I mean being born on solid ground must be a really scary ordeal... terrifying...but imagine being born in the ocean...

now that's waterfying.

I just started my first Braille horror story

I know something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite scary movie?

Get out

What’s so scary about a white person in prison

You know he did it

This ain’t mine btw I got it from youtube

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call scary bees?

Boobees

When is a turkey scary?

When it's a goblin.

You know what’s scary?

That creepy psycho killer behind you

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation

I suggested An Inconvenient Truth

Bad musicians can be scary.

But their Bach is worse than their bite.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

I always hear about how scary deep sea fish are...

But just think of all the pressure they're under!

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo.

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

Why is Cheese Frankenstein so scary?

He’s a Muenster.

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

What do you call a scary dinosaur with a condom pulled over its head?

A Du-Rex!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Son : Dad.... This movie is so scary... Is that woman going to die??

Dad : Judging by the size of that horse's dick, Yes she is

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

What's orange, empty headed, and tries to be scary?

A jack o'lantern!

So Roy Moore and a little girl walking through a scary Forest

The little girl turns to him and says, "Geese mister I'm really scared!".

And he says " How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.

Luckily they signed Donald Trump to replace her; he’ll be performing as Pumpkin Spice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scary time for dyslexics::

Last night their cocks went black!

What's comforting and scary at the same time?

A warm toilet seat.

What's massive, scary, starts with T, ends with X, and eats people alive?

Tax

The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.

(It's a grain of salt)

What do you call a scary cake that keeps coming back?

A boo meringue

Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, "Let's put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!"

They don't help him.

A scary thing to do to your girlfriend on Halloween...

is ask her if she's going as a sumo wrestler.
Spooky!

Shout out to my friend Ryan Smith for this joke

I'm a performance artist. My next show involves peeing on a scary clown....

And now, Urine on It.

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

I had a scary dream about a horse last night

Man what a nightmare

What do girls fear that's big, scary, and pink?

The Alaskan Bull Worm.

I saw a scary looking Middle-Eastern man

so Iran

Two costumes are gonna be super popular this year: Donald Trump and Scary Clown.

It's gonna be hard to say which is which.

A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was the empty penis so scary?

Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener)

[works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]

French pastries are scary

They give me the crepes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hearse drives past Paddy and his mate who take off their hats out of respect. The hearse is followed by a man with a big scary-looking dog, followed by a procession of several hundred men dressed in black...

"Who's in the coffin?" Paddy asks his mate.

"I hear it's the wife of the fella with the dog." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah? What happened to her?"

"I hear, the dog hates women and mauled her to death." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah?" Paddy runs across the road and grabs the ma...

Why are yachts and ships so scary?

Because they're for boating.

Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.

They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor.

They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story.

For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six just hasn't been the same since he returned from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Scary Tale of a Hitchhiker

There was this traveler who was hitchhiking on a dark night with rain and thunderstorm. He was out of the city limit waiting for a ride. Time passed but there was no car in sight on this ghostly night. The wind was blowing hard and rain was lashing his face. He was tired, hungry and miserable and co...

A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it c...

I had a scary moment when.....

I had a scary moment when I was opening my new expensive furniture with a stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf

There was once a temple high in the mountains.

In the temple lived a large group of friars who led a very peaceful and quiet existence. The temple had a grand garden with every type of vegetable and fruit imaginable - carrots, tomatoes, peppers, apples, oranges etc. Since the friars were very spiritual they ate very little, so every day they wou...

Hey did you hear the punchline about the scary cow?

It was Terror bull.

Scary biker-looking guy takes his girlfriend to the gynecologist

Being a jealous sort, he refused to sit in the waiting room when she was called to the back, but the young male doctor insisted he wait outside the exam room.

After the biker-looking guy exits, the doc starts his examination. Soon it becomes obvious that the beautiful young woman is getting...

Your dirty minded

Him: Ok, I’m going to pull it out now.

Her: This is scary because it’s my first time.

He slowly starts to pull it out.

Her: *Screams*

Then the dentist yanks it out and says: Congratulations! You just got your first tooth pulled out!

Brett Favre reveals 'scary' memory loss

says he is not going back to play Pro Basketball

A kid and child molester are walking in the woods

A kid and a child molester are walking in the woods. As the sun is going down and it gets darker, the kod says, "It's getting kinda scary mister." He tells the kid, "I know. I'm the one that's gotta walk back alone."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked th...

A guy goes to visit his friend who lives on the 100th floor

At the reception, the friend welcomes him with a grim news "The elevator is not working so we have to take the stairs."

The guy afraid says "But that's a long climb.."

"Don't worry" His friend replies "We can tell each other horror stories while we climb up. That way we can be entertai...

I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”

...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

I was walking behind a really pretty girl...

and then she turns her head around and hurried off. I follow suit. Then she started running and shrieking. I do the same too! Omg, it's so scary that I don't know what is trying to chase us and I really dare not look behind.

Robert Johnson, a CEO for a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white collar crimes.

On his first day behind bars, Robert nervously walks into the Chow Hall at lunch time and starts taking in the scenery. Realizing that he’s going to spend the next 25 years surrounded by murderers, rapists, and other violent criminals, he uncomfortably gets his tray of food and starts looking for a ...

I live in a rough neighborhood

There are lots of gangs here, so it's pretty scary at times.

In fact, my neighbor used to be a blood.

Then he fell off the roof. Now he's a crip.

Three men were applying for immigrant status in America...

The immigration officer asked them what they knew about American culture and traditions, but they were all silent. So he asked what Easter is.

Man #1: "Easter is when a fat man in a red suit visits all the boys and girls, and gives them presents".

"Wrong answer, that's Christmas."
...

Male Logic.

Woman: do you drink beer?
Man: yes

Woman: how many beers a day?
Man: usually about three

Woman: how much do you pay per beer?
Man:$5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: and how long have you been drinking? ...

A man with a little head

A guy walked into a bar and saw a guy sitting at the bar who was really really big, but he had a little head. This guy was scary and looked like a body builder, but had a tiny head.

So he went up and asked "Hey man, how'd you get such a little head?"

He responded:

"Well I met a ...

A serial killer and his date are out for a walk in the woods

"Gee it sure is scary out here" she says

"How do you think I feel? I gotta walk out of here alone."

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, “Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn’t it?”

The other responds, “Yea it is, thank god I’m a helicopter.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny’s class is learning about good sleeping habits.

The teacher asks the students to talk about how they can improve their sleep.

Cindy raises her hand and says “I have a lot of nightmares so I often don’t get a good sleep.” The teacher asks “and what can you do to improve that?” Cindy replies “I can stop reading scary stories before bed - th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This morning I was thinking about a crazy slut who was chasing me with a knife.

It was a scary thot.

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