Any joke can be funny with the right delivery.

Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

Suicidal jokes are pretty funny,

But it's even funnier when it ends!

There's only one occasion that Communism jokes are actually funny.

When everyone gets them.

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No one enjoys my dick jokes.

They say it has nothing funny at all, it's just too short.

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I met a lovely lady last night.

Although she was 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me
if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance,so we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.

And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake."

My greatest skill is humor...

Sometimes people even tell me I smell funny.

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny.

But occasionally, an one-liner makes me snort.

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

A policeman pulls over a speeding Ferrari.

He looks through the window and to his annoyance sees a rebellious looking teenager.
The policeman decides he's going to teach this spoiled kid a lesson.
He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor.

"Get out of the car and stand in the circle. If I see you step out, I'll...

Mr. Johnson walked into a movie theater and sat down next to a dog who was at the theater with his owner.

Much to Mr. Johnson's astonishment, the dog laughed at the funny parts, cried at the sad parts, booed at the villain's wicked deeds, and cheered at the hero's heroics.

When they left the theater, Mr. Johnson told the dog owner, "Your dog's reactions to that movie were amazing!"

"I thou...

Race jokes aren't funny

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

A man is sent to prison for a long stretch...

He has been in prison before and his cell mate doesn't seem to want any trouble. He settles in. His first night after lights out, he is laying in his bed and hears someone call out, "Number 24!" This is met with a round of laughter. A little while later, someone yells, "Number 45!" Another round of ...

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A chimpanzee says to another "I think I prefer to walk on just two legs"

The other chimp looks at him funny in response.

The first chimp quickly adds, "No homo!"

A funny story

A man had a bunch of penguins in his truck, when suddenly a police officer came and asked him what was in the truck, the man said "My penguins," The police said to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day, the police officer came back asking where the penguins were. The man said, "They're...

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

Three men book into a busy ski lodge

So they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream." Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"

What's big, yellow and doesn't float?

An excavator.

Didn't think that was funny?
Neither did the driver

Had the most bizarre experience before the quarantine, when I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and I was astounded.

When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner o...

My 5 year old made up a joke that I can't stop laughing at.

This joke came from my 5 year old, we have been saying knock knock jokes back and forth and he tells me his jokes that don't make sense. Today he told me this one and I don't think he realizes how funny it is. Here it is in his original wording.

*Knock knock*

Who's there?

Nobody...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

My grandma: You can be anything you set your mind to!

Me: I know.
Grandma: You can even be a know-it-all.
Me: I know.

(This is actually a family story, something I actually said when I was little. Thought it may make a funny joke/story here, too.)

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I heard a girl crying in my driveway, so I went out to ask her “Where are your parents?”

She said Fuck you Dad being adopted isn't funny.

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Wanna know what my funny bone is?

My dick i guess because girls laugh whenever they see it :(

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If you have sex with a professional comedian...

Is that a funny-bone?

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

And probably only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some cyclists are like clowns

- They dress funny.

- They don't follow any rules.

- If anything bad happens to them, everyone laughs at them.

Computers are not funny

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

There once was a bee

He was a very charming and funny bee. But when he saw this beeutiful girl bee, he changed. He got shy when ever she was a around. He couldn’t look her in the eye, or even buzz a few words to her beefore feeling sick. Eventually, he realized that it wasn’t meant to bee, so he gave up on her. He retur...

Imagine a pirate with a prosthetic breast.

That’d be funny, wooden tit

I know I'm funny....

but looks aren't everything.

This is probably the only funny joke I know.

I went to the doctor the other day because I was having hearing problems.

He told me to describe my symptoms.

I told him, "Sure. They're yellow. Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair."

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

What chemical is released in your brain when you see something funny on the internet?

Dopameme

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

A man drops a brick, a knife, and a bomb out of the window of a helicopter.

Joe has decided to go for a walk in the park. As he travels the park, he sees a kid crying. Concerned, he asks what's wrong. The kid says, "A brick fell and landed on my foot!". After making sure the kid was okay, Joe keeps walking. Soon, he sees a kid who is pale as a ghost. Concerned, he asks what...

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Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!

So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)

First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to k...

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is inthere already.The little boy says, "Dark in here."The man says, "Yes, it is."Boy - "I have a ba...

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My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

A joke I've translated from my language that I found pretty funny:

A man is passing through a cemetery at night, as he passes through he sees a woman sitting near a grave.

Worried he goes over and asks why she's sitting next to a grave.

The woman replies: I felt hot inside so I came out.

Just realized that my cake day is 420!

Now that's funny!

What is the name of Mao's funny brother?

Lmao

A group of old friends met at a resort for their annual vacation.

They had a long-standing tradition of sharing jokes with each other. They’d been doing this so long that they just assigned numbers to the jokes to make it easier to tell them.

Someone would shout out “24” or “13” and everyone would laugh.

This went on for a long and then one person y...

It's my cake day, so here's a joke... Q: Why do they call it a funny bone?

A: Because it's humerus.

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First word I learnt in the Japanese language

Do you know what the funny thing is? People say you can't learn any Japanese from anime or any other form of film/movie from Japan. But just yesterday I recognised one word and that word was "Pervert." That was the first time I understood a single word in the Japanese language. Really shows a lot ab...

I always ask a funny question on first dates.

"Are you a serial killer? "

Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship.

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Small village

In a country,there was a small village which has very bad winter conditions. So bad that , no communication, no WiFi,no transportation to anywhere.
One of correspandant of a newspaper decided to write an essay about that' village.
He set off and hardly reached to village. He found the sheriff ...

So there’s this frog.

He just got married, and he and his wife are looking to buy a house. The only problem is, he doesn't have any money in the bank :(

He and his wife realize that their only choice is to try to apply for a pretty big loan. The frog heads to the local bank, and meets with the loan officer - a lov...

COVID jokes aren't funny

They're downright tasteless.

My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me "What is the brownist number?"

What is the brownist number?

Number 2.

He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at.

Can we come up with a brand new, never ending joke.

So let’s say one person initiates the joke by coming up with a line, the next person either continues the set up or has a punchline but the punchline must also be able to set up the next persons line, etc etc etc, can it be done? Will it be consistently funny? I think I’ve made sense but I’m not gre...

An American comedian and a Chinese comedian are having a conversation

American: "I've been writing some new jokes lately, they're really funny."

Chinese: "Me too."

American: "The amount I've written is worth around 2 hours of stage time."

Chinese: "The amount I've written is worth around 30 years of labor camp time."

My wife kissed me after eating a booger...

You might think it is funny, but it's snot.

Honey, the salad tastes funny... Are you sure you washed the veggies?

Of course I did! Can't you see the soap bubbles?

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I thought this one was funny (from r/dankmemes)

A rich man named Charles Lostin was bored on his business trip, so he decided to call his wife
*ring ring*
‘Hello! How is it back at home?’ Asked Charles
“It’s all going very well sir” the voice does not belong to his wife
‘Wait a second.. who are you?’
“I’m the maid. I was hired t...

Not my joke but its funny either way

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender gives it to him and says “That will be one dollar.” The man is shocked and asks the bartender why the drink is only one dollar. The bartender replies and says, “We’re doing a special sale today!” The man asks the bartender “Wha...

Potentially funny joke

One day I went to the pet store and picked up some bird seeds. Then, as I was standing in line to purchase them, the cashier was trying to make some small talk with me and I asked, "So how long does it take for the birds to actually grow?" I wonder why she looked at me funny?

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

Haiku...not really a joke, but funny

Haiku is easy

It doesn't always make sense

Hippopotamus

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Gay Jokes aren't funny!

Cum on guys!

Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. Just can’t seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of missionary do you use?”<...

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I asked my wife, "why did you marry me?"

"Because you're funny.... you make me laugh!!" She replied

"Oh! I thought because I was really good in bed??"

"Hahaha!! See? Told ya... You're hilarious!!

World is funny, If government find oil or diamonds in your backyard it's government property but

If they find drugs it's yours.

I told my brother, "My wife ran of with my best friend Joe yesterday."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

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Are poop jokes still funny?

Nah, they're the shit!

Why are all Underworld Gods so funny?

Because all the he jokes they tell are hell-arious

A woodworker made some coffee tables to sell

A woodworker made some coffee tables to sell on marketplace, but none of them sold.

It turns out they weren't poplar.

I'm sure I am not the first redditor to think this up, but I did use search function for the last year and found nothing, so apologies if it's a repost or just not funn...

Austria’s Prime minister...

... and his minister of health were sitting in a restaurant and laughing out loud. A guest comes by and asks: “Why are you laughing that hard?”
The PM replies: “We are planning the next lockdown!”
Guest: “And that’s so funny?”
PM: “Yes…”
Guest: “What are you planning to do?”
PM: “We w...

Sons are all the same...

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

"Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where ...

A son runs up to his dad and tugs at his trouser leg

“Daddy, daddy! A picture is worth a thousand words!”, and immediately runs off. The dad is confused by this, but kids say funny things.

Later on, they’re having dinner, and the son is very quiet. The dad asks him if he’s ok, to which he solemnly raises his head and replies, “Make hay while th...

Confessional box joke, v funny pls do read

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photog...

I called my mum and told her not to worry cause I was in the hospital

She said you're a goddamn doctor and it wasn't funny the first time!

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An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."


"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

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My wife, Father and mother in-law, and myself are at dinner. The restaurant is packed. I say, "Service sure is slow tonight." Father In Law, "Tell me something I *don't* know." followed by a smirk. Feigning a smile, I ignore the comment.

A little later into dinner my wife and I are talking about some car trouble we were having this past week. I say, "Ford should really figure out their electrical." Father in law chimes in uninvited, "Tell me something I *don't* know!"

"Ok, 'dad'. Funny.", I think to myself. I again ignore the...

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

A funny joke

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

An elderly lady & her husband get pulled over by the cops for speeding near Lexington, Kentucky

Officer: “ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”

Lady to her husband: “WHAT’D HE SAY??”

Man: “HE ASKED IF YOU KNOW WHY HE PULLED YOU OVER!!”

Lady to the cop: “OH. No!”

Officer: “well ma’am you were going well over the speed limit.”

Lady to her husband: “WHAT’D ...

Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer

One looks to the other and says,

does this taste funny to you?

and the other says no

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Joke about Silicon Integraded Systems (super dark) (not funny)

"*if i was in a room, with a pistol with 2 bullets, and in this room there were, Hitler, Stalin and a SIS Integrated GPU, i woud shoot the SIS card 2 times*"

Ha ha ha...

What do you get when you cook your funny bone?

Laughing stock.

At a circus there’s a calamity and two lions escape.

They manage to grab hold of a clown and start devouring him. One lion turns to the other and asks “does this taste funny to you?”

A very common male fantasy is to have 2 women at the same time

One to cook, one to clean..


Ok ban me but joke is funny.

A gynecologist goes in to see a new patient.

Upon entering, he notices that the new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he decides to break the ice with some small talk.

"Do you know how they make latex gloves?", he asks.

"No", she responds.

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex tha...

I don’t find fat jokes funny anymore...

... I have outgrown them

Just A Funny Nothing else

What’s a video game title you can also call an anti-vax
Kid?



Half-Life

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What do you do when you hear a really funny joke about trimming down a CPU?

You “die lapping”...

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Henry Kissinger was once asked to explain what shuttle diplomacy was.

– Oh! It is a never-failing old Jewish method. Let me give you an example. Suppose you want to marry Rockefeller’s daughter to a lad from a Siberian village.
– How would you do that?
– Easy. I go to a Siberian village, find there a young man and ask him, “Would you like to marry an American Je...

Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses!

Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!

Osama bin Laden jokes are funny sometimes...

When they're executed well.

If a deaf person has to go to court...

...is it still a hearing?



I am hard of hearing myself, I found it funny. I am going to hell.

I thought I was funny until I met your parents...

They got together and made a joke years ago yet people are still laughing.

They say that this house is haunted.

That's funny; I've lived here for 245 years, and I haven't noticed anything strange.

As a practical joke I arranged a bucket of liquid nitrogen so that it fell on our chemistry teacher when he opened the door.

He must have found it funny. He completely cracked up!

Found an Funny Indian Joke and tried to translate it.

An Indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took Indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hig...

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This is very funny, but it’s more of a visual joke than one for here. But it always gets a laugh when you perform it right.

A police detective is called to the scene of a fatal car crash. Inside are two people- a man and a woman... and curiously enough, a little monkey who survived unscathed. The detective is trying to piece together what happened and muses out loud to the monkey- “Boy, I sure wish you could tell me what...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

What's done a million times yet it's still funny?

A repost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Winter in the Caribbean

Two women go on holiday in the Caribbean. They meet an attractive black man and both woman decide to have a threesome with him. Next morning during breakfast one of the woman ask the man his name. He replies, “ My name is Snow”. The other woman starts laughing. Confused, Snow asks, “What’s so funny?...

Sorry, I'm stuck in Rome

I tried to leave, but all the roads have this funny problem ...

Cow or bull?

A farmer learned on his first day how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull... "This milk tastes funny"

be careful what you wish for!

so this guy is walking down the street one day and he sees this other guy on the other side of the road with an orange for a head and hes like "whoa, oh my god that guy has an orange for a head!" so he goes over to him and he's like "hey man, you've got an orange for a head!" and the other guy nods...

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A family heirloom

I walked into an antiques shop and said "I've got a vintage wooden dildo for sale if you're interested"

The assistant looked curious so I took it out of my bag and showed it to him.

"Jesus, it smells a bit funny!" he said.

"I know" I replied. "It's been in my family for years"

Apparently there are three jewish guys in my car's air conditioner....

Hi, Norm and Max.

Background: Something I noticed many, many years ago when I was a teenager in my dad's car. My dad thought it was pretty funny. He had a lousy sense of humor. lol

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Did you hear about the model that fucked a clown?

It was pretty fucking funny.

Talking Chicken (my original twist)

A guy goes into a bar with a chicken. The bartender of course says, “What’s up with the chicken? We don’t allow chickens in here.“

The guy says “it’s okay, Freddie’s a talking chicken!“

The bartender says “yeah sure pal. If that chicken can talk, I’ll give you all the free beer you wan...

A man takes his wife to the plastic surgeon to get some work done on her lips and eyes...

It's supposed to be a fairly simple procedure, in and out in about an hour. An hour goes by, and the wife hasn't come out. Another hour passes, nothing. After three hours the surgeon finally came out.with a funny look on his face


"So how is she, Doc?" the man asks. "More work than you e...

The Hyena and the Monkey

In the jungle a hyena was talking to a monkey. He said to the monkey "You see that big clump of trees over there?"

The monkey says "Yes, what about them?"

"Well, I go through there every day to get home, I don't have to, it's just a shortcut" said the hyena

"Alright, so?" asked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

A genie jokeeeee!

3 men walk into the woods.
1 Named Nicholus Timothy Venus Terra Cotta Boolt Try Delta Earnest
Another named Lima Delta Bravo Tommy Tolt Colt Bolt Davis Jack Masson Brennen Cornista Colton
and finally one named Kin.


They begin to head to their cabin they are staying at but...

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

I don't trust Comedy Corporations.

I can tell they're all up to some funny business.

a funny¿ science joke

my teacher said i had potential







than pushed me off the building

Me hiding under the table from the giant...

Giant: I’ll grind your bones to make my bread

Me: *steps out with a grin* Well don’t eat my humerus bone because that’ll taste funny.

Giant: *throws me off the bean stalk*

What did the shark say after eating a clown fish?

This tastes a little funny.

"I've already seen that" I said to my girlfriend as she is showing me a funny cat picture. I lean in and say...

"I'm a pro-redditer... A predditer"

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The King of the Jungle

Everyone knows the Lion is the King of the Jungle, and as the King, is his duty to keep all his subjects in line. Well, one day he hears that the elephants are up to no good, so he starts making his way through the jungle. Occasionally he'll go by some of the other animals and roar out to them to fi...

My brother told me this yesterday: "I take a BMW back from school everyday"

"Huh?"

"Well, first I take the **bus** , then I take the **MRT** and finally I walk"

^(Not sure if y'all find this funny just wanted to share :>)

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "H...

I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny.

It was a tough crowd.

I live in alabama...

I once heard this funny joke about it, so I went ahead and told my dad,uncle, and brother. He got so mad.

Came home and found the wife in bed and told her a joke

Was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed

Jeffrey Dahmer and Armie Hammer are eating Ronald McDonald

Armie asks, "does this taste funny to you?" Jeffrey responds, "I think it's ginger."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dying man

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk.

Then I saw her through the window. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor.

She rolled her deep blue eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.

We ki...

What do clowns fill their cars with?

Laughing gas!

-----------

This has probably been made before, but I just thought of it after my mom, while doing her crossword puzzle, said aloud "fuel for a funny car" and I suggested laughing gas. It wasn't the right answer, unfortunately.

Update, the answer is "Nitro" which i...

It's funny that Republicans have compared Trump to Reagan in the past...

At least Reagan knew how to act.

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