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Scary Jokes

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?

Calculus homework.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die??

Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is

You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

You know what’s scary about a white man in prison?

You know he actually committed the crime.

Unlike Stephen King's stories, there is nothing scary about his son

He's been Joe King ever since he was born

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

Did you see the review for the scary movie about pogo sticks?

It has its ups and downs, but too many jump scares for me.

How does a monster watch a scary movie?

It goes to a screaming service.

How do you make a Doctor costume scary?...

Tell everyone you're American

What do you call a scary hardware store?

Harbor Fright!

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

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Humans aren't the only creatures who stutter [NSFW for language]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. *"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"* she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, *"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."*

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to ...

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen…

I can feel it…

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

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what is it called when weed makes you see some scary shit

Blunt force trauma

Did you all see the new scary about the killer cow?

It was horror-bull.

Being a baby must be scary.

Imagine going to sleep and waking up in Walmart.

What makes people run but isn’t scary?

A treadmill

That "Born to Be Wild" song is actually pretty scary.

Especially the part where they find a head out on the highway.

What do you call a big, prejudiced, scary clown?

A big It

I had a scary dream last night.

I dreamed that I woke up dead.



I was so scared I was beside myself.

A father and his 6 year old son where walking through the woods together. It was almost dark...

The little boy says, "Daddy, the woods is scary at night."

The dad responds; "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone...."

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Having sex with the last person in the bar can be scary.

You're all alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my step dad got home he found me outside refusing to go in because there was a big scary dog in our house.

"There's no way a dog has got into our house", he complained, and told me to go inside. I refused.

"Look", he yelled. "Get in that house now or you're grounded. I can't hear anything, the doors and windows are all open, there's no fucking dog in there."

I still refused and so my step...

What do you call a really scary horse that only appears after the sun has set?

A nightMARE!

A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at night...

"Golly!" says the little boy. "It sure is dark and scary out here!"

"You think you're scared!" says the clown. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone."

a guy walks into a bar for a Halloween party...

and is surprised to see the bar decorated for Christmas. "What's with the Christmas decorations?" the guy asks the bartender. "I thought this was supposed to be a spooky Halloween party." "Oh, these decorations are very scary for a lot of people," the bartender replies. "We're gonna terrify people w...

Dude, that scary clown followed us to Wales.

Welsh It.

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend likes it when I dress up as scary clown when we have sex

I think she has a Stephen Kink.

I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth.

But eventually I caved.

What’s the difference between a homeless clown and a scary clown?

One is penniless and the other is Pennywise.

Mad Cow Disease

One cow asked another, "Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary".

The other cow replied, "Doesn't bother me, man. I'm a helicopter".

It would be really scary if politicians worked shiftwork

There would be so many night mayors

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

You know what's a scary thought?

Bear in mind...

What did the scary old lady say when she found a gold cauldron?

I’m gonna be witch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first sexual experience was scary...

I was all alone!

What do you call a scary person who likes to rip things?

A tear-er

A man is driving at night in the rain.

And then the car suddenly stop working. The man starts to get nervous, and then he sees something getting out of the woods in the roadside.

Then he hears a knock in the window. There is a dog, a german shepherd.

"Open the hood", says the dog. The man freezes and do nothing.

"Ope...

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

I had a scary math joke...

But I'm 2^2 to say it

French pastry bakers are scary.

They give me the crepes.

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

The three sons of an old woman return home after years seeking their fortune

The three sons of an old woman return home after years seeking their fortunes.

They make merry and have dinner together. And before leaving, they hand their mother gifts.

The eldest son gifts his mother the deed to a massive palatial chateau in the French Riviera.

The middle son...

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.

Luckily they signed Donald Trump to replace her; he’ll be performing as Pumpkin Spice.

The other night...

...I was walking home and there was this female walking in front of me. She looked behind her and then started walking faster, so I walked faster. She then looked behind her again and started to walk even faster, so I walked faster. Then she started to run so I took off running as well. She then bro...

What do you call it when a group of people survive a deadly plane crash?

Just plane scary.

Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, "Let's put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!"

They don't help him.

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation

I suggested An Inconvenient Truth

What's orange, empty headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o'lantern!

The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.

(It's a grain of salt)

What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink?

The Alaskan Bull Worm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scary time for dyslexics::

Last night their cocks went black!

The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me....

Very scary, when you are dicing with death.

What's massive, scary, starts with T, ends with X, and eats people alive?

Tax

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it c...

Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.

It's gonna be hard to say which is which.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hearse drives past Paddy and his mate who take off their hats out of respect. The hearse is followed by a man with a big scary-looking dog, followed by a procession of several hundred men dressed in black...

"Who's in the coffin?" Paddy asks his mate.

"I hear it's the wife of the fella with the dog." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah? What happened to her?"

"I hear, the dog hates women and mauled her to death." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah?" Paddy runs across the road and grabs the ma...

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

There's a scary library in my town...

...everytime I go there I get goosebumps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the empty penis so scary?

Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener)

[works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]

What do you call a scary dinosaur with a condom pulled over its head?

A Du-Rex!

I saw a scary looking Middle-Eastern man

so Iran

I always hear about how scary deep sea fish are...

But just think of all the pressure they're under!

I'm a performance artist. My next show involves peeing on a scary clown....

And now, Urine on It.

What’s so scary about a white person in prison

You know he did it

This ain’t mine btw I got it from youtube

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

My friend had some really nice work gloves on the other day.

I ask him “what kind of gloves are those?”

He says “cow hide”

I said “What’s so scary about cows?

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

Why are yachts and ships so scary?

Because they're for boating.

Hey did you hear the punchline about the scary cow?

It was Terror bull.

A scary thing to do to your girlfriend on Halloween...

is ask her if she's going as a sumo wrestler.
Spooky!

Shout out to my friend Ryan Smith for this joke

I had a scary moment when.....

I had a scary moment when I was opening my new expensive furniture with a stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

Why is Cheese Frankenstein so scary?

He’s a Muenster.

What do you call a scary cake that keeps coming back?

A boo meringue

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