It's completely natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

My girlfriend and I bought a pizza to share and she got mad because I ate half.

Granted, it was the TOP half, but still…

My wife got really mad at breakfast.

Next thing I knew she hit me with the jar of honey. I never saw it coming.



It was a really viscous blow.

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

Mother and daughter go to a store to buy clothes...

**The mother tries on a dress and asks her teenage daughter:**

**Mother: Does this dress look good on me?**

**Daughter: Mom, you promise that no matter what I say you won't be mad?**

**Mother: I promise.**

**Daughter: I'm pregnant.**

What did the gym bro tell his gf who was mad at him?

Babe I'm sorry I just want us to work out

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange

You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

What happens when a vegan gets mad?

They throw a tempeh tantrum.

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(NSFW) I’m still mad at my friend for taking my chicken without asking…

He jacked my cock with no warning at all.

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I accidentally ejaculated on dolphin and now everybody's mad at me

as if I did it on porpoise.

Do songbirds get mad...

At humming birds for not knowing the lyrics?

Man approaches significant other and asks, "Hey babe, what are we mad about today?"

Significant other replies, "Can you not call me babe please?" Man asks, "What should I call you?" Significant other replies, "I don't know, my name?" Man asks, "Why don't you know your name?"

I have a fear of madness.

My doctor says I am just crazy.

My wife keeps getting mad at me when I introduce her

"Hi guys, this is my ex-girlfriend."

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow"

But that's a story for another day

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

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My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

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My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

What does a karen do when they get mad at a computer?

They demand to see the task-manager!

What do you call Russia's dictator when he's mad?

Put-out.

A wife was mad at her husband so after work, he bought a huge bouquet of flowers. He comes home and presents the beautiful arrangement to his wife. She says: “Do you expect me to spread my legs for this?”

He asks, “Don’t we have a vase?”

You know, Inspector Javert wasn't mad

But he died in Seine.

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My wife got so mad when I looked her straight in the eyes during sex

I should have just closed the curtains

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

“Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant”

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant"

Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad"

Son, did you just-

"Yes"

You're ready.

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My wife is really mad at our next door neighbour, because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

Just watched a movie where a mad scientist rigs a DeLorean to time travel and he paints everything purple, it's called...

"Back to the Fuschia"

My wife is mad at me.

She said if I don't get off the computer she will smash my head into the keyboard. I think it might just be a joke thobfufjebwhhwhf8djfnrk727gdbd eu27y d bc uuehwjw 7 8j

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

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Bob was mad at his Sex-Ed teacher for giving him a failing grade...

So in revenge he made a plan and told his best friend John.
“ So, in her room, I’ll hide, and when she comes in for lunch, I’ll kick her in the balls!

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

My girlfriend got so mad at me for singing "Semi Charmed Life" all the time...

She said, I want something else...

My teacher got mad at me because i answered

years ago, like when i was in the 5th grade, my math teacher asked the class for an example for odds and fractions.



Apparently, russian roulette was the wrong answer

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned

who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.

My maths teacher always goes off on tangents in class

They say it’s the first sine of madness

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

A pair of cows...

... were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

I got my wife a bra that said "You're the best" on it and now she's mad at me.

I don't understand it. She'd been saying that her bras weren't giving her enough support.

What do you call a mad insect on the moon?

A Lunatic

What do you call a call a bratty child that's mad that they didn't get a PS5 for Christmas?

inconsolable

Did you know that Vision gets mad whenever Wanda tries to give him a lap dance?

She really grinds his gears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes...

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

The court jester decided to play a prank

So he got a bucket of coal dust from the blacksmith and rigged it over a doorway.

Soon enough Sir Lancelot walks up in his shiniest silver armor. He'd spent the entire morning polishing it to a mirror finish. As soon as he walks through the doorway, a trip wire dumps the bucket of coal dust ...

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

My friend just sent me a phenomenal joke and I’m mad at her for being funnier than I am. Suffer with me.

Two guys are walking through the debris of a terrible accident. There are decaying bodies all around. The air is heavy and foreboding. The stench is putrid.

One of them starts having a coughing fit because the smell is so overwhelming. The other guy goes, “hey are you alright? What’s with al...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

Frankenstiens divorce

Idk if you guys have heard the news, but Frankenstien is getting a divorce,.... apparently he couldn't take Mrs franenstiens moaning anymore,

He's said what tipped him over the edge was when they was having a Halloween get together with all the other monsters and Mrs frankenstien had set the...

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Living in the northeast, I don’t normally get mad about snow.

But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again

I was rushed to hospital.

A Mad dog just started biting me and ripped off most of my ear.


Doctors have told me, I have an ear and a half to live.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

My dad always said

"don't be mad 'cause you're ugly. Be mad 'cause it'll never go away. BUT, if you're gonna be ugly, at least be funny. Because the longer they laugh, the longer they keep their eyes closed."

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain.

My neighbor got mad and said I've been driving her her husband to drink for the last six months....

What does she expect, I'm a cab driver.

A perfectionist walks into a bar, and gets mad.

Apparently it wasn't set high enough.

I once debated with a flat earther, he got so mad he vowed to walk to the edge of the to prove it.

He'll come round eventually.

My wife was mad the other day..

So I gave her a cape.

Now she's Super Mad.

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."

The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"

"Start? Today's the last day."

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

What do you call a guy that's mad about his feet getting run over?

Lack-toes intolerant

Two cows are grazing in a field: “You ever worry about Mad Cow Disease?”

The other cow goes- “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”

My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

A guys mother in law comes to live with him

One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad new...

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Up or Down

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to hi...

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

You try

Spell the word 'cow' in 13 letters – a question asked in a competitive exam Intellectuals went mad analyzing it. Highly-reputed professors were stumped thinking what could be the answer. Lecturers debated that the question itself was wrong, maybe there was a printing mistake, etc. Toppers were confu...

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At first I was mad when my doctor prescribed me medication that would lower my sex drive, but now ..

No hard feelings.

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My girlfriend is mad because I told her I wanted to show our love to the world

She found it adorable at first but now wants me to remove that video from pornhub.

A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?

He replied: 3,700

You are really mad, the doctor said.

The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.

You are not far from death, the doctor said.

The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.

BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?

The doctor asked.

He replied, "I ...

Once as I was a child my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

Why are Texans mad at Ted Cruz right now?

Because he’s getting a lot of heat.

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A bear goes into a beef and bourbon bar

A bear goes into a beef and bourbon bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "We don't serve beers to bears in beef and bourbon bars."

The bear is getting angry. "Give me a beer you piece of shit!"

The bartender replies "We don't serve beers to bears in beef and bourbon bars wh...

A man's girlfriend got mad at him and locked him out of his apartment.

He tried everything he could think of to get back in, but he finally resorted to pounding loudly on the door and shouting "Knock, Knock"

After several repetitions, his girlfriend shouted through the door. "Go away!"

"No," he replied, "you're supposed to say 'Who's there?'"

"Ugh,...

A world wide law for sailors

A new world wide law is issued for all the sailors in the world: they need to go and get all the children they conceived outside their marriage.

Stan, a sailor from San Francisco, came out to his wife and told her that besides the three children they had together, he has three more around the...

My name's Mad Max.

These are my brothers, Sad Max, Glad Max and Bad Max.

And this is the fella who started it all...

Dad Max!

There are two ways to make someone mad

One is not finishing your sentence and the other is

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A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow dis...

My friend was mad at me because I ate all the chips at her party

I'm no longer welcome to play poker with them

5yr old: “Daddy I’m mad at you!”

Me : “Why?”

5: “You know why!”

Wife: [wipes tear] “They grow up so fast.”

People say Elon Musk is a mad scientist. Do you think he relates to Dr. Jekyll?

Because I've always heard he benefited from having a part Hyde.

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Why was Hitler mad when Germany lost the war?

He did Nazi it coming.

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

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A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

Why did the audience get mad after the show of the five fingers?

The middle finger forgot to bow.

Peeping Tom

Bob told his friend, "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" asked his friend. "No," said Bob.

"That's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No," said Bob. "She got mad when ...

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Why was Uranus always mad?

Because it was the butt of everyone’s jokes

A Man Works as a Train Conductor

He isn’t the best at his job. He likes to go very fast, and is very reckless. One day, he goes too fast off a bend, and kills one person.

He is sentenced to death by the electric chair, and is offered a last meal. He requests one banana.

He is sat down in the chair. The executioner fli...

Two black eyes

A man comes home from work sporting two black eyes. His wife asks, "what happened to you?"

"Well, I was getting on the bus behind this curvy brunette, and noticed her skirt was jammed in between her cheeks. Being a gentleman, I pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me."

...

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

I don't know why everybody is mad at Cyberpunk2077

The release date has always been in the title....

My wife's mad at me because last night she asked me if I could have a threesome which of her friends would I choose.

I guess I probably shouldn't have chosen 2 of them.

In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One of them says, "There's been rumors going around about a 'Mad Cow Disease.' Do you think it's real?"

The other cow says, "I don't care! I'm a helicopter!"

What happened when the mad scientist fused two animals together on his safari?

*shrugs* "Elephrhino!"










My girlfriend slapped me when she got this joke, so I figured it was good enough for reddit

A hunchback and a guy with a club foot meet each Friday at the pub.

One Friday, lamenting their disabilities, they complain about the length of their walk. "It would be great to short cut through the cemetery" says the guy with the hunchback. "That cemetery is haunted" says the guy with the club foot, "It's madness to walk through there at night!".

After enj...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

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Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friend went skydiving

I was talking to my neighbor, he just got back from a trip out West. I asked him how things went and he said, "Lisa and I went on a trip for our anniversary and decided to try skydiving. I'd never done it before, I thought I would like it, but then I had second thoughts. We got up in the plane and f...

Why did the TV announcer get mad?

Because someone touched that dial

What does Martin Sheen do when he gets mad at his daughter?

Rage Against The Ms. Sheen

Who can dash, but will get mad if you forget to dash?

Spider-man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

Eve was mad at Adam for spending a lot of time in Eden away from her.

Adam said, "Honey, we are the only two humans to be created. Why would you worry about where I go?"

Eve let it go but wasn't convinced.

Later when Adam was asleep she decided to get to the bottom of this...

She put her hands on his chest and began counting his ribs.

My puppy got mad when I was posting on twitter

Turns out he isn't a fan of tweeters. He much prefers subwoofers.

Youbg boy tells mum "I saw daddy..."

"....in the nearby park, he was parked and with a woman, I went up to the car as the windows were steamed up, I saw they were busy and they were naked and he was doing press ups like we do at school, but he was on top of the naked woman "

Mum is super mad, she quizzes the boy and with growing...

Poor Doggie

After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked. Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog." Hank said, "My God! Was he mad?" Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed."

That’s a smart dog

Two farmers are in town talking about how smart their dogs are:
1st farmer yells out: “Dog! Get me the paper”
His dog races off down the street to the local news agency, gets the daily paper drops it in his owners hand and sits down.
“Not bad” says the 2nd farmer.
“Bluey, I’m hungry” he...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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