What kind of music is scary for balloons?

Pop music

What is so hot it's scary?

a ghost pepper

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

Walking around in the dark can be scary

But it gets easier when you pretend you're the killer

Unlike Stephen King's stories, there is nothing scary about his son

He's been Joe King ever since he was born

What do scary pandas eat?

BamBOO!

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

You think dinosaurs are scary?

Imagine dragons!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first sexual experience was scary...

I was all alone!

There's a scary library in my town...

...everytime I go there I get goosebumps.

What do you call a scary person who likes to rip things?

A tear-er

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys have a sleep over

3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl wa...

Why is Q scary?

It is always stalking u.

I had a scary math joke...

But I'm 2^2 to say it

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

What do ya call a scary movie about your zodiac sign?

A horrorscope

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a scary shit?

A spooky dooky

Why is no one scary the day before turning ten?

Because they benign

What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite scary movie?

Get out

Two cows are grazing next to each other in a field...

One cow says to the other, "The news is so scary with all this talk of mad cow disease, it really has me worried"

The other cow looks over and says ," I'm not worried at all..... I'm a helicopter....."

A Norwegian, a Finnish and a Swedish man were in front of a cave

The Norwegian man says "I bet I can go there and be at least 10 seconds." and goes to the cave, comes out and says "I couldn't be there for that long, the bear was too scary.

"I bet I can be there at least 20 seconds." the Swedish man says and goes in too, but comes back after 15 seconds. "Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

You know what’s scary?

That creepy psycho killer behind you

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die??

Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a scary porn

A whorror film

The scary thing about watch dogs 3

Is the fact it's accurate representation on britian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

A man went to the doctor's complaining of a headache

The doctor did some tests and discovered a brain tumor.

Doctor: Looks like we're going to have to perform a brain transplant.

Man: I don't want a brain transplant.

Doctor: You must or you'll die.

Man: It sounds scary, I don't want one.

Doctor: There's no other trea...

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo.

My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille.

It’s giving me Goosebumps

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen…

I can feel it…

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.

"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"

“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.

“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and wen...

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater

Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

So Roy Moore and a little girl walking through a scary Forest

The little girl turns to him and says, "Geese mister I'm really scared!".

And he says " How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Humans only stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students."Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl t...

My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation

I suggested An Inconvenient Truth

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

What's orange, empty headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o'lantern!

What do you call a scary dinosaur with a condom pulled over its head?

A Du-Rex!

Why is Cheese Frankenstein so scary?

He’s a Muenster.

What’s so scary about a white person in prison

You know he did it

This ain’t mine btw I got it from youtube

I always hear about how scary deep sea fish are...

But just think of all the pressure they're under!

What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink?

The Alaskan Bull Worm.

The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.

(It's a grain of salt)

What's massive, scary, starts with T, ends with X, and eats people alive?

Tax

An old man and a young boy are walking through a forest at night

The boy says "Gee mister, this forest sure is scary"

The old man replies "You think that's bad, I have to walk back alone"

Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.

Luckily they signed Donald Trump to replace her; he’ll be performing as Pumpkin Spice.

Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, "Let's put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!"

They don't help him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scary time for dyslexics::

Last night their cocks went black!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam.

Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the jungle. Not that you could ever see those bastards mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when...

HER: kids grow up so fast these days

**ME:** I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers.

**HER:** exactly!

**ME:** she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

You know how sweet it is when you see lovers names carved in a tree

Yeah well I don’t find it romantic. I just find it scary how many people bring knives on a date

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

I had a scary dream about a horse last night

Man what a nightmare

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

I'm a performance artist. My next show involves peeing on a scary clown....

And now, Urine on It.

Why are yachts and ships so scary?

Because they're for boating.

Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.

It's gonna be hard to say which is which.

Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.

They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor.

They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story.

For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200...

What do you call a scary cake that keeps coming back?

A boo meringue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hearse drives past Paddy and his mate who take off their hats out of respect. The hearse is followed by a man with a big scary-looking dog, followed by a procession of several hundred men dressed in black...

"Who's in the coffin?" Paddy asks his mate.

"I hear it's the wife of the fella with the dog." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah? What happened to her?"

"I hear, the dog hates women and mauled her to death." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah?" Paddy runs across the road and grabs the ma...

Are you my credit score?

Cause you’re scary as hell

A scary thing to do to your girlfriend on Halloween...

is ask her if she's going as a sumo wrestler.
Spooky!

Shout out to my friend Ryan Smith for this joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the empty penis so scary?

Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener)

[works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]

Prince

What have you come dressed as, Charlie?”

“A Prince...”

“...That’s not very scary.”

“...Andrew”

“Oh”

One night I was walking home through a dark street

I saw a girl in front of me. She looked around and moved faster. I also moved faster. She ran and I ran. She screamed and I yelled. I din't even understand why we fled, but it was really scary.

Hey did you hear the punchline about the scary cow?

It was Terror bull.

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

French pastries are scary

They give me the crepes.

A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants?

A dire rhetoric.

I had a scary moment when.....

I had a scary moment when I was opening my new expensive furniture with a stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf

Why is six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven is a very scary movie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it c...

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