What is so hot it's scary?

a ghost pepper

What kind of music is scary for balloons?

Pop music

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a scary porn

A whorror film

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

I mean being born on solid ground must be a really scary ordeal... terrifying...but imagine being born in the ocean...

now that's waterfying.

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

I just started my first Braille horror story

I know something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

The scary thing about watch dogs 3

Is the fact it's accurate representation on britian

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite scary movie?

Get out

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm being stalked by this weird woman and it's quite scary.

She takes my clothes off the line, watches me leave the house every time I go out and keeps sending me friends requests on Facebook.

I wish I never married the bitch.

I always hear about how scary deep sea fish are...

But just think of all the pressure they're under!

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation

I suggested An Inconvenient Truth

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die??

Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is

Why is Cheese Frankenstein so scary?

He’s a Muenster.

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

What’s so scary about a white person in prison

You know he did it

This ain’t mine btw I got it from youtube

What do you call a scary dinosaur with a condom pulled over its head?

A Du-Rex!

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

What's orange, empty headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o'lantern!

What's massive, scary, starts with T, ends with X, and eats people alive?

Tax

So Roy Moore and a little girl walking through a scary Forest

The little girl turns to him and says, "Geese mister I'm really scared!".

And he says " How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

Why are white prisoners so scary?

Because you know they did it.

Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.

Luckily they signed Donald Trump to replace her; he’ll be performing as Pumpkin Spice.

What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.

(It's a grain of salt)

Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, "Let's put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!"

They don't help him.

A scary thing to do to your girlfriend on Halloween...

is ask her if she's going as a sumo wrestler.
Spooky!

Shout out to my friend Ryan Smith for this joke

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

I'm a performance artist. My next show involves peeing on a scary clown....

And now, Urine on It.

What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink?

The Alaskan Bull Worm.

What do you call a scary cake that keeps coming back?

A boo meringue

Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.

It's gonna be hard to say which is which.

Why are yachts and ships so scary?

Because they're for boating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hearse drives past Paddy and his mate who take off their hats out of respect. The hearse is followed by a man with a big scary-looking dog, followed by a procession of several hundred men dressed in black...

"Who's in the coffin?" Paddy asks his mate.

"I hear it's the wife of the fella with the dog." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah? What happened to her?"

"I hear, the dog hates women and mauled her to death." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah?" Paddy runs across the road and grabs the ma...

French pastries are scary

They give me the crepes.

Hey did you hear the punchline about the scary cow?

It was Terror bull.

I had a scary dream about a horse last night

Man what a nightmare

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The Scary Tale of a Hitchhiker

There was this traveler who was hitchhiking on a dark night with rain and thunderstorm. He was out of the city limit waiting for a ride. Time passed but there was no car in sight on this ghostly night. The wind was blowing hard and rain was lashing his face. He was tired, hungry and miserable and co...

One night I was walking home through a dark street

I saw a girl in front of me. She looked around and moved faster. I also moved faster. She ran and I ran. She screamed and I yelled. I din't even understand why we fled, but it was really scary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the empty penis so scary?

Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener)

[works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]

A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it c...

I had a scary moment when.....

I had a scary moment when I was opening my new expensive furniture with a stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf

The teacher says, “your homework is to tell you parents a story about how your first day at school went”

Scary stories to tell in the dark

Scary biker-looking guy takes his girlfriend to the gynecologist

Being a jealous sort, he refused to sit in the waiting room when she was called to the back, but the young male doctor insisted he wait outside the exam room.

After the biker-looking guy exits, the doc starts his examination. Soon it becomes obvious that the beautiful young woman is getting...

Brett Favre reveals 'scary' memory loss

says he is not going back to play Pro Basketball

had a great swim along the beach in Bali

perfect visibility and tons of coral.

I saw a colorful but scary looking thing attached to a rock and waving in the gentle current. I thought to myself: "is it a friend, or anemone?"

Why is six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven is a very scary movie.

A man is walking through the woods with a 10 year old girl by the hand.

Girl: How much longer do we need to go? It's very scary and it's getting dark.

Man: Stop complaining and think of me. I gotta walk back all by myself.

Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.

They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor.

They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story.

For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200...

A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man f...

Was told this year I can’t put up my Halloween decoration..

Which is a shame I thought a sign saying “child molester” was really scary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six just hasn't been the same since he returned from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces...

A scout master and a cub scout go into the woods

A scout master and a cub scout go into the woods late one night, the woods are very dense and quite terrifying at this late hour. As they travel deeper and deeper into the woods the cub scout becomes more and more terrified of his surroundings, "it sure is scary out here scout master Kevin, I'm real...

There is a beekeeper who is notorious for how he is very selective.

He will only keep bees that people would normally see as ugly, scary, etc. Nobody knows why he does this, maybe he has an obsession of sorts, but nobody knew until somebody decided to ask him why.

The beekeeper is not phased by the question, but he is confused why someone would refer to the ...

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