UPJOKE
comicalhumorouslaughstrangeoddamusingcomedycomiclaughterjokelaughablesatirehappyhilariousslapstick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Funny marital joke

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He walks up to his wife and says, " This is the pig I've been fucking." The wife says, " That's not a pig. It's a duck." The man replies, "I'm not talking to you."

What do you call a piece of a funny company?

A laughing stock

Communism jokes aren't funny.

Unless everyone gets them.

My friends told me a joke so funny that it stopped water from flowing

It was damn funny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of a restaurant for having improper dress. Reminds me of a funny story.

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

I need a funny punchline...

My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:

What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?

I have absolutely no idea so if anyo...

my friend told me that tool puns aren't funny

I said I disagree because I think awl puns are funny

Why are Jim Jones jokes still funny?

The punchline kills.

Girl:Don't you think it's funny how the person you're going to marry is on this earth as of right now?

Boy:Yeah, haha. That's weird.

Girl:Don't you ever wonder what they're doing?

Boy:Nope, I already know, she's texting me

Girl::Thats sweet of you.

Boy:But she just went to bed. So I'm talking to you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys, one old timer and one in his mid 20's, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's a funny coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy...

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

its an old one but I think its funny.

So, in the summer, I go do some work. I was looking for a job, and found house painting.

A couple of days after my first day, we where going to paint a fairly big house. We did it with the 3 of us, because then the job will be done quicker.

One day, one of us fell down the lader, 3 f...

I can see why Paul Walker jokes aren't funny anymore.

Poor guy can't catch a "brake".









(P.S. Happy Birthday Paul Walker. I wish u were still here)

Funny isn't it??

Me – “I am amazing at managing my credit card”

Because my bank keeps sending me messages saying my account is ***outstanding***!

Funny and Witty WiFi names?

I think the best I've come across are;

1. Drop it like it's hotspot

2. The Promised LAN

3. Wu Tang LAN

4. Chance the Router

5. Winternet is coming

6. A LAN time ago

7. I believe Wi can Fi

8. Vladamir Routin

9. That's what she SSID
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife why she married me.

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My coworker was talking about how it would be funny if flowers had penises.

What a load of poppycock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay jokes are not funny

Cum on guys.

Gravely funny

Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because everyone is dying to get in.

Oh I thought of a really funny joke about Buddy Holly , Ritchie Valens , and the big bopper

I decided not to tell it . Because it won’t land good.

Why are cooks funny?

They can crack yolks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery..

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to write a funny joke:

Now, everyone always says timing is important; we'll get to that, the timing is usually in the punchline.

First you need a premise - it can be simple. A ball. That's the focus.

Some of you are already chuckling because your immature sense of humor has made its own connections with the ...

After her divorce, Susan was very picky about her dates. Finally she met a talented and funny young gynecologist.

He checked a lot of boxes.

A bus full of ugly people crashes...

A bus full of ugly people crashes. Everyone dies and goes to heaven, forming a line at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there and says, "Before you get into heaven, you get one wish." The first person in line says, "I wish I was beautiful!" Poof, they're beautiful, they get into heaven. The second guy...

I think after 9 years of dating and jokes, I've worn down all my girlfriend's funny bones.

She's got that funny arthritis now.

Why didn't the man find the cheesy jokes funny?

He was lactose intolerant.

A guy is spending his first night in prison

He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.

Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.

"46!" and everyone loses their minds.

He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"

"Well we've all been here so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is walking down the street with a bag slung over his shoulder...

A young man is walking down the street in the opposite direction. As they are about to pass, the curious youngster asks, “Hey old man, what’s in the bag?”. The old man replies, “In this bag young sir are magic apples!”. The young fella replies, “Bullshit!”. The old man takes the bag off of his shoul...

Tea-bagging people when they pass out is funny as hell

The other dentists at my surgery have no sense of humour.

is this funny?

****THE TOILET SEAT****

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and undressed to t...

Jokes about erectile dysfunction aren’t funny.

They can never be used in stand-up comedy.

Grandma is eighty-eight and drives her own car...

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a

'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunder...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.