Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

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My wife is really mad at our next door neighbour, because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

(A tad NSFW) A friend got really mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.

I don’t know if it’s because she was still wearing them, or because the whole family was there. Either way, it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

What do you call a guy that's mad about his feet getting run over?

Lack-toes intolerant

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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Wife: Honey do these jeans make me look fat? Husband: I'll only answer if you promise you won't get mad at the next thing I say. Wife: Of course I won't, I love you. Husband:

I fucked your sister.

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

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My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

A woman is mad that her husband is preoccupied with snooker and is ignoring her in bed...



She's had enough and decides that tonight is the night she gets some love in the bedroom. She dresses in the most seductive lingerie she has, pours two glasses of their favourite wine, and waits.

The man comes home after midnight where she meets him at the door. "I'm sick and tired of...

I once debated with a flat earther, he got so mad he vowed to walk to the edge of the to prove it.

He'll come round eventually.

Why are Texans mad at Ted Cruz right now?

Because he’s getting a lot of heat.

Two cows are grazing in a field: “You ever worry about Mad Cow Disease?”

The other cow goes- “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain.

A perfectionist walks into a bar, and gets mad.

Apparently it wasn't set high enough.

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

What do you call a call a bratty child that's mad that they didn't get a PS5 for Christmas?

inconsolable

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Living in the northeast, I don’t normally get mad about snow.

But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.

Why did the audience get mad after the show of the five fingers?

The middle finger forgot to bow.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

There are two ways to make someone mad

One is not finishing your sentence and the other is

My name's Mad Max.

These are my brothers, Sad Max, Glad Max and Bad Max.

And this is the fella who started it all...

Dad Max!

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Why was Uranus always mad?

Because it was the butt of everyone’s jokes

What happened when the mad scientist fused two animals together on his safari?

*shrugs* "Elephrhino!"










My girlfriend slapped me when she got this joke, so I figured it was good enough for reddit

Why did the TV announcer get mad?

Because someone touched that dial

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

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My girlfriend is mad because I told her I wanted to show our love to the world

She found it adorable at first but now wants me to remove that video from pornhub.

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

A man's girlfriend got mad at him and locked him out of his apartment.

He tried everything he could think of to get back in, but he finally resorted to pounding loudly on the door and shouting "Knock, Knock"

After several repetitions, his girlfriend shouted through the door. "Go away!"

"No," he replied, "you're supposed to say 'Who's there?'"

"Ugh,...

What does Martin Sheen do when he gets mad at his daughter?

Rage Against The Ms. Sheen

My wife was mad the other day..

So I gave her a cape.

Now she's Super Mad.

Who can dash, but will get mad if you forget to dash?

Spider-man

‪My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.‬ ‪

Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help. I’m scared. ‬

My puppy got mad when I was posting on twitter

Turns out he isn't a fan of tweeters. He much prefers subwoofers.

(Last one for the night) - Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow turns and says "Hey have you heard about the mad cow disease going around?" and the second cow responds...

"No, luckily I'm a helicopter."

A doctor wanted to release 3 mad people from the hospital. He asked the 1st mad man: 2+2 = ?

He replied: 3,700

You are really mad, the doctor said.

The second mad man replied: 2+2 = Wednesday.

You are not far from death, the doctor said.

The third mad man answered, 2+2 = 4.

BRAVOOO! How did u get the answer?

The doctor asked.

He replied, "I ...

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At first I was mad when my doctor prescribed me medication that would lower my sex drive, but now ..

No hard feelings.

In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

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A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes...

My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.

I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.

I don't know why everybody is mad at Cyberpunk2077

The release date has always been in the title....

My wife got so mad at me when she found out that I peed in the shower

I guess I should have waited until she got out first.

Injustices make me very mad: My grandfather destroyed a German Airplane and nobody ever thanked him

Actually they kicked him out of the museum

My friend always gets mad at me for calling her a hindu

Maybe if she’d stop saying “Holy cow!” so frequently...

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My wife is mad that I don't have sex with her

I don't give a fuck.

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Why was Hitler mad when Germany lost the war?

He did Nazi it coming.

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

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A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow dis...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding!

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

My cousin got mad this week, he thrashed someone with his dead phone.

He had a good lawyer and his phone was dragged to cord and charged with battery.

5yr old: “Daddy I’m mad at you!”

Me : “Why?”

5: “You know why!”

Wife: [wipes tear] “They grow up so fast.”

My wife's mad at me because last night she asked me if I could have a threesome which of her friends would I choose.

I guess I probably shouldn't have chosen 2 of them.

Eve was mad at Adam for spending a lot of time in Eden away from her.

Adam said, "Honey, we are the only two humans to be created. Why would you worry about where I go?"

Eve let it go but wasn't convinced.

Later when Adam was asleep she decided to get to the bottom of this...

She put her hands on his chest and began counting his ribs.

My friend was mad at me because I ate all the chips at her party

I'm no longer welcome to play poker with them

There are three friends - Mad, Lost and Brains.

One fine day Lost actually gets lost. Mad visits the police station to report it.

Mad:- Lost is lost

Police Officer:- What do you mean 'Lost is Lost’ ?

Mad:- Lost is lost is what I mean.

Police Officer:- What on earth you want to say!?!

Mad:- Can't you understand ...

What did Son Goku tell his wife after she got mad that he wanted to correct her all the time?

"I'm just saiyan..."

People say Elon Musk is a mad scientist. Do you think he relates to Dr. Jekyll?

Because I've always heard he benefited from having a part Hyde.

What do you call it when your wife/gf is mad as hell and won't let you get a word in?

A HER-icane.

(my apologies to our gulf coast friends. take care.)

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

My wife got mad at me the other day and threw the salt shaker and a Duracell

She got charged with a salt and battery.

My girlfriend was mad at me for eating at the dogs funeral

Well, I didn’t want it go to waste

I was pretty mad when they told me my flat earth movie was nominated for an award.

Golden globes

My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard

... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him

What do you call your mothers sister when she takes the heat when your mothers mad at you?

Coolant

My wife is mad at me for being happy to see her mother

The viewing is at 7PM tonight

Light bulb

Paddy and John are working on a building site. Paddy says to John, “I need a day off, I’m going to pretend I’ve gone mad!”

Paddy climbs up to the rafters, hangs upside down from them and shouts, “I’m a light bulb! I’m a light bulb!” While John looks on in amazement.
The foreman shouts, “Pa...

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My wife agreed to a sex tape

but she got mad at me when I held auditions for her part.

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

They dug up Mozart’s grave. When they opened the casket he was madly erasing his music...

Of course, he was de-composing.

Why are eyeshadow, lipstick, and mascara never mad at each other?

Because they always make-up

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell...

...upon further reflection, I may have misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

My wife was mad at my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

I thought that people getting mad over wearing a mask was not real, but today it happened to me as well. He told me Im an idiot for wearing a mask during a situation like this..

Like dude wtf, you're a dentist, aren't you like a doctor or something?

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

My step sis asked me to bring her something hard to write on...

Idk why she's so mad, it's really hard to write on scrambled eggs.

Difficult questions

A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"

The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like p...

Wanna know how to make Texans really mad?

Cut Alaska in half, so Texas becomes the *third* largest state.

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This lady friend got really mad at me for giving her a compliment

So I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she has been in a dark place lately. I thought I’d be nice and give her a compliment. Then all of a sudden the slaps me and leaves. Just like that.

I don’t really understand why she would do that. We’ve been friends for a while now and she is sup...

Cuddly bear

A woman walks into bar and sits next to a handsome man. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together, and go back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that a wall in his bedroom is completely filled with three shelves of soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears on three...

I told my wife that I didn’t like the way she makes eggs. She got mad and threw one of the eggs at my head

And now the yokes on me

Sorry this is long, a husband and wife are on a golf course

The wife swings and it cracks to the right nailing a house and smashing a window. Being responsible adults they went to apologize and pay for damage. Upon knocking on the front door, the door opens wide up to a man with his arms crossed above a broken bottle. The man explains he’s a genie and has be...

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who created deer-plant hybrids?

Apparently he wanted to introduce some variety to the local fawna.

A very Christian and conservative dad is mad at his son, Marcus, for having long hair.

Every day, when he comes home from work and sees Marcus, he gets dissapointed and mad because in his mind, men shouldn't have long hair.

One night, when he comes home, he gives his usual dissapointed look to his son and walks into the kitchen to eat whatever his wife had made.

A few ...

I saw someone on their phone while driving

I got so mad, I pulled right up beside them and threw my beer at them

If you want this chicken you have to punch me as hard as you can in the face. I won't get mad.

No harm no fowl.

I was dating a girl claiming to be related to King Louis the XVI and got mad

after I declared "so no head?"
Immediately she begins storming off

My wife gets really mad at me when I mess with her red wine.

I added some Sprite and oranges, and now she’s sangria than ever.

Hayden Christensen got mad and punched an autograph seeker

The Sith really hit the fan!

I’m mad that they canceled the world’s best series

Vivaldi could’ve done more than four seasons.

My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take

Don't be mad about the police. They risk their life everyday, going out

On another note, so does everyone in the USA.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

Wanna watch Mad Max: Fury Road in VR so realistic you'd swear it's real?

Go to America

My friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

Why was Barbie mad at Ken?

Because Ken came in another box

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My wife is mad at me for having sex with her twin!

(Me) How was I supposed to know
(Her) he has a penis
(Me) yea so?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This COVID 19 pandemic isn’t just mad...

It’s batshit crazy.

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

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Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

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3 Souls We Walking Towards the gates of afterlife.. The soul in the middle asked to the soul on his left, "How Did You die?",

'I was painting the walls of the 14th floor of an apartment, i slipped and fell, but somehow while falling i got hold of the railings of the balcony 2 floors below. I was so relieved, as i was trying to pull myself up a mad guy from the floor above yelled at me and pushed down a wardrobe over me, so...

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

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My wife is mad at me...

W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"

M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"

W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"

A guy got mad at me for putting a tiny hole in his suit.

Those astronauts are an angry bunch.

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