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A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

God is funny

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"


God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second...

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny.

But occasionally, an one-liner makes me snort.

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It's funny how Jews, Christians and Muslims have fought each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

You know what’s funny about Woody and Buzz in Toy Story?

Andy’s mom’s toys have the same name.

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"

I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

Funny and Witty WiFi names?

I think the best I've come across are;

1. Drop it like it's hotspot

2. The Promised LAN

3. Wu Tang LAN

4. Chance the Router

5. Winternet is coming

6. A LAN time ago

7. I believe Wi can Fi

8. Vladamir Routin

9. That's what she SSID
...

My friends told me a joke so funny that it stopped water from flowing

It was damn funny

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.





I'll show myself out

I was told since I’m ugly, to try to be funny.

So I started telling people I’m good-looking.

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution

Funny story

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the studen...

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Gay jokes aren't funny.

Cum on guys.

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Funny marital joke

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He walks up to his wife and says, " This is the pig I've been fucking." The wife says, " That's not a pig. It's a duck." The man replies, "I'm not talking to you."

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Real movie titles converted to funny porn ones

I.e., Romancing the Bone”

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

Why are 490 Romans funny?

Because XD

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An old one yet still so funny!

Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says...

The OceanGate tragedy is not funny.

Sub humans.

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My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday’

I’ll be honest it’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

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A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line...

Wooden tit

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

my friend told me that tool puns aren't funny

I said I disagree because I think awl puns are funny

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Women say they like a man who is "funny" and "spontaneous"

But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight wearing a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police sirens.

r/funny told me to post it here. So, a married couple went to the hospital

A married couple went to the hospital so that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor se...

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny...

So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes i had written about the Victorian era.

I’m looking for jokes that you have to work out. My favourite is the one in the below, which was posted here by another user. Does anyone else have any similar ones that you have to think about before finding the funny?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

A surprisingly good/funny knock knock joke I wrote yesterday.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Beware, the owl people are infiltrating our town!

Beware, the owl people are infiltrating our town, Whooo

Oh no im too late!

Funny Albert Einstein Joke (not mine)

An old, funny joke - I think I saw it on reddit a while ago, but haven't seen it in a while - so here it is:

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet ...

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

Found an Funny Indian Joke and tried to translate it.

An Indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took Indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hig...

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A scrawny man with a funny-looking yellow dog walks into a bar.

He sits right next to a great big guy with a great big dog and orders a beer. The big guy takes one look at the funny-looking dog and bursts out laughing! The scrawny guy doesn't say anything, so he says "that's the funniest-looking dog I've ever seen!"

"yep, sure is," the scrawny guy admitte...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

Communism jokes aren't funny.

Unless everyone gets them.

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

I need a funny punchline...

My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:

What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?

I have absolutely no idea so if anyo...

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny

they just don't work.

Funny variations of this tough guy quote

"Some people are like an old TV

They need to be hit a few times before they get the picture"



"Some people are like pasta

They're hard until things get heated and then they go soft"



And that's all I've got, if you have any share below.

What's the best way to be funny on Reddit?

Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V

I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist an...

Now that r/funny is going dark we now know for sure...

that this is no laughing matter!

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Funny ‘wrong’ punchline

When I was younger the phone company, had a slogan/jingle “ reach out, reach out and touch someone”

The Joke going around was… what do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?

Answer: a 35 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

When I asked my girl ...

I met a woman last week who said she wanted a guy who's funny and spontaneous

Yet when I tapped on the window late at night wearing a clown suit it was all panic and screaming.

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I told my date “Being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed.”

She asked what the best way was and I said “A big dick.”

So she replied “That’s funny.”

A farmer heard some funny noises from one of his goats.

Turns out the goat was just kidding.

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Funny.

A labourer applies for a job on a farm.

The farmer asked him if he had experience and what he was particularly good at.

The labourer gave him his CV and said that he could actually communicate with animals.

The farmer wanted to test him and took him to the chicken shed.

O...

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

In honour of International Women's Day, I'd like to point out to everyone that PMS jokes are not funny.

Period.

Funny unknown historical fact:

Pharoahs were buried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
“When is Mother’s Day?”

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
“Nine months after fathers night”

The funny thing about Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.

Src: Dallas News , ca. 1929

I'm a funny guy...

Unfortunately, looks aren't everything.

Why are jokes about suicide bombers are not funny.

Well for starters, their delivery is just everywhere.

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boob jokes are funny but...

jokes about wagging my dick are a real knee slapper.

~11 year old joke, but I still think it's funny: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

*"DUCK!!"*

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I got kicked out of a restaurant for having improper dress. Reminds me of a funny story.

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

9/11 Jokes aren't funny.

But the other 2 are.

i made this up as a kid or seen it on the internet or smth...idk it is funny

3 aliens come down to earth...examining earth and humans on this planet. They wanted to interact with the species so they agreed to split up.

The first alien went to a classroom at a school. He was surrounded by a lot of kids Yelling the word 'ME ME ME' repeatedly as the kids were jumping up...

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Old (no pun intended) but funny

One day at a home for the elderly, a man visiting his grandfather, goes to one of the public toilets.

As he is peeing, he notices an old man standing next to him at the urinal, peeing with two streams, instead of one.

The elderly man sees the confused look on the man's face...

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Because it pisses off r/funny

Why would I type the punchline in the title?

When you tell a joke that's so funny that HR wants to hear it again.

Nothing to see here, carry on.

My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?

Because he was dribbling. 😊

COVID jokes aren't funny

They're downright tasteless.

Grandma's peanuts (prob a re-post, still funny though)

Danny is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house
for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
So Danny and his friends start snacking on them.
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am,
And thank you for the p...

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the paper bag. (old but pretty funny!).

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
 
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
 
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B....

Can we please stop with the meta “because she’s dead” punchlines? I’ve been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn’t laughed at a single one of them.

Because she’s dead.

Why are jokes about game developers always so funny?

They work on so many levels

Socialism jokes are always funny

‘Cause everyone thinks they get them but they actually don’t.

My wife asked me today why I always look at her funny

I told her it was her fault for marrying someone so funny lookin.

Trying this sub as not going down well on sub Funny. Is it too dark?

So my friend punched me today after catching me sniffing his sisters knickers. She was still in them at the time so i cant complain really.


Apparently it made the rest of her funeral awkward though.

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I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances

certain circumstances

funny

My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie.

I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."

Question: If it's not funny, is it still a joke?

Answer: In the case of Amy Schumer, yes.

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Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after...

Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny

No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.

is this funny?

****THE TOILET SEAT****

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and undressed to t...

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My coworker was talking about how it would be funny if flowers had penises.

What a load of poppycock.

Not so funny now is it?

A boy comes home from school. He hears a thud-thud-thud sound coming from upstairs. He goes to investigate and notices the sound is getting louder.
Thud-thud-thud, it's getting louder and faster. It's coming from his parents room! The boy flings the door open and sees his mom on all fours an...

I can see why Paul Walker jokes aren't funny anymore.

Poor guy can't catch a "brake".









(P.S. Happy Birthday Paul Walker. I wish u were still here)

I told a really funny joke the other day at the office.

So funny in fact, that even HR wants to hear it :)

Oh I thought of a really funny joke about Buddy Holly , Ritchie Valens , and the big bopper

I decided not to tell it . Because it won’t land good.

People always ask what's so special about my chiropractor. I tell them she's so funny ...

She cracks me up.

A short, but funny one

A 103 year old man lay dying in his hospital bed and asks his wife “Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?

His wife crying uncontrollably answers “Yes”

He asks “Whose is it?”

His wife replies “Yours”

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Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!

So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)

First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to k...

After her divorce, Susan was very picky about her dates. Finally she met a talented and funny young gynecologist.

He checked a lot of boxes.

Titanic jokes aren't funny anymore. They're so old and outdated.

That ship has sailed a long time ago.

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.

“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.

“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”

The plumber said,” Y...

A child funny story

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

Funny isn't it??

Me – “I am amazing at managing my credit card”

Because my bank keeps sending me messages saying my account is ***outstanding***!

Why are cooks funny?

They can crack yolks.

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

Gravely funny

Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because everyone is dying to get in.

Religious jokes can be funny

A Jewish man goes to his neighbor and tells him that his son ran away and became a Christian. The neighbor replies, "You know, it's funny you say that. A little while ago my son did the same." At that, they both went to the local rabbi to ask for guidance. When they tell the rabbi their stories, the...

It met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds funny,

Dozen tit?

It’s 1/4 funny 😄

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a super bowl game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench.
After the game he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied. “I just don’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents”
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

Confessional box joke, v funny pls do read

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photog...

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

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