UPJOKE
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My friend got really mad..

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that..

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get ou

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Don't get mad at me but,

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

My grumpy fat friend got mad when I asked him if he woke up on the wrong side of the bed

I guess he woke up on both sides of the bed

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

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A guy walks into a bar. And he's mad as hell.

He walks over to the bartender and says, "Bob!! Whiskey!! And leave the bottle!!"

Bob takes out a bottle, pours a shot, slides it over and says, "Hey there Johnny...you seem a little tense. What's the problem?"

Johnny grabs the shot and slams it down. Then pouring himself another sa...

I just found out that my girlfriend is mad at me

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine, so I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now...

She’s sangria then ever!

I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around eventually.

How do you make Lady Gaga mad?

Poke her face.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

People always get mad when someone thanks god instead of the doctor, after the doctor saves their life in some complicated procedure...

But if I knew I was going to have 10 years of medical debt, I wouldn't thank the person that saved me either.

The bouncer that I hired won't stop asking me if "I'm mad at him"

I think I accidentally hired an "Insecurity Guard"

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

Mad cows…

…are just in a bad mooed.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

My wife is mad at me for putting it in the wrong hole.

...her sister's.

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A boss gets mad at his worker for arguing with a customer.

The boss says, "I saw you arguing with a customer. How many times do I have to tell you that the customer is always right!?"

The worker replies, "Of course, the customer is always right!"

"Then why were you arguing with that customer?"

"He said that my boss is a stupid idiot!"...

Why did Republicans get mad when Sting got a facelift?

Because they hate Police reform.

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Wife got mad at me when I went to a charity event to support single moms

Strippers deserve support too.

Gustavo was a mad scientist

Gustavo, called “Gus” by his friends and nemeses, was a mad scientist with very peculiar tastes. In particular, he was fond of the flavor of human flesh.

However, he was an ethical mad scientist, so he got his meat via cloning willing subjects.

Over time the number of subjects went dow...

ze mad cow disease

On a land full of grass, two cows were walking together.

Cow 1: Have you heard of the mad cow disease going around?

Cow 2: Yes, I'm so happy I'm a penguin.

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

In search of: Married woman, recently cheated on, mad, scorned -

Willing to sell her husband's fishing gear

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

I’ve been trying for years to divorce my hearing-impaired wife but she is so mad

She refuses to sign anything

My wife is mad at me...

She asked me "Which of my friends would you want a threesome with?"

Apparently, I was only supposed to reply with one friend.

I told my son to believe in his dreams, and my wife got mad.

She is probably just cranky though since we both just got woken up by our son who had a nightmare.

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My friend told me “ maaan my boss got mad and ate my ass out”

And I told him “ I think you mean he chewed your ass out” he said “ What’s the difference, same thing “
“Well your way sounds like you got your Christmas bonus early “

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

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My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.

I, personally, am on the fence.

Don't Be Mad at Lazy People

They didn't do anything.

My wife is mad at me because I lost £6,570 gambling. Seriously, honey! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

What did the duck say to the Mad Scientist?

It worked!

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell. ..

...upon further‍ reflection, I may own misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

What happened when Moses got mad?

He parted ways!

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

Never let your guard down.

Daniel Radcliffe could play a War Boy in Mad Max.

He is the boy who lived... and died... and lived again.

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back...

My roommate was mad I woke him up at 3am but he forgot something important

He hadn't taken his sleeping pills.

People who get mad at me for breastfeeding in public can f*ck off!

It's completely natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

Seeing my son throw tantrums about going to the toy store makes me so mad

All he does is make excuses and I'm afraid he might get fired from his position any day.

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A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed

Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,

"Oh No! That must be my husband!"

The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy...

Dixon Hormuz and Rosie Highman watch the sunset every day at the lakeside pier by their nursing home….

Everyday for 10 years running they sit on a bench while Rosie reaches down into Dixon’s pants and loving holds his retired baby maker in her hands while they watch the beautiful sunset glistening off the still lake.

One day, Dixon doesn’t come to pick her up at dusk. She fears the worst and ...

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

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One day, my mom caught me masturbating in the tub.

I thought she'd be mad, but instead she just stopped buying margarine.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

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Okay I'm going to reach back in my memory here and pull out an old Buddy Hackett jokes. If you've never heard of him before I'd suggest that you look him up on YouTube. He was in a few movies. The one I remember was was it's a mad mad mad mad world. I might have missed a mad or two on the title.

So I'm walking down the street one day. Minding my own business. When down the middle of the street. To Hurst came by. One following the other. Behind that, there was a man with the biggest dog I've ever seen in my life. And behind that it was like 97 guys, all with their wallet in their hand. So be...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

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My doctor asked for a stool sample....

...and got mad at me when I handed him a tiny chair. Now I'm banned from the doctors office and still don't know why I'm pooping out furniture.

My girlfriend and I bought a pizza to share and she got mad because I ate half.

Granted, it was the TOP half, but still…

How can you tell the ocean was mad?

It was violently waving

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My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

My wife got really mad at breakfast.

Next thing I knew she hit me with the jar of honey. I never saw it coming.



It was a really viscous blow.

Ugly Baby & the Bus Driver

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. While trying to pay for the bus fare, the bus driver made a comment about how ugly the baby was. Mad about the comment the bus driver made, the lady was huffing and puffing and was clearly upset when she sat down.


"What's wrong?", said the man next t...

My wife came back from golfing with the ladies, looking miserable

I asked her what was wrong. She said, “I got stung by a mad hornet between the first and second holes!”

I told her, “your stance is too wide.”

A woman with a baby and she decides to take the bus...

When she enters the bus, the bus driver says "thats an ugly baby." The now furious woman goes to sit in the back of the bus, the man beside her notices that she is mad and he askes what the problem was. The woman said "the bus driver insulted me" so the man responded with "really... you should go co...

A pair of cows were talking in the field.

One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

What happens when a vegan gets mad?

They throw a tempeh tantrum.

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(NSFW) I’m still mad at my friend for taking my chicken without asking…

He jacked my cock with no warning at all.

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:

"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all ...

My wife keeps getting mad at me when I introduce her

"Hi guys, this is my ex-girlfriend."

Do songbirds get mad...

At humming birds for not knowing the lyrics?

What does a karen do when they get mad at a computer?

They demand to see the task-manager!

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My wife is really mad at our next door neighbour, because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

Crazy bearded man

A passenger on a cruise ship sees a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" the passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

Man approaches significant other and asks, "Hey babe, what are we mad about today?"

Significant other replies, "Can you not call me babe please?" Man asks, "What should I call you?" Significant other replies, "I don't know, my name?" Man asks, "Why don't you know your name?"

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I accidentally ejaculated on dolphin and now everybody's mad at me

as if I did it on porpoise.

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My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

Still don't know why she got so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow"

But that's a story for another day

Patty and Mick are working on a construction site

Patty says to Mick. “I want the day off, so I’m going to act like a mad person and hope the manager lets me off”

Patty then proceeds to jump up onto the scaffolding and shouts over and over. “I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb” He’s swinging around like a monkey on a tree and c...

A wife was mad at her husband so after work, he bought a huge bouquet of flowers. He comes home and presents the beautiful arrangement to his wife. She says: “Do you expect me to spread my legs for this?”

He asks, “Don’t we have a vase?”

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My wife got so mad when I looked her straight in the eyes during sex

I should have just closed the curtains

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Two guys lost in the woods

Two hunters are lost in the woods and looking for a way back to town. As they wander through the forest they come upon train tracks. It's decided that one would follow it south, the other would follow north. If neither found civilization after five miles, they would turn around and meet back up.
...

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The creator of mad libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

What do you call Russia's dictator when he's mad?

Put-out.

Maurice and Sadie were woken up in the middle of the night when the phone rang

Sadie answered and said "How the hell should I know? It's 100 miles away!"

Maurice asked who it was and Sadie replied, "Some mad woman wanting to know if the coast was clear."

My girlfriend just dumped me

She got mad because of “the way I spend my money on myself”

But the thing is, I bought her presents every week, took her on trips, spent literally thousands on her in this relationship, and just this one time, I spend literally just a $100 on a hooker, she gets all mad and dumps me…

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

You know, Inspector Javert wasn't mad

But he died in Seine.

Hunter and the bear



A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge hunting rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, he couldn't find the bear. A moment later, he sees the bear sneak up from behind him and says, “No one...

My wife is mad at me.

She said if I don't get off the computer she will smash my head into the keyboard. I think it might just be a joke thobfufjebwhhwhf8djfnrk727gdbd eu27y d bc uuehwjw 7 8j

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

Guy Goes To The Dr. Complaining Of Headaches

The doc tells him, "When I get headaches I go home and just grab my wife and we make mad passionate love."

Guy comes back the next week and the doc asks how it worked out. The guy says, "Great! Best advice I ever had.", then adds, " By the way doc, you got a nice house."

A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face and orders a beer.

The bartender brings it and asks him what the problem is. The guy responds, "I dunno. I just feel unhappy and unfulfilled. What do you do when you're unhappy?"

"Well," responded the bartender, "I do a few shots then make mad love to my wife. That always does the trick for me." The sad guy say...

My girlfriend got so mad at me for singing "Semi Charmed Life" all the time...

She said, I want something else...

Just watched a movie where a mad scientist rigs a DeLorean to time travel and he paints everything purple, it's called...

"Back to the Fuschia"

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

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Living in the northeast, I don’t normally get mad about snow.

But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.

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Bob was mad at his Sex-Ed teacher for giving him a failing grade...

So in revenge he made a plan and told his best friend John.
“ So, in her room, I’ll hide, and when she comes in for lunch, I’ll kick her in the balls!

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange

You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.

What do you call a call a bratty child that's mad that they didn't get a PS5 for Christmas?

inconsolable

Mother and daughter go to a store to buy clothes...

**The mother tries on a dress and asks her teenage daughter:**

**Mother: Does this dress look good on me?**

**Daughter: Mom, you promise that no matter what I say you won't be mad?**

**Mother: I promise.**

**Daughter: I'm pregnant.**

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp

It was Marsh Madness!

A man was reading a book

at 3 am, when suddenly all electric devices in the building stopped working. In darkness he was unable to read, but he wasn't mad...
He was de-lighted.

My friend just sent me a phenomenal joke and I’m mad at her for being funnier than I am. Suffer with me.

Two guys are walking through the debris of a terrible accident. There are decaying bodies all around. The air is heavy and foreboding. The stench is putrid.

One of them starts having a coughing fit because the smell is so overwhelming. The other guy goes, “hey are you alright? What’s with al...

I got my wife a bra that said "You're the best" on it and now she's mad at me.

I don't understand it. She'd been saying that her bras weren't giving her enough support.

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

My wife and I were arguing last night....

.... She was so mad, she said "one more word from you and I'm not going to speak to you for a week".

"Promise?"

What do you call a mad insect on the moon?

A Lunatic

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I don't understand why incels are so upset all the time.

Seriously, they're mad about fucking nothing.

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

A perfectionist walks into a bar, and gets mad.

Apparently it wasn't set high enough.

What do you call a guy that's mad about his feet getting run over?

Lack-toes intolerant

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain.

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Singaloo the cook

So this guy drives into a small one horse town and goes to the nearest bar. He wants a drink and he wants to get laid. So he asks the bartender as he's drinking where the nearest prostitutes are. The bartender says that there are no prostitutes in town. However there's Singaloo the cook. But the guy...

When my parents told me there was no Santa Claus I was so mad at them!

I stomped out the door, got in my car and drove away.

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession...

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "...

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