A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

What is so hot it's scary?

a ghost pepper

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

What kind of music is scary for balloons?

Pop music

What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?

Calculus homework.

You know what’s scary?

That creepy psycho killer behind you

You think birds are scary?

Imagine Dragons.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

You know what’s scary about a white man in prison?

You know he actually committed the crime.

Unlike Stephen King's stories, there is nothing scary about his son

He's been Joe King ever since he was born

I have a scary joke about math...

but I’m 2² to say it.

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

What did the scary old lady say when she found a gold cauldron?

I’m gonna be witch.

What do scary pandas eat?

BamBOO!

I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

French pastry bakers are scary.

They give me the crepes.

Dude, that scary clown followed us to Wales.

Welsh It.

It would be really scary if politicians worked shiftwork

There would be so many night mayors

What do you call a really scary, racist clown?

A big It

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Jason Voorhees?

Both are scary people but Jason knows how to wear a mask!

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Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die??

Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is

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My girlfriend likes it when I dress up as scary clown when we have sex

I think she has a Stephen Kink.

A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at 3 am...

The little boy says, "Golly! It sure is dark and scary out here!"

"You think you're scared," says the clown. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone..."

You know what's a scary thought?

Bear in mind...

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they w...

Why is no one scary the day before turning ten?

Because they benign

What do you call a scary person who likes to rip things?

A tear-er

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen…

I can feel it…

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

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3 friends go to a castle

When they arrive the landlord tells them to be cautious because there is a ghost living there. They don't think too much of it and they enter. That night one of the guys needs to go to the bathroom. The other are joking about him being scared of the ghost. The guy leaves to the bathroom and then he ...

Life is short, so tell someone that you love them.

But shout it at them in German, because life is also scary and confusing.

What do you get if you build a carousel inside a haunted house?

A scary go round.

What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite scary movie?

Get out

Politely asking

I love how in scary movies the person yells out 'Hello?' As if the killer is going to be like " yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

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My first sexual experience was scary...

I was all alone!

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

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Cats Can Stutter

A teacher is having a discussion with her third grade class: "Human beings are the only animals that can stutter" she said.

A little girl raises her hand, "I had a kitty cat who stuttered" the little girl said.

The teacher knowing how cute some of these stories could be, asked the gir...

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

An Entertaining Movie

A man was at a movie theater but couldn't take his eyes off a woman and her dog in front of him. He noticed the dog seemed to understand what was happening in the movie. The dog would laugh at the funny parts, hide his eyes with his paws at the scary parts and started crying at the sad ending.
<...

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What do you call a scary porn

A whorror film

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

There's a scary library in my town...

...everytime I go there I get goosebumps.

If you die in a dream

A scout master is wrapping up scary stories around the campfire.

One kid asks “Is it true if you die in a dream, you die in real life?”

“Oh no, not at all.” replies the scout master.

All the children sigh in relief.

“On the other hand, if you pee in a dream...”

The scary thing about watch dogs 3

Is the fact it's accurate representation on britian

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation

I suggested An Inconvenient Truth

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

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3 guys have a sleep over

3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl wa...

My printer has started printing scary stories in the middle of the night. Somehow they’re all in Braille.

It’s giving me Goosebumps

On reflection,

vampires aren’t that scary.

What do you call a scary dinosaur with a condom pulled over its head?

A Du-Rex!

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.

Luckily they signed Donald Trump to replace her; he’ll be performing as Pumpkin Spice.

A guy decides to visit his grandpa and asks him about his past

Guy: So, how did you lose both your legs?

Grandpa: Well, son, you know that when I was young, I was a great hunter. There was a time in which I was looking for the biggest bear in America, God bless America.
I found a small cave and with a white light inside, so I entered, but I found a s...

Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.

It's gonna be hard to say which is which.

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

A good Halloween decoration

If you need a good Halloween decoration, just put up a calendar. Cause nothing is as scary as 2020

The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.

(It's a grain of salt)

Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, "Let's put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!"

They don't help him.

What's massive, scary, starts with T, ends with X, and eats people alive?

Tax

Two cows are grazing next to each other in a field...

One cow says to the other, "The news is so scary with all this talk of mad cow disease, it really has me worried"

The other cow looks over and says ," I'm not worried at all..... I'm a helicopter....."

What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink?

The Alaskan Bull Worm.

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

What’s so scary about a white person in prison

You know he did it

This ain’t mine btw I got it from youtube

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

You're not a big cheese person?

Well I hope not, that'd be scary

What's orange, empty headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o'lantern!

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

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Scary time for dyslexics::

Last night their cocks went black!

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Why was the empty penis so scary?

Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener)

[works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]

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How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

I'm a performance artist. My next show involves peeing on a scary clown....

And now, Urine on It.

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A hearse drives past Paddy and his mate who take off their hats out of respect. The hearse is followed by a man with a big scary-looking dog, followed by a procession of several hundred men dressed in black...

"Who's in the coffin?" Paddy asks his mate.

"I hear it's the wife of the fella with the dog." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah? What happened to her?"

"I hear, the dog hates women and mauled her to death." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah?" Paddy runs across the road and grabs the ma...

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

What do you call a scary cake that keeps coming back?

A boo meringue

Why are yachts and ships so scary?

Because they're for boating.

I had a scary dream about a horse last night

Man what a nightmare

Hey did you hear the punchline about the scary cow?

It was Terror bull.

My uncle's favorite joke.

A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn't bel...

Why is Cheese Frankenstein so scary?

He’s a Muenster.

A Norwegian, a Finnish and a Swedish man were in front of a cave

The Norwegian man says "I bet I can go there and be at least 10 seconds." and goes to the cave, comes out and says "I couldn't be there for that long, the bear was too scary.

"I bet I can be there at least 20 seconds." the Swedish man says and goes in too, but comes back after 15 seconds. "Th...

A scary thing to do to your girlfriend on Halloween...

is ask her if she's going as a sumo wrestler.
Spooky!

Shout out to my friend Ryan Smith for this joke

The local drunk rushes into his favorite bar

The local drunk rushes into his favorite bar and yells at the bar man "Hurry up and give me a bear I got a scary feeling of claustrophobia"

The bar man goes "Claustrophobia? Do you even know what that means?"

The drunk responds "Oh look at this genius that knows everything, Claustropho...

I had a scary moment when.....

I had a scary moment when I was opening my new expensive furniture with a stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf

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A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it c...

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What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants?

A dire rhetoric.

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