UPJOKE
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AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

My friend is mad at me..

..because he caught me sniffing his wifes knickers. I don't know if it was because she was wearing them, but it really ruined the whole funeral.

A man is mad at God cuz his wife died. He busts into a church and yells where is God I'm gonna stab him.

Preacher says, God is in your heart

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

Why is everyone so mad at me? I was told to bring a “Hostess” gift to the party…

…I brought a DOZEN Twinkies.

I courteously opened the door for a woman to come out, but she got really mad

Apparently there is some sort of changing-room exemption, and now I'm banned from Forever 21.

I was so Mad when the Queen died...

The News ruined the ending of The Crown for me.

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

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My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad

My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad.

"Quit pissing off the roof. Quit pissing off the balcony. Quit pissing off the diving board."

Dracula got mad at Frankenstein while they were playing fighting games.

"He vouldn't stop doing the mash!"

Why do mad scientists and mathematicians get along so well?

One tests the limits of their patients, the others limits, test their patience.

Why was sea mad at land ?

Because the land didn't wave back

I get so mad when people sneak up behind me and yell, "LET'S CAN SOME PEACHES !!!"

It's really jarring

My friend got really mad..

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that..

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

My wife is mad at me

because I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.

Mad Cow Disease

One cow asked the another, "Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary".

The other cow replied, "Doesn't bother me, man. I'm a helicopter".

My wife got really mad at me when I threw water on her mother.

Well, it worked on the Wizard of Oz.

The wisest of the mad

One day, the insane plan to escape from the asylum, and the wisest of the insane simply explains the plan as follows: They break down the first, second and third doors and say we are fugitives. The madmen wake up early in the morning and break the first and second doors, but when they realize that t...

A mad man in the hospital

Told his doctor that he was seeing rats playing basketball outside.

The doctor said “take these tablets to help you sleep.”

The mad man replied, “NO Sah! Tonight is the finals!”

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!

Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really ne...

My uncle is mad that he lost his job to an illegal immigrant

It took him forever to find a job that neither requires a third grade education nor a background check.

If you're mad about people receiving forgiveness, without earning it

I have some terrible news about Jesus

I am so mad.

I had 2 WNBA tickets in my car.

Somebody broke into my car last night and I have 4 WNBA tickets now.

My boss got mad at me for calling a co-worker a chicken.

He said he doesn't tolerate any fowl language.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

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My sister asked me for something hard to write on.

No idea why she got so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

When you make a lady of the night mad….

That’s Thot-provoking

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A guy walks into a bar. And he's mad as hell.

He walks over to the bartender and says, "Bob!! Whiskey!! And leave the bottle!!"

Bob takes out a bottle, pours a shot, slides it over and says, "Hey there Johnny...you seem a little tense. What's the problem?"

Johnny grabs the shot and slams it down. Then pouring himself another sa...

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around eventually.

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get ou

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

What happens when a magician gets mad?

He pulls his hare out!

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

Why did Republicans get mad when Sting got a facelift?

Because they hate Police reform.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

I just found out that my girlfriend is mad at me

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine, so I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now...

She’s sangria then ever!

A jewel

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.

But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.

True enough, said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease...

Three dogs are sitting at the vets office

Three dogs are sitting at the vets office, waiting for what they fear may be the worst.

The first dog says "I got out of the house and dug up all of the roses in my owner's yard, I'm afraid they've brought me here to be put down for all the trouble I've caused!"

The second dog says "Yo...

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

Don't get mad at me but,

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

My wife is mad at me for putting it in the wrong hole.

...her sister's.

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled. "What happened to you?"...

Mad cows…

…are just in a bad mooed.

People always get mad when someone thanks god instead of the doctor, after the doctor saves their life in some complicated procedure...

But if I knew I was going to have 10 years of medical debt, I wouldn't thank the person that saved me either.

In search of: Married woman, recently cheated on, mad, scorned -

Willing to sell her husband's fishing gear

ze mad cow disease

On a land full of grass, two cows were walking together.

Cow 1: Have you heard of the mad cow disease going around?

Cow 2: Yes, I'm so happy I'm a penguin.

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A boss gets mad at his worker for arguing with a customer.

The boss says, "I saw you arguing with a customer. How many times do I have to tell you that the customer is always right!?"

The worker replies, "Of course, the customer is always right!"

"Then why were you arguing with that customer?"

"He said that my boss is a stupid idiot!"...

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

My wife is mad at me...

She asked me "Which of my friends would you want a threesome with?"

Apparently, I was only supposed to reply with one friend.

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The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

An American biker decides to travel the world [ Long]

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

Gustavo was a mad scientist

Gustavo, called “Gus” by his friends and nemeses, was a mad scientist with very peculiar tastes. In particular, he was fond of the flavor of human flesh.

However, he was an ethical mad scientist, so he got his meat via cloning willing subjects.

Over time the number of subjects went dow...

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

‘It’s obscene!’, she yells. The receptionist goes up to her room and says, ‘Well ma’am, you can’t see anything from your window except the man’s head.’

No...

A string walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar and says "bartender, I would like a sasparilla" The bartender looks at him and says "we dont serve your kind around here, take a hike" So the string walks out of the bar hanging his head. After he's out he looks into a water trough and sees his reflection. He gets so mad he...

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

Dragon Ball fans are like creationists

If you talk about Evolution, they get mad.

Women's Fight Club

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Do you know what the first rule of Women's Fight Club is?" he asks the bartender. "Never talk about Women's Fight Club?" the bartender guesses. "No," the guy replies. "Apparently, it is Never Tell Anyone What You're Mad About."

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I dressed up as a wrench for Halloween

My wife got mad called me a fucking tool.

I’ve been trying for years to divorce my hearing-impaired wife but she is so mad

She refuses to sign anything

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Wife got mad at me when I went to a charity event to support single moms

Strippers deserve support too.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

I told my son to believe in his dreams, and my wife got mad.

She is probably just cranky though since we both just got woken up by our son who had a nightmare.

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A man goes to visit a divorce attorney.

"There's just no saving this marriage," the man says, "so I want to make a clean break."

The attorney sighs and consults his notes. "Well, sir, your cited grounds don't make you look good. According to you, your husband is quite the philanthropist... but you're mad that he's distributing clas...

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

I was surprised to find out that Elon Musk was born in South Africa

I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car.

My wife is mad at me because I lost £6,570 gambling. Seriously, honey! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

Just one kiss, please

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her doorstep. As they were about to wish each other goodnight,the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, said to her,

“Honey, would you give me a kiss?”
...

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell. ..

...upon further‍ reflection, I may own misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

People who get mad at me for breastfeeding in public can f*ck off!

It's completely natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

What did the duck say to the Mad Scientist?

It worked!

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Memories of my grandma

I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.

I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. G...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

A plumber went to the doctor

He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"

The doctor replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."

My roommate was mad I woke him up at 3am but he forgot something important

He hadn't taken his sleeping pills.

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Mary comes home to tell her father she is a prostitute

A staunch catholic - he is outraged.

Father: "How can you do this to your mother and I! After how we raised you, took you to chapel and taught you to live by the ways of the Lord! What in heavens name will the rest of the family think of you? Think of us!?

No, I won't have it, you'l...

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

Never let your guard down.

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

Wife wants to see the circus

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinne...

All of a sudden, the Marvel, DC, and Image Comics universes merged into one.

In no time at all, the superheroes joined forces and managed to capture all of the villains and throw them in prison with those special de-powering collars they used in Deadpool 2.

Imagine Magneto's frustration as he was led into a cell and locked up behind metal bars, which normally would be...

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My friend told me “ maaan my boss got mad and ate my ass out”

And I told him “ I think you mean he chewed your ass out” he said “ What’s the difference, same thing “
“Well your way sounds like you got your Christmas bonus early “

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My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

What happened when Moses got mad?

He parted ways!

I dropped an ice cube next to the freezer. It melted and got my sock wet the next time I went to the kitchen.

I was mad at first, but now it's mostly water under the fridge.

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Horse and Chicken

are farmyard pals and take daily walks around a large farmyard. One day after a particularly heavy rainfall, horse takes a miss step and falls into a large hole in the ground. Unable to get out, horse panics and whineys to chicken for help. Chicken realises he's not up to help, rushes off to the far...

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the ha...

Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.

He'd just moved to the neighborhood, and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favorite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.

Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at ...

Seeing my son throw tantrums about going to the toy store makes me so mad

All he does is make excuses and I'm afraid he might get fired from his position any day.

Daniel Radcliffe could play a War Boy in Mad Max.

He is the boy who lived... and died... and lived again.

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A married man came home with flowers..

..thinking they'd calm things down with his wife who had been in a really awful mood for days. No such luck. She was as mad as ever, and another argument followed.

"I guess you expect me to put my arse up for you now, since you brought me those thistles", she scowled.

"I'm sure we have...

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

How can you tell the ocean was mad?

It was violently waving

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

My wife got really mad at breakfast.

Next thing I knew she hit me with the jar of honey. I never saw it coming.



It was a really viscous blow.

A circle walks into a bar. The bartender sees him, and waves, then shouts to the whole room, "another drink for everybody - on this guy!" Everybody in the pub cheers.

But the circle is not happy. Frowning, he marches up to the bartender. "What the eff, dude? Why are all the drinks on me?" , the circle angrily demands of the bartender.



The bartender replies, "hey, don't get mad, circle buddy. It's just ... you're round!"

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My wife is really mad at our next door neighbour, because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

Fireplace!

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace

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Okay I'm going to reach back in my memory here and pull out an old Buddy Hackett jokes. If you've never heard of him before I'd suggest that you look him up on YouTube. He was in a few movies. The one I remember was was it's a mad mad mad mad world. I might have missed a mad or two on the title.

So I'm walking down the street one day. Minding my own business. When down the middle of the street. To Hurst came by. One following the other. Behind that, there was a man with the biggest dog I've ever seen in my life. And behind that it was like 97 guys, all with their wallet in their hand. So be...

Priest/Rabbi

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

“What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job.” replied the P...

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Do not swear or god will punish you.

A man who is a habitual swearer is playing golf. And a priest is watching him playing. He takes his first shot, misses it. Mad, he says “fuck i missed it”. The priest says, “son, do not swear or god will punish you”. The man flips him and takes another shot. He completely misses it again. Furious, h...

My girlfriend and I bought a pizza to share and she got mad because I ate half.

Granted, it was the TOP half, but still…

What does a karen do when they get mad at a computer?

They demand to see the task-manager!

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

What happens when a vegan gets mad?

They throw a tempeh tantrum.

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Ambidextrous Golfer

Heard the one about the Ambidextrous Golfer?

There’s a lady golfer alone at the golf course and a group of men ask her if she wants to join them. She says ok. She plays right handed and beats them so hard the guys want to play more and ask if she’ll be back tomorrow. She says, “Yeah but I mig...

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(NSFW) I’m still mad at my friend for taking my chicken without asking…

He jacked my cock with no warning at all.

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