A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?

Calculus homework.

You know what’s scary?

That creepy psycho killer behind you

What do ya call a scary movie about your zodiac sign?

A horrorscope

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

You know what’s scary about a white man in prison?

You know he actually committed the crime.

Batman is so scary, even bullets are afraid to hit him.

That's why they aimed for his parents.

Unlike Stephen King's stories, there is nothing scary about his son

He's been Joe King ever since he was born

That "Born to Be Wild" song is actually pretty scary.

Especially the part where they find a head out on the highway.

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

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If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do

practice!

I have a scary joke about math...

but I’m 2² to say it.

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

What do scary pandas eat?

BamBOO!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die??

Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

What’s the difference between a homeless clown and a scary clown?

One is penniless and the other is Pennywise.

I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth.

But eventually I caved.

French pastry bakers are scary.

They give me the crepes.

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

Dude, that scary clown followed us to Wales.

Welsh It.

3 guys checked into the hotel

Their room was on the 45th floor and administrator 1warned them, that elevator works just till 12pm. They left all bags at the room and went to the restaurant. When they arrived, the elevator was no longer working and they had to walk by foot. so it won't be so boring, they desided to tell some joke...

I had a nightmare last night that my Tik Tok account was deleted

It was scary, because for a second I thought I had a Tik Tok account.

What did the scary old lady say when she found a gold cauldron?

I’m gonna be witch.

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen…

I can feel it…

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

I had a scary dream last night.

I dreamed that I woke up dead.



I was so scared I was beside myself.

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My girlfriend likes it when I dress up as scary clown when we have sex

I think she has a Stephen Kink.

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

A little boy and a man are walking hand-in-hand down a forest path at dusk...

The shadows are lengthening, a breeze is blowing, dead leaves are skittering, tree branches are rattling & creaking and the underbrush is rustling. The little boy looks up at the man and says, "Gee, it sure is scary in these woods!" The man replies, "You think you're scared, kid. I gotta walk ...

It would be really scary if politicians worked shiftwork

There would be so many night mayors

What do you call a really scary, racist clown?

A big It

North Korea now has a missle that can reach New York City, and I think that's really scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

You know what's a scary thought?

Bear in mind...

Why is no one scary the day before turning ten?

Because they benign

Jesus loves you

"Jesus loves you" is a nice thing, if heard in church.

However, it's a scary thing if you hear it in a Mexican prison.

The Devils goes to Church

The devil went to church one day and upon seeing his red skin, big horns and cloven feet, all of the people ran from the building in terror. All except for one old man near the front. He didn't even budge. The devil was intrigued by the man's apparent disinterest in his hideous appearance. So he str...

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A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students.

She says “human beings are the only creatures that stutter.” A girl raised her hand, saying “I once had a kitty cat that stuttered.” The teacher knowing how precious how some of these stories were asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty , a...

What do you call a scary person who likes to rip things?

A tear-er

I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite scary movie?

Get out

What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

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My first sexual experience was scary...

I was all alone!

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at 3 am...

The little boy says, "Golly! It sure is dark and scary out here!"

"You think you're scared," says the clown. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone..."

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Jason Voorhees?

Both are scary people but Jason knows how to wear a mask!

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation

I suggested An Inconvenient Truth

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

There's a scary library in my town...

...everytime I go there I get goosebumps.

The scary thing about watch dogs 3

Is the fact it's accurate representation on britian

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3 friends go to a castle

When they arrive the landlord tells them to be cautious because there is a ghost living there. They don't think too much of it and they enter. That night one of the guys needs to go to the bathroom. The other are joking about him being scared of the ghost. The guy leaves to the bathroom and then he ...

What do you call a scary dinosaur with a condom pulled over its head?

A Du-Rex!

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

I always hear about how scary deep sea fish are...

But just think of all the pressure they're under!

Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.

Luckily they signed Donald Trump to replace her; he’ll be performing as Pumpkin Spice.

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they w...

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.

It's gonna be hard to say which is which.

What's orange, empty headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o'lantern!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys have a sleep over

3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl wa...

The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.

(It's a grain of salt)

Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, "Let's put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!"

They don't help him.

What's massive, scary, starts with T, ends with X, and eats people alive?

Tax

What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink?

The Alaskan Bull Worm.

Life is short, so tell someone that you love them.

But shout it at them in German, because life is also scary and confusing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hearse drives past Paddy and his mate who take off their hats out of respect. The hearse is followed by a man with a big scary-looking dog, followed by a procession of several hundred men dressed in black...

"Who's in the coffin?" Paddy asks his mate.

"I hear it's the wife of the fella with the dog." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah? What happened to her?"

"I hear, the dog hates women and mauled her to death." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah?" Paddy runs across the road and grabs the ma...

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scary time for dyslexics::

Last night their cocks went black!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the empty penis so scary?

Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener)

[works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]

What do you get if you build a carousel inside a haunted house?

A scary go round.

An Entertaining Movie

A man was at a movie theater but couldn't take his eyes off a woman and her dog in front of him. He noticed the dog seemed to understand what was happening in the movie. The dog would laugh at the funny parts, hide his eyes with his paws at the scary parts and started crying at the sad ending.
<...

I'm a performance artist. My next show involves peeing on a scary clown....

And now, Urine on It.

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

What’s so scary about a white person in prison

You know he did it

This ain’t mine btw I got it from youtube

Why are yachts and ships so scary?

Because they're for boating.

What do you call a scary cake that keeps coming back?

A boo meringue

If you die in a dream

A scout master is wrapping up scary stories around the campfire.

One kid asks “Is it true if you die in a dream, you die in real life?”

“Oh no, not at all.” replies the scout master.

All the children sigh in relief.

“On the other hand, if you pee in a dream...”

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it c...

On reflection,

vampires aren’t that scary.

Why is Cheese Frankenstein so scary?

He’s a Muenster.

A scary thing to do to your girlfriend on Halloween...

is ask her if she's going as a sumo wrestler.
Spooky!

Shout out to my friend Ryan Smith for this joke

I had a scary moment when.....

I had a scary moment when I was opening my new expensive furniture with a stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

You're not a big cheese person?

Well I hope not, that'd be scary

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