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Scary Jokes

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?

Calculus homework.

What do ya call a scary movie about your zodiac sign?

A horrorscope

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

I had a scary dream last night.

I dreamed that I woke up dead.



I was so scared I was beside myself.

You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

Unlike Stephen King's stories, there is nothing scary about his son

He's been Joe King ever since he was born

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen…

I can feel it…

What do you call a scary hardware store?

Harbor Fright!

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

What do you eat while watching a scary movie?

Eye Scream

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scary movie

I was watching a movie with my son the other day.

He got scared and asked me: “mummy? Is that lady going to die?”

I said: “judging by the size of that horse’s cock, yes.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

Something scary happened. A family on my street all died of mysterious head injuries.

And I live a stone's throw from their house.

Being a baby must be scary.

Imagine going to sleep and waking up in Walmart.

Did you see the review for the scary movie about pogo sticks?

It has its ups and downs, but too many jump scares for me.

That "Born to Be Wild" song is actually pretty scary.

Especially the part where they find a head out on the highway.

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

You know what’s scary about a white man in prison?

You know he actually committed the crime.

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

If you think your life is scary, just imagine being a birthday cake.

Someone starts a fire right above your head, and then everyone starts singing.

What's the scary dessert that keeps coming back?

Boo! meringue

How does a monster watch a scary movie?

It goes to a screaming service.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what is it called when weed makes you see some scary shit

Blunt force trauma

What makes people run but isn’t scary?

A treadmill

What do scary pandas eat?

BamBOO!

You know what's a scary thought?

Bear in mind...

Dude, that scary clown followed us to Wales.

Welsh It.

I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

Did you all see the new scary about the killer cow?

It was horror-bull.

What do you call a big, prejudiced, scary clown?

A big It

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having sex with the last person in the bar can be scary.

You're all alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first sexual experience was scary...

I was all alone!

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary...

It means 75% are running around untreated.

It would be really scary if politicians worked shiftwork

There would be so many night mayors

What’s the difference between a homeless clown and a scary clown?

One is penniless and the other is Pennywise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scary time for dyslexics::

Last night their cocks went black!

What did the scary old lady say when she found a gold cauldron?

I’m gonna be witch.

I had a scary math joke...

But I'm 2^2 to say it

How do you make a Doctor costume scary?...

Tell everyone you're American

French pastry bakers are scary.

They give me the crepes.

I always said that I would never ever go walking dark scary tunnels in the earth.

But eventually I caved.

My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation

I suggested An Inconvenient Truth

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

The scary thing about watch dogs 3

Is the fact it's accurate representation on britian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend likes it when I dress up as scary clown when we have sex

I think she has a Stephen Kink.

What do you call a scary person who likes to rip things?

A tear-er

The blue tarmac on my city's roads are scary......

They're cycle paths!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it c...

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

There's a scary library in my town...

...everytime I go there I get goosebumps.

What do you call a really scary horse that only appears after the sun has set?

A nightMARE!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the empty penis so scary?

Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener)

[works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys have a sleep over

3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my step dad got home he found me outside refusing to go in because there was a big scary dog in our house.

"There's no way a dog has got into our house", he complained, and told me to go inside. I refused.

"Look", he yelled. "Get in that house now or you're grounded. I can't hear anything, the doors and windows are all open, there's no fucking dog in there."

I still refused and so my step...

What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink?

The Alaskan Bull Worm.

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm being stalked by this weird woman and it's quite scary.

She takes my clothes off the line, watches me leave the house every time I go out and keeps sending me friends requests on Facebook.

I wish I never married the bitch.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, “Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn’t it?”

The other responds, “Yea it is, thank god I’m a helicopter.”

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

What's orange, empty headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o'lantern!

I had a scary moment when.....

I had a scary moment when I was opening my new expensive furniture with a stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf

What do you call a scary dinosaur with a condom pulled over its head?

A Du-Rex!

What's massive, scary, starts with T, ends with X, and eats people alive?

Tax

Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.

It's gonna be hard to say which is which.

Why is Cheese Frankenstein so scary?

He’s a Muenster.

Why are yachts and ships so scary?

Because they're for boating.

The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.

(It's a grain of salt)

Hey did you hear the punchline about the scary cow?

It was Terror bull.

Brett Favre reveals 'scary' memory loss

says he is not going back to play Pro Basketball

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

Scary biker-looking guy takes his girlfriend to the gynecologist

Being a jealous sort, he refused to sit in the waiting room when she was called to the back, but the young male doctor insisted he wait outside the exam room.

After the biker-looking guy exits, the doc starts his examination. Soon it becomes obvious that the beautiful young woman is getting...

My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille.

It’s giving me Goosebumps

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants?

A dire rhetoric.

A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at night...

"Golly!" the boy says, "It sure is scary out here!"

"You think you're scared!" the clown replies. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone."

What’s so scary about a white person in prison

You know he did it

This ain’t mine btw I got it from youtube

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

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